Snip Snip goes the vasectomy

November 20, 2014 2:10 PM

The Amazing True Story Of My Exploding Balls
posted by Brandon Blatcher (71 comments total)

COME CUT MY BALLZ
posted by Mister_A at 2:16 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Every single man who I know who has had a vasectomy just loves, loves to talk about his experience. Most of them are about as clever as this guy.
posted by Nelson at 2:19 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]

NOT CLICKING
posted by brundlefly at 2:22 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]

His balls never actually exploded. I am disappointed.

Also, I won't talk to you about my vasectomy.
posted by GuyZero at 2:24 PM on November 20, 2014 [9 favorites]

I can confirm that if you have kids you will get kicked in the balls a lot.
posted by Artw at 2:25 PM on November 20, 2014 [4 favorites]

Came for exploding balls, was disappointed.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:25 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]

I thought it was funny, the first few paragraphs especially.
posted by Mister_A at 2:25 PM on November 20, 2014

Yeah, raising kids is just a never-ending ball-stomping nightmare pretty much.
posted by Mister_A at 2:26 PM on November 20, 2014

Is this where we share our vasectomy stories? Good, here goes. This one is for Nelson

Okay, first a vasectomy is about the easiest procedure on earth, anyone that says different is lying. But just because it's easy, doesn't mean it's not hilarious.

First you've got the ball shaving part, which I got shit for not doing well enough, yeah, no kidding, I'M TERRIBLE AT SHAVING MY TESTICLES.

Lay down, get my penis clipped to my shirt with a fucking elastic band, which was the single most humiliating thing ever. Doctor comes in. Asks me what I want to listen to and hands me his collection of CD's. Uhhh, there's no music that goes well with a vasectomy, I'd guess Chris Deburgh and the Lady in Red especially so, so no I don't want to listen to any of these, but thanks for the offer. He states if I relinquish my pick, he gets to pick and chooses Sade.

I signed up for a no needle no scalpel vasectomy. Because I`m dumb and fell for the advertising weasel words, not bothering to think they still need ingress into your body, and a scalpel is the best possible way, certainly better than the scrotum/cigar cutter device I got.

Anyway snip snip, stitch stitch. Your are done. It's the simplest procedure on earth, I've offered to do it for any of my friend, they save some cash, I add unlicensed vasectomies to my resume. No one has taken me up on it.
posted by Keith Talent at 2:35 PM on November 20, 2014 [11 favorites]

And the balls are just sitting there like a couple of jokey sidekicks. Yeah, cock! Let's go get 'em!

I'll bet this guy makes shadow puppets with his balls. Hey look at me! I'm the Thanksgiving turkey! Gobble gobble gobble!
posted by octobersurprise at 2:41 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]

I drove to the doc (SPEED BUMPS OH GOD).

Ow!

> the scrotum/cigar cutter device I got.

Say what now? And...

I add unlicensed vasectomies to my resume.
posted by Keith Talent

Really?
posted by RedOrGreen at 2:41 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

As ever I note that Americans are bizarrely wussy about condoms.
posted by Artw at 2:42 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]

I, too, came for the scrotum explosion and was disappointed.

It's just a tale of a reproductive organ swelling up with a little blood for a week causing pain and discomfort, the use of temperature to make him feel better, with him walking gingerly around in the meantime.

Oh, and he gets to hear an endless stream of jokes around it. From a guy.
posted by barchan at 3:01 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

I believe the proper response re: condoms is "That's because your mother hates it when I wear them."
posted by mr. digits at 3:02 PM on November 20, 2014 [21 favorites]

My husband whined for about a minute after his. I handed him a beer and a jockstrap with a frozen gel pack in, and said "Eight and a half pound babies, no drugs." He shut up, drank his beer, and sat on the couch for a couple days with his ball-chiller on, drinking beer and watching TV. He was back to rough-housing with the Monsters in 3 days, and that was that.

Contrast with some friends who've been snipped and are still whining about it years later. You'd think they'd been subjected to a days-long procedure with a dull and rusty knife and still haven't recovered, instead of ten minutes in the office and a couple days of sitting on frozen peas.
posted by MissySedai at 3:08 PM on November 20, 2014 [12 favorites]

"We aren't gonna eat those peas. We gotta get new peas."

