Charlie Sheen is not filial.

March 8, 2011 10:52 AM

The Global Times gives us the Chinese Communist Party's take on the Charlie Sheen saga

Previously: Protect Chinese virtue from microbloggers

posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 (60 comments total)

Google cache in case this goes down the memory hole
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:53 AM on March 8, 2011

Martin Sheen should at once go on television and tearfully apologize on behalf of his son for his inability to keep up appearances and keep his mouth shut.

Nah, Jon Voight has that gig sewn up.
posted by Joe Beese at 10:54 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sufficiently advanced satire is indistinguishable from cultural propoganda?
posted by steveminutillo at 10:58 AM on March 8, 2011 [13 favorites]

He ignored his own father's advice to keep quiet, who was once the president of the US.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:58 AM on March 8, 2011 [29 favorites]

instead of epic parties at his home with porn stars, why not keep Sheen occupied with business banquets?

Top suggestion, I'm sure he'll wonder why he didn't think of it himself.
posted by Dragonness at 10:59 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

In misplaced fairness to the Chinese press, this is clearly labeled as an opinion column.
posted by theodolite at 10:59 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is drinking tiger blood a Chinese thing?
posted by Joe Beese at 11:00 AM on March 8, 2011

Oh that's good. Cause I was wondering.
posted by rusty at 11:02 AM on March 8, 2011

Does anyone know what a KTV parlor is?
posted by Daddy-O at 11:02 AM on March 8, 2011

Please tell me that the Global Times is like a Chinese version of The Onion.

Please.
posted by Avenger at 11:03 AM on March 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

KTV = Karaoke. At some Karaoke places, food, drinks and girls are on the menu.
posted by steveminutillo at 11:05 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've installed this plugin to make the Sheen-a-thon more bearable.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:05 AM on March 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't think that was the view of the Chinese Communist Party, as it was more, or at least seamed to me, British, what with that "Keeping Up Appearances" line. I don't know much, but I am pretty sure the British are the ones who "Keep Up Appearances", they even had a show about it twenty years ago. And from what I noticed, the Chinese are more likely to publicly act like Charlie has, only just flat out deny it like W. Not "Keep Up Appearances".
posted by QueerAngel28 at 11:05 AM on March 8, 2011

*by Chinese, I mean Men in Government-Leadership
posted by QueerAngel28 at 11:06 AM on March 8, 2011

"Sheen goes on television and boasts that he has two girlfriends, who both sleep in the same bedroom. Is he too poor to set up his wives and mistresses in different houses?"
posted by Pseudoephedrine at 11:06 AM on March 8, 2011 [11 favorites]

Ah-ha! The thread just got good!
posted by Mister_A at 11:06 AM on March 8, 2011

Oh nevermind. Stupid preview button.
posted by Mister_A at 11:07 AM on March 8, 2011

Why not take a tip from the Chinese business community, and make visits to a KTV parlor part of Sheen's workday?

A quick search shows a strong association between "ktv parlors" and "escorts". I'm fairly sure CBS would be happy to sponsor such company sponsored outings.
posted by rh at 11:08 AM on March 8, 2011

And when I get excited
My little China Girl says
Oh baby just you shut your mouth
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:09 AM on March 8, 2011 [9 favorites]

Sheen attracted 1 million Twitter followers in just 24 hours, yet more evidence that microblogs spread the most unhealthy contagions in society like a disease.

Heh.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:09 AM on March 8, 2011

This is an unexpected dessert to last week's main course of Charlie Rose grilling Amy Chua.
posted by anigbrowl at 11:09 AM on March 8, 2011

"It is almost as if he feels no shame and is loving the attention."

Almost?
posted by fogovonslack at 11:12 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

No respect for tradition or parents? So you're saying Charlie Sheen is our Chairman Mao?
posted by zippy at 11:13 AM on March 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

If all just ignore Mr. Sheen, he'll go away, and maybe even get the help he needs.
posted by patcii at 11:15 AM on March 8, 2011

He ignored his own father's advice to keep quiet, who was once the president of the US.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 11:17 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

I don't care if he gets the help he needs, I'd prefer if he gets the jail time a poor non-white drug user gets, but that's obviously impossible.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:19 AM on March 8, 2011

Well, if he won't listen to his dad, it's time for Josh to step in. He was always the administration's enforcer.
posted by spaltavian at 11:20 AM on March 8, 2011

I don't care if he gets the help he needs, I'd prefer if he gets the jail time a poor non-white drug user gets

Wait, you wouldn't hope that both of them get the help they need?
posted by spaltavian at 11:21 AM on March 8, 2011 [7 favorites]

And instead of epic parties at his home with porn stars, why not keep Sheen occupied with business banquets?

