It Even Blocks the Endless Moaning
May 6, 2011 6:29 PM Subscribe
The First Zombie-Proof House: "The Safe House" was designed by KWK Promes, and completely folds in on itself to become an impenetrable concrete bunker, keeping you safe from the undead.
I was hoping for more folding.
posted by mittens at 6:41 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mittens at 6:41 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm holding out for Mordhaus.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:42 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:42 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
No lasers? My 3 year old considers lasers central to any zombie defense system. Also swords.
posted by DU at 6:43 PM on May 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by DU at 6:43 PM on May 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Seems like thermal cracking would be a problem. And the endless scratching of zombie bone wearing away the rough walls.
posted by yeolcoatl at 6:44 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by yeolcoatl at 6:44 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Wait, zombies can't get through a steel garage door? That's not concrete, d00dz, that's something any six year old who can strike a match and find an acetylene torch can get through.
Maybe the zombies couldn't get through it, but for your average SWAT team it's five minutes tops.
posted by localroger at 6:46 PM on May 6, 2011
Maybe the zombies couldn't get through it, but for your average SWAT team it's five minutes tops.
posted by localroger at 6:46 PM on May 6, 2011
No torches? They'll just keep spawning.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:47 PM on May 6, 2011 [14 favorites]
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:47 PM on May 6, 2011 [14 favorites]
How strange...if you look at the series of pictures backwards--starting at the anonymous gray block, watching the windows unfold, the big door lift--it's very pretty opening up.
posted by mittens at 6:47 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by mittens at 6:47 PM on May 6, 2011
When 6 year olds are on the SWAT teams, zombies are the least of your problems.
posted by DU at 6:47 PM on May 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by DU at 6:47 PM on May 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
That is amazing. But, of course, you realize that a long-running trope in zombie movies is the horrific demise of the arrogantly well-prepared, especially if they callously refuse to help the less-prepared citizenry, ESPECIALLY if there's a possibility of realizing that you have just impenetrably SEALED YOURSELF IN WITH A FAMILY MEMBER WHO WAS CONCEALING A BITE.
Yep...that house is destined (by the moral framework of zombie movies) to be a gory deathtrap for its occupants when the zombie apocalypse arrives.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 6:48 PM on May 6, 2011 [43 favorites]
Yep...that house is destined (by the moral framework of zombie movies) to be a gory deathtrap for its occupants when the zombie apocalypse arrives.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 6:48 PM on May 6, 2011 [43 favorites]
Or it's just a plain agonizingly slow deathtrap of starvation.
posted by P.o.B. at 6:52 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by P.o.B. at 6:52 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Starvation? Did you SEE that kitchen? It's really more a matter of constantly wishing you could go outside and clean the blood-smears off the windows.
posted by mittens at 6:52 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mittens at 6:52 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
P.o.B.: "Or it's just a plain agonizingly slow deathtrap of starvation."
I dunno, anyone rich enough to build a house like this probably has an underground bunker stockpiled with food to last 5 years or more.
posted by bwg at 6:58 PM on May 6, 2011
I dunno, anyone rich enough to build a house like this probably has an underground bunker stockpiled with food to last 5 years or more.
posted by bwg at 6:58 PM on May 6, 2011
Must ask, if one can afford said underground bunker, why bother with the armored house and just build whatever suits your tastes above ground?
posted by ConstantineXVI at 7:02 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by ConstantineXVI at 7:02 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would have opted for a Robbie the Robot sentry and doors made of Krell steel.
posted by digsrus at 7:08 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by digsrus at 7:08 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
ZOMBIE TIMECUBE RIPE FOR HOLOCAUST.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 7:17 PM on May 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by gorgor_balabala at 7:17 PM on May 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
"The house, with its movable walls, has only one entrance, which is located on the second floor after crossing a drawbridge. Seems like the perfect opportunity to use a flamethrower and defend the life of your family..."
Or the perfect place to die in the event of a house fire or other disaster that happens between your family and the ONLY ENTRANCE, WHICH IS LOCATED ON THE SECOND FLOOR AFTER CROSSING A DRAWBRIDGE.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:19 PM on May 6, 2011 [11 favorites]
Or the perfect place to die in the event of a house fire or other disaster that happens between your family and the ONLY ENTRANCE, WHICH IS LOCATED ON THE SECOND FLOOR AFTER CROSSING A DRAWBRIDGE.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:19 PM on May 6, 2011 [11 favorites]
Are those solar panels on top? That seems crucial, especially if not going the invisibly underground route. And yeah. Is it fireproof? Even in the event of a zombie apocalypse steps should be taken to make this idiot-proof. And is the closed house on some kind of mechanical ventilation that limits horizontal airflow? Because the best defense against zombies is never letting them smell you, but having your airflow be dependent on something that needs a power connection seems pretty hazardous.
