The World's Most Perfect Bacon

August 9, 2007 5:44 PM

I have to assume the only reason you're reading this right now and not busy home curing & eating bacon is because nobody has shown you how. Let's fix that.
posted by jonson (100 comments total)

I petition that the word jonson become synonymous with bacon.
posted by phaedon at 5:47 PM on August 9, 2007

And therefore greatness.
posted by phaedon at 5:48 PM on August 9, 2007

I could only dream of such honors!
posted by jonson at 5:48 PM on August 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Love your intro sentence!
posted by amyms at 5:48 PM on August 9, 2007

It's BACON!
posted by eriko at 5:50 PM on August 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

Oh sure, reveal the dark arts for everyone to know. You are totally getting kicked out of the bacon cabal now jonson.

And you better not show anyone the sizzly-finger secret handshake. I mean it.
posted by quin at 5:57 PM on August 9, 2007

That meat sure looks tasty! Just don't have that kind of time or outdoor curing space, unfortunately. Still, thanks for the post, bacon! I mean, greatness! I mean, jonson.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:58 PM on August 9, 2007

I'd like a jonson double cheeseburger. Double jonson.
posted by Megafly at 5:58 PM on August 9, 2007

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say it starts with killing a pig.
posted by coffee and minarets at 6:00 PM on August 9, 2007

Oh...oh, my God.

It's full of stars.
posted by kbanas at 6:03 PM on August 9, 2007 [3 favorites]

AND he makes beer? Is he single? Can we all marry him?
posted by thehmsbeagle at 6:06 PM on August 9, 2007

You know, I was just negotiating with my wife to allow me to purchase an eight-pound pork belly to turn into bacon. She is skeptical.
posted by stet at 6:08 PM on August 9, 2007

That post really turned me on.
posted by nixerman at 6:11 PM on August 9, 2007

this will come in handy after the apocalypse.
posted by Avenger at 6:11 PM on August 9, 2007

I wonder what human flesh tastes like.
posted by Gnostic Novelist at 6:14 PM on August 9, 2007

You know, Pope Benedict XVI's first miracle was curing bacon.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:15 PM on August 9, 2007

To hell with sobriety. And bacon sucks.
posted by nervousfritz at 6:17 PM on August 9, 2007

Does this work the same with longpigs?
I've got a freezer full of em and I'm getting tired of bbq.
posted by isopraxis at 6:18 PM on August 9, 2007

I like his entry about cooking a pig too.
posted by mrbill at 6:20 PM on August 9, 2007

When we hand out the Meta awards later this year, I nominate this one for "BEST ONE LINK POST," and I think it is definitely in the running for "BEST ONE LINK POST OF ALL TIME."
posted by MasonDixon at 6:21 PM on August 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

I love that his bacon rubs use kosher salt.
posted by bonehead at 6:26 PM on August 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

It's kind of sad, but the biggest lasting impression I got from that blog is the dude's got really pretty hands.
posted by lekvar at 6:27 PM on August 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'll bet it would be even better if you replaced the kosher salt with bacon salt.
posted by Poolio at 6:29 PM on August 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

Poolio, that would be worse than crossing the streams.

Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light while tasting of bacon.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:41 PM on August 9, 2007 [6 favorites]

What the hell did he mean by:
like eating pizza at Sbarro’s while visiting New York City

Is he trying to say "mediocre?"

Or did he mean to say "like eating pizza at Lombardi’s while visiting New York City"
posted by bashos_frog at 6:42 PM on August 9, 2007

Sbarro's? Is he serious? He may know bacon, but he sure don't know pizza. Hey bacon guy, next time you're in NYC, go here.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:47 PM on August 9, 2007

Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light while tasting of bacon.

I can't think of a better way to go.
posted by Poolio at 6:48 PM on August 9, 2007

Some men like fishin', and some men like fowlin' and some some men like to hear the cannon ball a roarin'.. but me I like bacon.
posted by Deep Dish at 6:48 PM on August 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

This reminds me of a t-shirt I saw in high school in the 70's: Underneath a cartoon of two pigs furiously copulating reads the caption "makin' bacon".
posted by Tube at 6:50 PM on August 9, 2007

It rubs the kosher salt in, or else it gets the hose again.
posted by isopraxis at 6:51 PM on August 9, 2007

Damnit, I just became a vegetarian again.
posted by Aversion Therapy at 6:51 PM on August 9, 2007

Read the maple syrup/Sbarro's sentence again guys : "Buying maple syrup from L.L. Bean’s headquarters is a bit like eating pizza at Sbarro’s while visiting New York City."

