Chef good, cook bad

September 15, 2014 12:56 PM

Every competitive cooking show in America, ranked by the A.V. Club
posted by psoas (110 comments total)

I am getting so old. I just don't understand how it is possible that there are 31 different cooking competition shows.
posted by leotrotsky at 1:05 PM on September 15, 2014 [9 favorites]

I love MasterChef and I love Hell's Kitchen, and the first season of Great Food Truck Race was good, when it was actual existing food trucks competing. Not sure why they changed the format to "try running a food truck and if you win you can keep it," but it's not nearly as compelling. And of course Top Chef rules though the product placement is getting a little out of control.
posted by Clustercuss at 1:06 PM on September 15, 2014

Cooking shows are like my own little drug habit, where I binge and binge on them at home and every day at work I just want to talk about them with my office mates but OH LORD WHAT WOULD THEY THINK OF ME.

Also, I think these rankings are pretty spot on.

More Good Eats please?
posted by WinnipegDragon at 1:07 PM on September 15, 2014 [9 favorites]

I felt about as gross, bored, and disappointed with myself after having read that list as I do after having watched any of the shows listed.
posted by bleep at 1:09 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

yes please more Good Eats!

I like goofy silly Alton Brown over snarky mean Alton Brown.. which i had enough of on iron chef america/next food network star, so I've never given cutthroat kitchen a chance. Maybe I should.
posted by royalsong at 1:10 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

I'm glad they share my opinion on Beat Bobby Flay, that show is just horribly boring.
posted by Small Dollar at 1:11 PM on September 15, 2014

Sheesh. Until I saw that list and realized how many of those I had seen, I never realized I have watched that many cooking competition shows. It's disturbing. I think my excuse is that it is the go-to-fluff for me. If I am short on time or just need something in the background, I turn to these kind of shows. Movies require hours; a gripping drama requires emotional engagement and attention. But cooking shows require neither. It can be watched with only minimal attention or emotion engagement, while also seeing interesting things being done in momentary glances. It's like dinner party music to me.
posted by dios at 1:12 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

MasterChef Junior (2013-present)

Even better than its parent show, you haven’t lived until watching an 8-year-old make perfect sushi while you eat Rice Krispies and wonder if you remembered to put on deodorant today.
Grade: A

At first I was all "omg how did they get the camera in my house" but then I realized "HA HA THIS IS CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH, JUST A LUCKY GUESS."

But seriously Master Chef Junior was fucking impressive and completely worth watching the schlocky bullshit of a Gordon Ramsay/Fox Network show.
posted by phunniemee at 1:12 PM on September 15, 2014 [16 favorites]

Wait, no Wife Swap? Lame.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:12 PM on September 15, 2014

TL;DR: Bobby Flay is a dick.

This article wins.
posted by blurker at 1:15 PM on September 15, 2014 [16 favorites]

Beat Bobby Flay

I've never heard of this before, but I'm disappointed to learn that it's a cooking show.
posted by kiltedtaco at 1:16 PM on September 15, 2014 [22 favorites]

They forgot Famous Chef.
posted by Iridic at 1:18 PM on September 15, 2014

Also they forgot to include the MTV show "Snack Off", which is its own sort of amusing (mostly intentional) disaster.
posted by kiltedtaco at 1:19 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

I only watched the original Japanese Iron Chef, so it appears I quit while I was ahead - - I beat the cooking show casino!
posted by fairmettle at 1:21 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

At my gym its always ESPN on one TV, some cooking show on the other.
posted by shothotbot at 1:21 PM on September 15, 2014

Probably the best thing we ever did was cancel cable, because we'd watch these Food Network shows all the goddamn time. Now we can't!

Of course, I switched to binge watching Star Trek and Frasier, so maybe more of a sideways hop than a step forward.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:24 PM on September 15, 2014

Surprised there's no mention of Cookie Party. Minnie Coffee spanks that lame Alton Brown all the way up and down the baking aisle.
posted by Naberius at 1:25 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

I am getting so old. I just don't understand how it is possible that there are 31 different cooking competition shows.

First, they cost approximately seventy-five cents to produce.

Second, they're on cable, where ratings don't matter so much because ad revenue is just icing on the cake; the real money comes from cable subscriptions.

Those two facts combine, and bam, you've got multiple (many) subscription-funded channels full of barely distinguishable "reality" programs. As long as the cable companies keep those channels on the dial, they're profitable even if no one watches.

And that, boys and girls, is why the cable companies don't want you to pick your channels à la carte. It's a racket.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:26 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

GOD, my friends and I were addicted to Iron Chef back in the nineties. I really wish they'd release it on DVD. Even a "Greatest Hits" single DVD with half a dozen episodes would be awesome.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 1:29 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

Japanese Iron Chef and Alton Brown at the top and Flay / Fieri / Ray at the bottom? I will selfishly enjoy this text for validating my dearly-held opinions. Also, the snarky writing in the C – F categories is pretty amusing.

p.s. is there any way of incorporating Nigella Lawson into a competitive food show? Can we make that happen please?
posted by LMGM at 1:30 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm glad they share my opinion on Beat Bobby Flay

That actually sounds like something I would really...

