Mine tastes like a doctor's office.

September 30, 2014 7:21 AM

Irish People Taste American Junk Food for the First Time
posted by Evilspork (170 comments total)

Canada is pretty famous for its potato chips, but there are some flavours that are too extreme. The person who suggested this should be ashamed. There's still an opened, uneaten bag in our pantry.
posted by Nevin at 7:31 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

"Well-to-do Irish kids turn up their noses at poor people food". My sister has lived in Ireland and Scotland and you'll have a hard time convincing me the 1:5 KFC:people ratio is because they like the architecture.

Now a video of Yanks eating Pukka Pies.
posted by yerfatma at 7:33 AM on September 30, 2014 [21 favorites]

Don't worry, Irish people- nobody knows what tootsie rolls are.


Other than "a dark activity to just fecking while away the hours and keep going until death."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:34 AM on September 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

MetaFilter: It's just a dark activity to while away the hours and keep going until death.
posted by murphy slaw at 7:35 AM on September 30, 2014 [38 favorites]

When I first went to the US I came away amazed at the fortitude of the American public for a) watching so much TV when there were constant advert breaks turning the whole thing into a chore and b) eating so much junk food when virtually all of it tastes like some sort of accident in a chemistry lab. I mean: Hershey Bars. How did food science make chocolate taste bad?

(And, yes, I know I just admitted to eating squirrel on another thread.)
posted by sobarel at 7:35 AM on September 30, 2014 [17 favorites]

How would they know its "poor people food"? I wouldn't. They looked like a selection of snacks.
posted by biffa at 7:36 AM on September 30, 2014

Irish People Taste the Worst of American Junk Food for the First Time.

They are already familiar with our more delicious junk food as it has successfully penetrated the Irish market.
posted by pseudonick at 7:38 AM on September 30, 2014 [22 favorites]

Man if you all hate Twizzlers so much you can send them all to me. Mmm, Twizzlers. They taste like a road trip.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 7:39 AM on September 30, 2014 [17 favorites]

Twizzlers always disappoint me because I expect them to taste like Red Vines but instead they taste like some sort of sealant used by pediatric dentists.
posted by murphy slaw at 7:41 AM on September 30, 2014 [58 favorites]

All those items are available in my local Tesco here in the UK. I was just the other day prodding a Tootsie Roll as I realised I'd heard of them but had no idea what sort of foodstuff it actually was. I came away unenlightened.
posted by sobarel at 7:42 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

Maybe not "poor people food" exactly but definitely "poor people snacks" as opposed to more expensive candy and treats that taste like something besides sugar and chemicals -- like, say, a nice granola bar or real chocolate bar or drinks that contain some actual juice.

So LOLAmericans, especially LOLpoorAmericans, amirite?
posted by edheil at 7:42 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I came away unenlightened.

On the contrary you must cherish your ignorance.
posted by poffin boffin at 7:44 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

More like LOLBlandProcessedFoods, I think.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 7:44 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

These aren't poor people snacks. They're quintessential Middle America snacks.
posted by shivohum at 7:44 AM on September 30, 2014 [9 favorites]

Hershey's is an aquired taste, but it's a necessity for making s' mores :9 The unique flavor comes from using milk that's juuuust about to turn (they test it by seeing when it will make a ring on a glass.)
For true American junk food horror check out Doritos LOADED! (tm) a product they've been pushing at the 7-11. It's like a fried mozzarella stick, but instead of mozzarella, it's some kind of nacho cheese goo, and the breading is replaced by crumbled Dorito powder. I just can't even.
posted by sexyrobot at 7:44 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

In theory they should be glorious but in practice they look like boils on chester cheetah's butt.
posted by poffin boffin at 7:47 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

In the meanwhile, when Americans tried Irish snacks in a parallel video, they liked them, and loved black pudding.
posted by maxsparber at 7:47 AM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

Don't worry, Irish people- nobody knows what tootsie rolls are.

They're fucking amazing is what they are.
posted by echocollate at 7:48 AM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

Maybe the perception of this stuff as poverty food is generational or something, but growing up in the late 70s/early 80s this stuff was omnipresent in the middle-class households of my friends. Everyone thought my parents were weird for not letting me have sugared cereal of the Froot Loops variety.

(They did let me have Honey Nut Cheerios, which is basically the same class of breakfast dessert as Froot Loops, but without the food coloring.)
posted by murphy slaw at 7:49 AM on September 30, 2014 [7 favorites]

Twizzlers always disappoint me because I expect them to taste like Red Vines but instead they taste like some sort of sealant used by pediatric dentists.

I went to a movie theater that only had, shudder, Red Vines instead of Twizzlers and I very nearly asked for my money back. Red Vines taste like dried cough syrup vomit. Twizzlers, on the other hand, taste like sweet delicious fruit chemical!

Twizzlers 4 life!
posted by dirtdirt at 7:50 AM on September 30, 2014 [16 favorites]

For true American junk food horror check out Doritos LOADED! (tm) a product they've been pushing at the 7-11. It's like a fried mozzarella stick, but instead of mozzarella, it's some kind of nacho cheese goo, and the breading is replaced by crumbled Dorito powder. I just can't even.

I had those once, late at night when I had no food at home. They tasted like I needed to get my life in order.
posted by Going To Maine at 7:50 AM on September 30, 2014 [95 favorites]

I grew up pretty poor in the '70s and we never had that stuff because we couldn't afford it.
posted by octothorpe at 7:51 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

They tasted like I needed to get my life in order.

I saw those advertised and decided that there was no way I should be putting them in my body and I'm pretty sure that was the moment my inner child just gave up and left.
posted by griphus at 7:51 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

See also: Tourists Translate Irish Slang

So LOLAmericans, especially LOLpoorAmericans, amirite?

I think you'll find it's LOLcornsyrup, actually.

My sister has lived in Ireland and Scotland and you'll have a hard time convincing me the 1:5 KFC:people ratio is because they like the architecture.

There are 784 KFCs and 64 million people in the United Kingdom. Your math is just a smidge off there.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:51 AM on September 30, 2014

I got this British Cadbury chocolate bar that was supposed to be filled with air pockets or some such thing. I always hear about American chocolate sucking, and so I put this thing in my mouth. It tasted like mummy and chalk.

