Duck Club
July 6, 2015 8:26 PM Subscribe
Ask a Manager is a work advice site linked to sometimes on the green. In April a letter was published on a sex club at work and in June an update was sent in, with some pretty interesting details Real or fake? Commenters were divided.
My favorite part is at the end when the manager is all like, swivel around and "oh: by the way...quack quack quack." It's like a bad horror movie.
posted by threeants at 8:33 PM on July 6, 2015 [25 favorites]
posted by threeants at 8:33 PM on July 6, 2015 [25 favorites]
I've been vacillating between "joke-letter" and "letter written by someone with paranoid delusions."
posted by muddgirl at 8:38 PM on July 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by muddgirl at 8:38 PM on July 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
Dear Metafilter, I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 8:42 PM on July 6, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by a lungful of dragon at 8:42 PM on July 6, 2015 [20 favorites]
This is one of those stories where you're naive for believing it and naive for not believing it.
posted by lefty lucky cat at 8:58 PM on July 6, 2015 [51 favorites]
posted by lefty lucky cat at 8:58 PM on July 6, 2015 [51 favorites]
This is either guerrilla fiction or a long game to make Duck Club an actual thing.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:07 PM on July 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:07 PM on July 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
This does read as fake to me — who knows, maybe details were changed to protect the innocent or something — but I can relate to being 10 years older and supervising a bunch of 18 to 25 year olds at the first job for many of them. When I was working at the LGBT rights org, I supervised the street canvass for a long time, and the confluence of young, hormonal folks, an extremely sexually progressive ethos, and the fact that when I came in there were absolutely no policies or enforcement of boundaries from anyone (there wasn't even a sexual harassment policy until about a year into the job) meant that it was fertile ground for all sorts of shenanigans. I used to tell people that often I felt more like a camp counselor than a boss.
I remember having to have the, "I don't care if you're high while you work, I care if you get caught" meetings, the "If you get high, you can't be a driver" meetings, the "I think you probably didn't mean to send me a photo of your genital piercing" meetings, the "You can't just curse out bigoted assholes" meetings, the "If someone is making you uncomfortable, you've got to tell me and then I've got to follow up," meetings… People got a lot of leeway because so much of the job was performance based and we were on such thin margins that someone who was excellent at both persuasion and fundraising, like the 67-year-old guy who was absurdly racist and sexist in weird, specific ways (he wouldn't let women into his home except for his daughter, because he claimed that he could smell them for days) but who also basically carried at least half the team in fundraising sometimes for months on end. That, and we were basically rebuilding after a lot of our executive staff destroyed the faith of a lot of major donors by blowing a ton of cash on coke and meth parties (which I only found out after a couple months on the job; they were all hustled out right before I started).
It was also exacerbated by many of my bosses being younger than me and not really seeing any reason not to hook up with coworkers.
I was so glad when I was able to transfer to doing communication work full time, since then it went from me voicing concerns and being ignored to those employees no longer being my problem to supervise.
posted by klangklangston at 9:09 PM on July 6, 2015 [65 favorites]
I remember having to have the, "I don't care if you're high while you work, I care if you get caught" meetings, the "If you get high, you can't be a driver" meetings, the "I think you probably didn't mean to send me a photo of your genital piercing" meetings, the "You can't just curse out bigoted assholes" meetings, the "If someone is making you uncomfortable, you've got to tell me and then I've got to follow up," meetings… People got a lot of leeway because so much of the job was performance based and we were on such thin margins that someone who was excellent at both persuasion and fundraising, like the 67-year-old guy who was absurdly racist and sexist in weird, specific ways (he wouldn't let women into his home except for his daughter, because he claimed that he could smell them for days) but who also basically carried at least half the team in fundraising sometimes for months on end. That, and we were basically rebuilding after a lot of our executive staff destroyed the faith of a lot of major donors by blowing a ton of cash on coke and meth parties (which I only found out after a couple months on the job; they were all hustled out right before I started).
It was also exacerbated by many of my bosses being younger than me and not really seeing any reason not to hook up with coworkers.
I was so glad when I was able to transfer to doing communication work full time, since then it went from me voicing concerns and being ignored to those employees no longer being my problem to supervise.
posted by klangklangston at 9:09 PM on July 6, 2015 [65 favorites]
Wait, did he think his daughter didn't smell, or he just didn't mind her smell? And is the smell thing gender only or race related as well?
posted by axiom at 9:15 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by axiom at 9:15 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
This does read as fake to me — who knows, maybe details were changed to protect the innocent or something — but I can relate to being 10 years older and supervising a bunch of 18 to 25 year olds at the first job for many of them.
It doesn't necessarily have to be younger folks - a friend of mine worked for a company that pretty much used the office as a recruiting zone for their weekly swinger parties at a local hotel, even to the point where my friend felt like they were hiring based on that. This was a company owned by a husband and wife, and the wife was dropping subtle hints to my friend. He got out of there pretty quick.
