You can’t hurt babies or old people!

September 8, 2012 9:00 AM

A history of Nerf violence.
posted by Horace Rumpole (40 comments total)

I'm surprised they don't feature a picture of the Maverick, which has got to be one of if not the most popular Nerf weapons of all time. They've been available for years and they're still on the market.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:15 AM on September 8, 2012 [2 favorites]

Many nerf guns use air pressure to shoot darts. This one spits them out between a pair of battery-operated flywheels spinning at 18,000 rpm.

So it's a Jugs machine...
posted by nathancaswell at 9:21 AM on September 8, 2012

I have the Recon, which (delightfully) goes from a hefty pistol to a reasonably full-size rifle. The cats alternately love it and hate it. I have many darts with fang-marks, and the smarter cat bolts when she hears me cocking it.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:25 AM on September 8, 2012 [2 favorites]

"A History of Nerf Violence" was Cronenberg's masterpiece. Viggo Mortensen plays a grown up diner owner who gets sucked back into a game of capture the flag he thought he'd abandoned when he was twelve.
posted by R. Schlock at 9:28 AM on September 8, 2012 [4 favorites]

I remember the first time I picked up a Maverick at a party and realized we could play Russian Roulette. Good times.
posted by buriednexttoyou at 9:39 AM on September 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

We used to have a bunch of Mavericks at a startup I worked at. I fondly recall the fiendish joy I'd have finding one on my chair or stuck to my tower in the morning. Because that afternoon, that was one more round that no one knew I had.
posted by chemoboy at 9:50 AM on September 8, 2012

“For crotch-swingin’, crotch-battin’ action, it’s Nerf™ Crotchbat or it’s nothing.”
posted by migurski at 9:52 AM on September 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

If one wanted to have say an All-Nerf weapon free for all with a balance between ranged and melee, what would one be looking for?
posted by The Whelk at 9:59 AM on September 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

I found a nerf pistol in the garbage a couple of weeks back, and decided to paint it up. This started something: I then grabbed three more (under $10 each) with a view to painting them up too. I've now spent far more on paint than on guns to paint, mind...
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 10:01 AM on September 8, 2012

I keep telling my girlfriend if she really loved me, she'd buy me this (so I can do this).

SPOILER ALERT: She doesn't really love me.
posted by Rangeboy at 10:10 AM on September 8, 2012 [4 favorites]

My three year old came home from the park one day.

"Daddy, can I have a Nerf gun?"

"No, we don't play with guns in this house." How does he even know what a Nerf gun is? He doesn't watch TV, we don't go to toy stores, and all his friends are the children of similarly joyless politically correct hippies like us. I guess there are some older kids that have epic battles at the neighborhood park and my son just wants to play with the older boys.

"Why don't we play with guns?"

"Because real guns hurt people and we don't think it's fun to pretend to hurt our friends..."blah, blah, blah....

"But I want one."

This goes on for a while as I try my best to ignore him or change the subject. Finally I resort to "You can't have one because you're too young. The man at the store won't sell you one."

"How hold do you have to be?"

"Much older."

"Eight?"

"Yes, eight." Daddy's trying read Metafilter and the boy will forget about this tomorrow.

It's been about three months and I don't think a day has gone by yet that I haven't heard "When I'm eight, I'm getting a Nerf gun." He's made sure he's told his friends, teachers, grandparents and cousins. He's done his research with the older kids at the park and knows exactly which gun he wants and he runs around pretending to have, not a real gun, but a Nerf gun.

Next I am going to teach him that rock and roll is the devil's music, that he should never ever have premarital sex, and that all drugs are BAD BAD BAD. You have to be firm with kids early, otherwise they'll develop a fascination with the things you don't want them to have.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:13 AM on September 8, 2012 [5 favorites]

Child #1's first action upon discovering a Nerf gun (which was either going to or coming from the office, I forget) was to pick it up and shoot Child #2, who was at that time inside mummy's belly. It's a natural sibling instinct.
posted by Artw at 10:26 AM on September 8, 2012 [2 favorites]

If one wanted to have say an All-Nerf weapon free for all with a balance between ranged and melee, what would one be looking for?

I'm a traditionalist, so I would go first for the small sword and shield for close-in work, a back-slung long sword for standoff capability (seriously, nerf swords are awesome - surprisingly great heft and balance) and then I am damned fond of my Recon. I'd just bring the base gun, the extended barrel (for range) and as many extra clips I could jam onto my person.

Certainly if you're doing something like capture the flag where area denial is a consideration, I'd take a look at this fully-automatic, belt-fed, tripod-mounted piece of ridiculousness. But I was always a rogue at heart, so I'd let someone else man it.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:28 AM on September 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

That wasn't a bad half-article. Anyone know when they plan to finish it? It just kinda
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 10:36 AM on September 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

Certainly if you're doing something like capture the flag where area denial is a consideration, I'd take a look at this fully-automatic, belt-fed, tripod-mounted piece of ridiculousness. But I was always a rogue at heart, so I'd let someone else man it.

Previously
posted by Artw at 10:37 AM on September 8, 2012

There is also a Gatling gun of some kind, not finding it at the moment.
posted by Artw at 10:37 AM on September 8, 2012

Guns, shmuns. This was the best Nerf toy ever.
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:58 AM on September 8, 2012 [3 favorites]

"No, we don't play with guns in this house."