Or better yet, some freaky yet socially acceptable amalgamation of the two?
posted by vverse23 at 11:22 AM on March 8, 2011

I don't care if he gets the help he needs, I'd prefer if he gets the jail time a poor non-white drug user gets, but that's obviously impossible.

I think the better idea is that no-one goes to jail for addiction.
posted by docgonzo at 11:22 AM on March 8, 2011 [9 favorites]

dear china,

it is an american tradition to burn out brightly, loudly and publicly - i'll admit it does no good for the people who do it, is often annoying to hear about and cheapens our culture somewhat - but on the other hand, it teaches us the great values of cynicism and disbelief in our so-called cultural icons and gives the common people reason to believe that the rich and famous can be every bit as miserable and screwed up as they are

beside, an unruly nation like ours could hardly be satisfied with celebrities who behaved themselves in public

sincerely

usa
posted by pyramid termite at 11:23 AM on March 8, 2011 [12 favorites]

lolchina?
posted by jeffburdges at 11:23 AM on March 8, 2011

I just hope that one day we can hear Mr. Sheen's side of this story.
posted by PlusDistance at 11:25 AM on March 8, 2011 [9 favorites]

Craig Ferguson on Charlie Sheen.
posted by kmz at 11:26 AM on March 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

If all just ignore Mr. Sheen, he'll go away, and maybe even get the help he needs.

OR...

He and the goddesses will board a platinum starcraft powered by Adonis juice and blast off for Planet WINNING.
posted by Joe Beese at 11:30 AM on March 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

If all just ignore Mr. Sheen, he'll go away, and maybe even get the help he needs.

I love this idea. It's like, hey, dude, you're right! The famous actor with the substance abuse and impulse control problems is just looking for attention! It's like that kid in class acting out, if that kid in class somehow had a way to effortlessly attract the attention of the world's tabloid press spotlight! By virtue of being the son of a famous actor and also being an enormously famous actor with an almost lifelong relationship with the tabloid spotlight already in place!

Shoot, should've thought of this sooner. I'll just hit the power button on my Global Mass Mind Control Machine, tune in the Celebritard Tabloid-o-Rama Frequency, give it a good zap using the same charge the Men in Black use to erase memories of alien encounter, then call up my assistant at Hollywood Inc. and dictate a scrip for the Self-Abuse Antidote and get him to administer the injection to Charlie, and then we can all go back to discussing how exactly Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics should be incorporated into our foreign policy response to the Libyan uprising.

(Sorry, patcii, don't mean to be so harsh to you specifically. But this whole "ignore it and it'll go away" meme pops up all too often in threads like this . . .)
posted by gompa at 11:31 AM on March 8, 2011

Please tell me that the Global Times is like a Chinese version of The Onion.

The Chinese version of The Onion is The Onion.

teaches us the great values of cynicism and disbelief in our so-called cultural icons

Those values not so great in China.
posted by clarknova at 11:36 AM on March 8, 2011

If all just ignore Mr. Sheen, he'll go away, and maybe even get the help he needs.

I've been ignoring Charlie Sheen and 'Two and a Half Men' for a decade now and look where it's got me.
posted by mazola at 11:39 AM on March 8, 2011 [8 favorites]

jeffburdges: lolchina?

This isn't Engrish, it's it's more or less a mouthpiece for the Chinese Communist Party. It's more LOLPropaghanda.

His employers are unhappy that he was distracted with prostitutes and drugs, and didn't show up to work on time. Why not take a tip from the Chinese business community, and make visits to a KTV parlor part of Sheen's workday?

Picuture and description of a KTV parlor - so it's better to visit a "lady-friend" in a proper location?

Sheen goes on television and boasts that he has two girlfriends, who both sleep in the same bedroom. Is he too poor to set up his wives and mistresses in different houses?

