Digging up forgotten games that should've stayed buried

June 17, 2013 2:32 PM

"Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities." -- PC Gamer's Crap Shoot looks at (semi-)obscure pc games, featuring big budget failures, extinct for a reason subgenres and godawful erotic games (movies) but also lost classics and beloved eighties masterpieces.
posted by MartinWisse (33 comments total)

Oh, is it Digging up forgotten games that should've stayed buried month again?
posted by oulipian at 2:43 PM on June 17, 2013

Clearly not; that was last month.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:50 PM on June 17, 2013

but also lost classics

Blood

StC: 24 seconds

Notes: You actually have to fight some things to find the first barrel.

Comments:
Kevin: Blood is a good game.
Erik: Do you mean in your opinion?
Kevin: No.
posted by UrineSoakedRube at 2:54 PM on June 17, 2013 [7 favorites]

Every now and again I will dig out Richard Cobbett's review of The You Testament, a game about the New Testament that uses the engine of a wrestling game, and laugh all over again.

Everything went wrong when I accidentally kicked Jesus in the balls.
posted by liquidindian at 3:05 PM on June 17, 2013 [16 favorites]

Maybe I'll find a review of the mid-'90s PC game one of my housemates had where you played a cop with a female partner who cut-scened "You don't know BEANS about shootin', pardner!" every time you got killed (while sitting on a pile of sacks of actual beans, in short shorts).
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:17 PM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

omg The You Testament sounds atrociously amazing.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:18 PM on June 17, 2013

Jesus turned the other cheek, curled up into a fetal position, covered what was left of his holy beans, and wept.
posted by notyou at 3:20 PM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Third sentence in from the "big budget failures" link: The Angel Of Darkness, no relation to the Angle Of Darkness, which is 97.5 degrees for reasons that must remain obtuse, is arguably one of the worst sequels ever.

I love this already.
posted by Chichibio at 3:21 PM on June 17, 2013 [5 favorites]

Damn it, I am SICK and I was going to take some NYQUIL and go to BED.

But then you had to bring in this...this huge untapped vein of 90s memories, leaving me to whoop and holler and dance around like some bearded prospector in the 2013 Nostalgia Rush.

*grumble grumble*...at least the "Hey, I played that!" feeling is a little bit therapeutic.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:27 PM on June 17, 2013

"Data, I want you to sit at your command post and think about what you've done!"
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:30 PM on June 17, 2013

Oh Police Quest, you were the best and most ridiculous. I think of you every time I inspect all four sides of my vehicle before departure.
posted by asperity at 3:30 PM on June 17, 2013 [4 favorites]

At the end of The You Testament it says that this is only the second most incredible religious videogame ever and embeds a video of the game that takes #1. Except the video does not exist. I'm just going to pretend that was totally intentional.
posted by ckape at 3:40 PM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

So of course I went straight to the "godawful erotic games" link, and it was awesome!

Actually, Rihanna Rogue sounds terrible, but this Cobbett guy makes it look awesome in his review, so he must be great at his job.

"This is not the end!"
posted by Kevin Street at 3:41 PM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Battlezone 2

StC: 119 seconds

Notes: Follow Lt. Shabayev. She will take you to the crates.

Comments:
Chet: I didn't think we'd ever find the crates.
erik: I knew we would because I believe in myself. I'm high on life. I'm so high on life, I shouldn't be allowed to drive, if I wasn't already not allowed to drive for other reasons.
Chet: Me too. What about you Kevin?
Kevin: I'm high on heroin.
erik: Is that like hugs?
Kevin: Kind of, but you're being hugged from the inside. Imagine being high on life, except you're actually high. And unlike life, you don't die at the end. Usually.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:44 PM on June 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Wow, The You Testament has permadeath. I don't think they're using it right, though.
posted by JHarris at 3:47 PM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Except the video does not exist. I'm just going to pretend that was totally intentional.

If you change your mind.
posted by liquidindian at 3:50 PM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh man, I'm so glad to see this here. I occasionally stumble across Crap Shoot and then forget about it before finding it again a few months later and binging on it. One of the most fun blogs online.
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:19 PM on June 17, 2013

Oh god. I think I want to play The You Testament. This is glorious.

Hmm... but isn't this is how I ended up watching Foodfight 13 times?
posted by JHarris at 4:55 PM on June 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

BTW, Zoo Race has been posted to the Blue before.
posted by JHarris at 6:29 PM on June 17, 2013

Some of these are neither obscure nor semi obscure. Police Quest, for example, was about as non-obscure as games got at the time. I suppose it's obscure if you're 17 years old, though.
posted by Justinian at 7:58 PM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

Some of these are neither obscure nor semi obscure. Police Quest, for example, was about as non-obscure as games got at the time. I suppose it's obscure if you're 17 years old, though.

