Divers recover ashes that were stolen, snorted
January 21, 2011 10:20 AM Subscribe
I hope, that after I die, if my ashes are combined with those of my dogs, then stolen, snorted in lieu of cocaine, and fished out of a retention pond, that the two divers who recover them pose and smile with them, like this.
This post was deleted for the following reason: self-linker -- cortex
Important to note: cremated human remains most closely resemble kitty litter or granulated chlorine. I can't see how this mistake could have possibly been made.
posted by ColdChef at 10:23 AM on January 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by ColdChef at 10:23 AM on January 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
That's a pretty specific death plan. Get thee to askme to find a lawyer in your area to draft something like that up. Also, your executor has his/her work cut out for them...
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:26 AM on January 21, 2011
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:26 AM on January 21, 2011
I can't see how this mistake could have possibly been made
I was thinking the same thing. The one time I scattered ashes it had like chunks of bone in it.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:26 AM on January 21, 2011
I was thinking the same thing. The one time I scattered ashes it had like chunks of bone in it.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:26 AM on January 21, 2011
When my wife and I had one of our cats cremated, I was surprised by how much his remains resembled crack cocaine. I should have left the bag out on the curb with a note reading "FREE."
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:26 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:26 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
Important to note: cremated human remains most closely resemble kitty litter or granulated chlorine. I can't see how this mistake could have possibly been made.
Truer words were never spoken.
posted by The Giant Squid at 10:27 AM on January 21, 2011
Truer words were never spoken.
posted by The Giant Squid at 10:27 AM on January 21, 2011
That's a pretty specific death plan
Best one I ever heard was a guy who said he wanted to be cut into chunks and scattered throughout the ventilation system of the office building where he worked.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:28 AM on January 21, 2011 [10 favorites]
Best one I ever heard was a guy who said he wanted to be cut into chunks and scattered throughout the ventilation system of the office building where he worked.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:28 AM on January 21, 2011 [10 favorites]
I will forgive the fark nature of this post because of the amazing mug shot.
posted by Felex at 10:29 AM on January 21, 2011
posted by Felex at 10:29 AM on January 21, 2011
I can't see how this mistake could have possibly been made.
We're not talking about smart people here - they're thieves and drug users, so I'm not surprised at all that they'd be dumb enough to do that.
posted by blaneyphoto at 10:29 AM on January 21, 2011
We're not talking about smart people here - they're thieves and drug users, so I'm not surprised at all that they'd be dumb enough to do that.
posted by blaneyphoto at 10:29 AM on January 21, 2011
I could have sworn this happened in a movie...
posted by biochemist at 10:30 AM on January 21, 2011
posted by biochemist at 10:30 AM on January 21, 2011
We're not talking about smart people here - they're thieves and drug users, so I'm not surprised at all that they'd be dumb enough to do that.
Have you ever met an investment banker/seen American Psycho?
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:31 AM on January 21, 2011
Have you ever met an investment banker/seen American Psycho?
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:31 AM on January 21, 2011
I didn't start laughing until I got to the name of the lake "Love Joy & Magic Lake".....
posted by HuronBob at 10:33 AM on January 21, 2011
posted by HuronBob at 10:33 AM on January 21, 2011
What about mistaken for chocolate milk and drunk?
You just gave me an awful flashback. Once when we were telling ghost stories, my cousin Jeannette told me about a girl who confused a container of rat poison with Strawberry Quik. Later, her parents found her body under a volcano.
Even as a five year old I knew it didn't make any sense, but that just made it scarier.
posted by hermitosis at 10:34 AM on January 21, 2011 [16 favorites]
You just gave me an awful flashback. Once when we were telling ghost stories, my cousin Jeannette told me about a girl who confused a container of rat poison with Strawberry Quik. Later, her parents found her body under a volcano.
Even as a five year old I knew it didn't make any sense, but that just made it scarier.
posted by hermitosis at 10:34 AM on January 21, 2011 [16 favorites]
I could have sworn this happened in a movie...
About a year ago there was a report that Keith Richards had snorted his father's remains.
posted by dobbs at 10:34 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
About a year ago there was a report that Keith Richards had snorted his father's remains.
posted by dobbs at 10:34 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can't really parse the concept of "under a volcano," you know? Isn't that like, the mantle or something? Goddamn but 5-year-olds are stupid.
posted by Mister_A at 10:37 AM on January 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Mister_A at 10:37 AM on January 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I hope, that after I die, if my ashes are combined with those of my dogs, then stolen, snorted in lieu of cocaine, and fished out of a retention pond, that the two divers who recover them pose and smile with them.
You have recited word for word my evening prayer, what are the odds?
posted by phirleh at 10:39 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
You have recited word for word my evening prayer, what are the odds?
posted by phirleh at 10:39 AM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
About a year ago there was a report that Keith Richards had snorted his father's remains.
