A Bike Lock You'll Never Forget to Bring

January 28, 2015 9:25 AM

Seatylock, a successful kickstarter, is a clever, high-strength bicycle lock that lives inside your bike seat.

And while Seatylock is a neat idea, can it stand up to the (supposed) unbreakability that is the Forever Lock?

posted by quin (92 comments total)

I last link is back to the Seatylock kickstarter.

Also, this is awesome! I love this idea.
posted by staccato signals of constant information at 9:28 AM on January 28, 2015

what keeps crankhounds from slashing the saddle up?
posted by boo_radley at 9:33 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Somebody needs to invent something to make me remember to 1) put reusable bags back in the car and 2) actually remember to bring them into the store.
posted by kmz at 9:35 AM on January 28, 2015 [32 favorites]

The crankhounds would still have to slash through the metal part that comprises the "chain" of the Seatylock. I guess they could mess up your seat out of spite? But then, they could do that to any, non-be-chained, regular bike seat I imagine.
posted by Poppa Bear at 9:35 AM on January 28, 2015

They do a pretty good job explaining why this a great way to lug around a bike lock, but not so much on why you should bother. Some guy with a plasma cutter would probably make quick work of it.
posted by indubitable at 9:35 AM on January 28, 2015

There are probably all sorts of problems with it.
posted by Flashman at 9:35 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Cool looking locks are a flag marking an expensive bike to ignorant scumbags with and electric power grinder.
posted by sammyo at 9:37 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Crank...hounds?

It's a pretty neat idea. Cut the lock and you don't have a usable seat for the bike you just stole.
posted by topynate at 9:38 AM on January 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

The Foreverlock link goes to the Seatylock kickstarter page.
posted by ardgedee at 9:38 AM on January 28, 2015

This is not the hipster you are looking for.
posted by arcticseal at 9:40 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Why? Do you not?
posted by indubitable at 9:40 AM on January 28, 2015

The Forever Lock link should be fixed. - Thanks cortex!

Also: it's never a good idea to say "unbreakable", apparently.
posted by quin at 9:41 AM on January 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

Some guy with a plasma cutter would probably make quick work of it.

Is that a thing? Do people really wander around with plasma cutters?
posted by eriko at 9:46 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Cut the lock and you don't have a usable seat for the bike you just stole.

Unless you steal the saddle from the bike next to it.
posted by w0mbat at 9:49 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Some guy with a plasma cutter would probably make quick work of it.

Is there a bike lock that's not true of?
posted by lumpenprole at 9:50 AM on January 28, 2015 [11 favorites]

The only advantage I can see to this over just having the nifty folding chain lock alone, which could clip practically anywhere on the bike, is that it requires no extra step to secure your seat from being stolen.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:52 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

eriko, it's an extreme example, substitute less insane cutting approaches as necessary (grinders, etc). I don't think a fancy lock can solve the problem of leaving your bike unattended.
posted by indubitable at 9:52 AM on January 28, 2015

I think I'll just suck up the extra weight and dubious hassle (I mean, why would I have a bike that didn't have enough cargo capacity for both a lock and a load of groceries?) and continue carrying a U-lock and cable sufficient to lock my frame and both wheels. If a bike's worth locking, it's worth locking well.
posted by asperity at 9:53 AM on January 28, 2015 [12 favorites]

(Missed topynate's excellent point before commenting. I'm warming to this product now.)
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:54 AM on January 28, 2015

Yeah, so many stolen bikes end up at chop shops for reassembly that the loss of a seat doesn't matter. They'd be swapping one in from a box anyway.

Thieves will steal whatever is easy to steal. If it's just the front wheel (or the whole bike except the front wheel), that's what they take. They already don't respect your property. Why would they respect the integrity of it?
posted by ardgedee at 9:54 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Actually, this looks pretty good to me! I have an old and battered bike, so no one is likely to break out any plasma cutters (seriously? is that a thing now?) and I would love not to have to dink around with a U-lock.

Basically, I need to lock my bike to keep joy riders and random spiteful people from grabbing it, not because it is so beautiful and valuable that it could be resold.
posted by Frowner at 9:55 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think kickstarter has reinvented the bikelock about 50 times over the past few years. I personally don't see the desire to own something this overdesigned, but the successful campaigns prove that there is a definite demand in the market for this type of thing.
posted by Think_Long at 9:55 AM on January 28, 2015

The best defense is a bike that's not worth stealing.
posted by unmake at 9:56 AM on January 28, 2015 [7 favorites]

Battery powered plasma cutters still seem to only really exist in the hobbyist space at the moment, and regular ones are still a fairly rare item for most average people to own, so unless you are parked near a garage or metal works, I don't think that's too much of a worry.

