What to do in 5773

September 13, 2012 11:53 AM

Dr. Ruth, Shmuley Boteach, Mayim Bialik, Shalom Auslander, and 23 more on ensuring a meaningful year.

Jonathan Goldstein, frequent contributor, This American Life

In my early 20s, I was in a spoken-word band. I performed a piece about a pirate trying to steal my penis, and another about defecating out a racing horse on a first date. That kind of thing.

My best friend Howard was the drummer, and just before our first actual show, standing there on stage about to start, I turned to him and said, off mic, “I love you, man” to which Howard replied, “What’re you, Prince?”

That cured me of the spontaneous I-love-you’s for a good many years, but it’s something I miss and would like to re-instate because, as awkward as it can be to say such a thing, having someone die and never getting to say it at all is worse.

I need to start slipping them in somehow, like insurance. At the end of phone conversations might be a safe bet.

“I love you.”

“What?”

But it’ll be too late. I’ll have already hung up, and they won’t be able to do a thing about it.

posted by latkes (28 comments total)

Say "scrotum" a lot.
posted by Nomyte at 12:06 PM on September 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

Except for Daniel Okrent, what a lousy list of all-stars. Maybe Stanley Fish is OK, but I thought he died years ago.
posted by Yakuman at 12:10 PM on September 13, 2012

Man, I can't believe it's almost 5773. I just got used to writing "72" whenever I had to write a date.
posted by LSK at 12:16 PM on September 13, 2012 [12 favorites]

Except for Daniel Okrent, what a lousy list of all-stars.

In post-WWII Palestine, Dr. Ruth snipes you.
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:21 PM on September 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

So, since I'm not Jewish, what does this mean for me?
posted by Old'n'Busted at 12:29 PM on September 13, 2012

So, since I'm not Jewish, what does this mean for me?

It's the Jewish New Year. So probably nothing.
posted by elsietheeel at 12:39 PM on September 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Cripes, I hate these sites that

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posted by hal9k at 12:40 PM on September 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

I like what Dr. Ruth had to say. Yesterday I was observing a woman, her friend, and her young daughter all eating dinner at the restaurant we were at. Not ONE of them were talking with each other. The two women were each on their iphones texting or doing something and the little girl was eating and coloring.

I found that profoundly sad as my husband was pretty much doing the same while me and my toddler were talking about how bad his feet smelled.

True story.
posted by stormpooper at 12:41 PM on September 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

I found that profoundly sad as my husband was pretty much doing the same while me and my toddler were talking about how bad his feet smelled.

Husband's or toddler's?!
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:49 PM on September 13, 2012 [5 favorites]

Nice find. I didn't know about Tablet, but I'm going to give more of their articles a read.
posted by Lighthammer at 12:51 PM on September 13, 2012

So, since I'm not Jewish, what does this mean for me?

It's the Jewish New Year. So probably nothing.

And if you were Jewish, you'd be reading this, thinking "oh that's what I kept forgetting about" and then promptly continue to forget about it.
posted by griphus at 12:59 PM on September 13, 2012 [7 favorites]

So, since I'm not Jewish, what does this mean for me?

That's up to you, isn't it? I assume non-Jews experience years just as much as Jews do. Imagine that you saw this posted on December 31st if it's really that confounding.

Also, I liked this part from the article:

The first time I celebrated Rosh Hashanah was when I was a busy city reporter in my twenties and received an inopportune jury summons from the Philadelphia courts to serve that day. I had no idea then about my Catholic family’s secret Sephardic Jewish identity, but citing the holiday helped me escape duty for the moment. The Philadelphia courts knew something I obviously didn’t. They sent a new summons for Dec. 24. I served.

I'm also a bit surprised that the Philly courts have jury selection on 12/24 at all. I want to believe...
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:04 PM on September 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Wait...Dr. Ruth is STILL ALIVE???
posted by briank at 1:06 PM on September 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

it's all the sex, briank
posted by slater at 1:08 PM on September 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

No matter how much you love your phone, it will never hold your hand or make your heart flutter.

Just you wait until the iPhone 6, good Dr.!
posted by perhapses at 1:27 PM on September 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

The lesson of an 84 year old living Dr. Ruth isn't that sex will keep you alive to an old age but that good sex probably will.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:08 PM on September 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Dr. Ruth is not only still alive, she single-handedly makes Twitter worthwhile.
posted by jbickers at 2:09 PM on September 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

I just had to make sure Jonathan Goldstein wasn't in King Missile
posted by mike_bling at 2:32 PM on September 13, 2012

At this, at least, I'm way ahead of Shalom Auslander. In college, I regularly made it through Rosh Hashanah all the way to Yom Kippur blissfully ignorant of the whole thing. Without fail, o. Yom Kippur, I'd run into the same (Catholic) professor, who would point out to me, as I was scarfing down a snack bar cheeseburger on the way to a class, that it was, in fact, the day of atonement. Even though I hadn't attended services since I was fifteen, without fail, the guilt would rise up, and the cheeseburger would sit there, in my hand, half eaten, mocking me.

Now, of course, there's Facebook and all the L'shanah Tovahning you can shake a stick at.
posted by Ghidorah at 2:34 PM on September 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

L'shanah Tovah!

Dr. Ruth is where it's at.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:11 PM on September 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm not of the tribe, but I just had to comment on the beauty of Goldstein's suggestion. Especially compared to Mayim Bialik's, which was, in short, "I gotta go to Israel this year."
posted by aureliobuendia at 3:27 PM on September 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Well, Live Long and Prosper to all Jewish MeFites!
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 4:34 PM on September 13, 2012

Some years ago she apparently heard about an amateur theater production at an acting school here in downtown New York. It was a kind of Palestinian / Israeli Romeo and Juliet. She issued a press release without solicitation, saying that she would be attending the opening. She sat through the whole thing, including the climactic scene between the lovers, when a prop army radio started beeping on stage, and none of the cast could frantically figure out which prop was beeping, while the actors muddled through.

She went to the after party, and talked to everyone that wanted to talk to her, expressing her support for the theme of the play. Some people would approach her and ask sincere sexual questions and she answered them all compassionately and enthusiastically. It might not come off this way on TV, but she actually is quite sexy herself. I got her phone number, but we never hooked up.
posted by StickyCarpet at 4:45 PM on September 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

My Mom knew a guy known as 'Max The Terrorist' he was in the same outfit as Dr. Ruth.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 4:58 PM on September 13, 2012

Ugh Shmuley
posted by Zerowensboring at 5:10 PM on September 13, 2012

Fyvush Finkel is still alive? My day just got a bit better.
posted by atomicstone at 7:19 PM on September 13, 2012

"So, since I'm not Jewish, what does this mean for me?"
No apples and honey for you, sweetie!
posted by TDavis at 9:10 PM on September 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

hal9k, if there's no "single page" option, there's usually a "print" option, which in this case gets around the irritating click-fest of which you speak.
posted by Cheezitsofcool at 9:17 AM on September 14, 2012