Oh. They mean beat him in a cooking competition, don't they?
posted by drjimmy11 at 1:30 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

Worst Cooks In America deserves way better than a D+. It's the only competition show that actually teaches normal people stuff about cooking techniques and knife skills. It's in the top 3 cooking competition shows at our house.
posted by matildaben at 1:30 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

p.s. is there any way of incorporating Nigella Lawson into a competitive food show? Can we make that happen please?

She's one of the judges on The Taste.
posted by dnash at 1:32 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

How to establish a fictional character as an asshole in a few deft lines:

"We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding..."

"But we completely understand. You were busy fishing—with Mark Cuban."

"Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, not just The Cubes, but Chris Daughtry, Jeff Probst...Superchef Bobby Flay. I mean, it was insane, it was almost too much."

posted by Iridic at 1:36 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

So what's the deal with this Great British Bake-Off thing, and why isn't it ranked here?

Also I laughed so hard at "Beat Bobby Flay... with a tire iron". Even though I have eaten at one of his restaurants and sadly did not hate it.
posted by Sara C. at 1:36 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

So what's the deal with this Great British Bake-Off thing, and why isn't it ranked here?

THIS IS AMURRICA
posted by kagredon at 1:40 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

I remember the special they did where Morimoto from Iron Chef Japan was pitted against Flay. Incredibly, Flay won the contest and to celebrate climbed up on the kitchen counter and did a little victory dance on the cutting board. Morimoto was kind of disgusted that he would walk all over the place where you cut and prepare your food.

So, yeah. Bobby Flay. Prick.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 1:40 PM on September 15, 2014 [9 favorites]

I worked on the first season of "The Next Food Network Star" but I am in no manner responsible for Guy Fieri.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:41 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

(and before anyone says that the Japanese Iron Chef shouldn't be ranked as part of "Every competitive cooking show in America", remember: Japanese Iron Chef belongs to us all. As a species. It is one of our finer accomplishments, which we will be remembered for when all that's left of the planet are faintly propagating RF reruns of "Sturgeon Battle")
posted by kagredon at 1:42 PM on September 15, 2014 [7 favorites]

I remember the special they did where Morimoto from Iron Chef Japan was pitted against Flay. Incredibly, Flay won the contest and to celebrate climbed up on the kitchen counter and did a little victory dance on the cutting board. Morimoto was kind of disgusted that he would walk all over the place where you cut and prepare your food.


There was a follow up episode where, at the end, Bobby Flay took the cutting board, threw it on the ground and then climbed up and did a little dance on the counter...
posted by Jacob G at 1:43 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

THIS IS AMURRICA

Didn't stop Iron Chef from kicking our national ass.

Speaking of, they are all on YouTube. Previously.
posted by Sara C. at 1:44 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

chef not necessarily better than cook. chef professional, cook amateur.
posted by bruce at 1:44 PM on September 15, 2014

GOD, my friends and I were addicted to Iron Chef back in the nineties. I really wish they'd release it on DVD. Even a "Greatest Hits" single DVD with half a dozen episodes would be awesome.

/clears throat and taps side of nose
posted by Celsius1414 at 1:46 PM on September 15, 2014 [7 favorites]

Man v. Food (Travel Channel, 2008-2012)
Never in my life have I rooted so hard for an inanimate object to triumph over adversity and break a man’s spirit.
TL;DR: Food forever, man never.
Grade: C

I LOL'd
posted by rustcrumb at 1:46 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

FEEDBAG THROATBLAST: Master chefs have twenty minutes to assemble hand-picked, high-quality ingredients, which they then puree into a room-temperature, wood-colored slurry. Each chef's slurry is then poured into a trough. And then they are herded into the trough. And now they all have to live in the trough. Ha, ha! Joke humor. Goop home has no walls: is only viscous and brown. Food everywhere! All is food. Brown brown food goop. Silly people on the television, they are now all pigs. Ha, ha. The first one to utterly lose their self-worth, complete with "dead inside" eyes, wins the episode. They are given a car. The episode ends with the new car at the rim of the trough, the winner staring uncomprehendingly at their new prize, their loved ones pleading with them to leave the trough. But they will never leave. They no longer understand life outside of the trough. HA HA FEEDBAG THROATBLAST. Hosted by Mario Lopez.
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:47 PM on September 15, 2014 [26 favorites]

I'm not really sure how they came about that final "straightforward" ranking. It doesn't align with the grades much at all.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:48 PM on September 15, 2014

There's an older show they didn't even address - Ready Set Cook. It was based on a (still-existing) British show, and was kind of like a much friendlier version of Chopped; you had two chefs and two regular-joe contestants, each of which brought a bag of random ingredients. Each regular-joe contestant was paired with a professional chef, and each got their own fully-stocked-with-staples kitchen, and the chef met the contestant right there on the air for the first time, and they had to incorporate all the contestant's ingredients into inventing some dish. The winner was chosen by popular vote.

I only know about it because one of my good friends/former boyfriends was on the show and taped it about two months before we started dating back in 1996. He lost and got a waffle iron as a consolation prize, which he used with great fanfare to make me breakfast in bed one morning when I was staying over. (Then a couple months later, when his episode finally aired, one of my friends taped it for me and I sprang it on him with much glee as he didn't own a television.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:49 PM on September 15, 2014 [7 favorites]

Is it too much to ask for that the Food Network televise a program that shows someone actually cooking a recipe?
posted by JenThePro at 1:49 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

I used to be addicted to cooking shows. I decided when moving out cable was not a luxury I needed so I do netflix + hulu. Funny thing is, I don't even miss those shows. The only one I care about (masterchef) I can still watch.

