Fast Train, I Am On A Fast Train

September 28, 2012 2:45 PM

"I'm pretty happy. I think we've almost got our house together now. We just need, like, a coupla lamps, maybe a nice piece of photography to hang, and we'll pretty much be there. So, yeah. I guess we're gonna make some pasta now and watch HuluPlus."
posted by eric1halfb (47 comments total)

So, wait, the only alternative to urban upper-middle-class banality that our narrator can imagine is -- recreational drugs?

Leaving aside the issue that all that wine they drink isn't exactly grape juice, this guy must have been deadly boring even when he was an undomesticated dudebro burning out his sinuses with nosecandy. I can think of a lot of things I would do if I was a single man without kids again, but getting hammered all the time is pretty far down the list.

If the subtle point of the series is that life will be utterly pointless no matter what you do if you're a shallow unimaginative pill, then well done. But I suspect that, tragically, it's not.
posted by xthlc at 3:01 PM on September 28, 2012 [6 favorites]

i don't get it.
posted by proneSMK at 3:05 PM on September 28, 2012

Fuck Two Boots. Cajun Shrimp or Crawfish on a pizza? That is a mockery of the pizza artisans that went before you. You don't see Jiro suddenly put clam sauce or blackened catfish on his sushi do you? Have some respect for the cullinary institution of pizza.

That pillow and trash can are pretty sweet though. Good job with those.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:05 PM on September 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

When does this guy start Fight Club? Because I'm really bored right now.
posted by lumpenprole at 3:07 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Hell, Hulu Plus is basically a drug in and of itself, and you can't tell me that just looking at that crazy crocheted pillow is like all the tripping on all the hallucinogens ever made.

Seriously, I don't understand what's wrong with the richness of the tapestry of that young man's life. He has that lovely young red-haired woman to walk down the halls of time with him, he has a rocking trash can and the crocheted pillow and the epic tales of their acquisition. They go to the flea market and have tiny adventures.

Life IS tiny adventures once you stop having the delusion that living like a rock star is the only goal. And even rock stars, I'll wager, have tiny adventures about trash cans and going to the flea market. Life is those moments, like me sitting here in my living room with the rain whispering in the leaves outside and the smell of early autumn while I figure out how to find a policeman to validate that I got my headlight fixed from the warning ticket I got yesterday.

It's not a less authentic existence just because it is much less full of drama and the heaves.

Also that is a magical trashcan and if I bought one like that I'd make songs about it. Who needs drugs when you can make songs about trashcans?
posted by winna at 3:08 PM on September 28, 2012 [33 favorites]

I've been working on a joke about how "Ennui" is a french name, but I haven't quite got it yet.
posted by jepler at 3:09 PM on September 28, 2012

I laughed, does being the only one to enjoy this expose me as something?
posted by ~Bert at 3:13 PM on September 28, 2012 [7 favorites]

That pretty much sums up Pasadena, eh? Just ask Wil Wheaton.
posted by HuronBob at 3:19 PM on September 28, 2012

~Bert I think we just both understand it's supposed to be comedic.
posted by TangerineGurl at 3:20 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm on metafilter and what is comedy?1?~@!!@
posted by Ad hominem at 3:24 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

"And even rock stars, I'll wager, have tiny adventures about trash cans and going to the flea market."

Trying to picture Mick Jagger browsing trash cans at a flea market.

"I laughed, does being the only one to enjoy this expose me as something?"

Someone who appreciates a little schadenfreude, maybe? (I laughed too.)
posted by Bartonius at 3:38 PM on September 28, 2012

Trying to picture Mick Jagger browsing trash cans at a flea market.

Maybe not. But how about David Bowie donning a cowboy hat to go shopping at a Chinatown grocery?
posted by Doktor Zed at 3:44 PM on September 28, 2012 [5 favorites]

If they want less banality, they should have some kids.

Then they can be nostalgic for the days when, after the last DVD of season 2 of Portlandia show up, they could put a coupla glasses of wine -- red wine!! -- on the goddamned coffee table like normal goddamned adults and watch some TV without having to catch it before it falls over when the toddler bursts in screaming about whatever the hell is going on inside its weird little mind this minute (a totally different thing than was going on in its mind last minute, for sure).

They'd still miss the drugs, though.
posted by Fraxas at 3:44 PM on September 28, 2012 [6 favorites]

Once I calmed down about Two Boots I watched some more and I found them entertaining.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:45 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Trying to picture Mick Jagger browsing trash cans at a flea market."

How about Mick and Keith working in a shop? From Stella Street (links to S01E01).
posted by marienbad at 3:50 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I laughed, does being the only one to enjoy this expose me as something?

Yeah, maybe one has to be a middle-class white girl who had wild days in college but is now getting up early to go to garage sales.

