21 Halloween costumes that will not get you laid

October 31, 2009 2:12 AM

21 Halloween costumes that will not get you laid. Probably NSFW. Looking through these, I'm sensing a certain theme. 21 fun, ad-choked clicks. sorry.
posted by Slithy_Tove (56 comments total)

Too subtle.

On the best of the hypothesis vagina guy on the left is a peehole.

Though we all know what he actually is...
posted by qvantamon at 2:29 AM on October 31, 2009

It's a damn shame what adults have done to Halloween.

.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:33 AM on October 31, 2009 [14 favorites]

All the guys with costumes that will never get them laid should meet all the girls with slutty Halloween costumes.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:56 AM on October 31, 2009

Jebus Flurking Cripes.
posted by bwg at 3:14 AM on October 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you had a whole party that was only heterosexual girls in slutty costumes, and guys (any flavor) in costumes that will never get them laid... what would happen? (Assume that no one is allowed to leave the party, no one is allowed to change their costume, and no new guests - such as guys in slutty or neutral costumes - were allowed in.)
posted by taz at 3:18 AM on October 31, 2009

taz: I would expect one guest to be murdered every hour, all of the guests' embarrassing past secrets and character failings to be revealed over the course of the night, and the murderer to be the plain-Jane kitchen maid.

There's nothing like a grown man bawling over his failed relationship with his father while wearing a three-foot long velour-covered pantomime penis.
posted by Slithy_Tove at 3:27 AM on October 31, 2009 [14 favorites]

I actually had a pretty fun time imagining the fairer sex wearing each of these costumes.
posted by christhelongtimelurker at 3:32 AM on October 31, 2009

This is still the most disturbing set of Halloween costumes out there. It's the over-the-shoulder come hither look that really does it though.
posted by permafrost at 3:42 AM on October 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

Okay, fine, permafrost. Go ahead and throw sexy dogs into my hypothetical.
posted by taz at 3:54 AM on October 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

I just went to McDonald's to get my morning coffee, and intersected with the drunk-after-halloween-party crowd. The guy next to me was about 250 pounds, with three days' growth of beard, dressed in a pink tutu and little pink crown. I caught his eye and said "Listen buddy, there's nothing wrong with that, and anyway, this is a gay neighbourhood." He laughed and gestured me to draw closer, clearly wanting to impart a secret. "If you ever, ever, want to have a whole lot of women pay attention to you all night, cross-dress." I agreed to take his advice and made my lonely way home.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 4:05 AM on October 31, 2009 [8 favorites]

If you ever, ever, want to have a whole lot of women pay attention to you all night, cross-dress.

That's not why most guys want women to pay attention to them.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:15 AM on October 31, 2009

"If you ever, ever, want to have a whole lot of women pay attention to you all night, cross-dress."

Pretty sure everyone's going to pay attention to an unshaven, 250-pound dude in a tutu.
posted by secret about box at 4:15 AM on October 31, 2009 [6 favorites]

I posit that those models got laid before, after, and during the photo shoot. I also posit that during the costume fitting, a bisexual orgy broke out.
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:25 AM on October 31, 2009

Paging Fashion SWAT

Dr Thorpe: Somebody is going to get drunk in this thing and fall down, and he'll be as helpless as a flipped tortoise.

Zack: It's so horrible it makes me want to buy fifty of them and then get groups of people to stand in darkened alleyways downtown. Like you walk past the alley and you see five of these guys standing around a burning oil drum. You'll keep walking, but you'll never forget what you saw.

Dr. Thorpe: It would be like that part in The Shining where the guy in the dog costume is going down on the old man. There's nothing objectively scary about it, but it's just fucked up enough that it chills your blood.
posted by kid ichorous at 4:25 AM on October 31, 2009 [13 favorites]

I say this because I've known a few male models.
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:25 AM on October 31, 2009

Article is better when you imagine Simcha is a guy's name.
posted by From Bklyn at 4:26 AM on October 31, 2009

If you go as the giant breast, at least you can pretend to be a character from a Philip Roth novel.
posted by dortmunder at 4:54 AM on October 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Sadly, I think these costumes will get a lot of guys laid. But it will be, for both parties, extremely unsatisfying. Although the next day, they will brag about it like it was incredible and all of their friends will be jealous.
posted by molecicco at 4:57 AM on October 31, 2009

Simcha is a guy's name. Or at least I know a guy with that name. He's Israeli.

I, um, actually thought the chick magnet one was sort of cute. It's almost sort of unfair to include that with the rest of them.
posted by naoko at 6:43 AM on October 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

See, this is why I just don't do Halloween anymore.
posted by Naberius at 6:43 AM on October 31, 2009

Superfluous concept. If you want a costume that won't get you laid, just be yourself.
posted by obamamustlose at 6:50 AM on October 31, 2009 [3 favorites]

I've run across about seven people at school either wearing or intending to wear blackface as part of a costume this week. Given a would-you-rather imperative, the snake charmer's looking preferable.
posted by carbide at 6:51 AM on October 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

there is so much going on that page. I hate websites.
posted by parmanparman at 6:55 AM on October 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

What is up with all the perfect ab men for these costumes? Big burley truckers would have been more the demographic.