I was even tiring of top chef, which is kind of boring to me now. I wouldn't go back to it even if I did have cable and it is always seen as a top notch show (though I think it dipped in quality a lot at some point).

Gordon Ramsay FTW
posted by Aranquis at 1:49 PM on September 15, 2014

You can definitely keep Iron Chef. In fact, this should simply be a one-item list. Iron Chef. The rest are dreck.

To my thinking, the best non-IC cooking "competition" was Gordon Elliott's Door Knock Dinners. Where he and a chef would randomly knock on the door of a home and offer to make the occupants a gourmet meal using only what is already in the home. It was pretty fun watching the chef try to come up with something edible.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:50 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

One thing that's kind of interesting/depressing is how much better the British versions of these shows are than what we get in the U.S. The British version of Ramsay Gordon's Kitchen Nightmares series was a serious, earnest attempt to help failing restaurants, unlike the staged freakshow we have here. MasterChef Professionals gives U.K. viewers a real cooking competition show, free of obnoxious Top Chef style drama.

I was genuinely shocked to watch The Taste U.K. after the 2nd season of The Taste. More or less the same judges (Bourdain, Nigella, Ludo) and the same format, but the U.K. presentation was so classy and tasteful. Instead of some bizarre futuristic disco set you have a set that looks like an actual kitchen, and instead of a bunch of "wacky" fame-whore contestants you have people who appear to actually want to cook professionally. Even the judges tone down their hysterics for the U.K. version.

I don't know whether to feel offended by this or not. Obviously there's a creative decision being made here, to make the U.S. versions of these shows as crass and garish as possible. Because that's the level they think American audiences are capable of processing? Or because Americans actually do want vulgar crap?
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 1:50 PM on September 15, 2014 [22 favorites]

Regarding Hell's Kitchen, I think they've encapsulated it perfectly with, "This is the worst show I’ve seen every episode of.".

SO TRUE IT HURTS.
posted by tocts at 1:50 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

Came for Iron Chef love and Bobby Flay hate. Left completely satisfied. A+.
posted by yeolcoatl at 1:51 PM on September 15, 2014 [7 favorites]

They forgot Famous Chef.

Alternate title: Flay Bobby Flay
posted by phunniemee at 1:51 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

The British version of Ramsay Gordon's Kitchen Nightmares series was a serious, earnest attempt to help failing restaurants, unlike the staged freakshow we have here.

Oh my goodness I cannot "like" this 1,000 times, but if I could, I would.
posted by JenThePro at 1:52 PM on September 15, 2014 [10 favorites]

That said, the judges [on Chopped] are usually considerably better than on your typical Food Network show, many of them being downright cantankerous.

this reminds me of the best episode of Chopped ever (not a very high bar, most of them run together), in which one of the judges threw a tantrum over the contestants using onions. Like, dude, I get that everyone has their own personal likes and dislikes, but how on earth have you managed to have a serious culinary career if your seething hatred of alliums blocks out all other opinion on how something tastes?
posted by kagredon at 1:55 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

/clears throat and taps side of nose

Oh god, the memories. Can I just say, I am so happy this exists, if for no other reason than it keeps the original (well, first-imported) soundtrack? At some point, I tried to watch re-runs of the Iron Chef on Cooking Channel, and the lack of Backdraft soundtrack killed it entirely for me.
posted by tocts at 1:56 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

The British version of Ramsay Gordon's Kitchen Nightmares series was a serious, earnest attempt to help failing restaurants, unlike the staged freakshow we have here.

Kitchen Nightmare restaurants: Still open or closed?
posted by Thorzdad at 1:58 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

FEEDBAG THROATBLAST

This makes me realize that you could have a cooking show entitled BLAST HARDCHEESE. Into which we could place our trust.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:02 PM on September 15, 2014 [7 favorites]

I'm going to actually pick one that wasn't highlighted in this "currated" list that they completely overlooked. Cooking Under Fire (2005): A PBS hosted competition to find a legitamately world class chef, both showing the art of making food and the working under constraints side. I'd consider it the grand-daddy to all the current shows in it's attempt to make it a cooking competition first and a show second.
posted by Hasteur at 2:04 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

Forgot to mention that MasterChef and Hell's Kitchen (even the new season that just started last week) are on YouTube for free.
posted by Clustercuss at 2:13 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

So what's the deal with this Great British Bake-Off thing, and why isn't it ranked here?

GBBO is amazing. It's classier than the food network stuff in the same way that the other British shows are, but it's also got the ever-delicious combo of a bunch of incredibly tightly wound contestants (good bakers are anal perfectionists, prim where cooks are flamboyant) plus the deeply ingrained emotional repression of the British national character, plus a variety of truly insane and unforgiving challenges conducted in difficult conditions (hey, let's have you all make baked Alaskas in a tent in a field on the only day of the year when it's 85F in England, and oh yeah, some of the fridges don't work.) But like, legitimately insane, if you get what I mean, in that making a four-foot tall croquembouche in under three hours is something a real pastry chef might actually do, whereas making an entree out of a cod fillet, a tub of mint jelly and pile of rusty iron filings, a la Chopped, has a certain artificiality about it. Plus there are short educational films about the history of pastry! I learned about Queen Victoria's wedding cake and flour mill flash-fires!

