I think it might be news time, now.

February 18, 2011 9:48 AM

Two delightful minutes in which Australian morning TV presenters discuss their preferred home defense weaponry.
posted by BeerFilter (57 comments total)

Not at all what I expected. Now to go clean my pants.
posted by Seamus at 9:58 AM on February 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

Pogo sticks fly off the shelf
posted by clavdivs at 9:58 AM on February 18, 2011

So... guns just compensating for being insuffiently long and stabby? Do I have that right?
posted by bonehead at 10:00 AM on February 18, 2011 [6 favorites]

So is an "Olympic Torch" a brand of -- type, I should say -- a type of... ah...
posted by boo_radley at 10:07 AM on February 18, 2011

So is an "Olympic Torch" a brand of

Flashlight.
posted by dobbs at 10:09 AM on February 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

Also a blast from the past for those who like bludgeony crushy things.
posted by boo_radley at 10:10 AM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

dobbs: "Flashlight"

Right, yes, yes. That's what I was thinking, couldn't remember what they were called in Australia.
posted by boo_radley at 10:11 AM on February 18, 2011 [3 favorites]

OK, that was awesome.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:14 AM on February 18, 2011

"I'd want to be standing back and whacking them off"
posted by paisley henosis at 10:14 AM on February 18, 2011 [3 favorites]

"So is an "Olympic Torch" a brand of Flashlight."

That makes me so sad. My neighbor had THE Olympic torch, and kept it by his bed for protection. I always thought it was rather bad ass to wield an Olympic torch as a weapon, and was really excited about finding out my neighbors antics were a trend. "I always imagined him saying something around the lines of "BY the power of the games I smite you!"

But alas, my neighbor was unique.
posted by Felex at 10:16 AM on February 18, 2011 [5 favorites]

Oh, those goofy foreigners and their 14th century solutions to home defense...

I can sleep easy at night*, now that I've mounted a rotating multiple gun platform with motion sensors on my Roomba. Not only will it defend your home, it'll clean up afterward!

* In the sense that taking a bunch of tranquilizers so that I don't sleepwalk, and now am a prisoner on the second floor of my house because I have a haunting suspicion I may have forgot to program the Roomba that I'm not a burglar. It's kind of a one-chance process to debug something like that now. Maybe those 5-year very radioactive RTG batteries I got from a NASA Voyager surplus sale was not really the upgrade I was really needing, either. I'm sure the next pizza delivery guy will give me enough time to get out. Either this invention is too good, or maybe delivery guys just don't have the quick reflexes and reaction times like they used to.
posted by chambers at 10:31 AM on February 18, 2011 [7 favorites]

That blonde woman just OWNS her double entendre. No shame in her game. Awesome.
posted by jnnla at 10:32 AM on February 18, 2011 [19 favorites]

Dingos. Dingos will work. Mostly because they are call dingos.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 10:32 AM on February 18, 2011

"My husband's useless. Sleeps through any strange disturbances..."

Wow. After "Tim's my long stabby thing" that's just not right.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 10:34 AM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

Well, Tim is my long stabby thing now. . .
posted by Think_Long at 10:35 AM on February 18, 2011

Dingos. Dingos will work. Mostly because they are call dingos.

Regrettably not suitable for protecting babies though.
posted by atrazine at 10:36 AM on February 18, 2011 [8 favorites]

Down under, indeed.
posted by bayani at 10:39 AM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

Chambers, pizza deliverators used to be elite. Nowadays any old mobile, automated, gun platform will take one out.
posted by Tashtego at 10:42 AM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

Nowadays any old mobile, automated, gun platform will take one out.

