Open the dreamhouse doors, Closet.

November 29, 2013 8:30 AM

"This is a game in which a sentient closet-based AI locks four girls in a room (with giant metal barriers) because one of them smudged her make-up, and forces them to repeatedly apply lipstick and eyeliner to freakishly giant doll heads until he is satisfied. That’s not my arch interpretation of events. That’s what actually happens."
posted by griphus (97 comments total)

After the whole Chell business GlaDos is taking a different approach this time.
posted by The Whelk at 8:34 AM on November 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

I often wonder if the people who design games like this have ever met an actual human girl child.
posted by trunk muffins at 8:40 AM on November 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

OF COURSE I HAVE MET THE HUMAN GIRL CHILD. THEY ACCEPT THE NUTRITION FOOD AND THE EMIT PLEADING-MEWS OF "PLEASE RELEASE ME" AND "I NO LONGER WISH TO APPLY LIPSTICK" TO THE ALL-IMPORTANT BABY HUMAN INFANT HEAD.

I ASSURE YOU THAT MY INTERESTS ARE MERELY AS A FELLOW HUMAN, AND NOT AS SOME SORT OF ROBOT IMPOSTOR. HA! HA! I WOULD KILL SUCH A ROBOT ON SIGHT. WITH MY EYE-LASERS.

NO. I MEAN, A REGULAR LASER, AS HELD IN AN ARM.

AN ARM? I MEAN, A HAND. LIKE THE HAND OF AN APE.

WHICH IS THE SAME AS THE HAND OF A HUMAN.

THE SAME AS MY HAND.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:43 AM on November 29, 2013 [137 favorites]

Is this someone's revenge on their older sister for dress-up time, or something?
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:45 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Now you're thinking with primer.
posted by The Whelk at 8:47 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Look, I think this is gross, but there are plenty of girls to whom this is interesting and fun. I'm not going to judge someone for liking make-up and clothes. I would buy this for my kid if that's what they were into.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:48 AM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's not that it's about makeup and clothes, it's about how inane the gameplay is.
posted by MartinWisse at 8:52 AM on November 29, 2013

Maybe there can be fun games about makeup and fashion that don't involve forced confinement by sinister robots?
posted by The Whelk at 8:52 AM on November 29, 2013 [38 favorites]

Well, there's that.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:53 AM on November 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

I just want to see how the meeting for planning this game went:

"After over two decades of terrible, pink-slathered, no-fun, obvious-cash-in Barbie video games, I think we have a chance for a revolution here. Anyone have any ideas?"

"Let's put actual thought into the writing; something little girls can honestly identify with. Something that really speaks to their experiences as unique individuals."

"No, no that doesn't sound right."

"How about we concentrate on how Barbie has had many different kinds of careers over the decades and show them they can do anything they want. Just like Barbie!"

"No, I don't think that's right for this either. We need something really brand-new."

"What about the psychological atmosphere of a Harlan Ellison short story or maybe a home invasion film?"

"Perfect! How soon can we get this on the shelves?"

"Well, we've only got three people on this dev team so... a week?"

"Make it three days or you're fired."
posted by griphus at 8:53 AM on November 29, 2013 [24 favorites]

"Maybe there can be fun games about makeup and fashion that don't involve forced confinement by sinister robots?"

Nope. Whatever game you come up with can only be improved with forced confinement by sinister robots.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:54 AM on November 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

Maybe there can be fun games about makeup and fashion that don't involve forced confinement by sinister robots?

My daughter downloads them on tablet by the dozen. They're worse - they involve in app purchases.

*shudder*
posted by Artw at 8:54 AM on November 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

Maybe there can be fun games about makeup and fashion that don't involve forced confinement by sinister robots?

I will now be forever sad that Sephora lacks laser gunplay and droids.
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:57 AM on November 29, 2013 [22 favorites]

I have no mascara and I must scream.
posted by The Whelk at 8:58 AM on November 29, 2013 [37 favorites]

I think you could make a case that a lot of mmorpgs are just really elaborate games about makeup and fashion.
posted by velebita at 9:00 AM on November 29, 2013 [14 favorites]

I pretty much assume every game with a dialogue tree is a dating sim.

