A Gronking to Remember
January 7, 2015 10:26 AM Subscribe
A Gronking to Remember: Book One In the Rob Gronkowski Erotica Series is rather involved novella about one women's imagined relationship the Patriot's tight end by the Jacey Noonan, also author of I Don't Care if My Best Friend's Mom Is A Sasquatch, She's Hot and I'm Taking a Shower With Her ... Because It's the New Millennium (link, in case you need that one, too). The author gives a rather delightful interview to Slate, or you can just hear Gilbert Gottfried read you choice passages. [Links are SFW, subject is, well NSFW]
A Gronking to Remember
This takes on a whole different meaning for anyone who remembers the loud dinosaur from the B.C. comic.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:42 AM on January 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
This takes on a whole different meaning for anyone who remembers the loud dinosaur from the B.C. comic.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:42 AM on January 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
The amazon reviews are worth reading.
posted by boilermonster at 10:45 AM on January 7, 2015
posted by boilermonster at 10:45 AM on January 7, 2015
I still have a copy of Moan for Bigfoot on my Kindle app, which I inexplicably decided to download (for free, damnit!) the last time something like this broke through to the popular internet.
"Would you like to write a review of your purchase of Moan for Bigfoot?"
No, Amazon. No I would not.
posted by T.D. Strange at 10:46 AM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Would you like to write a review of your purchase of Moan for Bigfoot?"
No, Amazon. No I would not.
posted by T.D. Strange at 10:46 AM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
Aw dang, I was about to post this! So I'll just add this Vice interview and ten lines not too filthy to print. And this passage:
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:50 AM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Do to me what Gronk does to a football."Lacey Noonan is hilarious and I'd like to see more from her, though maybe not involving the Gronkachusetts Turnpike.
"What?"
"Here on the bed."
"I'll say it again. What?"
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:50 AM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
I hope she follows it up with a title containing "Belichicking."
posted by Mayor Curley at 10:54 AM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Mayor Curley at 10:54 AM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
Meanwhile, Butt-Fumbling 'til Nightfall, book 7 in the Jets erotica series, is due out this spring.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 10:54 AM on January 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 10:54 AM on January 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
one women's
way off topic but this is the last straw, I have to ask. I see this everywhere. what's up with it? is it an autocorrect thing? do people do it on purpose? is there some kind of background to the pluralizing of single women (womanses) that I am unaware of or is it just a common typo?
posted by byanyothername at 11:01 AM on January 7, 2015
way off topic but this is the last straw, I have to ask. I see this everywhere. what's up with it? is it an autocorrect thing? do people do it on purpose? is there some kind of background to the pluralizing of single women (womanses) that I am unaware of or is it just a common typo?
posted by byanyothername at 11:01 AM on January 7, 2015
way off topic but this is the last straw, I have to ask. I see this everywhere. what's up with it? is it an autocorrect thing? do people do it on purpose? is there some kind of background to the pluralizing of single women (womanses) that I am unaware of or is it just a common typo?
This account has been an elaborate long con. Certain parties, long ago, decided to drive you to distraction. Using the username blahblahblah, in 2004, they set the trap. Establishing a history of FPPs, a vanishingly small amount of which has involved football erotica, in order to lure the mods into a false sense of security. Then, today, the moment came, to STRIKE.
I see our plan has succeeded. Mens and womenses, we can shut the whole thing down now. Good job, everyones!
posted by blahblahblah at 11:05 AM on January 7, 2015 [21 favorites]
This account has been an elaborate long con. Certain parties, long ago, decided to drive you to distraction. Using the username blahblahblah, in 2004, they set the trap. Establishing a history of FPPs, a vanishingly small amount of which has involved football erotica, in order to lure the mods into a false sense of security. Then, today, the moment came, to STRIKE.
I see our plan has succeeded. Mens and womenses, we can shut the whole thing down now. Good job, everyones!
posted by blahblahblah at 11:05 AM on January 7, 2015 [21 favorites]
Don't miss the Amazon reviews:
When you are a connoisseur of Patriots tight-end themed erotica like I am, it has been a long, dry period these past few years. Of course, the pinnacle of the genre--2011's "A Tale of Two Tight Ends" is unlikely to have a sequel written (unless it's prison-based...idea!). So I've had to muck about with subpar offerings from fans of other teams. "Doinking Connor Barth", "A Teddy for Bridgewater", even the highly acclaimed "Giving Aaron Rodgers (Cheese)Head"...none of these measure up when you are a die-hard Pats jacker like I am.