Not much later, the firm I was working for got the job to remodel the hotel in question when it was sold, and it was apparently a pretty open secret about what went on there on Fridays. My boss talked about people doing it over the balcony rails (this was a 10+ story building) and all kinds of stuff. I got to meet the outgoing manager when I went to survey the property and...yeah.
posted by LionIndex at 9:18 PM on July 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
It doesn't necessarily have to be younger folks - a friend of mine worked for a company that pretty much used the office as a recruiting zone for their weekly swinger parties at a local hotel, even to the point where my friend felt like they were hiring based on that. This was a company owned by a husband and wife, and the wife was dropping subtle hints to my friend. He got out of there pretty quick.
Not much later, the firm I was working for got the job to remodel the hotel in question when it was sold, and it was apparently a pretty open secret about what went on there on Fridays. My boss talked about people doing it over the balcony rails (this was a 10+ story building) and all kinds of stuff. I got to meet the outgoing manager when I went to survey the property and...yeah.
posted by LionIndex at 9:18 PM on July 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
I've always marveled that we get so few obvious fakes in AskMe. Writing fake letters to advice columns practically seems like a competitive sport, to the point where I no longer believe that any question interesting enough to get published by most of these places is actually true. But throw in something sexual and it's just like... you know, you can have your fantasies without forcibly involving an advice columnist and everybody who reads it. But part of me is very much inclined, at this point, to blame the columnists for running this sort of thing. I guess that's at least a step above Dear Prudence, where I now have started to assume that the questions are just being written by other people at Slate.
posted by Sequence at 9:27 PM on July 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 9:27 PM on July 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
I feel like klang's comment is either guerrilla fiction or a long game to make Duck Club an actual thing.
posted by Xavier Xavier at 9:29 PM on July 6, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by Xavier Xavier at 9:29 PM on July 6, 2015 [16 favorites]
Having worked for a while as a canvasser, Klang's account reads true to me.
posted by kaibutsu at 9:30 PM on July 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by kaibutsu at 9:30 PM on July 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
Dear AskaManager, In west Philadelphia born and raised on the playground was where I spent most of my days chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool and all shootin some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood I got in one little fight and my mom got scared she said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'...
posted by peeedro at 9:33 PM on July 6, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by peeedro at 9:33 PM on July 6, 2015 [28 favorites]
I think this is some kind of ARG/viral marketing for the secret Howard the Duck reboot that was teased at the end of Guardians of the Galaxy.
posted by Anoplura at 9:36 PM on July 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Anoplura at 9:36 PM on July 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
This totally sounds like a Seinfeld plot. Elaine would be convinced there was an office sex duck club and nobody would believe her and it would drive her nuts. She and her manager would go to the boss and he would say they were imagining things and send them away with a smirk and a quack quack, and in the end the manager (Elaine's only confidante!) would suddenly shift alliances and act like Elaine was a crazy person making the whole thing up. Elaine would get fired, but as she was being escorted out by the security guys her manager would pick up the phone and say, "Yes, it's been dealt with... Quack quack." "No," Elaine would holler as she was being dragged out. "They got to you, too! You've become one of them!")
Either that, or it would happen to George and he would be desperate to get in. ("Look, you want a loyal, dedicated employee? Let me in on this thing, and I swear to you I will work here with a smile on my face until the day I keel over dead.") Of course he would utterly humiliate himself trying to join, only to learn that all the quack quack stuff had some innocent explanation, like it was code for an office surprise party or something. He'd get fired for making wild accusations, but as he left we'd get a glimpse of some Eyes Wide Shut-esque party with glamorous people wearing duck masks. George would end up locked outside, miserably screaming QUACK QUACK into the night.
(I must admit, the idea of an office sex duck club has a certain allure. Most jobs are so dreary and awful. Occasional orgies on the job would really help make the days fly by.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:45 PM on July 6, 2015 [128 favorites]
Either that, or it would happen to George and he would be desperate to get in. ("Look, you want a loyal, dedicated employee? Let me in on this thing, and I swear to you I will work here with a smile on my face until the day I keel over dead.") Of course he would utterly humiliate himself trying to join, only to learn that all the quack quack stuff had some innocent explanation, like it was code for an office surprise party or something. He'd get fired for making wild accusations, but as he left we'd get a glimpse of some Eyes Wide Shut-esque party with glamorous people wearing duck masks. George would end up locked outside, miserably screaming QUACK QUACK into the night.
(I must admit, the idea of an office sex duck club has a certain allure. Most jobs are so dreary and awful. Occasional orgies on the job would really help make the days fly by.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:45 PM on July 6, 2015 [128 favorites]
All I got to add is that sometimes life is like a bad horror movie. I had someone once say "Pull back the curtain..." out loud during a power outage and when I did it was... it was bad.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:50 PM on July 6, 2015
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:50 PM on July 6, 2015
My favorite part is the tampon machine dispensing condoms because I don't even think that's possible without some serious rigging.
posted by Aranquis at 10:04 PM on July 6, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by Aranquis at 10:04 PM on July 6, 2015 [18 favorites]
... make Duck Club an actual thing.
Dude. Shh!! First rule of Duck Club!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:06 PM on July 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
Dude. Shh!! First rule of Duck Club!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:06 PM on July 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
Working at a place where higher-ups act out sexually SUCKS, even if they don't act out towards any of their subordinates. The kind of people who do that are also the kind of people who can't manage effectively or take bigger and bigger risks until they break major pieces of the company.
