He doesn't know that his old bone is captured by all these cell phones

July 22, 2013 10:39 AM

A (NSFW) Dispatch From The Smallest Penis In Brooklyn Competition
posted by capnsue (45 comments total)

Hold me closer, Tony Danza.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:44 AM on July 22, 2013 [5 favorites]

What? Why?
posted by You Guys Like 2 Party? at 10:49 AM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

Smallest Penis Contest Winner Tells Us Why He's Proud To Be Less Endowed

Were you nervous about entering? Not at all. Besides my day job I've been doing modeling and acting for the past 7 years. Acting is done in front of a group of people so I was comfortable there. And sometimes my modeling jobs are nude for art classes, so wearing some skimpy clothing wasn't a problem either.

Do you think that small dicks have a bad rep? Yes. That's the media's fault, I think. For both men and women, they push out images of people who just aren't regular normal people. The size of a man's penis does not matter for who he is as a person or in a relationship. Same thing with breast size. We're all made in different shapes and sizes, but the media puts pressure on people to look a certain way. Most people do not look that way. Some people let that false sense of body image upset them and they shouldn't be upset at all. Even worse, some people use those false standards and judge other people. It's disconcerting.

Most Confident And Courageous Man of 2013 right here.

This seems like a weird little contest but anything that changes the media manufactured image of how "perfect" bodies are supposed to look it a very good thing indeed.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 10:51 AM on July 22, 2013 [14 favorites]

What? Why?

I dunno. I kinda think it's great. I mean... I am a non-penis-haver, but I can't even imagine what it must be like to be a dude with a micropenis in modern American society. (I'm not talking about guys who are like 'oh I'm only 5" how embarrassing'... I'm talking thumb-sized.) For all the body shame that's heaped on me as a woman, at least I now have alternative narratives I can tell about my life- yes, I'm not [insert beauty ideal here] but that's ok! I've gotten messages that I should be [x], but also, increasingly, there are competing messages that I DON'T actually have to be [x], I'm perfect just the way I am.

I've never seen a similar message for guys with micropenises. It must be absolutely soul-crushing. It must be like... no matter how smart, kind, handsome, or witty you are, you are told that you are absolutely worthless as a romantic partner. And that sucks. Because it isn't true!
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:53 AM on July 22, 2013 [15 favorites]

I assume children are barred from competing.
posted by DU at 10:57 AM on July 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

Zigonet laid on the stage for a moment, pants unbuttoned, then stood up and tried to make fart noises with his hands into the microphone. They tried to play him off, but the music reenergized him and he began to dance erratically. He was pulled off the stage and subsequently disqualified for his drunkenness. This was an uncomfortable moment.

Yes. Don't you just hate it when your dignified small penis competition is disrupted by something crude and vulgar?
posted by yoink at 11:02 AM on July 22, 2013 [14 favorites]

I would make a joke about ball-size here, but that would just be tasteless.

What an awesome competition, I hope they {repeat it for many years}*!


*damn difficult to phrase without any sort of pun
posted by HFSH at 11:04 AM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

Very neat. And I also like how the winner carries himself. heh. The little tuxedo thing is adorable.

I assume children are barred from competing.

wow, you took it there.
posted by cashman at 11:09 AM on July 22, 2013

IT MIGHT BE SMALL BUT IT'S THIN!
posted by MuffinMan at 11:10 AM on July 22, 2013

I would make a joke about ball-size here, but that would just be tasteless.

Maybe not so much.
posted by cjorgensen at 11:15 AM on July 22, 2013 [3 favorites]

wow, you took it there.

It was a joke. One of my favorite onesies says, "Hung like a 5 year old" on it. I wanted to have a kid just o put that on him.
posted by cjorgensen at 11:17 AM on July 22, 2013

And such small portions, too.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:19 AM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

What? Why?

Don't be mean. Now I'll go read the article..

this wasn't empirical. The contest cared naught for your measurements. It was about attitude.

Oh. What? Why?
posted by Chuckles at 11:27 AM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh, Brooklyn.

Kings County Bar, on Yelp. What kind of place is it? This event seems like some bizarro world gay bar competition, only for straight people.
posted by Nelson at 11:30 AM on July 22, 2013

I would make a joke about ball-size here, but that would just be tasteless.

Put coconut oil on it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:35 AM on July 22, 2013

Okay, yeah, so I clicked this and read it. Okay.