I don't think it was Keith Richards. Wasn't it one of those posh English actors like Anthony Sher or somebody?
I will forgive the fark nature of this post because of the amazing mug shot.
The perp looks like he's nodding in that mug shot. That must have been the dog that the coke was cut with.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:39 AM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't think it was Keith Richards. Wasn't it one of those posh English actors like Anthony Sher or somebody?
I will forgive the fark nature of this post because of the amazing mug shot.
The perp looks like he's nodding in that mug shot. That must have been the dog that the coke was cut with.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:39 AM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
In the second link it states: "snorting the ashes they mistook for cocaine or another drug."
Is there another drug that more closely resembles ashes?
posted by ORthey at 10:40 AM on January 21, 2011
Is there another drug that more closely resembles ashes?
posted by ORthey at 10:40 AM on January 21, 2011
I mean, it is Florida, but do elderly retirees commonly have over a kilo of cocaine in classy boxes lying around the house?
posted by ennui.bz at 10:42 AM on January 21, 2011
posted by ennui.bz at 10:42 AM on January 21, 2011
Have you ever met an investment banker/seen American Psycho?
The ones who have to resort to burgling houses are more like the Curtis Armstrong character from Better Off Dead, which is to say they'll snort anything that can be crammed into a nostril.
posted by Gator at 10:43 AM on January 21, 2011
The ones who have to resort to burgling houses are more like the Curtis Armstrong character from Better Off Dead, which is to say they'll snort anything that can be crammed into a nostril.
posted by Gator at 10:43 AM on January 21, 2011
biochemist: "I could have sworn this happened in a movie.."
Do you mean the ashes scene in Life Stinks with Mel Brooks?
posted by Splunge at 10:46 AM on January 21, 2011
Do you mean the ashes scene in Life Stinks with Mel Brooks?
posted by Splunge at 10:46 AM on January 21, 2011
There is a Cheech and Chong movie where Paul Reubens has Chong short a line of something. Chong asks him what it is and Reubens replies "crushed clam shells." Is that it?
posted by Ad hominem at 10:51 AM on January 21, 2011
posted by Ad hominem at 10:51 AM on January 21, 2011
I clicked through to the Mug Shot Roundup featured on the page, and I'm taken aback by how utterly depressing I found it. So many lost people. I caught myself wondering what had happened for them to get to this point - the gangbangers with the prison/murder tats on their faces and necks, the alcoholics and drug addicts, the abuseds and abusers. I wonder if a single one of those 56 people managed to turn their life around to something resembling happiness.
/derail
posted by widdershins at 10:54 AM on January 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
/derail
posted by widdershins at 10:54 AM on January 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
This news story is like a commercial for Up in Smoke.
Mostly Maui Wowie, man. But it's got some Labrador in it. My dog ate my stash man. Had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it. So I had to follow him around with a little baggy for three days before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind.
Or It's not.. It's not, really, uh.. uh..
posted by phaedon at 10:54 AM on January 21, 2011
Mostly Maui Wowie, man. But it's got some Labrador in it. My dog ate my stash man. Had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it. So I had to follow him around with a little baggy for three days before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind.
Or It's not.. It's not, really, uh.. uh..
posted by phaedon at 10:54 AM on January 21, 2011
Looking at mug shots--"Waldo", AND he's in stripes? I guess we know where Waldo is in this picture!
posted by 6:1 at 11:01 AM on January 21, 2011
posted by 6:1 at 11:01 AM on January 21, 2011
I know that it's mostly confirmation bias that has me asking "why is it ALWAYS Florida?!" every time one of these stories goes national. I mean, I've seen people asking "why is it 'always' Texas" or Arizona or even Minnesota, after all, so people in many places clearly must feel this way.
But then I'm reminded that Florida is the only state/territory that gets a special violent crime shoutout in the Government of Canada's travel advisories for the US (Hawaii? It's got volcanos. Guam? Typhoons. Florida? People who will jack your shit and kill you without provocation) and I just don't can't be sure anymore.
I mean, a person goes in for a little nude alligator wrestling a few times and all of a sudden your home state has a reputation or something.
posted by wreckingball at 11:05 AM on January 21, 2011
But then I'm reminded that Florida is the only state/territory that gets a special violent crime shoutout in the Government of Canada's travel advisories for the US (Hawaii? It's got volcanos. Guam? Typhoons. Florida? People who will jack your shit and kill you without provocation) and I just don't can't be sure anymore.
I mean, a person goes in for a little nude alligator wrestling a few times and all of a sudden your home state has a reputation or something.
posted by wreckingball at 11:05 AM on January 21, 2011
I clicked through to the Mug Shot Roundup featured on the page, and I'm taken aback by how utterly depressing I found it.