God I love it so.
posted by Diablevert at 2:15 PM on September 15, 2014 [9 favorites]

I am getting so old. I just don't understand how it is possible that there are 31 different cooking competition shows.

Two words: cheap TV...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 2:22 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

kagredon - your mentioning the phrase "favorite episode of Chopped" triggered a memory of my own favorite - where the contestants were all school lunch ladies. And it was really, really sweet - rather than the usual back-stabby "I'm gonna win this so suck it" posturing you usually get on a game show, all the conversations the contestants were having during judging, and all the one-on-one to-the-camera spots with each contestant were all really heartfelt statements about how important they feel their job is, how humbled and privileged they felt to be coming up with nutritious meals for kids, and how gracious they all were.

And I think the end-of-show surprise was that they brought a team of kids from each of the schools each of the contestants worked at to all join in a big end-of-show celebratory meal for all of them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:23 PM on September 15, 2014 [11 favorites]

this reminds me of the best episode of Chopped ever (not a very high bar, most of them run together), in which one of the judges threw a tantrum over the contestants using onions.

That was Scott Conant, whose original Scarpetta in Chelsea was very good when I went there about 5 years ago. And I think it was just raw red onions that he got all pissy about. Yes, it is depressing to me that I know which episode you are talking about, but as a I said, its on in the background a lot.
posted by dios at 2:24 PM on September 15, 2014 [6 favorites]

Top Chef is the only one I ever got really addictively sucked into, and the way the production values give you just the basics over a serialized season, letting you know both their tricks of the trade and their clashing personalities, while the judges sit high on Mt. Olympus to pass down judgment, gives the narrative that pro sports try to develop organically very, very well.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:25 PM on September 15, 2014

This thread needs more Bobby Flay bashing!

You are my people!
posted by blurker at 2:26 PM on September 15, 2014 [5 favorites]

I have a guilty affection for Throwdown!, but their review is spot-on.
posted by heathkit at 2:28 PM on September 15, 2014

This thread needs more Bobby Flay bashing!

The only things keeping Bobby Flay from being the worst thing to ever happen to Food Network are Sandra Lee and Guy Fieri. The only redeeming quality to Throwdown was the anticipation that Bobby would lose (and the immense satisfaction when he did).

Pretty much the first time I saw Bobby on TV (on one of his early non-solo shows, forget which), my gut reaction was "oh man, it's like they gave a cooking show to my worst memory from high school."

(in fairness, I have eaten at one of his restaurants in NYC, and it was delicious)
posted by tocts at 2:31 PM on September 15, 2014 [3 favorites]

I only watched Top Chef one season because local chef John Tesar was on there, and I knew he'd be a complete train wreck as his assholery is legend here in Dallas. Tesar cooks some good food, but he is a raging cock. His most recent petulance being his taking to Twitter to announce the banning of food critics from his restaurants because he got a three star review.
posted by dios at 2:35 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

(Interesting side note about Tesar is that he claims to be the pseudonymously named "Jimmy Sears" in Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential and Medium Raw; the train wreck asshole that Bourdain says was "the single most talented cook I ever worked with" but whose defining characteristic was "finding a way to fuck up badly whenever success threatens, accompanied by a countervailing ability to bounce back again and again—or, at the very least, survive.")
posted by dios at 2:43 PM on September 15, 2014

The article is factually incorrect in the sense that there's Iron Chef, and the field. None of the rest are even in the same league.
posted by ob1quixote at 2:53 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

I don't understand how the AV Club can write a heartfelt paean to IRON CHEF and its all-in high stakes cookery, and then be baffled at Sweet Genius. Rob Ben-Israel commits on that show just as the Chairman does, and is as nuanced and exacting in reviewing his contestants' food.
posted by boo_radley at 3:01 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

You can definitely keep Iron Chef. In fact, this should simply be a one-item list. Iron Chef. The rest are dreck.

Well, if you are talking about the original series, broadcast in Japanese, I am with you. The dubbed voices removed all the gravitas, acerbicness, and crustiness from the judges. Read subtitles or learn Japanese. It is the only way.

I would like Chopped better if the baskets weren't so ludicrous. It seems like every time I watch it, they get to something like "Pork shoulder, mago jam, and froot loops," and I'm like "try harder."

Although I really enjoyed the episode where the one contestant got completely in the weeds during the appetizer. He wandered around and only started cooking his edamame and shrimp like 5 minutes before service, then never plated. The judging was:

First judge: I can't judge this. It's just a plate.
Second judge: I have three beans.
Third judge (who got a shrimp): You're lucky.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:16 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

The list seems to be missing Knife Fight, which I found pleasant despite how annoying Ilan Hall has become. It was laid back, cooking for fun under the banner of reality TV.
posted by tofu_crouton at 3:20 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

A chef from my old neighborhood in Brooklyn was a Chopped contestant. She got so nervous she forgot to use the garnish part of her recipe in the first round. Said garnish was one of the mandatory ingredients. Needless to say, she was CHOPPED.

