You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

October 6, 2011 1:25 PM

Now That You're Big - a guide for the pubescent, in the style of Dr. Seuss (slightly NSFW)
posted by exogenous (51 comments total)

Oh, the Places You'll Go for a cheap/cute sex joke
posted by not_on_display at 1:31 PM on October 6, 2011 [4 favorites]

Doesn't have quite the charm of a Dr. Seuss, no? Guess there's more to it than just making up words that rhyme.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:32 PM on October 6, 2011 [7 favorites]

I wish people wouldn't say 'junk' to refer to sex parts. It's so ugly.
posted by The Discredited Ape at 1:34 PM on October 6, 2011 [5 favorites]

Beats calling them 'uglies'.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 1:35 PM on October 6, 2011

So juglies is definitely out then?

Anyway, this is way less helpful than I was hoping being that I've got two pre-pubescents at home getting close to being post-pubescent.
posted by Keith Talent at 1:38 PM on October 6, 2011

Doesn't have quite the charm of a Dr. Seuss, no? Guess there's more to it than just making up words that rhyme.

Agreed. I think there's more to it than borrowing some pictures and the font to get close to Dr. Seuss. Beyond that, I think this is great.
posted by P.o.B. at 1:39 PM on October 6, 2011

Doesn't have quite the charm of a Dr. Seuss, no?

The charm is usually in dis-Geisel.
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:39 PM on October 6, 2011 [2 favorites]

Now that I'm taking a second look, it's more Black Eyed Peas than Seuss.
posted by P.o.B. at 1:41 PM on October 6, 2011 [4 favorites]

ThePinkSuperhero: " Guess there's more to it than just making up words that rhyme."

It's missing healthy dollops of charm and wit.
posted by zarq at 1:42 PM on October 6, 2011 [6 favorites]

Dr. Seuss uses made-up words occasionally for effect. If you over do it on the use of made-up words, you may be doing parody of Seuss, but you're not doing Seuss.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:47 PM on October 6, 2011

Well that was vaguely unpleasant.
posted by silby at 1:49 PM on October 6, 2011 [8 favorites]

Really don't think we should be suggesting wanking on cake to our young people, even in jest.
posted by silby at 1:50 PM on October 6, 2011 [9 favorites]

Oh, the Places You'll Cum.
posted by benito.strauss at 1:53 PM on October 6, 2011 [8 favorites]

leave dr seuss/children alone please
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 1:55 PM on October 6, 2011 [3 favorites]

the cake is a lie lay
posted by not_on_display at 2:03 PM on October 6, 2011 [4 favorites]

The rhyming is awkward, the rhythm is poor,
But I 'fess that I laughed at "a very small door."
posted by katillathehun at 2:07 PM on October 6, 2011 [15 favorites]

Actually, this is a perfect demonstration of how much of a genius Seuss was. The key is in making it look like what he did was easy, so when people try to emulate it, they fail, and the resultant work is obviously some way short of being a credible imitation. Same with David Shrigley. David Shrigley is way cleverer than a lot of people give him credit for. People are all 'what the hell, this stuff is stupid, I could do that', but in fact they can't. It's not always easy to define what's missing, or why imitations fall short, but there's an extra level of something - wit, charm, whatever, and the difference is often very clear.
posted by The Discredited Ape at 2:07 PM on October 6, 2011

It is also so heterosexist and phallocentric.
posted by PinkMoose at 2:12 PM on October 6, 2011 [10 favorites]

...even in Yeast?? Huh?

(I didn't get the cake either. Must be me.)
posted by Namlit at 2:12 PM on October 6, 2011

Metafilter: It is also so heterosexist and phallocentric.
posted by Scoo at 2:16 PM on October 6, 2011 [3 favorites]

It reminded me of Uncle Shelby's ABZ, just a little. Enough to make me laugh on and off day. So thanks.
posted by Hactar at 2:31 PM on October 6, 2011

and=an. Like I said, an off day.
posted by Hactar at 2:32 PM on October 6, 2011

Reads like the lyrics to a Black Eyed Peas song.
posted by dangerousdan at 2:32 PM on October 6, 2011