Wait...

The people of walmart site is going to be really scary the next few days isn't it?
posted by jopreacher at 7:03 AM on October 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Turtles, the guy in the tutu is right. About twelve years ago one of the Gulf Coast casinos had a summer long Thursday "ladies' night" promotion with a free blackjack and video poker tournament and other goodies for the ladies. The male tournament sharks spent the whole summer grousing about not being able to play and several kept threatening to show up in drag. Well, the next to last ladies' night actually fell on Hallowe'en, and on a bit of a dare from my GF I did it. I got an old long dress from Goodwill, white sneakers, a tiny purse, and I let my long hair down and went as a little old lady.

Hilarity ensued. Everybody had to check it out, and I ended up having my picture in the Mobile newspaper the next day. The guys who were too chicken to really do it are still kicking themselves. For weeks the male pitboss who didn't let me play in the blackjack tournament was taking heat for his lack of sportsmanship, and the female slots host who did let me play got mad props. People were still talking about it at Christmas. That said I will almost certainly never do it again.
posted by localroger at 7:12 AM on October 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

Seconded on the chick magnet. That's the only one I could imagine some guy wearing while taking his kids trick-or-treating. The rest, ewwwww.
posted by pernoctalian at 7:41 AM on October 31, 2009

Commenting purely for the eponysteria. Carry on.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:56 AM on October 31, 2009

It would only be eponysterically appropriate for this thread if your name was Halloween Jackass.
posted by Ufez Jones at 8:09 AM on October 31, 2009

Going as Santa will get you attention.
posted by infinitewindow at 8:13 AM on October 31, 2009

1 Web Design That Will Not Get You Laid
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One image per page.
posted by DU at 8:40 AM on October 31, 2009 [7 favorites]

Regarding the whole "will this get you laid" framing, it is obvious to all of us that the only way for an individual with a penis to be worthy of respect is to gain access to a vagina, and the only way for an individual with a vagina to be worthy of respect is to withhold access from penis. So what we have, is a zero sum game. This is a war, and there will be a winner, and a loser.

As a person with a penis, it is my job to make sure that the winner each night is the "macho stud" (me) and the loser is the "pathetic whore" (whichever vagina-owner I am able to conquer on that night). If I lose, my opponent remains a "respectable lady", and I become the "loser who can't get laid".

Many people swear by mind games and social strategies. Others focus on things like staying in shape or learning to dance. As a person with poor interpersonal skills, a terrible mind for strategy, a bad habit of overeating, little interest in dance music, poor co-ordination and a dislike for inebriation, the usual approaches are not cut out for me.

What I do is collect urine samples from virile athletic young men (pretending to be an official for an intramural athletic conference works here) - I dress in my "club camo" - wearing clothing that lets me blend in with the crowd. Then I generously apply the pheromone laden jock urine in order to attract a likely specimen. Once she is in range, I use a special plastic tube that duplicates the call of a rutting douchebag, if she replies positively to the call, I ascertain that we have no friends in common, and we plot a series of events ensuring that she can claim to her friends that she went home alone and I can claim to my friends that I totally tapped that ass. And that way we both win.
posted by idiopath at 8:58 AM on October 31, 2009 [23 favorites]

Further proof that the 'adult' of our parents' generation and generations before them is a dying breed.
posted by xmutex at 9:21 AM on October 31, 2009 [3 favorites]

Y'know, I almost posted this myself and then I thought "No. No one needs to see the vag costume."

How wrong I was. EVERYONE needs to see the vag costume. My retinas can not suffer alone.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:23 AM on October 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

What really gets me about the vagina costumes is that both models look deliriously happy. It's like they've always dreamt that one day they would have their pictures taken while wearing a ginormous plush vagina but never thought the dream would ever actually come true.
posted by Kattullus at 9:35 AM on October 31, 2009 [3 favorites]

Oh wow. I did the Hugh Hefner playboy costume a few years back at a nightclub. It went off fairly well actually.
posted by Octoparrot at 9:38 AM on October 31, 2009

This link is so awful as to be fucking perfect.
posted by jason's_planet at 9:43 AM on October 31, 2009

"I see that you are pretending to have a large penis."
posted by Flunkie at 9:46 AM on October 31, 2009 [4 favorites]

LOOK AT ME I'M A VAGINA

So after you've worn the ladyworks costme for eight or nine hours I wonder how much the dry cleaners will charge when you plop it on their counter.
posted by longsleeves at 10:27 AM on October 31, 2009

There's nothing like a grown man bawling over his failed relationship with his father while wearing a three-foot long velour-covered pantomime penis.

YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER TELL ANYONE! YOU PROMISED!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:39 AM on October 31, 2009 [7 favorites]

If you google image search for "vagina costume." the costume my husband made for Halloween 2000 is still on the first page of results. (The picture isn't from Halloween but a Super Heroes party - thus the pink cape.) I dare say it is one of the few vagina costumes that's actually based on what a woman's crotch really looks like. I guess that kind of detail would make it cost prohibitive for most manufactures.
posted by vespabelle at 10:45 AM on October 31, 2009

vespabelle: "I dare say it is one of the few vagina costumes that's actually based on what a woman's crotch really looks like."

"No, honey. you can't come in right now, mommy's modeling for daddy's Halloween costume."

"The picture isn't from Halloween but a Super Heroes party - thus the pink cape."

Hero: "Halt, evildoer! It is I, SuperVagina!"
Villain: "So, if I... like, don't halt... what are you gonna do? Are you going to use vagina-related superpowers?"
Hero: "..."
posted by PontifexPrimus at 11:16 AM on October 31, 2009

I would like to see that vagina costume, vespabelle, (I think. I could be horribly, horribly wrong here.) but not enough to google image search for vagina costume.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:06 PM on October 31, 2009

"I would like to see that vagina costume, vespabelle"

I think I found the costume vespabelle is referring to.
posted by idiopath at 12:18 PM on October 31, 2009

Is that costume on the right supposed to be a vagina, or something else?
posted by FatherDagon at 2:01 PM on October 31, 2009

idiopath: I think I found the costume vespabelle is referring to.

At first, after clicking through to see the picture, I sat in my chair transfixed, my brain locked and immobile from shock. And once I had closed the tab the image remained in my brain so that every time I blinked it flashed before me. And now, it has become like a translucent film strung across my eyes so that even when looking at something else I still see... it. Soon, I know, I will see nothing else and I will be forced to close myself off from the outside world so that I can bury my head in heavy cloth and swaddling and scream, scream, scream until I pass out and, I hope, never wake up again. But I fear, should I dream, or should there be a world beyond this, I will still see... it... before me... forever... in eternity.
posted by Kattullus at 2:04 PM on October 31, 2009 [5 favorites]

Kattullus: But I fear, should I dream, or should there be a world beyond this, I will still see... it... before me... forever... in eternity.

Huh. I thought it was kind of nifty. After taking a second look, what it really needs is a giant puckered anus somewhere near his navel.
posted by idiopath at 2:27 PM on October 31, 2009

Anita Waxin'?

Are you fucking kidding me?
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 3:04 PM on October 31, 2009

21 fun, ad-choked clicks. sorry.

Oh, that's okay. I'm using Firefox.
posted by bingo at 3:57 PM on October 31, 2009

Years ago a group of us went to a halloween party thrown by a sharehouse. My immediate friends and I decided that we would dress up as the hosts- one of the hosts has large thick celtic tattoos running down her arms - all the rage in the nineties. So, my friend drew these tattoos onto his forearms with marker pen- we went to the party and were amazing yada yada.

Next day, we had to go to some uppety pub for some drinking reason or what ever. We were walking through the door and my mate was stopped at the door- "Oi. No visible tatts mate"

"Oh, these aren't tattoos, I drew them on with marker pen"

"Hmmm, OK then, in you go"
posted by mattoxic at 5:31 PM on October 31, 2009

You can store two beer cans in that fake peen

Celebrate Halloween by wearing a Hollow Ween.
posted by Ratio at 9:26 PM on October 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

Oh hey, they also do non-Halloween* themes.

*note: still scary.
posted by ryanrs at 1:20 AM on November 1, 2009

[maybe I should have posted that in the other thread]
posted by ryanrs at 1:12 AM on November 1, 2009

This civilization is doomed. DOOMED.
posted by Scoo at 4:47 AM on November 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Okay, yeah, I was horribly, horribly wrong there. Great costume! Um. Technically, I mean. Not even going into the Should This Ever Have Been Done Or Would It Have Been Wiser, in Retrospect, To Never Tamper With These Forces thing.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:00 AM on November 1, 2009

"If you ever, ever, want to have a whole lot of women pay attention to you all night, cross-dress."

Last night I went to a party dressed as a Mexican señorita, with a black wig and lots of paper flowers and one of those dresses where you can lift the hem above your head on both sides and still be decently covered.

Let me just say that I have never had my boobs groped by admiring women so much in my life.
posted by darksasami at 1:33 PM on November 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

After shopping for my own costume, I came home and ranted to my (male) roommate about how unfair it was that there were so many prepackaged costumes for women that were objectifiying and skimpy and etc. etc. etc. He's only been there a month and hadn't quite seen any of my full-on BOO MALE PRIVILEGE rants, so he looked a little intimdated and I felt vaguely guilty.

So when I saw this I showed him the link in an effort to make up for it: "Okay, see, I've learned that guys have Halloween rough too!"

Come Halloween he avoided wearing a costume altogether and just stayed in and watched the World Series. I think I went a little too far.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:35 AM on November 4, 2009