However, a thermal lance could be carried around fairly easily, though the fountain of sparks it produces would probably clue people in to the fact you were breaking the lock.

My money would be on an angle grinder. Because nothing is permanent in a world where angle grinders exist. And even then, with hard enough metal, it would be noisy and could take more than a few seconds to do.
posted by quin at 9:56 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

So here is the question - does bike theft vary city by city? I've had a bunch of cheap bikes stolen in the past, but that was because I either left them for all eternity like a terrible person or had only a cable lock because I was stupid. I've had an unlocked junk bike stolen off my porch, but really I'd left it unlocked because I was going to get rid of it and it was very cheap and terrible and not even really good for parts. But the whole "I locked my ordinary bike-year-round bike with a regular lock and left it for ten hours and someone cut the lock" thing....maybe I'm wildly misinformed, but I just don't seem to hear about that happening a lot around here. But the way folks are talking in this thread, it must be happening somewhere.
posted by Frowner at 9:58 AM on January 28, 2015

But the way folks are talking in this thread, it must be happening somewhere.

Bay Area chiming in: that happens here.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 10:02 AM on January 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

The best defense is a bike that's not worth stealing.

Every bike that's rideable is "worth stealing." I am not a fan of the idea that we can't have nice things because of the low priority law enforcement places on bicycle theft, or of having to strip my bike of all the things that make it useful (lights, bags, saddle, rack, hell, even the fenders?) every time I want to stop somewhere for more than a few minutes.

In conclusion: Bikeyface.
posted by asperity at 10:02 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Yes, of course it can be defeated by someone sufficiently determined. Guess what, your front door lock isn't actually keeping burglars out, either, did you know that?

People who actually ride bikes for transportation deal with a variety of situations. Taking the bike in with you is ideal. Locking it up somewhere it'll be closely observed by a security guard or at least non-fuckheaded citizenery is next. But sometimes you have to put it in non-ideal places. Giving the thief additional hassle and impeding his ability to ride off on it (which most thieves do) if he does succeed in breaking the lock is one other way of encouraging him to move on.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:03 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Poppa Bear: "I guess they could mess up your seat out of spite?"

This is what I was referring to. Slashing the cushion and making the saddle worthless.
posted by boo_radley at 10:07 AM on January 28, 2015

The best defense is a bike that's not worth stealing.
Around these parts, there's pretty much no such thing.

does bike theft vary city by city?
"Kryptonite will provide you with a one (1) year Anti-Theft Protection Offer subject to the terms and conditions stated herein. (Note: Not all products are covered in New York City, NY, United States of America.)"
posted by evidenceofabsence at 10:07 AM on January 28, 2015

In case people don't understand, bike locks are only useful for delaying thieves, not completely thwarting them.
posted by Think_Long at 10:08 AM on January 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

The best defense is a bike that's not worth stealing.

So my 25 year old Roland beater is safe then. That's good because my good bike isn't working at the moment. Funny how that works then isn't it? You have a multiple thousand dollar bike that goes tits up and your 25 year old slogger keeps right on slogging
posted by damnitkage at 10:09 AM on January 28, 2015

In London the new trend is to unbolt handlebars on expensive road bikes, as the levers are worth enough to resell.

The solution is to ride a Brompton (or another, lesser, folding bike) and carry it in to wherever you're going.
posted by grahamparks at 10:11 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

One word: Brompton.
posted by fairmettle at 10:12 AM on January 28, 2015

Slashing the cushion and making the saddle worthless.
Unless you're detaching your seat and taking it with you every time, there's nothing preventing this hypothetical crankhound from doing the same thing.

I'd be more concerned about non-crankhound-related wear and tear, since that seat will be banging and rubbing against your bike, whatever your bike is chained to, whatever bikes are chained up near it, and whatever's walking by it.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 10:13 AM on January 28, 2015

asperity notes my thoughts - this locks the frame, but not the wheels. And I've seen plenty of frames still chained to the bike rack with both wheels gone.
posted by k5.user at 10:13 AM on January 28, 2015

I think kickstarter has reinvented the bikelock about 50 times over the past few years.

