Girl, you must be a somebody because you are an unspecified person

November 20, 2013 6:16 AM

You Must Be: A tautological pickup line generator by Darius Kazemi (tinysubversions).
posted by oulipian (160 comments total)

"Girl, you must be a madman because you are a man who is or seems to be mentally ill."

I must try that one out on my wife. Smooooth.
posted by pipeski at 6:19 AM on November 20, 2013 [9 favorites]

Girl, you must be a veterinarian because you are a person who practices veterinary medicine.

You know, I said this exact thing to my vet the other day, except I called her Doctor, and I left out the obvious part because I was really just asking about my cat, and it seemed superfluous.

Boy, you must be a probation because you are a trial period in which a student is given time to try to redeem failing grades or bad conduct.

This one, however, I am saving for a special someone.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:19 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

"Girl, you must be a masterpiece because you are an outstanding work of art or craft."

"Boy, you must be a letdown because you are a disappointment: The cancellation of the game was a real letdown."

ouch.
posted by jquinby at 6:20 AM on November 20, 2013 [7 favorites]

"Girl, you must be a spinster because you are a single woman."

That one actually made sense.
posted by pipeski at 6:21 AM on November 20, 2013 [6 favorites]

Boy, you must be a Farrell because you are farrell, James Thomas 1904-1979. American writer best known for his Studs Lonigan trilogy of novels (1932-1935), which concerns the hardships that faced Irish-American Catholics in the early 20th century.

The most specific pickup line ever.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:21 AM on November 20, 2013 [29 favorites]

Girl, you must be a new grammatical construction, because reasons.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 6:23 AM on November 20, 2013 [73 favorites]

OK, I am going to stop, because I have work to do, but:

Boy, you must be a dormitory because you are a room providing sleeping quarters for a number of persons.

Jeeze, if you are mad because he's maybe sleeping around a little more than you are comfortable with, why don't you just say so? The idea is pickup not putdown.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:24 AM on November 20, 2013 [6 favorites]

Boy, you must be a billiard because you are see carom.

I guess not. Regardless of the angle from which I look at this sentence, it makes no sense.
posted by three blind mice at 6:28 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

"Girl, you must be a sizzle because you are to make the hissing sound characteristic of frying fat."

That's what I'm talking about.
posted by pipeski at 6:31 AM on November 20, 2013 [21 favorites]

Girl, you must be a johnny because you are a loose short-sleeved gown opening in the back, worn by patients undergoing medical treatment or examination.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:35 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Girl, you must be an ejaculation because you are an abrupt discharge of fluid.

Rather too forward, I dare say.
posted by Thing at 6:35 AM on November 20, 2013 [5 favorites]

Needs more Night Vale Radio.
posted by mhoye at 6:36 AM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a piston because you are a solid cylinder or disk that fits snugly into a larger cylinder and moves under fluid pressure, as in a reciprocating engine, or displaces or compresses fluids, as in pumps and compressors.

YEAH you are!
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:38 AM on November 20, 2013 [9 favorites]

Girl, you must be a roadblock because you are an obstruction in a road, as fallen rocks or trees.

I'LL TAKE IT
posted by Kitteh at 6:41 AM on November 20, 2013 [6 favorites]

Girl, you must be a chap because you are to cause (the skin) to roughen, redden, or crack, especially as a result of cold or exposure: The headwind chapped the cyclist's lips.

But it's cool, I'm openminded.

(PS Can we call trans guys "trans chaps" from now on? FtC: Female-to-Chap.)
posted by Thing at 6:41 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a tiger because you are any of various similar wild felines, such as the jaguar, mountain lion, or lynx.

Or cougar.

Girl, you must be a Hinduism because you are a diverse body of religion, philosophy, and cultural practice native to and predominant in India, characterized by a belief in reincarnation and a supreme being of many forms and natures, by the view that opposing theories are aspects of one eternal truth, and by a desire for liberation from earthly evils.

I want to watch someone reciting that line while drunk.


Girl, you must be a keeper because you are an attendant, a guard, or a warden.
posted by Foosnark at 6:41 AM on November 20, 2013 [6 favorites]

Girl, you must be an inscribe because you are to draw within a figure so as to touch in as many places as possible.
posted by oulipian at 6:42 AM on November 20, 2013 [10 favorites]

Is this what you young people call 'negging'?
posted by Segundus at 6:45 AM on November 20, 2013 [7 favorites]

I cannot help myself!

Boy, you must be a gigabit because you are computer Science One billion bits.

