Scroguard
November 3, 2014 12:08 PM Subscribe
Advertisement for Scroguard sexual product (SLYT, 1m35s)
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- frimble
You can also put on Scroguard (TM) hours before the main event... so you can avoid awkward interruptions!But perhaps not awkward questions.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:32 PM on November 3, 2014 [12 favorites]
Interestingly it also fits most standard vacuum cleaner attachments.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:36 PM on November 3, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:36 PM on November 3, 2014 [11 favorites]
I want you to know, I practice safe sex.
posted by rouftop at 12:48 PM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by rouftop at 12:48 PM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
For the locked out and disappointed:
The video on Youtube is "age-restricted" and requires a Google login. The embed on the Scroguard website doesn't.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:53 PM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
The video on Youtube is "age-restricted" and requires a Google login. The embed on the Scroguard website doesn't.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:53 PM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
For the locked out and disappointed:
You are not missing much, it looks like a very low budget version of the tiawanese tv company's stuff.
posted by marienbad at 12:59 PM on November 3, 2014
You are not missing much, it looks like a very low budget version of the tiawanese tv company's stuff.
posted by marienbad at 12:59 PM on November 3, 2014
It's disposable and washable!
Yeah, I'm sure a quick rinse in the sink is gonna kill those viruses, and that this thing isn't going to be crawling with them after several reuses, spreading them worse than ever...
posted by Sys Rq at 1:01 PM on November 3, 2014
Yeah, I'm sure a quick rinse in the sink is gonna kill those viruses, and that this thing isn't going to be crawling with them after several reuses, spreading them worse than ever...
posted by Sys Rq at 1:01 PM on November 3, 2014
Nothing says venereal disease like a stiff, hairless, sterile 3D model from 1997 with no genitals.
posted by mr.ersatz at 1:04 PM on November 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by mr.ersatz at 1:04 PM on November 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
NSFW tag please!
posted by furtive at 1:11 PM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by furtive at 1:11 PM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
But does it cover the scro?
posted by Think_Long at 1:17 PM on November 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Think_Long at 1:17 PM on November 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
Pepsi Batshitinsane
I'm disturbed by the not-anatomically-correct models used to advertise this thing. Perhaps the real target market for this product is Ken doll fetishists?
posted by Nelson at 1:18 PM on November 3, 2014
I'm disturbed by the not-anatomically-correct models used to advertise this thing. Perhaps the real target market for this product is Ken doll fetishists?
posted by Nelson at 1:18 PM on November 3, 2014
I thought Scroguard was a small town in South Wales. Oh, how wrong I was.
posted by alexordave at 1:18 PM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by alexordave at 1:18 PM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Anyone else having Foodfight flashbacks?
posted by benito.strauss at 1:27 PM on November 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by benito.strauss at 1:27 PM on November 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
Nothing says venereal disease like a stiff, hairless, sterile 3D model from 1997 with no genitals.
There wasn't much that was hairless in 1997.
posted by Dip Flash at 1:34 PM on November 3, 2014
There wasn't much that was hairless in 1997.
posted by Dip Flash at 1:34 PM on November 3, 2014
Anyone else having Foodfight flashbacks?
Oh god, I hope not. Nobody should have to watch that thing, let alone remember it.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 1:47 PM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh god, I hope not. Nobody should have to watch that thing, let alone remember it.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 1:47 PM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Clearly, this is another fine product from Cinco Industries. Thanks, Cinco!
posted by Schadenfreude at 1:58 PM on November 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Schadenfreude at 1:58 PM on November 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
It seems like payment for this should only be accepted in Linden dollars.
Also, was "Crotchguard" already taken, or were they advised that 3M might sue them?
posted by chambers at 2:07 PM on November 3, 2014
Also, was "Crotchguard" already taken, or were they advised that 3M might sue them?
posted by chambers at 2:07 PM on November 3, 2014
it rhymes it rhymes oh god
posted by you must supply a verb at 2:08 PM on November 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by you must supply a verb at 2:08 PM on November 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
NSFW tag please!