Nothing wrong with a standard lock as long as you employ it with the knowledge that it is a deterrent to make your bike less attractive to thieves and vandals than the one next to it.

Riding a bicycle in a major city requires that you accept that your bike will be stolen sooner or later.
posted by a halcyon day at 10:13 AM on January 28, 2015

I think that worrying about thermic lances and plasma cutters is sort of missing the point. Like many security measures, you don't need to make the bike literally invulnerable, you just need to make it less convenient to steal than the five or ten other bikes chained up on the same rack.
posted by metaBugs at 10:16 AM on January 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

It's unfortunately common for bike-ignorant entrepreneurs to try to make a better Whatever for bicycles. They think they see common problems, but their solutions wind up creating more problems.
posted by entropone at 10:16 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm glad I never learned how to ride a bike. I get mugged on foot, THE OLD FASHIONED WAY.
posted by josher71 at 10:24 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

However, a thermal lance could be carried around fairly easily, though the fountain of sparks it produces would probably clue people in to the fact you were breaking the lock.

Just make sure you're white.
posted by phearlez at 10:25 AM on January 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

In case people don't understand, bike locks are only useful for delaying thieves, not completely thwarting them.

Edited for simplicity.
posted by phearlez at 10:27 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm trying think of a time when i had to lock my bike somewhere where i couldn't see it. I bring my bike inside at work and at home. At a coffee shop or restaurant i can see it or sit outside.
posted by judson at 10:30 AM on January 28, 2015

Bike locks are pretty much a solved issue, for people who know how they used them. Yet it seems that every day a new Kickstarter shows up trying to get suckers to fund them.

I bet the seat doesn't go back to exact same position each time, so dialing in its position is useless. But, I guess people who don't give a shit about bike fit are the kinds who fund these things anyway.
posted by sideshow at 10:32 AM on January 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

Fortunately as marijuana legalization takes hold across the country, the prison-industrial complex is going to need more feeding. Hopefully this will lead to more jail time for bike thieves. Any amount would be better than the *none* they typically get now.

Once upon a time you could be hanged for stealing a horse. It was so easy to do, and it would ruin and in some cases effectively kill the victim. The only choice was to treat the crime as one of the most heinous things a person could do, both legally and socially.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:34 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

yeah, sideshow - that was one of my beefs. it looks like it might, but the other problem is, if you choose this bike lock, it means that you choose this saddle.

and saddles are a bike part that needs to fit you. there is no one saddle that fits most people. it varies by many factors - body type, riding style and fitness, bike type, preference, and a jillion other things that can contribute to comfort. selling a product that limits all of your customters to a single type of something that requires so much variability is a major flaw.
posted by entropone at 10:37 AM on January 28, 2015

it also means you are choosing a lock that smells like butts
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:40 AM on January 28, 2015 [9 favorites]

Some guy with a plasma cutter would probably make quick work of it.

When I was in college a friend of mine locked his bike up in the middle of harvard square with a fairly heavy-duty U-lock and then lost the key. So he and some friends decided that the best way to deal with the situation was to put on black jumpsuits, get a plasma cutter, get in a van and all drive in the middle of the day to where the bike was parked. They jumped out, cut the lock, threw the bike in the van and drove off. The whole operation only took a couple of minutes, and no one even stopped to ask what they were doing.
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 10:45 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

eriko, it's an extreme example, substitute less insane cutting approaches as necessary (grinders, etc). I don't think a fancy lock can solve the problem of leaving your bike unattended.

One of my locks/chain, when the key broke, managed to break a bolt-cutter, dull a hacksaw, and go through 2 full cut-off disks with a grinder. Security was definitely called at least twice. Thankfully it was their bolt cutter I'd originally broken, so they knew I owned it.

The problem with this isn't "oh, there are always ways to cut through a lock," because there are times when we can't bring bikes inside.

The real problem is as sideshow & entropone mention - this is probably not a great seat. Forces you to choose between having a good seat and a good lock - or having a second seat for serious riding, probably with a lock, at which point why own this seat?
posted by Lemurrhea at 10:52 AM on January 28, 2015

Of all the perfectly legitimate reasons why a better lock might be good, the "it throws off your center of gravity" argument was utter weaksauce.