posted by EtzHadaat at 7:24 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by EtzHadaat at 7:24 PM on May 6, 2011
There are solar panels and maybe some air conditioning units on the roof...AND the big sliding door is white aluminum to show movies on. (Seriously.)
posted by mittens at 7:27 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by mittens at 7:27 PM on May 6, 2011
I like it except for the fact that there are now "digging zombies". In the most recent Resident Evil movie (yeah, I know, I don't really like how they are outside of canon either) some type of digging zombie manage to claw there ways under ground and up into a maximum security prison. Let's just hope the architects of this place put concrete everywhere.
posted by coolxcool=rad at 7:27 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by coolxcool=rad at 7:27 PM on May 6, 2011
> In the most recent Resident Evil movie
Still being directed by Paul WS Anderson. Damnit.
I sometimes get brain whiplash when I read his name and realize it's not the good Paul Anderson (there will be blood, etc), but the bad Paul Anderson someone is talking about.
posted by mrzarquon at 7:34 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Still being directed by Paul WS Anderson. Damnit.
I sometimes get brain whiplash when I read his name and realize it's not the good Paul Anderson (there will be blood, etc), but the bad Paul Anderson someone is talking about.
posted by mrzarquon at 7:34 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
If That "Paul Anderson" was directing a Resident Evil movie I'd be all like," Can I work the Craft Services table, sir?".
posted by coolxcool=rad at 7:38 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by coolxcool=rad at 7:38 PM on May 6, 2011
Good lord, this has "deathtrap and ultimately, crypt" written all over it. You're going to run out of food eventually, and when you do, you're going to be completely, utterly surrounded. Haven't people watched enough movies and played enough games to have learned that staying stationary is just going to get you killed, sooner or later?
Also, it seems like it'd be completely lacking in privacy anytime there aren't zombies, or at least anytime you aren't in full-on lockdown mode. A little impractical, while you're waiting for the zombie apocalypse to start.
But hey, to each their own I guess. You want to spend your zombie apocalypse trapped in a giant concrete shoebox, knock yourself out. My idea of a zombie-proof house looks more like this.
posted by mstokes650 at 7:38 PM on May 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Also, it seems like it'd be completely lacking in privacy anytime there aren't zombies, or at least anytime you aren't in full-on lockdown mode. A little impractical, while you're waiting for the zombie apocalypse to start.
But hey, to each their own I guess. You want to spend your zombie apocalypse trapped in a giant concrete shoebox, knock yourself out. My idea of a zombie-proof house looks more like this.
posted by mstokes650 at 7:38 PM on May 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
*May I work the...
posted by coolxcool=rad at 7:39 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by coolxcool=rad at 7:39 PM on May 6, 2011
I'm not sure what this reminds me of. The remake of 13 Ghosts, or the Masque of the Red Death. Either way, most folks that go in won't be coming out.
posted by SPrintF at 7:41 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by SPrintF at 7:41 PM on May 6, 2011
mstokes650, have you learnt nothing from zombie films? Stay in the fortress. If you leave the fortress for a second location, you will die. Especially if the second location is a boat. The answer is: stock enough food and fuel and clothing to last a hundred years. A giant underground warehouse should do the trick. And put a helipad on top.
posted by hot soup girl at 7:47 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by hot soup girl at 7:47 PM on May 6, 2011
I WANT!
Though zombology suggests retreating into the ground is not wise.
posted by clavdivs at 7:49 PM on May 6, 2011
Though zombology suggests retreating into the ground is not wise.
posted by clavdivs at 7:49 PM on May 6, 2011
Who cares about the zombies? Finally a glass house I can live in and still throw stones! Take that you bastards!
posted by cjorgensen at 7:52 PM on May 6, 2011 [15 favorites]
posted by cjorgensen at 7:52 PM on May 6, 2011 [15 favorites]
These rolling metal doors are somewhat common in places like Hilton Head, NC, for summer homes that may not frequently be occupied. They offer a considerable amount of protection from damage from high winds and flying debris during hurricanes, and give a modicum of protection against break-ins.
Years ago when I was thinking about purchasing a home (sometime in the future when I had a sufficient amount of money) in Chicago, I thought these doors would provide a decent amount of protection from burglars for the first-floor windows. At the time, I knew many people who were robbed while living on the first floor of apartment buildings, mostly four- and six-flats on the north side. Two of the apartments I have lived in over the years were on the first floor, and it was always a small, nagging concern when I would go out at night.
