"...because I have to."

August 23, 2015 12:47 PM

There is no clever way to title this video. It is a man talking about being raped.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering (23 comments total)

(The video is titled "Why Rape is Sincerely Hilarious," and quickly explains why it is not. I wrestled with using the original title, and felt many people would rightly feel it is trivializing and/or clickbaity.)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:48 PM on August 23, 2015 [16 favorites]

It really goes a long way towards explaining teenage male dynamics.

And how horrible they are, and how much they need to be educated away.

And de-emphasized in the media. And And And...
posted by jefflowrey at 12:57 PM on August 23, 2015

I don't want to talk about this video. I don't want to analyze it. I just want to sit with it quietly until I am crying too. I don't know how else to show how much I appreciate it. I literally don't know.

I am male but I do not want to be a man
posted by an animate objects at 1:07 PM on August 23, 2015 [10 favorites]

This is really intense, well done, and painful to watch. Thanks for posting it.
posted by bile and syntax at 1:08 PM on August 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

When I was 13 I probably would have fucked a mattress, so the idea of a woman of any age being willing would have probably been enough for me. Hell, I was confused enough back then I probably would have willingly banged other adult dudes. I am lucky I was surrounded by mostly responsible adults and none took advantage. I know I didn't have the cemented identity, established morals, and personal values to know what I wanted. I, like most 13 year olds, was a perfect victim by virtue of my age alone. I know I wouldn't have viewed it as a violation. There was little I wanted back then as much as getting laid. I'm glad I made it to adulthood before any of this became reality and that I was with an enthusiastic partner and it was consensual. Everyone should have that.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:11 PM on August 23, 2015 [10 favorites]

The poet is Andrew Bailey.
posted by Kattullus at 2:01 PM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

wow. I had to look away. But I didn't stop listening.
posted by vespabelle at 2:41 PM on August 23, 2015

I think if the poet wanted his name attached to it, it would be.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 2:48 PM on August 23, 2015

Nevermind. Looks like he links to it on his site. Apologies.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 2:50 PM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

That illuminates a lot. I had an argument recently with friends of mine about rape in humour, and why I don't like it and why it's not okay. I hadn't considered the shielding effects of humour (since it's not how I deflect, not really). I don't know if either of them have this kind of experience, but it makes me pull back a little on this.

But all the rape videos coming up when this ends? Fuck.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:54 PM on August 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

> But all the rape videos coming up when this ends? Fuck.

Yes, Algorithmic Cruelty reflecting on real-world one.
posted by kandinski at 5:33 PM on August 23, 2015 [7 favorites]

I think the part where he says 'because I have to' might not be because thinking it's funny is helpful to his soul directly, but protects him from men/boys who impugn his sexuality/character when he says he didn't enjoy it or that he doesn't think rape is funny. He has to laugh along because speaking out is or feels dangerous.

I have spent more than a decade asking men to stop laughing along with rape jokes. With any rape jokes. This hardens my resolve in the matter. Men deserve to be protected from this 'humor' as much as I do.
posted by bilabial at 5:57 PM on August 23, 2015 [11 favorites]

I read that as him saying he has to laugh along lest he be forced to confront what actually happened to him.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:02 PM on August 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

It happened to me. Twice. A willing victim. I know his eyes.

I feel like I just got punched in the gut.
posted by wallabear at 7:50 PM on August 23, 2015 [9 favorites]

How incredibly cruel. He says, of the rape, "I felt inhuman", and then to have everyone play it up like he should feel lucky that it happened to him . . . . There is such a huge gulf between the way women and men are encouraged (or not) to recover from that kind of trauma. Women are (often) supported, defended, encouraged by their friends to get help and men have their experience laughed off until the validity of their trauma is erased. Feeling pain and confusion over a violation that everyone is re-branding as an achievement would be traumatic in itself. It brings to my mind this MetaFilter post on men who who were raped while serving in the military and either held the memories inside for decades or were basically disowned by their fellow soldiers if they ever dared to speak out against the perpetrators. It is like there is no way for men to recover from sexual assault, with the first roadblock being the toxic myth that "men don't get sexually assaulted". Sometimes I feel like society needs to look deeper at our humanity and not at gender mythologies when it comes to issues like this. I know this is idealistic, but pain is pain.
posted by sevenofspades at 11:17 PM on August 23, 2015 [10 favorites]

Shit. Fuck. No one should have to endure that. Man oh man, my sibling in violation...

There are no words that are enough.
posted by Deoridhe at 12:43 AM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Look, I know the word "brave" is overused, and that the overuse can result in diminishing the enormity of experiences that no one should ever endure. But I think it might be the right word for Andrew Bailey, and his decision to explore this emotional territory in this piece of work. It must take an enormous amount of courage to be present in processing it aloud as a monologue, and to show it to an audience of strangers (which he has previously done live onstage, and which he does again in a whole different way by putting it on YT).
posted by gingerest at 1:02 AM on August 24, 2015 [5 favorites]

Wow. Thank you for sharing this.
posted by bunderful at 5:16 PM on August 24, 2015

Really well done. Thank you for posting.
posted by greermahoney at 8:08 PM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Mod note: One comment deleted. Probably not a great idea to link to YouTube's "related videos" here unless you are making very clear why it's pertinent or relevant, and if you think that it is, let people know generally what the tenor / content is.
posted by taz (staff) at 5:34 AM on August 25, 2015

I write comedy for a hobby. I have very few rules about the jokes I write. One is no rape jokes. Sure, you can maybe make a joke about rape that could be funny, but what did you accomplish? I like a challenge as much as the next guy, so sometimes making the unfunny funny is enough of a reason to write a joke. At the end of the day though, even if you pull it off, what you managed to do what put another rape joke into the universe. I'd suggest there's already enough of those, and no matter how unoffensive and humorous you may believe your contribution to the canon I can assure you that many others will disagree.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:30 AM on August 25, 2015 [4 favorites]

This is wonderful (if that can describe it). I read way too often about female teachers taking advantage of underage students and each and every comment from a man is "I wish that was me" or "way to go". I find it said. I have a 6 year old and if I heard a female teacher/friend/whomever had sex with him, it would not be "way to go". I would prosecute to the full extend of the law because an underage person cannot say that an older person having sex with them is cool, fun, amazing, and no regrets. The only person who would have regrets is the woman who did it to my son. Big regrets.
posted by stormpooper at 6:54 AM on August 25, 2015 [2 favorites]

I have every confidence you would visit a real shitstorm down on her.
posted by phearlez at 12:01 PM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]