Would YOU want to be friends with Humbert Humbert?
July 29, 2013 1:56 PM   Subscribe

The Tournament of Literary Friends. "Serious readers know we shouldn’t go looking for friends in fiction. Better to look for moral questions, social truths, emotional possibilities—the stuff of life. And yet, isn’t it sort of fun to imagine playing Eschaton with Michael Pemulis or cruising Mexico with the Savage Detectives? Isn’t imagining ourselves among fictional people actually pretty central to the experience of reading?" Novelist Katherine Hill and her husband draw up a tournament bracket of their likely/ideal friends from literary fiction. From the Paris Review.
posted by sweetkid (79 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
 
I do roughly the same thing when I read, except replace characters with authors, and replace the other 31 options with Kurt Vonnegut. And then I am sad that I'm not friends with Kurt Vonnegut. EVERY time.
posted by phunniemee at 2:06 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


" Isn’t imagining ourselves among fictional people actually pretty central to the experience of reading?"

What?!? No!
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 2:07 PM on July 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


If "Nurse" is Juliet's nurse from Romeo and Juliet, Sydney Carton was robbed. I don't even think Nurse makes it into the second round from a 64-character tourney.
posted by gladly at 2:09 PM on July 29, 2013


Yeah, no idea which "Nurse" she means. Strange.
posted by sweetkid at 2:13 PM on July 29, 2013


These are obviously very personal so I'm not sure how you can comment on them for another person. But I'm going to try anyway.

Let me state for the record that I love Hemingway and especially The Sun Also Rises, but OMG would I not want to hang out with Jake Barnes for one minute. I would maybe want to hang out at the parties he's at -- but I'd definitely rather sit at another table than with that sad sack.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:15 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


(pardon the unintentional pun)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:15 PM on July 29, 2013 [8 favorites]


Cute, I guess, in a "would George Plimpton have considered this fluff worthy of the Paris Review?" kind of way; after a few paragraphs it's a bit tiresome.

And then some of it (if you take their accepting of characters as real people literally) just seems like a description of everything that's wrong with life as a graduate student: "Things got more interesting as the competition progressed. Matt consistently chose female friends, while I had a soft spot for men. We found ourselves drawn not to brooders or generous hearts or agreeable conversationalists, but to characters who could, for one night at least, show us a hell of a time. Seductive charmers fared better than idealists or moral compasses; disaster flirts held our attractions longer than those who plunged into oncoming trains." I mean, I remember all too well those parties and bar-hopping late nights, and cringe more than a little. Oh wait, she's talking about books, that's right. Never mind.

Maybe it's not so much that some people want to be friends with people in their novels, but that some people, like this author, themselves think they *are* characters in a novel.
posted by aught at 2:17 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, no idea which "Nurse" she means. Strange.

Nurse Rached? She would have been fun at parties, don't you think?
posted by aught at 2:21 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


When I read "Would YOU want to be friends with Humbert Humbert?" my very first thought was, "Well, more than I'd want to be friends with Ignatius J. Reilly, so that's saying something I guess."
posted by komara at 2:23 PM on July 29, 2013


Gatsby should win, but only for readers who like Fun.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:25 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Gatsby? That bore! Always going on and on about that one chick.

Auntie Mame, all the way, best parties, hands down.
posted by The Whelk at 2:26 PM on July 29, 2013 [13 favorites]


This should be steering you into fun pairings like Raskolnikov vs. Holden Caulfield.
posted by thelonius at 2:31 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Right now, I just want to go drinking with The Consul.
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:33 PM on July 29, 2013


Humbert is so stuck up and judgemental, alsos he's like, actively loathing on most of humanity.
posted by The Whelk at 2:34 PM on July 29, 2013


( this is also related with the phenomenon of making wooden stakes in shop class, you know, just in case.)
posted by The Whelk at 2:35 PM on July 29, 2013


It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must want to play fuck/marry/kill.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:35 PM on July 29, 2013 [17 favorites]


Wait, there are people who don't imagine themselves hanging out with whatever characters in whatever narrative they're currently involved with?