I'm surprised that I have not seen these out here in Chicago, if only on the more expensive houses. The addition of these doors is not very complex, and if concealed right, would not make the home look like an eyesore.
posted by chambers at 7:52 PM on May 6, 2011
Years ago when I was thinking about purchasing a home (sometime in the future when I had a sufficient amount of money) in Chicago, I thought these doors would provide a decent amount of protection from burglars for the first-floor windows. At the time, I knew many people who were robbed while living on the first floor of apartment buildings, mostly four- and six-flats on the north side. Two of the apartments I have lived in over the years were on the first floor, and it was always a small, nagging concern when I would go out at night.
I'm surprised that I have not seen these out here in Chicago, if only on the more expensive houses. The addition of these doors is not very complex, and if concealed right, would not make the home look like an eyesore.
posted by chambers at 7:52 PM on May 6, 2011
Am the only one who saw the pool and wondered why you would want to cut yourself off from an extra supply of water?
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 7:54 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 7:54 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
kind of all-or-nothing regarding privacy, too.
posted by daisystomper at 7:55 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by daisystomper at 7:55 PM on May 6, 2011
You know, you wouldn't have to worry about sealing all the windows and walkways with rolling metal doors and suchlike if you just put this house on top of a perfectly smooth, three story concrete cube filled with supplies. Zombies can smash themselves against that all they like; they won't ever break or climb it. Your lovely architect-designed home sits on top, with as much fresh air and sunlight as you wish. And aside from the rooftop helipad, you can also install an underground concrete tunnel leading to the beach, where your nuclear-powered submarine is parked.
Why yes, I have given this a lot of thought.
posted by hot soup girl at 7:56 PM on May 6, 2011 [19 favorites]
Why yes, I have given this a lot of thought.
posted by hot soup girl at 7:56 PM on May 6, 2011 [19 favorites]
This Old Zombie House (warning, annoying pop up ads).
posted by cjorgensen at 7:57 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by cjorgensen at 7:57 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Judging by the furnishings and architecture, apparently IKEA customers have a real sore spot when it comes to zombie attacks.
posted by crapmatic at 8:01 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by crapmatic at 8:01 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ahh, you misunderstand, hot soup girl - I wouldn't be leaving the fortress to head for the boat, I'd be headed for the boat right off the bat. As long as I can fish, and desalinate water, the only things I'd really have to worry about are making it safely to the boat in the beginning (variable difficulty, depending on where I am when the outbreak starts), the occasional (very rare) zombie capable of wrestling a shark, and the (admittedly terrifying) possibility that Kevin Costner will intrude into my post-apocalyptic sea-based lifestyle.
posted by mstokes650 at 8:04 PM on May 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by mstokes650 at 8:04 PM on May 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
Ah, I see! Well, in that case, carry on.
posted by hot soup girl at 8:06 PM on May 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by hot soup girl at 8:06 PM on May 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Being in a fortress you can lock up tighter than a nun's knees is a basic counter-zombie strategy. But, as history has proven time and time again, ultimately, the greatest danger comes from within.
And what then? WHAT THEN?
This place needs a catapult or trebuchet, at the very least.
ZOMBIE FAIL
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:08 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
And what then? WHAT THEN?
This place needs a catapult or trebuchet, at the very least.
ZOMBIE FAIL
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:08 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
There's plenty of questions to be answered. How fast is it to close each/all of those doors? Can they be closed and opened manually if power or wiring fails? What kind of view do I have around the house to detect the incoming zombie hordes? Those food and power concerns already mentioned. I don't see any weapon turrets around anywhere.
posted by stifford at 8:09 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by stifford at 8:09 PM on May 6, 2011
The "First" Zombie-Proof House, if by "first" you mean "the latest computer graphic image of one, discounting the ones popping up daily on Reddit under the meme heading of 'zombie fortress', and of course discounting any pre-existing zombie-proof structures like real fortresses, jailhouses, bunkers..."
Carry on.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:11 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Carry on.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:11 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
This place needs a catapult or trebuchet, at the very least.
Well, if you work the drawbridge fast enough...
posted by mittens at 8:29 PM on May 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
Well, if you work the drawbridge fast enough...
posted by mittens at 8:29 PM on May 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
kind of all-or-nothing regarding privacy, too.