You're probably right. I heard even Cory Doctorow's steampunk security units (part of the lesser known defense research department of MAKE magazine) were too challenging for most delivery folk, and I hear it took out a few singing telegram guys, and those guys are fast.
posted by chambers at 11:06 AM on February 18, 2011

For me, the moment that made it is when both men got up and left at the same moment. "We're just going for a little walk."
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:15 AM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

I prefer to stab intruders with my AK-47. Shit hurts!
posted by Brocktoon at 11:34 AM on February 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yeah, the blonde woman owns it. "Yeah, Lisa knows what I'm talkin' about." *nod*
posted by DU at 11:43 AM on February 18, 2011

Good job on the tags for this post!
posted by jzed at 11:56 AM on February 18, 2011

I laughed so hard my stabby thing leaked a bit.
posted by Splunge at 12:26 PM on February 18, 2011 [3 favorites]

I did not think the word 'delightful' was going to be accurate but then I was wrong.
posted by damehex at 12:42 PM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm not a gun nut but as a Yank in Australia I'm puzzled by how little personal protection we're allowed. Even MACE and Tasers are illegal! I used to carry an empty bottle with me when I walked home alone but I've slowly got used to being defenseless. When I bring this up people call me paranoid!
There are lots of strong, scary people in Aus... bit weird that they're the only ones allowed to defend themselves
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 12:54 PM on February 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

That blonde woman just OWNS her double entendre. No shame in her game. Awesome.


Aussies are like that. Their humor is up to about the 70s in American terms. They still have variety shows
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 12:56 PM on February 18, 2011

Have I mentioned my Zulu spear? Oh yes, it appears that I have.

*lurks in the dark... waiting.*
posted by quin at 1:06 PM on February 18, 2011 [4 favorites]

Was this ALL about the fact that a script was not ready in time?
posted by randomkeystrike at 1:41 PM on February 18, 2011

*shoots quin with a .577 Martini Henry after seeing the whites of his eyes*
posted by longbaugh at 1:51 PM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

the blonde anchorwoman totally pwns them but that brunette lady freaks me the hell out with her facewide michelle-bachmann-out-delightfuling-sarah-palinesque smile :D
posted by liza at 1:54 PM on February 18, 2011

THAT was the perfect way to wake up to my Saturday... Thank you Metafilter!

That blonde woman just OWNS her double entendre. No shame in her game. Awesome.

Methinks the women have no inkling of the aura of smut that has surrounded them. Just... no idea at all!
posted by Alice Russel-Wallace at 2:02 PM on February 18, 2011

as a Yank in Australia I'm puzzled by how little personal protection we're allowed. Even MACE and Tasers are illegal!

and yet there's not an elevated rate of assaults or other crimes where you might think that kind of weapon would be a deterrent... how does that work?
posted by russm at 2:06 PM on February 18, 2011 [5 favorites]

I'm just amazed that Karl Stefanovic used the word "apropos" at 6:30 in the morning.
posted by robotot at 2:40 PM on February 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

Methinks the women have no inkling of the aura of smut that has surrounded them.

I don't watch the Today Show but I'm 90% sure that this is not the case. They're playing a game of innuendo chicken, each slightly horrified at the way the conversation is going but unwilling to be the first to flinch like the weak men did. God knows what would have happened if the scripts had taken another minute.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 3:55 PM on February 18, 2011 [5 favorites]

Before I clicked on the link i WAS 99% sure that it would involve Karl Stefanovic. I hope Nine is paying him millions because he is the only thing that makes breakfast tv remotely watchable. I luf him.
posted by Wantok at 4:18 PM on February 18, 2011

and yet there's not an elevated rate of assaults or other crimes where you might think that kind of weapon would be a deterrent... how does that work?


I honestly don't know. But I think banning even non lethal weapons goes a bit far
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:57 PM on February 18, 2011

Aussies are like that. Their humor is up to about the 70s in American terms. They still have variety shows

no, that's only the jokes that aren't going over your head
posted by compound eye at 5:06 PM on February 18, 2011 [3 favorites]

I'm just amazed that Karl Stefanovic used the word "apropos" at 6:30 in the morning.

You can say anything on Australian TV at 6:30AM
posted by the noob at 5:13 PM on February 18, 2011

Good to see the first use of the longstabbything tag. Hopefully not the last.
posted by Ahab at 5:32 PM on February 18, 2011

I've watched this three times now. It makes me happy
posted by mumimor at 5:34 PM on February 18, 2011

And in other "Australians talk about penises using euphemisms on television" news...
posted by crossoverman at 5:42 PM on February 18, 2011

"no, that's only the jokes that aren't going over your head"

"That doesn't explain the variety shows."

