Sparkly Vampires!

March 27, 2015 5:58 PM

I want to give you a brief window into my life in this little corner of journalistic endeavor. Ready? Here goes. Today, the Verge newsroom got into a heated debate about whether or not vampires can poop. I'm not kidding.

This is the greatest Yahoo! Answer on whether vampires can poop
posted by jenkinsEar (55 comments total)

So they can in fact poop - it would just be difficult, disgusting, and accompanied by copious vomiting.
posted by mrbigmuscles at 6:01 PM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

... and bumblebees can't fly.
posted by jcrcarter at 6:03 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

My favorite part is that our expert is Lord Bearclaw of Gryphon Woods. Gods bless the internet, it brings me such joy.
posted by Deoridhe at 6:07 PM on March 27, 2015 [30 favorites]

Do they do that thing vampire bats do, where they pee as they feed so they can minimize their weight as they get into the air?

Because that would certainly lend a whole new and interesting dimension to Anne Rice, that's all I'm saying.
posted by sciatrix at 6:07 PM on March 27, 2015 [29 favorites]

The best visual for this is from Neil Gaiman's "Snow, Glass, Apples"

She straddled him, and she fed. As she did so a thin blackish liquid began to dribble from between her legs…

posted by leotrotsky at 6:17 PM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

Bumblebees can, in fact, fly. Can we lose this pseudo-science idea, please?
posted by SPrintF at 6:18 PM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

Somebody alert the McElroy brothers that The Verge is horning in on their turf.
posted by Cash4Lead at 6:18 PM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]

Depends on the vampires, obviously.
posted by kafziel at 6:18 PM on March 27, 2015

Do they do that thing vampire bats do, where they pee as they feed

Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan came up with something much grosser for their Strain trilogy: When their parasitic vampires feed, their new physiognomy requires them to expel excess liquid out their rectums in an ammoniac spray. So, yes, they essentially produce vampire bat guano.
posted by Doktor Zed at 6:21 PM on March 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

The traditional Maasai diet included plenty of blood and very little dietary fiber. Too bad their bathroom habits weren't better documented before the introduction of modern farmed foods.
posted by peeedro at 6:23 PM on March 27, 2015

I saw blood vomits in "What We Do In The Shadows," which is a totally real documentary in which I totally (want to) believe.

But they did not discuss poops.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 6:30 PM on March 27, 2015 [7 favorites]

Somebody alert the McElroy brothers that The Verge is horning in on their turf.

Stealing their swag, just like Terry Gross.
posted by drezdn at 6:34 PM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]

The question this answer seems to be imagining is, if a human ate nothing but blood, would they poop?

Obviously, Vampires are not human -- and have a completely separate set of internal organs which functions differently, and in fact only resemble humans for the same reasons Myrmarachne Spiders resemble ants - in order to prey on them. Whether Vampire digestive processes end in something resembling human pooping is a question it seems this answer does not cover.
posted by Rinku at 6:40 PM on March 27, 2015 [22 favorites]

The digestion of all those red blood cells would produce enormous amounts of bilirubin. If vampires didn't poop, the buildup of bilirubin in their bodies would cause severe jaundice. We're talking golden-yellow skin. But vampires are notoriously pale. Ergo, vampires must poop.
posted by dephlogisticated at 6:41 PM on March 27, 2015 [14 favorites]

I'll give up my pseudo-science when you pry it from my cold undead vampirical digestive tract
posted by jcrcarter at 6:53 PM on March 27, 2015 [7 favorites]

This ignores the defining characteristic of vampires, which is that the blood ingested provides far more energy than can be accounted for through simple digestion. The blood provides the vampire with what essentially amounts to superpowers. Hence the blood is undergoing a completely different chemical process. This process must therefore burn through the fuel at an effectively perfect rate of efficiency, leaving virtually no waste behind. This is also why vampires can fly. They are extremely gassy.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:53 PM on March 27, 2015 [15 favorites]

Goddamn even The Verge is chompin' on MBMBAM's flave now.
posted by kmz at 7:00 PM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

Indigestible bulk continues through the intestines, turning a dark brown from the bile.

*crosses "Why is poop brown?" off the AskMe list*
posted by billiebee at 7:04 PM on March 27, 2015 [13 favorites]

Vampires may or may not poop, but does spider have pusspuss?
posted by dilaudid at 7:06 PM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

Everyone knows that when vampires "drink" blood, what they're actually doing is transferring all the midichlorians from the host to themselves.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 7:08 PM on March 27, 2015 [11 favorites]

Cut and paste time, as it is too much work to type this out over and over and I "recycle" my own answers instead of retyping them so here goes.

