"the entry level hug"

November 12, 2022 7:24 AM

"These are the hugs I miss" by Linda McIver: "One person can give many different hugs, but hugs between the same two people tend to develop a distinctive character over time."
posted by brainwane (9 comments total)

To which I can only say, "smuffles" - that's what my daughter calls them. When tiny, she'd be in a sling on my chest, quietly chuckling at the chatter and antics of her older brother who'd be on my shoulders, one minute steering me by the ears, the next diving backwards as I clung for dear life to his legs, my balance and his sister. Maybe it dates from then, safe and warm, snoozing on Dad's tum but does she love her smuffles even at 33! It's a sort of slumped hug, she sighs "Dad" half amused and ironic, half relieved and happy to be back in touch (we live in different countries and she's not a great texter/messenger/whatsapper) and collapses on my chest and stays there, settles down there, moves in and seems intent on growing there..... a bit like sloths...haha.. only much, much nicer. I love 'em. I love her.
posted by dutchrick at 7:45 AM on November 12, 2022 [9 favorites]

A slight various what the author calls a FaL hug, I'm a dedicated practitioner of hugs that last until the relaxation response happens. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shouldstorm/202006/science-discovers-the-perfect-formula-hugging
posted by danjo at 8:12 AM on November 12, 2022 [1 favorite]

My mother is a wonderful woman in many ways, but she’s not a high touch person. We got hugs and kisses, but as we got older, not as much (it was a big family and she breastfed nearly continuously for ten years; I don’t blame her for this at all.) But she does have two special kinds of hugs! One is the sickness diagnostic hug. If one of us said we weren’t feeling well, she’d swoop in for a hug - not to comfort us, but to press her neck against ours to check our temperature. I’m in my late 30s and she still does it. It’s become very comforting in its own way.

The other hug is just mine and hers. At some point she read an article that said that we should align our hearts when we hug - a heart-to-heart hug. It isn’t our everyday hug, but sometimes midway through a hug one of us will say “heart-to-heart” and we’ll switch our arms so our hearts are in line.

Man, my mom is great.
posted by punchtothehead at 9:43 AM on November 12, 2022 [5 favorites]

Also, great post, brainwane! I could read about people’s favorite hugs all day.
posted by punchtothehead at 9:48 AM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

hugs that last until the relaxation response happens

Experimenting with hug duration, especially for "serious" hugs, I started counting out in my head to 30 seconds. Turns out half a minute is a really long time. There could be a relaxation in there, but what I was getting was "um, what are you doing?" going to "OK, I give in", and then a more personally expressive aspect -- clingy, warm, strong, comforting, etc.
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:09 AM on November 12, 2022 [1 favorite]

Mere minutes ago I bumped into the love of my young life. I hadn’t seen her in more than five years and it’s sometime in the last century we last shared a pillow, but we have always been on good terms. After ten minutes of chat, we both had to go about our respective days. She reached up to embrace me and I warned her, “Okay, I’m going to hug you till it gets weird, you know.”

She said, “I know, of course.” And then we stood locked in an embrace for a minute or more. It was as good as ever.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:16 AM on November 12, 2022 [10 favorites]

Some people just feel like home, you know?
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:56 AM on November 12, 2022 [3 favorites]

I'm notorious for doing FaL hugs. Frankly, part of why I thought the crush liked me back for so long was that he did them with me too (not everyone else).

Now that he's switched to the TaC, well.... yeah, that's why I'm not around him any more.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:04 PM on November 12, 2022

I have a friend who is a FaL hugger, and it's so wonderful. Every time we see each other, which isn't so often anymore -- we were college roommates and now live in different states -- I know I have a couple-three of those amazing hugs to look forward to. It's where being hugged transitions to being held, you know? She hugs everybody like that, but I also know that that hug is somehow just for me.

I also have another friend who I have known for 15 years now, and whom I nearly also shared an apartment, and her standard is a side-hug. She gave me a side-hug on my wedding day. We love and care about each other a lot! But touch just works differently for everyone.

I have a lot of favorite hugs but more than anything I really like learning what somebody's own hug preferences are, and meeting them there. Like dancing or doing an improv scene with someone. It's something the two of you make, subconsciously, together.
posted by penduluum at 5:06 PM on November 12, 2022 [1 favorite]