When a man loves a woman very much...he goes blind and dies

May 3, 2014 9:37 AM

The short life of the male marsupial known as antechinus, which always ends due to his body crashing after a multi week testosterone fueled breeding season.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (29 comments total)

I hate when that happens.
posted by fairmettle at 9:40 AM on May 3, 2014 [3 favorites]

Femputer sentence you to Death By Snu-Snu!
posted by I-Write-Essays at 9:45 AM on May 3, 2014 [9 favorites]

That is fascinatingly horrific.
posted by mondo dentro at 9:52 AM on May 3, 2014

coito ergo sum
posted by bruce at 9:58 AM on May 3, 2014 [13 favorites]

Closing hour in a collegetown bar can look similar, though with more vomiting.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:02 AM on May 3, 2014

After I finished reading the article, all I could think was "Jesus, at least the Praying Mantis sometimes shows mercy, killing and eating the male after copulation."
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:04 AM on May 3, 2014

Somebody should tell Disney. Antechinus would give them a chance to atone for the whole lemming thing.
posted by rongorongo at 10:07 AM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

The article fails to mention where these guys are finding the cocaine.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 10:07 AM on May 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

"As a marsupial, antechinus gives birth to highly underdeveloped jelly beans."

Worst. Jelly Belly. Flavor. Ever.
posted by drlith at 10:09 AM on May 3, 2014 [7 favorites]

Closing hour in a collegetown bar can look similar, though with more vomiting.

Yeah, I was gonna say this is pretty much San An in Ibiza, throughout the entire month of august.
posted by elizardbits at 10:14 AM on May 3, 2014 [3 favorites]

They need to invent leftover pizza in order to get over this 'hump'.
posted by srboisvert at 10:35 AM on May 3, 2014

Swiggity swooty, I am going blind and dying because of booty.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 10:37 AM on May 3, 2014 [4 favorites]

best use of la petite mort that I've ever read

*shudder*
posted by fraula at 11:06 AM on May 3, 2014

*shudder*

That's what she said.
posted by drlith at 11:13 AM on May 3, 2014

Somebody should tell Disney.

And get Morgan Freeman to narrate.
posted by mosk at 11:37 AM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

Worth it.
posted by vorpal bunny at 12:13 PM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

Think of an MMA fight wrapped in an Insane Clown Posse concert wrapped in the Insane Clown Posse playing during an MMA fight.

I'll pass.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 12:27 PM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

In this species, maleness itself is a fatal STD.
posted by jamjam at 12:59 PM on May 3, 2014

Yeah, I was gonna say this is pretty much San An in Ibiza, throughout the entire month of august.

Thanks for reminding me to book my tickets for this year!
posted by atrazine at 1:58 PM on May 3, 2014

There's an adorable children's book in this. Get Mo Willems on it.
posted by Biblio at 2:43 PM on May 3, 2014

Think of an MMA fight wrapped in an Insane Clown Posse concert wrapped in the Insane Clown Posse playing during an MMA fight.

I'll pass.

If you have a better way of breeding the Kwisatz Haderach, I'd like to hear it.
posted by griphus at 3:14 PM on May 3, 2014

Since when did Wired get this snarky writing style?
posted by zscore at 3:22 PM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

This has always been the problem with Australians.
posted by zaelic at 3:45 PM on May 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

Ok, if someone told you that sex could kill you, would you choose to die happy?
posted by Melismata at 5:22 PM on May 3, 2014

This doesn't sound happy:

Males relentlessly bound from partner to partner, as massive hormone releases in their bodies cause their immune systems to crash and their fur to fall out. They bleed internally. Some males even go blind, yet still stumble around the leaf litter hoping for one last tryst.

posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:38 PM on May 3, 2014

no need to worry about STDs
posted by gray17 at 7:10 PM on May 3, 2014

Heh, I vaguely know Dr. Baker (former student of his, & also did a bit of demoing/tutoring for him). An old classmate of mine (Hi, Thomas!) spent his Honours doing some of the genetic & morphological work to uncover a new species of Antechinus a couple of years ago, and is currently doing his PhD with AB on them.

From what I gather, quite apart from their renowned ability to "bop 'til they drop", their physical morphology is extremely diverse even between individuals of the same species. Colour, pattern, skeletal feature size/ratios, number of nipples, etc, are no indication of species; identification pretty much comes down to geographical location & genetics.

They're both lovely guys; I'll drop them a line to point them to this thread.
posted by Pinback at 9:51 PM on May 3, 2014

First ‘Female Penis’ Discovered in Brazil: 6 Other Animals That Have Crazier Sex Lives Than You
posted by homunculus at 1:05 AM on May 4, 2014

..and then fucking ants eat his guts..

At the end of the tunnel, there's nothing but ratbastard ants, gnawing on your stomach.

Hey Pinback.. if your mates do drop in, any chance of an ID on the one at the end of that link?

Found it immediately south of the Blackwood Valley near Balingup in WA. Figure it's definitely not a post European invasive because of the carnivorous teeth, and likely to be one of the happy happy joy joy mating types because of the whole dead and being eaten thing, but I believe there's a few of them. And I've got no idea how to tell the little grey/brown jobbies apart.

It was mouse sized.
posted by Ahab at 8:39 AM on May 4, 2014