That's why "A Gronking to Remember" is so refreshing. It's a 9-route into my heart and loins.
posted by kgasmart at 11:08 AM on January 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
When you are a connoisseur of Patriots tight-end themed erotica like I am, it has been a long, dry period these past few years. Of course, the pinnacle of the genre--2011's "A Tale of Two Tight Ends" is unlikely to have a sequel written (unless it's prison-based...idea!). So I've had to muck about with subpar offerings from fans of other teams. "Doinking Connor Barth", "A Teddy for Bridgewater", even the highly acclaimed "Giving Aaron Rodgers (Cheese)Head"...none of these measure up when you are a die-hard Pats jacker like I am.
That's why "A Gronking to Remember" is so refreshing. It's a 9-route into my heart and loins.
posted by kgasmart at 11:08 AM on January 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
But after a few pages I was hooked, and now won't consider reading anything again about a pro athlete unless it includes a fair portion of boning.
Now this is an idea I can get behind
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:10 AM on January 7, 2015
Now this is an idea I can get behind
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:10 AM on January 7, 2015
I think you need some more tags. When I'm looking up Rob Gronkowski-related spank material on MeFi later on, I don't want to have to guess what euphemism you used as a tag, I want to find the hot, hot Rob Gronkowski-related spank material with minimal fuss.
I mean, you. When YOU'RE looking up, etc. As in "when a hypothetical future user is looking up, etc."
posted by Curious Artificer at 11:11 AM on January 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
I mean, you. When YOU'RE looking up, etc. As in "when a hypothetical future user is looking up, etc."
posted by Curious Artificer at 11:11 AM on January 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Thank yew.
posted by Curious Artificer at 11:19 AM on January 7, 2015
posted by Curious Artificer at 11:19 AM on January 7, 2015
wait so it was all a centuries old Borgesian conspiracy to get me to buy sasquatch erotica? that's needlessly baroque. all you needed to do was say, "sasquatch erotica."
posted by byanyothername at 11:41 AM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by byanyothername at 11:41 AM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Rob Gronkowski Fulfilled His Dream Of Owning A Party Bus
If this bus is a-Gronkin'
Don't come a-knockin'
posted by tonycpsu at 11:45 AM on January 7, 2015
If this bus is a-Gronkin'
Don't come a-knockin'
posted by tonycpsu at 11:45 AM on January 7, 2015
Yeah, Gronk is of a personality where he's probably going to be at the book signings giving out selfies and autographs alongside the author.
posted by Slap*Happy at 11:54 AM on January 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Slap*Happy at 11:54 AM on January 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just knowing that there is Aaron Rodger's fanfic out there is enough to put a smile on my face, a spring in my step, and a Wisconsin bratwurst in my pants.
posted by helmutdog at 11:55 AM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by helmutdog at 11:55 AM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Gronk just pawn in game of life.
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:00 PM on January 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:00 PM on January 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Oh, yeah - this is my favorite Gronk moment, he's being interviewed by local sportscaster Scott Zolak:
posted by Slap*Happy at 12:00 PM on January 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
Zolak: If you could have a superpower, what would that one superpower be?He's the human embodiment of a Labrador retriever.
Gronk: Man, like, a time machine.
Zolak: You could be invisible...
Gronk: Does time machine count?
Zolak: Yeah, let's do it. We could build a time machine right here.
Gronk: Like, if I could just be like, "I want to be in Florida right now," and then boom, I'm in Florida.
Zolak: That'd be more like a transporter, like...
Gronk: Yeah, is that a superpower?
posted by Slap*Happy at 12:00 PM on January 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
In response to the Slate piece, because it really needs to be said:
Let us not pretend that the actresses and characters of Flo, Wendy, and Jan are not triple-adorable and decidedly attractive. Decidedly. Let's just stop doing that right now. It's silly, what is being said about those people in the Slate article. Shilling for insurance or fast food chili in no wise (NO. WISE.) interrupts those attributes, which all right-thinking and reasonably perceptive people intuitively grasp. Ridiculous.
I have more feelings about this for sure, but I feel I've at least put my flag in the sand on this issue and I'm choosing to be content with that for now.
posted by Poppa Bear at 12:03 PM on January 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Let us not pretend that the actresses and characters of Flo, Wendy, and Jan are not triple-adorable and decidedly attractive. Decidedly. Let's just stop doing that right now. It's silly, what is being said about those people in the Slate article. Shilling for insurance or fast food chili in no wise (NO. WISE.) interrupts those attributes, which all right-thinking and reasonably perceptive people intuitively grasp. Ridiculous.
