How To Crush Leaves

December 5, 2013 8:27 AM

Quick Tutorial on How To Crush Leaves (slyt, 1:02)
posted by Greg Nog (34 comments total)

Find out how one mom monkey lost belly fat managed to crush leaves using this 1 weird old tip!

Spoiler alert: the tip is to put them in your hand and crush them.
posted by phunniemee at 8:31 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

What? The best way to crush leaves is by stepping on them.

Stupid monkey.
posted by bondcliff at 8:32 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I have to say, this really threw me for a loop. I came in expecting to see a video of a dog frolicking around like crazy in a pile of leaves. But not only was it not a dog, but that monkey exhibited such poise and control over the situation and just crushed leaves like a goddamned champ. So professional. Man, mind blown.
posted by phunniemee at 8:36 AM on December 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

NO! More leaves! No, you put.. you close your fingers.. no, yes, you smash the leaves, onto your hand.. put more.. now the important part is you have to close your.. close.. close them.. close your fingers. Now, more leaves. Smash them on your hand. Now, what you do next is you close your
posted by Drexen at 8:37 AM on December 5, 2013 [18 favorites]

My cats give me a nightly tutorial on how to open the cabinet where the food is.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 8:39 AM on December 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Ok look the idea is that your hand, when you curl it over and into the leaves... you know what, here. gimme your hand. No, come on, just bring your hand over here. Just... oh for heaven's- give. me. your. hand. here take these leaves. Now take your fingers and just roooolll them in, and when you open them you'll find... ok you know what? we didn't give you enough leaves. I'm sorry that's my fault. Look let's get you more leaves down here. down here. ON THE GROUND. BRING YOUR HAND DOWN HERE. ok good, now pick up the leaves. like, a whole bunch of them. now rol- oh ok you're already doing it, NO. You didn't crush them nearly hard enough. look, the big one's still fine. Ok, let's try to reposition it. Liiike that. Good. Now roll your fingers, and. OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO BAD AT THIS. It's like you're not. even. trying. Here. take more leaves. do it again. close your fingers. ok let me see the leaves. these... could be worse. I don't know. Let me see what else is around here that can help. Here! Great big honkin' leaf for your ridiculous great big clumsy oaf grabby meat thing you call a hand. BIG. LEAF. you understand? BETTER FOR CRUSHING. Go ahead now. close your fingers on it. Now just... god, I hope no one sees me here doing this. This is so embarassing. Fuck it. I'm just gonna eat the leaves. I give up.
posted by shmegegge at 8:42 AM on December 5, 2013 [26 favorites]

I had a crush on a leaf once.

*sigh*
posted by the quidnunc kid at 8:43 AM on December 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

i want THAT monkey
posted by localhuman at 8:45 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Next, um we're going to do tutorial, um, ouch, um, no, um, I'm going to do tutorial on, um, yes, um on, um smash leaves, yes, today I'm going to do tutorial on how you smash leaves,
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 8:46 AM on December 5, 2013 [9 favorites]

Do you think the monkey could teach him HOW TO TURN THE CAMERA 90 DEGREES AND FILM ON F*CKING LANDSCAPE?!

oh, on edit, i see the youtube comments agree
posted by leotrotsky at 8:59 AM on December 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

Damn, I've been doing it wrong.
posted by moonmilk at 9:13 AM on December 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Related, as far as I'm concerned: stomping on acorns (Ian Frazier in The New Yorker)
posted by moonmilk at 9:15 AM on December 5, 2013

So is that an adult monkey or an infant? If it's a baby, okay, babies love to make grown-ups do things. "No, you answer the phone like this, and then you hang it up like this." But if it's an adult, WTF?
posted by benito.strauss at 9:23 AM on December 5, 2013

I crush my leaves like I crush my insurgents: by collecting the metadata from all their telephone calls.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 9:29 AM on December 5, 2013 [10 favorites]

can you beleaf this news about the Snowden leaks? fucked up, right
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:31 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Actually I crush my leaves like I crush the throat of Captain Needa: with the force, and a pretty rigorous performance appraisal.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 9:33 AM on December 5, 2013

I like how he's looking around like "Hey guys, are you watching this? Look at this idiot."
posted by desjardins at 9:40 AM on December 5, 2013

I think the little guy has seen other great hairless monkeys delivering food by hand and he has somehow come to believe that crushing anything into the great hairless monkey's hand will turn into food.

(also I don't often get the occasion to be this eponysterical)
posted by surrendering monkey at 10:11 AM on December 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

Thank you monkey
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:18 AM on December 5, 2013

But if it's an adult, WTF?

If you do not understand this monkey's struggle then perhaps you are the person in your office who calls tech support in a panic when the printer is out of paper.
posted by elizardbits at 10:31 AM on December 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

That is certainly a monkey with an agenda.

I'm a disappoint. There are tons of leaves on my lawn, and I would like a way to crush them into the wheelbarrow so's not to have so many trips to the garden. Monkey, you have failed me.

That said, the human in this poorly filmed video is not catching on too fast.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:43 AM on December 5, 2013

After correlating my reaction to this video with my reaction to this one ("Get up, dog! Here, I will show you how. You got to pick up them feet. You can't play with your feet like that, pick them up!") I realize that I apparently love videos of innocent* inter-species education. Is this a genre? Can someone point me to more of it?

*I know that capuchins are innocent of nothing. Please don't tell me whatever the hell he is actually trying to do, it will only make me sad.
posted by agentofselection at 10:50 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Please don't tell me whatever the hell he is actually trying to do, it will only make me sad.

The monkey is actually demonstrating how to crush the proletariat by simultaneously removing collective bargaining protections and disenfranchising minorities.
posted by elizardbits at 11:05 AM on December 5, 2013 [10 favorites]

Dammit, why did I read past "The monkey is actually..."? I knew what I was in for.
posted by agentofselection at 11:08 AM on December 5, 2013

Tomorrow the monkey will introduce a bill to its state senate which will limit women's reproductive freedom.
posted by elizardbits at 11:09 AM on December 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

elizardbits: "If you do not understand this monkey's struggle then perhaps you are the person in your office who calls tech support in a panic when the printer is out of paper."

You're quoting Marx, right? I know I've heard that quote before...
posted by IAmBroom at 11:25 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

If the camera were rotated 90 degrees, it would have to be pulled further back to not cut off the monkey's head or man's hand and that may not have been possible. (To me it looks like the person filming is the person who is learning how to crush leaves, and one's arms are only so long.) The action in this case is oriented vertically so vertical orientation of the camera makes sense. What doesn't make sense is YouTube forcing it into a landscape format for display.
posted by misskaz at 11:54 AM on December 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Wait, how do we crush them if we don't have a monkey?
posted by Jacob Knitig at 12:29 PM on December 5, 2013

Then you need to bring out your backup chimp.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:36 PM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

The monkey is probably used to people feeding him peanuts and not understanding why crushing the leaves is not producing tasty snacks.
posted by empath at 2:14 PM on December 5, 2013

greg you are a bad person who does bad things and should feel bad for your badness
posted by elizardbits at 5:42 PM on December 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

you posted this solely so you could post that, right
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:45 PM on December 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

well you have had a lot on your mind

like squirl whizzin
posted by elizardbits at 9:47 PM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

oh no the video is goooooone
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:56 PM on December 9, 2013