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April 21, 2015 10:03 AM Subscribe
I have seen number 8 "Go back a slide" done so many times. Not sure if the guy who used to do it really wanted to make sure that he had all the information or if he had read something like this.
posted by A Bad Catholic at 10:17 AM on April 21, 2015
posted by A Bad Catholic at 10:17 AM on April 21, 2015
I am always doing #4 -- just writing down what people say in meetings and nodding. People are always so flattered you're so keen on what they say that you're taking notes. Funnily enough, in college I did the exact opposite: just stared at the professor with arms folded while everyone else was bent over their notebooks scribbling away. Once every great while I would make a big deal of unfolding my arms, finding a pen, and writing down one or two words. I know the Profs were curious as hell to know which one of their pearls I had deigned to commit to paper.
posted by chavenet at 10:18 AM on April 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 10:18 AM on April 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
Looked for "not call meetings unless it's vitally necessary" but I didn't see it on there. (Don't mind me, I have merit badges in attending countless meetings that could have been an e-mail.)
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 10:19 AM on April 21, 2015 [30 favorites]
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 10:19 AM on April 21, 2015 [30 favorites]
As someone who has three meetings on his work calendar today, I appreciate this. Also, stop calling goddamn meetings. I'm trying to work.
posted by dortmunder at 10:21 AM on April 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by dortmunder at 10:21 AM on April 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
...Stop...calling...meetings... OK got it. Can we take a step back though?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:22 AM on April 21, 2015 [50 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:22 AM on April 21, 2015 [50 favorites]
Ctrl+F "sigh heavily while rolling eyes"
Hmm...
I have merit badges in attending countless meetings that could have been an e-mail.)
Not a merit badge, but...
posted by phunniemee at 10:26 AM on April 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
Hmm...
I have merit badges in attending countless meetings that could have been an e-mail.)
Not a merit badge, but...
posted by phunniemee at 10:26 AM on April 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
Has Legal seen this?
posted by Kabanos at 10:29 AM on April 21, 2015 [34 favorites]
posted by Kabanos at 10:29 AM on April 21, 2015 [34 favorites]
These are good. It's been a while since I've seen the Venn Diagram thing, but I did have one boss who would make at least one at every meeting no matter how little sense it made. He would also do most of the others regularly and had copies of Who Moved My Cheese?, The 7 Habits, Six Sigma, etc. prominently displayed in his office. I think that's where he got most of these ideas and he took them very seriously.
My big don't is -- don't bring a laptop of tablet, of you will just end up playing with it or answering emails, and everyone will know what you are doing.
Yeah me too, but there are many people at my office who take that as a sign that I'm not busy. If I don't bring a laptop and hammer away on it with other work during a meeting (about 50% do this) then I must not have enough to do. Silly me, I thought it was just respectful to give my attention to the topic at hand no matter how stupid I might think it is that I am in the particular meeting or even that the meeting exists in the first place.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 10:29 AM on April 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
My big don't is -- don't bring a laptop of tablet, of you will just end up playing with it or answering emails, and everyone will know what you are doing.
Yeah me too, but there are many people at my office who take that as a sign that I'm not busy. If I don't bring a laptop and hammer away on it with other work during a meeting (about 50% do this) then I must not have enough to do. Silly me, I thought it was just respectful to give my attention to the topic at hand no matter how stupid I might think it is that I am in the particular meeting or even that the meeting exists in the first place.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 10:29 AM on April 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
This one about email is pretty great too. Although, too be fair, unlike meetings which I've always found to pretty uniformly distributed over the spectrum of Mostly Useful to Mostly Useless, I feel like emails form a binary distribution centered on Entirely Useless and Very Useful.
posted by johnnydummkopf at 10:32 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by johnnydummkopf at 10:32 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
If I don't bring a laptop and hammer away on it with other work during a meeting (about 50% do this) then I must not have enough to do.
So around half, then?
posted by griphus at 10:36 AM on April 21, 2015 [48 favorites]
So around half, then?
posted by griphus at 10:36 AM on April 21, 2015 [48 favorites]
Mod note: Swapped the link for the original source.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:36 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:36 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
just stared at the professor with arms folded while everyone else was bent over their notebooks scribbling away
I used to do this in meetings, and now I don't get invited to meetings anymore. I think I won that particular contest.
posted by backseatpilot at 10:38 AM on April 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
I used to do this in meetings, and now I don't get invited to meetings anymore. I think I won that particular contest.
posted by backseatpilot at 10:38 AM on April 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
Has Legal seen this?
Haha, you got me, this is my favorite "Appear smart in a meeting" tactic - reference some other group that's probably already involved, to show off your organizational know-how. In my line of work it's usually, "Has anyone touched base with Safety? They should be involved on this!"
posted by muddgirl at 10:40 AM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Haha, you got me, this is my favorite "Appear smart in a meeting" tactic - reference some other group that's probably already involved, to show off your organizational know-how. In my line of work it's usually, "Has anyone touched base with Safety? They should be involved on this!"
posted by muddgirl at 10:40 AM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
My big don't is -- don't bring a laptop of tablet, of you will just end up playing with it or answering emails, and everyone will know what you are doing.
Which is telling the world, "Waste of life!"
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 10:40 AM on April 21, 2015
Which is telling the world, "Waste of life!"
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 10:40 AM on April 21, 2015
If I don't bring a laptop and hammer away on it with other work during a meeting (about 50% do this) then I must not have enough to do.
So around half, then?
More like four out of eight, on average.
posted by chavenet at 10:41 AM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
So around half, then?
More like four out of eight, on average.
posted by chavenet at 10:41 AM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
...Stop...calling...meetings... OK got it. Can we take a step back though?
One step?
So, one out of one steps.
posted by entropone at 10:42 AM on April 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
One step?
So, one out of one steps.
posted by entropone at 10:42 AM on April 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
Kabanos: "Has Legal seen this?"
I'm concerned about what Internal Audit's response might be.
~tents fingers~
posted by boo_radley at 10:45 AM on April 21, 2015 [12 favorites]
I'm concerned about what Internal Audit's response might be.
~tents fingers~
posted by boo_radley at 10:45 AM on April 21, 2015 [12 favorites]
As soon as you find yourself talking to someone about something only you and they care about, say, "Why don't we take this off line?" You'll have everyone's gratitude for moving the meeting past something they weren't involved in. And then you can start doing it to other people when you're not included. The average two-hour meeting can get cut down to half an hour if people just stop doing the goddamn one-on-one shit in the middle.
posted by Etrigan at 10:45 AM on April 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 10:45 AM on April 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
Actually, the meetings that I do have to go usually involve giant pissing matches to see who's the biggest asshole, who is then crowned Winner of the Meeting. The government doesn't trust the contractors, the contractors don't trust us, and the government thinks we're overpriced wonks. It's fingerpointing all around! My absolute favorite line from one of these big design review meetings was after a contractor engineer gave a (in my opinion) perfectly reasonable, well thought out presentation about a highly technical topic (one that I happen to be the subject matter expert in on our side), and one of the government assholes engaged in aforementioned dick waving competition raised his hand with this smug, shit-eating grin on his face.