My last job had higher-ups like that (allegedly); I don't know if there was anything formal like "duck club," but I know that I felt like I had to take a shower after the company Christmas party.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:15 PM on July 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
My last job had higher-ups like that (allegedly); I don't know if there was anything formal like "duck club," but I know that I felt like I had to take a shower after the company Christmas party.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:15 PM on July 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
EYES WIDE DUCK
--------------
It is a week before the quarterly sales review. BILL is walking down a cubicle filled corridor, past two young, attractive workers in casual officewear down a side hallway.
MALE WORKER #1: Quack.
FEMALE WORKER #1: Quack quack.
BILL raises his eyebrows slightly at this exchange but proceeds to the copier room.
INT Copier Room
BILL sees a pile of copies sitting in the out tray of the copier. He turns one over and sees a list of office areas and points. The entries start at:
PRINTER ROOM - 10 POINTS
COPY ROOM - 20 POINTS
and proceed to
JOE'S CAR - 500 POINTS
BILL'S OFFICE - 1000 POINTS
BILL puts the copy back down, and copies his own papers.
--------------------------------------
EXT OF NESSA INCORPORATED. NIGHT.
BILL is still working on a spreadsheet. He hits print and a printer icon covers the screen. He walks over to the PRINTER ROOM and tries the doorknob. It's locked. He fishes for his keys.
BILL: That's funny
BILL unlocks the door and opens it to a shot of MALE WORKER #1'S buttocks thrusting into FEMALE WORKER #2, whom we only see from her legs. The printer is dutifully spitting out pages. BILL's mouth drops and he hurriedly closes the door.
------------------------------------------------
INT BILL'S BEDROOM
BILL is sleeping alone. He's tossing and turning while the Quack Quack conversation echoes in his troubled dreams.
---------------------------------------------
INT BILL'S OFFICE. NEXT MORNING.
BILL sits down at his desk to find an EGG sitting perfectly balanced on his desk. His brows furrow before he picks up the egg and drops it in the trash.
-----------------------------------------------
Much later....
-----------------------------
INT OF NESSA INCORPORATED MEETING ROOM
BILL confronts THE ENTIRE STAFF.
BILL: I know what's going on here! I know all about your little "Duck Club"! And it's going to stop right now or you're all fired! This is unprofessional behavior.
CEO enters in grey three piece suit. The room falls silent. He is casual and confident.
CEO: Bill, don't you think this is going a little overboard?
BILL: These employees are using this office as a sex club! We're never going to meet sales projections with these... these.. shenanigans going on!
CEO: Yes, we have serious work to do. Quack Quack.
BILL: What did you just say?
CEO: Quack quack.
STAFF: (quietly at first) Quack quack.
BILL looks around panicked and notices the EXITS have been blocked by employees muttering "Quack quack". The MALE STAFF are walking slowly towards BILL at the front of the room.
BILL: Get away from me, you, you perverts!
MALE STAFF: Quack quack.
MALE STAFF all drop trousers in one semicircle around BILL to reveal GROTESQUE CORKSCREW DUCK PENISES that hang to their ankles.
CEO: Quack quack. One of duck. One of duck.
FADE TO BLACK.
---------------------------
INT BILL'S OFFICE.
BILL sits at his computer with a dull look on his face. He is printing a spreadsheet again. He gets up to go to the printer.
PAN TO BILL'S SEAT, REVEALING A BEAUTIFUL BLUE EGG.
The Endposted by benzenedream at 10:26 PM on July 6, 2015 [81 favorites]
I've traveled internationally with a guy who, quite honestly, could have had a ton of mad sex with strangers so. many. times. I'm not even kidding. The come-ons were so thick you'd have to be an ascetic monk locked away in a mountain hermitage for 30 years to not notice them. This person, who could have had so much anonymous, foreign one-night-stands in places like Tokyo, Shanghai, and Bangkok?
Not even once.
How do I know this? Because I know where he was every night. Playing Xbox with me in our little work apartment, missing his kids and being a total dork.
Didn't stop him from talking a big game later. Y'know, for bragging and looking macho or whatevs. But the silly reality is that we were just a couple of goofballs playing Tomb Raider and watching old Joe Campbell lectures while eating little meals in our apartment, waiting for the Sun to rise on the other side of the planet so we could FaceTime with our families.
Sex Clubs At Work may indeed be a real thing, but I suspect that the reality is most folks' sex lives are way more interesting in their heads then they actually are in real life.
posted by Doleful Creature at 10:32 PM on July 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
Not even once.
How do I know this? Because I know where he was every night. Playing Xbox with me in our little work apartment, missing his kids and being a total dork.
Didn't stop him from talking a big game later. Y'know, for bragging and looking macho or whatevs. But the silly reality is that we were just a couple of goofballs playing Tomb Raider and watching old Joe Campbell lectures while eating little meals in our apartment, waiting for the Sun to rise on the other side of the planet so we could FaceTime with our families.