He's pointing out that in Maine you are surrounded by homey mom and pop places selling glorious, freshly tapped maple syrup and instead he bought it at L.L. Bean, which is like being in NYC surrounded by amazing pizza joints and buying a slice from Sbarros.

Great link, jonson.
posted by LeeJay at 6:52 PM on August 9, 2007

Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light while tasting of bacon.

This bacon taste would then last, we might suppose, for what could be described as "infinity"? An infinity of bacon?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:53 PM on August 9, 2007

Thanks for clarifying, LeeJay. My faith in Bacon Guy is restored.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:54 PM on August 9, 2007

damn, it's 9:55 pm and and I want to make breakfast....
posted by HuronBob at 6:55 PM on August 9, 2007

An infinity of bacon?

Yes, please.
posted by god hates math at 6:57 PM on August 9, 2007

Damnit, I just became a vegetarian again.
posted by Aversion Therapy at 9:51 PM on August 9 [+] [!]

Okay, that's eponysterical.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:58 PM on August 9, 2007 [4 favorites]

damn, it's 9:55 pm and and I want to make breakfast....

Any hour is the right hour for breakfast, he said eponysterically.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:58 PM on August 9, 2007 [3 favorites]

This is good. But I prefer green bacon to smoked. So if you want to try that, I think this link might be handy for you.

The other point, as the link I put in suggests, is that you really should invest the savings you make from buying in bulk and home curing in buying some really tasty and top quality belly.

For unfussy and practical, but also profoundly joyful, information on brining, confiting and much more, Nose to Tail Eating, by Fergus Henderson, of St. John restaurant in London, is excellent. It is also an elegant debunking of the idea that British food is, and has always been, terrible. If you get a chance to visit St. John itself, please do yourself the favour, you'll be glad you did.
posted by howfar at 7:01 PM on August 9, 2007

I can feel my arteries hardening just reading this thread. Yet another nail in my coffin. Thanks guys. Y'know, my father died from bacon. It was on the coroners report, along with a score of other foods THEY won't let me eat anymore.
posted by ZachsMind at 7:13 PM on August 9, 2007

I can't wait to wrap my lips around some jonson... err, no I'm gonna have to say bacon and not jonson.

I can just barely forgive this guy for doing bacon instead of proscuitto, given that charcuterie had recipes for both.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:13 PM on August 9, 2007

GODDAMN IT NOW I WANT ME SOME BACON SCREW THESE BACON POSTS UNLESS YOU HAVE SOME FOR ALL OF US ME!
posted by everichon at 7:13 PM on August 9, 2007

AND PROSCIUTTO! AND LARDO! AND PANCETTA! AND

no carrier
posted by everichon at 7:14 PM on August 9, 2007

I'm thinking this link might be useful given the FPP.
posted by ooga_booga at 7:23 PM on August 9, 2007

contains more free radicals than a PETA convention.

Hah!
posted by kuujjuarapik at 7:24 PM on August 9, 2007

God Fucking Damn. That was great.

I want that bacon. Hell, I want to have that bacon guy's babies.
posted by yhbc at 7:28 PM on August 9, 2007

Crap. It's 10.30pm and now I have to make bacon.
posted by headspace at 7:29 PM on August 9, 2007

Has anyone gotten the bacon salt? Was it yummy?
posted by yodelingisfun at 7:54 PM on August 9, 2007

I need to try this.
posted by eyeballkid at 7:55 PM on August 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Wow. Just wow.

Unfortunately, I think curing and smoking it is out of the question for me, but luckily I have a great local butcher / meat-market that sells wonderful local bacon.

Makes me want to break out my skillet and fry up a few rashers.

Also interesting -- I had never realized quite what a "pork belly" was before. No wonder they're worth money.
posted by Kadin2048 at 7:56 PM on August 9, 2007

Great post, I got Charcuterie for Christmas and tried my own hand at making bacon. It's just as easy and every bit as incredible as he says. Imagine the best bacon you've ever had, but a hundred times better and smoking hot from your grill.

I do have a bone to pick with him though, technically he's salting his bacon, not curing it. Notice how gray the inside of the meat is at the end, curing refers to the chemical change that nitrites cause which keep the meat pink and give it the characteristic "hammy" flavor. I'm sure his bacon was really great too, but I prefer the taste the nitrites give it. I know they're bad for me, but I figure a few milligrams aren't going to kill me if I survive all the saturated fat and salt.

I order my curing salt from Butcher & Packer. The correct proportion for a 5lb slab is:
1 lb kosher salt
8 oz sugar
2 oz curing salt
posted by TungstenChef at 8:05 PM on August 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

Damnit, I just became a vegetarian again.