To be fair, on Australian TV they're a cyclical thing* - every dozen years or so some executive or producer thinks "hey, we haven't seen a variety/sketch comedy/chat show on TV for a while, they're always popular in the US, let's do one again - it'll be great!". Australian media innovation being what it is, pretty soon every commercial channel has one, they slowly die out, and the dinosaurs are left to sleep until the next cycle begins.

It's not like the US, where you can trace an almost unbroken lineage of 60+ years from Ed Sullivan through to Letterman and Leno…

^{(* OK, so "Hey Hey" is the exception that proved the rule - but you've got to remember that for half its life it was a very Melbourne thing, and those folks are a bit odd…)}
posted by Pinback at 6:31 PM on February 18, 2011

I honestly don't know. But I think banning even non lethal weapons goes a bit far

I like it. If anyone is threatening you, you can just move away from them (or pick from a range of other options) and there's nothing they can do about it - because you know they're not carrying.

But I think you'll find that one of the big reasons is that the police don't want to have to always resort to guns like they do in the USA. When the bad guys are pretty much always defenseless, the police can just wade in and detain them in person, rather than have to kill people. The cops are way more badass because they're used to taking care of things directly and effectively when US cops would instead just kill from a distance.

(One interesting example was when a guy went on a rampage in a tank. It's happened in both countries, and police faced they same problem - they had nothing that could stop, slow, or harm the tank. In the USA they managed to kill him, in Aus they managed to arrest him. Mad props for that.)

This is a derail, so I'm not going to argue the positions, mainly pointing out that preferences regarding policing has a lot to do with it.
posted by -harlequin- at 7:44 PM on February 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

(One interesting example was when a guy went on a rampage in a tank. It's happened in both countries, and police faced they same problem - they had nothing that could stop, slow, or harm the tank. In the USA they managed to kill him, in Aus they managed to arrest him. Mad props for that.)

Happens all the time here.

I was heading off for an early surf the day the APC was nicked from Karrakatta (it's an army base, why not leave the keys in?). Driving west up to parliament on one of the freeway overpasses, I looked across to the other and there's a bloody phalanx of police cars heading east down the hill. Dozens of them. Lights, sirens, men in blue gesticulating wildly out the windows. I slow right down to watch. Shortly after comes a very slow and wobbly tank. Then another phalanx of police cars. More lights, sirens, wildly waving coppers.

IIRC correctly the bloke took it into town, rammed the central courts complex a few times, then went and bashed it into the East Perth police station. Where the TRG jumped on top, lobbed a tear gas grenade into an air vent, and waited for him to come out and say sorry.

That said, the rumor at the time was that the governor did authorize the use of a tank to take him down if the police couldn't.

Good surf that day.
posted by Ahab at 8:24 PM on February 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

The reason things keep getting stolen from army bases is because the guards don't carry guns
I'm not kidding
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 8:45 PM on February 18, 2011

There are criminals out there with guns in Australia, but they tend to be gangs and bikies who target each other, rather than your average mugger or small-time crook. I've had a few incidents with dudes trying to steal my purse or break into my house (I live in a nicer area now), and have never been threatened with a gun.

I took a self-defence course a few years ago, and the instructor (who always taught us that our first defensive action should be to run away screaming if at all possible) recommended that we carry pepper spray even though it's illegal. His theory was that if you were in a situation where you were being attacked with a reasonable assumption of murder or rape, no court would give you more than a slap on the wrist for a quick burst of pepper spray. I've got some that I keep by the bed instead of a long, stabby thing.

My dad's weapon of choice was a cricket bat. He once chased off some car thieves in his underwear by running out waving the bat around, but I think it was his blood-curdling screams (he called it a 'war cry') that did the trick. He's only just over 5 foot and scrawny, but the two guys didn't hang around long enough to find out.
posted by harriet vane at 12:18 AM on February 19, 2011

Oh good grief - my dad was in his underwear, not the car thieves.
posted by harriet vane at 12:20 AM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]

My dad kept an axe under the bed. Yes.

There was a creep running around the Eastern Suburbs a while ago grabbing women at night, and I worked hospitality so I was often out and about after midnight. Once he tried to force someone into a car outside my train station, only ten minutes after I'd arrived home. Reading about this in the Herald, I realised I needed an Action Plan in case of Random Perv Attack.