You have a point, but there's a difference between "famous at the time" and "famous now." I haven't gone through the whole archive, obviously, but pretty much all the ones I've seen would count as obscure now even if they weren't when they were new.
posted by sparkletone at 9:03 PM on June 17, 2013

Wow, I am amazed that they review one of the more obscure games I've ever played. The screenshots simultaneously make me groan but also inflict a huge nostalgia hit on me. And the description: "It was an exquisitely crafted experience, and one of the sloppiest games ever, all at once. It was beautiful in its chaos, and I loved it, pustular warts and all." Spot on. Think I will have to re-indulge... Thanks for the link!
posted by Athanassiel at 9:12 PM on June 17, 2013

The thing about The New Testament and its sequel, The Making of a Prophet, is, I kind of admire them. Like Harry Stephen Keeler, they might be inept, but they're also brilliant. They're not like any other games, and I think that's actually much more of a success than making yet another Call Of Duty title. I would much rather play these than Halo.
posted by JHarris at 1:27 AM on June 18, 2013

I mean....

When the protagonist is granted insight by tearing away the veil that hides the true nature of reality, it's done by making the graphics wireframe. That is, the reality he sees the nature of is that of his 3D computer world. That's kind of awesome. At the beginning of Making of a Prophet, Mohammad explains an ability to know what's in the immediate future as being able to see and understand the subtitles on the screen. I like that, I like it a whole lot.

The thing is, that, as well as many other attempted artistic choices, only work if you give the creator the benefit of the doubt. You have to go the first mile; if you're unwilling to go that far, then you won't get anything out of art at all, whether it's the Mona Lisa of Plan 9 From Outer Space. You could laugh at it, or say derisively that it makes MDickey into God -- but as the programmer of the game, he kind of is.

Anyway, say what you want about them, but they aren't the traditional tracts I was expecting. I was first kind of bothered, but then intrigued, when Jesus started explaining his powers in terms of chakras, which is kind of a cool idea. MDickey has actually tried to engage with and reinterpret the works he drew from. If what he created was a failure, it is an honest failure, and one of those is worth a dozen phoney successes.
posted by JHarris at 1:34 AM on June 18, 2013 [4 favorites]

(The more I think about this, the more serious I realize I am. To my astonishment, I think MDickey rocks. Wow.)
posted by JHarris at 1:44 AM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

For those interested in The You Testament and the follow up sequel, I can direct you to the LP Archive for LPs of both The You Testament and The You Testament 2, as done by two guys on the SA forums. Each done by a different LPer, and while the first game has been modded almost entirely (worth it to see several iterations of the Doctor brawling with each other), the second is played vanilla bar a mod to change the PC's face. Neither LPer has a high opinion of MDickie or the game they're playing, but if you've an hour or two to burn through, both are fairly humorous and at least part way informative about the games.
posted by Inner Universe at 2:35 AM on June 18, 2013

The thing is, that, as well as many other attempted artistic choices, only work if you give the creator the benefit of the doubt. You have to go the first mile; if you're unwilling to go that far, then you won't get anything out of art at all, whether it's the Mona Lisa of Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Ed Wood is actually a good comparison. Much of his film work would, if he'd actually been competent at his craft, been fairly dull. It's because of his incompetence and his ...creativity... to work around his own limitations that make his movies what they are. The same with the You Testament; if it had been a halfway competent game it would've been dull.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:46 AM on June 18, 2013

Speaking of classic games, via one of the links I just found out that Bethesda is coming out with a new Wolfenstein game, set in a Nazi-victorious alternate history.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:59 AM on June 18, 2013

My roommate and I played the holy hell out of Rockstar.
posted by Legomancer at 6:22 AM on June 18, 2013

I sent an email to the creator of The You Commandment, telling him I found out about the game from internet mockings, and expressing my appreciation. He sent a very nice email back, he seems quite centered about it.

I like him. If I had the money I'd definitely spring for a MeFi account for him.
posted by JHarris at 7:20 AM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'd also like to express that my appreciation for The New Testament is not, entirely, ironic. I think the game improves a couple of notches if you discard the idea that the guy who made it is making a video game tract. I don't think he's making an explicit retelling of the origins of Christianity (indeed, Jesus can turn out to be female in the game if you turn random characters on), but a kind of situationist sandbox game. I mean, Jesus outright describes his powers using "chakras" in the game, which should be a pretty big hint that he's trying more for tone than explicit adherence to facts. I think some of that is lost in the Crap Shoot article on it.

It's not perfect, not by a long shot, but it's trying something new, and it's made essentially by one guy, which makes it amazing regardless of other factors. It's definitely better than something like Zoo Races, which is insipid.
posted by JHarris at 7:26 AM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

This is like watching a religious conversion.

Quick, kick him in the balls.
posted by liquidindian at 9:50 AM on June 18, 2013

Wow, I am amazed that they review one of the more obscure games I've ever played.

Realms of the Haunting got released in the same time as a few big Xmas titles due to a delay and got buried. I think Diablo was the biggest of the bunch.
posted by ersatz at 2:53 PM on June 18, 2013