You are at least the third vegetarian I've heard curse the existence of bacon and its tastiness. The power of bacon is not to be underestimated.
posted by recursion at 8:05 PM on August 9, 2007

THIS is why my pet pig Alphonse will from heretofore have his web access disabled. Even the PETA sites; He gets overexcited.
posted by longsleeves at 8:06 PM on August 9, 2007

GODDAMN YOU BACON GIVE ME JONSON YOU CRUEL BASTARD


bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon bacon bacon jonson bacon bacon bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson
posted by loquacious at 8:10 PM on August 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

*eyeballs jonson*

I wonder. They don't call us long pig for nothing.

Hey, jonson? Eat more butter.
posted by loquacious at 8:11 PM on August 9, 2007

...and bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.
posted by loquacious at 8:12 PM on August 9, 2007

My husband has the book Charcuterie, too. And now we also have a professional meat grinder, sausage skins, curing salts and plans for a smokehouse at the house we just bought. Plus, we live right next to a pig farm. Bacon Heaven.
posted by saffry at 8:13 PM on August 9, 2007

And now we also have a professional meat grinder, sausage skins, curing salts and plans for a smokehouse at the house we just bought. Plus, we live right next to a pig farm.

Trade lives with me.
posted by infinitywaltz at 8:18 PM on August 9, 2007

Heh, I was going through makeblog and *just* sent that link off to a bunch of friends.

What do I find, here on Metafilter?

Bacon. =)

item - The funny thing is that most true bacon fanatics could hardly muster up the strength to lug their artery-clogged wideloads

Tape up your fingers, item. I'm a skinny dude and I take my bacon very very seriously. Hell, metafilter users have favourited a bacon post of mine. Bacon is greater than religion. Bacon is more than a way of life.

I needs to find me a smoker.

Love (not just lust, but love, true love) of bacon? Check.
Access to Asian butchers selling cheap sides of pork? Check.
Interest in different flavours of bacon? Check*.
Smoker to cure the bacon? uh...
Love of eating bacon? Check.

*flavoured bacon beats bacon flavoured salt anyday imho
posted by porpoise at 8:21 PM on August 9, 2007

My husband has the book Charcuterie, too. And now we also have a professional meat grinder, sausage skins, curing salts and plans for a smokehouse at the house we just bought. Plus, we live right next to a pig farm. Bacon Heaven.

Pig hell.
posted by Poolio at 8:22 PM on August 9, 2007

The blogger's written diction reminds me of Alton Brown's spoken diction. But maybe it's just the food connection.
posted by Kwine at 8:26 PM on August 9, 2007

Gives me tha money or I cut offs your jonson.
posted by pmbuko at 8:34 PM on August 9, 2007

Interesting/gross fact: sometimes when you buy pork belly that still has the skin attached, it still has a nipple or two.


Mmm, bacon nipple.
posted by TungstenChef at 8:37 PM on August 9, 2007

Interesting/gross fact: sometimes when you buy pork belly that still has the skin attached, it still has a nipple or two.

On the belly? Would those be superfluous nipples?
posted by Poolio at 8:39 PM on August 9, 2007

I discovered last week that Wegman's* carries uncured bacon. Which is really REALLY good, in an "Oh, so that's what bacon tastes like!"**

*If you've never seen a Wegman's, I pity you. Wegman's is teh awsum.
**But not as much as the root beer at Schilo's in San Antonio, which is the platonic form of root beer. For the record, Schilo's root beer does not taste of like bacon.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:44 PM on August 9, 2007

Where the hell sm I supposed to buy a smoker at 10:49 pm? Home Deopt done run Uncle Sue's All Night Smoker Warehouse right out of bidness!
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:49 PM on August 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

No, no, no.

Using a smoker to smoke bacon is just....WRONG!!!

You can't smoke-cure bacon and cook it simultaneously!!!!!

The whole point is to COLD SMOKE it, not cook it, which means you need a hot box to generate the smoke and you need a cold box in which to hang the bacon. And a duct connecting one to the other.

Confused?

Don't be.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 8:49 PM on August 9, 2007

I also discovered for the second time that pig parts look eerily like human parts...

I wonder how he knows this? Regardless, I shall be purchasing Charcuterie very soon.
posted by slogger at 8:53 PM on August 9, 2007

Using a smoker to smoke bacon is just....WRONG!!!

Thou shalt not have any smoker other than side-by-side. Those vertical things are just... grills.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:56 PM on August 9, 2007

On the belly? Would those be superfluous nipples?

As you can see from this illustration the cut that's called "pork belly" extends well into nipple territory.