"That's all well and good," he said with a giant smirk on his face, "but how can you be sure you did this work correctly?"
If you want to stop a meeting dead, that's how you do it. Sure, you'll finally prove to the experts that you're a fucking moron, but who cares about those pencilneck eggheads, anyway?
posted by backseatpilot at 10:48 AM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
"That's all well and good," he said with a giant smirk on his face, "but how can you be sure you did this work correctly?"
If you want to stop a meeting dead, that's how you do it. Sure, you'll finally prove to the experts that you're a fucking moron, but who cares about those pencilneck eggheads, anyway?
posted by backseatpilot at 10:48 AM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
Allow me to illustrate with the following Venn Diagram:
A: People Who Regularly Read Fast Company
B: People Who This Slideshow Rightfully Mocks
posted by leotrotsky at 10:50 AM on April 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
ooo OOO OOO ooo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO A OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO B OOo
oOO OOo
oO OOo
oOO OOo
oOO OOo
ooo OOO OOO ooo
A: People Who Regularly Read Fast Company
B: People Who This Slideshow Rightfully Mocks
posted by leotrotsky at 10:50 AM on April 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
Let's just take a step back. No, I was wrong, I'm sorry, take a step forward. Now, take a step back. A step forward. A step back. And now we're cha-cha-ing!
posted by daveliepmann at 10:51 AM on April 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by daveliepmann at 10:51 AM on April 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
Red Buttons Failure
(or the ultimate usefulness of totally changing the subject)
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:52 AM on April 21, 2015
(or the ultimate usefulness of totally changing the subject)
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:52 AM on April 21, 2015
If I don't bring a laptop and hammer away on it with other work during a meeting (about 50% do this) then I must not have enough to do.
Well, maybe, In most cases, they all know you are just farting around with your email, and this can be used against you, too. Basically, damned if you do and damned if you don't. Like most meetings.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:55 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Well, maybe, In most cases, they all know you are just farting around with your email, and this can be used against you, too. Basically, damned if you do and damned if you don't. Like most meetings.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:55 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
"I don't necessarily disagree, but I really think that's a parking lot item".
posted by KGMoney at 10:59 AM on April 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by KGMoney at 10:59 AM on April 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
My meeting load has dropped a lot in the last year, partly because both my college and department cut back on meetings but also because I rotated out of a position where I went to a lot of meetings. A lot of meetings. God, how many meetings.
I once left a meeting to rush to a meeting. On the way, I ran into someone and had a mini-meeting about another meeting. Then I continued to the meeting. That meeting made me late for a meeting, where I checked my email (bad, I know, but) and found that someone I could not say no to (SICNSNT) wanted a meeting. I excused myself, went out of the room to make a call to SICNSNT's secretary, found he was free in half an hour, went back inside, excused myself by name-dropping SICNSNT, then left for that meeting.
I did not feel smart.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:00 AM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
I once left a meeting to rush to a meeting. On the way, I ran into someone and had a mini-meeting about another meeting. Then I continued to the meeting. That meeting made me late for a meeting, where I checked my email (bad, I know, but) and found that someone I could not say no to (SICNSNT) wanted a meeting. I excused myself, went out of the room to make a call to SICNSNT's secretary, found he was free in half an hour, went back inside, excused myself by name-dropping SICNSNT, then left for that meeting.
I did not feel smart.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:00 AM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
people used to get all stressed about me txting in meetings, which i do because typing is a fucking hassle for me on both keyboards and touchscreens, but my thumbs work fine and fast, and i can send my email various discussion points in nice brief lines. so i was like "fine, i'll stop, but one of you guys needs to send me the meeting minutes that you're taking on your laptops" and suddenly no one wanted to complain anymore.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:00 AM on April 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:00 AM on April 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
but on the other hand unfortunately now everyone knows when i have my ipad in meetings i'm just playing draw something.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:01 AM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:01 AM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
> I did have one boss who ... had copies of Who Moved My Cheese?, The 7 Habits, Six Sigma, etc. prominently displayed in his office.
♫♫♫
In the eighth meeting today
My boss he said to meeeeee ...
Eight Proven Strategies,
Seven Effective Habits,
Six Sigma Metrics,
Fiiiive Teeeeeeam Dysfunctions .......
Four Minute Work Week,
Three Minute Summary,
Two Types of Workers,
And a Manager with only One Minute.
posted by benito.strauss at 11:05 AM on April 21, 2015 [62 favorites]
♫♫♫
In the eighth meeting today
My boss he said to meeeeee ...
Eight Proven Strategies,
Seven Effective Habits,
Six Sigma Metrics,
Fiiiive Teeeeeeam Dysfunctions .......
Four Minute Work Week,
Three Minute Summary,
Two Types of Workers,
And a Manager with only One Minute.
posted by benito.strauss at 11:05 AM on April 21, 2015 [62 favorites]
There's nothing in there about stakeholders. In my last job, someone had to bring up "stakeholders" in every meeting. If I got called on and had no idea what was going on, I would just say "something something stakeholders." If you were eavesdropping you would have though we were vampire hunters.
posted by marxchivist at 11:10 AM on April 21, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by marxchivist at 11:10 AM on April 21, 2015 [20 favorites]
These are all painfully familiar from meetings I attend daily, but a version of #5 ("Repeat the last thing the engineer said but very, very slowly") is basically my job.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:16 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:16 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
'Where is the pain?' is a question that works really well for me.
posted by colie at 11:17 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by colie at 11:17 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I like bleeding edge, edge, bleedy, edge bleeding bleeding edges like this.
Given that there are 1,199 minutes of productivity remaining until the weekend, this is game changing for strategizing decisioners looking to value add cross-segment stakeholders and empower our core competancies.
My action items require me to level set with corporate, so let's put this in the parking lot for now.
Good seeing you buddy. Kudos!
posted by Smedleyman at 11:18 AM on April 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
Given that there are 1,199 minutes of productivity remaining until the weekend, this is game changing for strategizing decisioners looking to value add cross-segment stakeholders and empower our core competancies.
My action items require me to level set with corporate, so let's put this in the parking lot for now.
Good seeing you buddy. Kudos!
posted by Smedleyman at 11:18 AM on April 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
I do number 10 without fail. I say, "God, I wish I was dead," in every meeting. With conviction. Because I don't just want to look smart. I want to look FUCKING SMART! And borderline suicidal. Makes people reluctant to give me new tasks in the meeting - or to invite me to the next meeting. That there's a Venn Diagram full of WIN WIN WIN!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:19 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:19 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Given that there are 1,199 minutes of productivity remaining until the weekend, this is game changing for strategizing decisioners looking to value add cross-segment stakeholders and empower our core competancies.
I am going to leverage this concept toward actualizing our mission statement moving forward.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:21 AM on April 21, 2015
I am going to leverage this concept toward actualizing our mission statement moving forward.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:21 AM on April 21, 2015
How synergistic of you.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:22 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:22 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
See, you think you're saying "I was late, can you recap what you've covered?" but what I'm hearing is "I've volunteered to become an immediate organ donor, please remove my liver and still beating heart."
posted by eriko at 11:28 AM on April 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by eriko at 11:28 AM on April 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
As soon as you find yourself talking to someone about something only you and they care about, say, "Why don't we take this off line?"