I have more feelings about this for sure, but I feel I've at least put my flag in the sand on this issue and I'm choosing to be content with that for now.
posted by Poppa Bear at 12:03 PM on January 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
If it makes everyone forget Tebowing, it may be a harsh medicine, but justified.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:09 PM on January 7, 2015
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:09 PM on January 7, 2015
I've at least put my flag in the sand on this issue
Never heard that metaphor before. Not sure I like the use of sand.
For a book about an X Tight End, this book has me asking Y. Shocking if Aaron Hernandez doesn't get roped into the inevitable telenovela ripoff.
posted by yerfatma at 12:10 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Never heard that metaphor before. Not sure I like the use of sand.
For a book about an X Tight End, this book has me asking Y. Shocking if Aaron Hernandez doesn't get roped into the inevitable telenovela ripoff.
posted by yerfatma at 12:10 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Lest we forget, Flo is not entirely human...
posted by kmz at 12:16 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by kmz at 12:16 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I Don't Care if My Best Friend's Mom Is A Sasquatch, She's Hot and I'm Taking a Shower With Her ... Because It's the New Millennium
Perhaps one of the best book titles ever.
posted by Area Man at 12:39 PM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
Perhaps one of the best book titles ever.
posted by Area Man at 12:39 PM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
Flo may be adorable, but she terrifies me. That infinite bright white insurance-store space she occupies is how I imagine limbo, with Flo as the omnipresent, aggressively chipper Manic Pixie Dream Girl of the afterlife.
Wendy makes me slightly uncomfortable, as if my hamburger is trying to flirt with me. I miss Dave Thomas and his old fayshioned sincerity.
I haven't made the acquaintance of Toyota Jan, but I'm sure she's better than that Mr. Opportunity guy who used to haunt Honda ads and my nightmares.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:41 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wendy makes me slightly uncomfortable, as if my hamburger is trying to flirt with me. I miss Dave Thomas and his old fayshioned sincerity.
I haven't made the acquaintance of Toyota Jan, but I'm sure she's better than that Mr. Opportunity guy who used to haunt Honda ads and my nightmares.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:41 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Toyota Jan is full of surprises. A new mom with a wicked love of driving fast cars (or at least of driving cars fast)... I'm sure she would run Mr. Opportunity down without hesitation.
posted by lhauser at 1:12 PM on January 7, 2015
posted by lhauser at 1:12 PM on January 7, 2015
All three of them are irritating as hell. Flo tops the list as the fruit fly in the bowl of life. I have no opinion about their adorableness or attractiveness, not being of the appropriate persuasion.
Gronk, on the other hand ...... okay, stop, stop. I must not think bad thoughts ......
posted by blucevalo at 1:26 PM on January 7, 2015
Gronk, on the other hand ...... okay, stop, stop. I must not think bad thoughts ......
posted by blucevalo at 1:26 PM on January 7, 2015
Wendy is like an uncanny valley Allyson Hannigan and it drives me nearer to madness with each ad.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:11 PM on January 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Navelgazer at 2:11 PM on January 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
This really needs to be Tom Brady/Rob Gronkowski fan fiction.
posted by SisterHavana at 2:48 PM on January 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by SisterHavana at 2:48 PM on January 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
If this bus is a-Gronkin'
Don't come a-
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:57 PM on January 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
All those Amazon links are no longer working.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:43 PM on January 7, 2015
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:43 PM on January 7, 2015
A must have for the Book Club members among you: Katie Nolan's suggested topics for your Book Club discussion of A Gronking To Remember. (SLYT)
posted by dry white toast at 5:56 PM on January 7, 2015
posted by dry white toast at 5:56 PM on January 7, 2015
Note about the Wendy's pitch girl - don't mention to the red head in your life "hey look a cute red head on tv" - all you'll get is a look of disdain and a statement - "she's not a real redhead" and then you have to hang your head in shame.
posted by drewbage1847 at 6:25 PM on January 7, 2015
posted by drewbage1847 at 6:25 PM on January 7, 2015
Rob Gronkowski Thinks Planes And Cars Are Time Machines
I don't follow sports, and never heard of Gronk before. He sounds awesome.
And he's right. Planes and Cars are time machines. These are machines, often of advanced technology, in which you enter and you are transported to a far away place... in the future.
