Clearly you think you're a home design genius.

October 9, 2013 3:12 PM

But I will give you credit for the steampunky indoor cat maze.
posted by Kitteh (89 comments total)

#8 NOPE

NOPE NOPE


NOPE.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:17 PM on October 9, 2013 [7 favorites]

5. Beach Sand Under Your Work Desk

Good lord why. It would be EVERYWHERE within a day.
posted by T.D. Strange at 3:26 PM on October 9, 2013 [28 favorites]

I'll see your steampunk cat tube and raise you The Cat's House. There's also a book.
posted by JoeZydeco at 3:28 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

21. Pirate Ship Bedroom For Yourself

Yes. Yes it is.

24. Hammock Over the Stairs

"You going down the stairs?"
"Dude, no way. You'll fart on me."
"Nah, dude, nah. I'm empty."
"You'll fart on me!"
"Nah dude. C'mon you'll be late for work."
"Ok."
**pppppbbbbbbtttttt**
"DUDE! NOT COOL!"
"Dude..."
posted by charred husk at 3:28 PM on October 9, 2013 [10 favorites]

The pirate ship bedroom previously.
posted by Dr-Baa at 3:39 PM on October 9, 2013

I'll see your steampunk cat tube and raise you The Cat's House...

I would be getting slapped in the head constantly if I built that.
posted by TrialByMedia at 3:42 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

What I want is a video of the shadows on the wall when the Haunted Forest Chandelier swings to and fro.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:43 PM on October 9, 2013 [7 favorites]

#15: The Impossibility of Dirt in the Mind of Someone Clean
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:50 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

#21: "Arr! Shiver me timbers! Someone, anyone, shiver me timbers, oh god"
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:51 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

Things to do when you are rich.
posted by lumpenprole at 3:51 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]

#24: Greatest Prank/Murder Ever
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:51 PM on October 9, 2013

Many of these are terrible ideas.
posted by maryr at 3:56 PM on October 9, 2013 [18 favorites]

Needs more conversation pits.
posted by ckape at 3:56 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

There's a fine line dividing stupidity and style.
posted by TwelveTwo at 3:58 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

What I want is a video of the shadows on the wall when the Haunted Forest Chandelier swings to and fro.

Shepherd: "The forest chandelier is pretty cool."

Me: "Yeah, if you never plan on sleeping again."
posted by Kitteh at 3:59 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

I had no idea there were a bunch of folks out there with bottomless shafts under their toilets.
posted by Lutoslawski at 4:00 PM on October 9, 2013 [10 favorites]

Well, once he upgrades to the new thermal core Mac Pro sandbox guy will be able to have sand blowing out of the top of his mac like a mini Mt. Vesuvius! (For a day.)
posted by cjorgensen at 4:03 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

What I want is a video of the shadows on the wall when the Haunted Forest Chandelier swings to and fro.

Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath!
posted by JHarris at 4:03 PM on October 9, 2013 [7 favorites]

I had no idea there were a bunch of folks out there with bottomless shafts under their toilets.

It's not commonly known, but all toilets have bottomless shafts under them, whether or not the floor is made of glass.
posted by figurant at 4:05 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

I would not want to work in that mine.
posted by JHarris at 4:05 PM on October 9, 2013 [5 favorites]

Smithers! Bring me more little people to poop on! Literally! Yes, I want to poop on that man from that show with the dragons!
posted by cjorgensen at 4:10 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

The lowest energy level of any internet conversation is poop jokes. This thread has no more photons to provide towards powering the Metafilter server.
posted by JHarris at 4:14 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Shepherd: "The forest chandelier is pretty cool."

Me: "Yeah, if you never plan on sleeping again."

Wouldn't the light be off when you went to bed, so it wouldn't be a problem? I really want that chandelier. And the door of swatches.
posted by jeather at 4:15 PM on October 9, 2013

The light will be off, but the creatures drawn by it also love the dark.
posted by JHarris at 4:22 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

That ping pong door is the most skymall thing i've ever seen.
posted by OHenryPacey at 4:22 PM on October 9, 2013 [19 favorites]

To the Dude G-Stringing it in the balcony pool. Please don't.
posted by helmutdog at 4:31 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Skymall is an adjective now? I approve.
posted by JHarris at 4:44 PM on October 9, 2013 [8 favorites]

#15 set off the modesty trigger for me, the same way that clear glass shower stalls are likely to do.