For us, that's code for, "let's not argue about that in front of all these other people." Which is also useful.
posted by smackfu at 11:37 AM on April 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
For us, that's code for, "let's not argue about that in front of all these other people." Which is also useful.
posted by smackfu at 11:37 AM on April 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
I'm reading this during a meeting right now.
posted by slogger at 11:39 AM on April 21, 2015 [42 favorites]
posted by slogger at 11:39 AM on April 21, 2015 [42 favorites]
As soon as you find yourself talking to someone about something only you and they care about, say, "Why don't we take this off line?"
Whenever someone tries to do that in one of my meetings, I like to start a fight over whether to take the issue "off line", or to the "parking lot".
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:41 AM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
Whenever someone tries to do that in one of my meetings, I like to start a fight over whether to take the issue "off line", or to the "parking lot".
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:41 AM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm reading this during a meeting right now.
I was too. Except that nobody showed for the meeting but me. Nobody cancelled, they just didn't show, leaving me sitting for fifteen minutes. My loneliness: Will it scale?
posted by mittens at 11:45 AM on April 21, 2015 [39 favorites]
I was too. Except that nobody showed for the meeting but me. Nobody cancelled, they just didn't show, leaving me sitting for fifteen minutes. My loneliness: Will it scale?
posted by mittens at 11:45 AM on April 21, 2015 [39 favorites]
I have seen number 8 "Go back a slide" done so many times.
I do this all the time, but mainly because I seem to sit in a lot of meetings where someone presents a slide that says "This program will automate our handling of XQZ files and eat a shit-ton of babies" and the presenter tries to move on after 15 seconds of "Yay! Automation!" talk.
posted by psoas at 11:48 AM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
I do this all the time, but mainly because I seem to sit in a lot of meetings where someone presents a slide that says "This program will automate our handling of XQZ files and eat a shit-ton of babies" and the presenter tries to move on after 15 seconds of "Yay! Automation!" talk.
posted by psoas at 11:48 AM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Taking a meeting to the parking lot sounds like an invitation for physical violence, which to be honest would be the simplest, least painful resolution to plenty of meetings I have attended.
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:49 AM on April 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:49 AM on April 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
I know the Profs were curious as hell to know which one of their pearls I had deigned to commit to paper.
I'm not a professor but I do give lectures and seminars, and while I've not been interested in what the students write down, one student once volunteered that information to me. It was during a seminar in which a student's response covered too many issues too hastily, and apparently - I have no recollection of it myself - I said "There are many issues to address here and I'm not sure where to start, so I'm just going to open my mouth and start talking." That was what the student had written down.
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:52 AM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm not a professor but I do give lectures and seminars, and while I've not been interested in what the students write down, one student once volunteered that information to me. It was during a seminar in which a student's response covered too many issues too hastily, and apparently - I have no recollection of it myself - I said "There are many issues to address here and I'm not sure where to start, so I'm just going to open my mouth and start talking." That was what the student had written down.
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:52 AM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
This program will automate our handling of XQZ files and eat a shit-ton of babies
And then you're like, "What are we measuring here? Is that a metric shit-ton of babies, or an English shit-ton?"
Taking a meeting to the parking lot sounds like an invitation for physical violence, which to be honest would be the simplest, least painful resolution to plenty of meetings I have attended.
We need to take this discussion out to the back alley and beat it with the butt of a gun. Then take it out to the idea farm to recover and run and play with all the other beloved ideas you've raised over the years.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:55 AM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
And then you're like, "What are we measuring here? Is that a metric shit-ton of babies, or an English shit-ton?"
Taking a meeting to the parking lot sounds like an invitation for physical violence, which to be honest would be the simplest, least painful resolution to plenty of meetings I have attended.
We need to take this discussion out to the back alley and beat it with the butt of a gun. Then take it out to the idea farm to recover and run and play with all the other beloved ideas you've raised over the years.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:55 AM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
My big don't is -- don't bring a laptop of tablet, of you will just end up playing with it or answering emails, and everyone will know what you are doing.
They may well know what I'm doing, but since they know that I have something to look at that shields my tattered soul from the clawing inanity of the meeting we never should have called in the first place, I still look pretty smart.
posted by brennen at 11:56 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
They may well know what I'm doing, but since they know that I have something to look at that shields my tattered soul from the clawing inanity of the meeting we never should have called in the first place, I still look pretty smart.
posted by brennen at 11:56 AM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
On the laptop thing: when I started out working as a project administrator (basically, a secretary), I used to have to capture minutes for meetings--sometimes with really short turnaround times (as in, we'd have three hour meetings in the mornings, three days a week, with polished meeting notes expected to be ready by the afternoon or first thing next morning). When you're expected to produce a polished written product at that pace, it makes a lot of sense to use a laptop so you can just edit your notes to get them ready to distribute, rather than copying notes out in longhand and typing them up later. Plus, it's much easier to capture what everyone says when you're typing rather than trying to keep up in longhand (especially if you suck at longhand like I do). Just my two cents.
posted by saulgoodman at 11:58 AM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by saulgoodman at 11:58 AM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
One of the biggest power plays I've ever seen is some senior official in a giant design review meeting reading a newspaper in the front row. Not even trying to fold it over and hide it behind his notepad, just a completely unfolded broadsheet smacking both of his neighbors in their faces while the presenter was trying to convey something or other.
posted by backseatpilot at 11:58 AM on April 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by backseatpilot at 11:58 AM on April 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
I type detailed notes during meetings because a) I will never pay attention to any of it if I don't, and b) being able to repeat things from earlier makes me sound on top of things, even if I'm just repeating what the engineer said very slowly. (And handwriting for me is just right out. I can barely produce a legible sticky note.) That said, I did make sure to get the actual duty of taking notes shared with the others in my position, since being The Secretary, unofficially or otherwise, is not where I want my job to go.
posted by asperity at 12:13 PM on April 21, 2015
posted by asperity at 12:13 PM on April 21, 2015
I use a tablet to take notes. I use handwriting to text with just Evernote. It works great for me because I like writing by hand and I like having text notes that if necessary I can move around to different places. I also never have to worry about losing my notes which has always been an issue for me. Even (god forbid) if I lose my tablet(notebook) I can still get them.
If I ever go into a meeting with a new person I always get questions about it. It usually ends up with me explaining my workflow and people expressing amazement at how smart it is and wow handwriting on computer!
posted by Jalliah at 12:15 PM on April 21, 2015
If I ever go into a meeting with a new person I always get questions about it. It usually ends up with me explaining my workflow and people expressing amazement at how smart it is and wow handwriting on computer!
posted by Jalliah at 12:15 PM on April 21, 2015
Has Legal seen this?