(cue theremin wail and clouds of dank smoke)
posted by honestcoyote at 6:35 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't follow sports, and never heard of Gronk before. He sounds awesome.
And he's right. Planes and Cars are time machines. These are machines, often of advanced technology, in which you enter and you are transported to a far away place... in the future.
(cue theremin wail and clouds of dank smoke)
posted by honestcoyote at 6:35 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't miss the Amazon reviews:
When you are a connoisseur of Patriots tight-end themed erotica like I am, it has been a long, dry period these past few years.
There will never be a drought of Patriots themed erotica as long as Peter King continues to write for Sports Illustrated. I like to read the articles with a little Marvin Gaye playing in the background.
posted by dances with hamsters at 6:53 PM on January 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
When you are a connoisseur of Patriots tight-end themed erotica like I am, it has been a long, dry period these past few years.
There will never be a drought of Patriots themed erotica as long as Peter King continues to write for Sports Illustrated. I like to read the articles with a little Marvin Gaye playing in the background.
posted by dances with hamsters at 6:53 PM on January 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
NOOOOOOO
I'm guessing Gronk and/or his lawyers finally got wind of this and weren't too pleased.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:13 PM on January 7, 2015
I'm guessing Gronk and/or his lawyers finally got wind of this and weren't too pleased.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:13 PM on January 7, 2015
I don't follow sports, and never heard of Gronk before. He sounds awesome.
New England fans are fickle. You can do a whole hell of a lot for the home team, and be sneered at... Bill Parcells, Nomar, Bill Russell(!), Grady Little, etc.
The one out is if you are very weird. Just, strange and uncomfortable to stats nerds while also being irredeemably quirky and charming.
Rob Gronkowski is an enthusiastic, sweet, ruthlessly powerful and somewhat air-headed athlete who genuinely enjoys his role on his team, and may well be the best player at his position in the history of the sport. We like that he's weird and dumb like us, even as he's breaking stat after stat - see also, Tom Brady, who is an even bigger shy and nerdy goofball than Peyton Manning, as immensely unlikely as that sounds. He gives interviews on local sports-talk radio stations every week, and man, he's sweet and polite and nerdily awkward and earnest.... ummm...
I'm not helping the "Please don't fanfic Brady and Gronk" cause, am I?
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:41 PM on January 7, 2015
New England fans are fickle. You can do a whole hell of a lot for the home team, and be sneered at... Bill Parcells, Nomar, Bill Russell(!), Grady Little, etc.
The one out is if you are very weird. Just, strange and uncomfortable to stats nerds while also being irredeemably quirky and charming.
Rob Gronkowski is an enthusiastic, sweet, ruthlessly powerful and somewhat air-headed athlete who genuinely enjoys his role on his team, and may well be the best player at his position in the history of the sport. We like that he's weird and dumb like us, even as he's breaking stat after stat - see also, Tom Brady, who is an even bigger shy and nerdy goofball than Peyton Manning, as immensely unlikely as that sounds. He gives interviews on local sports-talk radio stations every week, and man, he's sweet and polite and nerdily awkward and earnest.... ummm...
I'm not helping the "Please don't fanfic Brady and Gronk" cause, am I?
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:41 PM on January 7, 2015
> Noonan: I hope he likes it, and reads it with the joy I had writing it.
Oh well.
posted by ardgedee at 8:33 PM on January 7, 2015
Oh well.
posted by ardgedee at 8:33 PM on January 7, 2015
may well be the best player at his position in the history of the sport
Nah, he's maybe the 3rd best player at his position currently in the league and he spends way too much time sitting on the bench injured for his career to amount to much long-term.
posted by 0 at 6:27 AM on January 8, 2015
Nah, he's maybe the 3rd best player at his position currently in the league and he spends way too much time sitting on the bench injured for his career to amount to much long-term.
posted by 0 at 6:27 AM on January 8, 2015
0: "Nah, he's maybe the 3rd best player at his position currently in the league and he spends way too much time sitting on the bench injured for his career to amount to much long-term.