My big-ass heavy Krypto lock sits next to the rear rack, in the holder it came with, secured with a Velcro tiedown to keep it from rattling while I ride. It doesn't throw off my center. My 5-year old, on the pull-behind, flopping around like a beached salmon? HE can throw off my center of gravity, but not enough to be dangerous, so how's a U lock going to be a problem?

(There is no lock on my road bike. Because if I am riding to a place where I plan to stop and leave my bike for a bit, I do not ride my road bike. And it lives inside my house.)
posted by caution live frogs at 10:54 AM on January 28, 2015

The best solution is peppering the city with bike stations. Design them to envelop the bike so even the lights and seat can't be stolen. Equip them with an RFID key that generates a new code every time it's inserted. Add a coin slot, or make them free, depending on your budget and how many Randian assholes there are on City Council.

Mass producing these things won't cost much more than parking meters, bus shelters and park benches.
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:55 AM on January 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

The best defense is a bike that's not worth stealing.

Maybe instead, The best defense is a bike that nobody would want to steal.

For example, if you camouflage your bike so it looks like it's encrusted with bird droppings, that may deter thieves.
posted by ShooBoo at 10:58 AM on January 28, 2015

Put me in the "yet another example of a Kickstarter solving a problem that doesn't exist", bicycle division, on the order of the one that had a quick-release handle that doubled as a bottle opener (complete with video demonstrating how to open your beer with it still attached to the bike, which necessitates holding the bottle horizontally, without baptizing your bike in beer). If you want both that style of seat and that style of lock, and you can't find them both for cheaper than this thing, then you might appreciate having one thing to mess around with rather than two.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:06 AM on January 28, 2015

To use a plasma cutter or a thermic lance, you compressed air or an oxygen tank. Even a small tank is heavy and plasma cutters aren't cheap. I use 'em all the time at work and there are way easier ways to break a bike lock. Sometimes a bit of leverage is all you need.

Most bike hitching posts are made of hollow steel tubes so they can be easier to cut since it's just mild steel most of the time. I've seen posts anchored down with regular nuts on anchors and they just spin off with a long wrench.

A lot of bikes these days can be stripped with a set of allen keys (or even my emergeny bike tool) so even if you lock the frame and the wheels, they can cut all your cables and take your stem, handlebars, cranks and derailleurs in less time than you're taking to read this post. If the coast is clear they'll even take the brakes.
posted by glip at 11:09 AM on January 28, 2015

Frowner: "So here is the question - does bike theft vary city by city?"

Big time. Around me it's purely a crime of opportunity -- you basically have to leave the bike unlocked completely -- and children's bikes are a bigger target than adult bikes, because kiddie bikes are easier to resell at pawn shops. In a nearby college town, however, adult bikes are the big target because those resell on Craigslist to college students, but it's not a big-money enough industry to make "bike thief" a full-time job ... it's still just a crime of opportunity. In other cities (especially NYC), there's an entire industry that revolves around bike theft and bike chop shops, because there's a critical mass of people who bike commute and rely on bikes for transit, so there's a robust market in parts.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:09 AM on January 28, 2015

I can see this being totally viable for a more casual Sunday-ride crowd. The folks who just want to be able to get on a bike and pretend that they're in Amsterdam. That's a pretty large market, possibly the largest segment in the bike market, so it's hardly the worst idea ever. It's probably too expensive by half to be a monster hit, but I suspect they can work on that.

"Serious" (heh, I said serious) riders are going to have lots of objections based on fit and weight, but I don't think the inventors are going to lose sleep over that. I know I'm going to keep my Brooks on my Campy touring bike, and my Flite on the Surly, but I was never really the market for this product anyway.
posted by bonehead at 11:11 AM on January 28, 2015

I suppose this might be feasible for a fixie (as portrayed in the IMHO horrible html5 web site), but not much else. A pro thief would get it off quickly--just as they do the various U-locks: angle grinder and away we go....

This thing is just like a U-lock; the benefit seems to be that it makes the seat un-stealable. (and btw, if you have a quick release on your seat post, you are asking for it...).

I've seen many bikes with front wheels missing...rear wheels missing, seats missing..if they can't get the entire bike, then often parts are grabbed.

And of course, if you have an expensive 20lb road bike, you don't wanna carry around a 5lb lock to secure it...or use some corny/heavy seat lock thing on it!