Of course middle-class domesticity is a rich tapestry of experiences. But drugs, man.
posted by muddgirl at 3:50 PM on September 28, 2012

I'm jealous. They have actual flea markets, and their state's blue-laws don't prohibit sales of wine at grocery stores. Plus: a decent place to get records.
posted by hellojed at 3:53 PM on September 28, 2012

I just wish I could get my husband to go to the flea market with me or care about the throw pillows. (He did pick out our rockin' coat rack though.) On Saturday mornings, when I want to shop, he taunts me with promises of yard work that incessantly goes undone. That's probably in the next episode.
posted by Kronur at 4:02 PM on September 28, 2012

Yeah having money and a wife must suck.
posted by You Guys Like 2 Party? at 4:03 PM on September 28, 2012 [6 favorites]

They don't just have "actual flea Market" they have the World Famous Rose Bowl Flea Market
posted by HuronBob at 4:03 PM on September 28, 2012

I used to miss drugs. I still do, but i used to, too.

Also, I own the same trashcan. totally worth it.
posted by freq at 4:20 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

what I'm trying to figure out is if this is post ironic, post post ironic, or merely ironic.
posted by TMezz at 4:22 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

This should be called: Twitter ... The Movie
posted by any major dude at 4:24 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

1. How on Earth can you watch TV (Hulu) without marijuana?

2. Wine is a drug

3. Sex is often better without drugs

4. This series might as well been called "I MISSED KIDS"

5. There's enough of a joke here for maybe 1 video, but not 4

I just wish I could get my husband to go to the flea market with me or care about the throw pillows.

NEVER
posted by mrgrimm at 4:31 PM on September 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

Throw pillows are just a gateway drug, man. You think, hey, that is an attractive hand-stitched pillow with a tree on it! It will set off the bright blue of my dining room chairs! And then you realize that your side tables don't fit with the overall theme, and your curtains are bland and uninspired. Then you wake up one morning in your bed, completely surrounded by occasional tables and Sheffield candlesticks!

It's a dark road.
posted by winna at 4:40 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

In episode five he stares, unblinking, at the floor, quietly thinking "that rug really ties the room together."
posted by Wordshore at 5:00 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I really like this. There's a gentle humour to it that - for a certain segment of the audience, by which I mean me - cuts *so* close to the bone it hurts. And it only gets worse. It's not really 'I miss drugs' so much as 'I miss being younger' and... well. Just wait till these people hit 40.
posted by motty at 5:12 PM on September 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

But how about David Bowie donning a cowboy hat to go shopping at a Chinatown grocery?
posted by Doktor Zed

Consider that he has (had?) a loft two blocks from there.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:41 PM on September 28, 2012

If drugs don't teach you to really start looking at all the stuff you've been missing and see it for the first time, you're using the wrong drugs.
posted by Twang at 5:47 PM on September 28, 2012

Wine is a drug

I don't think it's very accurate to compare the cultural aspects of illegal drugs to the cultural aspects of legal drugs. The message of these videos isn't "I miss the mental state of being high."
posted by muddgirl at 6:15 PM on September 28, 2012

Can anyone recommend what drugs I should try before I settle down? Should I go for breadth, just try it all,or focus in one type and go for depth, like try every opiate. TIA. Would this be better on AskMe?
posted by Ad hominem at 6:15 PM on September 28, 2012

Can anyone recommend what drugs I should try before I settle down?

Does one of your parameters include which type/class of drug is easiest to clean up on, should your experiment run amok and send you to rehab?
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 6:38 PM on September 28, 2012

ahem

Is this something I would have to have done drugs to understand?
posted by silby at 7:29 PM on September 28, 2012

Um, I ate pasta and watched Hulu today. I guess I'm doing 'being single' wrong.
posted by bquarters at 8:32 PM on September 28, 2012

So banal it is difficult to conjure up enough energy to hate, which I have to admit is a sort of achievement.
posted by fullerine at 8:36 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

You don't need to get up early to find Rumours on vinyl.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 9:16 PM on September 28, 2012

It's not really 'I miss drugs' so much as 'I miss being younger' and... well. Just wait till these people hit 40.

I dunno, I'm 48 and I don't really feel like I'm missing anything I used to have. Well, except for some health issues, since things seemed to start going to shit when I hit 40. But what could I do at 40 that I can't do now? I can go to clubs, I can dance and listen to music, I can have lovely sex (and the sex I'm having now is SO much better than it was at 30), I can do all sorts of things and I'm sane enough now to more or less enjoy them . . . hell, I'm back in school full-time again at 48. I never had much in the way of looks, so I'm not too distraught about losing them.