So this question comes up a lot on Yahoo Answers? I guess that doesn't surprise me too much.
posted by desjardins at 7:09 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

Well, duh?? Who wouldn't know that?? ;-)
posted by harrietthespy at 7:14 PM on March 27, 2015

it's simple - the blood doesn't enter the vampire's digestive system at all - it enters its bloodstream, where by vampire means it is transformed into energy - obviously, such a blood system must be highly more efficient than any human digestive system, especially in the direct intake of the victim's blood

there are two serious flaws in this unique circulatory system - one, that seeing as it is very open to blood, it is also very open to any other energy source - sunlight, of course, overactivates the system to the point where the vampire turns into dust

also cellulose is like cyanide to a vampire's blood, causing it to clog and curdle, blocking all energy the blood must provide - this is why a wooden stake through the heart of a vampire will kill it - it's not the rending of the heart that accomplishes this, it's the action of the cellulose

garlic, although not fatal, can also over stimulate the vampire's blood system to the point of discomfort

a peculiar side effect is that seeing as the vampire's physiology is a left-handed version of our own - meaning that cells and molecules become a mirror image of human physiology, the effect of a mirror is to cancel out the negative properties of a vampire's body, thus resulting in no reflection at all

(remember that the extraordinary amount of energy gained from the vampire's feeding on human blood is more like a controlled matter/anti-matter reaction than anything else)

the only real mystery left of the vampire is the fact that they are repelled by crosses - however, it has been my observation that many mefites are also repelled by crosses - which either indicates that our site is overrun by vampires, or that vampires tend to be liberal, freethinking types

further research is needed on this
posted by pyramid termite at 7:23 PM on March 27, 2015 [38 favorites]

And vampires can shapeshift... let's discuss the biology and physics there... well depending on whose vampire mythology you subscribe.
posted by Benway at 7:24 PM on March 27, 2015

I like that neologism, "mefiles." Like X-Files, like defiled denizens of the interwebs...

Anyway, Yahoo! Answers is home to some of the most delightfully bizarre things on the Internet. See also. My husband went through a Yahoo! Answers phase once, and it was entertaining as hell.

This also makes me miss Yahoo! Graffiti. Drinking and playing trolling people on Yahoo! Graffiti while also winning would almost always make for an instant change of mood if needed. I miss it so...
posted by limeonaire at 7:28 PM on March 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

You know, I really didn't like the Zombie Survival Guide. It really had very little to do with zombie media except so far as rejecting it, saying "No this is my arbitrary definition of zombies and their rules, and everything else is stupid because it doesn't work by these rules! These things would never work, because zombies don't work like that, because I decided it doesn't."

This is basically the same thing. Yes, the biology doesn't line up. Yes, vampires pretty much require magic to work. That's part of the damn question, not a clever answer.
posted by kafziel at 7:38 PM on March 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

> Cut and paste time, as it is too much work to type this out over and over and I "recycle" my own answers instead of retyping them so here goes.

>> So this question comes up a lot on Yahoo Answers? I guess that doesn't surprise me too much.

How many times has this question come up on Yahoo Answers?
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 7:45 PM on March 27, 2015

Lord Bearclaw of Gryphon Woods has not addressed the truly burning question of our times. Do vampires sit or stand to wipe?
posted by ursus_comiter at 8:00 PM on March 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

You could also use this argument to argue that cows don't exist, because humans don't digest cellulose.
posted by Rinku at 8:05 PM on March 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

Lord Bearclaw of Gryphon Woods has not addressed the truly burning question of our times. Do vampires sit or stand to wipe?

Neither. They simply shed a layer of skin.
posted by kafziel at 8:06 PM on March 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

I so want to name a folk duo/tea room/comedy duo/luxury restaurant Bolus & Chyme
posted by sourwookie at 8:08 PM on March 27, 2015 [7 favorites]

From what I recall of Christopher Moore's "You Suck," (or maybe it was Bloodsucking Fiends, but pretty sure it was the latter) there's an entire short chapter called "The Last Poop."

Also, do zombies poop? We haven't covered that yet tonight.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:20 PM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

And uuuuurrrr deeming an rpnade with anus shades

*falls over*
posted by halifix at 9:47 PM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

I don't like this. no one has addressed celerity.
posted by dorian at 10:09 PM on March 27, 2015 [6 favorites]

Seems like more a vicissitude thing.
posted by kafziel at 10:18 PM on March 27, 2015 [5 favorites]

how is poopy formed
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:35 AM on March 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

This whole discussion reminds me of the time a friend (a grown, literate man - a writer, no less) professed certainty that Sherlock Holmes in fact wrote the Sherlock Holmes stories.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:37 AM on March 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

How ridiculous. Watson wrote them.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:34 AM on March 28, 2015 [12 favorites]

Probably very relevant.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 5:29 AM on March 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

*crosses "Why is poop brown" off the AskMe list.*

You are doing this too soon.

