Do you miss Four Loko the same way I do?

March 23, 2012 10:04 AM

Faux Loko
posted by josher71 (78 comments total)

It seems to be missing caffeine...

The very first ingredient they talk about, Berroca, has the caffine. They even warn you to be sure to get the variety of Berroca that does have the caffine. Where are you getting that it's missing the caffine?

But please, if you make Faux Loko, be very, very very careful. Don't be stupid. Don't drive. Don't poison yourself. Just... don't.

Hee.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:10 AM on March 23, 2012

Oops, my bad. It has some UK energy pill.

Which contains a buttload of caffeine.
posted by kenko at 10:10 AM on March 23, 2012

....aaaaaaaand that teaches me to not check the "1 new comment added" before I hit post. Sorry, Burn.

*contemplates making herself a Faux Loko*
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:11 AM on March 23, 2012

HEY BRO IT HAS CAFFEINE!
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 10:14 AM on March 23, 2012 [5 favorites]

Or you could just buy Four Loko and add caffeine, taurine, and guarana powder.

If you are going for that glorious "original" flavor.
posted by Revort at 10:14 AM on March 23, 2012

"while it lacks taurine, I think the phenylalanine will make up for it"

It's missing this one chemical compound I don't know anything about, but it has a different one I'm also clueless about, so it's all good!
posted by exogenous at 10:15 AM on March 23, 2012 [4 favorites]

I thought they had finally decided that the whole "sugar rush" thing was a myth, and that sugar, while providing energy to your body in a way, doesn't give you any special "upper" feeling. If that's the case, the kool-aid and the extra sugar is just for looks and (bad) taste, right?
posted by Curious Artificer at 10:16 AM on March 23, 2012

There's a John Lennon song just waiting to be repurposed for the ad campaign.
posted by yoink at 10:17 AM on March 23, 2012

This one time I tried Four Loko and the craziest thing that happened was that I got an enormous headache and felt like throwing up due to the taste which can best be described as metallic grape-flavored acid bath.
posted by naju at 10:18 AM on March 23, 2012

metallic grape-flavored acid bath.

Boy, that takes me back. I miss college.



And not having to wear this ankle-bracelet.
posted by elwoodwiles at 10:20 AM on March 23, 2012 [7 favorites]

It's missing this one chemical compound I don't know anything about, but it has a different one I'm also clueless about, so it's all good!

I somehow doubt that's a major concern to anyone that actually wants to consume this.
posted by ConstantineXVI at 10:21 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Reminds me of making Valium and Vodka milkshakes as a boy...
posted by TheCoug at 10:24 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

The last time I had Four Loko I was translocated from a party in Pilsen to the McDonald's on Chicago and State over three miles away. I recommend wearing a Ring of Teleport Control before consuming this beverage.
posted by theodolite at 10:25 AM on March 23, 2012 [20 favorites]

That is the worst McDonald's on earth.
posted by adamdschneider at 10:25 AM on March 23, 2012

That is the worst McDonald's on earth.

Regretfully my presence did not improve its ranking on that particular night
posted by theodolite at 10:27 AM on March 23, 2012 [15 favorites]

I totally want that UK energy pill. I wonder if it's sold in local pharmacies yet now that it's legal in the US.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:28 AM on March 23, 2012

I was at a liquor store that just opened up near where I lived last weekend, and one of the guys I was with, while checking out the refrigerator cases, spotted some Four Loko. He bolted over to it and turned over every single can for any sign of caffeine, in the hopes that this one shipment had fallen off of a truck two years ago or something and was "real" Four Loko. Sadly, his dreams were dashed that day and they were all new Four Loko. We had to make do with the Jameson from the Jameson tasting they were having that day. We discovered that one of the most popular whiskeys in the world does, in fact, taste the same from a tiny plastic cup as it does every other time we've had it.
posted by Copronymus at 10:29 AM on March 23, 2012

Getting drunk and wired sure looks complicated these days - less teeth-grindy and nose-bleedy, sure, but a lot more complex.
posted by Blue Meanie at 10:35 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ah yes, Four Loko. Lovely stuff. It got quite a bit of publicity here in Central New York thanks to this incident.