I... actually think this would work on some people.

Boy, you must be a Buddhism because you are the teaching of Buddha that life is permeated with suffering caused by desire, that suffering ceases when desire ceases, and that enlightenment obtained through right conduct, wisdom, and meditation releases one from desire, suffering, and rebirth.

Very nice, but kind of long, and I don't think overcoming desire is your purpose, but bonus marks if you can get that out in one breath.

Girl, you must be an unreality because you are a lack of ability to deal with reality.

This is more of a breakup line than a pickup line. And... you know, kind of a crappy thing to say.

Boy, you must be a successor because you are one that succeeds another.

Write me if this works for you, OK?
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:52 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Girl, you must be a sinner because you are a scamp.

I think I may have accidentally found the Delta Blues Lyric Generator?
posted by capricorn at 6:55 AM on November 20, 2013 [31 favorites]

Girl, you must be a steroid because you are any of numerous naturally occurring or synthetic fat-soluble organic compounds having as a basis 17 carbon atoms arranged in four rings and including the sterols and bile acids, adrenal and sex hormones, certain natural drugs such as digitalis compounds, and the precursors of certain vitamins.

I'm going to use this one on my wife tonight.
posted by phong3d at 6:57 AM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be an angel because you are informal A financial backer of an enterprise, especially a dramatic production or a political campaign

This... went in a somewhat different direction than I was expecting.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:58 AM on November 20, 2013 [15 favorites]

Girl, you must be an onion because you are the rounded edible bulb of this plant, composed of fleshy, tight, concentric leaf bases having a pungent odor and taste.

Great for vegetarians.
posted by XMLicious at 6:59 AM on November 20, 2013 [5 favorites]

She leaned over the bar, watching his neck turn as red as her beaded cocktail dress at the display of her firm, tanned breasts. She slipped two scarlet-tipped fingers into his highball glass, pulled out an ice cube, and ran it seductively over her full, pouting lips before sliding it over her pink tongue and into her soft, waiting mouth. He patted his suddenly-perspiring forehead with a napkin as she slowly sucked the melting ice, momentarily closing her impossibly huge brown eyes in ecstasy, and then meeting his gaze head-on as she smiled and swallowed. Dumbstruck, he ran his hungry eyes over her lush, raven hair, her sooty lashes, and her long, lean legs. She leaned over again, her exotic jasmine perfume invading his senses, and murmured in his ear.

"Boy, you must be a provost because you are the keeper of a prison."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:59 AM on November 20, 2013 [9 favorites]

Girl, you must be a suite because you are a group of related things intended to be used together; a set.

Girl, you must be a blower because you are one that blows, especially a mechanical device, such as a fan, that produces a current of air.

Boy, you must be a sultan because you are a powerful person: a sultan of vice and corruption.

Boy, you must be a sonnet because you are a poem in this form.
posted by burnmp3s at 6:59 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a boyfriend because you are a male friend.

Boy, you must be a gusher because you are one that gushes, especially an abundantly flowing gas or oil well.

Boy, you must be a toddler because you are one who toddles, especially a young child learning to walk.

Boy, you must be a showman because you are a theatrical producer.


well then.
posted by kagredon at 6:59 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Boy, you must be a boating because you are the activity of going out onto a body of water in a boat

Plus, you've only doe it twice: the first time you got seasick, and the second time you lost your hat!
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:04 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

It always helps to offer some synonyms, in case the person seems confused.
posted by orme at 7:04 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

Girl, you must be Jamaican because you are a native or inhabitant of Jamaica, an island in the Caribbean Sea, comprising the third-largest island of the Greater Antilles.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 7:05 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

This could also be made into a pretty respectable Jeff Foxworthy-ism generator:

If you are a glazed, ring-shaped roll with a tough, chewy texture, made from plain yeast dough that is dropped briefly into nearly boiling water and then baked, well then, you might be a bagel.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:06 AM on November 20, 2013 [17 favorites]

"Boy, you must be a stripping because you are present participle of strip."

I suppose there are worse ways to tell someone to get naked. Not many, though.
posted by NoraReed at 7:12 AM on November 20, 2013 [8 favorites]

Dang, Girl, you must be a Metafilter because you are known as MeFi to your members, and are a general-interest community weblog, founded in 1999 and based in the United States, featuring links to content that users have discovered on the web.
posted by lalochezia at 7:13 AM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]

Girl, you must be a brisket, because you are made from the chest of an animal.