Her restaurant was OK. I'd eat there again before I ate at any of Bobby Flay's places.
posted by Sara C. at 3:23 PM on September 15, 2014

To my thinking, the best non-IC cooking "competition" was Gordon Elliott's Door Knock Dinners.

Hmm, interesting. Wikipedia says that show is from the late nineties but Swedish TV did something called "This is your fridge" in the early nineties, where they visited various celebrities at home under the pretense of making an interview program, and then sneaked into the kitchen during the interview to prepare a 3-course dinner with whatever they could find. I wonder who imitated who here.

(My favourite episode was the one with Dr Alban, who had rather limited supplies; iirc half a litre of low-fat milk, some tomato purée, and an onion.)
posted by effbot at 3:27 PM on September 15, 2014

Eh, the Chopped judges often keep someone who left out an ingredient over a worse dish overall, particularly if it's the first round. They are extremely inconsistent with that.
posted by Aranquis at 3:35 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

I am good friends with the couple whose wedding was the beach wedding episode of master chef, so that was neat.

The food was incredibly disappointing, but I was on TV for three seconds and my friends got a wedding they could not have otherwise afforded!
posted by flaterik at 3:36 PM on September 15, 2014

I couldn't actually bear to watch the episode, though. OMG the histrionics about everything.

Which is ironic because the wedding itself was chill and lovely.
posted by flaterik at 3:37 PM on September 15, 2014

the AV Club can write a heartfelt paean to IRON CHEF and its all-in high stakes cookery, and then be baffled at Sweet Genius

Seconding this: Sweet Genius really worked because everyone involved seemed fully committed to how utterly surreal it was. The inspiration items; Ron Ben-Israel's bizarre performance; but then as you note when it comes to judging he's very deliberate and very precise.

I haven't seen it for a while, and the AV Club has it dated to 2013 -- did it get canned? Shame.

Cutthroat Kitchen was the final "OK, that's enough of Alton Brown now" straw for me; mean-spirited and cheap, I would not rate it anywhere near as high as the AV Club does. (Also, the short roster of recurring judges somehow make it very obvious that it films episodes back-to-back; much more so than Chopped.)

Maybe also missing from this list: the Rayond Blanc competition The Restaurant, which was shown on BBC America.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 3:39 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

Every once in a while I watch one of these shows because I'm in a hotel and it's the least worst option, narrowly beating out watching advertisements for a thing that turns fruits and vegetables into a cup of brownish-green organic muck or advertisements for Jesus, who is probably capable of doing the same thing but that's generally not the aspect they're pushing (the aspect they are pushing is that I should send them money).

Lest that be mistaken for praise, they're still terrible, and "rating" them numerically is surely just fiddling around with insignificant digits after the decimal point in a percentage which is otherwise zero.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:45 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

Eh, the Chopped judges often keep someone who left out an ingredient over a worse dish overall, particularly if it's the first round. They are extremely inconsistent with that.

All the cooking contest shows have very poor assessment protocols. Their criteria are opaque, they aren't applied at all consistently, and there is (as far as I can tell) plenty of interference at the producer level. I'm not saying their judgement is bad, necessarily, but their decisions are highly arbitrary. I feel this is pretty much in the nature of the shows, which are supposed to be about cooking but are as much about drama (manufactured or otherwise).
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:14 PM on September 15, 2014

My husband and I used to make comments to each other (about dinner, about anything really) using Ron Ben-Israel's trademark three-adjective formulations. Sweet Genius was so bizarre.
posted by matildaben at 4:16 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

chef not necessarily better than cook. chef professional, cook amateur.

Not really but sort of. In Canada, for example, 'cook' is a designated field with qualifications (it's called the Red Seal program and applies across a lot of trades). 'Chef' just means 'chief' or 'boss' in French. So you'll have The Chef (usually called the exec), the chef de cuisine (boss of the kitchen), the sous-chef, and then chefs de parties--bosses of stations. Poissonier, grillardin, etc. In practice, yeah, we tend to use the terms chef/cook to delineate between pros and amateurs, or bosses versus line, but a lot of people within the industry refer to themselves and others (when not on camera) as cooks. Or cookies, in Bourdain's case.

Regarding Sweet Genius, my old roommate and I would watch it for sheer surreal hilarity, and Ben-Israel (who, lbr, is incredibly talented) as 'that bald French drag queen.' With love. So much fun watching that show.

Hell's Kitchen, I've said before, is a guilty pleasure, and I have yet to meet anyone who cooks professionally who doesn't watch it as sheer entertainment. 12 hilariously inept people, 4 who can actually cook, and Ramsay amping up the asshole factor for TV. In no universe should 16 trained professionals be unable to execute a relatively simple menu (the only really finicky thing is the Wellington) for 150 covers. If you want to have real fun with the show, try to pick out the top five in the first episode. You're virtually guaranteed to nail 4/5.

MasterChef is just... a trainwreck. It's blindingly obvious that decisions are made on the basis of watchability and not cooking talent; Christine, the visually impaired person who won, had precisely zero chance of losing once she made it on the show. Not that she isn't good, and I'm amazed at her plating skills, but there's no way at all they could have kicked her off. That's got to rankle somewhat. See also Leslie this season (finale airs in Canada tonight); Elizabeth and Courtney are obviously highly skilled. He's just been kept on because he's a surprisingly compelling asshole to watch.

