Would to God I had never opened your loathsome missive or any of the others!

April 20, 2012 11:08 AM

H. P. Lovecraft answers your relationship questions.
posted by Lou Stuells (27 comments total)

You know, it's funny, but it's really shitty of the author to use all those old AskMetafilter questions without attribution.
posted by griphus at 11:14 AM on April 20, 2012 [6 favorites]

Nice try griphus but for these to be AskMe relationship questions they'd need to be at least seven times longer.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:15 AM on April 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

I love the Bygone Bureau. Smart, entertaining writing. I especially enjoyed the Fear & Gaming series.
posted by Doleful Creature at 11:16 AM on April 20, 2012

I tekeli li'ed my pants. So funny.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:17 AM on April 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

I wonder if, 50 years from now, Stephen King will be the new HP Lovecraft.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:17 AM on April 20, 2012

DTGOOA
posted by barnacles at 11:19 AM on April 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Back in college, I created an advice column for the campus underground/satire paper, written by JD Salinger. The twist was that decades ago, Salinger had actually attended my college and written for the campus paper, so I used out-of-context quotes from his actual columns. Just thought I'd share.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:20 AM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Very McSweeney'sesque.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:23 AM on April 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

I wonder if, 50 years from now, Stephen King will be the new HP Lovecraft.
posted by KokuRyu at 14:17 on April 20 [+] [!]

I'd expect that whoever the Lovecraft or Kafka is of this age is, they're currently suffering in reticent misery with few fans and little recognition, unlike Mr. King.
posted by Algebra at 11:25 AM on April 20, 2012 [8 favorites]

Dear Concerned Lady,

ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

Yrs most cordially & sincerely, – HPL.
posted by Fizz at 11:29 AM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Needs more icecream and cats.
posted by Artw at 11:36 AM on April 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

the answer to everything would be "entertain daydreams that you are a 18th century gentleman and all will be well."
posted by The Whelk at 11:37 AM on April 20, 2012 [4 favorites]

...then die of cancer.
posted by Artw at 11:44 AM on April 20, 2012

I suspect Lovecraft's relationship advice would be to avoid cool air and "Negroes".
posted by KokuRyu at 12:14 PM on April 20, 2012 [7 favorites]

Have sex with him, then kill him and eat him. Save the head.
posted by Nomyte at 12:15 PM on April 20, 2012

I'm not sure if that's a Kate Beaton illo, or just wishes it was. The request made in the final response seemed a bit too MeFi-esque to resist, though.
posted by Lou Stuells at 12:30 PM on April 20, 2012

"I thought you’d never ask. Really, how many hints must a fellow drop? Meet me by the cenotaph at midnight, and bring a banjo."

As always, the difference is banjo.
posted by Gygesringtone at 12:38 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ia! Ia! Abigail Van F'taghn!
posted by Shepherd at 12:49 PM on April 20, 2012

YOU FOOL, CARTER, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH WARREN IS DEAD!
posted by Artw at 1:42 PM on April 20, 2012 [8 favorites]

The Onion had a pretty funny version of this idea. "Ask a ", the columns were called. I think my favorite was "Ask a Navy Seal."
posted by Edgewise at 2:15 PM on April 20, 2012

I wonder if, 50 years from now, Stephen King will be the new HP Lovecraft.

No.
posted by New England Cultist at 2:49 PM on April 20, 2012 [4 favorites]

I wonder if, 50 years from now, Stephen King will be the new HP Lovecraft.

No.
posted by New England Cultist at 2:49 PM on April 20 [+] [!]

Dig that crazy eponysteria!

Srsly, though, while King has acknowledged his debt to Lovecraft on numerous occasions, they're very different writers. Not only is the typical King character usually much more absorbed by the details of mundane life until the big bad/evil force drags them out of it, they're also usually much more connected to people than your typical Lovecraft character, who is usually a bit of a loner even before their contact with Things That Man Was Not Meant To See.
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:02 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

IMO one of Lovecraft's greatest merits was that he never actually used characters; he couldn't let such piddling artefacts get in the way of his cosmic landscape. The very satirical conceit of the comic is the fact that HPL's worldview was set to a resolution so vast that people aren't even so much as pixels. When you've got something like that to convey, you don't need a 27-page soliloquy about that time outside the malt shop on Main St. when Jimmy Hawkins' crashed his cherry apple Schwinn into Old Man Hanlon's new truck and lost his Mickey Mantle baseball card aw shucks!
posted by Kandarp Von Bontee at 7:33 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

I feel like this would have been stronger if the questions were "straight".
posted by smoke at 7:34 PM on April 20, 2012

It was a Sandy Koufax card, I believe.
posted by Occula at 8:52 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would so enjoy an advice column from Robert E. Howard. His and HPL's would be as day and night to each other.
posted by Apocryphon at 10:56 AM on April 21, 2012

The HP Lovecraft Literary Podcast, who I link to far too much, just did a great 2 part live show on The Challenge from Beyond, a round robin that Lovecraft took part in, and the transition from a Lovecraft protagonist to a Howard protagonist is AWESOME.
posted by Artw at 12:25 PM on April 21, 2012 [1 favorite]