Miles and Miles of Shiny Things

December 14, 2007 12:02 PM

Porn For Girls By Girls [sfw]
posted by Stynxno (52 comments total)

Pretty obviously written by a man.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:08 PM on December 14, 2007 [2 favorites]

Bollocks to that. If that's what girls really wanted, I'd be getting it every goddamn day of the week.
posted by chrismear at 12:09 PM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Painfully unfunny. Hell, even Hoobstank unfunny.

I think that this piece was actually targeted to the people who like hoobastank.
posted by Stynxno at 12:14 PM on December 14, 2007

Agreed.

Porn - the way women would like it. (Safe for work). Show this to a woman and guaranteed, she will laugh.

Written by a man.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:14 PM on December 14, 2007

Whoever wrote that is a knob. Thou shalt not falsely promise porn.
posted by SassHat at 12:15 PM on December 14, 2007

Obviousest jokes ever. So lame.
posted by sneakin at 12:16 PM on December 14, 2007

LOL WOMEN WATCH PORN LIKE THIS BUT MEN WATCH PORN LIKE THIS AMIRITE?
posted by dersins at 12:17 PM on December 14, 2007 [2 favorites]

sneakin writes "Obviousest jokes ever."

A joke about buying shoes would have been slightly more obvious. Slightly.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:17 PM on December 14, 2007

Actually, women make up a pretty sizable percentage of porn viewers. This is like the stuff that would turn on a half-remembered memory of simulacrum of a woman from a 1980's sitcom.
posted by delmoi at 12:20 PM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Placeholder comment for obligatory "BotW?" comment.
posted by paulsc at 12:21 PM on December 14, 2007

Um... for the record, any screen that pitches the word "PORN" in large block letters across the top of its front page is _N_SFW.

I'm just sayin'.
posted by Mike D at 12:21 PM on December 14, 2007

You know, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that real pornography is less degrading and sexist than drivel like the FPP and this. But then again, I get way more incensed about these things than is reasonable.
posted by Weebot at 12:22 PM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Pretty obviously written by a man.
posted by mr_roboto at 3:08 PM on December 14 [+] [!]

Yep. See the credit line near the bottom: Written by David McCandless :: Additional material Stephen Hill, Rhodri Marsden, and Toby Slater.
posted by blaneyphoto at 12:22 PM on December 14, 2007

Hey, y'know what's funny?

Because if you do, you should probably email this David McCandless character and let him know.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:23 PM on December 14, 2007 [8 favorites]

Flagged as unfunniest.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:25 PM on December 14, 2007

Big veiny arms stained in oil? Wet smiling eyes? Greasy dude with a mullet who wants to hug me?

I *am* a girl, and this totally *is* like porn for me. The 2girls1cup kind.

posted by freshwater_pr0n at 12:25 PM on December 14, 2007 [5 favorites]

You know, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that real pornography is less degrading and sexist than drivel like the FPP and this.

Err...what? Really? Um...no.

But then again, I get way more incensed about these things than is reasonable.

Oh okay. Makes sense now.
posted by Avenger50 at 12:27 PM on December 14, 2007

It's like a joke and a website at the same time! HUH!?
posted by mike_bling at 12:28 PM on December 14, 2007

I kind of.. I don't know.. I sort of snickered.
posted by kbanas at 12:29 PM on December 14, 2007

Agree with Mike D. Any page with "PORN" in large block letters should be considered NSFW. And any url with the word "porn" in it is probably not safe for work. Unless you want to explain why the firewall log says you tried to access the site www.pornforgirlsbygirls.com.
posted by Crash at 12:31 PM on December 14, 2007

You're all missing the point, I think. The point is, actual porn sites are this stereotypical, only they're stereotypically male. This would be exactly what a porn website would think to offer women. Also the look of the page is spot on.
posted by Authorized User at 12:34 PM on December 14, 2007

I seem to recall a statistic that said women make up 60 percent of the viewing audience for porn. I also recall thinking that this seemed an unlikely statistic. And then I remembered that I have watched porn with almost every female friend I have, but almost no men. And then I wondered why I was thinking about porn, but not watching it. And, about 20 minutes later, I took a little nap.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:35 PM on December 14, 2007 [10 favorites]

Authorized User writes "This would be exactly what a porn website would think to offer women."