Yes. Looking at the house in open mode, all I can think is that I wouldn't even want an open plan kitchen because it has to be kept so clean all the time, and I keep my curtains drawn because I don't want people to be able to see in from the street. Living in a house with glass walls would drive me mad.
posted by orange swan at 8:48 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yes. Looking at the house in open mode, all I can think is that I wouldn't even want an open plan kitchen because it has to be kept so clean all the time, and I keep my curtains drawn because I don't want people to be able to see in from the street. Living in a house with glass walls would drive me mad.
posted by orange swan at 8:48 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
> You know, you wouldn't have to worry about sealing all the windows and walkways with rolling metal doors and suchlike if you just put this house on top of a perfectly smooth, three story concrete cube filled with supplies
So pretty much, you move in to the roof of a CostCo. All that patio furniture and fertilizer, you could make a decent vegetable garden on the roof, and start composting all that rotting vegetable matter. You may have to find something to help break down all the meat that would go bad eventually, but CostCo roof could be a decent option. You just need to reinforce the five or so entry points.
posted by mrzarquon at 8:50 PM on May 6, 2011 [10 favorites]
So pretty much, you move in to the roof of a CostCo. All that patio furniture and fertilizer, you could make a decent vegetable garden on the roof, and start composting all that rotting vegetable matter. You may have to find something to help break down all the meat that would go bad eventually, but CostCo roof could be a decent option. You just need to reinforce the five or so entry points.
posted by mrzarquon at 8:50 PM on May 6, 2011 [10 favorites]
Also, you could probably finding enough propane to run those forklifts for a long time, which would also help in zombie clearing duties that would have to happen first.
posted by mrzarquon at 8:51 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by mrzarquon at 8:51 PM on May 6, 2011
How safe are boats during zombie outbreaks? Seems that dead bodies float, so zombies would eventually climb on board while the victims sleep below deck.
posted by Knigel at 8:58 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by Knigel at 8:58 PM on May 6, 2011
You cannot escape. A lurching, rotten corpse is your own mortality staring you in the face. That is why Barbara is killed by her own brother in the end: death has no fealty to anyone.
Oh, you can lock yourself in your fancy concrete castle. But you are going to die and there is no structure secure enough to change that. Enjoy your miserable long life of spam.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:14 PM on May 6, 2011 [13 favorites]
Oh, you can lock yourself in your fancy concrete castle. But you are going to die and there is no structure secure enough to change that. Enjoy your miserable long life of spam.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:14 PM on May 6, 2011 [13 favorites]
Seems that dead bodies float, so zombies would eventually climb on board while the victims sleep below deck
Bodies float until the skin ruptures and gases trapped within are released.
Keep the boat pretty far away from land and make sure someone is on sharp, pointy stick duty.
[pop]
posted by device55 at 9:15 PM on May 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
Bodies float until the skin ruptures and gases trapped within are released.
Keep the boat pretty far away from land and make sure someone is on sharp, pointy stick duty.
[pop]
posted by device55 at 9:15 PM on May 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
Given the paranoid priorities of the clients, it's not the residents that have to fear the zombies; the zombies have to fear whoever lives within: maybe Ayman al-Zawahiri? a druglord? Kleptocrat?
posted by markvalli at 9:30 PM on May 6, 2011
posted by markvalli at 9:30 PM on May 6, 2011
Why yes, I have given this a lot of thought.
You want to save the rooftop for farming and solar panels. Best to have two steel-reinforced concrete tunnels: one to the sub; and one to a helipad.
posted by elizardbits at 9:32 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
You want to save the rooftop for farming and solar panels. Best to have two steel-reinforced concrete tunnels: one to the sub; and one to a helipad.
posted by elizardbits at 9:32 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
A website with larger photos and no zombie premise.
For the record, these are architectural mock-ups rather than photos of an actual building; in the "photos" taken from the same vantage points, the backgrounds are identical down to the clouds.
posted by enlarged to show texture at 9:37 PM on May 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
For the record, these are architectural mock-ups rather than photos of an actual building; in the "photos" taken from the same vantage points, the backgrounds are identical down to the clouds.
posted by enlarged to show texture at 9:37 PM on May 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
A zombie proof house is never zombie proof. To be zombie proof it would have to be able to move as the zombie hordes converge upon it. Eventually the sheer numbers of zombies will overwhelm anything that is a fixed structure.
Thus a house, or any structure is never zombie proof.
You must be able to move. Pick your battles and never rest longer than a single day or night at any location.
Always travel in pairs. More than that might alert zombies. A pair is ideal. One sleeps one stands guard.
Try to be on high ground at night. Be quiet. Guns are fun but not the best. A sharpened shovel is a fine weapon. Aim for the head and keep out of arms reach. Keep your hair short and your clothes tight. If you can, get leather. Pants and jackets. They might protect you from a single bite. But don't expect it. Some people say, chainmail. But chainmail is heavy and restricts movement.
When it doubt, no loose clothing.
Have a machete and a polearm. Like I said before, since we don't live in ancient times, sharpen a shovel and go for the head.
Eventually you will see large groups of zombies. You know what that is? A house or a fort with people inside. Avoid it. That is called a zombie buffet.
