Six lines of JavaScript that write Doctor Who plots

June 1, 2013 7:25 AM

6 lines of JavaScript that write Doctor Who plots indistinguishable from the current series. For example:

A failsafe on the TARDIS console blows, sending her crashing towards Sontar, but the Sonic Screwdriver picks up a signal from an unexpected lifeform. The Doctor and his friend make a grave mistake in a battle with the traces of the Master. The Doctor defuses a massive bomb, but is unable to save everyone. Lady GaGa is the voice of the video-link.

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posted by filthy light thief (61 comments total)

The Doctor has vowed to return to the top of a Las Vegas casino, but Clara thinks she can hear a distant voice. Isolated from the Doctor, Clara goes on to have tough decisions to make about the Sontarans. The Sonic Screwdriver saves the day. Paul McCartney plays a character who is killed during the opening sequence.

I would watch that episode.
posted by Hobo at 7:44 AM on June 1, 2013

// Okay, so there's a few lines defining words before it, but technically the generation's only done with these six lines.
// Pedant.

Saw me coming, I guess.
posted by yerfatma at 7:55 AM on June 1, 2013 [22 favorites]

New villain: THE SOURCE.
posted by Artw at 7:58 AM on June 1, 2013 [9 favorites]

The Doctor is summoned to Peladon, but all is not as it first appears. The visitors discover the first Kings of Never. A low-ranking military character sacrifices herself to save the day. Justin Timberlake kisses the Doctor.

A thousand fan fiction writers just died happy.
posted by arcticseal at 8:09 AM on June 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

6 lines of JavaScript that write Doctor Who plots indistinguishable from the current series…

Not a surprise at all of course.
posted by juiceCake at 8:31 AM on June 1, 2013

The TARDIS loses power and strands the Doctor and Clara on a mansion in Victorian London, but a small child soon distracts the TARDIS crew. Isolated from Clara, the Doctor goes on to discover the first Macra. After watching it, David Tennant declares he no longer recognises the show he loves. Christopher Eccleston kisses the Doctor.
posted by BungaDunga at 8:56 AM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Reminds me of They Fight Crime which I have clicked hundreds of times of the years and still makes me smile.
posted by beniamino at 9:03 AM on June 1, 2013 [7 favorites]

This is funny - but pretty sad.

The current series has gotten so bad that we started episode 12... and then decided to turn it off part way through and haven't gotten back to it.

:-(
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 9:04 AM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

A failsafe on the TARDIS console blows, sending her crashing towards Jupiter, and they are soon immersed in adventure. The Time Lord and his companion have tough choices to make about the Ice Warriers. The tears of a child save the day. Carrie Fisher takes the role of villain.

seems legit.
posted by cendawanita at 9:30 AM on June 1, 2013

The TARDIS crash lands on Neptune, and there is mystery in the air. The Time Lord and his companion have tough choices to make about the Adherents of the Repeated Meme. Feminists complains bitterly that this episode exposes the misogyny of the show. William Shatner is revealed as a new incarnation of the Master.

Wow... that's pretty much spot on.
posted by KTamas at 9:53 AM on June 1, 2013 [3 favorites]

// Okay, so there's a few lines defining words before it, but technically the generation's only done with these six lines.
// Pedant.

Caught someone lying? It's not their fault, you are just being a pendant. Yep, their lies are your fault.
posted by Brent Parker at 10:06 AM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

And on the subject of being a pedant, best of luck trying to 'land' on Neptune (although under the pen of the 'Grand Moff', anything's possible).
posted by panboi at 10:09 AM on June 1, 2013

The Tardis' time circuits overheat, and the Doctor and his companion discover a world of mystery in New York's hottest nightclub: "EXTERMINATE!". It has everything! Sontaran roller-disco, The Face of Boe, Autons doing the Robot, Dalek dildo jousting...that's when two people ride on top of Daleks and try to knock each other off with giant rubber dildos...
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:14 AM on June 1, 2013 [10 favorites]

beniamino: "Reminds me of They Fight Crime which I have clicked hundreds of times of the years and still makes me smile."