Poop is brown because of bilirubin, and urobilinogen, its breakdown product.
posted by kinnakeet at 6:21 AM on March 28, 2015

Yeah, while entertaining, I feel like any scientific debunking of vampires can be debunked by "because magic, like, duh." Zombies, though. Romero zombies seem to be science fiction creatures more than they are fantasy ones, and I think these are fair things to consider.

Like: Do zombies need to eat for biological reasons, or is this a compulsive behavior? The Walking Dead (and probably other zombie stories) establishes that unfed zombies go into a dormant state, so if they do require meat for nutrition, this explains why they wouldn't starve to death during lean times. Apparently their rate of decomposition slows down or stops altogether during this "coma." Which leads me to wonder --

You know: At what rate does a zombie, versus an inanimate dead body, rot? Vampires don't rot at all (although they are sometimes seen to decompose rapidly at death). But zombies obviously do. Right away, a zombie often has a deathly pallor, and carries whatever wounds brought it to the end of its original, non-zombie existence. Before long, however, we see the signs of decomposition. The generally low budgets of zombie movies are probably all that have shielded us from the sight of zombies whose stomachs are swollen with gas, whose flesh is boiling with insect larvae, et cetera...all the really rank stuff that happens to the human body when left dead to the elements. Point being: Zombies rot. So how long does it take for a zombie to decompose to the point of just falling apart? And if the brain is all that's keeping the zombie up and moving, could sufficient brain rot (or insect infestation, maybe) kill a zombie before the entire body went bad?

And then: Once again, what does nutrition do for the zombie's body? If cannibalism is just compulsive, then the answer is nothing. In that case, we have to wonder if a zombie's stomach might eventually burst from consuming material it cannot digest. If the answer is something, though, then this could mean that feeding slows the rate of decomposition. That makes a zombie super-dangerous when combined with the ability to go dormant: It would effectively mean that the zombie cannot rot while "sleeping," and will usually only be awake when there's food around. That would make the zombie, barring misadventure (well, further misadventure; it obviously was turned into a zombie already, so it's a little late to bar misadventure completely), basically immortal.

As well as something that totally poops. Because if it's gaining nutrition, it's digesting, and if it's digesting, it's either excreting or exploding. While I would not put it past the filmmakers of today to concoct a zombie whose secret power is bursting into a Roman candle full of blazing shit, I would remember having seen this in a film, so I don't think it's happened yet. Anyway, I think this means zombies may poop -- depending on how exactly the zombie functions -- and if they do, they clearly do not clean up after themselves.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 6:38 AM on March 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

MetaFilter: difficult, disgusting, and accompanied by copious vomiting.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:46 AM on March 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

I can't remember now where in the vampire canon I read this, but there's some vampire books that claim vampires don't even have organs anymore. Their insides are just kind of a sponge filled with blood. Maybe one of the White Wolf books?
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:51 AM on March 28, 2015

They transfer waste through the magical power of seduction. That's why whenever someone is glamoured they need to take a big shit afterwards.
posted by CyborgHag at 9:47 AM on March 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

If vampires can come out in the daytime, sparkle, and make stupid Emo faces, then they could jolly well make ropy rage shits like the rest of us.
posted by dr_dank at 9:49 AM on March 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

*crosses "Why is poop brown" off the AskMe list.*

Dear AskMe,
Why is my poop < insert some other color >?
posted by BlueHorse at 8:42 PM on March 28, 2015

Because you ate that thing we urged you not to eat.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:15 PM on March 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Blavod, a coloured vodka product, will indeed turn one's poop Goose-poop green.
posted by porpoise at 11:01 AM on March 29, 2015

So will things with certain blue food dyes.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:10 AM on March 29, 2015

Boo Berry.
posted by kafziel at 11:47 AM on March 29, 2015

Poo Berry. Goes well with Pepsi Poo.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:51 AM on March 29, 2015

Poo Berry.

I will fight you.
posted by kafziel at 1:16 PM on March 29, 2015

I don't think you'll like my special attack.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:30 PM on March 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

I mean, if you want real information about vampires...
posted by cthuljew at 1:54 PM on March 29, 2015

Hmm, I can't find it, but I've read something along the lines of: vampires and zombies are both undead, capable of living without oxygen, capable of "surviving" horrible wounds, feeding on humans.

So: Zombies are what you get if you botch the transition to vampire. The theory was that the transition from human to undead is really important; after the transition, the brain will be fine, but if it's deprived of oxygen before the transition is complete, the damage can be irreversible.
posted by Pronoiac at 12:52 AM on March 31, 2015