Ugh, as Legal, please don't do this. I have to look up from Meta and jump in on whatever hare-brained thing we're meeting about. But, if you must, I've got my go-to response because it's lawyers all the way down: "Our [specialist in area of hare brains] lawyer will need to see this."
posted by resurrexit at 12:24 PM on April 21, 2015 [12 favorites]
Ugh, as Legal, please don't do this. I have to look up from Meta and jump in on whatever hare-brained thing we're meeting about. But, if you must, I've got my go-to response because it's lawyers all the way down: "Our [specialist in area of hare brains] lawyer will need to see this."
posted by resurrexit at 12:24 PM on April 21, 2015 [12 favorites]
One of the great meeting time wasters? "Let's go around in a circle and get everybody's input on this." Cue 30 minutes of uncomfortable people trying to find something new to say.
Similarly, "Let's have every department check in with their status." Feel the metering grind to a halt.
I still miss my one boss who considered ten minutes to be a long time for a meeting. "Here's the update on the old issues. Any new issues? OK see you next week." It took almost as long to walk to the meeting as it did to have the meeting.
My next boss of course just had to hear from everybody. I would take notes just to stay awake. I looked at them the other day- completely incoherent with a lot of spaceship drawings.
posted by happyroach at 12:36 PM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Similarly, "Let's have every department check in with their status." Feel the metering grind to a halt.
I still miss my one boss who considered ten minutes to be a long time for a meeting. "Here's the update on the old issues. Any new issues? OK see you next week." It took almost as long to walk to the meeting as it did to have the meeting.
My next boss of course just had to hear from everybody. I would take notes just to stay awake. I looked at them the other day- completely incoherent with a lot of spaceship drawings.
posted by happyroach at 12:36 PM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
This makes me sad because implementing a variation of most of these would actually make you better at your job.
posted by ethansr at 12:57 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ethansr at 12:57 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
KGMoney: “"I don't necessarily disagree, but I really think that's a parking lot item".”
Dr Dracator: “Taking a meeting to the parking lot sounds like an invitation for physical violence, which to be honest would be the simplest, least painful resolution to plenty of meetings I have attended.”Indeed. Cf. Parking Lot Therapy
posted by ob1quixote at 1:13 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
chavenet: "People are always so flattered you're so keen on what they say that you're taking notes."
I'm a big meeting-note-taker -- it helps me pay attention as well as giving me something to glance back at later, but I had someone object vehemently that I was "Just sitting there WRITING things instead of PAYING ATTENTION" and further demand (it was a school board meeting), "Is this the kind of behavior you would tolerate from a child in a classroom? Do we teach children to just sit there and WRITE while other people TALK?"
Um ... yes?
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:21 PM on April 21, 2015 [38 favorites]
I'm a big meeting-note-taker -- it helps me pay attention as well as giving me something to glance back at later, but I had someone object vehemently that I was "Just sitting there WRITING things instead of PAYING ATTENTION" and further demand (it was a school board meeting), "Is this the kind of behavior you would tolerate from a child in a classroom? Do we teach children to just sit there and WRITE while other people TALK?"
Um ... yes?
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:21 PM on April 21, 2015 [38 favorites]
Do we teach children to just sit there and WRITE while other people TALK?
Of COURSE not. That would require teaching children to WRITE.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:35 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Of COURSE not. That would require teaching children to WRITE.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:35 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm reading this during a meeting right now.
I was too.
Waitaminute. *waves* Is that you in the other fishbowl?
posted by Smedleyman at 1:41 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was too.
Waitaminute. *waves* Is that you in the other fishbowl?
posted by Smedleyman at 1:41 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
My favorite "caught not paying attention" strategy is, "Refresh my memory, does $ISSUE only go back to 1998 (or other date I know is related but is obviously before my time), or was there a precursor system for dealing with this?" People LOVE TO ARGUE about institutional history.
I also use, "I'm sorry, I was looking up the underlying statute to be sure I understand our legal framework here, can you repeat the question?" (NB -- have the underlying statute available in a window before trying this.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:48 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I also use, "I'm sorry, I was looking up the underlying statute to be sure I understand our legal framework here, can you repeat the question?" (NB -- have the underlying statute available in a window before trying this.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:48 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am probably the only person here who likes meetings at least a little bit. Maybe the only rational person in the world who does.
I can remember working a bunch of dead-end jobs in the early and mid 90's, and was pulled into my first programming job by sheer luck at the start of the dot-com madness. My second day of work, the lead developer quit and the startup's CEO didn't have the energy to look for a new one, so he pulled me into a meeting with the designers and content experts and I had to layout the foundation of our proto-web app on the fly. I can remember thinking that only one week prior, I had been flipping pizzas and now all these yuppies (who wouldn't have given me the time of day if they saw me in the kitchen) were desperate for my opinion on how to save the project. I was being well paid for bullshitting my way out of a problem I didn't create and it was kinda fun.
So, every meeting (which fortunately aren't that frequent), I get a little bit of nostalgia and think about how much better it is than the years of making cheap pizza.
posted by honestcoyote at 1:56 PM on April 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
I can remember working a bunch of dead-end jobs in the early and mid 90's, and was pulled into my first programming job by sheer luck at the start of the dot-com madness. My second day of work, the lead developer quit and the startup's CEO didn't have the energy to look for a new one, so he pulled me into a meeting with the designers and content experts and I had to layout the foundation of our proto-web app on the fly. I can remember thinking that only one week prior, I had been flipping pizzas and now all these yuppies (who wouldn't have given me the time of day if they saw me in the kitchen) were desperate for my opinion on how to save the project. I was being well paid for bullshitting my way out of a problem I didn't create and it was kinda fun.
So, every meeting (which fortunately aren't that frequent), I get a little bit of nostalgia and think about how much better it is than the years of making cheap pizza.
posted by honestcoyote at 1:56 PM on April 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
I also use, "I'm sorry, I was looking up the underlying statute to be sure I understand our legal framework here, can you repeat the question?" (NB -- have the underlying statute available in a window before trying this.)
This works excellently in IT too. I always have a spec and a strategy open in meetings. 'Course, the upside is that... you do actually contribute to meetings that way. My best friend-colleagues and I often joke about how easy it is to look freaking brilliant when you actually do your job and only talk when you're confident about your contribution. Seriously, you can be silent 99% of the time, but all it takes is a well-placed, "interesting, functional rule FU-BAR-158 in version 12.4 specifies that the algorithm returns X based on Y, not A based on C. Could you elaborate?" You can do pretty much whatever you want once you've established a reputation with that. (...with the natural caveat that "whatever you want" when you're responsible and conscientious is probably going to be more along the lines of "post to MetaFilter when I should be reading specs" rather than "get to work two hours late".) Anyway that's me being painstakingly earnest again. we do have fun in our own terribly nerdy ways. we once put on a conf call meeting we knew was pointless but had to be present just in case, put the phone on mute, and took turns yelling at it throughout the hour. our office neighbors thought we were weird, then would drop by with their own shouted contributions. fun project, that one.
