The ketchup killer

September 24, 2011 3:11 AM

So you are a hired assasassin, but what happens when it turns out the victim you are supposed to kill is a childhood friend and / or someone you fall in love with? Well obviouisly you fake-up evidence of your killing with the help of a machette under the armpit and lots and lots of tomato ketchup...
posted by fearfulsymmetry (37 comments total)

When I was young my brothers and I would have "sword" fights with plastic yellow wiffle bats. The death blow was often a wiffle bat between the arm and torso, held there by the our own amazing strength. This photo is slightly less believable than that. Seriously, she thought the job was done? Does the employer, if you will, huff paint?
posted by IvoShandor at 3:33 AM on September 24, 2011

People see what they want to see?

Assassahsassin. Pfeffer.
posted by fiercecupcake at 3:39 AM on September 24, 2011

Umm, why are they charging Lupita with extortion? Or anything except failure to report a crime?

Interestingly, De Jesus is a perfect example of why judges should make sentencing decisions, not legislators. Did he conspire to commit murder? Maybe, maybe not, depends when he recognized her name. Was he explicitly looking for hired killer work? etc. An extortion charge sounds vaguely like a cop out, i.e. we can't figure out what this idiot was thinking, but he's got a serious criminal record.
posted by jeffburdges at 4:15 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

So FX makeup technology just isn't all that advanced in Brazil?
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:18 AM on September 24, 2011

I thought this was going to be about sriracha.
posted by Hubajube at 4:24 AM on September 24, 2011

hehe, interesting plot, hmm it feels like something I've heard before,
posted by ElenaM at 4:37 AM on September 24, 2011

Wow, that looks totally real. Except for the machete. And some of the blood.
posted by DU at 4:39 AM on September 24, 2011

ElenaM: hehe, interesting plot, hmm it feels like something I've heard before,

You might be mixing up the details from a freaky fuckin' AskMe that was posted and deleted yesterday. Or, alternatively, having now looked at your comment history here, you're two-thirds of the way to a self-link on this site.
posted by gman at 6:00 AM on September 24, 2011 [6 favorites]

Carlos Roberto de Jesus, an unemployed ex-con, accepted the mission. For around £350 he agreed to kill Erenildes Aguiar Araújo, known simply as Lupita.

Get what you pay for, I suppose.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:14 AM on September 24, 2011

Wait…this isn't a John Cusack movie you're talking about? This actually happened?
posted by adamrice at 6:33 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

The hit man stole the heart of the woman her husband was cheating with... she hired him to get her out of the way, and he did! Why was she so mad?
posted by brenton at 6:33 AM on September 24, 2011 [5 favorites]

Jesus, the sight of ketchup makes me squeamish.
posted by mazola at 6:37 AM on September 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

An assasassin is obviously a sassy assassin.
posted by sour cream at 6:49 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

The hit man stole the heart of the woman her husband was cheating with... she hired him to get her out of the way, and he did! Why was she so mad?

Hmm this is a good point. I mean, I understand the anger but she's really not seeing the big picture here. As evidenced by the fact that, in her anger, she actually reported this to the police. Yeah, just not seeing the big picture.
posted by Danila at 6:50 AM on September 24, 2011

What about the cheating husband? Where's he been during all this?
posted by easily confused at 6:53 AM on September 24, 2011

They said they'd rather get high then hear Lupita Scream
posted by Sailormom at 6:56 AM on September 24, 2011

Hints of Blood Simple about this one.
posted by slimepuppy at 6:59 AM on September 24, 2011

I am reminded of this Far Side panel.
posted by oonh at 7:16 AM on September 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

A Classic Tale of Extortion.
posted by lemuring at 7:18 AM on September 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

Seriously, the fake blood I bought for last year's Halloween party is more believable than this. Ketchup? Really?
posted by the cydonian at 8:13 AM on September 24, 2011

An assasassin is obviously a sassy assassin.

Or an ass assassin....which is what all the ladies call me.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:13 AM on September 24, 2011

Hmm this is a good point. I mean, I understand the anger but she's really not seeing the big picture here. As evidenced by the fact that, in her anger, she actually reported this to the police. Yeah, just not seeing the big picture.