I also tried the camouflage trick once: covered up the nice paint and decals on an XTR outfitted mountain bike and locked down the front (quick release is a bad idea). U-lock frame and rear wheel to a solid object...never had a problem with that method even in some high crime, urban areas for longer time periods... YMMV, of course.

Gist: U-locks, forever locks, and this seat lock thingy will prevent MOST of the quick grab and ride theft, but higher level thieves will make short work of any lock....
posted by CrowGoat at 11:20 AM on January 28, 2015

This design looks good to me. Bear in mind that a lot of Kickstarted hardware companies never deliver the goods people paid for. Even now they are only in the "pre-order" stage.
posted by w0mbat at 11:22 AM on January 28, 2015

This makes me happy. The only problems I see are A) it's not everywhere, and B) no indication of extensive prison sentences, and C) not nearly enough brutality.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:23 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

The best defense is a bike that's not worth stealing.

Ah, the Dutch approach to the problem.

(yeah, they'll still steal your bike, but it won't bother you as much).
posted by el io at 11:25 AM on January 28, 2015

Back when I was riding, there was a guy in Somerville that used a can of awful flesh toned spray paint and several dildos overtly placed all over his bike to ensure that he never had to lock it up and that it would never be stolen. To my knowledge, it worked.
posted by Nanukthedog at 11:26 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Why Does Bike Theft Persist? Because There’s No Enforcement.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:31 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Seatylock

At first glance, I seriously thought this thread was about some Johnlock crack fic where Sherlock is the seat and John is the chain or some similar silliness. Hey, in a world with Swanlock fic, anything is possible!
posted by dialetheia at 11:38 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Like walls and fences, locks are socially constructed: you could easily get in a room by punching a hole trough a wall, yet people don't do it all that much.
posted by Monday, stony Monday at 11:52 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Oh thank god, dialetheia, I thought I was the only one.

Unrelatedly, a few months ago I walked past the Porter Square T stop and someone had somewhat ineffectually locked up a pristine carbon-fiber time trial bike, with aero bars, the whole shtick. I spent a while staring at it and trying to figure out (a) who even rides one of those through Camberville and (b) were they just banking on people being so confused by the aero bars that they wouldn't take it? That it was distinctive enough to be tough to resell? (I know triathlon folks sometimes put out APBs on the slowtwitch boards when their bikes go walking, but I don't know how often it works.)
posted by dorque at 12:09 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Hopefully this will lead to more jail time for bike thieves

Personally, I'd be happy with jail time for people who kill cyclists. As things stand, even that's virtually nonexistent at the moment.
posted by schmod at 12:13 PM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

So...Is the name of Seatylock pronounced Seat-ee-lock or City-lock? When I look at the name, I assume the former, but the guys in the video are pronouncing it (to my ears) as the latter. And I can't make up my mind if they're trying to make an awkward play on words (because they position this for urban bike riders, thus City-lock) or if, since they are apparently not native English speakers, they are pronouncing "seat" as "sit".

Anyway...It's a cool idea. I'd love to see/try one in person. I could use a new saddle, though even the introductory price is a tad steep for me.
posted by Thorzdad at 12:13 PM on January 28, 2015

So, I think that this is actually pretty cool, because a U-Lock is quite possibly the most awkward size/shape of an object to carry on a bicycle. I have yet to see a mounting option that actually works well for bikes without a pannier rack.

However, it still commits conforms to the stupidest trend implemented by every *#*ing bike lock on the market (and well-documented pet peeve of mine), and uses a weird bulky key with a big plastic handle. (If the key's especially poorly-designed, you might even get to experience the joy of having the handle snap off on a cold night while the key's inside the lock. It's a joy, let me tell you.)

Why do bike lock manufacturers insist that their keys look different from every other key in the world? Is it too much to ask for a metal key that looks like a normal key, and fits on a normal keychain? Padlocks don't have this problem. Why are bike locks so special?

</rant>
posted by schmod at 12:21 PM on January 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

From an amateur locksmith point of view, I can tell you that padlocks are trivially easy to pick, and doing so (hunched over, working directly at the lock) looks very much like using a key, so most people wouldn't notice.

If I wanted to be a bike thief, and I didn't want to use big tools, I would vastly prefer that locks used standard padlock cylinders.