Laputian machine.
posted by Artw at 9:03 AM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

The date was going well until I said something that set him off. The guy just exploded. Never saw him again.
posted by squinty at 9:07 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

The cake(d base makeup) is a lie?
posted by msbutah at 9:11 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

The few let's plays of the new GTA franchise game I've seen all seem to require at least the first (20-30 minute) episode be devoted to chosing the player's apperance. Mid-twenties gamer dudes love them some paper dolls too.
posted by bonehead at 9:15 AM on November 29, 2013 [23 favorites]

It should be noted that the game is based on the TV show, which is self-aware, sarcastic, and generally pretty funny.
posted by schoolgirl report at 9:17 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Look, I think this is gross, but there are plenty of girls to whom this is interesting and fun. I'm not going to judge someone for liking make-up and clothes. I would buy this for my kid if that's what they were into.

The Equstria Girls dolls being such a hit with my girks has thrown me into self doubt - maybe the more something is an abomination the more likely it IS marketed towards the tastes of actual real kids?

Because those things... /shudder

The cartoon is surprisingly not bad though.
posted by Artw at 9:17 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

So John Kramer funded his hobby by building closet robots for wealthy fashionistas. I always wondered about that.
posted by localroger at 9:19 AM on November 29, 2013

"Maybe there can be fun games about makeup and fashion that don't involve forced confinement by sinister robots?"

I'm not entirely convinced that it's an altogether bad idea to psychologically implant young girls with the idea that makeup is meaningless bullshit some outside entity (call it the patriarchy, call it the cosmetics industry, call it peer pressure) is forcing them to buy and use.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:20 AM on November 29, 2013 [11 favorites]

The patriarchy is not some dude or collection of dudes. The patriarchy is an environment.
posted by Artw at 9:21 AM on November 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

At the very least, games aimed at young boys should teach them how to properly apply eyeliner and how to tell if they're a winter or a summer.
posted by griphus at 9:24 AM on November 29, 2013 [9 favorites]

A black sword really goes with red eyes and milk-white skin.
posted by Artw at 9:25 AM on November 29, 2013 [12 favorites]

Am I the only person who goes out of thier way to make the player character in those games look as goofy as possible? If I have watch my Commander Shepard put the moves on Canadian beefcake I want the satisfaction of seeing his dorky, pasty big nosed face doing it.
posted by The Whelk at 9:27 AM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

I would actually love to see an RPG or deep sandbox game, where social interaction is important and there is weight put on how you present yourself. Like in most GTA-style sandbox games, you can run around in underpants and a pink mohawk and no one bats an eye, crooks or cops or regular people. What if you couldn't go in a club without a nice suit? I know there's games that give you the clothing you need to wear -- Sleeping Dogs does that a lot -- but what if you had to figure it out yourself? Scout the area, figure out what sort of shoes or suit cut or whatever will get you in, track down a store, buy it, etc.

Unfortunately, I suspect a game actually incorporating such things will sell really poorly as the market overlap between it and people who don't understand why they shouldn't wear baseball caps in a restaurant is too great to alienate.
posted by griphus at 9:31 AM on November 29, 2013 [10 favorites]

OTOH I could finally truly master a video game with little effort.
posted by The Whelk at 9:33 AM on November 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

what if you had to figure it out yourself? Scout the area, figure out what sort of shoes or suit cut or whatever will get you in, track down a store, buy it, etc.

Like in Zelda games?
posted by carsonb at 9:34 AM on November 29, 2013

Well, a lot of games, but you get to do it by dying repeatedly.
posted by Artw at 9:39 AM on November 29, 2013

Whatever game you come up with can only be improved with forced confinement by sinister robots.

Would these robots be pushbutton operated?

OTOH I could finally truly master a video game with little effort.

Because you live in a dreamhouse and have a sinistar robot that makes you do things so you have RL experience to go on?
posted by rough ashlar at 9:40 AM on November 29, 2013

jetlagaddict: "I will now be forever sad that Sephora lacks laser gunplay and droids."