Where the hell sm I supposed to buy a smoker at 10:49 pm? Home Deopt done run Uncle Sue's All Night Smoker Warehouse right out of bidness!

Wal-Mart
(I've asked myself that same question before)

You can't smoke-cure bacon and cook it simultaneously!!!!!

In this epic eGullet thread (WARNING: endless pages of cured meat porn) someone cured 2 slabs and did one on their hot smoker, and one on their cold. The cold smoker version turned out no better than the hot.

But bacon isn't a food that can be argued about, it's a religion. You got to believe, brother!
posted by TungstenChef at 9:21 PM on August 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

And all this time I thought this was how bacon was made.
posted by cj_ at 9:23 PM on August 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

But bacon isn't a food that can be argued about, it's a religion. You got to believe, brother!

RAmen!
posted by Poolio at 9:28 PM on August 9, 2007

TungstenChef, where does this idea that curing = nitrites come from? Curing is any preservation by salting, smoking or drying, and what he's doing is definitely curing, albeit a cure that may not be thorough enough for long term preservation. I have never heard "cure" used in your very restrictive way before.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:35 PM on August 9, 2007

This article made me go to Canadian Tire to look at smokers -- my dad then phoned me (career meat cutter and salesman) - and asked me what I was doing at CT. Anyway I explained this article, and my Dad told me most of the pork bellies you get in these parts have the rind already removed because at the slaughterhouse it is easier to process...

That, and a lot of guys don't remove the rind. So, there is some variation on this method, and the pork is nipple free
posted by Deep Dish at 9:38 PM on August 9, 2007

"Has anyone gotten the bacon salt? Was it yummy?"

Yes, and yes.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:42 PM on August 9, 2007

mr_crash_davis - Yes, and yes.

Which flavor(s)?
posted by Poolio at 10:02 PM on August 9, 2007

Alright. I can already make bread and roast my own coffee. Now I can learn to cure bacon. All I need is to learn how to lay eggs and I can homebrew a complete breakfast!
posted by spock at 10:23 PM on August 9, 2007

Salt (second poem down)

‘We’d pack the meat down, in big joints,
shift them to lie snug. You’d hear the salt
crunch as you pushed your first lot in –
a good bed under the meat – handfuls
pressed down. Every space right solid.
Your fingers go numb. Little grains
get under your nails, skin’s as rough
as pig’s hide. End of day, your lips
taste salt. You breathe salt. Everything stings.’
posted by seanyboy at 10:54 PM on August 9, 2007

On the belly? Would those be superfluous nipples?

Pig nipples are on the belly already, no? Like cats and dogs. And cows.
posted by frobozz at 10:55 PM on August 9, 2007

You know, Pope Benedict XVI's first miracle was curing bacon.

Il Papa heads forces arrayed against Satan:
His seat in the See sees him beatificatin',
Delivering hom'lies on doctrinal fealty.
(Though dogma aside, his true passion's the BLT.)
Sainthood awaits he who weds Whip with some bacon.
posted by rob511 at 11:35 PM on August 9, 2007

Press button. Receive Bacon. Enjoy Bacon.
posted by Araucaria at 11:50 PM on August 9, 2007

“forming the pellicle” ...sounds like a weird art rock album by Hawkwind

hahahahaha.
ha.

bacon. my mom used to cook it in butter. and then salt it. damn good cook.
posted by lapolla at 12:29 AM on August 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

BitterOldPunk is right. This is an interesting post up until the point where he gets it totally wrong and makes a cooked pork belly.

Bacon is always cold smoked - which is why smoked and unsmoked bacon look pretty similar although they taste different.

Kind of strange to go to all that effort and then make such a basic error. What next? Cooked Carpaccio? Still Champagne? Fish & Chips using sushi?
posted by rhymer at 12:48 AM on August 10, 2007

Other than the human/non-human dichotomy and comestible issue, how are bacon eaters different from Nazis?
posted by Gnostic Novelist at 1:23 AM on August 10, 2007

From the blog post: "I sliced mine about 3/16 inch thick, which is something you just can’t get at a store, and which results in a piece of bacon that is crisp on the outside, and slightly chewy on the inside."

I beg to differ. Any decent meat shop will have slab bacon and will be happy to slice it at any thickness you request.

Here's a thick-sliced-bacon suggestion: next time you are having pork or beef (or preferably both) kebabs, add a few squares of thick-sliced bacon to the skewer. Truly sublime. My favourite traditional arrangement is onion-bacon-pepper-pork, onion-bacon-pepper-beef, repeat until you are nearly out of skewer and stick a cherry tomato on the end. Marinade in your favourite b-b-q sauce and you're good to go. Bonus points fo using quality cuts of meat and alternating green and red peppers.
posted by St Urbain's Horseman at 2:42 AM on August 10, 2007

loquacious: "bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon jonson bacon bacon jonson bacon jonson"
MUSHROOM MUSHROOM!