But like... remember Fark.com? How it had tags like "funny" or "silly" or "weird" for its stories, then they had one that was just "Florida" because everyone knew: Florida.

This article would get a tag that just read "Brooklyn".
posted by sixohsix at 11:37 AM on July 22, 2013 [7 favorites]

"Yes. Don't you just hate it when your dignified small penis competition is disrupted by something crude and vulgar?"
posted by yoink

How is this undignified? It is a celebration of the human body, and it says a lot for these guys that they can stand up and be counted like this.
posted by marienbad at 11:59 AM on July 22, 2013

But, how does this account for the classic dichotomy of grower versus shower? I decline to state which I am.
posted by Samizdata at 12:12 PM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

How is this undignified?

Oh, heaven's forfend! I'm sure they have dignity coming out their asses.

At least, it would be easy to check.
posted by yoink at 12:22 PM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

This article would get a tag that just read "Brooklyn".

Agreed. That said it's fun and there are a lot of non-standard looking dudes there and everyone is having a great time.

What kind of advice would you give to someone like you? Or your younger self?

My advice for people like me is don't worry about things you cannot control. All that does is waste time. Always move forward and do the best you can.

posted by jessamyn at 12:30 PM on July 22, 2013

Is it sad that I am 42 and had to google "grower versus shower?"

I have body issues, but one thing I've always been happy with, in regard to my penis, is the size in general and the ratio of flaccid vs. erect in particular. Seriously, I like that mine, for the most part, gets out of the way most times, but does what's needed when needed (most times).

I've seen men who I actually want to ask, "What do you do with that when you're not doing something with that?" I am by no means a peeker, but sometimes it can't be helped. Once, I was at a concert, in a line at the urinals, and I saw this man out of my peripheral vision. (You know it's not "average" when you don't even have to look to see it.) I glanced down (OK, so I am a peeker...sue me). This guy was huge! A monster. Seriously, he has a kaiju in his pants. Leaving the theater I see him put his arms around this woman, and I felt like giving her a condolence card.

If I were built like that I'd be afraid of a wardrobe malfunction in anything less than coveralls.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:44 PM on July 22, 2013

There’s a surprising lack of penis in that article.
posted by bongo_x at 12:44 PM on July 22, 2013 [4 favorites]

"It's not the size of the penis. It's how you use it." - Mother.

One night, when I was a sexually inexperienced teen, I found myself in the arms of a very nice man I met at a gay bar, and things got heated, so we went to his car in the parking lot, and he was all about giving me some loving, showing me some attention-but when I wanted to reciprocate he hesitated, and I coxed him out of his shell (Pants) with my sexual need, only to be-at that moment-the worse person I had almost surely ever been in my whole life. His penis was small. smaller. smallest.

Sadly, in my drunken state, being very sexually turned on, and not too excited about what I was looking at-I laughed, got out of his car, and went on the hunt for something more.
(if this is you reading this-I am soo sorry. And think of that moment with disgrace often)

My sister-in-law's best friend loves small penis', though I think that she has a wierd way of showing it cause she just flat out tells the boys-"Oh that's too small-Just stick it in my butt!"
posted by QueerAngel28 at 12:51 PM on July 22, 2013

I can't even imagine what it must be like to be a dude with a micropenis in modern American society.

A lot easier to wear really skinny jeans for one thing.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:12 PM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

" Once, I was at a concert, in a line at the urinals, and I saw this man out of my peripheral vision." I remember you kid, and you were staring so hard you pissed on your shoes!
"The size of a man's penis does not matter for who he is as a person or in a relationship." Keep believing that, pencil dick.
posted by Mack Twain at 1:17 PM on July 22, 2013

Is it bravery to be the first to protest too much?
posted by fullerine at 1:24 PM on July 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

"The size of a man's penis does not matter for who he is as a person or in a relationship." Keep believing that, pencil dick.

I think this attitude is the reason this contest is a good idea. I mean, what should the guy do? Never speak to a woman again? Kill himself? Or just... exist in the world and try to be happy, as is his right?
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:26 PM on July 22, 2013 [5 favorites]

Keep believing that, pencil dick.

Keep saying that, anonymous internet commenter. I'm on Team Pencil Dick.
posted by jessamyn at 1:33 PM on July 22, 2013 [30 favorites]

Leaving the theater I see him put his arms around this woman, and I felt like giving her a condolence card.