Sex Clubs At Work may indeed be a real thing, but I suspect that the reality is most folks' sex lives are way more interesting in their heads then they actually are in real life.
posted by Doleful Creature at 10:32 PM on July 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
Why would you even put condoms in the tampon machine? If there's a club, why aren't the condoms just in a box in Jane from accounting's office or something? Bulk condoms are a great deal, so I'm glad the duck club is saving money AND protecting themselves, but seriously: that's a ton of effort for very little payoff.
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:39 PM on July 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:39 PM on July 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY. You don't want to have to explain why your desk looks like the local planned parenthood reception area if you're a law firm. you gotta keep that shit on the dl
(duck low)
posted by boo_radley at 10:49 PM on July 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
(duck low)
posted by boo_radley at 10:49 PM on July 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
"I think you probably didn't mean to send me a photo of your genital piercing" meetings,
Oy fucking VEY!
Shit like this is why I'm inclined to think it's true. Also because a lot of crazy shit gets mentioned on AAM. Like say, voodoo, being forced to put on a giant banquet as part of your "job interview," pooping all over work....
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:52 PM on July 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oy fucking VEY!
Shit like this is why I'm inclined to think it's true. Also because a lot of crazy shit gets mentioned on AAM. Like say, voodoo, being forced to put on a giant banquet as part of your "job interview," pooping all over work....
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:52 PM on July 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Wait, did he think his daughter didn't smell, or he just didn't mind her smell? And is the smell thing gender only or race related as well?"
I never asked him about the contradiction. Just like how everyone knew that he and his wife were divorced, but didn't ask if the allergy to women happened before or after. The smell thing only came out because a (wildly naive) canvasser was renting a room from him and wasn't allowed to have women visit, which he remarked on innocently and the old guy acted like it was totally normal. In general, it wasn't also a race thing — the exception being Filipinos, who he thought smelled like Filipino food, which (as a former chef) he declared was disgusting. He was an old Chinese guy from a Caribbean island so he'd frequently frame this as all cultural disagreements. He was a total character and probably the best canvasser to ever work in the city, just always able to sense the exact questions that would uncork the empathy of a stranger. He had a story from when he was a teacher about some kid who he protected from homophobic parents, then ran into the parents 20 years later. By then, the kid was out and a doctor or something and the parents were so proud. (Other coworkers who knew him from other jobs had actually met the kid, who verified the basic story.) Anyone who worked with him could recite it verbatim after about a week.
"Working at a place where higher-ups act out sexually SUCKS, even if they don't act out towards any of their subordinates. The kind of people who do that are also the kind of people who can't manage effectively or take bigger and bigger risks until they break major pieces of the company."
The LGBT nonprofit was one of the better places I've worked; the porn publishers were operatically terrible at the executive level (even though all the old timers kept telling us we'd missed the wild days prior to going corporate). One of the sexual harassment trainers on The Office was played by a guy who was also the entertainment editor, and a lot of it is based directly on that incompetence.
At both of these places, I was largely the odd man out because I wasn't ever single, and, unlike the married folks at the publisher, I didn't loathe my partner.
posted by klangklangston at 11:03 PM on July 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
I never asked him about the contradiction. Just like how everyone knew that he and his wife were divorced, but didn't ask if the allergy to women happened before or after. The smell thing only came out because a (wildly naive) canvasser was renting a room from him and wasn't allowed to have women visit, which he remarked on innocently and the old guy acted like it was totally normal. In general, it wasn't also a race thing — the exception being Filipinos, who he thought smelled like Filipino food, which (as a former chef) he declared was disgusting. He was an old Chinese guy from a Caribbean island so he'd frequently frame this as all cultural disagreements. He was a total character and probably the best canvasser to ever work in the city, just always able to sense the exact questions that would uncork the empathy of a stranger. He had a story from when he was a teacher about some kid who he protected from homophobic parents, then ran into the parents 20 years later. By then, the kid was out and a doctor or something and the parents were so proud. (Other coworkers who knew him from other jobs had actually met the kid, who verified the basic story.) Anyone who worked with him could recite it verbatim after about a week.
"Working at a place where higher-ups act out sexually SUCKS, even if they don't act out towards any of their subordinates. The kind of people who do that are also the kind of people who can't manage effectively or take bigger and bigger risks until they break major pieces of the company."
The LGBT nonprofit was one of the better places I've worked; the porn publishers were operatically terrible at the executive level (even though all the old timers kept telling us we'd missed the wild days prior to going corporate). One of the sexual harassment trainers on The Office was played by a guy who was also the entertainment editor, and a lot of it is based directly on that incompetence.
At both of these places, I was largely the odd man out because I wasn't ever single, and, unlike the married folks at the publisher, I didn't loathe my partner.
posted by klangklangston at 11:03 PM on July 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
My favorite part is the tampon machine dispensing condoms because I don't even think that's possible without some serious rigging.