Oh, they have it, but you have to unlock VIB Rouge status first.
posted by Dr. Zira at 10:02 AM on November 29, 2013 [8 favorites]

The rogue wore rouge.
posted by jiawen at 10:09 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

So that makes it a rougelike?
posted by jenkinsEar at 10:22 AM on November 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

There are other games about women's issues some of you would prefer = Half the Sky https://www.facebook.com/HalftheGame where you help 'third world' women; and there's http://www.gamesforchange.org/play/neocolonialism/ which involves becoming rich by exploiting workers and polluting resources. (sort of like forced confinement by sadistic robots)
posted by naight at 10:33 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Another weird thing is that to us, they're decorating giant doll heads, but from the perspective of the characters, they're oversized disembodied possibly living and breathing replicas of their own heads.
posted by bleep at 10:34 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

I would actually love to see an RPG or deep sandbox game, where social interaction is important and there is weight put on how you present yourself.

Hofvarpnir Studios stand ready to satisfy any desire you might have in this respect. (Warning: My Little Pony posthuman hard science fiction.)
posted by topynate at 10:35 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

And aggressive video games where you actively shoot and hunt people are smarter and better and cooler and more acceptable how, exactly?

Oh right. Because playing with clothes and makeup and anything pink is dumb. So dumb, you guys. Dumb dumb dumb dumb.

The writer is an asshole.
posted by discopolo at 10:35 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

The Legend Of Zelda: largely a game about smashing pots, horticulture.
posted by The Whelk at 10:38 AM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

Oh right. Because playing with clothes and makeup and anything pink is dumb. So dumb, you guys. Dumb dumb dumb dumb.


See, I really didn't get that impression-- I thought his review was harsh because the game is expensive, short, simplistic, creepy, and bad. I'm all in favor of awesome games around fashion and makeup, but I am less in favor of poorly designed and overpriced schlock marketed to girls just because it's coated in pink.
posted by jetlagaddict at 10:43 AM on November 29, 2013 [17 favorites]

I'm not entirely convinced that it's an altogether bad idea to psychologically implant young girls with the idea that makeup is meaningless bullshit some outside entity (call it the patriarchy, call it the cosmetics industry, call it peer pressure) is forcing them to buy and use.

I agree. Another benefit of the game, aside from covertly instilling distrust of the The Man, is that it's good training to try and get makeup done under the gun. It would do wonders for my ability to get places on time if, while I'm waffling over how much lipstick is too much lipstick, I couldn't help but feel the presences of a malevolent AI looming over me, counting down the seconds.

What I'm not getting is how this game is more fun than actually playing with dolls, though? It seems like it's playing with dolls, except 2-D and only the dress up and paint parts?
posted by rue72 at 10:44 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

The writer is an asshole.

The writer has had plenty to say about the problems with mainstream dumb-as-nails manshoots; RPS is about as far from some notional Bro-Dawg Theater gaming journo site as you could hope to get. A shitty Barbie game is still a shitty Barbie game regardless of other unrelated problems in the gaming industry.
posted by cortex at 10:44 AM on November 29, 2013 [13 favorites]

Yeah, I'm sort of uncomfortable with overtly gendered "This is a Girl Thing," things, but the people (kids) who would enjoy them don't really overlap with gamer culture, which tends to skew uncomfortably into "This is a Boy Thing" things. I took a longish break from paying much attention to games in the early aughts, and then sort of got back into it with all the interesting/artsy mid-late PS2 games. At that time, gamer culture was starting to talk about "hardcore" and "casual" games a lot, and I couldn't really figure it out, because all the "hardcore" games were mainstream beige shooters, and a lot of obscure/odd games got thrown into the "casual" camp.

It took me a while to figure out that "hardcore" = "Boys' Toys" and "casual" = "Girls' Toys," which isn't always accurate but works as a good rule of thumb. It's interesting to keep that in mind, whenever I read about games.

I would actually love to see an RPG or deep sandbox game, where social interaction is important and there is weight put on how you present yourself.

You could try this now in Second Life, though it'd sort of be a gentle troll. Actually, I think the culture there is a lot more nuanced as far as identifying with avatars, customizing appearance, avatars as expressions of self and what it all means than your idea for applying this to a game mechanic.

Am I the only person who goes out of thier way to make the player character in those games look as goofy as possible?

No, I think most people do that. I prefer when I have the option to make my character look stylish and interesting, or at least just...coherent. I tend to want to identify with my character in a game, but rarely can due to limited customization and/or silly design; that's fine in story driven games, but when a little goofy looking dude on screen is supposed to just be my avatar, ehhhnn. If I must be a little dude on a screen, at least make that dude look good, please.
posted by byanyothername at 10:53 AM on November 29, 2013

Am I the only person who goes out of thier way to make the player character in those games look as goofy as possible?

