Consider, first, their absurd sartorial appurtenances
August 5, 2014 9:42 AM Subscribe
GOOD morrow. ’Tis I, Aelfric the Elder, with a piece of calligraphic parchment containing statements that I think — a “think piece,” let us call it — to be posted with a nail on our village’s biggest log, concerning youthful denizens born around A.D. 1000. These “millennials” are, without a doubt, the most narcissistic and hopeless cohort I have witnessed in my 35 long years on this stationary planet.
concerning youthful denizens born around A.D. 1000
The ever-shifting definition of "millenial" from "came of age in the year of Our Lord 1000" to "near" to "born around" shows the lax standards of this vernacular "Anglish."
posted by the man of twists and turns at 9:52 AM on August 5, 2014 [7 favorites]
The ever-shifting definition of "millenial" from "came of age in the year of Our Lord 1000" to "near" to "born around" shows the lax standards of this vernacular "Anglish."
posted by the man of twists and turns at 9:52 AM on August 5, 2014 [7 favorites]
AHOY TIS I YE OLDEST JOKE IN YON BOOK
(Still pretty funny tho)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:54 AM on August 5, 2014 [5 favorites]
(Still pretty funny tho)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:54 AM on August 5, 2014 [5 favorites]
They waste their time taking quizzes on which Northumbrian monarch from the 800s they most resemble and incessantly painting their own portraits in tempera.
It was just mildly amusing until this bit and then it became delightful.
posted by elizardbits at 9:54 AM on August 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
It was just mildly amusing until this bit and then it became delightful.
posted by elizardbits at 9:54 AM on August 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
They waste their time taking quizzes on which Northumbrian monarch from the 800s they most resemble
Aw, man! I got Ceolwulf...
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:00 AM on August 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
Aw, man! I got Ceolwulf...
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:00 AM on August 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
I would have preferred to read an actual study of youth culture in 11th century Britain. I acknowledge that I am po-faced and humorless.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:01 AM on August 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:01 AM on August 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
They waste their time taking quizzes on which Northumbrian monarch from the 800s they most resemble and incessantly painting their own portraits in tempera.
I wanted to do a riff on this on how only divine figures and the monarchs they have appointed have suitable subjects for Art and just who do they think they are, having enough energy at the end of the day thanks to improved plows and bean cultivation to do something as frivolous as paint (where did you get those paints anyway! Stole them I bet!) but then I remember bean cultivation was like two hundred years later and then I realized I have to work for a living and can't chase down this ghost of a historical joke like normal.
Wait! Damnable youths not wanting to sleep in a huge pile in the great hall with all the animals! It was good enough for your siblings who all died before the age of ten, it'll be good enough for you!
posted by The Whelk at 10:02 AM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm actually pretty sad that I can't take a "What Northumbrian Monarch of the 800s are You" quiz.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:03 AM on August 5, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:03 AM on August 5, 2014 [8 favorites]
The writer need to stop thinking that young people in the real world are anything like those he sees in Wilhelmsburh.
(And besides who calls them "Millenials" anymore? Everybody knows the proper name is "Begetting Ȝ".)
posted by Thing at 10:03 AM on August 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
(And besides who calls them "Millenials" anymore? Everybody knows the proper name is "Begetting Ȝ".)
posted by Thing at 10:03 AM on August 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm actually pretty sad that I can't take a "What Northumbrian Monarch of the 800s are You" quiz.
The ironic thing is that all the Northumbrian kings of the 800s were either crap or Danish. Northumbria was a backwater by that time, and its heyday was in the late 600s and 700s.
posted by Thing at 10:04 AM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
The ironic thing is that all the Northumbrian kings of the 800s were either crap or Danish. Northumbria was a backwater by that time, and its heyday was in the late 600s and 700s.
posted by Thing at 10:04 AM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
In additional irony, "Crap or Danish" is currently one of the most popular quizzes going.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:06 AM on August 5, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by Wolfdog at 10:06 AM on August 5, 2014 [18 favorites]
Nerds
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 10:08 AM on August 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 10:08 AM on August 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
The ironic thing is that all the Northumbrian kings of the 800s were either crap or Danish. Northumbria was a backwater by that time, and its heyday was in the late 600s and 700s.
