Bennett Lets Off Some Steaming Love

December 14, 2010 6:42 PM

Dear John, Love, Bennett: A video love letter from Bennett to John Matrix of the 80's action movie Commando. (SLYT)
posted by Arthur Phillips Jones Jr (19 comments total)

Did I just see a slash fan tribute youtube flic doing Queen karoake?
posted by cavalier at 6:56 PM on December 14, 2010

Yes, cavalier, and now that you mention it, I believe that this is exactly why futurists are not worth a damn. Of all the slick and hopeful and clever books produced in the last hundred years about what our lives will be like in the YEAR TWO-THOUSAND-TEN, not one of them even approached a single one of the concepts inherent in "a slash fan tribute youtube flic doing Queen karaoke."
posted by Countess Elena at 7:07 PM on December 14, 2010

Alvin Toffler: Remember when I told you we wouldn't have slash fan tribute youtube flic doing Queen karaoke? I LIED.
posted by Artw at 7:12 PM on December 14, 2010 [5 favorites]

Commando was the first badass movie I think I ever saw. My grandmother had HBO and I stumbled upon it one day and watched it, rapt until the very end. When you're a 10-12 year-old boy in the mid '80s, nothing, and I mean nothing was as badass as Commando.

Arnold cuts down a tree, and then carries it to his cabin on his fucking shoulders.

Alyssa Milano

"I like you, that's why I'm going to kill you last."

There are secret buildings easily accessed across the country, and they have hidden compartments concealing Uzis and bazookas.

"Let off some steam."

You can't keep Arnold down. Oh fuck he's on a 747 with a bad guy? No problem, he'll just snap his neck, excuse himself to the bathroom, and then slip off the wheel of the jet as it's taking off and land.......in the Everglades? From like 200 feet in the air? Awesome.

Rae Dawn Chong blows up a phone booth when she shoots a bazooka backwards.

Arnold had a badass wristwatch. Digital countdown timer? BADASS! I went through a series of Armitron watches that all had countdown timers, you know, just in case.

Alyssa Milano

God I need to see this movie right now.

posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 7:16 PM on December 14, 2010 [9 favorites]

spikelee: you forgot the fact that his purported name is "John Matrix." That's the moviest possible name. It belongs to no actual language or tradition and yet it sounds badass.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:24 PM on December 14, 2010 [3 favorites]

What is the badass-level of the chainmail vest?
posted by Artw at 7:26 PM on December 14, 2010

Definitely not as badass as Arnold's utility vest. I scoured Army surplus stores for something that resembled this yet allowed me to wear it to middle school without being labeled a freak.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 7:33 PM on December 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

The most amazing thing is that they didn't finish Bennetts outfit off with a pair of leather chaps.
posted by Artw at 7:41 PM on December 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

I know, right? After John Matrix kills Bennett, he should have a shootout with the Cop and then a knife fight with the Indian.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 7:45 PM on December 14, 2010 [1 favorite]

...

Wow okay so, when I go off on my various obsessive tangents about things, this is how I look to non-fans?


I


I need to lie down.
posted by The Whelk at 8:58 PM on December 14, 2010 [2 favorites]

I don't need the girl!
posted by Artw at 9:31 PM on December 14, 2010

let off some steam....
posted by mannequito at 9:38 PM on December 14, 2010

That moustache. It screams, rudely. It screams. It's a screaming moustache. It screams "Hi! I'm from the Village, and I'm here to...decorate."

I thought the guild had outlawed the use of clones in video.
posted by Goofyy at 10:05 PM on December 14, 2010

If you own the DVD of Commando--and why wouldn't you?--you'll learn that Vernon Wells was cast as Bennett only after the original actor had either quit or been fired. But it was too late to fit Wells for the costume, so he wore the original actor's (smaller) costume, which is part of the reason Bennett looks like he's escaped from a Village People cover band.

You'll also learn that Rae Dawn Chong has some hilarious things to say about working with Bill Duke.
posted by Rangeboy at 11:18 PM on December 14, 2010

Is there an Arnie commentary track? Those are the best. "And now I am telling him I will kill him last - ha ha! I am lying!"
posted by Artw at 11:23 PM on December 14, 2010 [5 favorites]

spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints: I know exactly what you're talking about, I watched the dvd with my 12 year old son. Not just for reasons of it being badass, but also to illustrate my moral universe, which boils down to: what goes around, comes around.
posted by ouke at 12:04 AM on December 15, 2010

It's amazing that back in the 80s Freddie Mercury was straight, Elton John was straight, even this guy was straight and John Matrix... no he was gay, even then.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:38 AM on December 15, 2010

I would say that Seagal's "Mason Storm" outdoes Ahnohld's "John Matrix".

I know which name I would use when signing into a hotel anyway.

Would you like breakfast at all sir?
A green beret please. Thank you very much.
posted by longbaugh at 3:45 AM on December 15, 2010

So after a long, restful sleep, I come back here and no one's mentioned how absolutely stunning and perfect the soundtrack is? He even used it in the YT tribute! Dee dee dee deee doo dee dee...
posted by cavalier at 5:07 AM on December 15, 2010