Oh, you keep them in proper housing situations, I see.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:39 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Racism, spousal abuse, addiction, politics, mental illness, boasting about mistresses, - these are all subjects best dealt with behind closed doors.

Yes, all of those things go so well behind closed doors.
posted by LMGM at 11:43 AM on March 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

Is he too poor to set up his wives and mistresses in different houses?

See, that's what the rant is really all about -- every mistress needs her own house...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 11:49 AM on March 8, 2011

It is important that young women are not distracted by dating, until, of course, they graduate. Then they should listen to their parents' advice and marry immediately.

Read between the lines, people.
posted by topynate at 11:52 AM on March 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

If this is official propaganda, then I think someone is getting sent to a May 7 farm.

Also:

To stop Charlie Sheen, 1-2-3
Here's a fresh new way that's trouble-free
It's got Paul Anka's guarantee
(Guarantee void in Tennessee)
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:55 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sheen goes on television and boasts that he has two girlfriends, who both sleep in the same bedroom. Is he too poor to set up his wives and mistresses in different houses?

I think they are kinda missing the point of having two girlfriends who sleep in the same bedroom...
posted by Jimbob at 12:00 PM on March 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

From topynate's link: "The kind of emphasis on large breasts implicit in the fake iPhone contest spreads a certain model of hegemony that benefits the West, and does little to flatter the special, delicate Chinese characteristics of our women.

[...]

For all of these reasons - protecting women from coercion, upholding public morality, saving young people from distraction, and saving face about the proportions of Chinese women's body shape - microblogs should be shut down immediately and for good.

Future contests along these lines should be supervised by officials, and require women to hold an iPhone between their comparatively well-proportioned thighs, rather than between cleavage that may or may not be deep enough for the job. This way, China will win in the long run, and the Chinese people will stay focused on what we say is important."

OK, there's no way this isn't supposed to be satire.
posted by steveminutillo at 12:09 PM on March 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

Clearly this is brilliant satire. The question is whether the editors and bosses realise that it is satire. It's a surprising thing to find in such an official organ.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 12:15 PM on March 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

I can only hope that someday my family, coworkers, or the authorities make sure visits to a KTV parlor are part of my workday.
posted by digsrus at 12:31 PM on March 8, 2011

*phone rings* Oh hello Violet! *to guest* It's my porn star mistress Violet, dear. The one with the Mercedes, a penchant for foursomes, and room for a pony. *to phone* Yes of course, Violet, so good to hear from you! *to guest* Hand me my porcelain crackpipe, would you dear? No, not that one, the Royal Doulton with the handpainted periwinkle.
posted by infinitewindow at 12:47 PM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

His employers are unhappy that he was distracted with prostitutes and drugs, and didn't show up to work on time. Why not take a tip from the Chinese business community, and make visits to a KTV parlor part of Sheen's workday?

As much as Sheen has lived a life most Chinese men can only fantasize about, our admiration of him can only go so far. He has not only lost face with his public rants, but also crossed a cultural barrier no Chinese can abide.

This guy sounds a little jealous. Also, the "protect Chinese virtue from microbloggers" was written by the same guy:

The kind of emphasis on large breasts implicit in the fake iPhone contest spreads a certain model of hegemony that benefits the West, and does little to flatter the special, delicate Chinese characteristics of our women.

It's just a few steps from a fake contest like this to a call for American-style "Mardi Gras" events, with women wantonly flashing their breasts for all to see in exchange for some cheap beads.

This can only lead to shanzhai (copycat) versions of the American Girls Gone Wild series, such as Spring Festival Gala Gone Wild or Gaokao Gone Wild.

For someone who's concerned about the corrupting influence of western culture, he seems to know a lot about it.

For all of these reasons - protecting women from coercion, upholding public morality, saving young people from distraction, and saving face about the proportions of Chinese women's body shape - microblogs should be shut down immediately and for good.

Future contests along these lines should be supervised by officials, and require women to hold an iPhone between their comparatively well-proportioned thighs, rather than between cleavage that may or may not be deep enough for the job. This way, China will win in the long run, and the Chinese people will stay focused on what we say is important.