That's kind of the point in Saints' Row, isn't it?
posted by bonehead at 10:56 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

I just don't want my character to be prettier than me damnit.
posted by The Whelk at 10:56 AM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

That's kind of the point in Saints' Row, isn't it?

I remember when I was playing Saints Row 3, and my wife walked into the room and saw what I was doing:

"What are you playing?"
"Saints Row"
"...and the main character is a large black woman in a cocktail dress?"
"No, you totally customize your character at the start."
"Why'd you pick her?"
"This is literally the only game like this that let me do that."
posted by griphus at 11:02 AM on November 29, 2013 [38 favorites]

(Note to Time Warner: I will buy an Amanda Waller game so fast I swear to god)
posted by griphus at 11:04 AM on November 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

Well...at least they didn't rip off a Beastie Boys song.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:04 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

The writer has had plenty to say about the problems with mainstream dumb-as-nails manshoots; RPS is about as far from some notional Bro-Dawg Theater gaming journo site as you could hope to get. A shitty Barbie game is still a shitty Barbie game regardless of other unrelated problems in the gaming industry.

Well, now I'm certain what of what led to this article. Clearly this journalist loves this game, plays it constantly, and got walked in on playing it by some of his buddies, and had to pretend he was playing it because it's ironic and he's reviewing it for what you imply is the New Yorker of gaming magazines. Then he had to whip his dick out and send pictures of it to many unlucky ladies on the Internet. Then he furiously masturbated to porn (yes, porn featuring thin blonde women with a ton of makeup on and breathy voices).

Journalist is clearly jealous of the hot guitar playing guy character in game as well. Why can't Barbie look at journalist like that, dammit.

Solved that for all of us. You're welcome.
posted by discopolo at 11:10 AM on November 29, 2013

The Equstria Girls dolls

OMG. If Avengers is the movie you get when comics geeks get old enough to be in charge of making movies, Equestria Girls looks like what you get you hand the movie reins to people raised on deviantart.

I googled that name and genuinely thought all the results I was getting were the deviantart spin on the actual kids toy.
posted by straight at 11:14 AM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

um, wtf, discopolo?
posted by yeoz at 11:15 AM on November 29, 2013 [8 favorites]

Use your words, yeoz.
posted by discopolo at 11:19 AM on November 29, 2013

I'm pretty out of the video game loop, but it doesn't look like much has changed since my day.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:21 AM on November 29, 2013

Well, now I'm certain what of what led to this article. Clearly this journalist loves this game, plays it constantly

You seem to just be down on the article for being a scathing review of a game with girl themes on the assumption that it is only being reviewed scathingly because it is a game with girl themes. Which, if that were the case, would be problematic. That's not the case, though, as familiarity with Rock Paper Shotgun would make very, very clear; they scathingly review all sorts of shitty games now and then, because they are a site that talks about games and some of those games are bad and sometimes they have fun with an especially bad one.

So declaring the writer an asshole on the basis of a mistaken assumption about the culture of the site seems like a weird out-of-the-blue accusation. Going off on a "and then he jerked off" tangent as some imagined capstone to the criticism is doubling down in a really shitty way.
posted by cortex at 11:21 AM on November 29, 2013 [25 favorites]

Artw: "Laputian machine."

Poor Artw, found dead in Parisian sewer. A cyborg fleeing from the scene was heard chuckling to himself, "Heh. Saved by a phoneme."
posted by straight at 11:24 AM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

I just realized this is a video game version of William Sleator's House of Stairs.
posted by griphus at 11:26 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

This is based on the CGI show Life in the Dreamhouse, which is also sarcastic but instead of being an unplayable video game, it's a surprisingly watchable cartoon. It's on netflix too--and Closet features prominently. They joke a lot about whose idea it was to give the AI an "Evil" button.

Also, everyone eats a lot of sherbet, which IIRC they actually make out of this machine. There are a lot of references to weird 90's Barbie accessories in the show.
posted by Tesseractive at 11:29 AM on November 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

(Note to Time Warner: I will buy an Amanda Waller game so fast I swear to god)

XCOM needs a Suicide Squad mod, clearly.

Or Copra. Always Copra.
posted by Artw at 11:32 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

The writer is an asshole.