BTW I knew this young lady and worked with her mother, who was unconcerned about her daughter's underage drinking until this happened. The latter tried to use the very nature of Four Loko as a defense. Obviously, that didn't work.
posted by kinnakeet at 10:37 AM on March 23, 2012

God forbid people just drink a "Jack and Coke" to get caffeine + alcohol.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 10:39 AM on March 23, 2012 [4 favorites]

Jesus f'ing Christ. How did I never hear about this Four Loko abomination? It sounds like something Homer Simpson would make.
posted by Saxon Kane at 10:42 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Alcohol and caffeine: Because you really, really, really like to pee.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:43 AM on March 23, 2012 [20 favorites]

I didn't think it was possible to come up with more of an abomination than a Mint Julep.
posted by Mcable at 10:49 AM on March 23, 2012

I think the best thing about Faux Loko is probably its name.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:50 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Can you not just have any energy drink and any alcohol and have a reasonable substitute? When I was young and stupid it was tequila and Vivarin (once the source of black beauties dried up). Much chaos ensued.
posted by bongo_x at 10:50 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

The last time I drank Red Bull and vodka (this is at least six years ago, which ought to say something), I wound up so jittery from the caffeine and numbed from the booze that I was actually unable to hold a drink. Knocked two or three cocktails right over on the bar.

Don't think I'll be trying this.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:51 AM on March 23, 2012

I didn't think it was possible to come up with more of an abomination than a Mint Julep.

Spoken like someone who's never had a proper mint julep.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:55 AM on March 23, 2012 [13 favorites]

I had 1/3 of a Four Loko once and I felt LIKE A DEMI-GOD. I've still got a can in the fridge.
posted by Zerowensboring at 10:57 AM on March 23, 2012

I imagine that mint juleps are what angels drink. Every proper mint julep is one of mankind's greatest achievements. Right up there with the moon landing.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 10:58 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Seriously, what kind of mint juleps has Mcable been drinking? Mint juleps are fantastic.
posted by kenko at 11:01 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Great, now I want to find some Berroca and get this project grunted out...
posted by Old'n'Busted at 11:02 AM on March 23, 2012

i just have my man stanley kick me in the balls before i take a huff
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:06 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Try as you might, you can't beat the classics -- white crosses and Valium, followed by a moderate amount of beer. Enough white crosses to offset the Valium/beer combination, enough Valium to offset the amphetamine jitters and enough beer to get you through the evening.

People have been known to attempt a substitution of Tuinal for the Valium, but trust me, no good comes of that.
posted by UncleJoe at 11:07 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Wouldn't it be easier to just take ecstasy? Just the idea of mixing booze and phen/caffeine/gaurana (not to mention all the sugar) makes me want to heave preemptively.
posted by doctor_negative at 11:09 AM on March 23, 2012

From the article: Berocca is huge in the U.K. because it supports "mental sharpness" and "physical energy." How's it do that? In addition to being packed with vitamins, there's also a whopping dose of caffeine, and plenty of guarana and hard-to-pronounce mystery ingredients like phenylalanine.

This worried me, because Berocca is one of the tablets I gulp down every morning in a bleary-eyed effort to survive the day and I've never thought of it as a stimulant - instead, it's one of those things people use here to fight off hangovers and colds.

So I checked. From the box:

"Berocca is a tailored combination of B&C vitamins and essential minerals such as Magnesium & Zinc that helps you release your energy. Berocca is free from caffeine and artificial stimulants so offers a healthy way to help you feel on top form." Hrmm...
posted by emergent at 11:11 AM on March 23, 2012

Reading further, I'm an idiot and the article answers my questions. Future self: RTFA.
posted by emergent at 11:12 AM on March 23, 2012

Eyeahd wun ovdese anouragoandi feeeeeeel fuuuuckin fiyyyyne.
posted by lalochezia at 11:12 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think the best thing about Faux Loko is probably its name.

Faux is a french word, its got an "X" in it but you don't even pronounce the "X". How do you like that for prestigious?
posted by furiousxgeorge at 11:13 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

The Best Mint Julep Video on the internet.

(add in some Berocca and you're good to go: JuLoco)
posted by lemuring at 11:13 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Great, now I want to find some Berroca and get this project grunted out...

Same, sadly... Anyone know if you can find this stuff at a CVS or something in the US?
posted by inigo2 at 11:13 AM on March 23, 2012

Yeah, I was confused about the Berocca comments as well - in the ads they can claim that it gives a bit of a boost but not a total energy boost. It's not marketed in the same way as Pro Plus and Relentless and those other energy drinks.

I have the off-brand Boots version in my desk at work. It's vile, but worth taking if you're hungover.
posted by mippy at 11:15 AM on March 23, 2012

Also: I will swop you some Berocca for some Butterfingers.
posted by mippy at 11:16 AM on March 23, 2012

This worried me, because Berocca is one of the tablets I gulp down every morning in a bleary-eyed effort to survive the day and I've never thought of it as a stimulant - instead, it's one of those things people use here to fight off hangovers and colds.