@BitterOldPunk:
I love that episode - like S10E18 "Corn the Beef" it's something I just have to try someday. I'm only an amateur cook, but some things are just too interesting not to try...
posted by PontifexPrimus at 3:10 AM on August 10, 2007

Wow - serendipity. I just bought the book that inspired this blog. You're my hero, Jonson. Bacon ahoy!
posted by ninazer0 at 3:48 AM on August 10, 2007

I think I love. You.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:53 AM on August 10, 2007

Damn it, you need a smoker. I do not have access to a smoker. Love withdrawn. Bacon love remains.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:55 AM on August 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

"mr_crash_davis - Yes, and yes.

Which flavor(s)?"

I like them all, but I think the hickory is the best.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:35 AM on August 10, 2007

To those of you lamenting the lack of a smoker, most meat shops will smoke stuff for you for a modest fee.
As to the nitrite/nitrate usage, apparently you can substitute ascorbic acid (vitamin C) to keep the meat pink. Nitrites are the dangerous ones, they make carcinogenic nitrosamines when they hit your stomach acid. Sulfur will out compete amines, so you could just eat some onions with cured meat (not so strange for hotdogs, weird for bacon though).
Though we were dirt poor when I was a kid growing up on a small farm (some years with adverse weather, we survived on $2000), we ate well. The back pantry had many bushels of potatoes, and rows of canned tomatoes, peppers, peaches, grape and cherry jam. The pump house had crocks of corned beef, sauerkraut and pickles. The freezer had the meat from several hogs and a steer (and fruit for pies). And the rafters hung with homemade bacon and ham, suspended from baling twine. Breakfast meat alternated between scraple, sausage and bacon. The old man would get a slab of bacon out of the fridge, skin still attached, and using a large butcher knife, cut perfect thick slices down to the skin, then slice along the bottom and detach them.
Oh, and our smoker? Vertical, made out of two 55 gallon drums. The smoke was definitely cold though. We didn't have hickory, so we used prunings or dropped limbs from our fruit trees (apple, peach, cherry, plum).
And as to the comment about bacon eaters not being able to move under their own power because of clogged arteries, my grandmother, who's farm it was, walked our long farm lane to the road several times a day and did 20 toe touches every night, till the day she died at 97.
posted by 445supermag at 8:32 AM on August 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

Maybe when our bacon-of-the-month subscription runs out, we'll start preparing our own artisan bacon. In truth, what possessed my husband to sign up was beyond me but the bacon has proven to be a huge hit with the 13 year old (boy whose shoe size has gone up three sizes in the last three months - is it the bacon?).
posted by bluesky43 at 9:33 AM on August 10, 2007

I am at this moment eating crispy, delicious bacon and for this I curse thank you jonson!
posted by Space Kitty at 10:35 AM on August 10, 2007

mmmmmm scrapple

hey, 445supermag, did y'all have scrambled pork brains'n'eggs as a special breakfast every once in a while? That's a childhood memory that elicits a frisson of equal parts revulsion and delight. A week's supply of cholesterol in every delicious serving.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:51 AM on August 10, 2007

A wonderful, magical animal.
posted by jokeefe at 11:17 AM on August 10, 2007

What a great post!
posted by OmieWise at 12:13 PM on August 10, 2007

hey, 445supermag, did y'all have scrambled pork brains'n'eggs as a special breakfast every once in a while?
No, but my mother (pennsylvania dutch side of the family) did talk about them wistfully (she also enjoyed sweetbreads and tripe). Our pig's heads were made into bacon/salt pork (jowls), scrapple or head cheese (souse). Our store bought breakfast treats were salt mackrel and potatoes or creamed salt cod on toast (or potatoes), no doubt reflecting my father's Finnish and Estonian side.
I remember my Finnish grandmother giving me coffee with breakfast when I was a toddler, but my mom put a stop to it, she thought it would stunt my growth.
posted by 445supermag at 1:16 PM on August 10, 2007

TungstenChef: thanks for the link to eGullet. Great stuff. This post in particular is fantastic. Reminds me I need to read eGullet more often.
posted by slogger at 3:49 PM on August 10, 2007

More people need this shirt. Including Aversion Therapy.
posted by hindmost at 5:43 PM on August 10, 2007

Maple bacon is the secret to my potato salad. Don't tell anyone.
posted by empyrean at 12:02 AM on August 11, 2007