You really do, dude. No dinner parties until all frozen veg bags have been replaced, please.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 3:26 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]

To be fair to your friends, the recovery process can vary widely. Some people are fine in a few days, for others it takes weeks or months. A small percentage of people end up with chronic pain or other complications. You can find all sorts of horror stories if you look around on the web for them.
posted by Balna Watya at 3:33 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]

The "no cut" vasectomy device was described to me more like a hole punch rather than a cigar cutter. Not sure if that's an improvement.
posted by GuyZero at 3:36 PM on November 20, 2014

I'll bet this guy makes shadow puppets with his balls

Who (among those who have a pair of balls at their beck and call) doesn't?
posted by aspo at 3:40 PM on November 20, 2014

I think that the self ball shaving is enough to keep me away from getting this done.
posted by octothorpe at 3:47 PM on November 20, 2014

There was a Urologist in the Army Medical Corp back in the '70's who specialty was vasectomies, his name was Dr. Buck.

That's all I have..
posted by HuronBob at 3:48 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'll bet this guy makes shadow puppets with his balls.

No, that's this guy.
posted by neckro23 at 3:51 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]

Never had a vasectomy, but did have a hemotoma in my ball sack. I play(ed) ice hockey without a cup. It just was to restricting or I sucked at skating or something. Played for at least 7 years before "the incident". Was playing defense. Was skating backwards, or more accurately, trying to skate backwards. As I got to my own blue line, I tripped over it falling backwards to my butt. At that very instance the guy on the other team with the puck wound up and shot. My legs were open and the shot hit directly into my left nut.

I know giving birth is a pain that is in its own category. I can tell you getting hit with a hockey puck directly into your left nut is in its own category, maybe one notch below child birth. It started swelling immediately. I thought I had busted the nut. I really thought I was going to die. I wasn't sure what the coroner would write on the report, but death by busted nut was what I would have written.

I refused the offer of calling an ambulance, but it took about 15 minutes before I could actually get out of the fetal position and sit up. Then another 5 minutes to get me to my feet (skates) and off the ice. My teammate had to undress me. I was reduced to a babbling 4 year old. I got my clothes on eventually and was helped to my car. It was in Chicago in the winter. It was snowing. I had to drive 18 miles to home. As I was driving up Lake Shore Drive, I hit a bump and the pain almost caused me to black out. I pulled off to Northwestern Hospital.

I walked into the emergency room. The nurse at the desk looked at me and said I looked like I was in distress, but there was no sign of trauma. I told her that it was my nuts. She immediately put me in a room and the intern came by. I spent the next 30 minutes with my nuts hanging out while various doctors, nurses and maybe even the night cleaning crew came to look at the swelling and bruising.

Called in sick the next day. Explaining to my partner that I could not come in because my balls hurt and were swollen 3x their size was hard enough, but him being the clueless perve he is, he legitimately offered to hire a hooker to help me with my blue balls.

Had three kids after that so alls well that ends well.
posted by 724A at 3:54 PM on November 20, 2014 [23 favorites]

Wow. Not to be too mean, but that author is a little wimp. I have had a hydrocelectomy and almost on a dare, mostly because of a suggestion from a girl, I got one of these piercings(NSFW). The surgery, piece of cake. Gas, anesthesia, painkillers, soreness for 3-4 days. The piercing... a month of soreness and special washing, and some special care with partners.

I'm not a glutton for pain, and I haven't gotten that many piercings or tattoos in my life. I'm about to get a vasectomy, and I am not worried. Is asking about others' experiences more of an AskMe thing?
posted by Snowishberlin at 3:59 PM on November 20, 2014

At UCSF you get your vasectomy at the fertility part of the women's health center.

Awkward.

Otherwise it went fine.