posted by fraula at 2:15 PM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
This works excellently in IT too. I always have a spec and a strategy open in meetings. 'Course, the upside is that... you do actually contribute to meetings that way. My best friend-colleagues and I often joke about how easy it is to look freaking brilliant when you actually do your job and only talk when you're confident about your contribution. Seriously, you can be silent 99% of the time, but all it takes is a well-placed, "interesting, functional rule FU-BAR-158 in version 12.4 specifies that the algorithm returns X based on Y, not A based on C. Could you elaborate?" You can do pretty much whatever you want once you've established a reputation with that. (...with the natural caveat that "whatever you want" when you're responsible and conscientious is probably going to be more along the lines of "post to MetaFilter when I should be reading specs" rather than "get to work two hours late".) Anyway that's me being painstakingly earnest again. we do have fun in our own terribly nerdy ways. we once put on a conf call meeting we knew was pointless but had to be present just in case, put the phone on mute, and took turns yelling at it throughout the hour. our office neighbors thought we were weird, then would drop by with their own shouted contributions. fun project, that one.
posted by fraula at 2:15 PM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
So I learned how to handle myself in meetings from a very young age, which is good, because I hate meeting,s but a little unfortunate, as my adult life hasn't included all that many of them, and the ones it has contained have mostly been bearable.
In TV, for instance, production meetings tend to be mercifully short. Nobody wants to be there. In theatre production meetings, things get a little different. There's usually some designer or director who needs to dick-wave. That's fine. I can prick up my ears if something relevant to my position comes up. As for my own part, here's my trick:
When asked to come to a meeting, I ask: "Sure, what's expected of me?" If the person can't answer that, I can excuse myself. If they can, I can have infinitely more-productive one-on-ones with everybody relevant beforehand and then just give a very brief overview of the topic before naming the people who are "already up to speed."
For my part, I rarely call meetings at all, but if I do, they are at a bar, preferably one with a comfortable outdoor seating area during nice weather.
That's how I appear smart.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:20 PM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
In TV, for instance, production meetings tend to be mercifully short. Nobody wants to be there. In theatre production meetings, things get a little different. There's usually some designer or director who needs to dick-wave. That's fine. I can prick up my ears if something relevant to my position comes up. As for my own part, here's my trick:
When asked to come to a meeting, I ask: "Sure, what's expected of me?" If the person can't answer that, I can excuse myself. If they can, I can have infinitely more-productive one-on-ones with everybody relevant beforehand and then just give a very brief overview of the topic before naming the people who are "already up to speed."
For my part, I rarely call meetings at all, but if I do, they are at a bar, preferably one with a comfortable outdoor seating area during nice weather.
That's how I appear smart.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:20 PM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Secret to shorter more direct meetings: Get rid of the chairs.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:25 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:25 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
In fact, here are my suggestions for better meetings:
1. Content is a liquid, not a gas: There is no reason to take up all of the time allotted. By definition, a meeting is taking people away from actual work they could be doing. Get the information shared and get out.
2. Start of the day or end of the day: Seriously, unless there's an emergency (and the type of emergency that calls for a meeting over direct conversations will be rare) there is no reason for a meeting at any other time. Start of the day gets everyone on the same page, end of the day catches everyone up and can merge into what I said above, in certain work environments (e.g., it's 4:30, let's kick down to O'Flannagan's and see where we all are, Cheryl, I know you've got to get home so we'll finish up your part before five, etc.)
3. Powerpoint needs a justification: Oftentimes it will have one. Many, many other times it will not. Nobody gets that projector unless they can legitimately state why they need it.
4. Q & A is important and has a place: Many, many times the questions people ask will have as much or more value than a presentation itself. However, this can lead to a weird culture of proving oneself by asking questions and get out of hand. Have a hard-out for Q&A that will be followed up over email. Most actually pertinent questions will come up in the general work of the day anyway, not in theory at the initiative rollout or whatever.
5. Decisions are not made in meetings: They are presented in meetings. They are not argued there, tinkered with there, or executed there. That is what one-on-ones and actual work are for.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:41 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. Content is a liquid, not a gas: There is no reason to take up all of the time allotted. By definition, a meeting is taking people away from actual work they could be doing. Get the information shared and get out.
2. Start of the day or end of the day: Seriously, unless there's an emergency (and the type of emergency that calls for a meeting over direct conversations will be rare) there is no reason for a meeting at any other time. Start of the day gets everyone on the same page, end of the day catches everyone up and can merge into what I said above, in certain work environments (e.g., it's 4:30, let's kick down to O'Flannagan's and see where we all are, Cheryl, I know you've got to get home so we'll finish up your part before five, etc.)
3. Powerpoint needs a justification: Oftentimes it will have one. Many, many other times it will not. Nobody gets that projector unless they can legitimately state why they need it.
4. Q & A is important and has a place: Many, many times the questions people ask will have as much or more value than a presentation itself. However, this can lead to a weird culture of proving oneself by asking questions and get out of hand. Have a hard-out for Q&A that will be followed up over email. Most actually pertinent questions will come up in the general work of the day anyway, not in theory at the initiative rollout or whatever.
5. Decisions are not made in meetings: They are presented in meetings. They are not argued there, tinkered with there, or executed there. That is what one-on-ones and actual work are for.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:41 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
In my experience, everyone agrees that the Stand Up Meeting is a great idea, but unfortunately management's unwilling to remove the chairs from the conference room. In fact, management likes long meetings.
posted by Rash at 2:41 PM on April 21, 2015
posted by Rash at 2:41 PM on April 21, 2015
Secret to shorter more direct meetings: Get rid of the chairs.
Sounds good on paper, until you remember that some people have legitimate medical reasons why they can't stand for long periods of time.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:51 PM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Sounds good on paper, until you remember that some people have legitimate medical reasons why they can't stand for long periods of time.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:51 PM on April 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Sounds good on paper, until you remember that some people have legitimate medical reasons why they can't stand for long periods of time.
Seems like that can be accommodated, no?
posted by Navelgazer at 2:51 PM on April 21, 2015
Seems like that can be accommodated, no?
posted by Navelgazer at 2:51 PM on April 21, 2015
If you want to draw attention to their condition, sure.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:52 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:52 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Fair point.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:53 PM on April 21, 2015
posted by Navelgazer at 2:53 PM on April 21, 2015
I put "very, very rarely has to attend meetings" under "Achievements" on my resume.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:00 PM on April 21, 2015
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:00 PM on April 21, 2015
Start of the day or end of the day
This only works if everyone has the same working hours. In most of the places I've worked, people will roll in anywhere between 7:30 and 10, and then leave anywhere between 4 and 7. This means that these meetings will require some people to come in early or stay late, while they simultaneously are in the middle of the workday for others. As disruptive as it is, I find that mid-morning or early afternoon is the only time we can have meetings and actually expect everyone to show up.
posted by primethyme at 3:28 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
This only works if everyone has the same working hours. In most of the places I've worked, people will roll in anywhere between 7:30 and 10, and then leave anywhere between 4 and 7. This means that these meetings will require some people to come in early or stay late, while they simultaneously are in the middle of the workday for others. As disruptive as it is, I find that mid-morning or early afternoon is the only time we can have meetings and actually expect everyone to show up.