I still occasionally see them and can't imagine why people would want to fuck up perfectly good chocolate like that.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:52 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

It feels like they chose the literal bottom of the barrel of US snacks, and I am very curious what the criteria were. Granted, the stuff they chose is in some ways iconic, but also (at least in my experience) not the stuff people eat on a regular basis (at least not since circa 1990).
posted by tocts at 7:52 AM on September 30, 2014

Hershey's is an aquired taste, but it's a necessity for making s' mores

One of these days I want to make s'mores with Cluizel Noir Infini 99%.
posted by Foosnark at 7:52 AM on September 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

I got this British Cadbury chocolate bar that was supposed to be filled with air pockets or some such thing. I always hear about American chocolate sucking, and so I put this thing in my mouth. It tasted like mummy and chalk.

A Wispa Bar? Grim times indeed.
posted by sobarel at 7:54 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Now I want a video where small american children are forced to not only smell but also taste picked onion monster munch for the first time, although I do have some concerns about child safety laws.
posted by poffin boffin at 7:54 AM on September 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

"Tootsie Roll's Secret Empire:"

The 116-year-old company, run by one of America's oldest CEOs, has become increasingly secretive over the years, severing nearly all of its connections to the outside world. Tootsie Roll shuns journalists, refuses to hold quarterly earnings calls, and issues crookedly-scanned PDFs for its earnings releases. The last securities industry analyst to maintain coverage of the company stopped last year because it was too hard to get information...

...The chairman and chief executive of Tootsie Roll is Melvin Gordon, a bespectacled man in his 90s who has headed the company for 50 years. He runs it with his 80-year-old wife, Ellen.

(The fun subtext is that the WSJ cannot comprehend a profitable, mature, mid-size company that not's particularly interested in financial shenanigans, growth, or acquisition, but just wants to make and sell candy.)
posted by Iridic at 7:55 AM on September 30, 2014 [65 favorites]

Hershey's is an aquired taste

I knew kids who ate crayons in kindergarten too.
posted by bonehead at 7:56 AM on September 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

The chairman and chief executive of Tootsie Roll is Melvin Gordon

I read that as executive chef and almost choked to death on the sheer hubris
posted by poffin boffin at 7:57 AM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

The fun subtext is that the WSJ cannot comprehend a profitable, mature, mid-size company that not's particularly interested in financial shenanigans, growth, or acquisition, but just wants to make and sell candy.

Either that or some reporter was getting perilously close to discovering the vast, chitinous, ultraterrestrial slug they have imprisoned in their "factory" which produces Tootsie Rolls as a waste product.
posted by murphy slaw at 7:59 AM on September 30, 2014 [40 favorites]

I still occasionally see them and can't imagine why people would want to fuck up perfectly good chocolate like that.

Oh, man...I love aerated chocolate.

From Wikipedia: "Due to the isolating effect of the bubbles, air chocolate melts differently from compact bar chocolate — the mouthfeel is fragile-short at first, then as the chocolate is chewed it melts rapidly due to its bigger surface area. This intensifies the perception of taste."
posted by malocchio at 7:59 AM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

From Wikipedia (resulting from my attempts to determine what, actually, a Tootsie Roll is):

During the Battle of Chosin Reservoir in 1950, mortar sections under the United States Marine Corps started to run out of mortar rounds. The radio men of these sections started requesting more rounds. There were too many nearby enemy anti-air emplacements however, and the risk that they might lose any airlifted supplies was too great, so they had to wait. After two days of waiting, all the mortar sections ran out of rounds. At this point the risk was taken and supplies were dropped anyway. When the troops found the crates of mortar rounds, they found the crates were instead filled with Tootsie Rolls. The cause of this error was that a supply specialist did not know that the codename for mortar rounds was "Tootsie Rolls", and instead ordered hundreds of crates of Tootsie Roll candies instead of mortar rounds.


Wow, M*A*S*H was actually a frickin' documentary.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:02 AM on September 30, 2014 [35 favorites]

picked onion monster munch

I . .. I thought this was a joke. But no, THE HORROR IS REAL
posted by fimbulvetr at 8:02 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

They don't have Froot Loops in Ireland? I felt like they had ever other kind of crap cereal we have the last time I was in a Tesco's over there.

Should have hooked them up with some maple syrup and fluffy pancakes if the Yanks got to try black pudding and rashers.
posted by Diablevert at 8:03 AM on September 30, 2014

Back when I was about 18 my aunt, uncle, and a cousin came over from Ireland to attend my brother's wedding. I'd never met my cousin before and this was his first time in the states so my brothers and I couldn't wait to take him out and show him the best America had to offer. Of course, to our sheltered, suburban minds, "The Best America Had To Offer" was baby back ribs at Tony Roma's.

His reaction? "What the fook is with all that fookin' sauce they put on it? It's fookin' terrible!"

It's been 25 years now and he hasn't been back to America. Mostly because "You can't get a fookin' drink anywhere."
posted by bondcliff at 8:03 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

So, the premise of this is that we're being lectured on the poor quality of our junk food by a country whose basic approach to cuisine is to fry and/or boil everything?
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:04 AM on September 30, 2014 [11 favorites]

The chairman and chief executive of Tootsie Roll is Melvin Gordon, a bespectacled man in his 90s who has headed the company for 50 years. He runs it with his 80-year-old wife, Ellen.

Fact: Ellen Gordon appears on Food Network eighteen times a day, every day, talking about Tootsie Rolls or Blow Pops.

(Also I used to walk past a candy factory on the way to work every day, and you could always tell when they were making Junior Mints. Those were the best days.)
posted by uncleozzy at 8:05 AM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

Quin Candy in Portland makes some interesting artisan junk candy. These are basically Starbursts, and these are basically Tootsie Rolls. Neat to try on a lark. The Starburst ones are way too sticky though.
posted by smackfu at 8:05 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Now I want a video where small american children are forced to not only smell but also taste picked onion monster munch for the first time

I see your Pickled Onion Monster Munch and raise you Roast Beef Space Raiders.

although I do have some concerns about child safety laws.

No you don't.
posted by sobarel at 8:09 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

So, the premise of this is that we're being lectured on the poor quality of our junk food by a country whose basic approach to cuisine is to fry and/or boil everything?

My grandmother was Irish and grew up during the depression. I'll just say that dinner at her place when I was a kid was dire.
posted by empath at 8:09 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

I mean: Hershey Bars. How did food science make chocolate taste bad?

So this one time biscotti's English relatives came over for a visit, and one of them was quite keen to try a proper American Hershey bar.