Werid.
posted by The Whelk at 2:38 PM on July 29, 2013 [8 favorites]


They need to open this up to all forms of media. Would you rather hang out with Dr. Wily or the couple from American Gothic? Hoggle or Optimus Prime?
posted by wanderingmind at 2:41 PM on July 29, 2013


The Strange Case Of The Paris Review And The Self-Insert Fanfiction.
posted by The Whelk at 2:42 PM on July 29, 2013 [7 favorites]


I know, I always think about which Mad Men characters I'd like to drink with. The answer right now is pretty much just Stan or Ginsburg, but that's mostly because the other characters would definitely say something racist and/or sexist to me.
posted by sweetkid at 2:43 PM on July 29, 2013


I bet Bob Benson has the best friends.

Realistically, sharing a dinner with Don would be infuriating.
posted by The Whelk at 2:45 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hobbits make the best drinking buddies.
posted by Area Man at 2:46 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Bizarre choices for the tournament entries. With the exception of Falstaff, there's almost no one listed I'd like to hang around with. Though off the top of my head there are plenty of literary characters I would enjoy meeting.

And I too am mystified as to who "Nurse" is.
posted by bearwife at 2:47 PM on July 29, 2013


same but Gravity Falls

I don't know her. Is she an oddly named but whimsical Uptown debutante Don's been stepping out with?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 2:48 PM on July 29, 2013


I don't know, I'm still sort of scared of Bob Benson and/or have worked with too many people like him to really feel like he's got interesting friends.

In the Season 5 Commentary Jay Ferguson was talking about how we've never been to Stan's apartment and I was all "wait how awesome would that be."

I'd totally play darts or whatever in Stan's apartment. Whatever he does in there.
posted by sweetkid at 2:48 PM on July 29, 2013


Greg Nog: "I know, I always think about which Mad Men characters I'd like to drink with. The answer right now is pretty much just Stan

same but Gravity Falls
"

I don't do know enough about that the thing where people ask others to write crossover fic based on requests, so ummm... The Two Stans...just putting it out there.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:49 PM on July 29, 2013


But Stan would be a teenager in MadMen!Stan's period wait.......
posted by The Whelk at 2:51 PM on July 29, 2013


I would not want to be friends with any of those listed people, this is such a let-down.

(#1 on my list is obvsly a permanent tie between Temeraire and Stephen Maturin)
posted by elizardbits at 3:03 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also imagine the smells.
posted by The Whelk at 3:08 PM on July 29, 2013


Wait, can I get Lord Henry from Dorian Grey? That's pretty much as close as your going to get to hanging out with Oscar Wilde but without his mood swings or depressive fits.
posted by The Whelk at 3:12 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


John Watson. Good-natured, humane and astonishingly tolerant of personal failings.

Call him up at 3am and say "bring your revolver" and he'll be there for you. Quite a friend.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 3:17 PM on July 29, 2013 [12 favorites]


I'd hang out with many of DFW's characters in a heartbeat, as well as the main characters from Savage Detectives. I too can think of a bunch of characters I'd love to pal around with, but none of them made this bracket. Huh.
posted by nevercalm at 3:20 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Can I be couple friends with Nic and Nora Charles? my liver would hate me but we'd have such fun.
posted by The Whelk at 3:21 PM on July 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


Jack Aubrey.

No question about it. Because it's always fun to have a friend who's both bold and slightly dumber than you are. (On shore, at least.)


My second choice is Snufflupagus.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 3:29 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Now I'm imagining a party thrown by Gatsby with Mame and the Charleses in attendance and ow my liver.
posted by EvaDestruction at 3:29 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


A party that has an outbreak of MURDER

Which they all have to solve.
posted by The Whelk at 3:33 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'd totally be a Horatio to Hamlet. Rozencranz and/or Guildenstern, not so much.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 3:34 PM on July 29, 2013


Wait wait wait wait can I be best friends with Bernie Wooster?