This might work with fundamentalists gone wild.
posted by Steakfrites at 7:15 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be an algorithm because you are a step-by-step problem-solving procedure, especially an established, recursive computational procedure for solving a problem in a finite number of steps.

I would seriously consider going home with someone who said this to me.

Boy, you must be a conduit because you are a tube or duct for enclosing electric wires or cable.

Mmm.
posted by eunoia at 7:16 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

I don't know why but this imparts a sense of zen-like peace.
posted by The Whelk at 7:18 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Girl, you must be a good-by because you are alternative spelling of goodbye.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:21 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Girl, you must be a snowman because you are a figure of a person made from packed snow, usually formed by piling large snowballs on top of each other.
posted by oulipian at 7:26 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be a degeneration because you are the state of being degenerate.

This brings back memories...
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:27 AM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a peninsula because you are a piece of land that projects into a body of water and is connected with the mainland by an isthmus.

Oh myyyyy, getting a bit warm in here.
posted by like_neon at 7:27 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

Boy, you must be a desirability because you are the state of being desirable.

The sentiment is right, but the delivery is not so good.
posted by Kabanos at 7:28 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Girl, you must be a firestorm because you are a fire of great size and intensity that generates and is fed by strong inrushing winds from all sides: the firestorm that leveled Hiroshima after the atomic blast.

It's almost poetry, that one.
posted by like_neon at 7:29 AM on November 20, 2013 [8 favorites]

Here's one for the objectivists:

Boy, you must be an integrity because you are steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
posted by Kabanos at 7:30 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

I prefer the Marx brothers version:

Girl, you must be a viaduct, because a duck conduit in water.
Boy, you couldn't be a sanity clause because there is no such thing as a sanity clause.
Boy, last night you must have shot an elephant in your pajamas. How he got in your pajamas, I'll never know.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:30 AM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]

Girl, you must be a cosmo because you are cosmopolitan

I like that one actually.
posted by schwa at 7:30 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be an inferno because you are a place of fiery heat or destruction.

I think this one is for later in the relationship.
posted by Hicksu at 7:31 AM on November 20, 2013 [5 favorites]

Boy, you must be a demon because you are a persistently tormenting person, force, or passion: the demon of drug addiction.


I dated him.

Damn, why do these things just work? The human brain is so interesting that it takes such a random juxtaposition of banal definitions delivered in a pickup line format and inserts actual meaning and humor to it. Love being human sometimes.
posted by like_neon at 7:32 AM on November 20, 2013 [7 favorites]

Girl, you must be a homicide because you are a person who kills another person.

*Puts on sunglasses*

[Guitar]
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:36 AM on November 20, 2013 [7 favorites]

Girl, you must be an entity because you are the existence of something considered apart from its properties.

"And I thought he didn't know I existed!"
posted by Kabanos at 7:41 AM on November 20, 2013 [5 favorites]

Boy, you must be a spoiler because you are one who seizes spoils or booty.

See that works!
posted by Kabanos at 7:42 AM on November 20, 2013 [6 favorites]

"Girl, you must be a felicity because you are a cause or instance of great happiness."

Awwww.

"Girl, you must be a buttermilk because you are the slightly sour liquid left after butter has been churned."

Yeaaaah, that one's more accurate.
posted by Erasmouse at 7:43 AM on November 20, 2013 [8 favorites]

Boy, you must be a gentleman because you are a man of independent means who does not need to have a wage-paying job.
posted by idiopath at 7:52 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Girl, you must be an insistence because you are an urgent demand
posted by idiopath at 7:53 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Girl, you must be a neighbourhood because you are the infinitesimal open set of all points that may be reached directly from a given point; The set of all the vertices adjacent to a given vertex
Woah.

Girl, you must be a brothel because you are a house of prostitution.
How rude.

Girl, you must be a loser because you are one who takes loss in a specified way: a graceful loser; a poor loser.

Girl, you must be a loser because you are one that fails to win: the losers of the game.

Girl, you must be a marsh because you are an area of soft, wet, low-lying land, characterized by grassy vegetation and often forming a transition zone between water and land.

Boy, you must be a joseph because you are a long riding coat with a small cape, worn by women in the 18th century.

Boy, you must be a bureaucrat because you are a member of the bureaucracy.
Tautologically correct: the best kind of correct.

Boy, you must be a boulder because you are a large rounded mass of rock lying on the surface of the ground or embedded in the soil.
The Boulder agrees with your assessment and is ready to ROCK your world!