Let it be noted that on planet poe everyone talks about the oddness of bodies a lot more. That includes the menstrual cycle, bowel movements, boogers, everything. I think that the extraordinary bashfulness people have about this stuff does a lot more damage than good. Also, a lot of it is totally hilarious.
posted by poe at 3:59 PM on November 20, 2014 [6 favorites]

Dickzone?
posted by TypographicalError at 4:11 PM on November 20, 2014

Sometimes the procedure is fast. Sometimes, if one of the little bastards has some fight and is adept at dodging a doctor's skilled hands, it can take quite a bit longer.
posted by jpe at 4:28 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Testicles respond to temperature and contact unpredictably, sometimes lazily sometimes with alacrity. Shaving them is like trying to shave a giant nervous convoluted scared amoeba which has a direct connection to your central nervous system.
posted by vapidave at 4:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [17 favorites]

I have an anal fissure (still) and it is like giving birth every single day, so you all lose. Probably when I go in for the procedure charmingly known as the "four finger stretch" or "violent anal dilation" I will have them pull a bunch of other stuff out, like my appendix and baby-globules. Just knock it all over in one bout of unconsciousness and get all of the rest of my life's pain condensed into a single six week period.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:40 PM on November 20, 2014

Pre-modern alternatives to vasectomies include cutting a hole into the urethra at the base of the penis and inserting a small pottery plug that seals off the outside but leaves the urethra clear. In normal life, you leave the plug in for urination, but take it out before congress so that the ejaculate takes the short path to the outside world.

Another is a yogic technique which involves muscle control so that one ejaculates into one's own bladder instead of via the normal route. Once mastered, this can be almost automatic - to the point, apparently, that it's hard not to do it when one wishes to effect conception.

I have no references for these. Both, i've read about at some point in my life and - for some reason - they stuck.

Or, perhaps, I have a penchant for fantasising this sort of thing.
posted by Devonian at 4:42 PM on November 20, 2014

Guess which surgery I'm scheduled for on Tuesday afternoon?

I will report back later next week.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 4:53 PM on November 20, 2014 [4 favorites]

Guess which surgery I'm scheduled for next Friday afternoon?

I will report back in two weeks.
posted by monkeymike at 5:02 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

I can't be the only male MeFite who can consistently shave his scrotum without incident or complaint. Bunch of whiners in here (looking at you, #).
posted by a halcyon day at 5:17 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]

It puts me on edge, reading things like that.
posted by mr. digits at 5:22 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

I became a better husband and weirdly my hearing got better after my vasectomy. Of course the doctor had to remove my head from my ass before operating....
posted by humanfont at 5:31 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

My husband whined for about a minute after his. I handed him a beer and a jockstrap with a frozen gel pack in, and said "Eight and a half pound babies, no drugs."

It's like I always say: if people would just quit having sex then all this unpleasantness could be avoided.
posted by octobersurprise at 5:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]

(looking at you, #).

Yeah, sorry. Sharp implements have no business being anywhere near dangly bits.
posted by octothorpe at 5:43 PM on November 20, 2014

You know, when it really comes down to it I'm okay with never ever having sex again.
posted by um at 5:55 PM on November 20, 2014

wait can you seriously make shadow puppets with your balls?

i can't believe my husband has been depriving me of this!
posted by Jacqueline at 5:57 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]

I know giving birth is a pain that is in its own category.

I don't know. I know a number of women who have given birth, and then, about a year later, decided to have another child.

I know exactly zero men who have taken a clear shot to the balls say a year later "you know, honey, we should take a slapshot to my nads again."

But maybe I just don't know the right people.
posted by eriko at 5:58 PM on November 20, 2014 [13 favorites]

Artw: "I can confirm that if you have kids you will get kicked in the balls a lot"

Have you considered some sort of parental codpiece? Actually, there might be a market for that kind of thing.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 6:32 PM on November 20, 2014

Came for exploding balls

Uh, phrasing?
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:35 PM on November 20, 2014 [4 favorites]

When my time comes I will be asking for ALL THE VALLIUM.
posted by Joe Chip at 6:44 PM on November 20, 2014

No vasectomy here, just an orchiectomy. Plus side: they do the shaving. Minus side: they take the whole thing. Also the scar's a bit bigger.
posted by zrail at 7:32 PM on November 20, 2014 [2 favorites]

I know exactly zero men who have taken a clear shot to the balls say a year later "you know, honey, we should take a slapshot to my nads again."


If only you'd added a note on the relative incentives for each then you might have had a complete argument.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 7:35 PM on November 20, 2014 [5 favorites]

Drew Margery has such a gift for writing the screamingly hilarious/horrifying.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:37 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

I don't know. I know a number of women who have given birth, and then, about a year later, decided to have another child.

I know exactly zero men who have taken a clear shot to the balls say a year later "you know, honey, we should take a slapshot to my nads again."

But maybe I just don't know the right people.