Depends on the design. On a machine that dispenses both tampons and condoms it might be as simple as slipping out the condom label and inserting a second tampon label.
posted by biffa at 11:19 PM on July 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Depends on the design. On a machine that dispenses both tampons and condoms it might be as simple as slipping out the condom label and inserting a second tampon label.
posted by biffa at 11:19 PM on July 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
As a cranky old guy with osmic issues, I'd guess it wasn't body odour he was worried about, but excessive perfumed deodorant and other scented sprays. His daughter knew not to use them when visiting. Some people do use way too much and it does linger. Being close to some people is like getting repeatedly hit in the nose with a hammer made of cheap industrial volatile chemicals. Mere sweat is nothing in comparison.
posted by Segundus at 11:45 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 11:45 PM on July 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Benzenedream, that's the lost episode of Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories, isn't it?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 12:32 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Ursula Hitler at 12:32 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm extremely dubious. The anonymous OP says they are happy to just shut up about it to keep their sweet job with the big paycheck, great benefits, and generous vacation days, so yeah they're going to just zip up that lip and not rock the boat or anything or say anything further to draw attention to this situation they posted about months ago that attracted nearly 1,000 comments but has died down by this point, I mean why stir up any new scrutiny or anything.... d'oh!!!!
posted by taz at 1:07 AM on July 7, 2015
posted by taz at 1:07 AM on July 7, 2015
(I must admit, the idea of an office sex duck club has a certain allure. Most jobs are so dreary and awful. Occasional orgies on the job would really help make the days fly by.)
Tell that to the crew of the Event Horizon.
posted by um at 1:18 AM on July 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
Tell that to the crew of the Event Horizon.
posted by um at 1:18 AM on July 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
For the love of god, holding my hand like a duck's bill and having it saying "quack" in response to some bit of obvious nonsense is my thing, and now people are trying to make it into something sexual? Goddammit, it's like the third time this week.
posted by JHarris at 1:28 AM on July 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by JHarris at 1:28 AM on July 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Didn't stop him from talking a big game later.
I used to work with a guy who did this -- bragged left and right about all the action he was getting behind his wife's back, but sometimes the details would fall apart and it would be obvious that most, if not all, of the stories were pure fiction. It wasn't a place where that kind of talk was respected, either, so I don't know why he felt so compelled to act that way.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:31 AM on July 7, 2015
I used to work with a guy who did this -- bragged left and right about all the action he was getting behind his wife's back, but sometimes the details would fall apart and it would be obvious that most, if not all, of the stories were pure fiction. It wasn't a place where that kind of talk was respected, either, so I don't know why he felt so compelled to act that way.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:31 AM on July 7, 2015
so yeah they're going to just zip up that lip and not rock the boat or anything or say anything further to draw attention to this situation they posted about months ago that attracted nearly 1,000 comments but has died down by this point, I mean why stir up any new scrutiny or anything.... d'oh!!!
Operation Sex Fowl has been compromised. I repeat, Sex Fowl has been compromised. Initiate backup plan, Operation Sex Humpback Whale. Adjust code signals accordingly. Remember, stay inconspicuous until media focus has abated.
posted by bibliowench at 2:44 AM on July 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
Operation Sex Fowl has been compromised. I repeat, Sex Fowl has been compromised. Initiate backup plan, Operation Sex Humpback Whale. Adjust code signals accordingly. Remember, stay inconspicuous until media focus has abated.
posted by bibliowench at 2:44 AM on July 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
When I get back to my office, my computer mouse has been replaced by a rubber duck. "Very funny, guys," I say to the neighboring cubicles. From the other end of the room, I hear a "quack, quack!" I open my drawer to get a replacement mouse, but it is full of rubber ducks. I start opening cabinets one after the other, and ducks fall out. The floor is covered in ducks. More and more are falling out of the drawers and covering me in ducks. I try to claw my way out of the cubicle but my hands are ducks. No... this can't be the end....
posted by shii at 3:29 AM on July 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by shii at 3:29 AM on July 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
One of my friends works in a government office. (Not federal ) Based on some of the stories she's told me about goings-on at her workplace (Let's just say the stairwell is a favorite place for in-office trysts), I am inclined to believe this letter is real.
posted by SisterHavana at 3:39 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by SisterHavana at 3:39 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Initiate backup plan, Operation Sex Humpback Whale
Supervisor: You guys have a good day, HHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
posted by Quilford at 3:41 AM on July 7, 2015 [19 favorites]
Supervisor: You guys have a good day, HHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
posted by Quilford at 3:41 AM on July 7, 2015 [19 favorites]
I can't believe I missed the Duck Club update.
posted by jeather at 3:42 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jeather at 3:42 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's depressing as hell, but whenever I hear a story about weird organized sex games/clubs like this and the sex is consensual, free of pressure or shame, and not tangled up in weird power imbalances, I assume it's fake.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:47 AM on July 7, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:47 AM on July 7, 2015 [24 favorites]
You also need to talk to your other team members, since you have reason to think that people are having sex all over your office. For points.
For points.
So it's four points for diversionary tactics?
posted by chavenet at 3:55 AM on July 7, 2015
For points.
So it's four points for diversionary tactics?
posted by chavenet at 3:55 AM on July 7, 2015
More and more are falling out of the drawers and covering me in ducks. I try to claw my way out of the cubicle but my hands are ducks. No... this can't be the end....