Boy, you must be a pornography because you are sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.

Boy, you must be a holocaust because you are the genocide of European Jews and others by the Nazis during World War II: "Israel emerged from the Holocaust and is defined in relation to that catastrophe” ( Emanuel Litvinoff)
Nope, that's it.
posted by singletee at 7:54 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

cannot wait to try these lines at the club

*tips le fedora*
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:55 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Boy, you must be a whereabout because you are about where.

???
posted by ogooglebar at 7:57 AM on November 20, 2013 [7 favorites]

Boy, you must be a godsend because you are something wanted or needed that comes or happens unexpectedly.

I have never encountered a more tender assuaging of a fragile male ego.
posted by ogooglebar at 7:59 AM on November 20, 2013 [7 favorites]

Boy, you must be a superman because you are an ideal superior man who, according to Nietzsche, forgoes transient pleasure, exercises creative power, lives at a level of experience beyond standards of good and evil, and is the goal of human evolution. Also called overman.

Yeah, boyee. Also called overman; thass me.
posted by Curious Artificer at 8:02 AM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]

Boy, you must be a poker because you are one that pokes, especially a metal rod used to stir a fire.

Yeow!
posted by Kabanos at 8:10 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be an aurora because you are the dawn.

How beautiful is that?!

Boy, you must be a curbing because you are the material used to construct a curb.

Less so.

Girl, you must be a macaroni because you are a well-traveled young Englishman of the 18th and 19th centuries who affected foreign customs and manners.

Um...
posted by billiebee at 8:11 AM on November 20, 2013 [7 favorites]

Girl, you must be a misogyny because you are hatred of women.

Don't think I'd try that one.
posted by pugg at 8:12 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Girl, you must be a mammal because you are any of various warm-blooded vertebrate animals of the class Mammalia, including humans, characterized by a covering of hair on the skin and, in the female, milk-producing mammary glands for nourishing the young.

How a simple statement of fact can sound creepy, on many levels.
posted by sively at 8:15 AM on November 20, 2013 [12 favorites]

Definitely a mixed bag, but as like_neon pointed out, these are definitely ponderable because they are capable of being considered carefully or deeply.
posted by achrise at 8:16 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

Girl, you must be a bloke because you are chiefly British Slang A fellow; a man.

Girl, you must be an amplifier because you are one who amplifies or extends.

...not that there's anything wrong with that.
posted by Rallon at 8:16 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Girl, you must be a beholder because you are someone who observes or beholds; an observer or spectator essentially a floating head with one single, cyclops-like eye surrounded by ten smaller eye stalks.
posted by mean square error at 8:16 AM on November 20, 2013 [6 favorites]

Boy, you must be a superman because you are an ideal superior man who, according to Nietzsche, forgoes transient pleasure, exercises creative power, lives at a level of experience beyond standards of good and evil, and is the goal of human evolution. Also called overman.
posted by emelenjr at 8:20 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be a burrito because you are a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling, as of beef, beans, or cheese.

You had me at "burrito".
posted by Kabanos at 8:20 AM on November 20, 2013 [6 favorites]

Boy, you must be a playground because you are a field or sphere of unrestricted pleasurable activity.

Your body is a field or sphere of unrestricted pleasurable activity was better with the original lyrics.
posted by telegraph at 8:21 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Boy, you must be a bucking because you are a washing.

Could someone please explain this one, because it makes no sense to me on any level.
posted by ogooglebar at 8:23 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a lactose because you are a white crystalline substance obtained from whey and used in infant foods, bakery products, confections, and pharmaceuticals as a diluent and excipient. Also called milk sugar.

At last, the perfect stage name for a pale Western European stripper!

/ dramatic lactose intolerant sobbing
posted by nicodine at 8:25 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a zombie because you are a tall mixed drink made of various rums, liqueur, and fruit juice.

mmm...tall mixed drink.
posted by mean square error at 8:26 AM on November 20, 2013

ogooglebar: bucking

(also, I figured this out in an eponypropriate way to be sure)
posted by idiopath at 8:27 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Could someone please explain this one, because it makes no sense to me on any level.

The OED says:

bucking, n.1 -- The operation of steeping or boiling yarn, cloth, or clothes in a lye of wood ashes, etc., in the old process of bleaching, or in buck-washing; the quantity of clothes, etc. so treated; app. also the lye used in the process. Cf. blacking n.1

Also, interestingly:

bucking, n.2 -- The copulation of certain animals. Also attrib.