Keep moving North. Why? Because you are waiting for the first snow. Zombies freeze. Then you find them and chop off the heads.
When you hit Canada our northern brethren will probably shoot you. They don't need anyone else.
So bring something they want. Like a pair of nice hockey skates.
You're on your own.
Wait, what's that noi
posted by Splunge at 9:39 PM on May 6, 2011 [24 favorites]
Thus a house, or any structure is never zombie proof.
You must be able to move. Pick your battles and never rest longer than a single day or night at any location.
Always travel in pairs. More than that might alert zombies. A pair is ideal. One sleeps one stands guard.
Try to be on high ground at night. Be quiet. Guns are fun but not the best. A sharpened shovel is a fine weapon. Aim for the head and keep out of arms reach. Keep your hair short and your clothes tight. If you can, get leather. Pants and jackets. They might protect you from a single bite. But don't expect it. Some people say, chainmail. But chainmail is heavy and restricts movement.
When it doubt, no loose clothing.
Have a machete and a polearm. Like I said before, since we don't live in ancient times, sharpen a shovel and go for the head.
Eventually you will see large groups of zombies. You know what that is? A house or a fort with people inside. Avoid it. That is called a zombie buffet.
Keep moving North. Why? Because you are waiting for the first snow. Zombies freeze. Then you find them and chop off the heads.
When you hit Canada our northern brethren will probably shoot you. They don't need anyone else.
So bring something they want. Like a pair of nice hockey skates.
You're on your own.
Wait, what's that noi
posted by Splunge at 9:39 PM on May 6, 2011 [24 favorites]
That is amazing. But, of course, you realize that a long-running trope in zombie movies is the horrific demise of the arrogantly well-prepared, especially if they callously refuse to help the less-prepared citizenry, ESPECIALLY if there's a possibility of realizing that you have just impenetrably SEALED YOURSELF IN WITH A FAMILY MEMBER WHO WAS CONCEALING A BITE.
Eh, it's even worse. The design of the house absolutely, positively depends on having lots of advanced warning. It's not a panic room -- it's a large, remarkably vulnerable house that can be converted into a concrete-and-metal cube for turtling purposes.
Drawbridge aside, the windows are the biggest weakness. It's possible that the windows are super super thick, but it's definitely going to be more vulnerable than solid concrete. And the concrete doors that swing shut to protect them? They're flush with the ground. Heavy snow? You can't open or close them. Body on the ground? Better get it 10' away from the house before you wrestle the giant concrete slab shut, because it's got a wiiiiide arc.
posted by verb at 9:40 PM on May 6, 2011
Eh, it's even worse. The design of the house absolutely, positively depends on having lots of advanced warning. It's not a panic room -- it's a large, remarkably vulnerable house that can be converted into a concrete-and-metal cube for turtling purposes.
Drawbridge aside, the windows are the biggest weakness. It's possible that the windows are super super thick, but it's definitely going to be more vulnerable than solid concrete. And the concrete doors that swing shut to protect them? They're flush with the ground. Heavy snow? You can't open or close them. Body on the ground? Better get it 10' away from the house before you wrestle the giant concrete slab shut, because it's got a wiiiiide arc.
posted by verb at 9:40 PM on May 6, 2011
I think the biggest danger is the folding mechanism getting worn out years before the zombocalypse actually occurs, because I for one would be remotely activating it from the end of the driveway every time I came home, so that I could run wildly up the drive and then slide in through the rapidly narrowing gap, leaving only enough time to reach back and pull my fedora through as well before the final deafening THOOM as the house slams shut.
posted by No-sword at 9:47 PM on May 6, 2011 [15 favorites]
posted by No-sword at 9:47 PM on May 6, 2011 [15 favorites]
NO NO NO PEOPLE
You construct your very large fort with tall walls to have a wedge-shaped notch cut out of it. The zombies will naturally funnel in there and stagger upslope.
That's when they get their heads lopped off by the constantly spinning massive blades driven by a dozen zombies, chained to a treadmill, continually staggering towards a guy sitting in a lawn chair, sipping a margarita. The heads go thump-thump-thump down a chute and serve to bonk! various zombies outside for comic effect. More blades transform the bodies into mulch for your lovely garden. Add more zombies, copper windings, and rare earth magnets for a reliable source of electricity. They are like perpetual motion machines.
Silly zombies, think they are the monsters. Clearly they've never met a mad scientist who wants an ice machine so he can have his margarita on the rocks.
posted by adipocere at 9:50 PM on May 6, 2011 [39 favorites]
You construct your very large fort with tall walls to have a wedge-shaped notch cut out of it. The zombies will naturally funnel in there and stagger upslope.