I don't usually click on "look at these losers and their mugshots" links, finding them unnecessarily cruel at best, but your comment made me look, and you are so right. The things people get themselves sucked into, probably never even imagining how far they'll fall as a result. They were all little kids once, probably had people who loved them and had hopes for them, probably had their own hopes and "what I wanna be when I grow up" dreams. Sad, sad, sad.
posted by Gator at 11:05 AM on January 21, 2011
I don't usually click on "look at these losers and their mugshots" links, finding them unnecessarily cruel at best, but your comment made me look, and you are so right. The things people get themselves sucked into, probably never even imagining how far they'll fall as a result. They were all little kids once, probably had people who loved them and had hopes for them, probably had their own hopes and "what I wanna be when I grow up" dreams. Sad, sad, sad.
posted by Gator at 11:05 AM on January 21, 2011
And so, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been...
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:12 AM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:12 AM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
holy crap what is wrong with the snorter in the mug shot? he's high on death?
Oh yeah, like you never messed up and snorted a dude. Come on, just take the damn picture already.
posted by Naberius at 11:23 AM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh yeah, like you never messed up and snorted a dude. Come on, just take the damn picture already.
posted by Naberius at 11:23 AM on January 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Wow, and they turned up in a lake called Love Joy and Magic. Perfect.
Re: mugshots, Groucho Marx once said "there is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man"; I guess this doesn't apply to visuals too.
posted by kinnakeet at 11:28 AM on January 21, 2011
Re: mugshots, Groucho Marx once said "there is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man"; I guess this doesn't apply to visuals too.
posted by kinnakeet at 11:28 AM on January 21, 2011
Huh. I just picked up the ashes of my recently departed dog but haven't gotten up the nerve to open the box and look at them. Now I feel the need to see what drug they might resemble, so I will go home and open his urn today. Thanks, Metafilter!
posted by tryniti at 12:32 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by tryniti at 12:32 PM on January 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
> I can't see how this mistake could have possibly been made.
Mistake? Dude. Mix 'em with oregano and nutmeg, and then wrap in a banana peel. You not only have a smokeable mixture that high school dropouts can only dream about while coughing out their lungs, it's also a tasty snack.
posted by ardgedee at 12:43 PM on January 21, 2011
Mistake? Dude. Mix 'em with oregano and nutmeg, and then wrap in a banana peel. You not only have a smokeable mixture that high school dropouts can only dream about while coughing out their lungs, it's also a tasty snack.
posted by ardgedee at 12:43 PM on January 21, 2011
I will forgive the fark nature of this post because of the amazing mug shot.
This was much less fark-y than the crimeblotter post on boing boing yesterday.
posted by dgaicun at 1:12 PM on January 21, 2011
This was much less fark-y than the crimeblotter post on boing boing yesterday.
posted by dgaicun at 1:12 PM on January 21, 2011
Suddenly my wish that my remains be eaten by a bear and then shit over a cliff seems pretty pedestrian, on reflection.
posted by Danf at 1:17 PM on January 21, 2011
posted by Danf at 1:17 PM on January 21, 2011
I could have sworn this happened in a movie...
Tackle Box [IMDB], a short film from 2004.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 3:10 PM on January 21, 2011
Tackle Box [IMDB], a short film from 2004.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 3:10 PM on January 21, 2011
Recently I commented on this very thing in a different thread, but it works even better here so I'll repeat it (from Night Court):
Art The Repair Man: Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.
Harry: Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!
[cut to Dan Fielding just having drained a cup]
posted by bwg at 3:30 PM on January 21, 2011
Art The Repair Man: Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.
Harry: Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!
[cut to Dan Fielding just having drained a cup]
posted by bwg at 3:30 PM on January 21, 2011
We did the same thing with my wife's ashes; the combining of hers with her one and only dogs, not the other part. I can only imagine the rage I would feel.
posted by Jaymzifer at 5:07 PM on January 21, 2011
posted by Jaymzifer at 5:07 PM on January 21, 2011
I clicked through to the Mug Shot Roundup featured on the page, and I'm taken aback by how utterly depressing I found it.
Have you seen "Busted"?
posted by iamck at 7:15 PM on January 21, 2011
Have you seen "Busted"?
posted by iamck at 7:15 PM on January 21, 2011
I clicked through to the Mug Shot Roundup featured on the page, and I'm taken aback by how utterly depressing I found it.
Yeah, it made me glad that my local paper doesn't have any Look at These Fuckups! photo feature. And why is a photo of a woman with a puffy eye one of "the strangest and most notorious booking photos"? I guess it makes the people who look at them feel good about themselves for having less screwed up lives.
posted by oneirodynia at 8:18 PM on January 21, 2011
Yeah, it made me glad that my local paper doesn't have any Look at These Fuckups! photo feature. And why is a photo of a woman with a puffy eye one of "the strangest and most notorious booking photos"? I guess it makes the people who look at them feel good about themselves for having less screwed up lives.
posted by oneirodynia at 8:18 PM on January 21, 2011
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posted by ORthey at 10:22 AM on January 21, 2011