She took a bite and it was like when you could see Ralph Wiggum's heart break. All she said was "It tastes of sick" as she wrapped up the remaining 95% of the bar and set it aside.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:10 AM on September 30, 2014 [21 favorites]

What junk food? The day I arrived in the US my then-girlfriend (now wife) took me to a breakfast place and I ordered white toast. I bit into it and it tasted like it was dunked in maple syrup before I had received it. They stuff sugar in absolutely everything over here.
posted by Talez at 8:11 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

My US->UK transplant self is alternately amused and horrified when browsing the American food sections at various stores. Apparently, the pinnacle of US cuisine, at least to a British palate, is marshmallow fluff, Pop-Tarts, and Twinkies (marked up to £1 each). I swear I've seen more marshmallow fluff over here than I ever did back in the states.

Any arguments regarding the quantity of junk food are a bit suspicious; a glance at the vast aisles of biscuits, cakes, puddings, and candy at the local Tesco would put that to rest. Quality, though, is much better over here - even for mass produced "middle class" junk. Sorry Little Debbie, Mr. Kipling kicks your ass any day of the week.
posted by penguinicity at 8:11 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

Hershey's is an aquired taste. Apparently not in Canada. They had to reformulate it as we wouldn't eat the American version. Twice.

Still disgusting though.
posted by fimbulvetr at 8:11 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Whenever I think about Tootsie Rolls I think about this op-doc in which Errol Morris interviews El Wingador, a champion hot wing eater. Apparently, to train to become a champion, El Wingador would put a tootsie roll in his mouth, chew it until soft, and repeat ad infinitum until he had a baseball-sized mass of tootsie rolls rolling around in his tongue. Then he'd swallow it whole.
posted by Going To Maine at 8:12 AM on September 30, 2014

I miss Swedish Berries. They have them again now--we won't refer to the Dark Years when all was available was some sort of weird, too-large, flat, too-much-gelatine, overly chewy, tasteless alternative--but something in the formula has changed and they're just not right anymore.

And Big Foots. Omg. You eat the big toe first obviously.

But--and I know they're not Irish--nothing is better than Refreshers. Or a sherbet fountain. Or rock candy. or prawn crisps. Thank God Cadbury came to its senses and started making Flakes here so I no longer had to rely on relatives coming back from the UK or painfully overpriced import stores.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:13 AM on September 30, 2014

Mrs Quoad's Disgusting English Candy Drill.
posted by sobarel at 8:14 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Hersey Bars are the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese of chocolate. When compared to the real thing, they're horrible, but taken as guilty pleasure, trashy comfort food, they're awesome. Same with McDonald's hamburgers to a real hamburger, or Slim Jims to the actual flesh of a stranded human rugby player.
posted by bondcliff at 8:17 AM on September 30, 2014 [27 favorites]

We honeymooned in Ireland. One day while walking through the city we stopped at a corner shop to get refreshments. I picked up a bag of Doritos. Did you know that Doritos in Ireland are marketed as having Authentic Mexican Flavor?

Irish cuisine is kinda bleh. Irish ingredients are world-class. I had the best Japanese food I've ever had in my life at Yamamori Noodles on Great Georges Street.
posted by infinitewindow at 8:17 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Two food stories involving me and my Irish friend, and bagels.

1. My very first visit to her (and to Ireland) we went on a kitchen raid for a midnight snack once. She kept insisting that we have some "Philadelphia cheese," and was asking if we had that in the US as it was really good. I had no idea what she meant until she pulled the package out of the fridge - it was Philadelphia brand cream cheese. "Oh, cream cheese!" I said. "Oh, yeah, I know what that is, I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast most of the time."

She did a confused-dog head-tilt. "What's a 'bagel'?" she asked.

As God is my witness, I had no idea what to say.

2. Years later now - we are both early 40's, I have been living in New York for years. She is more cognizant of bagels by now, and she has come for a visit. And - as is our wont - we have been getting caught up in a friendly competition over who's going to pay for things. I insist on paying for things because she's my freakin' guest, but she insists on paying for things because....well, because. We have been having this debate back and forth for a solid three days now, interspersed with everything else we've been talking about.

At some point we're wandering around Downtown Brooklyn, and she sees the sign for a 7-11 up ahead and asks what that is. "It's like a convenience store," I start explaining, "you know, they have the quick food, they have them attached to gas stations a lot" -

"Oh, like a petrol shop," she says, understanding.

"Yeah, like that."

"Maybe we could stop in and I could pick up some bagels for breakfast for us."

And I stopped dead on the sidewalk and stared at her. "Okay, listen," I said. "I know that we have been arguing back and forth about who's paying for things. And - okay, you can pick up some bagels for us if you really, really insist. But - I will not, as a New Yorker, allow you to get those bagels from a 7-11."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:22 AM on September 30, 2014 [23 favorites]

Apparently not in Canada. They had to reformulate it as we wouldn't eat the American version. Twice.

It's because the chocolate is sour because Hershey use cheap, two week old milk to make the chocolate.
posted by Talez at 8:22 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

My grandmother was Irish and grew up during the depression. I'll just say that dinner at her place when I was a kid was dire

So was mine, but she worked as a cook-housekeeper before marrying my grandfather and none of her descendants have yet managed to replicate her Irish bread or her roast turkey, including my uncle who trained at Johnson and Wales. She even learned to make a mean spaghetti and meatballs from the Italian guy who lived down the street.

On the other hand, when she did take her brood back to visit her parents on the Ol' Sod for the first time, she sat them all down and warned them that when they got there "you'll be served pig's arse and cabbage, and you'll like it!" Turned out my great grandmother actually made them a nice beef roast, I think, but the warning stands...
posted by Diablevert at 8:25 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Irish cuisine is kinda bleh.

You shut your bloody mouth.

* cuddles Darina Allen cookbooks to breast *
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:27 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I can't even get past the subtitle on that Wall Street Journal article. A CEO in His 90s Helms an Attractive Takeover Target. So What's Next? No One Really Knows

An attractive takeover target.

That's all business is these days, isn't it? :(
posted by jillithd at 8:28 AM on September 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

I have a theory that sweets and desserts are a lot more culturally specific than main courses/savoury dishes. The expected sugar level is a big part of it, as well as what flavours are acceptable to pair with the sweet taste.
posted by kersplunk at 8:29 AM on September 30, 2014

How would they know its "poor people food"?