THINK OF THE CARS. Plus Jeeves seems nice to have around.
posted by The Whelk at 3:34 PM on July 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


party with Elizabeth Bennet and quietly mock everyone from the side of the room.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:40 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


The bonus for hanging out with Bertie Wooster is getting to call your other friends "Bean" "Pongo" and "Barmy."
posted by ambrosia at 3:41 PM on July 29, 2013


Now I'm imagining a party thrown by Gatsby with Mame and the Charleses in attendance and ow my liver.

You wouldn't even have to fuck with the timelines, they're all contemporaries.
posted by The Whelk at 3:42 PM on July 29, 2013


Because it's always fun to have a friend who's both bold and slightly dumber than you are.

I wish there was a "what did you wish you knew when you were younger" thread open because this is an important piece of wisdom.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:43 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Gussie Fink-Nottle for the newts.
posted by Area Man at 3:45 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you're taking friends from The Sun Also Rises, how can you not go with Bill? That guy is the real thing!
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 4:03 PM on July 29, 2013


Can I be couple friends with Nic and Nora Charles? my liver would hate me but we'd have such fun.

Nora Charles is my namesake, but my parents told me they didn't actually want me to turn out like her, because they did not want me to be an alcoholic.

I'd do this more with speculative fiction, especially YA, because I am not very well read. A superhero one could be interesting too. I'm wondering if Alec from Swordspoint would win purely because he throws really good debauched parties.

Maybe I will make a specfic list later this evening.
posted by NoraReed at 4:06 PM on July 29, 2013


Nora this is how fanfiction addictions begin. BEWARE.
posted by The Whelk at 4:11 PM on July 29, 2013


(I want to write a scene at the Huge Party For All the 20s-Era Lushes where Nick Chalres and Nick Carroway are constantly begin confused because they each call the other one The Other Rick so when Nick Carroway mentions that he thinks Nick Charles is cute Signorey can chastise him and tell him there be to romancing the Other because I LIKE PUNS apparently.)
posted by The Whelk at 4:13 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


(Mame brought Bertie to the party of course, he's never invited he just shows up, and of course the body they find is the head of the waitstaff, so one of them can say "Well, at least we know for sure the butler didn't do it.")
posted by The Whelk at 4:14 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


NoraReed: "Can I be couple friends with Nic and Nora Charles? my liver would hate me but we'd have such fun.


Here's a good drinking game:

Beginner level: take a drink each time Asta takes a drink.
Challenging level: take a drink each time Nora takes a drink.
Advanced level: take a drink each time Nick takes a drink.
Expert level: Take a drink each time Nick or Nora takes a drink.


Nora: Are you packing dear?
Nick: Yes, I'm just putting away this liquor.
posted by chavenet at 4:26 PM on July 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Nora this is how fanfiction addictions begin. BEWARE.

I pretty much learned to use the internet so that I could read fanfiction and make friends with fanfiction writers. I KNOW THE DANGERS, I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT

I may already have written pretty solid rules for an "ultimate adventuring party" game that that involves 6 people and an animal companion and so be too far gone to save
posted by NoraReed at 4:28 PM on July 29, 2013


Wouldn't an adventuring party be top loaded with total game breakers like Ulysses and Heraclues?
posted by The Whelk at 4:33 PM on July 29, 2013


Nope, because the entire point of it is to make an adventuring party that would be fun to watch, not one that would win everything. So you have to pick people who would get along in a way that would be interesting.
posted by NoraReed at 4:40 PM on July 29, 2013


Shaun. No, wait--Shem.
posted by DaDaDaDave at 4:42 PM on July 29, 2013


Pretty much all my favorite fictional characters are people I would run screaming from in real life, so I haven't ever really considered the "which characters would I like to be friends with" issue. Hmmmmmm.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:08 PM on July 29, 2013


Beginner level: take a drink each time Asta takes a drink.
Challenging level: take a drink each time Nora takes a drink.
Advanced level: take a drink each time Nick takes a drink.
Expert level: Take a drink each time Nick or Nora takes a drink.