"He's a leather-clad shark-wrestling ex-con in drag. She's an orphaned gypsy Valkyrie from Mars. They fight crime!"

This is brilliant stuff. I really need to bookmark that site for the next NaNoWriMo.
posted by jquinby at 10:18 AM on June 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

// Okay, so there's a few lines defining words—oh, I see this has been covered already. Awesome!
posted by chrominance at 10:34 AM on June 1, 2013

I'm calling foul. They just ripped off the actual Javascript the BBC uses.
posted by unSane at 10:42 AM on June 1, 2013 [8 favorites]

Really what they wanted to do is put the data somewhere else and call it via AJAX.
posted by Artw at 10:43 AM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Playing with the last night, I did not find one episode that didn't sound enjoyable. What I'm saying is folks who hate the current incarnation of Doctor Who, I am apparently part of the problem.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:59 AM on June 1, 2013 [7 favorites]

Heh. You could play the exact same game with every other incarnation of the show. Might be a little more fun if it did, in fact.
posted by Artw at 11:02 AM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Now do original Star Trek!
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 12:11 PM on June 1, 2013

For TNG there is TNG series 8.
posted by Artw at 12:18 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

"A nymphomaniac worm controls Riker’s mind and body to seduce the Enterprise's female crew. Nobody notices, it eventually dies of old age."

Heh.
posted by kyrademon at 12:28 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Huge Doctor Who News Coming Tonight – And Here’s What We Think It Is
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:34 PM on June 1, 2013

Now do original Star Trek!

It would be easy to do that with TNG (see Season 8) but the original series? Good luck with that. There's no predictable pattern to the episodes. Today, Das Boot against the Romulans. Tomorrow, Space Lincoln. An algorithm generating content that varied would pass the Turing test. We'd be obliged to shout logical paradoxes at it until it exploded.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:34 PM on June 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

Huge Doctor Who News Coming Tonight – And Here’s What We Think It Is

That'd be disappointing. Of course, that's what the rumor is every time.
posted by Artw at 12:41 PM on June 1, 2013

I like Matt Smith, but Moffat must go.
posted by anotherpanacea at 1:01 PM on June 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

I do think it's weird that just a week after it was supposedly "confirmed" that Smith was coming back for Season 8/34 that this is the news. Part of me thinks it would be great if they did a mid-season regeneration. But then part of me is afraid if they did that, the first half of the season would be a huge build up to an end of the 11th Doctor era (like they did for Tennant's departure) and I'd be really happy with a more traditional "BAM!" regneration -- even (maybe especially) if it happened in the 50th anniversary special.

But maybe this is all a red herring and it just turns out that the BBC found all the missing episodes under a tea cart when they were cleaning out the old television centre.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:02 PM on June 1, 2013

I do hope that if Smith is leaving they just went ahead and cast the new Doctor and announce it all at once because I cannot read (or avoid) another 74,384,338 articles about who the new Doctor should be.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:07 PM on June 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

> "... the original series? Good luck with that."

How about a flowchart, then?
posted by kyrademon at 1:12 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

I like Moffat, but Matt Smith must go.
posted by iotic at 1:26 PM on June 1, 2013

I cannot read (or avoid) another 74,384,338 articles about who the new Doctor should be.

Idris Elba, obvs.
posted by Artw at 1:35 PM on June 1, 2013 [3 favorites]

Tilda Swinton and I will hold my breath until it's so
posted by nicebookrack at 1:40 PM on June 1, 2013 [5 favorites]

It would be awesome if they announced Idris Elba today, if only to annoy those folks who wrote the "Doctor Who is totally racist" book.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:42 PM on June 1, 2013

The recent pictures showing Matt Smith having cut his hair to a Christopher Eccleston length made me think he's on his way out. Or he just did it to make up for Eccles' absence in the upcoming anniversary show.
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:44 PM on June 1, 2013

Moffat doesn't have to go entirely, just move back into the role of Guy Who Writes One Really Great Story A Year, and let somebody else worry about the big finales and story arcs.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 1:46 PM on June 1, 2013 [3 favorites]

It must also be noted that today many Doctor Who fans are celebrating the 5th Anniversary of the first appearance of the River Song character (while other fans are treating it like 9/11). Any significance for the announcement's timing there?
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:57 PM on June 1, 2013

Never forget.