I opted for a small can of hairspray. It isn't mace, but anyone who's ever tried to style an updo in a confined space knows that it's not at all pleasant to inhale. Between that, the car-keys-between-each-knuckle and a small knife in my bag, I was ready for the night-stalker action which, of course, never materialized. (It all felt very Nancy Drew to me at the time. I am...not smart, sometimes.)
posted by jaynewould at 3:01 AM on February 19, 2011

"But alas, my neighbor was unique."

Not so much. Many people who participated in the 2000 torch relay got to keep theirs, I lived in a house with one for years.

These women absolutely know what's going on, deadpan is a dying art.
posted by goo at 5:58 AM on February 19, 2011

I opted for a small can of hairspray.

... O_o

That's a brilliant idea!

Taking to the next level, mini-can of pressurized hairspray quickly reachable by your strong hand. Reliable Bic disposable lighter (or even better, one of those disposable "jet" butane lighters that have a quartz pico igniter; refillables leak butane too quickly to be reliable) in a pocket reachable by your weak hand.

Practice getting the lighter to light with your weak hand. Practice quickdraw of mini-hairspray.

Pocket blowtorch.
posted by porpoise at 7:39 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

The reason things keep getting stolen from army bases is because the guards don't carry guns
I'm not kidding

but are you trolling?

I'm pretty sure that the guards when I've visited defence sites have carried a sidearm (then again, that's defence science not army, so perhaps the army is just slack that way). And even so, are you saying that small arms will stop someone who has stolen an armoured vehicle? huh?

(well I guess it would be hard to drive an APC if you had tiny little T-Rex arms... heh...)
posted by russm at 7:54 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Pocket blowtorch.

I used to do this with spray oil, until my boyfriend told me that if you stop spraying the oil while the lighter is still lit the flame will get sucked back into the can and it will explode. I have no idea if that's true, nor any desire to find out.
posted by jaynewould at 9:22 PM on February 19, 2011

I'm pretty sure that the guards when I've visited defence sites have carried a sidearm

I think that's just the difference between a "defence site", which is probably full of military intelligence and important technical stuff, and an army base, which just has soldiers and tanks and things that would be of little interest to spies or terrorists although possibly of great interest to someone keen on joyriding an APC around the city. Defence sites would be guarded by the AFP or special security guards; soldiers aren't trained to guard bases in the middle of civilian areas. Apparently there is a push to arm military base guards, though.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 5:10 AM on February 20, 2011

quin: "Have I mentioned my Zulu spear? Oh yes, it appears that I have.

*lurks in the dark... waiting."

Meh. I just got this today. Annihilator.
posted by Splunge at 5:30 PM on February 20, 2011

if you stop spraying the oil while the lighter is still lit

I dunno, sounds like something "dad" would make up to get little Johnny to stop wasting his WD-40. Can's of WD-40 doesn't just grow on trees, don't you know.

When I was setting fire to WD-40, I'd stop it going "FWOOSH!" by releasing the spray trigger. When scaring people at the lab with a lighter and a spray bottle of 70% ethanol, the flame stops when the fuel stops at the end of a trigger pull.

Without fuel, how'd the fire travel backwards to the source? I could see if the flow rate was slow enough, there might be some back propagation but the can would be under constant pressure (unless the internal pressure just got depleted), but once you got the the nozzle, there's no more air (oxygen) and... no fire. With the volumes involved, I can't see how there could be enough generated heat to cause catastrophic expansion of gas/liquid inside the can, and even then, given the pressure-depleted scenario, it takes a reasonable amount of heat/time for the remaining contents to reach catastrophic pressure. A depleted ~150ml can of butane, set over a naptha-fueled flame (fire area = butane container cross-section) takes about 20-30 seconds for the (mostly) empty butane can to pop it's top (and propel the can, intact, some tens to a hundred-ish meters. Never found the top, though).

/beanplate
posted by porpoise at 7:12 PM on February 20, 2011

Well, I can honestly say that I would like to use a long stabby thing on those people. I did enjoy that they just walked away, secure in the knowledge that nobody was watching.

Anyone trying to sneak into my house at night is going to trip on a discarded shoe, fall, and smash his fool head open on the corner of a coffee table. My disorganisation is its own security system.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:39 PM on February 21, 2011