Bonus round: Take a drink every time Julian English or Geoffrey Firmin takes a drink. If you don't die, you win.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:11 PM on July 29, 2013


Almost any character from Iain M. Banks' Culture, because that would mean that the Culture exists.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:44 PM on July 29, 2013


At first I thought you were asking if I was Herbert. I am not Herbert, but it's not really relevant...
posted by Chuffy at 6:01 PM on July 29, 2013


I used to have dreams where Roland Deschain was my father.

I suppose I'd like to hang out with Stephen Dedalus, but we'd probably find each other insufferable.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 6:05 PM on July 29, 2013


I'd like to be Mervyn Bunter's assistant. Whilst Lord Peter Whimsey and Harriet Vane are off doing their intellectual jousting, Mr Bunter and I would be off collecting the hard forensic evidence for whatever book we were in. We'd tag-team on trailing suspects. I'd have blue stocking tendencies, which Mr Bunter would discretely approve of. At the end of the day we'd go for a decorous pint before Mr Bunter went back to look after Lord Peter - I suspect Bunter would be a fabulous drinking partner!
posted by Alice Russel-Wallace at 6:43 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'd like to be Mervyn Bunter's assistant. Whilst Lord Peter Whimsey and Harriet Vane are off doing their intellectual jousting, Mr Bunter and I would be off collecting the hard forensic evidence for whatever book we were in. We'd tag-team on trailing suspects. I'd have blue stocking tendencies, which Mr Bunter would discretely approve of. At the end of the day we'd go for a decorous pint before Mr Bunter went back to look after Lord Peter - I suspect Bunter would be a fabulous drinking partner!

I feel like if you're going to be a chick who hangs with Bunter, you're going to have to pound a lot of cream sherry. Bunter's a bit of a stiff, to say nothing of the soupçon of Waylon Smithers which flavours the whole...if I had to hang with a fictional manservant, Jeeves all the way.

Although if we're allowed Wodehouse characters, I'd plump for Psmith.

And Humbert Humbert doesn't need a friend, he needs an audience. All of Nabokov's protagonists are solipists, it's the angel he wrestles with like Fitzgerald with wealth or Hemingway with masculinity.

Elizabeth Bennett for me, if I had to pick just one. But party at the Charles' with Mame and Bertie sounds like a little slice of heaven to me.
posted by Diablevert at 8:27 PM on July 29, 2013


I always wanted to wander around NYC with Holden Caulfield.
posted by SisterHavana at 11:40 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]



I always wanted to wander around NYC with Holden Caulfield.


The last person who wanted to do that left a pretty big hole in the music world.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 11:42 PM on July 29, 2013


Jesus, not a single mention of Aragorn? Or how about Archie Goodwin? Or Lucy Snow?

(This article in The Awl or The Atlantic, sure. But the Paris Review? The fuck is this?)
posted by From Bklyn at 11:50 PM on July 29, 2013



Jesus, not a single mention of Aragorn? Or how about Archie Goodwin? Or Lucy Snow?

(This article in The Awl or The Atlantic, sure. But the Paris Review? The fuck is this?)


This is about real books. I'm sure the Buzzfeed version will have those.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 11:56 PM on July 29, 2013


Dude, Vilette is as real a book as books get. And Lucy Snow is a character fit to base an academic career on.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:04 AM on July 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is about real books

lol
posted by inire at 2:30 AM on July 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


Aargh, too many to choose from. Nanny Ogg? Saltheart Foamfollower? Gurney Halleck?
posted by TheophileEscargot at 4:05 AM on July 30, 2013


Watson seems a decent chap. And there are certain benefits to befriending a hard drinking doctor.
posted by 256 at 5:43 AM on July 30, 2013


The tough part is, the characters who seem like great friends tend to seem that way because they already have a bestie in canon, and it isn't likely they'd have a lot of time left over for another.