Actually, I think they'd probably go with pictures and videos of people fucking.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:39 PM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Profoundly disappointing. I thought this was going to be a good Friday night.
posted by hojoki at 12:39 PM on December 14, 2007

The point is, actual porn sites are this stereotypical, only they're stereotypically male.

No, the "stereotypically male" equivalent of this would be, "Girls cooking you dinner!"; "Two chicks bring you one beer!"; "Footjob under the table at lunch with your parents!"

Okay, I guess I'd subscribe to that last one.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:41 PM on December 14, 2007

God dammit. I wanted REAL. PORN. However, I like the porn story variety, and they are inevitably horribly written.

Porn is awesome.

Stereotyping women is bullshit. I have never had a man take care of me, buy me presents, carry my purse whilst shopping or, seriously, even had a god damn manicure.

I'll be watching my inbox for suggestions on REAL PORN BY WOMEN FOR WOMEN if klangklangston would like to recommend some.

Teases.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 12:42 PM on December 14, 2007

So -- it's basically an advertisement for a book: "The Internet: Now in Handy Book Form," available from Amazon UK (£7.79 & eligible for Free UK delivery on orders over £15 with Super Saver Delivery!!!).
posted by ericb at 12:45 PM on December 14, 2007

FWIW, that Porn for Women book that Weebot mentioned has sold more than 40,000 copies so far...
posted by twsf at 12:48 PM on December 14, 2007

Some comments at Amazon UK:

"The word mavens have avoided the easy lads mag route (which I always thought was one of the big let downs in most illustrative humour books) and delivered some quality satirical writing. So the thing to do is scroll up this page and click on Add to Shopping Basket and shortly you'll get some fun stuff courtesy of a few cut down trees."

"This is a laugh out loud, gaffaw a plenty style book. Absolutely hilarious - there are millions of jokes on every page....A must for anyone that likes a good joke, or thousands."

"Gags galour...I was sceptical but the concept works, it feels like surfing the web. every page is brimming with nuggets, so there is plenty to dip back into."

Methinks that some of the editorial assistants at Portico Publishers are a little to eager!
posted by ericb at 12:50 PM on December 14, 2007

I have never had a man take care of me, buy me presents

You've never had a man buy you presents? Really?
posted by dersins at 12:50 PM on December 14, 2007

Avenger50: The less-degrading-than-real-porn stuff is kind of a throwaway line, but I always did find this type of stuff distasteful in that particular "good girls don't like sex" sort of way.

twsf: That's very depressing.
posted by Weebot at 12:51 PM on December 14, 2007

This tired sexist joke was incrementally more original, but not any funnier, when the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative was making it.
posted by box at 12:54 PM on December 14, 2007

'Wave after wave of shiny presents' makes me think that the creators of this website were thinking of raccoons, not women.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:00 PM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

LEAVE HOOBASTANK ALONE!!!
posted by porn in the woods at 1:03 PM on December 14, 2007

I could give you a couple of examples of presents I've gotten, but I can count them on one hand. Literally.

I'm not counting birthdays, Christmases and my engagement ring from my failed marriage there.

My reference was along the line of "ooo he brought me flowers/chocolate/a diamond tennis bracelet/a gift of ANY kind for our anniversary!"

I have gotten flowers exactly once and it was from my current flame.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:07 PM on December 14, 2007

Let me put it bluntly: I'm the romantic one in my relationships.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:07 PM on December 14, 2007

Hey, why do girls like those romantic movies? What's up with that?
posted by frecklefaerie at 1:08 PM on December 14, 2007

On one of their sister sites, www.poormatch.com, I saw this joke personal:

"Film junkie alcoholic with scoliosis of the spine. I like curling up on the sofa with a bottle of red wine and a DVD."

I thought that was funny. But sadly it was the only funny joke on the page.