As to why they make the keys so bulky? That I can't answer for you.
posted by quin at 12:30 PM on January 28, 2015

If they steal the baseball card in the spokes, they're dead meat.
posted by dr_dank at 12:49 PM on January 28, 2015

I recently saw a killer handlebar/ lock set up. The handlebars were rectangular, a solid rectangle like some touring bars with multiple hand placement options, and the whole thing had a quick release and then turned into a lock. It was very cool but I can't find it anywhere.
posted by fshgrl at 1:15 PM on January 28, 2015

It'd be cool if this was something like a plate that you could affix your own saddle.
posted by rhizome at 1:19 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

They must be pretty desperate to sell this thing if they have to claim issues with locks affecting the centre of gravity of the bike as a reason. Plus, if the device is as difficult to use as the stupid Web site they are using to promote it, I worry about their ability to create something usable.
posted by dg at 1:30 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

They jumped out, cut the lock, threw the bike in the van and drove off. The whole operation only took a couple of minutes, and no one even stopped to ask what they were doing.

I'd say it was glaringly obvious what they were doing. And I'm sure the prevailing thought of any observers was, "Sucks to be that bike's former owner."
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:38 PM on January 28, 2015

I recently saw a killer handlebar/ lock set up. The handlebars were rectangular, a solid rectangle like some touring bars

This sounds like the handlebars on the 'Denny,' winner of last year's 'ultimate urban utility bike' design competition and loaded with all sorts of innovative features that cyclists are clamoring for. (oh: previously)
posted by Flashman at 1:54 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Is that a thing? Do people really wander around with plasma cutters?

We keep at least an oxy-acetylene rig and air tools on the service truck, but I don't know if there is a plasma cutter on board or not; we could pretty much wholesale bicycle theft with that gear.

But I'd bet mostly people use bolt cutters and angle grinders. I just wouldn't want to leave a bicycle out in a high theft area. Around here the tweakers steal even the cheapest bicycles because they all have enough value to be worth the trouble.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:26 PM on January 28, 2015

And I'm sure the prevailing thought of any observers was, "Sucks to be that bike's former owner."

"... but I'm not gonna get the shit kicked out of me by three anarchist nutjobs or burned with their torch." That's a keep on walking and call the cops once you're out of earshot incident if ever I heard one.
posted by phearlez at 2:36 PM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

The best bike lock product is not new and inventive. It doesn't try to integrate a weak, DIY lock with the saddle, or the handlebars, or whatever. It doesn't compromise the strength of the lock for ease of transport, and it doesn't compromise the comfort or safety of your bike by trying to stuff a lock in there.

It's one of these.

You can make one yourself in half an hour out of an old leather belt, and then use a real, really strong U lock, made by people who only care about locks, forever. No more kickstarters. No more madness
posted by liliillliil at 3:00 PM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

It's one of these.

Crashing with a big chunk of metal strapped to my hip seems like a poor idea (not that there is a really good way to crash, but you know what I mean).
posted by Dip Flash at 3:29 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

I don't understand people's complaints about lock-to-bike-attachment. I have one of these (or a variation thereof) and it is perfectly adequate, I even take my big-arse heavy U-lock offroading and everything. I tighten it maybe twice a year.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 3:52 PM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Well, I think this looks pretty neat. I suspect there are probably problems with the design so that it doesn't serve well as either a seat or a lock. I would be pleased to be proved wrong though. Most new bike innovations aren't going to work out. I'm glad people people are still trying though. If it catches on and it works as advertised, I might get one.
posted by Loudmax at 4:19 PM on January 28, 2015

In my ideal world, there would be a way to secure my bike that's as simple and efficient as clicking the lock button on a car's key fob.

Also, I wouldn't have to carry my bike down two narrow flights of stairs just to get on the road, or up the same flights when I get home.

Also, ice cream would be good for you.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 5:51 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

This thread is making me wish there was a version of Shark Tank that instead of a panel of 5 millionaires, you had to pitch your idea to 100 regular folks, each with like $50 bucks that they would really rather not part with.

Just 30 straight minutes of some poor misguided inventor weeping while random strangers yell from the crowd... "You haven't convinced me that you've given enough thought to plasma cutters. For that reason, I'm Out!"
posted by billyfleetwood at 6:58 PM on January 28, 2015 [11 favorites]

When I was in art school, it was well known that in the fashion department the professors would fail any first year student who used peacock feathers in their designs. It was apparently an idea so terrible it occurred to all sleep deprived freshman, so they forbid it.