Not the sharpest knife in the armpit, this one.
posted by delmoi at 8:21 AM on September 24, 2011 [6 favorites]

This is how all attempted murders should end.

Alternately, instead of hiring a contract killer to take out your spouse's lover, why not hire a contract-lover to out love your lover's lover?

so they can love while they love, obviously

Please don't give Will Smith any more ideas.
posted by dismas at 8:33 AM on September 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

You three! Don't breed.
posted by medea42 at 8:39 AM on September 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

It happened in June, Usta said, when he was on the Tunisian island of Djerba, helping to organize resistance fighters. He heard through a friend that a man in Qaddafi’s security services wanted to talk to him. Usta agreed, uneasily, and they arranged to meet with the mutual contact in a cafe at noon. The man promptly explained that Qaddafi’s people had paid him $175,000 to kill Usta, and that he didn’t want to do it. “He was very tall and broad, and he had a husky voice,” Usta told me. The man glanced through the window at the 30-odd colleagues Usta had gathered outside the cafe, just in case. “These people are supposed to protect you?” the man said derisively. “I could kill them in a second.” The assassin then laid out all the details of Usta’s history and activities, his family, his movements. He had been following him for days. He had a dozen people to help with the job, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. “There’s been too much blood already,” the man said. “But I need something to take back with me.” He wanted a faked photograph, something to make it look as if Usta was dead. Usta said he and his friends staged a suitably gory photograph, which the man took back to Tripoli.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/magazine/the-surreal-ruins-of-qaddafis-never-never-land.html
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:40 AM on September 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

The hardest part about the fake blood is getting it to turn brown.
posted by maryr at 8:57 AM on September 24, 2011

I so wanted to make a Las Ketchup joke, but they're Spanish, so it doesn't quite work. How many languages has the Ketchup Song been translated to, I wonder?

Also, why are the contract killer and Araujo being charged with extortion? Because they duped someone into believing a murder had been committed?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:07 AM on September 24, 2011

Days later, Simões was walking in the local market when she saw her contract killer canoodling with the supposedly dead Lupita. Furious, she marched into the local police station and reported him for theft.

She went to the police to complain that the assassin didn't do his job.
posted by eye of newt at 9:07 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

The loan sharks in White Men Can't Jump used similar looking fake pictures of previous clients as a scare tactic for future clients.
posted by eye of newt at 9:19 AM on September 24, 2011

It simply makes no sense that Araujo/Lupita would be charged with extortion, except perhaps that Maria Simoes has political connections, meaning it reflects very badly upon the Brazilian justice system. It's equally suspicious that Maria Simoes hasn't been charged with conspiracy to commit murder, rather than simply 'making threats'. Btw, they're Brazilian, neither European nor Spanish speaking.
posted by jeffburdges at 9:32 AM on September 24, 2011

This guy is like the HP of assassins.

HP sauce
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:48 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Reports on Friday suggested her newfound fame had led to her name being touted for a seat in the local town hall.
"That's what people are saying around here, but it's something I'll have to think about," she said.

I take back everything I said about the Republican primary.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:48 AM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I take back everything I said about the Republican primary.

If only they were merely trying to get elected to town hall.

On topic, even if this assassin had carried out the job, Mrs. Simoes would likely have been caught as soon as her husband saw the checkbook entry -- Assassin: 1000 reals.
posted by axiom at 11:31 AM on September 24, 2011

She went to the cops because the assassin she hired didn't do the job. I see.
posted by Auguris at 2:14 PM on September 24, 2011

This guy is like the HP of assassins.

HP sauce

So you're saying that the photo would have looked much more realistic if the British government hadn't encouraged the reduction of salt by 25%?
posted by xingcat at 2:49 PM on September 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

She went to the cops because the assassin she hired didn't do the job. I see.--Auguris

This appears to bet more shocking to me than to you. This is a level of stupidity that is beyond my imagination and I regularly read those News of the Weird sites.
posted by eye of newt at 9:10 PM on September 24, 2011

That punk is either in love with that guy's daughter or he has a newfound respect for life.
posted by Scoo at 9:03 AM on September 25, 2011 [3 favorites]