Not sure if this is a fair comparison. What if the only way to have a baby was to get kicked in the balls? Perhaps to activate the sperm. Either men would suck it up and agree to get kicked, or we'd end the population explosion real fast.
posted by kanewai at 7:55 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]

Also, a lot of it is totally hilarious

I find boogers especially funny. Surprise snot bubbles are the best!
posted by MissySedai at 8:48 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Have you considered some sort of parental codpiece? Actually, there might be a market for that kind of thing.

If you're lucky your penis gets in the way!
posted by Artw at 8:58 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Well, I was all set to get a vasectomy, but now I'm kinda worried about chronic ball pain. Seriously! The odds seem WAY WAY WAY too fucking high.

Quality rubbers are $1-2/piece, and the odds of pregnancy are pretty low.

Yes, condoms do kinda suck, but (in my experience), it's mostly the female who strongly likes or dislikes condoms. I don't mind at all either way.

To be honest, now I'm torn... I don't want any more kids, but I've never had any accidents (knock on wood ...)
posted by mrgrimm at 9:10 PM on November 20, 2014

I can't be the only male MeFite who can consistently shave his scrotum without incident or complaint. Bunch of whiners in here (looking at you, #).

In all honesty, I shave the whole area a couple of times a week. Once you get past the itchiness, it's pretty slick.

No one likes to get hair in their mouth.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:13 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

To be honest, now I'm torn...

Ouch!
posted by ODiV at 9:27 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

but now I'm kinda worried about chronic ball pain.

Keep in mind that vasectomy tech has improved quite a bit since those referenced studies were done. (mid-90's) In particular, there's the no-scalpel and open-ended variants, which are pretty conclusively shown to drop post-surgical ball pain to about 2% odds, from the 15% case referenced.

I mean, obviously my experience doesn't counter statistics, but it's been pretty great for me. Key advantage: It gives you control in a way which completely frees up mental space/static. I mean, it doesn't handle STIs, of course, but if you're already fluid-bonded... be free, man. Be free.

(I'm still rooting for RISUG to come through, but that's still a ways out yet)
posted by CrystalDave at 9:40 PM on November 20, 2014

but now I'm kinda worried about chronic ball pain.

I don't even think I iced up after my vasectomy. I had nearly no swelling. It was tender but I didn't do that nonsense where the urologist thrown in a pizza coupon so I could watch March Madness. I took a day off and walked slowly for a few days but that was it. It was less traumatic than a tonsillectomy.
posted by GuyZero at 10:17 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

How can a nation be "wussy" about condoms? Like you think people have unprotected sex because they're afraid to buy condoms? To ask their partner to put one on? People have unprotected sex because it's kind of awesome.
posted by atoxyl at 10:25 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

#724 - I think you mean, "Balls well that mends well."
posted by gingerest at 11:41 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Turbid, I had a fissure 15 years ago, which was repaired by intentionally nicking one of the sphincter muscles so it could relax a bit and allow the fissure to heal. Huge improvement, and for me no side effects other than blessed relief.
posted by maxwelton at 2:46 AM on November 21, 2014

(I should note this was done by a surgeon--not by yrs trly with a mirror, swiss army knife and wiki-how.
posted by maxwelton at 2:50 AM on November 21, 2014 [4 favorites]

Knock on wood

Ow.
posted by arcticseal at 4:58 AM on November 21, 2014

WRT to the ridiculousness of vulnerable external genitalia:
"do I have to carry a VCR around with me all the time just because I watch a movie every once in a while?" - MeFi's own Greg Knauss

Also kids. Damn little nut bangers.

When my kids were toddlers, they'd wake up around 4:00AM and come into our room and demand attention/cuddling from Mrs. Plinth¹. Mrs. Plinth would respond by lifting the child into bed between us. Inevitably, the child would kick me in the nuts. Helluva reward. Each kid got three strikes before I would just GTFO. I'd rather lose the sleep by choice than lose the sleep after being brought violently to consciousness.

¹To this day, I'm still my children's second favorite person in the world.^2
2Everyone else³ is tied for first.
³Yes, even you.
posted by plinth at 7:39 AM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]

Had the snip many years ago, before the days of fancy procedures. I just hadn't expected that the surgeon would be female, somehow.