Can we circulate a memo to all the industrial design departments out there? No more bicycle redesigns or bicycle accessories, please for the love of God, we are talking about the most perfect machine ever created. Anyone who thinks they have a revolutionary idea for the bicycle or any of its accessories should be forced to go actually ride a bike until they see the error of their ways.
posted by bradbane at 7:08 PM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

I would bet any amount of money i could pony up that i could break this lock in a short amount of time with a really heavy rock and something to brace the lock against while i torqued the shit out of those hinges. That, or a drill with a really high quality bit, some cutting lube, and something to brace the hinge against.

This is the kind of thing we would have tried to break for shiggles when i was helping run the bike program at my high school.

I've cut through surprisingly nice seeming u locks, on the | portion of the D, with a $3 hack saw from daiso japan(for not west coast people, the coolest dollar store chain evar). It destroyed the saw and made a really upsetting mess in my kitchen, but who the fuck cares? And i'm someone who thinks u locks are mostly a good solution.

This looks like a dumb joke, that i would only put on a bike i fully didn't care about that should probably cost less than the lock itself. Like the kind of bike you assemble entirely from a frame and a few leftover parts from the garbage room of your apartment building, for the price of the cheapest shittiest front wheel on craigslist.

The best defense is a bike that's not worth stealing.

is this a thing that exists? i thought it was, but then a tweaker stole both my 24in little kids mountain bike(while it was locked! INSIDE A BUILDING!), and my beat up old road bike that looked like garbage(huge rusty paint chips, among other things) but had tons of sentimental value got ripped off TWICE. The second time they literally stole just a bare frame i had outside to start on a repaint/rebuild.

...While i opened my window and yelled at them, naked.

I've also had friends get hilariously shit bikes ripped off. like terrible 70s schwinns they found in free piles, or horribly rattlecanned mountain bikes pulled out of dumpsters. hell, in high school we made hilarious bikes with various colors of pink/magenta spray paint and little kids frames with giant seatposts and makeshift apehangers. MOST of them got stolen, when you could literally only ride them maybe 10mph if your legs were moving at like 1200rpm.

I guess i live in the property crime capital of america, but still. when i hear about gonzo bike theft i think of the bay and NYC. But people will seriously steal anything with wheels that rolls here. Even stuff WITHOUT wheels to go sell it to the scrap yard and buy more heroin.
posted by emptythought at 7:30 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

When I was in art school, it was well known that in the fashion department the professors would fail any first year student who used peacock feathers in their designs. It was apparently an idea so terrible it occurred to all sleep deprived freshman, so they forbid it.

i can't find the screengrab, but i audibly guffawed when a friends culinary program required a long essay and presentation on a unique ingredient or condiment, and in gigantic bold letters had a huge proclamation that sriracha was forbidden, and writing anything about it was an automatic 0.

It encouraged you to go to a friend or family members kitchen to search for something interesting.

And restated that ban.

I can't even remember the last time i saw something that made me actually laugh that hard.
posted by emptythought at 7:32 PM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

But does Hal Ruzal approve?
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:22 PM on January 28, 2015

Carry a small bicycle pump in your bag and let the air out of the tires if you're going to leave your bike for a long time (also lock it). No-one wants to steal a bike with flat tires.
posted by L.P. Hatecraft at 8:51 PM on January 28, 2015

Saddles are too personal and important (ergonomically, and, for some folks, aesthetically) to be selected by one's lock-maker.
posted by applemeat at 9:04 AM on January 29, 2015

No-one wants to steal a bike with flat tires.

Sadly, not so. Many thieves operate with trucks or just strip for parts. A flat, but unlocked front wheel wouldn't last long in even my small city.
posted by bonehead at 10:28 AM on January 29, 2015

evidenceofabsence: "
Unless you're detaching your seat and taking it with you every time, there's nothing preventing this hypothetical crankhound from doing the same thing."

Yes, this is the point and what I've had to do in the past.
posted by boo_radley at 11:47 AM on January 29, 2015

The second time they literally stole just a bare frame i had outside to start on a repaint/rebuild.

...While i opened my window and yelled at them, naked.

Given that, maybe the point of the theft for them wasn't getting the frame.
posted by phearlez at 12:22 PM on January 29, 2015