posted by primethyme at 3:28 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
There are no youtube videos of how to make your own workplace dyson spheres.
posted by srboisvert at 3:37 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 3:37 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
So, I'm a techie. When in a meeting where someone is proposing a solution - particularly one that seems overcomplicated - I'm a big fan of the question "what is the actual problem we're trying to solve, here?" I'm also a big fan of being a bit self-deprecating and asking for clarification. The former helps offset the latter, because boy *howdy* there are a lot of people who get all defensive when you ask them to explain the bullshit they're spouting and the offsetting might help with the person getting defensive and definitely helps with the other folks in the meeting so I don't look like a raving harridan. So I'll go with something like "Okay, I may be confused, here, but why do we need to do this thing?" Or if I want to be more self-deprecating with a bit of humor, "Okay, pretend I'm an idiot - it's not hard - and can you explain what exactly you mean by this thing?"
posted by rmd1023 at 3:50 PM on April 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by rmd1023 at 3:50 PM on April 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
I hate meetings as much as the next person, and can also often be found answering mails while "meeting". However, when they are well-planned and well managed, meetings are essential work. I wish I knew how to get to those well-planned, well-managed meetings, though
posted by mumimor at 4:05 PM on April 21, 2015
posted by mumimor at 4:05 PM on April 21, 2015
I am always doing #4 -- just writing down what people say in meetings and nodding.
Do not do this if you are a woman unless you want to get slotted into perpetual note-taker hell. I take notes, but I'm also enough of an asshole to say firmly 'sorry, I only take notes on my own deliverables' and stick to it.
posted by winna at 4:38 PM on April 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
Do not do this if you are a woman unless you want to get slotted into perpetual note-taker hell. I take notes, but I'm also enough of an asshole to say firmly 'sorry, I only take notes on my own deliverables' and stick to it.
posted by winna at 4:38 PM on April 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
This made me lol, thank you.
Before I left my last job - but at the point where I was well and truly jack of it - I started integrating my own new meeting rules.
1. Whatever time someone would schedule, I would counter with an invite exactly half as long. People do not shit around in a fifteen minute meeting, it was great.
2. I would only accept the invite if there was an agenda - and it called out any pre-work, actions, or updates people were expected to have done beforehand. No more "just a chat about blah blah".
I suspect it made me unpopular in some quarters but I didn't give a shit, and hot damn my meeting experience improved.
posted by smoke at 5:11 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Before I left my last job - but at the point where I was well and truly jack of it - I started integrating my own new meeting rules.
1. Whatever time someone would schedule, I would counter with an invite exactly half as long. People do not shit around in a fifteen minute meeting, it was great.
2. I would only accept the invite if there was an agenda - and it called out any pre-work, actions, or updates people were expected to have done beforehand. No more "just a chat about blah blah".
I suspect it made me unpopular in some quarters but I didn't give a shit, and hot damn my meeting experience improved.
posted by smoke at 5:11 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I find meetings useful-- probably coming from a history of working on troubled projects as a consultant before stepping into the line. So many times I see organisations where everyone is working like Hell on a project and angry at everyone else for its failure, and still nobody has ever sat down to make sure that everyone wants the same thing out of the project. (And please don't tell me that doesn't happen if you just get a business analyst on board, because that really doesn't fix everything.)
So now before we start a project I force everyone into a room-- sometime for days at a time-- while we hash out the different goals and disagreements and everyone gets on board. I know the specialists hate it, but on the other hand I also hate it when people sit there and tell me that a meeting is useless and that it is perfectly clear what has to be done when it is painfully obvious that it is *not* perfectly clear or people would not be working away on different things.
I would much rather spend time on meetings in the right phase of activities than spend time in follow up and lessons learned about why we ran 6 months and 200% over budget/plan-- only to discover that finance thought we were shutting down the old system while marketing thought we were adding functionality. (Once the goals are really clear, then I completely agree with keeping meetings to a minimum and just getting the job done.)
This said, I do the "repeat what the engineer said slowly" thing. I mean, I'm a manager. I have to look smart somehow.
posted by frumiousb at 5:15 PM on April 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
So now before we start a project I force everyone into a room-- sometime for days at a time-- while we hash out the different goals and disagreements and everyone gets on board. I know the specialists hate it, but on the other hand I also hate it when people sit there and tell me that a meeting is useless and that it is perfectly clear what has to be done when it is painfully obvious that it is *not* perfectly clear or people would not be working away on different things.
I would much rather spend time on meetings in the right phase of activities than spend time in follow up and lessons learned about why we ran 6 months and 200% over budget/plan-- only to discover that finance thought we were shutting down the old system while marketing thought we were adding functionality. (Once the goals are really clear, then I completely agree with keeping meetings to a minimum and just getting the job done.)
This said, I do the "repeat what the engineer said slowly" thing. I mean, I'm a manager. I have to look smart somehow.
posted by frumiousb at 5:15 PM on April 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Do not do this if you are a woman unless you want to get slotted into perpetual note-taker hell. I take notes, but I'm also enough of an asshole to say firmly 'sorry, I only take notes on my own deliverables' and stick to it.
I solve this problem by showing the person my notes. Very few people can understand them even though they are text. Over the years I've developed my own note taking language. Usually that stops it. I rarely get asked if I could type up a readable version after. If I do I have several replies at the ready to stop that from happening.
posted by Jalliah at 5:33 PM on April 21, 2015
I solve this problem by showing the person my notes. Very few people can understand them even though they are text. Over the years I've developed my own note taking language. Usually that stops it. I rarely get asked if I could type up a readable version after. If I do I have several replies at the ready to stop that from happening.
posted by Jalliah at 5:33 PM on April 21, 2015
I like meetings. Especially late afternoon meetings. As long as they are held at the Mexican place around the corner from work, with margaritas, cerveza, and chips and salsa available. The longer they run the less afternoon traffic there is to deal with. Unfortunately few meetings at work meet these criteria. Perhaps I should make a Venn diagram.
posted by TedW at 5:42 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by TedW at 5:42 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Would we define them as customers, clients, or stakeholders?"
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:58 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:58 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Here's what you should actually be saying in 90% of all meetings you ever attend:
"No it isn't."
"No they don't."
"No you haven't."
"You didn't do that, I did."
"Nobody cares."
"This is a useless document and whoever prepared it is a moron."
"Everybody in here is an idiot."
"I actually sometimes wake up angry at how objectively pointless this entire organisation is."
"You don't deserve a single cent of the money you are earning, you are an absolute waste of space and you spend too long in the bathroom and nobody who matters likes you."
"No I don't have anything to add except I hope your train is delayed tonight and when you get home your house is on fire and all your children are trapped inside but also I hope the dog got out okay and I hope that when you find it finally it goes right for your throat."
"Shut the fuck up you worthless piece of shit you should have died years ago."
"Good meeting."
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:05 PM on April 21, 2015 [16 favorites]
"No it isn't."
"No they don't."
"No you haven't."
"You didn't do that, I did."
"Nobody cares."
"This is a useless document and whoever prepared it is a moron."