Top Chef is the best outside original Iron Chef, no question. And Chopped does kind of capture what happens when chef says "so, we need to get rid of this, this, and that, come up with something" an hour before service. But Iron Chef wasn't really a competition-competition; all they end up with is bragging rights really.

We won't even discuss that godawful shitshow, Best Home Cook or whatever, that has five pros coming in to challenge a single home cook. It's SO RIGGED IT HURTS. Same with the episodes of Throwdown where Bobby Flay gets beaten with whips and chains by someone less pro.

Seriously though can we just have a show where anyone who cooks can just come on and throw sharp objects at Flay?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:21 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

matildaben: "My husband and I used to make comments to each other (about dinner, about anything really) using Ron Ben-Israel's trademark three-adjective formulations. Sweet Genius was so bizarre."

Playful... unusual... but messy ( minor chord sting )
posted by boo_radley at 4:25 PM on September 15, 2014 [5 favorites]

matildaben: "Sweet Genius was so bizarre."

Sweet Genius was so bizarre.
posted by boo_radley at 4:26 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

The list seems to be missing Knife Fight, which I found pleasant despite how annoying Ilan Hall has become. It was laid back, cooking for fun under the banner of reality TV.

Yes, this seemed like a strange omission. Perhaps Esquire is only available in very limited markets still?
posted by Room 641-A at 4:48 PM on September 15, 2014

My 8 1/2-year-old daughter and I are big Chopped fans, and my favorite ending (alluded to in each episode's opening) was when one of the judges (Scott Conant?) said, "This is the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth," which I recall was some horrible desert concoction. But that chef won, because the other finalist bled all over everything, so there you have it...
posted by AJaffe at 4:51 PM on September 15, 2014

What's fun with Chopped is when they do the 'make the judges cook' or 'celebuchef charity' episodes and the poor fuckers get screwed.

Marcus Samuelsson <3
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:53 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

It seems like every time I watch it, they get to something like "Pork shoulder, mago jam, and froot loops

Ok but now I'm imagining chicken fried pork chops with froot loop breading and I am unashamedly intrigued.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:57 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

the other finalist bled all over everything

There was a stretch in which it seemed like every single episode of Chopped had at least one contestant bleeding.

Other Chopped staples:

Carefully re-labelled and de-branded products: you're not fooling anyone with "yeast spread", Chopped, that's obviously a Marmite jar.

Contention over either the deep fryer or the ice cream machine.

Bread in the dessert basket always means either bread pudding or French toast. Always. SO MUCH FRENCH TOAST.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 5:04 PM on September 15, 2014 [9 favorites]

So, Kinetic never did anything with My Kitchen Rules?
posted by unliteral at 5:13 PM on September 15, 2014

Bread in the dessert basket always means either bread pudding or French toast. Always. SO MUCH FRENCH TOAST.

AKA Pain Perdu, which, yes, I've seen someone make on Chopped at least 50 times, sometimes without getting bread in the basket. As soon as the baskets are opened, my wife and I snarkily predict what will get made, and pain perdu in the dessert round is a given no matter what. Previous rounds usually include a protein encrusted with another basket ingredient.

Ok but now I'm imagining chicken fried pork chops with froot loop breading and I am unashamedly intrigued.

See! It's a gimmee!
posted by LionIndex at 5:36 PM on September 15, 2014

El Sabor Asiatico wrote:

One thing that's kind of interesting/depressing is how much better the British versions of these shows are than what we get in the U.S.

There's some sort of believe in the U.S. that if you don't cut away from something every 5 seconds (or fewer) then you'll lose your audience. It must have to do with trying to ensure you hold on the your audience by turning the action dial up to 11. 5 or 6 would do, really.

I recommend The Restaurant, hosted by Raymond Blanc. Pretty good reality cooking show.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 6:08 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

(I see I'm seconding "The Restaurant"...)
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 6:29 PM on September 15, 2014

tocts: "Pretty much the first time I saw Bobby on TV (on one of his early non-solo shows, forget which), my gut reaction was "oh man, it's like they gave a cooking show to my worst memory from high school.""

Grillin' & Chillin'?
posted by Chrysostom at 6:35 PM on September 15, 2014

The restaurant was awesome. Seasons and Sorbet. Savory sorbet restaurant!!
posted by JPD at 6:49 PM on September 15, 2014

that chef won, because the other finalist bled all over everything

I saw that one too! In another one, I distinctly remember the camera going back to the finger of a latex glove slowly filling with blood - uh, I was worried about that lady.

I don't often watch Chopped but when I do I watch 5 episodes in a row. Their formula is so addicting. I'll just watch the appetizer course... oh let's see what they do for dinner... and now I have to finish it off to see who wins... oh shit, another one is starting!
posted by bobobox at 7:38 PM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]

Don't be worried, fingers bleed a lot.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:06 PM on September 15, 2014

Though, for what it's worth, I know a medic who's worked on one of the shows mentioned in this thread (not my story, so I won't spill the beans) who is adamantly NOT going back next season because things were off the fucking chain in terms of the constant injuries. That said, most set medics are used to being in standby mode just in case, not the workload that must result from these cooking competition gigs.
posted by Sara C. at 8:17 PM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]

I really dislike Cutthroat Kitchen. It's the final stage of the Food Network turning Alton Brown into a talking head made in their own prefered image: humorless, snarky, mean, grumpy, a "food authority personality" without any of that pesky working with actual food. It's just so disappointing to watch him preside over a food-tinged mean thunderdome when he could be using his food knowledge to edify and delight, not host bands of poo-flinging chefs who think this appearance will catapult them into their own show.