Oh God, what is this a parody of? It's one of those choose your own adventure books, right? It rings a bell, but I can't quite place it and it's driving me crazy.
posted by lollusc at 4:16 AM on July 7, 2015
Oh God, what is this a parody of? It's one of those choose your own adventure books, right? It rings a bell, but I can't quite place it and it's driving me crazy.
posted by lollusc at 4:16 AM on July 7, 2015
It reminds me of a Russell Edson poem, but I dunno if that was what you're thinking of.
Also I've worked places where there were equally insane sex hijinks (ain't no sex party like a call center sex party) but I balk at the condom dispenser and the strange tone of the narrator, which is curiously 'I'm just sayin'' for someone encountering that kind of thing for the first time.
posted by winna at 4:24 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also I've worked places where there were equally insane sex hijinks (ain't no sex party like a call center sex party) but I balk at the condom dispenser and the strange tone of the narrator, which is curiously 'I'm just sayin'' for someone encountering that kind of thing for the first time.
posted by winna at 4:24 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
The first rule of Duck Club is: You do not quack about Duck Club
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:37 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:37 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
When I read this, it sounded way fake to me. Even AAM/Alison said the follow-up sounded "a bit 'Penthouse Letters' to me and it made me wonder."
Then, in the follow-up post's comment thread, someone asked Alison point-blank if she thought the post was a fake. She replied that she was torn, and then posted this comment here:
This comment from the OP on the original post makes me feel bad for doubting:
… so I just don’t know.
So yeah. The OP's comment does sound make me think that there's a chance the post is genuine... if that's the case, then, wow, she has not handled this well. The crap will hit the fan soon, most likely with some sexual harassment lawsuit, and I'd bet dollars to donuts she'll be the fall guy. I've seen this kind of thing before, and it never ends well.
posted by suburbanbeatnik at 4:56 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Then, in the follow-up post's comment thread, someone asked Alison point-blank if she thought the post was a fake. She replied that she was torn, and then posted this comment here:
This comment from the OP on the original post makes me feel bad for doubting:
… so I just don’t know.
So yeah. The OP's comment does sound make me think that there's a chance the post is genuine... if that's the case, then, wow, she has not handled this well. The crap will hit the fan soon, most likely with some sexual harassment lawsuit, and I'd bet dollars to donuts she'll be the fall guy. I've seen this kind of thing before, and it never ends well.
posted by suburbanbeatnik at 4:56 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm still torn WRT the genuineness thing, in part because the OP insists that there's a great work culture... except for the secret sex club, which she just happened to have stumbled across because of the two people who decided to get it on in the copy room in the middle of the day*, and the list of rules left on the guy's desk (dunh-DUNH**), and the tampon-turned-condom dispenser (FFS). I'm reading this as someone bored at work so she makes up a story about the secret sex club, and is now doubling down because she's created some internet drama.
*And now I'm imagining Rob Schneider's character from SNL sitting in a corner of the room, going, "Duck Club meeting in session! Duckin' up a storm! Duck duck go!" &c.
**That Law & Order sound, you know.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:36 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
*And now I'm imagining Rob Schneider's character from SNL sitting in a corner of the room, going, "Duck Club meeting in session! Duckin' up a storm! Duck duck go!" &c.
**That Law & Order sound, you know.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:36 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
When I got my first job fresh out of High School we smoked weed on our lunch break. These young kids now are out of line!
posted by Splunge at 6:41 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Splunge at 6:41 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would be the perfect person to work at a place like that, I am completely oblivious to everything in my office that doesn't directly affect me. Are people getting me stuff by deadline? Duck around all you want. If you take even minimal precautions, I will never notice.
posted by emjaybee at 6:44 AM on July 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by emjaybee at 6:44 AM on July 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
My very first real job at an AIDS service organization was a total hotbed of inappropriateness. Drugs, sex, sexual behavior, goofing off. I could write a book, but holy crap, people have families these days. It was also the early days of the AIDS epidemic, we were all VERY young and every day was a crisis, so blowing off steam was probably pretty necessary. We all might have handled things very differently today, but hindsight, y'know.
posted by Sophie1 at 6:56 AM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Sophie1 at 6:56 AM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
QUACK QUACK
posted by Quack at 7:02 AM on July 7, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by Quack at 7:02 AM on July 7, 2015 [15 favorites]
Dear Penthouse,
Lately, my life has been like a hurricane!
posted by mbrubeck at 7:18 AM on July 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
Lately, my life has been like a hurricane!
posted by mbrubeck at 7:18 AM on July 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
I remember that there was an episode of Dharma & Greg, where Dharma and her "wacky friend" would have a competition to see who could have sex in the weirdest places, and the winner would get to keep a plastic duck as a trophy. The punch line came at the end after Greg's snooty rich parents end up unwittingly winning the duck:
Kitty: That's not a duck. It's a goose.
Dharma: But goose doesn't rhyme.
posted by jonp72 at 7:29 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Kitty: That's not a duck. It's a goose.