Yeah, I think this may be subtle satire.
posted by delmoi at 12:47 PM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Spring Festival Gala Gone Wild

Now I can't unthink it.
posted by klue at 12:59 PM on March 8, 2011

China: Charlie Sheen, a randy bachelor in Two and a Half Men.
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 1:05 PM on March 8, 2011

They really, really REALLY don't like microblogs, do they?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:52 PM on March 8, 2011

He ignored his own father's advice to keep quiet, who was once the president of the US.

I know this is the third time this has been quoted here... but DAMN. DAMN DAMN DAMN. REALLY?
posted by kdar at 3:25 PM on March 8, 2011

Martin Sheen should at once go on television and tearfully apologize on behalf of his son for his inability to keep up appearances and keep his mouth shut.

他爸不是李刚
posted by sour cream at 4:01 PM on March 8, 2011

This article has to be satire, or at least biting humour. I have no cultural familiarity with China at all, can someone who does comment? Surely the line about a different house for each mistress is a zinger. And I can't imagine any edited newspaper getting confused about Martin Sheen being president, although it falls flat on my American ears as a joke. Does it lose something in interpretation?
posted by Nelson at 4:07 PM on March 8, 2011

I don't think that was the view of the Chinese Communist Party, as it was more, or at least seamed to me, British, what with that "Keeping Up Appearances" line.

Any British-isms will almost certainly be because the sub-editor is a UK ex-pat, with the pre-polished turd squeezed out by a local peer of Phil Space, 'journalist' extraordinaire.
Some years ago, I wrote an opinion column for a state-backed rag here; lasted for all of three issues, as my clever attempts to say something mildly subversive while staying in-bounds of what you can get printed (擦边球 as the table tennis metaphor has it) weren't nearly clever enough.
posted by Abiezer at 4:24 PM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Burhanistan - I should have RTFA before commenting, rather than giving it a quick skim. I think Shanghaiist is right and it's satire by an ex-pat, having actually read the whole thing now (they're also right about the pseudonym I think). The mentions of Edison Chen (HK sex scandal) and Li Gang (local official whose son tried to use his name to get away with killing someone in a traffic accident), the cracks about business banquets and karaoke parlours and the general hyperbole seal it.
You do get some absolute drivel op-eds in both Chinese-language and non-Chinese media though, I suppose because there are only a few areas where people can actually speak their mind in the press - obviously, in person you get plenty of sharp analysis that will sadly never get published (and lots of satire in online commenting). Even the better quality writing out there is hamstrung by the confines of censorship, at minimum in that there are certain systemic causes of many of the most prominent social issues here that it's nt really possible to meaningfully address in a public forum.
posted by Abiezer at 5:05 PM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

The attitude towards celebrities in Japan is much the same as in China (and Korea). All celebs must toe the line of respectability, and if you cross that line, you're toast. One recent example is Noriko Sakai, or NORI-P, an actress and singer who, incidentally, was wildly popular in Taiwan and China. She and her hubby, it turned out, had a problem with meth. She was arrested, booked with felony possession, and--long story short--her career was terminated. She was in numerous TV commercials (a high-water mark for a Japanese celebrity), all of which dropped her immediately. Her record label dropped her. Her TV agents dropped her. It's been a few years and she is still living in quasi-seclusion, certainly not on TV in any way. Apparently she's enrolled in an art college in rural Japan.

The difference between Japan and the U.S. is this: if she were in America and had followed this path, in America, she could bounce back. She could have a second chance. Especially since it's been a few years, I think Americans would see her coming back, making a comeback, as a good thing. A positive thing. The American sensibility is that you can recreate yourself, reinvent yourself, pick yourself up by your bootstraps. In Japan (and other East Asian countries), you just simply can't do this. The shame doesn't wash off--probably ever. Maybe once in a generation can a celebrity regenerate all that goodwill again. Sakai was wildly popular, but even so, it's highly unlikely she'll make a return.
posted by zardoz at 7:47 PM on March 8, 2011

Zardoz, wow, I just read her Wikipedia entry. Her agent was demoted and the head of the agency resigned (though stays on as an 'advisor' - does that mean he's still in charge but gave up the title so the agency could save its reputation?)
posted by zippy at 10:44 PM on March 8, 2011

Cooking with Charlie Sheen. Seems to me, at least from this bit, that he is in on the joke.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:01 PM on March 10, 2011