(Are there "brother sites"? It seems like the media is assigned the female gender, "sister station" "sister publication". I would think that sexist, but then I'd have to argue with a few of the romance languages.)
posted by JeremiahBritt at 1:09 PM on December 14, 2007

Item is excluded from my rant; he is marvelous. My past boyfriends were cheap selfish bastards.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:14 PM on December 14, 2007

Girl porn? (sfw)
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 1:23 PM on December 14, 2007

There are too many adjectives in romance novels for me to get what I need out of them.

I. DEMAND. PORN.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:26 PM on December 14, 2007

I think we can all agree that this sort of vicious, demeaning stereotyping of Hoobastank is flat-out wrong.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:27 PM on December 14, 2007

Why do the girls get porn that's safe for work?
posted by sambosambo at 1:33 PM on December 14, 2007

Men haven't bought me many presents either, actually. I've always given people more presents than I've received. I tend to pick up little things for people on a whim, but I think people don't know what to get me so they decide I don't need anything. Which is a bummer sometimes, but whatever.

About three months ago I told someone I didn't want to date them and they bought me a pearl necklace, though. It totally weirded me out. Because I dumped him, and then he texted me, saying, "Hey! I bought you a present! See me so I can give it to you!" And I hadn't been in that situation in... geez, forever. So I thought, wow... is that how it's supposed to stereotypically work with women? I'm supposed to suddenly change my opinions and feelings when someone waves a shiny trinket in my face? Seriously?

I'm probably weird, but I just couldn't relate. Why would I want to get presents for negative reasons or to buy my affection? I want to get them for unconditional reasons, just because someone thinks I rock and wants to give me something and make me happy. Just for fun and pleasure, without strings or guilt attached. So when that happened, it made me think. I wonder if some women look at their jewelry and think, "Oh, I love this ring... I remember he bought me it right after he left me stranded at the airport and I didn't talk to him for 2 days. Oh, and this bracelet was for when he called me a bitch, boy was I mad! And these diamond earrings were for the time I told him I never wanted to see him again because he slept with the babysitter in our bed. Aren't they pretty? Aren't I lucky?" Huh.

Anyhow, later this man told me that he got pissed when I wouldn't take the pearls and threw them in a garbage can in some kind of tantrum. So if you are ever walking through Palo Alto and see some dumpster diving homeless woman in pearls, please do me a favor and tell her they look great on her. :)
posted by miss lynnster at 1:33 PM on December 14, 2007 [2 favorites]

I seem to recall a statistic that said women make up 60 percent of the viewing audience for porn. I also recall thinking that this seemed an unlikely statistic. And then I remembered that I have watched porn with almost every female friend I have, but almost no men. And then I wondered why I was thinking about porn, but not watching it. And, about 20 minutes later, I took a little nap.
posted by Astro Zombie

I believe the statistic is about 60% of college women don't mind porn. I'd link to it but fark is considered NSFW here at the office.
posted by birdherder at 1:33 PM on December 14, 2007

What kind of sicko gets off to that sort of thing? The horror! The horror!
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 1:34 PM on December 14, 2007

This is fucking obnoxious and does not belong on Metafilter.
posted by agregoli at 1:38 PM on December 14, 2007

"Oh, I love this ring... I remember he bought me it right after he left me stranded at the airport and I didn't talk to him for 2 days. Oh, and this bracelet was for when he called me a bitch, boy was I mad! And these diamond earrings were for the time I told him I never wanted to see him again because he slept with the babysitter in our bed. Aren't they pretty? Aren't I lucky?"

This is for the time he was accused of rape.
posted by delmoi at 1:43 PM on December 14, 2007

I guess this can be reduced to "a chocolate dick that ejaculates money".
posted by plexi at 1:47 PM on December 14, 2007

Metafilter: This is fucking obnoxious and does not belong on Metafilter
posted by Artw at 1:47 PM on December 14, 2007

Well, I guess unless I start dating rapists and getting pissed off at men a whole lot, I'm just never gonna own any bling. Damn.
posted by miss lynnster at 1:48 PM on December 14, 2007

I. DEMAND. PORN.

I so badly want to buy you a present right now. Please don't tell Mrs. Bartfast
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:49 PM on December 14, 2007