That is just silly. Third best right now? THE WINE YOU MAKE WITH SUCH SOUR GRAPES WILL CAUSE A FACE PUCKER THAT MAY RUPTURE THE SPACE-TIME CONTINIUM.
posted by joelhunt at 7:22 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
That is just silly. Third best right now? THE WINE YOU MAKE WITH SUCH SOUR GRAPES WILL CAUSE A FACE PUCKER THAT MAY RUPTURE THE SPACE-TIME CONTINIUM.
posted by joelhunt at 7:22 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I'm by no means a Pats fan, but Graham's ridiculous 2013 season was definitely a career year outlier. Nobody was better than Gronkowski at the position this year. He missed a lot of games in 2012 and 2013, but he's a few years younger than Graham, and only missed one game in 2014, a season in which he led all TEs in yards and tied Thomas and Gates in TDs.
Even factoring in injury risk, there's no TE I'd rather have than Gronkowski.
posted by tonycpsu at 7:38 AM on January 8, 2015
Even factoring in injury risk, there's no TE I'd rather have than Gronkowski.
posted by tonycpsu at 7:38 AM on January 8, 2015
GREATEST HITS FROM THE WELL, ACTUALLY!! CROWD
"Rob Gronkowski is the third best TE in the NFL right now."
"The Stones were more influential than the Beatles."
"I've actually never seen Star Wars -- tried once, fell asleep."
"Of course Greg Maddux did steroids."
"Republican control of the House and Senate is in a way really great for Democrats."
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 8:17 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Rob Gronkowski is the third best TE in the NFL right now."
"The Stones were more influential than the Beatles."
"I've actually never seen Star Wars -- tried once, fell asleep."
"Of course Greg Maddux did steroids."
"Republican control of the House and Senate is in a way really great for Democrats."
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 8:17 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
he's maybe the 3rd best player at his position currently in the league
I want to watch the league you're watching. It must be awesome. He just set an all-time record for consecutive seasons with 10+ TDs by a tight end. He's in the discussion for league MVP this year which is usually only for QBs. He's the top of Football Outsiders Tight End rankings for the year in spite of not really playing much the first 4 games and not at all in the 16th. Oh yeah: and he blocks like an offensive lineman, which most of the tight ends you're comparing him to do not.
If this bus is a-Gronkin'
Just for the record, Gronk has a party bus he bought from a church.
Rob Gronkowski Thinks Planes And Cars Are Time Machines
Not the first New England athlete to get confused: Bob Costas started out as an ABA announcer with the Spirits of St. Louis who featured former Providence College and Providence police blotter star Marvin Barnes. Costas claims one year when the travel schedule came out and showed the team flying from St. Louis to the East Coast and landing before they left, Barnes balked saying, "I ain't getting on no time machine" and rented a car.
posted by yerfatma at 9:53 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I want to watch the league you're watching. It must be awesome. He just set an all-time record for consecutive seasons with 10+ TDs by a tight end. He's in the discussion for league MVP this year which is usually only for QBs. He's the top of Football Outsiders Tight End rankings for the year in spite of not really playing much the first 4 games and not at all in the 16th. Oh yeah: and he blocks like an offensive lineman, which most of the tight ends you're comparing him to do not.
If this bus is a-Gronkin'
Just for the record, Gronk has a party bus he bought from a church.
Rob Gronkowski Thinks Planes And Cars Are Time Machines
Not the first New England athlete to get confused: Bob Costas started out as an ABA announcer with the Spirits of St. Louis who featured former Providence College and Providence police blotter star Marvin Barnes. Costas claims one year when the travel schedule came out and showed the team flying from St. Louis to the East Coast and landing before they left, Barnes balked saying, "I ain't getting on no time machine" and rented a car.
posted by yerfatma at 9:53 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Metroid Baby: "I'm guessing Gronk and/or his lawyers finally got wind of this and weren't too pleased."
Aw man. I hope it's really over the cover image (using an actual picture of Gronk? and in an actual NFL uniform? good luck) and this can be easily rectified.
Meanwhile, this has inspired me to dust off my own NFL erotic fanfic manuscript. It's not finished, so I don't want to give too much away but here's a brief excerpt:
Aw man. I hope it's really over the cover image (using an actual picture of Gronk? and in an actual NFL uniform? good luck) and this can be easily rectified.
Meanwhile, this has inspired me to dust off my own NFL erotic fanfic manuscript. It's not finished, so I don't want to give too much away but here's a brief excerpt:
"Omaha! Omaha! OMAHA!!"posted by mhum at 10:55 AM on January 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
The author says: "But I’m working with the lawyers to square it away. I dare say nothing further to stir up controversy.”
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:40 PM on January 9, 2015
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:40 PM on January 9, 2015
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posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 10:35 AM on January 7, 2015 [3 favorites]