You should try definitely try that the next time your peripheral vision flares up. Most women really don't want their partner to have a large penis - maybe you'll save her and get a date out of it!
posted by crayz at 1:53 PM on July 22, 2013

"The size of a man's penis does not matter for who he is as a person or in a relationship." Keep believing that, pencil dick.

Wow. It's impressive, to say something like this pseudonymously on the internet. Whoever said this is clearly very wise to the ways of the world (and women!) and obviously has himself a wheelbarrow-necessitating cock.
posted by clockzero at 1:55 PM on July 22, 2013

Semi-relevant SLYT re: penis size issues from Lil' Dicky (NSFW, lyrics)
posted by bartleby at 2:25 PM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

You should try definitely try that the next time your peripheral vision flares up. Most women really don't want their partner to have a large penis - maybe you'll save her and get a date out of it!

Yes, I can imagine a world in which a dude who comes up to a complete stranger and says,

"hey, so I happened to be checking out your boyfriend's junk while he was in the gents, and Jesus, he must be killing you with that thing. You ever think about stepping down a size? Because if you're tired of getting tore up from the floor up, I'm you're man. Can I buy you a drink sometime?"

...and ends up getting her number for his trouble. That's a world we live in.
posted by Diablevert at 2:35 PM on July 22, 2013 [4 favorites]

I'm on Team Pencil Dick.

Oh, Jessamyn, that's too much information. Too too much.


I've had a girlfriend who said that she went out with a guy who was pretty very small, but he was kickass at all the rest of the sex stuff so it didn't really matter. Another ex said that she went out with a guy with not much at all going on, and he was basically bad in bed so she really wondered why she was even bothering. Summary: "Skill matters."
posted by Zack_Replica at 3:12 PM on July 22, 2013

Oh, Jessamyn, that's too much information.

In theory, but not in practice, I mean.
posted by jessamyn at 3:16 PM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

A. There was a small penis contest.
B. Men participated in the contest and
C. Allowed this to be recorded for posterity.
D. something something
E. End Times !!$%!
posted by theora55 at 3:41 PM on July 22, 2013

I've had a girlfriend who said that she went out with a guy who was pretty very small, but he was kickass at all the rest of the sex stuff so it didn't really matter. Another ex said that she went out with a guy with not much at all going on, and he was basically bad in bed so she really wondered why she was even bothering.

And furthermore: just because you have a big dick, doesn't mean you're any good in bed. Without getting too TMI, I can say that there is exactly zero correlation between the size of a guy's dick and whether he's worth sleeping with.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:43 PM on July 22, 2013 [3 favorites]

This is obvious to me. Why would penis size have anything to do with the size of his library?
posted by cjorgensen at 4:20 PM on July 22, 2013 [9 favorites]

I mean, I have a huge library.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:39 PM on July 22, 2013 [11 favorites]

Strangely enough the only peen fully on display in the accompanying photos appears to be of average size.


I saw a penis once, so I would know.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:06 PM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

And furthermore: just because you have a big dick, doesn't mean you're any good in bed.

And furtherfurthermore, if you're awful in bed and you have a big dick you can do a whole bunch of damage that is really super unpleasant.

so I hear. Um.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:10 PM on July 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

There but for the temperature of the room (go I).
posted by Mr.Me at 5:33 PM on July 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

> What kind of advice would you give to someone like you? Or your younger self? My advice for people like me is don't worry about things you cannot control. All that does is waste time. Always move forward and do the best you can.

I think I might have a little crush on this dude.

Definitely nthing that skill, not size, is the important thing. (Ok, I'm not going to lie, size is nice too, but I'd def rather have small and good in bed than big and rubbish.) It really must be difficult for guys with small dicks to be told that it the worst thing if you're a man. I'm not actually sure what the equivalent is for women. Even having small tits in a boob-obsessed society doesn't seem as bad. Plus we get the little catchphrase 'more than a handful's a waste.' Wonder what the little-dicked guys could use as a slogan?
posted by billiebee at 2:31 AM on July 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

I don't think this guy will win the smallest penis competition, but he has to be a strong favourite for Brooklyn's Biggest Chin.

Link obviously NSFW
posted by Decani at 5:39 AM on July 23, 2013

Wonder what the little-dicked guys could use as a slogan?

More than a mouthful's a waste?
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:21 AM on July 23, 2013 [3 favorites]

I guess "Anything you guys can do, we can do just as well, except for that one specific thing, which is neither laudable for you nor blameworthy for us," is more than a mouthful.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:10 PM on August 1, 2013