A few more articles by the writer.
posted by St. Sorryass at 11:35 AM on November 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

So declaring the writer an asshole on the basis of a mistaken assumption about the culture of the site seems like a weird out-of-the-blue accusation. Going off on a "and then he jerked off" tangent as some imagined capstone to the criticism is doubling down in a really shitty way.

Fine. He didn't jerk off. Clearly the guy deserves so much respect for his contributions to society and the welfare of women. The guy is clearly a scholar and a saint, and it's so funny when he puts the pink and red clothing together because duh they clash how dumb is that lol but he doesn't know he's a man. And he really gets how Barbie and makeup and clothing is totally keeping women from being real gamers and scientists and doctors. Maybe this review will help all the girls in the world grow up to sit on the couch and be a gaming journalist.

So what the hell was I thinking? Something shitty obviously. Being shitty by being dismissive of a real hero and not understanding how important and significant and deep and altruistic his review is.

Maybe there should be a note up there on how the only people who can offer criticism are those who are extremely familiar with this amazing writer's work. Because otherwise, a simpleton like me will just be shitty.
posted by discopolo at 11:41 AM on November 29, 2013

Sounds like someone needs a little more robot closet time!
posted by Sebmojo at 11:45 AM on November 29, 2013 [13 favorites]

And if it helps make you more comfortable, let me revise it to "Gee, I might be wrong about this, but this writer seems like he's kind of an asshole. But maybe I'm wrong because I'm not a gamer and he's a great guy." Also happy to throw back my head and giggle and say,"Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about!"
posted by discopolo at 11:45 AM on November 29, 2013

So basically, the construct of this game is that four young women are locked in a room and not released until they learn how to Correctly Girl.

FANTASTIC.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:49 AM on November 29, 2013 [9 favorites]

I did enjoy the horrible guitar player and his "moves"


Me too. His hair swept me away.
posted by discopolo at 11:52 AM on November 29, 2013

(Note to Time Warner: I will buy an Amanda Waller game so fast I swear to god)

Press A to glower.
Press B to have been right all along.
posted by Etrigan at 11:58 AM on November 29, 2013 [10 favorites]

So basically, the construct of this game is that four young women are locked in a room and not released until they learn how to Correctly Girl.

FANTASTIC.

WHY DO YOU HATE GIRL GAMES?
posted by Artw at 12:04 PM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Hearing the anxiously PC John Walker described as some kind of weird sexist masturbator is basically the funniest thing I will read this month.
posted by Sebmojo at 12:19 PM on November 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

Also happy to throw back my head and giggle and say,"Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about!"

Achievement unlocked: Passive Aggressor (Gold Level)
posted by RogerB at 12:42 PM on November 29, 2013

Hearing the anxiously PC John Walker described as some kind of weird sexist masturbator is basically the funniest thing I will read this month.

Well, you never can tell, especially when someone is "anxiously" anything. Anxious homophobes tend to wide stance it at the airport and pursue young gay men online.

This guy has backup copies of this game and some possible issues with applying makeup expertly under time constraints, which is understandable. I mean, I struggle daily with liquid eyeliner. But I don't give up like some quitters and go with the pencil, because I believe in myself and that I can do it in less than 1 minute without smudging (though tight lining requires use of a gel liner).
posted by discopolo at 12:48 PM on November 29, 2013

bonehead: The few let's plays of the new GTA franchise game I've seen all seem to require at least the first (20-30 minute) episode be devoted to chosing the player's apperance. Mid-twenties gamer dudes love them some paper dolls too.

So, you've never spent time with other gamers, have you? Character customization goes back to D&D, and has been featured in tons of games.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:50 PM on November 29, 2013

Guys, can we stop piling on discopolo? They were weirded out and offended by seeing a male author from an almost-all-male website deride a game about traditional femininity, beloved by girls. No matter how PC John Walker may be, he can never experience how a girl feels playing one of these games. Him reviewing a game that is pretty explicitly not for him is creepy and presumptuous. RPS could desperately use some reviewers who are nine-year-old girls.
posted by Nomyte at 12:55 PM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Achievement unlocked: Passive Aggressor (Gold Level)

If only. I've had a lifetime of society training me to be careful about offending and upsetting the mens.
posted by discopolo at 12:58 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Him reviewing a game that is pretty explicitly not for him is creepy and presumptuous.