That's when they get their heads lopped off by the constantly spinning massive blades driven by a dozen zombies, chained to a treadmill, continually staggering towards a guy sitting in a lawn chair, sipping a margarita. The heads go thump-thump-thump down a chute and serve to bonk! various zombies outside for comic effect. More blades transform the bodies into mulch for your lovely garden. Add more zombies, copper windings, and rare earth magnets for a reliable source of electricity. They are like perpetual motion machines.
Silly zombies, think they are the monsters. Clearly they've never met a mad scientist who wants an ice machine so he can have his margarita on the rocks.
posted by adipocere at 9:50 PM on May 6, 2011 [39 favorites]
Keep moving North. Why? Because you are waiting for the first snow. Zombies freeze. Then you find them and chop off the heads.
When you hit Canada our northern brethren will probably shoot you. They don't need anyone else.
anyone heading this way just needs to bring a backpack full of those Super Big Gulp sized PBR's and they can stay at my house!
disclaimer: My house is not zombie-proofed, nor does it snow often enough to freeze them. But I do have shovels for stabbing.
posted by mannequito at 10:06 PM on May 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
When you hit Canada our northern brethren will probably shoot you. They don't need anyone else.
anyone heading this way just needs to bring a backpack full of those Super Big Gulp sized PBR's and they can stay at my house!
disclaimer: My house is not zombie-proofed, nor does it snow often enough to freeze them. But I do have shovels for stabbing.
posted by mannequito at 10:06 PM on May 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Well, and for the survivalist on the go... shoddy workmanship, though, in my opinion.
Hala Ranch is an ideal US-based location for your own zombie fortress, if you decide to stay on land.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 10:08 PM on May 6, 2011
Hala Ranch is an ideal US-based location for your own zombie fortress, if you decide to stay on land.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 10:08 PM on May 6, 2011
kind of all-or-nothing regarding privacy, too.
I'm sure you can still get blinds for it, like any other house with lots of windows.
posted by chundo at 10:43 PM on May 6, 2011
I'm sure you can still get blinds for it, like any other house with lots of windows.
posted by chundo at 10:43 PM on May 6, 2011
Splunge: We promise not to shoot you. But if somebody does threaten to, I'd try poutine and beer* before hockey skates.
* As long as it's not American Beer. If it is, there will definitely be shooting.
posted by empatterson at 11:22 PM on May 6, 2011
* As long as it's not American Beer. If it is, there will definitely be shooting.
posted by empatterson at 11:22 PM on May 6, 2011
I have heard zombies will eat Tim Bits in preference to brains.
posted by arcticseal at 11:27 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by arcticseal at 11:27 PM on May 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
mrzarquon:
Still being directed by Paul WS Anderson. Damnit.
I sometimes get brain whiplash when I read his name and realize it's not the good Paul Anderson (there will be blood, etc), but the bad Paul Anderson someone is talking about"
Well I just read this as Wes Anderson and got all excited. Bill Murray plays a good zombie!
posted by hydrophonic at 11:31 PM on May 6, 2011
Still being directed by Paul WS Anderson. Damnit.
I sometimes get brain whiplash when I read his name and realize it's not the good Paul Anderson (there will be blood, etc), but the bad Paul Anderson someone is talking about"
Well I just read this as Wes Anderson and got all excited. Bill Murray plays a good zombie!
posted by hydrophonic at 11:31 PM on May 6, 2011
Actually I love the concept of poutine. But I just came back from Seattle so I hope you have Mac and Jack.
posted by Splunge at 12:16 AM on May 7, 2011
posted by Splunge at 12:16 AM on May 7, 2011
I see what you mean about the clouds being the same, but if that's a rendering I'm gobsmacked.
Probably just for effect they Photoshopped in the closing/closed doors and shutters onto the same image of the house, so it would look cool as a slideshow.
But it's not actually built of concrete, but some sort of light panel cladding on a frame. It would probably still do the job, and it still proclaims the loving message of brutalism - the only sort of language that these zombies understand.
posted by Flashman at 12:24 AM on May 7, 2011
Probably just for effect they Photoshopped in the closing/closed doors and shutters onto the same image of the house, so it would look cool as a slideshow.
But it's not actually built of concrete, but some sort of light panel cladding on a frame. It would probably still do the job, and it still proclaims the loving message of brutalism - the only sort of language that these zombies understand.
posted by Flashman at 12:24 AM on May 7, 2011
I dunno, anyone rich enough to build a house like this probably has an underground bunker stockpiled with food to last 5 years or more.
