This American Bro: A Portrait of the Worst Guy Ever
March 26, 2014 9:30 AM Subscribe
He will come, he will see, he will conquer. He will vomit out the window of a taxi. He is the American Bro.
This post was deleted for the following reason: I'm sorry but if we don't do "hey look at this terrible person" then I guess we're not doing "hey look at this hypothetical terrible person" either. -- goodnewsfortheinsane
He doesn’t simply celebrate his existence; he celebrates how much better his existence is than everyone else’s. No one goes as hard as he does; no one has killed it like he has. He never gets hangovers or takes no for an answer or fucks the ugly friend. He crushes that next-level pussy, bruh bruh, only the finest. He is pinstripes and full Windsor knots, smashing bottles and spiking footballs, things that are irrepressible, things that smack you in the face. He is a walking scorched-earth policy. He takes what he wants to satisfy some hedonistic impulse, and then he leaves her sobbing in a hallway with her friend on the other line. He wrings every moment of every drop of novelty. He is doing shots and never with a chaser, because moderation and restraint are for women and faggots and children.
Oh Vice, don't ever change.
posted by chavenet at 9:36 AM on March 26, 2014
Oh Vice, don't ever change.
posted by chavenet at 9:36 AM on March 26, 2014
I enjoy dumping on the U.S. as much as the next Canadian, but I don't think Bros are exclusively an American phenomenon.
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:38 AM on March 26, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:38 AM on March 26, 2014 [2 favorites]
"He is never calling her back, he is texting his friends that he never called her back, he is moments of solitude when he wishes desperately that he had called her back, and then he is doing 75 pushups because NO REGRETS."
This article is brilliant.
posted by ErikaB at 9:38 AM on March 26, 2014 [2 favorites]
This article is brilliant.
posted by ErikaB at 9:38 AM on March 26, 2014 [2 favorites]
Oh god no! Have you met the French-Canadian Bro? It's like Bro with an extra layer of foreign language!
posted by Kitteh at 9:39 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Kitteh at 9:39 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Their UK counterpart piece: How Sad Young Douchebags Took Over Modern Britain
posted by timshel at 9:40 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by timshel at 9:40 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Better than puking in the taxi, I guess. I have to ask, are 'hipsters' and 'bros' the only two choices for young men today? If so, I am so fucking glad to be middle-aged.
posted by jonmc at 9:40 AM on March 26, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by jonmc at 9:40 AM on March 26, 2014 [3 favorites]
Because nothing provides the appropriate literary emphasis like ALL CAPS. Geez. An article about douchebags, written by a douchebag.
posted by Kokopuff at 9:42 AM on March 26, 2014
posted by Kokopuff at 9:42 AM on March 26, 2014
Ed Hardy applying Axe body spray to a can of Redbull with a soundtrack of trap music.
posted by codacorolla at 9:43 AM on March 26, 2014
posted by codacorolla at 9:43 AM on March 26, 2014
For a shorter version: Look at my striped shirt!
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 9:45 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 9:45 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh god no! Have you met the French-Canadian Bro?
Yes.
AWKWARD SILENCE AWKWARD SILENCE AWKWARD SILENCE
posted by louche mustachio at 9:45 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yes.
AWKWARD SILENCE AWKWARD SILENCE AWKWARD SILENCE
posted by louche mustachio at 9:45 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
> How Sad Young Douchebags Took Over Modern Britain
My wife and a friend visited Prague for the first time a few years ago. They were wandering about, enjoying the historic sights and beautiful architecture...and then rounded a corner to find a mob of British dudes puking in the street, yelling and screaming obscenities and mooning each other.
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:46 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
My wife and a friend visited Prague for the first time a few years ago. They were wandering about, enjoying the historic sights and beautiful architecture...and then rounded a corner to find a mob of British dudes puking in the street, yelling and screaming obscenities and mooning each other.
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:46 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
That's a lot of words to describe Rob Gronkowski.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 9:46 AM on March 26, 2014
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 9:46 AM on March 26, 2014
That UK counterpoint makes my head spin. It's a critique of modern masculinity that's nostalgic for old-style masculinity. Big muscles with no sense of violence is a bad thing?
A lot of these articles always leave me with the sense that the arguments are motivated by some unexamined class and gender issues. Not really the case with the article linked in the OP, thankfully; but the moment the focus is taken away from issues like privilege and lack of consideration for the other, and onto 'bad' fashion choices or 'incorrect' body displays or performances of masculinity that are somehow less-valid than the ones in the Good Old Days (ugh), then I just check out.
posted by erlking at 9:48 AM on March 26, 2014
A lot of these articles always leave me with the sense that the arguments are motivated by some unexamined class and gender issues. Not really the case with the article linked in the OP, thankfully; but the moment the focus is taken away from issues like privilege and lack of consideration for the other, and onto 'bad' fashion choices or 'incorrect' body displays or performances of masculinity that are somehow less-valid than the ones in the Good Old Days (ugh), then I just check out.
posted by erlking at 9:48 AM on March 26, 2014
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posted by JPD at 9:35 AM on March 26, 2014 [1 favorite]