It's a game for 9 year old children. Every single game for any nine-year-old-child should be reviewed by an adult -- ideally the one making the purchasing decision for that child, but if you're going to have to rely on a 3rd party game reviewer, RPS is among the best choices.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:49 PM on November 29, 2013 [8 favorites]

I haven't actually played it yet, but Opoona is supposed to have relationship management to be an important part. It's supposed to be very good.
posted by stoneegg21 at 1:51 PM on November 29, 2013

Character customization goes back to D&D, and has been featured in tons of games.

I confess to have spending some number of hours making certain that my Darklands party was just so, and spending just a few social studies classes trying to draw my dwarven fighter's beard. So, maybe.
posted by bonehead at 1:53 PM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's a game for 9 year old children. Every single game for any nine-year-old-child should be reviewed by an adult -- ideally the one making the purchasing decision for that child, but if you're going to have to rely on a 3rd party game reviewer, RPS is among the best choices.

I find this dubious. Unless I'm ignorant to a chunk of their activity, RPS is strictly a hobbyist website. They're not in the business of giving parenting advice on how age-appropriate or family-friendly games are. I'm pretty sure Walker is reviewing Barbie's Makeup Nightmare qua game, or else to illustrate his thoughts about entertainment marketed to girls.
posted by Nomyte at 2:56 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

I liked the part where one of them yelled, "Makeup as a competitive sport? If this takes off, I'm a future hall of famer!" You kind of want to shake her and be like, wake up, you've almost got it!
posted by Corinth at 3:00 PM on November 29, 2013

"How could giving the closet artificial intelligence, absolute control over the dreamhouse and a surly personality backfire, right?"

I'm kind of sad that I know about this episode, that I don't hate watching it, and that I'm considering playing this game. What resources exist to help someone recover from children's television Stockholm Syndrome? Or should I post that in AskMe?
posted by zorrine at 3:29 PM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

So wait, is discopro saything that it's ok that the game is poorly made, expensive, and has problematic messaging because it's a game marketed at girls? I guess she thinks girls don't deserve quality and should just be thankful for what they can get?
posted by aspo at 3:53 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

A much better "girly" game is Secret of the Magic Crystals, which is like 1000x times better than the Barbie game solely because of the fact that you can breed unicorns and demon steeds. It's also on sale for $1.
posted by ymgve at 3:53 PM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

I would trust an RPS review to help me make an informed decision about buying a game for my child over pretty much any other game review site. They engage with issues of sexism, racism, and violence in gaming generally pretty well.

I don't think the point of this review was much met than to point out that game was awful and faIrly bizarre, but it's not directed at "for girls" content so much as the awful mechanics and surprisingly terrifying story.I'd also point out that it was the author who knew that red and pink clash, even though the game made him put them together; I don't think he's making a joke about how he doesn't understand colors.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 3:59 PM on November 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

zorrine: ""How could giving the closet artificial intelligence, absolute control over the dreamhouse and a surly personality backfire, right?"

I'm kind of sad that I know about this episode, that I don't hate watching it, and that I'm considering playing this game. What resources exist to help someone recover from children's television Stockholm Syndrome? Or should I post that in AskMe?"

Seriously, I found that ending absolutely hilarious. Congrats on finding the only official Barbie media I ever found entertaining.

sidles behinds MegaCityBusterBOT and removes something from it
posted by Samizdata at 4:53 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

The writer is an asshole.
posted by discopolo at 7:35 AM on November 29 [+] [!]

Mm.
posted by Sebmojo at 5:06 PM on November 29, 2013

"How could giving the closet artificial intelligence, absolute control over the dreamhouse and a surly personality backfire, right?"

Ok, that was... not bad. Although, I'm of the belief that making kids entertainment give a wink and a nod to the parents is a sneakily insidious practice. like, maybe if the parents are in on the joke, they're less likely to limit the viewing.
posted by billyfleetwood at 5:41 PM on November 29, 2013

This is an awesome article:

It’s worth noting that the game’s absolutely fucking terrible. The challenges are facile beyond belief, and it’s fundamentally about the madness of competing against three other AI players who seem about as capable as their plastic real-life equivalents.