"I was totally into Germanic invasions before everybody started jumping on the Viking bandwagon."
posted by zombieflanders at 10:12 AM on August 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
"I was totally into Germanic invasions before everybody started jumping on the Viking bandwagon."
posted by zombieflanders at 10:12 AM on August 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh my god Clovis stop trying to make hwæt happen.
posted by The Whelk at 10:13 AM on August 5, 2014 [24 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 10:13 AM on August 5, 2014 [24 favorites]
'Our village's biggest log'?
Yeah, you know - biggest log, or blog.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:17 AM on August 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you know - biggest log, or blog.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:17 AM on August 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Confusing concept. This seems to be a crack at people who moan about 'kids these days' by suggesting that every age insults the ones younger than them. But at the same time, in explaining the references with links, the millennials do come across as worthy of derision. So it also seems like a crack at milennials. So the takeway I have from this is "yeah, these kids suck but you are lame if you point that out." That seems an odd point to make.
posted by dios at 10:19 AM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by dios at 10:19 AM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
in honor of this thread my lucnh is hard cheese, toasted bread with mustard and a stout ale (no really)
posted by The Whelk at 10:23 AM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 10:23 AM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
I dunno, that's sort of Metafilter's classic "If you are talking about hipsters it is you who are the hipster because hipsters don't real" gambit.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 10:24 AM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 10:24 AM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
in honor of this thread my lucnh is hard cheese, toasted bread with mustard and a stout ale
What? No raw onions?
posted by mr vino at 10:26 AM on August 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
What? No raw onions?
posted by mr vino at 10:26 AM on August 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
in honor of this thread my lucnh is hard cheese, toasted bread with mustard and a stout ale (no really)
Course these are all post-millennial inventions brought over from the Low Countries.
posted by MartinWisse at 10:28 AM on August 5, 2014
Course these are all post-millennial inventions brought over from the Low Countries.
posted by MartinWisse at 10:28 AM on August 5, 2014
Don't monksplain at me Martin
posted by The Whelk at 10:29 AM on August 5, 2014 [20 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 10:29 AM on August 5, 2014 [20 favorites]
This seems to be a crack at people who moan about 'kids these days' by suggesting that every age insults the ones younger than them. But at the same time, in explaining the references with links, the millennials do come across as worthy of derision.
So what you're saying is that you are older than the millennials.
Also, there's a reason they're called the low countries...
posted by Naberius at 10:29 AM on August 5, 2014
So what you're saying is that you are older than the millennials.
Also, there's a reason they're called the low countries...
posted by Naberius at 10:29 AM on August 5, 2014
i wish there was a way to disable the links on the page. I wonder if the author added those in or if some enterprising assistant added them to beef up the article.
posted by rebent at 10:35 AM on August 5, 2014
posted by rebent at 10:35 AM on August 5, 2014
Oh my god, everybody here is such a nerd and this is why I love this website.
posted by Sequence at 10:43 AM on August 5, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 10:43 AM on August 5, 2014 [8 favorites]
Ah, yes, the millenium. When Otto was Emperor and his dance was irresistible.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:11 AM on August 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by octobersurprise at 11:11 AM on August 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
They waste their time taking quizzes on which Northumbrian monarch from the 800s they most resemble and incessantly painting their own portraits in tempera
I've actually been meaning to do a "Which Feudal Era Profession Are You?" quiz, where almost no matter which of the many detailed options about your personality or hopes and dreams and skills you select, you get - "Serf: You toil in the fields for a pittance and die young"
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:24 AM on August 5, 2014 [13 favorites]
I've actually been meaning to do a "Which Feudal Era Profession Are You?" quiz, where almost no matter which of the many detailed options about your personality or hopes and dreams and skills you select, you get - "Serf: You toil in the fields for a pittance and die young"
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:24 AM on August 5, 2014 [13 favorites]
What about those young criers claiming we have reached 'peak wool' and that the truth of how bad it is has been kept from us by the secret order of herdsmen known as 'Greate Wool' and soon we'll have to go back to animal skins, and it's crazy to try to apprentice in weaving.