Dharma: But goose doesn't rhyme.
posted by jonp72 at 7:29 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
What tripped my BS meter was the, er, ducking into random cars. Who leaves their car unlocked? And what kind of cars are easy to break into these days? Where are the office parking lots or garages which don't have people coming and going all the time? And who notes that their car might have been broken into (seats adjusted and, no doubt, a funny smell and maybe a used condom) and just shrugs, rather than calling the cops or at least letting building management know?
Maybe it's a California thing, but everyone I know locks their car when leaving it in a parking lot, even in a safe neighborhood. And nobody could get away with slinking from car to car to see if it's unlocked, because someone would notice and wonder what is going on.
And I've worked in some pretty lax places, with people shooting up in the office toilet, or sneaking away to have sex on their lunch break (in their car, even! but not someone else's car in the office parking lot).
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:32 AM on July 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Maybe it's a California thing, but everyone I know locks their car when leaving it in a parking lot, even in a safe neighborhood. And nobody could get away with slinking from car to car to see if it's unlocked, because someone would notice and wonder what is going on.
And I've worked in some pretty lax places, with people shooting up in the office toilet, or sneaking away to have sex on their lunch break (in their car, even! but not someone else's car in the office parking lot).
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:32 AM on July 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Dear Penthouse,
Lately, my life has been like a hurricane!
🎶 It's a / fuck-blur 🎶
posted by Xavier Xavier at 7:54 AM on July 7, 2015 [9 favorites]
Lately, my life has been like a hurricane!
🎶 It's a / fuck-blur 🎶
posted by Xavier Xavier at 7:54 AM on July 7, 2015 [9 favorites]
lollusc, it reminds me of Andrew Plotkin's Shade and also of a Skittles commercial where someone has a sort of Midas's touch that turns everything into Skittles.
posted by brainwane at 7:58 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by brainwane at 7:58 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yes, I was imitating Shade. And guessing the source should earn you a merit badge in Internet arcana.
posted by shii at 8:01 AM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by shii at 8:01 AM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Fake. Is there a message board somewhere for people to workshop these short stories?
My husband introduced me to the various relationship advice subreddits. Those are fun to read for the comments, even if many of the questions are fake. To me the dead giveaway is the language - there's a sameness to the voice of the author in the questions, and the language used indicates above average writing skills. Contrast those with (sincere) Human Relations questions on the green. Again, people are competent writers, but the voices sound different. There's another community I am part of that discusses personal matters, and the education level seems broader than MF, and it shows in the questions. Again, a wide variety of voices and style.
I AM ON TO YOU FAKERS!
posted by stowaway at 8:05 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
My husband introduced me to the various relationship advice subreddits. Those are fun to read for the comments, even if many of the questions are fake. To me the dead giveaway is the language - there's a sameness to the voice of the author in the questions, and the language used indicates above average writing skills. Contrast those with (sincere) Human Relations questions on the green. Again, people are competent writers, but the voices sound different. There's another community I am part of that discusses personal matters, and the education level seems broader than MF, and it shows in the questions. Again, a wide variety of voices and style.
I AM ON TO YOU FAKERS!
posted by stowaway at 8:05 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
sounds like some hardcore taters
posted by klangklangston at 8:54 AM on July 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 8:54 AM on July 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
This is so unbelievably fake I can only assume AAM published it for ad views.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:26 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:26 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
It certainly could be real. Two places I've worked have had promiscuous work cultures, especially among the younger employees, and there wasn't much secret about what was going on.
Occasionally there was an event that involved an entire team of about forty people going off and staying overnight in a country house, and the drunken bedroom hopping now looks, in retrospect, extraordinary. The Christmas party was also an occasion when a great deal of extracurricular activity took place (one pair I knew always shagged then, and never otherwise. It was a sort of tradition. Just like Santa, they came once a year...). There was even what everyone knew as the gay mafia who ran one department and were dedicated, dedicated I tell you, to improving the company's diversity figures by recruiting like-minded souls whenever possible. The rumour that was never proven or disproven was about gay porn shoots at weekends or after hours in the office.
One of the meeting areas in the office had a big wall of photographs of everyone in the place (a very useful thing, although very dispiriting during rounds of redundancies) and one evening some unknown hand pinned up ribbon joining up who-was-known-to-have-had-whom.
There was a lot of ribbon, but to my certain knowledge it was incomplete.
And, if what I'm told is true, some industries (like aviation) have patterns of behaviour that make my workplace look like a church coffee morning. So yes, the Duck Club could absolutely exist.
posted by Devonian at 10:04 AM on July 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Occasionally there was an event that involved an entire team of about forty people going off and staying overnight in a country house, and the drunken bedroom hopping now looks, in retrospect, extraordinary. The Christmas party was also an occasion when a great deal of extracurricular activity took place (one pair I knew always shagged then, and never otherwise. It was a sort of tradition. Just like Santa, they came once a year...). There was even what everyone knew as the gay mafia who ran one department and were dedicated, dedicated I tell you, to improving the company's diversity figures by recruiting like-minded souls whenever possible. The rumour that was never proven or disproven was about gay porn shoots at weekends or after hours in the office.