I've been working on a play where Ladies Capulet and Montague are riding out the feud in secret meetings where they drink and trash-talk all the men in Verona. But I can't figure out who from other plays are the friends and lovers in their pasts.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:00 AM on July 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


Aragorn is too moody and silent, terrible friend unless you need someone stabbed or a great quest undertaken.
posted by The Whelk at 6:02 AM on July 30, 2013


Gandalf. Sure he's eventually going to send you on a quest where you will surely be deformed or killed, but it will be an *important* mission. Until the next one. Plus, what an awesome wingman.
posted by lon_star at 6:17 AM on July 30, 2013


Plus, occasional fireworks, pipeweed, hobbti friends = excellent baked goods.
posted by The Whelk at 6:18 AM on July 30, 2013


All those smoke rings stink up the place. Also, Gandalf is grumpy.
posted by Area Man at 6:25 AM on July 30, 2013


I'm looking over my bookshelves and, in trying to limit this to "classic" lit (Stuff you would totally get assigned to read in school) I'm not finding a lot of people I want to be friends with. Fascinating and interesting characters sure, but I feel like I'd just end up shouting at Madam Bovary all day (EVERYTHING IS FINE! GET A GRIP!)

OH wait, I got it. The Woman from Laxness' Under The Glacier - if only for the very strong possibility that she's literally God.
posted by The Whelk at 6:29 AM on July 30, 2013


Aragorn is too moody and silent, terrible friend unless you need someone stabbed or a great quest undertaken.

He'd know the best hiking trails if you're into that short of thing.

M. de Charlus would be the best choice.
posted by ersatz at 7:13 AM on July 30, 2013


It is an interesting question with the classics, isn't it? Most of the characters I'd want to be friends with are genre fiction characters (and very often Robin McKinley's creations). Eliza Bennett and Jane Eyre come to mind, of course, and then characters from children's classics (Sara Crewe, Mary Lennox) and coming-of-age classics (the March girls, Cassandra Mortmain, Scout Finch). I wonder how much of it has to do with when I read their books -- I had a lot more time to really immerse myself in my reading when I was younger.
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:25 AM on July 30, 2013


I'm not finding a lot of people I want to be friends with.

Too many of the greatest fictional characters would be either a drag or too exhausting. Hamlet? Please. James Bond? Fine if I'm a hottie or need to kill a world-threatening mad plutocrat, otherwise no. Tom Ripley? I'd leave town to avoid him. There aren't many on the PR list I'd really want to be friends with even if I wanted to meet them at a party. Doing bro stuff with Jake Barnes might be fun, but he'd be hard guy to be pals with, I think, and if he took a dislike to you, then he'd badmouth you all over Paris.

So, off the top of my head, my dinner party invitations to a short list of literary characters I think I would want to be friends with, at least: Helen and Tibby Schlegel, Cassandra Edwards, Charles Newman, Sally Jay Gorce, Prior Walter, Isobel Archer, Jonathan Hullah, MD, Léa de Lonval, Dick Diver, MD, Anna Madrigal, and Travis McGee.

Also, I want to think that "Nurse" is Nursie.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:59 AM on July 30, 2013


octobersurprise: "Tom Ripley? I'd leave town to avoid him"

I appreciate the effort and feel the same way, but I'm pretty sure one does not end a friendship with Tom Ripley without Tom Ripley deciding it is over.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:02 AM on July 30, 2013


This reminds me of Woody Allen's great short story The Kugelmass Episode.
posted by SisterHavana at 6:01 PM on July 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


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