ARISE, SHEEPLE!
posted by chambers at 11:27 AM on August 5, 2014 [7 favorites]
ARISE, SHEEPLE!
posted by chambers at 11:27 AM on August 5, 2014 [7 favorites]
SEARCH THEE HITHER AND YON FOR TALES OF RONALD PAULUS
posted by Rock Steady at 11:34 AM on August 5, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 11:34 AM on August 5, 2014 [16 favorites]
I've actually been meaning to do a "Which Feudal Era Profession Are You?" quiz, where almost no matter which of the many detailed options about your personality or hopes and dreams and skills you select, you get - "Serf: You toil in the fields for a pittance and die young"
If it just returned "feudalism is a outdated and simplistic paradigm that fails to describe the diversity of medieval society" it would be an experience much like getting a degree in medieval history.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:36 AM on August 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
If it just returned "feudalism is a outdated and simplistic paradigm that fails to describe the diversity of medieval society" it would be an experience much like getting a degree in medieval history.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:36 AM on August 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
I've actually been meaning to do a "Which Feudal Era Profession Are You?" quiz, where almost no matter which of the many detailed options about your personality or hopes and dreams and skills you select, you get - "Serf: You toil in the fields for a pittance and die young"
I have a book where the writer talks about the Norman invasion, and how or what peasants might have thought about the change in lordship. His short answer was, "the world looked much the same if you spent most of your day staring at an ox's arse."
posted by Thing at 11:53 AM on August 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have a book where the writer talks about the Norman invasion, and how or what peasants might have thought about the change in lordship. His short answer was, "the world looked much the same if you spent most of your day staring at an ox's arse."
posted by Thing at 11:53 AM on August 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Serf: You toil in the fields for a pittance and die young
BUT YOU GAVE AWAY THE ENDING HDU
posted by elizardbits at 11:55 AM on August 5, 2014
BUT YOU GAVE AWAY THE ENDING HDU
posted by elizardbits at 11:55 AM on August 5, 2014
"Cowering in fear of the Northmen was good enough for my father and it's good enough for you."
posted by The Whelk at 11:57 AM on August 5, 2014
posted by The Whelk at 11:57 AM on August 5, 2014
Ye verily there do appeareth so many parchments decrying the numerous faults of these young ones nailed to our village log that lo, nary the bark of the log may be spied. Fortunate are we to have discovered the origins of our downfall.
posted by bleep at 12:01 PM on August 5, 2014
posted by bleep at 12:01 PM on August 5, 2014
RELEVANT TO THIS DISCUSSION
The timing of that is like witchcraft-uncanny.
posted by psoas at 1:12 PM on August 5, 2014
The timing of that is like witchcraft-uncanny.
posted by psoas at 1:12 PM on August 5, 2014
I walked out of the Althing when you young whippersnappers decided to join this hip Christianity movement. Odin forever, fuckers! I'll piss on you from Valhalla!
posted by languagehat at 1:25 PM on August 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 1:25 PM on August 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'm into this smaller local sect called Arianism, you probably haven't heard of it
because most of its adherents were slaughtered by Ostrogoths
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:36 PM on August 5, 2014 [6 favorites]
because most of its adherents were slaughtered by Ostrogoths
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:36 PM on August 5, 2014 [6 favorites]
These kids are just lucky that Ottocare lets them stay on their parents' bloodletting plans until they are six-and-twenty. Otherwise they'd get sent to debtor's prison anytime they had to go to the barber for an excess of yellow bile.
posted by Rock Steady at 2:02 PM on August 5, 2014
posted by Rock Steady at 2:02 PM on August 5, 2014
These kids are just lucky that Ottocare lets them stay on their parents' bloodletting plans until they are six-and-twenty. Otherwise they'd get sent to debtor's prison anytime they had to go to the barber for an excess of yellow bile.
Should really be "Bald's Leechcare". Which, I hear, won't treat you if the cost of treatment is greater than your wergild.
posted by Thing at 3:23 PM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
Should really be "Bald's Leechcare". Which, I hear, won't treat you if the cost of treatment is greater than your wergild.
posted by Thing at 3:23 PM on August 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
Feudalism was the purest form of Capitalism to exist to date (but we have people working hard to bring it back).
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:58 PM on August 5, 2014
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:58 PM on August 5, 2014
I swear to fucking God that I read that exact Gen Z article about the Millenials around 10 years ago. It just feels so eerily familiar.
posted by en forme de poire at 1:27 AM on August 8, 2014
posted by en forme de poire at 1:27 AM on August 8, 2014
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I know the Gray Lady ain't as classy as she used to be, but I'm still surprised to see a poop joke.
posted by box at 9:45 AM on August 5, 2014