One of the meeting areas in the office had a big wall of photographs of everyone in the place (a very useful thing, although very dispiriting during rounds of redundancies) and one evening some unknown hand pinned up ribbon joining up who-was-known-to-have-had-whom.
There was a lot of ribbon, but to my certain knowledge it was incomplete.
And, if what I'm told is true, some industries (like aviation) have patterns of behaviour that make my workplace look like a church coffee morning. So yes, the Duck Club could absolutely exist.
posted by Devonian at 10:04 AM on July 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
It could be that the whole duck club thing has nothing to do with sex, and that the activity she walked in on is totally unrelated to the quacking and the "rules" and all that. Maybe her subordinates have nicknamed her "the duck" and have a game about who can be the most brash in quacking in her presence without getting called out for it.
Meow who would do such a thing on the job? I mean right here and meow while you're on the clock?
Meow.
posted by Xavier Xavier at 10:46 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Meow who would do such a thing on the job? I mean right here and meow while you're on the clock?
Meow.
posted by Xavier Xavier at 10:46 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Jenfullmoon: Shit like this is why I'm inclined to think it's true. Also because a lot of crazy shit gets mentioned on AAM.
Although Allison hates it, "WTF Wednesdays" are a thing on the blog.
posted by dr_dank at 10:49 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Although Allison hates it, "WTF Wednesdays" are a thing on the blog.
posted by dr_dank at 10:49 AM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
“With a bit of luck, the manager's working days were changed forever. Always thinking that just behind some locked door in every workplace, couples on couches are getting incredible kicks from rather inconsiderate use of company property”
Sorry, since seeing it earlier today, I just can't get that Google deep dream altered version of the Depp/Flea LSD scene from Fear and Loathing out of my head.
posted by chambers at 10:51 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sorry, since seeing it earlier today, I just can't get that Google deep dream altered version of the Depp/Flea LSD scene from Fear and Loathing out of my head.
posted by chambers at 10:51 AM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's fake because no one likes their job or thinks any place has a "great work culture".
JK. I think it could be real; I've worked in some really fucked up corporate offices filled with young studs and did sit in a cubicle pod with three recent college grads (all named things like Bradby, Halsey, and something I forgot that was even preppier than the other two) who had a Tinder-related sex competition with points and everything. They were really popular with the women in the office, who hung on their every word. I wouldn't really be surprised if some dumb crap like this had happened at our place of work.
If it is real, I don't believe the boss was involved (I'm sure he thinks the OP is bananas and was teasing her by quacking), and I imagine the condom came out of the machine coincidentally and accidentally (because people still have pockets and wallets for that sort of thing in this futuristic millennial sex club world we inhabit), so it's just a dumb sex competition that some kids are having, which is not that hard to believe.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 12:34 PM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
JK. I think it could be real; I've worked in some really fucked up corporate offices filled with young studs and did sit in a cubicle pod with three recent college grads (all named things like Bradby, Halsey, and something I forgot that was even preppier than the other two) who had a Tinder-related sex competition with points and everything. They were really popular with the women in the office, who hung on their every word. I wouldn't really be surprised if some dumb crap like this had happened at our place of work.
If it is real, I don't believe the boss was involved (I'm sure he thinks the OP is bananas and was teasing her by quacking), and I imagine the condom came out of the machine coincidentally and accidentally (because people still have pockets and wallets for that sort of thing in this futuristic millennial sex club world we inhabit), so it's just a dumb sex competition that some kids are having, which is not that hard to believe.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 12:34 PM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
this line from the AAM voodoo link, tho: black magic is one of many occupational hazards.
posted by epersonae at 1:20 PM on July 7, 2015
posted by epersonae at 1:20 PM on July 7, 2015
It's fake because no one likes their job or thinks any place has a "great work culture".
Especially that also comes with big paycheck, great benefits, and generous vacation days.
Pull the other one.
QUACK.
I've said too much.
But more seriously, reading this thread this morning I started conflating Duck Club with Party Dog and then I started imagining Party Dog Goes to Duck Club, and it made my day brighter, and I hope sharing it with you does the same for you.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:04 PM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Especially that also comes with big paycheck, great benefits, and generous vacation days.
Pull the other one.
QUACK.
I've said too much.
But more seriously, reading this thread this morning I started conflating Duck Club with Party Dog and then I started imagining Party Dog Goes to Duck Club, and it made my day brighter, and I hope sharing it with you does the same for you.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:04 PM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Metafilter: My hands are ducks.
posted by jammer at 3:29 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jammer at 3:29 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Brilliantly pulling a fast one on an advice columnist, Wiseau style.
posted by dhens at 7:05 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by dhens at 7:05 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
🎶 It's a / fuck-blur 🎶
🎶 Di-rect re-ports macking behind you! / Boy or girl, these ducks will grind you! 🎶
Thanks for putting "Scientifically Accurate DuckTales" back in my head, dorks.
posted by psoas at 4:26 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
🎶 Di-rect re-ports macking behind you! / Boy or girl, these ducks will grind you! 🎶
Thanks for putting "Scientifically Accurate DuckTales" back in my head, dorks.
posted by psoas at 4:26 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by oceanjesse at 8:31 PM on July 6, 2015 [4 favorites]