"scrotumblue" should, er, cover it, no?
posted by sageleaf at 2:20 PM on November 3, 2014
"scrotumblue" should, er, cover it, no?
posted by sageleaf at 2:20 PM on November 3, 2014
if your scrotum has been blue for over 4 hours please consult your doctor immediately
posted by poffin boffin at 2:23 PM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 2:23 PM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
So many thoughts. Wearing it, sweatily, for hours in advance. What your partner's response would be to the surprise of latex underpants with a penis hole. Just how awkward that interruption would be. How any hair anywhere would be caught and pulled. What this could possibly prevent, especially with the wash-and-reuse scenario.
posted by gingerest at 2:33 PM on November 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by gingerest at 2:33 PM on November 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
no
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 2:50 PM on November 3, 2014
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 2:50 PM on November 3, 2014
There wasn't much that was hairless in 1997
I beg to differ. Gay porn was a sea of shiny shaved twinkie nightmares in 1997 (in keeping with the horror standard set by the atrocious eighties). I've been making sacrifices to the mighty Baal for decades to get bush back, to say nothing of balls that look like balls are supposed to look instead of like some sort of ostrich leather coin purse.
posted by sonascope at 3:06 PM on November 3, 2014 [19 favorites]
I beg to differ. Gay porn was a sea of shiny shaved twinkie nightmares in 1997 (in keeping with the horror standard set by the atrocious eighties). I've been making sacrifices to the mighty Baal for decades to get bush back, to say nothing of balls that look like balls are supposed to look instead of like some sort of ostrich leather coin purse.
posted by sonascope at 3:06 PM on November 3, 2014 [19 favorites]
So is this really a real thing? I still can't work it out. It can't possibly be a real thing, can it?
posted by Philby at 3:15 PM on November 3, 2014
posted by Philby at 3:15 PM on November 3, 2014
They might make more money off the t-shirts. The creators of the Scroguard could be playing nth-dimensional chess with a mastery of multi-layered irony.
posted by zeek321 at 4:15 PM on November 3, 2014
posted by zeek321 at 4:15 PM on November 3, 2014
So that's what happened to Lawnmower Man...
posted by grumpybear69 at 5:20 PM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by grumpybear69 at 5:20 PM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Anyone else having Foodfight flashbacks?
WEEP
GENITAL AREA
posted by louche mustachio at 5:50 PM on November 3, 2014
WEEP
GENITAL AREA
posted by louche mustachio at 5:50 PM on November 3, 2014
I would buy this in a heartbeat if they carried the joke through to having fully realized packaging with display graphics and instruction manuals and manufacturer's rebates and cross-promotions for other kooky shit, but because my search for "scroguard unboxing" came up with nada it's too expensive for what would likely turn out to be a poorly realized gag.
Also it's "sold out" (according to other YouTube reaction vids) so I'm pretty sure the product itself doesn't exist.
posted by books for weapons at 6:58 PM on November 3, 2014
Also it's "sold out" (according to other YouTube reaction vids) so I'm pretty sure the product itself doesn't exist.
posted by books for weapons at 6:58 PM on November 3, 2014
Some excellent questions from the FAQ...
What does Scroguard™ smell like?
My Scroguard™ arrived a bit sticky. Is this normal?
Who are Scroguard™’s competitors?
posted by orme at 7:07 PM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
What does Scroguard™ smell like?
My Scroguard™ arrived a bit sticky. Is this normal?
Who are Scroguard™’s competitors?
posted by orme at 7:07 PM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Whomever made this video was probably huffing "Crotchguard".
posted by Catblack at 7:08 PM on November 3, 2014
posted by Catblack at 7:08 PM on November 3, 2014
This looks almost exactly like a latex strapon harness. I'll let you Google that on your own.
posted by desjardins at 7:38 PM on November 3, 2014
posted by desjardins at 7:38 PM on November 3, 2014
if nothing else I hope that this catapults the usage of "scro" as a slang term for "scrotum" into the mainstream
posted by invitapriore at 7:46 PM on November 3, 2014
posted by invitapriore at 7:46 PM on November 3, 2014
WHO LOVES SCROGUARD
* Men with a high sex drive who enjoy sexual variety
* Couples and individuals who love to swing
* Casual sex partners and committed couples who want peace of mind
* Jeremiah Q. Hooverdick (legal AND birth name)
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:54 PM on November 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
* Men with a high sex drive who enjoy sexual variety
* Couples and individuals who love to swing
* Casual sex partners and committed couples who want peace of mind
* Jeremiah Q. Hooverdick (legal AND birth name)
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:54 PM on November 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
From the comments:
If you farted while wearing it the gasses would come out the dick chute
WELP
posted by louche mustachio at 8:05 PM on November 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
If you farted while wearing it the gasses would come out the dick chute
WELP
posted by louche mustachio at 8:05 PM on November 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
And what if you and/or your partner decides it's time for a little assplay? What then? HUH?!?!?!
posted by Samizdata at 8:33 PM on November 3, 2014
posted by Samizdata at 8:33 PM on November 3, 2014
Have you seen the product reviews? They're almost as good as the infomercial.