This pretty much explains why dubstep started there.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 11:17 AM on March 23, 2012 [7 favorites]

The UK doesn't have Butterfingers? INCONCEIVABLE!
posted by sbutler at 11:17 AM on March 23, 2012

Just checked my tube - doesn't say anything about caffeine. It does, however, warn that too much has a laxative effect which I suppose is a given if one tablet has 833% of your RDA of Vitamin C.

Does it work to keep you awake? Taking quetiapine is like having a hangover every morning, and when I have tried pro-plus it does pretty much nothing. I must drink about six cups of tea a day at work.
posted by mippy at 11:20 AM on March 23, 2012

emergent, it's not you, it's the lousy author of this article who can't correctly read the label on the Berocca, much less use wikipedia to look up a couple of compounds. Berocca has aspartame which the body processes into phenylalanine to which some people are sensitive - it doesn't actually contain phenylalanine.
posted by exogenous at 11:25 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Real players swig Red Bull and Ouzo

Two horrific tastes that punch your nuts together.
posted by adamdschneider at 11:28 AM on March 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

Okay, seriously? This caffeine pill contains "phenylalanine" because it is sweetened with aspartame (nutrasweet). It is not present as a stand-alone ingredient any sort of mood enhancement. The mood enhancing properties of phenylalanine are just Wikipedia BS in any event. A serving of diet soda may contain say about 160 mg of aspartame 90 mg of which are phenylalanine, while a supplement sold for its bullshit nonexistant mood enhancing properties will typically contain 500 mg. So basically this person is just making shit up.

On preview what exogenous said.
posted by nanojath at 11:31 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

berocca boost is the version with caffeine and guarana.
posted by Harpocrates at 11:33 AM on March 23, 2012

Aspartame does contain the methyl ester of phenylalanine which your body breaks down to phenylalanine and methanol (I think that's an aspartame industry astroturf site but the basic chemistry and figures are accurate).
posted by nanojath at 11:34 AM on March 23, 2012

You kids and your girly drinks. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have my afternoon amyl nitrate and heroin pick me up.
posted by Splunge at 11:52 AM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'll stick with Bawls and Bacardi Limon. Because I'm a guy who loves the taste of Bawls.
posted by xedrik at 11:54 AM on March 23, 2012

The above is correct. You see "Contains Phenylalanine" on beverages so people with PKU know to avoid them.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 11:58 AM on March 23, 2012

Or you could just buy Four Loko and add caffeine, taurine, and guarana powder.

Or just crush a Berocca into a nouveau Four Loko.

I thought this was interesting because I never really considered how much booze is in a can of Four Loko (not that it was ever available for purchase in my country). A pint of malt liquor and 4 shots of vodka!
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 12:01 PM on March 23, 2012

The Best Mint Julep Video on the internet.

Thank you for that link. That was a lovely discourse on the history of the drink. It made me regret that for years I over-muddled the mint. Ah well. That guy is the bartender I want to be.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:02 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

i hate to come on here trying to sell something, but i'm in MN and have 4 12-packs of the old stuff saved in the garage. i bought it on speculation before they pulled it off the shelves. I think I have $100 invested if anyone is interested.
posted by thilmony at 12:09 PM on March 23, 2012

I'm waiting for someone to start marketing Buckfast in North America, because I still have too many teeth.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:12 PM on March 23, 2012

JuLoco

That's insensitive.
posted by me3dia at 12:15 PM on March 23, 2012

Buy yourself a 40oz, but DO NOT DRINK IT ALL YOURSELF.

Nice try, Dad!
posted by Hoopo at 12:22 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm waiting for someone to start marketing Buckfast in North America, because I still have too many teeth.

Pfft, if you have a Trader Joe's near you you can just pick up a bottle of Porto Morgado for $7 at 20% ABV, because, uh, that's what I do.
posted by adamdschneider at 12:24 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Of course you could just pour everclear into your coffee like a man.


like a real stupid man
posted by nanojath at 12:26 PM on March 23, 2012

(also: Crunk Juice)
posted by nanojath at 12:34 PM on March 23, 2012

TheWhiteSkull: I'm waiting for someone to start marketing Buckfast in North America, because I still have too many teeth.

Yeah, screw your Four/Faux Loco. Buckie is what you're after. Sometimes – like when you're at a music festival, the hospitality bar's all out of lukewarm cans of Strongbow, the vodka you smuggled in has been finished, the poppers are all gone and the only other option is Tennents' lager* – the bottle of Buckfast hidden in your mate's sock like a secondary piece is the only way to go.