Poor choice of words on my part. "Low-brow" or "mainstream" would have conveyed a richer meaning.
posted by yerfatma at 8:30 AM on September 30, 2014

Apparently, the pinnacle of US cuisine, at least to a British palate, is marshmallow fluff, Pop-Tarts, and Twinkies (marked up to £1 each).

Don't forget spam pizza and 3-inch-diameter "American-style gobstoppers" that not even Shaquille O'Neal could fit in his mouth.
posted by XMLicious at 8:31 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

First we had a thread where people were dissing salad cream, now I walk in here and see y'all throwing shade on Pickled Onion Monster Munch?

I don't even know what to think any more, MeFi. I don't know if I can go on like this.
posted by fight or flight at 8:32 AM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

When the troops found the crates of mortar rounds, they found the crates were instead filled with Tootsie Rolls. The cause of this error was that a supply specialist did not know that the codename for mortar rounds was "Tootsie Rolls", and instead ordered hundreds of crates of Tootsie Roll candies instead of mortar rounds.

The North Koreans still talk with horror of The Day of Brown Death.
posted by yoink at 8:33 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

I find the prickly defensiveness of many here (someone really thinks this is lecturing?) highly amusing. Almost as good as the video comments.
posted by epo at 8:33 AM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

I mean: Hershey Bars. How did food science make chocolate taste bad?

One of my English cousins likes Hershey bars so much that I wound up bringing her a box when I visited last year. (I'll cop to enjoying dark chocolate Hershey bars, but not so much the milk chocolate.)
posted by thomas j wise at 8:33 AM on September 30, 2014

Yerfatma: "Well-to-do Irish kids turn up their noses at poor people food". My sister has lived in Ireland and Scotland and you'll have a hard time convincing me the 1:5 KFC:people ratio is because they like the architecture.

Now a video of Yanks eating Pukka Pies.

There are very few KFCs in Ireland. A few around Dublin shopping centres, I think. We have many more of other American franchises.
There are no Pukka Pies.
posted by distorte at 8:34 AM on September 30, 2014

Don't forget spam pizza

And people think Hawaiians put pineapple on pizza. How wrong they are.
posted by Talez at 8:34 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

I swear I've seen more marshmallow fluff over here than I ever did back in the states.

But is there peanut butter on the shelf next to it? Because what else do you do with the fluff?
posted by uncleozzy at 8:34 AM on September 30, 2014

Also "Irish cuisine is kinda bleh" was basically true for a long time. 90% of people my parents' age will boil vegetables to within an inch of their life without any seasoning, cook steak til it's grey and dry and shrivelled, make salads consisting only of watery tomatoes, iceberg lettuce, a slice of ham and a hard boiled egg, etc. but the standard has improved massively in the last 20 years.
posted by kersplunk at 8:36 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

But is there peanut butter on the shelf next to it? Because what else do you do with the fluff?


Put it on bread with Nutella?


And then get your pancreatic function tested?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:37 AM on September 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

And then get your pancreatic function tested?

I refer to marshmallow fluff as "diabetes in a jar".
posted by Talez at 8:38 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I just checked and there are 35 KFCs in Ireland, or 1 for every 131,286 people, which doesn't seem like a lot. Most Irish people get their fried chicken in the form of a snack box from the local chip shop.
posted by kersplunk at 8:40 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

The blue Symphony Bar is where it's at.
posted by Iridic at 8:41 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Put it on bread with Nutella?

See, if you're going to use the Nutella you need the peanut butter, too. Fluffernutter, peanut butter and Nutella, or all three. Fluff and Nutella is all wrong.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:43 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Canada is pretty famous for its potato chips, but there are some flavours that are too extreme.

Y’all lost me with your pickle flavored chips, man.
posted by imnotasquirrel at 8:43 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

So LOLAmericans, especially LOLpoorAmericans, amirite?

No, I think you are totally wrong.

Anyway, much of the crap theses guys tried out is handed out at Halloween. Tootsie Rolls and Twizzlers were the last candy left in my pillowcase as November progressed.

Looking at my kids' pillowcases a few weeks after Halloween, they don't touch this crap either.

I did wonder if there are still people who drink Kool-Aid. I had it when I was a kid, but that was long long ago.
posted by Nevin at 8:51 AM on September 30, 2014

Y’all lost me with your pickle flavored chips, man.

Those are the best! Next to sour cream and cheddar cheese flavour, that is.
posted by Nevin at 8:52 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Lets not lie people, twinkies do taste like a slurry of chemicals in a styofoam cylinder.
posted by Ferreous at 8:53 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I mean: Hershey Bars. How did food science make chocolate taste bad?

Hershey chocolate contains butyric acid, that's how.

For those of you not up on your acids, that's literally the chemical that makes puke smell the way it does.
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:53 AM on September 30, 2014 [10 favorites]

A delicious, delicious slurry of chemicals in a styofoam cylinder.
posted by cthuljew at 8:53 AM on September 30, 2014

I miss Swedish Berries.

I was about to say something about there being a reason you cannot find "Swedish Berries" in the Swedish Wikipedia, but then I discovered that they were part of the same effort as Swedish Fish, both variations of common Swedish candy designed and manufactured for the US market in the late fifties by Malmö Lakritsfabrik (better known as Malaco). The original plant is long gone, so they're probably made in some generic no-name factory these days.
posted by effbot at 8:54 AM on September 30, 2014

I did wonder if there are still people who drink Kool-Aid.

It comes with some, shall we say, negative connotations these days.
posted by sobarel at 8:54 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Speaking as an American in Belfast, I can tell you that I have seen several KFCs.

I am always amused when I see "Marshmallow Fluff" prominently displayed in the American Foods sections of grocery stores here. I think I have eaten it fewer than half a dozen times in 30 years of living in the US.

There are also several speciality stores that sell nothing but American foods:
City Picnic
American Candy World (several locations)

The funny thing about the latter are the rows and rows of boxes of Lucky Charms. In (Northern) Ireland!

I do appreciate going to the City Picnic and getting sarsparilla and birch beer made with real cane sugar (also: Reese's PB cups. mmmmm).

On the other hand, I once bought something called "Sarsparilla" at a convenience store, made by Maine's (a Northern Ireland company) and it was just unbelievably foul. I couldn't imagine what they thought they were making, but it's nothing like sarsparilla or root beer.
posted by dhens at 8:55 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Why did they all bite down on Jolly Ranchers and then be surprised that these hard candies are, in fact, hard?
posted by jeather at 8:56 AM on September 30, 2014 [12 favorites]

It comes with some, shall we say, negative connotations these days.