The American Baking Competition (although I thought it had a mildly snappier name) referenced in the article is the American version of The Great British Bake-Off. Foxworthy was actually not horrible, but the show suffered from two big problems: with about 4 episodes left, the editing did a sharp 180 turn and a dude who had been arrogant, delusional, borderline cheating, mean, not the best baker, and a general jerk suddenly started getting a winner's edit (which was quite a feat because he didn't do anything to seem likable or suddenly great to help that edit at all), beating out two more likable contestants, one of whom had been the frontrunner all season. And the two judges (one brought over from England) apparently started an affair during the taping (their mutual interest was obvious when they were conferring and judging). He was still married and CBS shied away from the "scandal" before it could erupt and decided the show and that pair had no future on their Tiffany network.
posted by julen at 10:33 PM on September 15, 2014 [4 favorites]

Regarding Hell's Kitchen, I think they've encapsulated it perfectly with, "This is the worst show I’ve seen every episode of."

Same here, although for me it would be more "This is the worst show I’ve seen about half of every episode". I fast forward through the many repeating parts and boring bits, condensing each show to about 20 minutes
posted by Berend at 2:02 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

Found a review of the episode of "Chopped" with the lunch ladies.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:40 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

One thing I've always wondered about the various incarnations of Ramsay's shows...Is there a security team always stationed just off camera, ready to fly into action? The way he treats all these people like such shit, in locations with knives and solid metal pots and pans, I am amazed someone has never snapped and clocked Ramsay across the back of the head with a saute pan.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:01 AM on September 16, 2014

There was a really staged confrontation like that on one season of HK, Thorzdad--the year the guy with the broken hand won.

I doubt that it's a real fear though. Most kitchen people are used to abuse, sadly, and if you're going to be yelled at it might as well be by Ramsay.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:53 AM on September 16, 2014

I recommend The Restaurant, hosted by Raymond Blanc. Pretty good reality cooking show.

For a split second I thought you meant a very different show.

I was dating a sommelier when Rocco DiSpirito's Restaurant show aired, and that became our crack - he was giving me all sorts of inside-baseball commentary, but even without him it would have been clear to me that this was a total trainwreck. Rocco was spending way too much time on-camera schmoozing with cute girls, most of the waiters were obviously hired on the basis of camera presence rather than talent (except for this one waiter, I think his name was Topher, who seemed like he knew what he was doing), and Rocco's mother was working the kitchen and I noticed that whenever any of the patrons would get upset he'd pull her out of the kitchen to come do this Italian-grandma schtick to pacify them.

Sometime after the first season wrapped up, the sommellier and I were out at a bar on the Lower East Side and the General Manager/Sommellier from the show - one of the few guys in the place who seemed to know what he was doing - came in for a drink and my date almost asked for his autograph ("dude, I know what you were up against").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:26 AM on September 16, 2014

Oh man, America’s Next Great Restaurant (NBC, 2011), was the worst. It was obvious in the first episode a)who was going to win, and b)That they were setting him up to fail miserably. Unfortunately, I watched every episode in rubbernecking at a car wreck fashion.

My favorite episode of Chopped was from early in the series. The two finalists were both pretty much perfect throughout, and the winner went on to win the first Champions tournament and Iron Chef America. It was one of the rare eps that actually felt like a real competition between two chefs at the top of their game.

It's definitely become much more formulaic in later seasons, but it's still pretty good TV 80% of the time. Like someone mentioned upthread, once you start, it's hard not to "one more course" your way through 4 episodes in a row.
posted by billyfleetwood at 9:29 AM on September 16, 2014

Oh hey, Steven Tempel is the guy Bourdain wrote about in Kitchen Confidential. The bread dude.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:02 AM on September 16, 2014

It's the final stage of the Food Network turning Alton Brown into a talking head made in their own prefered image: humorless, snarky, mean, grumpy, a "food authority personality" without any of that pesky working with actual food. It's just so disappointing to watch him preside over a food-tinged mean thunderdome when he could be using his food knowledge to edify and delight, not host bands of poo-flinging chefs who think this appearance will catapult them into their own show.

In case folks aren't aware (and I don't see it linked in the comments here in a cursory scan), Alton has a YouTube-based show that is more in line with Good Alton instead of Evil Alton -- playlist -- though it's been a couple months since a new one came out.
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:13 AM on September 16, 2014 [4 favorites]

fffm: if you are responding to my comment above about Tesar being the real "Jimmy Sears", the link in the previous post (...assholery...) goes through the Tesar-Bourdain connection and notes:

Anthony Bourdain can relate. The host of the Travel Channel’s No Reservations has known Tesar for years and first wrote about him in his 2001 book, Kitchen Confidential, giving the hard-partying Tesar the pseudonym Jimmy Sears. In this year’s Medium Raw, Bourdain wrote:
“Tesar was probably the single most talented cook I ever worked with—and the most inspiring. … His food—even the simplest of things—made me care about cooking again. The ease with which he conjured up recipes, remembered old recipes (his dyslexia prevented him from writing much of value), and threw things together was thrilling to me. And, in a very direct way, he was responsible for any success I had as a chef afterward. …

“Looking back at a lot of the people I’ve known and worked with over the years, I see a common thread starting to reveal itself. Not universal, mind you, but there all too often to be a coincidence: a striking tendency among people I’ve liked to sabotage themselves. Tesar pretty much wrote the book on this behavior pattern: finding a way to fuck up badly whenever success threatens, accompanied by a countervailing ability to bounce back again and again—or, at the very least, survive.”