*not that this is from personal experience at all, obv.
posted by Len at 12:38 PM on March 23, 2012

The point was not the caffeine, the point is one: the high alcohol content and two: the pretty artificial coloring makes it so it can be poured into a Big Gulp cup and enjoyed on public transportation with nobody the wiser.
posted by jonmc at 12:39 PM on March 23, 2012

Bonus: Ted Leo eulogy to Buckfast, live on The Sound Of Young America, no less.
posted by Len at 12:46 PM on March 23, 2012

Well, the point was kind of the caffeine.
posted by josher71 at 12:47 PM on March 23, 2012

Why they gotta go and put a nice place like Buckfast Abbey on a bottle of crappy booze?

Also LOLing at the wikipedia article, which features pictures of knocked-over empty bottles of Buckfast in parks and streets
posted by Hoopo at 12:55 PM on March 23, 2012

"Of course you could just pour everclear into your coffee like a man.


like a real stupid man"

My late uncle spent a hot summer afternoon watching SCCA Solo II autocrossing while he drank his latest concoction which we later named "The Amnesia", which is somkething like this:

Open a cold beer. Drink some. Now top off the open can of beer with Everclear. Repeat until you throw up in my car four or five times on the way home, then wake up with no memory of the day whatsoever.

Also, die at 40 of liver failure.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:04 PM on March 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

doctor_negative: "Wouldn't it be easier to just take ecstasy?"

Probably safer too.
posted by Apropos of Something at 1:08 PM on March 23, 2012

Metafilter: just for looks and (bad) taste, right?
posted by herbplarfegan at 1:13 PM on March 23, 2012

What a waste of time. You can quickly get the Four Loko experience by smashing yourself over the head with a brick.

Just one brick, though! Don't overdo it!
posted by orme at 1:37 PM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

I could never like Four Loko. Apart from the taste, the effect is not so good. It could never compare to the alcohol/vitamins/protein/alcohol drink from my childhood.

I have relatives in the lowlands who grow sugarcane. Part of their payment from the mill comes in the shape of 100 pound sacks of sugar and gallon jugs of food grade cane alcohol. They trade some of it with my relatives who have dairy cows in the sierra for cheese and cream.

This is how my relatives in the sierra do quality control for the milk.

0- Wake up at 4:30 in the morning after a night of drinking.
1- Take an old soup can.
2- Add 2 scoops of instant coffee.
3- Add 2 spoonfuls of cane sugar.
4- Add a finger of cane alcohol.
5- Milk the cow directly into the cup.
6- Gulp down the warm brown frothy liquid.
7- Repeat for every cow.
8- Be back in bed by sunrise.

My relatives have never been able to expand their business over 9 cows each.

I had this many times as a kid when I went to visit, and as a grown up visiting my father we would get them from the family next door, who are smart enough to milk their cows at 1:00 p.m. on Sundays.

Four Loko is inferior to this drink in every possible way.
posted by Ayn Rand and God at 2:03 PM on March 23, 2012 [8 favorites]

The Loko's just for the ride home. If I sit down for a drink, it's my bar's "Redneck Picnic," which is a shot of JD and a can of Bud.
posted by jonmc at 2:18 PM on March 23, 2012

and you have a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster

This is actually a cocktail served at a bar called Zaphod Beeblebrox in Ottawa. That bar is kind of an institution there.
posted by Hoopo at 2:47 PM on March 23, 2012

I recommend wearing a Ring of Teleport Control before consuming this beverage.

(Q)uaff mauve potion.. "Yecch! This stuff tastes like poison."
(Q)uaff dark green potion.. "Yecch! This stuff tastes like poison."
(Q)uaff fizzy potion.. "Yecch! This stuff tastes like poison."
(Q)uaff cyan potion.. "Yecch! This stuff tastes like poison."
(Q)uaff murky potion.. "Yecch! This stuff tastes like poison."

You die...

Do you want your possessions identified? [ynq] (Y)

A) Green Polo Shirt +0
B) Empty Four Loko Can
C) Empty Four Loko Can
D) Empty Four Loko Can
E) Empty Four Loko Can
F) Empty Four Loko Can
G) Full Four Loko Can
H) Full Four Loko Can
I) Your Parents Eternal Shame
posted by FatherDagon at 3:38 PM on March 23, 2012 [5 favorites]

My friend Egan once went to the emergency room after drinking a pot of coffee he'd made using caffeinated water.

He'd probably appreciate having this recipe.

I'm not going to be the one responsible for sending him this link.
posted by Graygorey at 8:11 PM on March 23, 2012

Why not just drink cheap vodka and take a viveran?
posted by delmoi at 8:34 PM on March 23, 2012

The FauxLoko recipe appears to have been written by Kenji Lopez-Alt's evil mirror universe twin.
posted by zamboni at 10:04 AM on March 24, 2012