Buying Apple products?
posted by Talez at 8:56 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Kool Aid reminds me of Sunny Delight. Of the latter, Adam Carolla (yeah, I know) once said that it could only be enjoyed by someone who has never tasted actual orange juice.
posted by dhens at 8:57 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Lets not lie people, twinkies do taste like a slurry of chemicals in a styofoam cylinder.

The cream tastes as though a committee of robots and silica-based life forms got together and tried to make a flavor from things that they understood as being food.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:58 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Man, now I really want a Zebra Cake.
posted by cthuljew at 9:01 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

One of these days I want to make s'mores with Cluizel Noir Infini 99%.

My most memorable smores were made using a chocolate fondue fountain, a cigarette lighter, various types of fancy cookies and a bag of marshmallows a friend smuggled into another friend's debutante party. We were about nineteen and shitfaced and though I don't totally remember the exact mechanics of the operation, I do know that we got a lot of "Good heavens, George, who let in the rabble?" looks from the socialites. The next morning I woke up to find that my party dress was basically covered with my own chocolate finger prints.
posted by thivaia at 9:01 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

I thought I liked Twinkies, and then I bought one at a rest stop a few years ago. I couldn't finish it.

I haven't attempted the same experiment with Hostess Pudding Pies, though. Please don't ruin those for me, too.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:01 AM on September 30, 2014

Am I incredibly stupid? I don't see a video on that page. Nothing appears to be blocked, but maybe ?
posted by peep at 9:02 AM on September 30, 2014

There's this great video of an adorable Irish guy eating Lucky Charms
posted by symbioid at 9:03 AM on September 30, 2014

The cream tastes as though a committee of robots and silica-based life forms got together and tried to make a flavor from things that they understood as being food.

The product development title for Twinkies was Human Ingestion Cylinder #23A.
posted by sobarel at 9:04 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

How did food science make chocolate taste bad?

We Americans have a gift. For instance, Tootsie Rolls are chocolatish-flavored window putty.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 9:05 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think I have eaten [fluff] fewer than half a dozen times in 30 years of living in the US.

As a Massachusetts resident, my guess as to why you've seen it so often in Belfast is this:

First, MA and RI are basically the epicenter of fluff consumption in the US (seriously, nothing tastes so much of childhood to me as a fluffernutter). Second, MA in particular is a huge destination for Irish immigrants to the US.

So, it's not that shocking to me that something so regionally specific to the US is seen as more universal in a country that's got a large number of familial ties to that region.
posted by tocts at 9:05 AM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

Nothing appears to be blocked, but maybe ?

It's at the very top of the article in an autoplaying video player that I can't seem to link directly to.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:06 AM on September 30, 2014

then as the chocolate is chewed it melts rapidly

Maybe this is why I hate aerated chocolate. I don't chew chocolate, I let it melt in my mouth. Aerated chocolate doesn't melt well on its own, and it tastes & feels waxy and stale to me.

And yeah I guess I'm having trouble with the autoplaying video. Boo.
posted by peep at 9:08 AM on September 30, 2014

Twinkies may be awful but you can pry those day-glo pink coconut-covered jam roll things from my cold dead fat hands.

Flakies used to be good but I had one a few months ago and euuuuurrrrrrrrrgh.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:08 AM on September 30, 2014

Peep, here's a YouTube link.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:09 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

Aerated chocolate doesn't melt well on its own

That's weird. For a while, the entire Aero marketing campaign was about letting it melt on your tongue.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:12 AM on September 30, 2014

Thank God Cadbury came to its senses and started making Flakes here so I no longer had to rely on relatives coming back from the UK or painfully overpriced import stores.

That's amazing news! I'll have to keep my eyes peeled.
posted by Harpocrates at 9:13 AM on September 30, 2014

I've been saying that those new Lays Cappucinno-flavored potato chips we have here in the US taste like the way the inside of a gas station smells. This seems like the right place to share that revelation.
posted by sockermom at 9:15 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Metafilter: This seems like the right place to share that revelation.
posted by dhens at 9:16 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

I used to hate Hershey Bars. I've had delicious budget English and Belgian chocolate and still try to get people visiting from across the pond to bring me some. I grew up eating Canadian Cadburys (good but not great and not as good as British Cadburys which sometimes come preloaded with salmonella for added excitement). I import Smarties from Canada because childhood.

But now that I have lived in the US for two years plus I find myself every now and then inexplicably craving a Hershey Bar. Seven years in England couldn't get me to adapt my palette to accommodate marmite, turkish delight or a multitude of other culinary atrocities but a couple of years in the US and boom I am wanting and occasionally eating pseudo-chocolate despite there being an abundance of relatively inexpensive imported options like Milka or Ritter.

I have no idea how this has happened.
posted by srboisvert at 9:19 AM on September 30, 2014

Twinkies are foul, but Oatmeal Creme Pies, on the other hand...

Intellectually I know what's in them is really just hydrogenated vegetable shortening and sugar, but damn if I don't care.
posted by Kadin2048 at 9:20 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

Seven years in England couldn't get me to adapt my palette to accommodate marmite

To be fair, Marmite isn't as good as Vegemite.
posted by Talez at 9:26 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Speaking as an American in Belfast, I can tell you that I have seen several KFCs.

As an expat who spent time in Birmingham, England I saw not only KFCs but Pakistani FC, Bengali FC, Bangla FC, Pak-Indo FC, Southern FC, Krunchy FC, Tasty FC, and on and on almost all copying KFC's look.

KFC knockoffs easily approach chip shop presence levels.
posted by srboisvert at 9:26 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Is Irish junk food any better or just different? There is some of it for sale at the Irish store locally where we buy the shoes my daughter wears for her step-dancing. I haven't had it yet (as imported stuff it is expensive), but I'm curious.
posted by Area Man at 9:28 AM on September 30, 2014

For true American junk food horror check out Doritos LOADED! (tm) a product they've been pushing at the 7-11. It's like a fried mozzarella stick, but instead of mozzarella, it's some kind of nacho cheese goo, and the breading is replaced by crumbled Dorito powder. I just can't even.

Some of it is the apocalyptic copy, but I still think that thing looks like Lavos.
posted by ignignokt at 9:35 AM on September 30, 2014

And people think Hawaiians put pineapple on pizza.