And is too cocky to make damn good and sure they have a can opener.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:13 AM on May 7, 2011
And is too cocky to make damn good and sure they have a can opener.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:13 AM on May 7, 2011
all the house needs is the almost attack proof OBL plan of no internet, no telephones and add some more high walls around the safe-house. then, sleep tight and avoid loud snoring, as that attracts Zombies.
posted by taxpayer at 3:30 AM on May 7, 2011
posted by taxpayer at 3:30 AM on May 7, 2011
Well, if you're really prepared, can't you just stock several million rounds of ammunition and shoot all these zombies from the roof? Quick Googling suggests that a million rounds is about a seven-foot cube, so several million rounds should be do-able in this house. Rifle from the roof, close-up and slow-moving targets, shouldn't be a problem. How many zombies can turn up?
I mean, I guess they might fill the moat if there are enough. But I refuse to Google the density of human corpses...
posted by alasdair at 4:32 AM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I mean, I guess they might fill the moat if there are enough. But I refuse to Google the density of human corpses...
posted by alasdair at 4:32 AM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
There is NO WAY that those window covers on the second story are concrete. Look at the size of them, and the wee little hinges they are on. Those things are big plywood boxes (or similar) painted to look like concrete. Poseurs.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:18 AM on May 7, 2011
posted by Meatbomb at 5:18 AM on May 7, 2011
Looks like it would be a real hassle to crack a window when you want a smoke.
posted by tumid dahlia at 5:35 AM on May 7, 2011
posted by tumid dahlia at 5:35 AM on May 7, 2011
To be zombie proof it would have to be able to move as the zombie hordes converge upon it. Eventually the sheer numbers of zombies will overwhelm anything that is a fixed structure.
Thus a house, or any structure is never zombie proof.
Except for Howl's Moving Castle, obvsly.
posted by elizardbits at 7:22 AM on May 7, 2011
Thus a house, or any structure is never zombie proof.
Except for Howl's Moving Castle, obvsly.
posted by elizardbits at 7:22 AM on May 7, 2011
I'd just like to point out that you can't easily achieve interlocking fields of fire from a mere square.
posted by ob1quixote at 7:52 AM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by ob1quixote at 7:52 AM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't need some concrete fortress to protect me from a zombie outbreak, they won't stand a chance against a flurry of Hadokens, Shoyureppas, and Crossover combos. Because I'm not going to debate "entry points" or "ammo reserves"; if the dead get up and walk around by essentially the means of magic, then I get to be Ryu, hater.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:38 AM on May 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:38 AM on May 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
The drawbridge is a nice touch, but the single entrance/exit would not pass fire code requirements. Please bear this in mind when submitting plans for code approval.
posted by warbaby at 10:11 AM on May 7, 2011
posted by warbaby at 10:11 AM on May 7, 2011
I see what you mean about the clouds being the same, but if that's a rendering I'm gobsmacked.
I was curious; it definitely looks like a rendering. I overlaid a few of the most obvious ones and made an animated GIF; it's pretty striking that tiny details like the positioning of leaves on trees and so on are exactly the same.
If it's not rendered, they did a ridiculous amount of work to photoshop a slightly altered version of the image when simply opening the doors and taking a second photo would have been much simpler. Especially given the fact that they posted dozens of shots, it's odd that they'd do that. Ockham's Razor says rendering.
posted by verb at 11:24 AM on May 7, 2011
I was curious; it definitely looks like a rendering. I overlaid a few of the most obvious ones and made an animated GIF; it's pretty striking that tiny details like the positioning of leaves on trees and so on are exactly the same.
If it's not rendered, they did a ridiculous amount of work to photoshop a slightly altered version of the image when simply opening the doors and taking a second photo would have been much simpler. Especially given the fact that they posted dozens of shots, it's odd that they'd do that. Ockham's Razor says rendering.
posted by verb at 11:24 AM on May 7, 2011
Looking at this again I'm still not onboard. The 12 foot tall by 18 inch thick concrete wall should be all you need. Now that I think about it wouldn't a series of walls and fences be a heck of a lot better. Preferably ones you could stab through or spritz a bit of lighter fluid through for an easy way to render large groups harmless. Then get yourself a really nice house in the middle of well lit and surveiled field with a moat or something to protect from errant fires. Include underground bunker with years of supplies and your set.
posted by P.o.B. at 11:43 AM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by P.o.B. at 11:43 AM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I did some more digging, and apparently this house was built just outside Dublin, for the lead singer of The Cranberries.
Actually, no, but it is in blood-soaked zombie country, near Warsaw, Poland.
This page has more information.
posted by Flashman at 12:11 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Actually, no, but it is in blood-soaked zombie country, near Warsaw, Poland.
This page has more information.
posted by Flashman at 12:11 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Verb: I would argue that Photoshop is the easier explanation, especially looking at your examples. It's not a ridiculous amount of work compared to renderings. It looks like some fairly straightforward composites.
