i carry your dick pic with me (i carry it in my heart)

December 3, 2014 1:01 PM

Classic Poems, Updated For the Internet Age from The Hairpin.
posted by maryr (17 comments total)

This isn't Mallory Ortberg?
This isn't Mallory Ortberg.
This isn't Mallory Ortberg!
This isn't Mallory Ortberg...
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:41 PM on December 3, 2014 [5 favorites]

That Frost parody isn't in meter. SHUN
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:44 PM on December 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the selfie
posted by Nelson at 1:47 PM on December 3, 2014 [8 favorites]

Oh god, is it bad that I think the i carry your heart parody is still romantic? That's bad, right? GODDAMN YOU EE CUMMINGS.
posted by yasaman at 1:52 PM on December 3, 2014 [5 favorites]

Google tracks you;
Facebook's a scamp;
Myspace is ugly;
And Diaspora needs revamp.
Ello might waffle;
Yahoo's hit a wall;
Livejournal's just awful;
You might as well call.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:57 PM on December 3, 2014 [37 favorites]

This is just to say...

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the iPhone...

I'm not doing this right, am I?
posted by Cookiebastard at 3:16 PM on December 3, 2014 [4 favorites]

I actually started one of these myself a while back...

I saw the best users of my generation destroyed by
pageviews, vain memetic viral,
dragging their avatars through the vacant social web at dawn
looking for a double rainbow,
horn-rimmed gurus burning for the strobing ken
of trending tweets, of frontpage love, the warmth
of comment counts,
who coffee-stained and skyping trolled newsgroups in the
late weeknight hours, and with lossless vinyl rips
contemplated alt.jazz...

(and so on)
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 3:21 PM on December 3, 2014 [7 favorites]

I'm pretty proud of my own take on William Such Williams.
posted by maryr at 3:23 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty proud of my own take on William Such Williams.


I thought the many williams part was especially thoughtful.
posted by Gymnopedist at 6:06 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

Too bad they're not that good.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 6:24 PM on December 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

Android, Android

Android, Android,
Burning bytes
In my bedroom
Late at night
With limited bandwidth
Still I try
A health rendition
Of that "Fidgit Pie."
posted by Oyéah at 6:43 PM on December 3, 2014

This Is Just To Say

I have ignored
the posts
that were on
your wordpress

and which
you were probably
intending
me to read

Forgive me
they were terrible
so dull
and so long
posted by Solon and Thanks at 6:48 PM on December 3, 2014 [10 favorites]

This is just to say...

I have copied
the data
you stored on
the server

and which
you were probably
believing
was private

Surveillance
it is warrantless
so nosy
and so bold
posted by nubs at 6:51 PM on December 3, 2014 [7 favorites]

Let us Skype then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a Fembot's take on Betty Grable;
Let us troll the certain half perverted freaks,
The muttered racist tweets
Of the restless nights of public private hells
And propaganda made by well paid shills.
Tweets that follow like a reasoned argument,
Masking vapid intent.
The feed Youtube, so overwhelming bandwidth...
Oh, do not choose that update,
What's that green stuff on your plate?
In the zoom the focus comes and goes
Was that Michael or was that Angelo?
posted by Oyéah at 7:04 PM on December 3, 2014 [5 favorites]

And what rough iBeast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Cuptertino to be born?
posted by gottabefunky at 7:11 PM on December 3, 2014 [9 favorites]

You do not do, you do not do
Any more, Facebook
On which I have stalked like a creep
For too many years, bored and sad,
Barely daring to Like or to Tag.

Profile, I have had to kill you.
You lived when I still had time—
Comment-laden, a page full of
Ghastly photos from one drunk night,
Smashed as that Svedka bottle

And those days in the college library
Where I poured over my books and notes
In the attempt to write one tortured paper,
I used to pray to recover you.
Oh, poo.

(Apologies to Sylvia Plath)
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:35 PM on December 3, 2014 [3 favorites]

The Red Nipple

so much depends
upon

a red cursor
nipple

crusted with skin
gunk

between the home
keys
posted by Joseph Gurl at 3:32 AM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]