As for the bookcase staircase (#17): somebody designs for collectors who have only 12mo trade paperbacks. Pft...amateurs.

/shamelessfan32mo
posted by datawrangler at 4:45 PM on October 9, 2013

The chandelier is cool, my bedroom currently has similar shadows on the wall at night due to a nicely-placed tree and distant streetlight. It's very relaxing to watch.
posted by xiw at 4:46 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

Everyone is going to think that #10 is actually a sex swing.
posted by zixyer at 4:53 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

To the Dude G-Stringing it in the balcony pool. Please don't.

That's a 3d rendering, and I think the design would be impossible to actually build. Setting aside the major safety problem with filling water right up to the lip, there isn't any structural support for the huge weight of water pushing down on the edge of the balcony.
posted by zixyer at 4:58 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

ok #9 is actually brilliant
posted by dabug at 4:58 PM on October 9, 2013

These pictures are really awesome, even if living with some of the actual situations would be impractical.

Right now a lot of the world is filling up with the most boring drywall based developments in history.
posted by poe at 5:04 PM on October 9, 2013

I think #8 would certainly help me after I've been eating a lot of cheese.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:08 PM on October 9, 2013

1. More people want to be able to play ping pong with plausible deniability than I have ever imagined.

2. That swing set table seems like a great way to have a nice evening spoiled by minor injuries and, perhaps, vomiting.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:20 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

In #8, The "bottomless shaft" is actually a simple but clever optical illusion with a 1-way glass on top with its mirror facing downward towards another mirror, creating the illusion of infinite depth while covering the actual 15' deep hostage pit underneath.
posted by Cookiebastard at 5:27 PM on October 9, 2013 [18 favorites]

You mean "conversation pit".
posted by indubitable at 5:28 PM on October 9, 2013 [16 favorites]

This is probably another sign that I'm officially Old and Boring™, but most of these just made me think of the cleaning implications. I mean, that clear tub and bed aquarium both require being spotlessly clean to look cool. And cleaning the nooks and crannies of that aquarium every weekend doesn't seem very exciting to me. Footprints on the glass floor? Ugly too! I'll take the under-stairs storage, though.

Yup, I'm boring.
posted by primethyme at 5:29 PM on October 9, 2013 [8 favorites]

The balcony pools look incredibly unsafe.

The building codes were photoshopped in.
posted by ovvl at 5:29 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

You mean "conversation pit".

Okay, I now rate this thread at one ♥. Can it make two?
posted by JHarris at 5:30 PM on October 9, 2013

Surely the swingset table would be improved by suspending the actual table as well. You know, to add another few degrees of freedom when you're trying to stab a chunk of food with your fork.
posted by indubitable at 5:30 PM on October 9, 2013 [7 favorites]

Just wait until the cat jumps up to see what you're eating, carrying his momentum directly into the table, sending your Spaghettios careening in a graceful arc to the floor.

It's a great trick that, because of the resulting rewards, cats can easily teach themselves.
posted by JHarris at 5:33 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

Glass Floor and an Open Shaft Below Your Bathroom? See-through Bathtub? Who are these people with the exhibitionism?

When I was too young to remember, Mom and Dad replaced the roof on part of the house,and for a couple of weeks the bathroom just had heavy, translucent plastic over it. Mom remembers waiting until she could hear a plane finish passing over before going in, and hurrying to finish in case another one came by.

Whatever else those shaft people do, I hope they don't keep a Lovecraft anthology for bathroom reading.

I'm thinking I'd fit out my dream house to look like the Enterprise-D. I'd keep one room free to change every time I got bored, and call it the Holodeck.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:00 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

The balcony pools look incredibly unsafe.