Why would someone bother? Maybe they thought the clouds were too different in between images and were distracting. That's what MY Occam's Razor says, anyway, as someone who can do miracles in Photoshop but can't operate a 3D program. Photoshop is easy.
posted by KS at 12:42 PM on May 7, 2011
Why would someone bother? Maybe they thought the clouds were too different in between images and were distracting. That's what MY Occam's Razor says, anyway, as someone who can do miracles in Photoshop but can't operate a 3D program. Photoshop is easy.
posted by KS at 12:42 PM on May 7, 2011
Verb: I would argue that Photoshop is the easier explanation, especially looking at your examples. It's not a ridiculous amount of work compared to renderings. It looks like some fairly straightforward composites.
No, I mean that Photoshopping would be a ridiculous amount of work to go to if the house was actually there to be photographed. There are over a dozen photos of the place from a variety of angles (although all the shots, curiously enough, have the house in absolutely perfect alignment with the horizon line -- to the point that the house's vertical walls are pixel-crisp). If you have the house, and you've set up a couple dozen photos from different angles, why not just take another shot with the doors open?
Why would someone bother? Maybe they thought the clouds were too different in between images and were distracting. That's what MY Occam's Razor says, anyway, as someone who can do miracles in Photoshop but can't operate a 3D program. Photoshop is easy.
I'm not saying that photoshop is harder than 3d rendering -- I'm saying that 3d rendering is easier than building a giant house out of glass and concrete slab. Architectural renderings are commonplace when you want to say, "Here's how our pretty and expensive-to-build structure will look in the real world!"
posted by verb at 12:59 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
No, I mean that Photoshopping would be a ridiculous amount of work to go to if the house was actually there to be photographed. There are over a dozen photos of the place from a variety of angles (although all the shots, curiously enough, have the house in absolutely perfect alignment with the horizon line -- to the point that the house's vertical walls are pixel-crisp). If you have the house, and you've set up a couple dozen photos from different angles, why not just take another shot with the doors open?
Why would someone bother? Maybe they thought the clouds were too different in between images and were distracting. That's what MY Occam's Razor says, anyway, as someone who can do miracles in Photoshop but can't operate a 3D program. Photoshop is easy.
I'm not saying that photoshop is harder than 3d rendering -- I'm saying that 3d rendering is easier than building a giant house out of glass and concrete slab. Architectural renderings are commonplace when you want to say, "Here's how our pretty and expensive-to-build structure will look in the real world!"
posted by verb at 12:59 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
This seems less like a undead-proof house than a plutocrat's fortress, intended to keep the underclass at bay when the inevitable capitalist apocalypse hits. In such a scenario, we would be the zombies. Dibs on the Koch Brothers' brains!
posted by Strange Interlude at 2:31 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Strange Interlude at 2:31 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Definitely renderings. There could be some Photoshop after the fact too, of course. A lot of people don't realize just how good rendering is already. Check out this gallery of architecture mockups done with Maxwell Render, which is the current tool of choice for photorealistic rendering. Some of them are just as good as these.
posted by abcde at 5:09 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by abcde at 5:09 PM on May 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Here's the firm's website. This building - 'The Safe House' - was nominated for a Mies Van Der Rohe award at the World Architecture Forum 2009.
posted by Flashman at 11:57 AM on May 8, 2011
posted by Flashman at 11:57 AM on May 8, 2011
Its too bad architects have never given much thought to keeping hoards of people out of a structure. This is just spit-balling here, but why not just have 4 tall walls around a mostly normal house? You could add some high points at each corner, sort of like a tower, so you could easily shoot the zombies. Maybe a really strong door for an entrance, perhaps with an iron grating to add reinforcement. Heck why not dig a big trench around the outside of the walls and fill it with water? Zombies can't swim right?
posted by Chekhovian at 4:35 PM on May 8, 2011
posted by Chekhovian at 4:35 PM on May 8, 2011
Putting aside the amusing zombie angle, the architecture really appeals to me as the essence of modern minimalism. Depending on what's on the roof, it would be fire proof which is in fact relevant to Australian conditions.
But those massive concrete blocks and walls scream fake - there's no way they're floating into psoition like that on those hinges and rollers.
posted by wilful at 5:14 PM on May 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
But those massive concrete blocks and walls scream fake - there's no way they're floating into psoition like that on those hinges and rollers.
posted by wilful at 5:14 PM on May 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I thikn this homeowner has more money that BRAAAAAAINS!
posted by Brodiggitty at 2:39 AM on May 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Brodiggitty at 2:39 AM on May 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
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posted by kavasa at 6:39 PM on May 6, 2011