(It was yesterday.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:59 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

I really liked her last appearance.

Timeline.
posted by Artw at 2:03 PM on June 1, 2013

Smith's haircut is for a movie he's in. He got it after the filming of the 50th special. (I can't believe I know this.)
posted by plastic_animals at 2:04 PM on June 1, 2013

BTW, if the Third Doctor skinned Matt Smith and wore his face as a flesh-mask it would totes look like this.
posted by Artw at 2:07 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Rowan Atkinson is revealed as a new incarnation of the Rani.

BBC, MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
posted by schmod at 2:19 PM on June 1, 2013

Steven Moffat has definitely been re-upped.

Exactly the opposite of what I hoped.
posted by juiceCake at 2:25 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Danny Pudi!
posted by drezdn at 2:34 PM on June 1, 2013

It's hitting the dailies. Matt Smith to quit Doctor Who after Christmas special.
posted by rory at 2:37 PM on June 1, 2013

Idris Elba, obvs.

Nooo! Idris Elba needs to finish the Luther movie and then go on to be the next James Bond.
posted by arcticseal at 2:48 PM on June 1, 2013

Damian Lewis?!
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 2:49 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Richard Ayoade!
posted by drezdn at 2:51 PM on June 1, 2013 [3 favorites]

If they make the Doctor into an alicorn princess I will boycott the show!!1one1!
posted by The otter lady at 2:57 PM on June 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

Stephen Mangan!
posted by matthewr at 3:23 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

BBC: Matt Smith to leave Doctor Who at the end of year
posted by Artw at 3:27 PM on June 1, 2013

You know what they should do with the new Doctor Who, if Smith indeed has quit?

Have the next doctor be Black and never, ever mention this in the show.
posted by MartinWisse at 3:28 PM on June 1, 2013

They should promise the role to a POC then have Crumbles steal it.
posted by Artw at 3:31 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Came to the blue to find the discussion of Matt Smith leaving and hey, here it is. I'm wondering what the recast is going to do for the air dates of the show next spring.
posted by immlass at 3:44 PM on June 1, 2013

I'd love to see Philip Glenister in the role, except the show is so awful I wouldn't.
posted by juiceCake at 3:47 PM on June 1, 2013

They could always do a Reverse Double WTF and make John Hurt the NEW Doctor.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:57 PM on June 1, 2013

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing -- if John Hurt became the new Doctor attempting to make up for whatever wrong he had done in the past, that could be really interesting. I doubt it will happen, but I've doubted lots of things would ever happen and been surprised.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:03 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

Complete with chestburster.
posted by Artw at 4:04 PM on June 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm just a little afraid of the 50th Anniversary show for one reason. The first episode ever of Doctor Who was the return to regularly scheduled programming on the BBC after a day of special coverage of the JFK Assasination... yep, they were one day apart, and the Doctor's current companion, who will still be on the show next season is "Clara Oswin OSWALD".

Maybe Moffit was unaware of the timing when he named the character, but considering his record of WTFs, I doubt it.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:12 PM on June 1, 2013

No. He knew. That was one of about two dozen things littered about the last year or so which reference An Unearthly Child.
posted by Mezentian at 2:04 AM on June 2, 2013

I assume at least four of the JavaScript lines are River Song.
posted by Legomancer at 7:10 AM on June 2, 2013

The Doctor has vowed to return to the top of a Las Vegas casino, but Clara thinks she can hear a distant voice. Isolated from the Doctor, Clara goes on to have tough decisions to make about the Sontarans. The Sonic Screwdriver saves the day. Paul McCartney plays a character who is killed during the opening sequence.

Fallout: New Vegas: Dead Money. Paul McCartney as Dean Domino.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 4:31 PM on June 2, 2013