So it actually works as an obscure, archaic double entendre!
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:28 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

idiopath, I claim the most scholarly "jinx" yet! If we are ever at a meetup, I owe you a (probably non-alkaline) beverage!
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:37 AM on November 20, 2013

mean square error: Girl, you must be a beholder because you are someone who observes or beholds; an observer or spectator essentially a floating head with one single, cyclops-like eye surrounded by ten smaller eye stalks.

Okay, I feel like Darius Kazemi is messing with me, because -- I kid you not -- I just got this one:
Boy, you must be a beholder because you are a fictional monster in roleplaying games, a floating orb of flesh with a large mouth and many eyes on stalks.

I should probably get back to doing work.
posted by mean square error at 8:37 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be an ignition because you are a switch that activates this system.

VAROOOM!
posted by Kabanos at 8:38 AM on November 20, 2013 [11 favorites]

Strangely compelling.

Girl, you must be a dereliction because you are willful neglect, as of duty or principle.

Girl, you must be a contamination because you are the state of being contaminated.
posted by walrus at 8:40 AM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a radish because you are the pungent root of this plant, eaten raw as an appetizer and in salads.


This is a toss your salad kind of thing, is it?
posted by Kabanos at 8:43 AM on November 20, 2013

I feel this sudden urge to find a tree and, like, kiss it.
posted by mikurski at 8:44 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a benediction because you are a blessing.

Is that your line?

Girl, you must be a disloyalty because you are a disloyal act.

Do I know you?

Girl, you must be a refusal because you are the act or an instance of refusing.

*punching ensues*

Girl, you must be a vehemence because you are a wild or turbulent ferocity or fury.

*kicking ensues*
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:45 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a harassment because you are deliberate pestering or annoying.

If that doesn't get her motor running I might as well give up.
posted by Proofs and Refutations at 8:49 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Girl, you must be an orgasm because you are the peak of sexual excitement, characterized by strong feelings of pleasure and by a series of involuntary contractions of the muscles of the genitals, usually accompanied by the ejaculation of semen by the male. Also called climax.

What, too much?
posted by Kabanos at 8:50 AM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a blowout because you are a sudden rupture or bursting, as of an automobile tire.

*sad trombone*
posted by Room 641-A at 8:57 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

Girl, you must be a MetaFilter because you are a weblog that anyone can contribute a link or a comment to.
posted by Kabanos at 9:00 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a nightmare because you are an intensely unpleasant or frightening experience.

Hm. I don't know if that will win me any points.
posted by one of these days at 9:12 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Girl, you must be a psychotherapy because you are the treatment of mental and emotional disorders through the use of psychological techniques designed to encourage communication of conflicts and insight into problems, with the goal being relief of symptoms, changes in behavior leading to improved social and vocational functioning, and personality growth.

I'm confused. Are you hitting on me? Is that good?
posted by maryr at 9:17 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be an airing because you are exposure to public attention.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaang.
posted by maryr at 9:19 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a retina because you are a delicate, multilayered, light-sensitive membrane lining the inner eyeball and connected by the optic nerve to the brain.

Boy, you must be a reign because you are dominance or widespread influence: the reign of reason.

Girl, you must be a childbirth because you are the human act or process of giving birth; parturition.

I feel like some of these are the sort of thing that an alien intelligence who does not quite understand how pickup lines work would say.

Girl, you must be an appendix because you are an appendage.
wait what
posted by NMcCoy at 9:22 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a scrimmage because you are a rough-and-tumble struggle; a tussle..

Hot.

Girl, you must be a gravity because you are the natural force of attraction between any two massive bodies, which is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.

Hotter.

Girl, you must be a joystick because you are the control stick of an aircraft.

Nope. Stop.

---

Boy, you must be a coconut because you are a coconut palm.

Oh come on, that's not even a good definition.
posted by maryr at 9:29 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Wait, some of these definitions are just *wrong*.

Girl, you must be a gnome because you are a pithy saying that expresses a general truth or fundamental principle; an aphorism.

That is not what a gnome is. Is it? Have I been misunderstanding gnomes all this time?
posted by maryr at 9:31 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Here's one I'll not be using:

Girl, you must be a flotilla, because you are a small fleet.
posted by Mister_A at 9:35 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Girl, you must be the Treaty of Westphalia, because if I see you up in here one more time, I'm banning Meatbomb.
posted by Mister_A at 9:37 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

"Boy you must be a peeling because your a piece or strip, as of skin or vegetable rind, that has been peeled off."