So what's so great about being younger?
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 10:23 PM on September 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

They seem like they have a pretty good life.
posted by nanojath at 10:45 PM on September 28, 2012

Metafilter: So banal it is difficult to conjure up enough energy to hate, which I have to admit is a sort of achievement.
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 11:45 PM on September 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

They seem like they have a pretty good life.

Yes. That is called "irony."
posted by muddgirl at 5:46 AM on September 29, 2012

Can anyone recommend what drugs I should try before I settle down?

This is safe, standard advice: no pills, no powders.

Unless you're something of a pharmacist you won't know what you're getting in to, and to do some pills & powders to best effect is (at times) an inherently risky business. You can start out with bud, mushrooms, and experiment with mixing alcohol and bud. The latter combination could make you sick; drink the alcohol in modest volumes.

Start out doing things in a safe environment, at least until you know how you react and whether you tend to become anxious or something while under the influence. And don't pay more than sixty dollars per eighth-ounce of bud unless it has a name that tempts you down the garden path.

If you smoke bud at home, consider brewing some coffee. It creates a nice ambient smell, and one can suppress the inevitable munchies (that enemy of the buzz) by drinking strong black coffee with a little sweetened condensed milk stirred in.

Or, like, that's what I've heard. Have fun and be safe.
posted by mr. digits at 7:07 AM on September 29, 2012

Drug advice for those who haven't ever experimented?
1. No drugs you have to jab new holes in your body to use.
2. You stood up to peer pressure long enough to not try them now, don't start succumbing to peer pressure when it comes to your dosages (aka don't let some asshole push you too far, aka don't do drugs with assholes).
3. If you've got lots of alkies in your family, avoid snorting anything. I have a long family history and personal addiction issues (nicotine) so I try to avoid coke/amphetamines/downers.
4. You should do some hallucinogens, sooner rather than later. I'd suggest mushrooms but they are kind of unpleasant physically, LSD, despite its reputation, is a perfectly wonderful drug that you have to schedule a full weekend to do (especially for a first timer, the lingering effects of the trip can last as long as 12 hours)

But for the most part, pot is wonderful for before, during, and after the settling down process. When I put my carefully selected vintage style crochet throw pillows down in slow motion, I don't feel any sort of existential crisis, I feel the lip of a soft glass bong being prodded into my ass and hear "Hey take this rip and lets beat that fuckin' aegagropilon dummy". And believe you me, if you can find a stoner to settle in with, you'll never have to wake up for early admission to anything.

As far as the videos? I thought these were more sweet than funny, aww versus haha, which is kind of a shame because I've actually met Nathaniel Bogess and watched him tell a story at Backfence PDX (The Moth-alike) and he's pretty hilarious.
posted by jarvitron at 7:51 AM on September 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

tl;dw.

Anyway, middle age is enough of a drug. We're still healthy and reasonably active, can do what we want when we want, but old enough to start experiencing inner peace and something not unlike wisdom.

Hope it lasts, before we enter the age of getting sick and hating everything.
posted by Artful Codger at 11:19 AM on September 29, 2012

This is like my friend who restarted his life somewhere else and occasionally phones and describes the joys of tending the garden and feeding the chickens and sitting on the new decking drinking coffee, which I eventually realised is the result of going on meds after a lifetime of drugs. It could be worse.
posted by yoHighness at 11:29 AM on September 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Drugs are so much better when you're older: You have more money, so you can afford to be generous with them. You've built up networks that help with sourcing and quality control. You've figured out what kinds of people and environments are conducive to having a good time, and you've developed enough of a spine that you won't go along with something that feels off. Most importantly, you've learned to plan ahead, assess risk, and delay gratification, so that your occasional pharma fun doesn't end up messing up things in your regular life.

Or so I'm told.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 3:20 PM on September 29, 2012

Wow, this made me really miss my wild punk rock youth. I realized I've soled out just as much as these schmucks, I'm just poorer.
posted by twiggy32 at 2:15 AM on September 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

what's so great about being younger?

harder boners; less need for sleep; a flat stomach; a full head of hair; financial support (education); legal protections; faster metabolism; free drinks; sex with younger partners; a quicker step; a higher jump; the illusion of self importance; a body generally unravaged by time ...

... there are a few advantages i can think of. ;)

Drugs are so much better when you're older

I really don't know, and I do like lots of types of drugs, and I am old, and I still do drugs when I can. Drugs are *easier* when they are older, but I'm not sure they are as fun. Some things, like getting smashed at your friend's house on cheap vodka, are really made for 15 year-olds (and ^^^ you don't feel like ass the next day).

Something like DMT, sure, not for kids, but smoking grass, dropping acid or getting wasted on cheap fortified wine ... kinda more fun in a juvenile situation. Taking E or LSD (or even better, both) and dancing or fucking all night ... er, see my first comment ^^^ ...
posted by mrgrimm at 9:20 AM on October 1, 2012