One is always reminded of the sheer brilliance of Seuss' writing when encountering an attempt to emulate it. The emulation invariable lacks the flow and rhythm, wit and impact. It's just...awkward.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:35 PM on October 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yep, taking the style of Seuss, or Mr. Rogers, or Jim Henson, or Winnie the Pooh, or ...you know, those kind of seriously good entities and using pretty vulgar jokes (loose sense of the word jokes) for a few cheap laughs... naw... let's keep the good stuff good, if you're gonna make bad, off color jokes, use Sarah Palin's style or something...
posted by HuronBob at 2:36 PM on October 6, 2011

Well that was gross. Still better than Jim Carrey or Mike Myers, though.
posted by KokuRyu at 2:37 PM on October 6, 2011 [2 favorites]

Seems like folk are being a bit harsh. My expectations were low going in, so I was pleasantly surprised.

It does make me wish I lived in an alternate, sex-positive universe where Geisel would actually have written such a book.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 2:40 PM on October 6, 2011

Kind of reminds me of the misplaced enthusiasm of lobbying for Bert and Ernie to be outed as gay. They're puppets with the inner life of a five-year-old, for goodness sakes!
posted by KokuRyu at 2:51 PM on October 6, 2011 [2 favorites]

Reads like the lyrics to a Black Eyed Peas song.

I'm pretty sure one section actually is ripped from a Black Eyed Peas song. The "junk in her trunk" page, in particular.
posted by asnider at 4:03 PM on October 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

The writer clearly had no idea how, or even that, girls masturbate. Dudes get cakes and baths and whatnot, but girls, well, we just mention "squirting" (really?) and then it's all about the sex and buttsex.

I mean, that's only part of what's wrong with this (badly rhymed, hetero-only) parody, but it's one more tick in the "lazy writer" column.

Comedy is hard, kids.
posted by emjaybee at 4:32 PM on October 6, 2011 [5 favorites]

Brits are so weird.
posted by psoas at 4:43 PM on October 6, 2011

Soooo... this was clearly not meant for the pubescent at all, but rather adults with pubescent senses of humor.

I'd hate to think that a little person without knowledge of how reproduction works would ever get subjected to this. Boobs, boners, masturbation, spunk, squirts, babies and butt sex all covered in a few comic strip panels? I'll opt for more traditional methods, thanks.

Weird and really not that funny.
posted by secondhand pho at 5:19 PM on October 6, 2011

I'd hate to think that a little person without knowledge of how reproduction works would ever get subjected to this. Boobs, boners, masturbation, spunk, squirts, babies and butt sex all covered in a few comic strip panels?

If it had stuck to "it's OK to masturbate" and not tried to cover everything and get so "cutesy" (which feels like a weird descriptor for this), it might have almost been useful as a sex-positive sort of message, albeit a very childish one.
posted by asnider at 5:24 PM on October 6, 2011 [2 favorites]

Ick.
posted by oneironaut at 5:35 PM on October 6, 2011

So this is what pedophiles read to kids to build that special trust the book talks about?
posted by cjorgensen at 5:41 PM on October 6, 2011

Metafilter: It is also so heterosexist and phallocentric.

Once you burst forth through that yellow wallpaper, we shall revisit this proposition.
posted by rahnefan at 6:13 PM on October 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: So this is what, etc.
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 6:29 PM on October 6, 2011

Was it the BEE thread yesterday where he was claiming women told him they "learned to masturbate" to his book? Aside from distaste at the conceit, I was like, learned? Surely it should fall right to hand, so to speak, when you're at a receptive age. Of course, I've never been a woman, so lack perspective.
posted by maxwelton at 6:33 PM on October 6, 2011

Man one thing I will tell you
Makes me hell of sad:
how when folks attempt Seuss
it ends up real bad

His pictures and words
aren't just doodles and rhymes
his prosody's crisp,
his art transcends times

This crass shit above
they felt need to produce?
It makes me feel woe
for poor dead Dr Seuss.
posted by beefetish at 7:11 PM on October 6, 2011 [7 favorites]

This was great. Y'all are a bunch of fuddy-duddies.
posted by AzzaMcKazza at 7:21 PM on October 6, 2011

"Aside from distaste at the conceit, I was like, learned? Surely it should fall right to hand, so to speak, when you're at a receptive age. Of course, I've never been a woman, so lack perspective."—maxwelton

Stipulating all the many issues involved in self-reporting of such things in surveys, as well as some other reasons to be cautious about this subject, prevalence and rates of female masturbation in North America have radically changed (increased) over the last forty years and especially so relative to male masturbation.