"Everybody in here is an idiot."
"I actually sometimes wake up angry at how objectively pointless this entire organisation is."
"You don't deserve a single cent of the money you are earning, you are an absolute waste of space and you spend too long in the bathroom and nobody who matters likes you."
"No I don't have anything to add except I hope your train is delayed tonight and when you get home your house is on fire and all your children are trapped inside but also I hope the dog got out okay and I hope that when you find it finally it goes right for your throat."
"Shut the fuck up you worthless piece of shit you should have died years ago."
"Good meeting."
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:05 PM on April 21, 2015 [16 favorites]
I seem to sit in a lot of meetings where someone presents a slide that says "This program will automate our handling of XQZ files and eat a shit-ton of babies"
Ha, that's the best. I love love love doing the "can we go back one slide [because I just spotted the unguarded weak spot in your data/bullshit idea and want to throw a hand grenade into it]?"
#9 is a noob move. Makes you look like you're on a leash. The real boss move is to put the phone on vibrate and on the desk, have it buzzing constantly, but refuse to look at it.
posted by ctmf at 6:09 PM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
Ha, that's the best. I love love love doing the "can we go back one slide [because I just spotted the unguarded weak spot in your data/bullshit idea and want to throw a hand grenade into it]?"
#9 is a noob move. Makes you look like you're on a leash. The real boss move is to put the phone on vibrate and on the desk, have it buzzing constantly, but refuse to look at it.
posted by ctmf at 6:09 PM on April 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
As of last week, we're trying to speed up our morning meetings -- latest strategy is to hold them standing up. 20 people jittering and pacing and walking in circles for 90 minutes! It's hugely entertaining. And exhausting. So that idea works only if one pacer is allowed at a time. Otherwise it gets weirdly (hilariously) competitive.
posted by none of these will bring disaster at 6:17 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by none of these will bring disaster at 6:17 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seems like that can be accommodated, no?
I used to be a return-to-work person, and part of my job was to find out how to accommodate various medical issues, and whether the accommodation would work for both the employee and the management group. We had this guy who had intestinal problems of some kind and had to be near a bathroom. His Dr said less than 30 feet. There was a bathroom about 30' away, but nobody liked that. So I said, "Well, you can get these nice portable toilets - they're basically a chemical toilet out of an RV with a nice wood exterior." (See, I can be fun in meetings!)
Years later I was at some function, and the director of HR asked me who I was. When I told her she said, "You're the guy who thinks we should give everyone porta-potties for their offices!" and backed away quickly.
So, #11: Keep your damned mouth shut.
posted by sneebler at 6:19 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I used to be a return-to-work person, and part of my job was to find out how to accommodate various medical issues, and whether the accommodation would work for both the employee and the management group. We had this guy who had intestinal problems of some kind and had to be near a bathroom. His Dr said less than 30 feet. There was a bathroom about 30' away, but nobody liked that. So I said, "Well, you can get these nice portable toilets - they're basically a chemical toilet out of an RV with a nice wood exterior." (See, I can be fun in meetings!)
Years later I was at some function, and the director of HR asked me who I was. When I told her she said, "You're the guy who thinks we should give everyone porta-potties for their offices!" and backed away quickly.
So, #11: Keep your damned mouth shut.
posted by sneebler at 6:19 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
The real boss move is to put the phone on vibrate and on the desk, have it buzzing constantly, but refuse to look at it.
PREACH IT!
...except that, um, that's completely my trick mister-sir and if you would please to be not mentioning it I may yet garner some success thereby.
posted by aramaic at 6:38 PM on April 21, 2015
PREACH IT!
...except that, um, that's completely my trick mister-sir and if you would please to be not mentioning it I may yet garner some success thereby.
posted by aramaic at 6:38 PM on April 21, 2015
I look smart at meetings by not going to them. People say "Wow, you're never at meetings. What are you working on?" And I say "Can't talk now, in a hurry." Can't say it's done much for my career but it keeps me calm. (These headphones? I'm wearing them for a reason.) Baleo.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:09 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by octobersurprise at 7:09 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
#9 is a noob move. Makes you look like you're on a leash. The real boss move is to put the phone on vibrate and on the desk, have it buzzing constantly, but refuse to look at it.
I've been in several meetings lately where people just plain answered the phone and had a conversation, without leaving the meeting or even leaning back from the table.
In my old job, I had to go to lots of meetings. Often all-day meetings, and sometimes two- or three-day meetings. The slightly more fun ones were called "field tours" and most of the talking was in a van and outdoors, but it was really the same as the indoor meetings, talking about the same things with the same people. I figured out that for a lot of the people, meetings were a huge plus, way better than their day to day jobs, so there was a lot of motivation to create longer meetings out of shorter ones, and more frequent meetings in place of less frequent meetings (or, heaven forbid, web- or phone-meetings).
People like to get out of their cubicle or office, and they like chatting for hours with colleagues, so I don't predict any trend towards fewer or shorter meetings.
My new job has a lot fewer meetings, and I kind of miss them sometimes, because you are getting paid to sit there all day and yet you aren't expected to do anything more difficult than perhaps give a short presentation or argue a little.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:22 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've been in several meetings lately where people just plain answered the phone and had a conversation, without leaving the meeting or even leaning back from the table.
In my old job, I had to go to lots of meetings. Often all-day meetings, and sometimes two- or three-day meetings. The slightly more fun ones were called "field tours" and most of the talking was in a van and outdoors, but it was really the same as the indoor meetings, talking about the same things with the same people. I figured out that for a lot of the people, meetings were a huge plus, way better than their day to day jobs, so there was a lot of motivation to create longer meetings out of shorter ones, and more frequent meetings in place of less frequent meetings (or, heaven forbid, web- or phone-meetings).
People like to get out of their cubicle or office, and they like chatting for hours with colleagues, so I don't predict any trend towards fewer or shorter meetings.
My new job has a lot fewer meetings, and I kind of miss them sometimes, because you are getting paid to sit there all day and yet you aren't expected to do anything more difficult than perhaps give a short presentation or argue a little.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:22 PM on April 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've spent damn near thirty years in the corporate trenches and while I'm not a Dave Barry fan, this line is absolutely solid gold:
“Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.”
I used to have to go to this training seminar twice a week because I had to give a ten minute spiel at the end. The other trainer had fifty minutes and it was mind-numbing to hear it over and over and over again. I was just starting to come up with ideas for a fantasy novel and it occurred to me that it was a perfect opportunity to start outlining chapters. It was an incredibly productive time for me. I also had other meetings in the week, some of which were rather large and I could fade into the background outlining my book. I soon had this entirely undeserved reputation as someone who really stays on top in meetings and takes good notes. Which was far better than my reputation for the rest of my corporate career, which was most-likely-to-fall-asleep in the first half hour.
posted by Ber at 8:35 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
“Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.”