It's actually pretty hard to fall out of a pool.
posted by ryanrs at 6:03 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

You guys: Why is nobody talking about the staircase slides?! The only thing I wanted in my house as a kid was either A: A fireman's pole, or B: A slide to the first floor.

Never mind that we lived in a one-floor home... I would have found a way.
posted by KGMoney at 6:04 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

They seem a little redundant. I'd just as soon slide down the bannister.
posted by rifflesby at 6:05 PM on October 9, 2013

Now I want to combine #17 (under the stairs bookcase), #19 (beside the stairs wine rack and larder) and #24 (stair hammock). Combine those with a #8 bottomless pit for sanitation and I'd never have to leave.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:20 PM on October 9, 2013

8 and 24. WTF? HELLS NO! (Why, yes, I am afraid of heights I can see. Why do you ask?)

15. Would be awesome if I wasn't single and the only person around during bathing wasn't my cat.
posted by Samizdata at 6:31 PM on October 9, 2013

The balcony pools look incredibly unsafe.

It's actually pretty hard to fall out of a pool.

Unless it's on a balcony. With spindly little rods trying to hold in tons of water.
posted by ovvl at 6:34 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

8 and 24. WTF? HELLS NO!

I'm now having a Star Wars moment:

#6: Staircase slide suffers from an excess of whimsy, safety railing unnecessary. B-
#8: Excellent vertical shaft, rationale for glass cover unclear. B+
#33: Balcony pool will collapse catastrophically if nudged. A+

Anatour Aldib
Instructor 2nd Class
Imperial Academy of Interior Design
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:46 PM on October 9, 2013 [8 favorites]

I saw this a bit ago and have already begun collecting branches to make #2.

#8 gives me the heebies just looking at it, requiring a fast scroll-by.
posted by _paegan_ at 7:13 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Some of these are real, but some are renders, like the balcony pools (which are by a "cyber architect", a term which I interpret as "guy with a copy of Blender and no notion of how a building stays up").

I like the wine-shaft thing but it sure looks like a series of falls, broken bones, and pinch hazards just waiting to happen. Does the UK not have an OSHA-equivalent?
posted by hattifattener at 7:21 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

Okay, seriously guys, nobody is concerned about the aquarium shattering in the middle of the night and showering your face in glass shards, stinky aquarium water, and angry fish IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHILE YOU SLEEP? It's THE VERY FIRST ITEM! COME ON!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:33 PM on October 9, 2013 [14 favorites]

I'm more concerned about changing the lightbulbs.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:42 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

m It's actually pretty hard to fall out of a pool.

You're not going to fall out of the balcony pools, you're going to fall along with the pool.
posted by jeather at 7:43 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

My complaint with the aquarium bed is that it's too small for Great White sharks.

Seriously, who wouldn't want that to be the first thing you see when you wake up?
posted by indubitable at 7:45 PM on October 9, 2013

#3 triggers a surge of memories of college because its color palette so closely resembles that of the cover of the Life of Leisure EP.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:49 PM on October 9, 2013

Yup, the pain of cleaning many of these just makes them way less fun. No. 14 appeals, though. Maybe because I live in NM, and we like to watch it rain here.
posted by annsunny at 7:55 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure the open shaft bathroom is real, I came across it when looking for bathroom tile patterns last year. Et voila, same site, but there's other refs out there.
posted by ch1x0r at 7:58 PM on October 9, 2013

See-through bathtub? There is nobody, nobody, who looks good naked and flat on their butt. You would have to get into some odd, potentially risk-of-drowning positions to look at all alluring.

Unless you're a merman, I guess.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:59 PM on October 9, 2013

Some of these I love. The forest lampshade, the staircase slide. I was lucky enough to visit the Tate when the Carsten Holler installation was up. Loved it. Only had the courage to work up to the middle one, the medium length slide. That stuff was scary! Our visit, a couple of hours, was punctuated by random screaming as various people plummeted down.

On a sadder note, when my husband's father died and his family had to leave their home - it was a tied house linked to his job - after all their things were packed their mum let them play on the bare mattresses and all the kids remember furious games of sliding down the stairs on those mattresses.
posted by glasseyes at 8:13 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

#1: I hear a noise. I sit up. I bump my head. Tonnes of water pour out over the floor and my fish die. Luckily, my throat has been cut by razor-sharp shards of glass and I do not need to worry about cleaning them up.