My parents tried that with me and my younger brothers, so we made our own pretend guns by using pencils and cloth pins (three for the handle, one for the trigger). Every boy and most guns will go through a gun phase; some never get out of it...
posted by MartinWisse at 11:11 AM on September 8, 2012

I'm still waiting for Nerf to revive the Nerfuls character line, but as a G.I. Joe-like squad of faux-gritty action hero types who could double as ammo for the Nerf ball-blasters.
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:17 AM on September 8, 2012

Ah, found the Gatling gun...

Off brand alert!
posted by Artw at 11:51 AM on September 8, 2012

For some reason, I had the Nerf fencing set. But I had a Ghostbuster gun that shot foam pellets...poorly.
posted by Artnchicken at 12:18 PM on September 8, 2012

Every boy and most guns will go through a gun phase; some never get out of it...

"Ravi, next time you see those boys, why don't you pick some flowers to stick in the barrels of their guns? That would be 'cool'."
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:32 PM on September 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was busy giving my baby brother shit for collecting Nerf guns. I mean come on, he's 27! Then I felt guilty and agreed to let him demo them for me. Oh my god. They are amazing, they go for miles! We ended up chasing my mother with them, and I shot him in face and it rebounded and hit me in the eye! Yay!

I ended up running out straight away and buying the adorable, concealable, Jolt Ex-1. I kinda want a maverick too, I am a thirtysomething woman.
posted by Iteki at 1:36 PM on September 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

Dear Ask Me: What kind of substance could you put at the end of a Nerf Jolt Ex-1 bolt that would cause numbness or unconsciousness upon contact with the skin? It's for ...a book.
posted by The Whelk at 2:28 PM on September 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

It's embarrassing how many of those I have owned over the years. In fact, we amassed quite an arsenal at my last job. The bazookas held their charge for a surprisingly long time, allowing for sneak attacks with a two foot long foam dong missile.
posted by backseatpilot at 4:34 PM on September 8, 2012

What kind of substance could you put at the end of a Nerf Jolt Ex-1 bolt that would cause numbness or unconsciousness upon contact with the skin? It's for ...a book.

Do these Nerf bolts smell like chloroform to you?
posted by Ritchie at 5:00 PM on September 8, 2012

Not-nerf Batman gun.
posted by Artw at 5:09 PM on September 8, 2012

I had the Nerf Bow and Arrow. It was pretty fantastic and had decent range for the time. My younger brothers both had different dart guns and, though they could hold more ammo, neither had the range of the bow and arrow.

Looking at the Hail-Fire...well...I need to adopt a child so I can convince my wife that I'm not just buying it for myself.
posted by asnider at 6:49 PM on September 8, 2012

Man I had that nerf crossbow and I was the shit around the house. That thing was sooo much fun. Violent toys hurting kids be damned. That sucker was fun.
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:04 PM on September 8, 2012

Is this the right place to talk about the Super Soaker 50 and the veritable playground arms race that it triggered?
posted by cacofonie at 7:53 PM on September 8, 2012 [2 favorites]

cacofonie: "Is this the right place to talk about the Super Soaker 50 and the veritable playground arms race that it triggered"

Perhaps, but I can safely say my house finished the arms race after developing nuclear weaponry: we managed to replace the bottle with a garden hose, thus tapping into a much larger, endless pressure reservoir than competing neighbor children. The hose length was a bit Evangelion, but it kept HQ well protected =)
posted by pwnguin at 9:16 PM on September 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

Wow, I can't believe they didn't even mention the Nerf Crotch Bat. So much better then boring old regular crotch bats.
posted by ShawnStruck at 10:15 PM on September 8, 2012

we managed to replace the bottle with a garden hose

Dude...if you've already got the hose...attaching it to a super soaker is just lil-gildiing...
posted by Chekhovian at 11:31 PM on September 8, 2012

Man, I just realized would totally read a history of the squirt gun/water gun, especially if the last chapter was about the future of squirt guns. If it covered nerf guns, squirt guns, waterballoons and snowball throwers, I think it could outsell Gun germs and steel.
posted by gryftir at 4:44 AM on September 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

I love that the Nerf offices don't have ceilings (thus enabling the firing of darts from room to room). I wonder if that's on purpose or just a pleasant side effect.
posted by ErWenn at 7:47 AM on September 9, 2012

I must say, the Vortex Proton (the last gun pictured) is the perfect weapon for killing spiders in high places! The discs are surprisingly accurate. Listen, I, too, was a true believer and belonged to the "catch and release program" until they waged war on my children!!
posted by jeffmac at 7:55 AM on September 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is this the right place to talk about the Super Soaker 50 and the veritable playground arms race that it triggered?

Oh we had those too. We also had a mechanical engineer uncle and a farm as a playground. Came home from school one day to find a rack of pumped hand sprayers modified with nozzles that shot a 1/32" stream nearly 50-feet. That ... that was a very wet summer.
posted by nathan_teske at 12:43 PM on September 9, 2012

Hex3 hack will power next gen nerf guns.
posted by lightweight at 8:44 PM on September 9, 2012

Dude...if you've already got the hose...attaching it to a super soaker is just lil-gildiing...

C'mon, everyone knows that the hose is the neighborhood equivalent of deploying the nuclear option. Game over.

The only winning move is not to play.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:18 AM on September 10, 2012

Well, the problem with the hose is one of distance and accuracy, and tired thumbs. Attaching the soaker solves all three problems in one simple attachment.
posted by pwnguin at 2:46 PM on September 10, 2012