Did anyone else find it surreal that the comments on the article contained a long, interesting, and polite discussion of anorexia? Is this from some kind of alternate universe internet where people on gaming sites are reasonable?
posted by medusa at 10:08 PM on November 29, 2013

Yeah, that's RPS.
posted by Artw at 10:26 PM on November 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

From the gifs I've seen on tumblr, Life in the Dreamhouse consists entirely of gags bringing up Barbie's many past occupations ("We need to get you to a doctor!" "Wait, weren't you a doctor?", "I just got my driver's license!" "Wait, weren't you a racecar driver?", "Someone needs to perform a spacewalk to disable the orbital laser before it disintegrates Malibu!" "Wait, weren't you an astronaut?", etc)

I refuse to actually watch the show so I am not disappointed to find this is not the case.
posted by ckape at 12:09 AM on November 30, 2013

Rps's comment section is fairly heavily modded and people are banned frequently.
posted by empath at 5:34 AM on November 30, 2013

Comments sections where that isn't the case have no business existing, TBH.
posted by Artw at 5:36 AM on November 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

This FPP caused me to A) watch a Barbie cartoon, which B) turned out to be pretty good.

Huh.

It occurs to me that I discovered a number of things I enjoy by reading articles talking about how awful they were and checking them out to see what the fuss was about.

Thanks, people on the internet who hate everything!
posted by kyrademon at 6:14 AM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]

Now I al intrigued, as every single item of Barbie media I have been exposed to has been actively terrible - the low point being this Barbie fairy tale book the kid got hold of somehow (grandparents, maybe?) which was the dullest price of shit imaginable and the kid made me read multiple times until finally we got rid of it. Them making something not-shit would be quite the turnaround.
posted by Artw at 7:16 AM on November 30, 2013

Okay, the Dreamhouse cartoon was pretty funny, I have to admit it, and no doubt influenced by Ken and Barbie's turn in the Toy Story movies. ("I was set to evil once!") A kids' cartoon franchise with snarky humor added for parents is not at all preferable to a whole-hearted one made for all ages, but it's better than Ruby-Spears any day.

This thread has reminded me of something I haven't thought of in ages. There were Nancy Drew-type mysteries starring Barbie fully fifty years ago. I remember being trapped inside at a camp on a rainy day and finding one. It wasn't bad, at least by my standards at age nine. Barbie had motivations and a real family and everything, and she was just starting out as a reporter.

The eternal youth and changing faces of Barbie are now no longer cheesy, so much as unsettling, and what is unsettling becomes numinous. Reporter, astronaut, McDonald's worker, veterinarian, universal Mother, mistress of all the elements, primordial child of time, sovereign of all things spiritual, queen of the dead, queen of the ocean, queen also of the immortals, the single manifestation of all gods and goddesses that are, her nod governs the shining heights of Heavens, the wholesome sea breezes. Though she is worshipped in many aspects, known by countless names ... Mattel who excels in ancient learning and worship calls her by her true name... Barbie.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:52 AM on November 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

This sounds like a good case for why there should be more female game developers, because whoever made this was REALLY not feeling it.

On the other hand you could easily make a game like this for 20-somethings just by making the horror more explicit. The gamers I know love this kind of creepypasta.
posted by subdee at 12:02 PM on November 30, 2013

I guess if it was intended as a horrific dystopia then the gameplay being shit would be entirely consistent with it being an "art" game.
posted by Artw at 12:40 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

This FPP caused me to A) watch a Barbie cartoon, which B) turned out to be pretty good.


The new Tinkerbell films are also very good. Tightly plotted, strong female characters, decent CGI. Particularly nice as Tinkerbell was a heinous bitchy caricature in the original Peter Pan.
posted by Sebmojo at 12:54 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wow. That video was surprisingly awesome, and put the game in perspective. But it doesn't make the game seem less un-fun to me. Guess I would have to play it rather than reading the review, but watching those game-play videos, it sure looks to me like the writer made a good case. I don't see the challenge in applying the makeup - it looks like just mouse wiggling. You could just as easily be shearing sheep or painting Aunt Polly's fence. Seems like it would need an element of makeup tutorial (which product / shade / texture / brush to use on each part) for it to be a real challenge. I'm just not seeing any strategy or even brain-engagement. Not that games can't be mindless, but why invest so much world-building into a scene if it's just going to be another version of air hockey, but against a lame competitor?
posted by Mchelly at 5:21 AM on December 1, 2013