#2. Nightmares of Sleeping Beauty's forest, overlaid with Dante's Wood of the Suicides. I'm surprised that the branches don't make little shadowy nightmare faces which silently scream at you, that is the only way forward.

#14. (A Wall That Plays Music When It Rains) I really want to hear this.
posted by Joe in Australia at 8:29 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

Pretty sure #1 is acrylic. I might want to fill it with jellyfish.
posted by hattifattener at 8:50 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Unless you're a merman, I guess.

Finally, Aquaman's time to shine.
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:56 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

To the person who thought the forest lamp would not be scary after you turned out the light, painting the walls with Glow-in-the-dark paint should give you something to ponder while you try to sleep.
posted by boilermonster at 8:57 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

If I wanted to play like I was a merman in the bath. I'd project film of a merman's lower half frolicking underwater onto the side of my perfectly rational opaque bathtub. And I'd have an occasional, "Ooh, what a loivey tail you have, Mr. Merman" added to the piped-in music.

Even if you're Miss or Mr. Fucking Universe and your body looks as good in a coffin of hot water as it does airbrushed with makeup and oil onstage, the view through your tub wall ain't gonna be so pretty once it's full of dirty water; dead, wrinkled skin; and soap scum. And you'd better have a strong back or a highly-motivated servant once the scrubbing starts.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:19 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

Christ, I can't imagine living in a building that plays music when it rains here in Seattle. I mean, yeah, the first few minutes would be all "isn't that lovely" and then afterward it'd be "make it staaaaaaaaahhhhhp" when it's been raining for days and days on end.
posted by emcat8 at 9:30 PM on October 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

There is nobody, nobody, who looks good naked and flat on their butt.

Well, I hate to brag...
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:41 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

Now, now. What's all this body disapproval?
posted by glasseyes at 9:47 PM on October 9, 2013

Regarding the cleaning, I guess if you can afford these designs you probably don't do your own cleaning.

I would never, ever use the loo with the giant pit of doom. Instead I would wander from Starbucks to Starbucks using their facilities, while my ridiculously expensive toilet sat there mocking me, endlessly mocking me...
posted by lesbiassparrow at 9:50 PM on October 9, 2013

So many unbelievably awful ideas! Interspersed with some cool ones. I really want the staircase slide, the under stairs storage, bookcase staircase, and the spiral stair wine storage. Hmm, all stair-themed.
posted by Joh at 10:13 PM on October 9, 2013

There's a lot of structural trust in clear materials on display here. Fish above your head! Deep pit below! This way off the balcony!
posted by user92371 at 10:43 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

ok #9 is actually brilliant

Hard tops that convert your pool table into a regular table are actually a thing. The problem as I understand it is that a good pool table is really massive and not at a height that would be comfortable for a dinning table, so you end up with something that is either crappy to play on but usable for dinning, or a huge, too heavy to move and uncomfortable to sit at dinning table. Probably good as a general gaming table though, for stuff like miniature wargaming.

There's a lot of structural trust in clear materials on display here. Fish above your head!

Not such a huge risk really: the worst failure mode is that you get to sleep with the fishes.
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:07 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

Hey. Hey you guys. You know what the point of that bottomless pit see-through floor toilet thing is?

It's to scare the shit outta you.
posted by GoingToShopping at 11:33 PM on October 9, 2013 [7 favorites]

re: sandbox under your desk: If it's good enough for Brian Wilson, who am I to deny it?
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:37 AM on October 10, 2013

The understairs storage is fucking brilliant. Everything else makes me want to seize people by their shoulders and shake them very hard while shouting NO NO GOOD LORD NO.