I win.
posted by Iridic at 9:38 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Girl, you must be an attribution because you are something, such as a quality or characteristic, that is related to a particular possessor; an attribute.

I, uh - I think you're not getting how this works. You're supposed to fill in those variables.

Boy, you must be a diatribe because you are a bitter, abusive denunciation.

Ouch!

Boy, you must be a timing because you are the synchronization of the sparking of the plugs with the movement of the pistons in an internal-combustion engine.

Synchronization, sparking, movement of the pistons... okay, that's sort of workable, actually.

Boy, you must be a need because you are necessity; obligation: There is no need for you to go.

Nailed it.
posted by NMcCoy at 9:38 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Girl, you must be a flotilla, because you are a small fleet.

Chatting up quarians is so hard.
posted by NoraReed at 9:39 AM on November 20, 2013

maryr: That is not what a gnome is. Is it? Have I been misunderstanding gnomes all this time?

I just got: Boy, you must be a gnome because you are in the occult philosophy of Paracelsus, a being that has earth as its element.
posted by NMcCoy at 9:40 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be a polygamist because you are one who practices polygamy.
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 9:42 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

She: Boy, you must be a curiosity...

Me: Mmm, go on.

She: ...because you are archaic Fastidiousness.

Me: Uh...I gotta go.
posted by Brak at 9:46 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be a friendship because you are the quality or condition of being friends.

Friendzoned!
posted by Kabanos at 9:51 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

Don't tell this to the wrong person:

Boy, you must be a resurrection because you are christianity The rising again of Jesus on the third day after the Crucifixion.
posted by Mister_A at 9:53 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a debauchery because you are orgies.

WIN.
posted by palomar at 9:57 AM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]

Yeah but some day you come to realize that maybe you don't want a girlfriend who's orgies. Maybe just orgy.
posted by Mister_A at 9:59 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be a driver because you are a tool , such as a screwdriver or hammer, that is used for imparting forceful pressure on another object.

This is more like an insult generator for bicyclists.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:00 AM on November 20, 2013

This one is bizarrely amazing and poetic: "Boy, you must be an enthusiasm because you are archaic Ecstasy arising from supposed possession by a god."
posted by en forme de poire at 10:02 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Girl, you must be a payload...

Ooh, I know this one - "because you're the bomb", right?

...because you are the total weight of passengers and cargo that an aircraft carries or can carry.

Oh dear.
posted by NMcCoy at 10:10 AM on November 20, 2013 [13 favorites]

Girl, you must be a personage because you are a person.

I mean, if you say it to enough people it'll probably work eventually.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:18 AM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a knave because you are a male servant.

Ehhh... no thanks. Not really into that sort of thing...

Boy, you must be an obstructionist because you are one who systematically blocks or interrupts a process, especially one who attempts to impede passage of legislation by the use of delaying tactics, such as a filibuster.

Ah, yep, that's right, you're onto me, I'll just be going now...

Boy, you must be a pretzel because you are a glazed, brittle biscuit that is usually salted on the outside and baked in the form of a loose knot or a stick.

oh god please don't hurt me
posted by NMcCoy at 10:20 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a saucer because you are an object similar in shape to a saucer.
posted by agentofselection at 10:27 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Even for a tautology, that saucer one is... weak sauce(r)
posted by Mister_A at 10:29 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Boy, you must be a thong because you are a narrow strip, as of leather, used for binding or lashing."

"Girl, you must be an extravaganza because you are an elaborate, spectacular entertainment or display."

"Boy, you must be a stunner because you are an astounding, unexpected event."

"Girl, you must an accelerator because you are a substance that increases the speed of a reaction."

Um ... is this website ... actually hitting on me?
posted by kyrademon at 10:32 AM on November 20, 2013 [5 favorites]

Boy, you must be a stunner because you are an astounding, unexpected event.

Ooh, that's a keeper.
posted by bethnull at 10:32 AM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]

Girl, you must be a toothbrush because you are a brush used for cleaning teeth.

This one, less so...
posted by bethnull at 10:34 AM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a scorer because you are one who scores.

Hell yeah
posted by pemberkins at 10:35 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Girl, you must be a tautology, because you're the saying of the same thing twice in different words.
posted by HeroZero at 10:35 AM on November 20, 2013

Dang it Darius, finish your Spelunky series so I can post about it!
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:36 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be a hamster because you are a small Eurasian rodent of the subfamily Cricetinae, especially Mesocricetus auratus, having large cheek pouches and a short tail and often kept as a pet or used in laboratory research.