You know who liked pineapple pizza?
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:36 AM on September 30, 2014

I saw not only KFCs but Pakistani FC, Bengali FC, Bangla FC, Pak-Indo FC, Southern FC, Krunchy FC, Tasty FC, and on and on

Some of those may have been football clubs, though.
posted by effbot at 9:36 AM on September 30, 2014 [11 favorites]

then as the chocolate is chewed it melts rapidly

Maybe this is why I hate aerated chocolate. I don't chew chocolate, I let it melt in my mouth. Aerated chocolate doesn't melt well on its own, and it tastes & feels waxy and stale to me.

Yeah, I didn't quite understand that part...I don't really chew it either.
posted by malocchio at 9:38 AM on September 30, 2014

Some of those may have been football clubs, though.

Krunchy FC for the European Cup!
posted by Talez at 9:38 AM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

When we were making a care package of US food for our Scottish friends, the only request they made was for marshmallow fluff. I still don't know what they see in it.
posted by infinitewindow at 9:40 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

KFC knockoffs easily approach chip shop presence levels.

I love looking out for those, but nothing will ever beat Bertie Rooster Fried Chicken. I like to think that the person who came up with that name still occasionally thinks about it in a quiet moment and smiles in a deeply satisfied way.
posted by fight or flight at 9:45 AM on September 30, 2014 [10 favorites]

One of these days I want to make s'mores with Cluizel Noir Infini 99%.

My best friend's wife & daughters use single-servings of good chocolate -- like the 1"x1" Ghirardelli squares, and moving up the quality scale -- to make their s'mores. I am a traditionalist, but I can appreciate their high standards. :7)
posted by wenestvedt at 9:49 AM on September 30, 2014

I thought the reason that Hershey's tastes like butyric acid is because all the European chocolatiers flat out refused how to teach an upstart American how to make it properly, and so Hershey just kind of...made it up, in a way that would serve his mass production dreams. And Americans got used to the taste. (Maybe this is apocryphal? But it isn't listed in any Hershey bios, so I'm not sure where I heard it.)

I was eating some crappy mini-sized candybar one day, and I thought to myself "I can really taste the butyric acid, and it definitely is reminiscent of vomit. But I am super enjoying this candy bar. WEIRD."
posted by a fiendish thingy at 9:52 AM on September 30, 2014

Lays needs to get their shit together and bring some of their delicious international junk food to the US. Jamon flavor in Spain and Poulet Roti flavor in France? BEST POTATO CHIPS EVER.

Also, I'm from the US, but the UK has definitely got us beat in terms of junk food. SO! MANY! BISCUITS!
posted by archagon at 9:53 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

ZEBRA CAKES!
posted by symbioid at 10:04 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

re: Hersheys - iirc, wasn't it really a legacy issue? in the early days they couldn't guarantee/get fresh milk, and that flavour profile just stuck.

I completely forgot about how it tastes like and when my US colleagues were passing them around in the office... #regret
posted by cendawanita at 10:09 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I mean: Hershey Bars. How did food science make chocolate taste bad?

I quite often work for a company with offices on Broadway, near Times Square, so that puts us almost opposite the Hershey store. Someone went out one day and brought back a load of Hershey products… ugh… a granular texture and powdery surface. Didn’t taste too nice, either. But then, I didn’t think much of Ghirardelli’s either, when I was in SF.

Valrhona, on the other hand, is heavenly.
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 10:16 AM on September 30, 2014

Isn't marshmallow fluff the stuff you use to stick Rice Krispy bars together? Otherwise I have never eaten it. And my family was very enthusiastic about junk food.

Hershey bars taste great if they are the only chocolate you've ever had. Once you've had good chocolate (better than Cadbury's, which left me unimpressed) it just tastes of sadness.

They're ok in s'mores because everything tastes good when you're camping and they are blended with the other flavors.

I'm kind of grateful, though, because thanks to Hershey's dominance in the States, I don't gain 20 lbs at Halloween. I have one of those Krackel bars (my childhood favorite) as a ritual remembrance and then I'm good.
posted by emjaybee at 10:23 AM on September 30, 2014

Honestly eating Froot Loops without milk completely misses the boat. Washing everything down with the sugary, froot infused leftover milk at the end was always the best part.
posted by bitdamaged at 10:28 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Isn't marshmallow fluff the stuff you use to stick Rice Krispy bars together?

I grew up with Chocolate Crackles instead of Rice Krispy bars so we got Copha as a binding agent.
posted by Talez at 11:10 AM on September 30, 2014

Isn't marshmallow fluff the stuff you use to stick Rice Krispy bars together?

You can do that with just plain marshmallow. Marshmallow fluff is like marshmallow melted and thinned out into a spread, in a jar, that people in New England like to eat off bread, because people in New England are crazy.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:16 PM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Huh, I always thought fluff was a midwestern delight.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:19 PM on September 30, 2014

goysiche mishegoss either way really
posted by poffin boffin at 12:19 PM on September 30, 2014 [7 favorites]

Tip: next time you have a s'mores event, include a bag of Hershey's Miniatures. A s'more made with two Special Darks or two Krackles is a thing of beauty.

There should be more Little Debbie involved in these taste tests. Swiss Roll, man. Oatmeal Creme Pie. Those brownies that were denser than dark matter topped with incredibly salty nuts.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:53 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Aha, my mom didn't use Fluff but the Kraft equivalent to stick the Rice Krispies together.

I believe she also used it to make divinity candy, which I hated.

I don't know if it ever occurred to any of us to put it on bread.
posted by emjaybee at 1:01 PM on September 30, 2014

Have they stopped selling Jolly Ranchers in Ireland , because from what I can remember you could buy them anywhere sweets/candy were sold years before I moved to the US (over 7 years ago). I have a hard time believing these folks have never seen/tasted Jolly Ranchers before.

I still have yet to taste a twinkie or tootsie roll though.
posted by TwoWordReview at 1:04 PM on September 30, 2014

a) Fluff is for making horrifying/delicious 'fudge'
b) a Ho-Ho/Swiss Roll vs Cadbury Mini Roll taste-off would be good
c) I was very old before I was aware that Tootsie Rolls were supposed to be some sort of chocolate flavor
posted by you must supply a verb at 1:05 PM on September 30, 2014

Have they stopped selling Jolly Ranchers in Ireland , because from what I can remember you could buy them anywhere sweets/candy were sold years before I moved to the US (over 7 years ago). I have a hard time believing these folks have never seen/tasted Jolly Ranchers before.