I think you're right to question the notion that the techniques of masturbation (male or female) need to be learned, but there's good reason to suspect that it might need to be learned to be thought of as culturally acceptable. And, more far-reaching and speculatively, it might need to be learned to be thought of as a distinct, purposeful activity.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 7:37 PM on October 6, 2011

They're puppets with the inner life of a five-year-old, for goodness sakes!

You take that back! Bert is at least 14, and Ernie's going on 26.
posted by sneebler at 9:09 PM on October 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

i'm going to have to side with the fuddy-duddies around here and agree that charmless rip-off + word invention +attempt at Fox-in-Socks-style rhythm =/= the style of Dr. Seuss.

Ted Geisel had a wicked sense of humor that's being dragged through the dough by a tough as he coughs as he ploughs it by this piece. I don't think he'd be flattered by a stretch, and I wouldn't blame him.
posted by Graygorey at 10:25 PM on October 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

It's uneven and seemed hastily written sometimes, considering the good quality of the illustrations. People usually get Dr. Suess's rhyme scheme clumsily rendered to one degree or another, and there are stanzas in this masturbation primer that pretty much abandon it.

I'd give this a 4 out of ten in that regard but it made me laugh more than once so it was worth it.
posted by longsleeves at 10:29 PM on October 6, 2011

Spot on.
posted by chemoboy at 11:05 PM on October 6, 2011

Unfortunately, the cringe to laugh ratio was greater than 1.
posted by localroger at 5:17 AM on October 7, 2011

You can wank on a cake

Does this frosting taste funny to you?
posted by klausness at 5:56 AM on October 7, 2011

Well, I pretty much hate all of Dr. Seuss and nearly all Dr. Seuss books in our house have been given away because here's the thing -- small kids don't like them. They're weird, a little scary, words that make no sense to them all adding up to a story that they can't follow at all. I mean the stoner college student yahoo in me appreciates Dr. Seuss but the parent of an actual child in me has no use for him.

By contrast, we have about half a dozen of the more recently published "Dr. Seuss" educational books. These are much more suited to the mind of a preschooler. The rhymes are fun, the pictures correlate with things in their world, and they can follow the story. Miles of Reptiles. My oh My a Butterfly. The Tooth Book. The Alphabet Book. Now I can add Now That You're Big to my preschooler's book shelf because I think it's pretty great and it is never too early to start sex education.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:02 AM on October 7, 2011

...small kids don't like them. They're weird, a little scary, words that make no sense to them all adding up to a story that they can't follow at all.

Really? Because I seem to recall loving Dr. Seuss has a kid. Perhaps not as a pre-schooler, but certainly by the time I hit Kindergarten I was a fan of Seuss. That these seemingly simple children's books continue to appeal to adults -- and not usually as a result of mere nostalgia -- is a testament to the art behind them, but it strikes me as a bit odd to claim that small kids don't like them.

I suppose it depends on how we're defining "small kids," though.
posted by asnider at 8:42 AM on October 7, 2011

I loved Dr. Suess as a small kid, too! The day I first heard Green Eggs and Ham, I apparently couldn't stop talking about it. I also used to read Suess books to my class when I worked at a preschool. They dug it.
posted by katillathehun at 9:17 AM on October 7, 2011

Regarding Seuss and small children: "The Geisels had no children and, Ted Geisel himself was not particularly fond of spending time with them. 'He was afraid of children to a degree,' Audrey Geisel says."

I think the weirdness and nonsensical words were what made Seuss a favorite of mine growing up. There's nothing like having a parent trip over his or her tongue trying to muddle through Fox in Socks... to this day, I still snicker a little remembering my mom stumbling through the bit about tweedle beetle battles. Seuss leveled the playing field a bit by giving parents something they had to work at to pronounce, which I think put me more at ease with my own learning experiences.
posted by Graygorey at 12:13 PM on October 7, 2011