Well, they nailed that one.
posted by Curious Artificer at 10:42 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a tautology, because you're the saying of the same thing twice in different words.

Oh, yeah? Well, you never put the cap back on the toothpaste!
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:43 AM on November 20, 2013

Some of these are very Monty Python-esque.
posted by Mister_A at 10:44 AM on November 20, 2013

I also love my last one as a Jeff Foxworthyism: If you are a small Eurasian rodent of the subfamily Cricetinae, especially Mesocricetus auratus, having large cheek pouches and a short tail and often kept as a pet or used in laboratory research, well then, you might be a hamster.
posted by Curious Artificer at 10:44 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a subsistence because you are christianity Hypostasis.

And then, sex.
posted by FatherDagon at 10:46 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Girl, you must be a titanium because you are a strong, low-density, highly corrosion-resistant, lustrous white metallic element that occurs widely in igneous rocks and is used to alloy aircraft metals for low weight, strength, and high-temperature stability. Atomic number 22; atomic weight 47.87 melting point 1,660°C; boiling point 3,287°C; specific gravity 4.54; valence 2, 3, 4. See Table at element.

Some people really don't know when to quit.
posted by NMcCoy at 10:57 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be a seduction because you are the condition of being seduced.
posted by jeudi at 11:34 AM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a craving because you are a consuming desire; a yearning.

Well, that worked better.
posted by jeudi at 11:36 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Girl, you must be a wingnut because you are a nut having wing-like projections so that it can be turned easily by hand.

Yep, nailed it.
posted by arkady at 11:44 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Boy, you must be a simile because you are a figure of speech in which two essentially unlike things are compared, often in a phrase introduced by like or as, as in "How like the winter hath my absence been” or "So are you to my thoughts as food to life” (Shakespeare).

This one is so amazingly close to being perfect, except it's actually a metaphor
posted by en forme de poire at 11:59 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

by hand:

Boy, you must be a metaphor because you are a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them.
posted by en forme de poire at 12:12 PM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a metaphor because you are like a simile.
posted by The Whelk at 12:37 PM on November 20, 2013 [11 favorites]

Girl, you must be a diorama because you are a scene reproduced on cloth transparencies with various lights shining through the cloths to produce changes in effect, intended for viewing at a distance through an aperture.

These are the best.
posted by brentajones at 12:44 PM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be an idiot because you are a foolish or stupid person.

Well.
posted by jennaratrix at 12:51 PM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]

Boy, you must be an impertinence because you are irrelevance.

I fear this is the reply I would get if trying any of these.
posted by walrus at 1:20 PM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a yearning because you are a persistent, often wistful or melancholy desire; a longing: a yearning for romance and adventure.

I feel like this tautological pickup line generator gets me in a way no other tautological pickup line generator has.
posted by MoxieProxy at 1:31 PM on November 20, 2013 [5 favorites]

Girl, you must be a hipster because you are slang One who is exceptionally aware of or interested in the latest trends and tastes, especially a devotee of modern jazz.

Finally, a definition of hipster that we can all agree on!
posted by oulipian at 1:37 PM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a workout because you are a strenuous test of ability and endurance.

That one went a bit sour.
posted by ckape at 2:13 PM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be a launcher because you are a device, such as an attached tube or a portable unit, for firing rockets.

Oh my.

Girl, you must be a playmate because you are a companion in play or recreation.

One can hope...

Boy, you must be a hotbed because you are an environment conducive to vigorous growth or development, especially of something undesirable: a hotbed of intrigue.

Oops.

Boy, you must be a shrubbery because you are a group or planting of shrubs.

Ni!
posted by Foosnark at 2:31 PM on November 20, 2013

I went back to site just one last time, and was not disappointed:

Boy, you must be a youth because you are a young person, especially a young male in late adolescence.
posted by Kabanos at 2:44 PM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be an unclefucker because you fucked your uncle yesterday.
posted by pyramid termite at 2:46 PM on November 20, 2013

How to pick up the bartender:

Boy, you must be a bartender because you are one who mixes and serves alcoholic drinks at a bar. Also called barkeeper.
posted by Kabanos at 2:51 PM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be an undersecretary because you are an official directly subordinate to a member of a cabinet.

Sounds dirty. Sir.
posted by Kabanos at 2:54 PM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a cholera because you are an acute infectious disease of the small intestine, caused by the bacterium Vibrio cholerae and characterized by profuse watery diarrhea, vomiting, muscle cramps, severe dehydration, and depletion of electrolytes. Also called Asiatic cholera.