Considering that they almost all bit on them and then complained that it hurt their teeth, it seems possible that they've never encountered hard candy before.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:15 PM on September 30, 2014

I still have yet to taste a twinkie or tootsie roll though.

Tootsie Rolls are supposed to taste like cocoa apparently, but to me they're like Dr. Pepper or kyphi incense -- hinting vaguely at all kinds of complex things without really resembling anything in particular and without actually being good or bad.
posted by Foosnark at 1:37 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Have you all not had Jolly Ranchers? They're not like other hard candies, which break or flake if you bite them. Jolly Ranchers are a sort of sugary tar pit trap: first you discover that you can sink your teeth into them, then you realize you can't get them back out. The sound you hear is not the candy breaking, but the tooth breaking free of the candy, by means of all kinds of nasty lateral and upward stress on the root.

I left a molar that I didn't know was loose in a Jolly Rancher in junior high school, and had to suck at the tooth-candy combo for some time to get it back for under-pillow purposes.
posted by darksasami at 1:38 PM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

Anyone remember Bonkers?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:46 PM on September 30, 2014

To be fair, Marmite isn't as good as Vegemite.

That's like saying a curb stomp isn't as good as a kick to the balls with a glass shard encrusted hobnail boot.
posted by stenseng at 2:12 PM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

They're not like other hard candies, which break or flake if you bite them.

What hard candy does this? Who bites hard candy??
posted by peep at 2:16 PM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Came in here to say Cadbury's Rich Tea Biscuits rule me hard.
posted by Jubal Kessler at 2:19 PM on September 30, 2014

Huh, I always thought fluff was a midwestern delight.

Nope, it was invented in Somerville, Massachusetts. 2014 marked the 9th year they've held the "What the Fluff" festival (good times! and yes, I do have a shirt and magnet from going a few years back because duh, fluff is amazing!)
posted by tocts at 2:20 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Chocolate digestives > Hob Nobs > Rich Tea
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:22 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

What hard candy does this? Who bites hard candy??

a) boiled sweets, hard mints etc, which are the equivalent of 'hard candy' here, and b) i do because it feels so goddamned good. crunch crunch crunch
posted by forgetful snow at 2:23 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

That's like saying a curb stomp isn't as good as a kick to the balls with a glass shard encrusted hobnail boot.

Oh come on. The stuff is about as close as you can get to glutamate in a jar. It's absolutely delicious.
posted by Talez at 2:23 PM on September 30, 2014

Really, it's not.
posted by stenseng at 2:31 PM on September 30, 2014

"It looks like poo," said the lovely Irish lady. She wins.

I always hated getting those in Halloween candy for the very same reason.
posted by Lynsey at 2:56 PM on September 30, 2014

This report from IRC is as yet unverified:

[14:44:05] headphonehalo: A type of candy is being slightly modified.
[14:44:05] headphonehalo: OUTRAGE
[14:44:06] headphonehalo: It's basically a big box of chocolates.
[14:44:06] headphonehalo: And they're changing two of the types of chocolate in it.
[14:44:06] headphonehalo: One of the best kinds as well as one of the worst.
[14:44:08] headphonehalo: So people are conflicted about how to feel.
[14:44:10] headphonehalo: Nonetheless every single Swede is talking about it right now. It's serious fucking business.
[14:44:13] headphonehalo: This is what counts as news in Sweden.
posted by Evilspork at 2:58 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

It is an appalling culinary violation rendered even more heinous because my friend's husband used empty vegemite jars to bottle up his delectable homemade mushroom pate which I ate without any explanations believing it to be Vegemite.

imagine the depths of my horror upon eating real vegemite

imagine it if you dare
posted by poffin boffin at 2:59 PM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

You haven't really reached the even shallowest junk food abuse if you don't break out Captain Crunch.

Kool Aid's sugar is mostly shocking as it is sitting in front of you in a massed pile. Google's quick math says there's about 87% as much sugar (33g/12oz vs 37.5g/12oz) in soda. Also it works (marginally) as hair coloring, so there's that.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 4:01 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

When I was younger and my husband wanted to bless me after work, he would bring me a Hershey bar. Our name for it was "Standard bunny treat. (tm)".

After this thread, I am seriously rethinking that.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:16 PM on September 30, 2014

These aren't poor people snacks. They're quintessential Middle America snacks.
posted by shivohum at 3:44 PM on September 30

And that's your problem, America.

Seriously, the first time I saw one of the (in)famous Twinkies I thought "But... isn't America a wealthy world leader of a country? And yet they eat this shit instead of actual proper cake?" Don't even get me started on what passes for breakfast cereal over there. Every time I walk past that section of the store I hold my breath so I don't get diabetes.
posted by Decani at 10:28 PM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

There should be more Little Debbie involved in these taste tests. Swiss Roll, man. Oatmeal Creme Pie. Those brownies that were denser than dark matter topped with incredibly salty nuts.

Nutty Bars. I could live on Nutty Bars. Not for long, but I'd die happy.
posted by rifflesby at 12:52 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]

This report from IRC is as yet unverified

Yeah, that happened. A box of assorted pralines that's been around since 1939 and is one of those things that every Swedish household buys once per year. They replace a couple of the pralines every few years, and everyone talks about it for roughly 15 minutes, and never agrees on which praline they would have preferred to get rid of instead.

(this year, it probably got a bit more exposure than usual since it followed immediately after a minor "the PC Police is Ruining my Childhood" twitter/facebook storm after some edits to a 50-year old Pippi Longstocking movie, and everyone just needed a harmless distraction from the usual idiots on the internet.)
posted by effbot at 3:18 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

"So, the premise of this is that we're being lectured on the poor quality of our junk food by a country whose basic approach to cuisine is to fry and/or boil everything?"


Never was a truer word said.
posted by Damienmce at 6:17 AM on October 1, 2014

Holding out for "Americans try Heinz beans for the first time".
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 6:43 AM on October 1, 2014

MetaFilter: a harmless distraction from the usual idiots on the internet.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:45 AM on October 1, 2014

"So, the premise of this is that we're being lectured on the poor quality of our junk food by a country whose basic approach to cuisine is to fry and/or boil everything?"


Never was a truer word said.

As if the basic American approach isn't to fry everything? And add sugar to it?