"A couple of years after I became active in the H community, I dated a guy who had one of the most severe cases of OCD I have personally seen. While he had been diagnosed with both HSV and HPV, and posed a much greater threat to me, than I did to him, he still acted like sex was a monumental risk to him. I had not realized his “phobia” of sex until we had dated for a while and the relationship took a natural, intimate turn.
The first time we were intimate, he acted like I had the plague and that his only objective was for him to get in, get off and get in the shower. I kid you not!
...
When I received a Scroguard in the mail, as a review sample, my thoughts immediately turned to that boyfriend from SO long ago."
posted by sciatrix at 8:40 PM on November 3, 2014
"A couple of years after I became active in the H community, I dated a guy who had one of the most severe cases of OCD I have personally seen. While he had been diagnosed with both HSV and HPV, and posed a much greater threat to me, than I did to him, he still acted like sex was a monumental risk to him. I had not realized his “phobia” of sex until we had dated for a while and the relationship took a natural, intimate turn.
The first time we were intimate, he acted like I had the plague and that his only objective was for him to get in, get off and get in the shower. I kid you not!
...
When I received a Scroguard in the mail, as a review sample, my thoughts immediately turned to that boyfriend from SO long ago."
posted by sciatrix at 8:40 PM on November 3, 2014
this reminds me of the recent question about keeping hand sanitizer next to the bed for sexy times
posted by desjardins at 9:07 PM on November 3, 2014
posted by desjardins at 9:07 PM on November 3, 2014
If you really wanted to be sure that the untrustworthy person you're for some reason having intimate carnal knowledge of won't inflict any of their bodily flora and ejecta upon you, you'd do like I do and fully rhino-line your entire body.
Also if you wore it backwards it would make a sort of poop nozzle / crap fountain.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:52 PM on November 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
Also if you wore it backwards it would make a sort of poop nozzle / crap fountain.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:52 PM on November 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
Well, thanks for that mental image. I guess I'll forgo my midnight snack and just go to bed.
posted by desjardins at 10:07 PM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 10:07 PM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
This will be a perfect stocking stuffer for Christmas.
posted by homunculus at 11:23 PM on November 3, 2014
posted by homunculus at 11:23 PM on November 3, 2014
If I saw someone drop their clothes and expose this, I would run for the door!
posted by greenhornet at 12:46 AM on November 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by greenhornet at 12:46 AM on November 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
FINALLY.
posted by buriednexttoyou at 1:17 AM on November 4, 2014
posted by buriednexttoyou at 1:17 AM on November 4, 2014
you know, when plastic woman pulled the pants off plastic man to reveal the scro-thing, my mind just went into overdrive imagining the dialogue there.
I mean, I would start laughing hysterical nervous laughter, but just imagine what Dorothy Parker might say.
posted by angrycat at 5:42 AM on November 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I mean, I would start laughing hysterical nervous laughter, but just imagine what Dorothy Parker might say.
posted by angrycat at 5:42 AM on November 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
"What fresh scro is this?" *GROWL*
posted by Think_Long at 8:12 AM on November 4, 2014
posted by Think_Long at 8:12 AM on November 4, 2014
It needs to have a port on the back for anal sex. Then you could get groups of people going and form human scrotipedes.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:20 AM on November 4, 2014
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:20 AM on November 4, 2014
TMNL - you're supposed to change the Dorothy Parker quote from the original, not just copy and paste.
posted by Think_Long at 8:22 AM on November 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Think_Long at 8:22 AM on November 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
How long before the fetishwear community co-opts this amazing and allegedly herpes-preventing device?
What's that? They already have? Oh, good for them!
posted by ostranenie at 6:54 PM on November 5, 2014
What's that? They already have? Oh, good for them!
posted by ostranenie at 6:54 PM on November 5, 2014
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posted by Catblack at 12:27 PM on November 3, 2014 [6 favorites]