Finding myself on an operating table, with all the nurses looking on and a woman I didn't know holding a part of my anatomy in one hand and a scalpel in the other, definitely ranks among the most, uh, memorable experiences of my life.
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 8:10 AM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

When I had mine, the Dr. asked if it was OK if he had a student in with him to observe- Sure, why not. For science, right?

Everything was routine and went as well as you could hope for, and they were casually talking about what they were doing. At one point, he was - i'm presuming - tying the knots in or whatever they do, so things were being stretched out of where they normally are (i'm assuming) As they were prodding around, my Dr. said one thing to the student that continues to horrify me to this day.

"It's amazing what the human body is capable of, isn't it?"

This is NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR while your tubing is hanging out of your body and being messed with.

Response was an astonished and sincere "Wow - Yes, it is" - which only made it worse. I regret not asking what that was all about, but at that specific time, I really didn't want to know.
posted by MysticMCJ at 8:43 AM on November 21, 2014 [5 favorites]

My husband had the snip back in his sleeping with ladies days. He was awake during the process when the overhead lamp blew out. After making sure everything was fine, he dug a high powered keychain flashlight out of his pants and held it over until they finished.
posted by The Whelk at 8:43 AM on November 21, 2014 [7 favorites]

The doctor who did my vasectomy knew the person I worked for but didn't really understand what we did.

I spent that time staring at the ceiling and explaining natural language processing.
posted by maurice at 9:30 AM on November 21, 2014

mrgrimm: The one and only time that I shaved my scrotum was for my vasectomy. I decided to make a production out of it and shaved the entire area. Not one single nick. The nurse who was giving me the once over to make sure that I'd shaved well enough (and tie my penis to my shirt (I'd forgotten about that part until it was mentioned about. I didn't find that remotely humiliating, but part of it might have been that I was really happy to get snipped and join the "never gonna breed" club)) asked if I regularly shaved based upon how well I did. Beginners luck?

Beyond the comment about the shaving, everything for me was best case. The local worked, the drive home (I drove myself) was only minimally sore. Frozen peas were only needed on the night of the procedure, and I don't remember even being sore beyond the first night. When my girlfriend at the time came over (1.5 days later) she only half believed that I had it done because the non-incision was so small.
posted by nobeagle at 10:51 AM on November 21, 2014

Lay down, get my penis clipped

*twitch*
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 12:13 PM on November 21, 2014

I hope all you guys with vasectomies are getting regular checkups, just in case:

Study Links Vasectomy to Aggressive Prostate Cancer
posted by VikingSword at 1:05 PM on November 21, 2014

I've got a vasectomy story:

After the birth of my most recent child, we decided we are were done. I was on parental leave and started to look into the procedure. I work at a reasonably liberal workplace, so I emailed the misc discussion list and asked for advice and recommendations. I got several private responses of "This is so great" and wasn't quite sure what to make of those. I assumed other people wanted the answers but didn't want to ask the question, so I'm thinking I'm pretty awesome for breaking the ice. After a few more responses telling me how funny it was, someone finally clued me into the fact that it was Take Your Child To Work day. Being on parental leave I had no clue and had to explain to everyone that the question was serious.

People still bring up this incident 3 years later and probably for years more. I did get some decent doctor recommendations in the end and the procedure was quick and complication free.
posted by recursion at 2:20 PM on November 21, 2014 [11 favorites]

Okay, I'm back. Vasectomy was yesterday, and I'm a little sore but basically fine, with no necessary pain medication other than the beer I had with my dinner burrito. I suspect that Last Call at Maud's would have suffered from the use of opiates.

I don't know if I'm another outlier like GuyZero, or if the technology & technique really have improved that much; I also pretty religiously lay down iced up for most of the past 18 hours, which definitely helped.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 12:36 PM on November 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

In New Zealand 50% of men get vasectomies. A 2006 study of Kiwis, which remains the most comprehensive, showed no correlation between the procedure and increased risk of prostate cancer. The Stanford study showed a slight increased risk, however a high percentage of men will develop prostate cancer, so men should get regular screenings regardless.
posted by humanfont at 6:23 PM on November 26, 2014

My vasectomy was one week ago Friday! I was sore for a few days but nothing crazy. Ice, tylenol and sitting around for a week. I give this vasectomy a thumbs up!
posted by monkeymike at 12:22 PM on December 6, 2014