Call me when you've had boxty, or soda bread, or Yellow Man, or anything the Irish do with salmon, or colcannon, or a full Irish breakfast.

Sure, some Irish cuisine is regrettable. So's a lot of day-to-day American cuisine. Or French, for that matter. This constant shitting on cuisine from those islands is crass xenophobic nonsense of the worst sort. It's ignorant and sad and deeply insulting.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:14 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]

The constant shitting on cuisine from anywhere is crass xenophobic nonsense.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 7:30 AM on October 1, 2014

As if the basic American approach isn't to fry everything? And add sugar to it?

I think the basic American approach in the last 50 years has been "open a box" and "reheat it." The convenience food craze seems to have done lasting and maybe permanent damage to home cooking. Hell, I'm in my 30s and I can think of only one other family we know who cooks from some reasonable definition of scratch with any kind of regularity (I will concede that this could be a geographic/class thing).

(Honestly, I'm not sure what you'd even call "American cuisine" without delving into highfalutin stuff that really wouldn't be typical; I suppose you'd look at the American adaptations of adopted dishes, like spaghetti and meatballs, pizza, or tex-mex.)
posted by uncleozzy at 8:10 AM on October 1, 2014

I'm not sure what you'd even call "American cuisine"

Succotash
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 8:40 AM on October 1, 2014

American food is a spectrum.

All cuisine is. That's more or less my point. If it seems like I was shitting on American food, I wasn't, I was pointing out only that complaining about Ireland's food being fried or boiled is kind of a glass house moment. Not that American cuisine is bad.

Can't really complain about a cuisine that gave us corn dogs and hush puppies because... goddammit now I want hush puppies.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:50 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Honestly, I'm not sure what you'd even call "American cuisine" without delving into highfalutin stuff that really wouldn't be typical; I suppose you'd look at the American adaptations of adopted dishes, like spaghetti and meatballs, pizza, or tex-mex.

I'd consider the hamburger pretty definitively American cuisine. Potato salad. Collard greens. Hush puppies--actually all of Southern cooking, really. Casseroles (yes there are casseroles all over the world) are almost a cuisine in and of themselves. Hot dogs. Pizza, arguably; as it's eaten in America (except for the highfalutin places you mention) it's so far from Neapolitan that it's basically its own thing.

You could argue that most of American cuisine is reinterpretations of other cuisines, filtered through a melting pot, and I'd kind of buy it but mostly not, but Southern cuisine for the most part developed organically out of what was available locally. There's also a fairly specific West Coast cuisine that doesn't borrow much from elsewhere. Not talking about Mexican reimaginings, I mean the uses of citrus and avocado and what we'd usually think of with regards to Californian. Which, as I think on it, is a fusion/syncretic kind of thing that manages to draw on a bunch of influences while being something that is wholly its own.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:58 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

how the fuck could I forget barbecue
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:05 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

... which is also typically Southern. Coming from the northeast, it seems like most of what's eaten at home is Americanized Southern Italian food, meat-and-potatoes, and characterless convenience food. It's easy to forget that there's a lot of America out there that does have its own cuisine.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:12 AM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Coming from the northeast, it seems like most of what's eaten at home is Americanized Southern Italian food, meat-and-potatoes, and characterless convenience food

How about the now ubiquitous throughout America with an origin in the northeast, turkey with cranberry sauce?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:53 PM on October 1, 2014

If it seems like I was shitting on American food, I wasn't, I was pointing out only that complaining about Ireland's food being fried or boiled is kind of a glass house moment.

Actually, I'm Irish-American and one of my best friends is Irish - and I was chalking that "they boil everything" up to more of an affectionate dig rather than an all-on slag. Just like this video.

So a fair point that "everyone has cuisine that sucks", but unless anyone's been seething quietly, I don't think anyone was offended in the first place (if anyone out there was offended, my apologies).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:08 PM on October 1, 2014

The trick with milk chocolate apparently is getting enough of the water out of the milk so that it will emulsify with the cocoa smoothly.

Some combination of reduced pressure and gentle heating can do it, but I think the deal was that Hershey couldn't quite pull it off and ended up using more heat to drive enough water off, and that ended up breaking the milk down a little bit.

Nestlé was already condensing milk and so when he got together with someone trying to make milk chocolate, they were able to pull it off without harshing on the milk quite so much.
posted by one weird trick at 5:19 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Just as an FYI while we're on the general topic: the wasabi ginger "limited edition" Lay's potato chips are seriously delicious and I scarfed down an unseemly amount of them since discovering them at Walgreen's a few weeks ago.
posted by TwoStride at 5:34 PM on October 1, 2014

The simple reason Hershey's bars taste bad is exactly the same reason they aren't allowed to be sold as chocolate in most parts of the world - they don't contain cocoa butter, so they're basically just cocoa and sugar in wax(*).

(* - OK, I know the binder isn't wax, but it tastes like wax.)
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 7:46 AM on October 3, 2014

they don't contain cocoa butter

I'm not going to defend Hershey bars, because they suck, but this isn't true. I think they changed some of the products over to vegetable oil a few years back, but the basic Hershey bar has always been real milk chocolate (and the FDA wouldn't let them call it "chocolate" otherwise; curiously, the EU allows up to 5% other fats in products labeled "chocolate").
posted by uncleozzy at 8:00 AM on October 3, 2014

uncleozzy: looked it up, you are exactly right - a Hershey bar does have cocoa butter, other products do not. My bad!
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 8:02 AM on October 3, 2014

My 21 year old brother, 18 year old sister and myself were in the USA for the first time recently and the first night we were there we went and found some open all night convenience store and bought an enormous sackful of junk food of all the varieties we'd read about and seen on tv and never tried.

We got back to our hotel and poured it on the bed, and spent the next week gleefully consuming nothing but sugar and artificial cheese flavour. Actually I think the artificially cheese flavoured things might have had sugar in them too,

Yeah, some of it tasted like a doctors office. And some of it was too blue to be nutritious. And the peanut butter flavoured cereal was covered in some sort of white powder that made us eat it by the handful until we feel queasy. But that was the fun of it. We should totally have made a video.
posted by lollusc at 4:40 AM on October 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

After reading this thread, I went out and bought Red Vines and Ghiradelli 60%. I had a few bites of both kinds and the remainder is going in the garbage. The inside of my mouth feels burnt somehow.
posted by at the crossroads at 6:28 AM on October 6, 2014