Bourdain told me that he once hurled a steel pan at Tesar’s head in a New York kitchen. “I wanted to kill him,” Bourdain says icily. But then his tone changes to one of affection. “I bear him no animosity,” he says. “John provided a lot of great drama, a lot of great food, a lot of great stories. He’s never going to be Person of the Year, but what chef is?”

Tesar was apparently tame on Top Chef, yet still came across like a trainwreck.
posted by dios at 11:16 AM on September 16, 2014

Seems to me that it's not so much Evil Alton on Next Food Network Star so much as it's May As Well Make A Bunch Of Money And Take The Piss Alton. Every so often it looks like he's undermining the show--saying the words they want him to say but something about the tone, maybe.

dios, no, I'm referring to one of the people on the Crunch Time episode of Chopped, linked by billyfleetwood. 'Sears' sabotaged himself; Tempel was like, the Bread Whisperer and a total trainwreck.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:19 AM on September 16, 2014

Back at my former gym, these shows were often nearly the only thing on I could stand to watch. If they were re-runs, then I defaulted to the home improvement shows on HGTV and DIY. At my current gym, DIY is all I've got, and I'd *really* like to have these shows back. (My other choices are E!, CNN during a rather disappointing hour, Fox News, and a batch of sports channels.)

Chopped nights were my favorite nights, followed by Cutthroat Kitchen nights, followed by Man Vs. Food (or the other Richman show, whose name I've forgotten), followed by the occasional food travelogue show that got in there, ending with Guy Fieri's Diners, Drive-Throughs, and Dives nights (somewhat ironic, given that I have an innate sympathy for something that can be called Triple D).

I miss the Iron Chef, but it never showed up while I was at that gym, I only saw it when visiting my parents or in hotels. I sadly never saw Good Eats.
posted by Four Ds at 11:27 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

dios, no, I'm referring to one of the people on the Crunch Time episode of Chopped, linked by billyfleetwood. 'Sears' sabotaged himself; Tempel was like, the Bread Whisperer and a total trainwreck.

I forgot about that guy. Now that I think back, I think that was part of what made it so good. It seemed like it was going to be focused on the Bourdain guy, and he flamed out early.
posted by billyfleetwood at 11:40 AM on September 16, 2014

Yeah, when they made the connection I was fully expecting a FN Redemption Moment. Instead it was just kind of sad.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:43 AM on September 16, 2014

The description for Hell's Ktchen is perfect. I hatelove that show. I don't know why I get sucked into it.

I also don't know why contestants, when they find out they're on the show, don't practice making risotto and scallops until they can make them perfectly in their sleep.
posted by Jalliah at 2:42 PM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

Most of the contestants seem to be picked for their massive overvaluation of their own culinary skills; the kind of people who would do that kind of prep work--or even believe they need to--are probably not the kind of people who'd actually apply for the most part, I think. Plus I'm guessing producers weed those sorts out--there's no drama if everyone shows up able to execute Ramsay's menu.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:54 PM on September 16, 2014 [2 favorites]

As another gym-goer who has seen many episodes of Chopped (including the one where the guy bleeds on the food and the judges freak out), I enjoyed this list.

They should do one with the home improvement shows--the other big show that I watched at the gym was Love It or List It and I freaking loved that show. Totally staged, but man I loved the two hosts (Hilary and Smarmy Real Estate Guy).

In terms of this article, this was hands down the best burn:

You can tell it’s a robot [Adam Richman] because after each round, it asks the contestant what they’ll do with the money they won. There are five rounds every episode. And one contestant. You would be surprised how rarely the answer to the question changes, making the show not only deathly dull but also completely surreal.

posted by librarylis at 7:44 PM on September 16, 2014

I think they have Food Court Wars and The Great Food Truck Race miscategorized.

Food Court Wars is obviously a spin-off from Food Truck Race: Tyler Florence! Teams compete to ACHIEVE THE DREAM! Challenges and DRAMA!

But it's also a nastier, cheaper version. The slots the teams are competing for are all in grim malls that are clearly struggling -- why else would they have not one but two vacancies in their food court, why would they be willing to lease them to Food Network on the cheap, and why would they put in an unknown startup tenant rather than a tried-and-tested franchise?

It would be interesting to revisit some of the winners after their year of free rent: how many of them are still operating? My guess is that for most of them, the prize is a pit that swallows money, sweat, and enthusiasm before spitting them out.

(That said, I've given up on both shows; Food Court because it's depressing; Food Truck because it's so SO formulaic. Also: Tyler Florence, charisma vacuum.)
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 8:20 AM on September 17, 2014

The Lunch Lady episode of chopped is online. It's great.
posted by billyfleetwood at 7:36 PM on September 17, 2014