I used to have to go to this training seminar twice a week because I had to give a ten minute spiel at the end. The other trainer had fifty minutes and it was mind-numbing to hear it over and over and over again. I was just starting to come up with ideas for a fantasy novel and it occurred to me that it was a perfect opportunity to start outlining chapters. It was an incredibly productive time for me. I also had other meetings in the week, some of which were rather large and I could fade into the background outlining my book. I soon had this entirely undeserved reputation as someone who really stays on top in meetings and takes good notes. Which was far better than my reputation for the rest of my corporate career, which was most-likely-to-fall-asleep in the first half hour.
posted by Ber at 8:35 PM on April 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Gary, that sounds really interesting. How would you integrate that with what Julie had to say?"
Outcome A
"What? They're completely unrelated!"
"That sounds like it might be a risk. How do you think we should manage that?"
"Wow, that obiwan gets to the bottom of things."
Outcome B
"I...uh, well, I guess..."
"I guess you guys can think it over later."
"Without obiwan, we'd never have known Gary was a charlatan."
Outcome C
"Oh, we could do this: [insert brilliance]."
"I thought it would be something like that. Thanks Gary, I really appreciate it."
"Wow, that obiwan knows how to connect the dots and really get the best out of people."
posted by obiwanwasabi at 10:35 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Outcome A
"What? They're completely unrelated!"
"That sounds like it might be a risk. How do you think we should manage that?"
"Wow, that obiwan gets to the bottom of things."
Outcome B
"I...uh, well, I guess..."
"I guess you guys can think it over later."
"Without obiwan, we'd never have known Gary was a charlatan."
Outcome C
"Oh, we could do this: [insert brilliance]."
"I thought it would be something like that. Thanks Gary, I really appreciate it."
"Wow, that obiwan knows how to connect the dots and really get the best out of people."
posted by obiwanwasabi at 10:35 PM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was surprised that this was written by a woman because several of these look like the kind of thing that only men can do and look smart but that will get used to prove that women are dumb and don't know what they're talking about or are unprofessional, especially the thing about what numbers mean and #10. Though since functionally it's a list of things blowhards do during meetings and blowhards are usually male, I guess I can see where it's coming from.
posted by NoraReed at 12:29 AM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by NoraReed at 12:29 AM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
This is a good list. I had a boss who would toss around words like 'transmogrify' at the drop of a hat.
posted by PHINC at 4:43 AM on April 22, 2015
posted by PHINC at 4:43 AM on April 22, 2015
> "e.g., it's 4:30, let's kick down to O'Flannagan's and see where we all are ..."
No. No, no, no. Workday ENDS when workday ends. Please don't do this at 4:30.
posted by kyrademon at 4:55 AM on April 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
No. No, no, no. Workday ENDS when workday ends. Please don't do this at 4:30.
posted by kyrademon at 4:55 AM on April 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
We can get this done, as long as there's a square playing field.
posted by sneebler at 5:25 AM on April 22, 2015
posted by sneebler at 5:25 AM on April 22, 2015
I have a particular hatred for stand up meetings, mostly because people don't know how to implement them. I had a program manager who scheduled a half hour "stand up" status meeting every week... in his office. He sat behind his desk while we all stood around and briefed him. Every single one of those meetings ran at least a half hour late.
posted by backseatpilot at 5:56 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by backseatpilot at 5:56 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also I have this hanging in my cubicle and I'm thiiiis close to casually leaning a fire axe against the wall near it but I don't think my coworkers have the same sense of humor that I do.
posted by backseatpilot at 6:01 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by backseatpilot at 6:01 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
In my last job, someone had to bring up "stakeholders" in every meeting.
Snakeholder management is a crucial part of serpent leadership.
posted by grudgebgon at 7:23 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Snakeholder management is a crucial part of serpent leadership.
posted by grudgebgon at 7:23 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
After I started miming loading a gun I was no longer asked to participate...
posted by judson at 8:07 AM on April 22, 2015
posted by judson at 8:07 AM on April 22, 2015
Whenever someone stands at the front of the room with a marker and a blank pad on a flip chart, call out "communication,"
I am in a meeting right now and did this and everyone nodded thoughtfully.
I also had a beautiful moment five minutes ago where the guy at the front had a slide up on "employee engagement" and four of the five people at my table were fixed on their smartphones.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:39 AM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
I am in a meeting right now and did this and everyone nodded thoughtfully.
I also had a beautiful moment five minutes ago where the guy at the front had a slide up on "employee engagement" and four of the five people at my table were fixed on their smartphones.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:39 AM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
C...can I just stop here and say this.
*deep breath*
I respect the hell out of all of you. It's...it's an honor to work with you all. And I hope I can live up the fine example you have set for me.
Sorry, sorry...
*remove glasses if you have them*
*pinch bridge of nose*
*sniff ever so gently*
*clear throat*
Please. Continue. You were saying -
You'll never have to worry about going hungry.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:46 AM on April 22, 2015
*deep breath*
I respect the hell out of all of you. It's...it's an honor to work with you all. And I hope I can live up the fine example you have set for me.
Sorry, sorry...
*remove glasses if you have them*
*pinch bridge of nose*
*sniff ever so gently*
*clear throat*
Please. Continue. You were saying -
You'll never have to worry about going hungry.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:46 AM on April 22, 2015
Bring a laptop, keep working. "Really sorry guys, I'll have to multitask today." Also works on conference calls: "I'm here but I'm dealing with something else too, I'll jump in if I need to."
If you don't know what someone's talking about, ask them - chances are, you're not the only one and everyone will be grateful. Sometimes the thing you asked about is poorly understood even by the person speaking, and by bringing attention to it you expose the real problem to solve.
I like the good kind of meetings. I don't like the other kind; a 90 minute "daily standup" with 37 people over 3 continents and 4 meeting rooms was probably the worst.
posted by dickasso at 11:09 AM on April 22, 2015
If you don't know what someone's talking about, ask them - chances are, you're not the only one and everyone will be grateful. Sometimes the thing you asked about is poorly understood even by the person speaking, and by bringing attention to it you expose the real problem to solve.
I like the good kind of meetings. I don't like the other kind; a 90 minute "daily standup" with 37 people over 3 continents and 4 meeting rooms was probably the worst.
posted by dickasso at 11:09 AM on April 22, 2015
37 people over 3 continents and 4 meeting rooms
It's the unacknowledged crisis of globalization: Trying to remember on calls whether to say "Good morning," "Good afternoon," or, "I am so, so sorry, are you still in bed?"
posted by mittens at 11:21 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's the unacknowledged crisis of globalization: Trying to remember on calls whether to say "Good morning," "Good afternoon," or, "I am so, so sorry, are you still in bed?"
posted by mittens at 11:21 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have a particular hatred for stand up meetings, mostly because people don't know how to implement them. I had a program manager who scheduled a half hour "stand up" status meeting every week... in his office. He sat behind his desk while we all stood around and briefed him. Every single one of those meetings ran at least a half hour late.
This made me lol at how stupid and hilariously evil it is.
posted by threeants at 4:31 PM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
This made me lol at how stupid and hilariously evil it is.
posted by threeants at 4:31 PM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
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My big don't is -- don't bring a laptop of tablet, of you will just end up playing with it or answering emails, and everyone will know what you are doing.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:12 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]