Reader, I married him.
posted by metaman livingblog at 2:59 PM on November 20, 2013 [5 favorites]

Boy, you must be a symptom because you are a characteristic sign or indication of the existence of something else

Yeah, I get that a lot. Usually the something else is "Hell".
posted by nubs at 3:27 PM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be an ethanol because you see alcohol.

Hmm. There's a deep truth in there somewhere.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 3:53 PM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Boy, you must be a refreshment because you are something, such as food or drink, that refreshes."

I like it.

"Girl, you must be a baton because you are a hollow metal rod with a heavy rubber tip or tips that is wielded and twirled by a drum major or drum majorette."

I'm not sure this one should be addressed to Girl.

"Girl, you must be a rudder because you are a controlling agent or influence over direction; a guide."

Something something my pants amirite.

"Girl, you must be a rarity because you are something rare."

Also because you are best pony.

"Girl, you must be a mater because you are chiefly British Mother."

I think I've found who I'm going home with tonight!
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:05 PM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

Boy, you must be a plurality because you are the larger or greater part.

Why, thank you.
posted by Rangi at 5:12 PM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a logic because you are a mode of reasoning: By that logic, we should sell the company tomorrow.

Winningly decisive, I'd say.
posted by numes with an s at 5:18 PM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a thermostat because you are a device, as in a home heating system, a refrigerator, or an air conditioner, that automatically responds to temperature changes and activates switches controlling the equipment.

Started so promisingly but then fell away.
posted by numes with an s at 5:20 PM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be the first part of a sentence fragment, because.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:22 PM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be someone who craves closure, because
posted by en forme de poire at 5:45 PM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Boy, you must be a ball because you are vulgar Slang To have sexual intercourse."

I bet this one works!
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:46 PM on November 20, 2013

Boy, you must be a teaspoonful because you are the amount that a teaspoon can hold.

Jeez, don't rub it in.
posted by swift at 8:24 PM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]

Boy, you must be a fetish because you are something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification.

Boy, you must be a bridegroom because you are a man who is about to be married or has recently been married.

Girl, you must be an indecency because you are something indecent.

Girl, you must be a robot because you are a mechanical device that sometimes resembles a human and is capable of performing a variety of often complex human tasks on command or by being programmed in advance.
posted by maishuno at 8:39 PM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be a palace because you are the official residence of a royal personage.

This sorta works

Boy, you must be an infatuation because you are an object of extravagant, short-lived passion.
posted by maishuno at 8:51 PM on November 20, 2013

Girl, you must be a fornication because you are sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other.

jackpot
posted by raena at 5:54 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wait, it's not fornicating if you're married? Huh. I must have learned something, because I now possess knowledge that I did not previously possess.
posted by maryr at 12:53 PM on November 21, 2013

Boy, you must be a laying because you are present participle of lay.

...Check, please!
posted by Fezboy! at 1:22 PM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Boy, you must be an idiot because you are a person of profound mental retardation having a mental age below three years and generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.
posted by idiopath at 2:48 PM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

Girl, you must be a mamma because you are an organ of female mammals that contains milk-producing glands; a mammary gland.
posted by idiopath at 12:00 PM on November 22, 2013

Ghoul, you must be an undead creature, once human, who feeds on the flesh of corpses. Although the change from human to ghoul has deranged and destroyed your mind, you have a terrible cunning which enables you to hunt your prey most effectively. You attack by clawing with your filthy nails and biting with your fangs. Your touch causes humans (including dwarves, gnomes, half-elves, and halflings, but excluding elves) to become rigid unless a saving throw versus paralyzation is successful. This paralysis lasts for 3-8 (2+1d6) rounds or until negated by a priest.
posted by Sticherbeast at 12:10 PM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]

Your touch causes humans (including dwarves, gnomes, half-elves, and halflings, but excluding elves) to become rigid unless a saving throw

Saucy wink, finger guns.
posted by kagredon at 12:37 PM on November 22, 2013 [5 favorites]

if rigidity lasts longer than 5 rounds, consult your priest
posted by idiopath at 1:27 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

Boy, you must be a kitten because you are to bear kittens.
posted by idiopath at 2:37 PM on November 22, 2013

Someone needs to make a word-a-day calendar out of this. Or better yet, youtube channel.
posted by ckape at 4:43 PM on November 23, 2013