The outdoor cat run is good in concept but the execution of it is painfully unattractive. The indoor one looks fantastic but HA HA that thing is going to be full of stress barfs and tantrum poops and special cat treasures salvaged from the garbage, and your house is going to stink and people will rightfully shun you.
posted by elizardbits at 7:14 AM on October 10, 2013 [4 favorites]

Those staircase things all look like slip trip fall hazards to me. Aren't stairways one of the most highly detailed sections of building codes?
posted by bukvich at 7:50 AM on October 10, 2013

There's about half a dozen things here that are genuinely good ideas (the understairs storage) or interesting visual designs (the swatch door, the "indoor outdoor" pool, the bookcase stairway) and then a whole lot of Skymall wankery, but didn't we all know that going in?

but yeah those understairs closets should be mandatory in every home that has stairs so far as I'm concerned
posted by mightygodking at 8:00 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

Damn, those swing chairs look uncomfortable as hell for actually eating. Who reclines like that when eating? All of my shirts would be nothing but spaghetti sauce stains!

Like most other homeowners, the first thing I thing of is what a bitch it would be to clean these things.
posted by Mr. Big Business at 8:01 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

Every time I see an indoor/outdoor pool just thrown in like "oh yes this is our living room pool" (also one time there was a bedroom with the bed sitting on an island in the middle of a pool) I flap my hands like the angriest seal and howl with rage. Just think of how gross and chemical-y your entire house smells now. It's going to be damp and awful and clearly no one thought this one through.

all these people all over the world are living their lives the wrong way without the benefit of my telling them they are stupid and this is upsetting to me
posted by elizardbits at 8:08 AM on October 10, 2013 [7 favorites]

I can practically already see the cloudy film of soapscum and hard water on that bathtub.
posted by desuetude at 8:13 AM on October 10, 2013 [3 favorites]

Just think of how gross and chemical-y your entire house smells now. It's going to be damp and awful and clearly no one thought this one through.

To be fair, this "indoor/outdoor pool" really looks like it's just an outdoor pool with a really elaborate overhang.
posted by mightygodking at 8:15 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

Balcony pools hell. In one of Iain Banks Culture novels, there was a pool attached to the underside of the overhang of an enormous cliff. Just a glass bubble full of water, looking straight down. Now that would take a lot of balls to swim in.
posted by Ber at 8:23 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

So the in-floor kitchen wine chamber sure looks like the embryo storage from Jurassic Park.
posted by invitapriore at 8:43 AM on October 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

My bedroom is illuminated by the reflection of the lights from Wrigley Field. You have no idea how difficult it was to get everything perfectly positioned and timed so I could enjoy that without having to be anywhere near actual cubs fans.
posted by srboisvert at 9:57 AM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

That hammock bed looks a lot like…another thing that one usually hangs from the ceiling, although this other thing is usually black and made of something non-absorbent.
posted by LMGM at 12:06 PM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

I like the wine-shaft thing but it sure looks like a series of falls, broken bones, and pinch hazards just waiting to happen. Does the UK not have an OSHA-equivalent?
posted by hattifattener at 10:21 PM on October 9

Yeah, every time I see a funky spiral staircase, or bookshelf staircase or whatnot, I'm reminded that they're basically outlawed by Ontario building codes (unless they're made enormous). No wonder too - as great as they look, I feel like I'm going to slip and plunge to my death whenever I descend one.

The understairs storage is fucking brilliant.
posted by elizardbits at 10:14 AM

Not really. In most multi-storey houses the space under the stairs is already taken up by another flight of stairs down to the basement - Easier to frame, and you waste less floor space that way. Even if we're talking about basement stairs (or you don't have a basement), that space is almost always more productively used as a closet or half-bath. Here's a better blend of staircase, slide and storage (assuming you have the space).

Despite my quibbles, there are some amazing ideas here though. Personal faves: the forest lamp, indoor/outdoor pool, swing table and pirate-ship bedroom.
posted by Popular Ethics at 2:13 PM on October 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

...nobody is concerned about the aquarium shattering in the middle of the night and showering your face in ... angry fish IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHILE YOU SLEEP?

Eh, goldfish not so much, but for those dedicated collectors of piranha, maybe I won't be spending the night.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:00 PM on October 10, 2013

MetaFilter: damp and awful and clearly no one thought this one through.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:35 AM on October 11, 2013 [2 favorites]