The Summer That Never Was
August 31, 2015 4:43 AM Subscribe
"I suspect that the way I feel now, at summer's end, is about how I'll feel at the end of my life, assuming I have time and mind enough to reflect: bewildered by how unexpectedly everything turned out, regretful about all the things I didn't get around to, clutching the handful of friends and funny stories I've amassed, and wondering where it all went. And I'll probably still be evading the same truth I'm evading now: that the life I ended up with, much as I complain about it, was pretty much the one I chose. And my dissatisfactions with it are really my own character, with my hesitation and timidity." (slNYT)
As always, Tim Kreider is great.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:55 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:55 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
It has been a very swift summer around these parts. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I looked up and realized that hey, it was mid-August and we hadn't left the city at all. No day trips, no sort of staycation activities at all. My husband said mostly this was due to being new homeowners and small things (which add up) needing to be done around the house which took up all our weekends. Lump that in with work, with school (for me), quitting drinking for a while, and here it is the day before September 1st and I feel sort of listless.
I know this essay is less about missing out on summer activities and more about the inevitable march of time, but I really enjoyed it, despite the sharp sting of recognition (this will be my last year in my 30s) and realizing that I only get so much time, and there is so much I want to do and I wish I could figure out how to do it.
posted by Kitteh at 6:17 AM on August 31, 2015 [20 favorites]
I know this essay is less about missing out on summer activities and more about the inevitable march of time, but I really enjoyed it, despite the sharp sting of recognition (this will be my last year in my 30s) and realizing that I only get so much time, and there is so much I want to do and I wish I could figure out how to do it.
posted by Kitteh at 6:17 AM on August 31, 2015 [20 favorites]
The description of wanting to stop your car in the desert and stand in the emptiness makes me physically ache for the last time I did that in Utah. Thank you for linking.
posted by lepus at 6:34 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by lepus at 6:34 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sunday afternoons are the subscription-service, boxed-sampler of end of summer dread and regret.
I don't think I can make it to Friday/June.
posted by notyou at 6:53 AM on August 31, 2015 [11 favorites]
I don't think I can make it to Friday/June.
posted by notyou at 6:53 AM on August 31, 2015 [11 favorites]
Man, for all the ranty cartoons I associate Krieder with, he sure does get to the gentle, thoughtful *meat* of things.
posted by notsnot at 7:12 AM on August 31, 2015
posted by notsnot at 7:12 AM on August 31, 2015
At the coffee shop, my wife looked up from her newspaper and set it atop her bagel, her eyes a-gleam. "There's a Tim Kreider essay in here!"
"Oooooooooooo", was my response.
posted by Erroneous at 7:15 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Oooooooooooo", was my response.
posted by Erroneous at 7:15 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Good share, kitteh. It put me in mind of Parker Palmer's "When Way Closes," and especially of this: "[T]here is as much guidance in what does not and cannot happen in my life as there is in what can and does — maybe more."
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:25 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:25 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
I’ve had a free apartment in Reykjavik on offer for several years, and somehow I’ve never made it there.Don't sweat it, dude. For several years I've had offered accommodations in Reykjavik and Copenhagen and I've never made it to either.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:05 AM on August 31, 2015
I love this piece, and pieces like it.
I am an avowed summer lover. It is a heartbreakingly beautiful time of year, a time that seems so full of promise from the vantage point of spring. There are so many pleasures we want to engage in.
But I wonder if our expectations of summer are unrealistic. What we are longing for isn't probably visiting Iceland and Baltimore and lying in hammocks, but the feelings of freedom and ease that we might have known as children or young people, freer of obligations and entanglements, allowed to just enjoy ourselves more of the time. After all, the height of summer is only maybe eight or ten weeks, which means - for those of us who don't work at home - only eight or ten weekends in which to have delightful adventures in the sun. Maybe some of us are lucky enough to have five or ten vacation days we can take then. It's not much time to squeeze in all these dreams.
I have a feeling that if I could ever wrangle a summer off, I would suck the marrow out of it, much as I did in 1998 when I devoted many weeks to a cross-country National Parks adventure. Even when I worked through the summers at summer camps, I had the pleasures of grilling corn and slurping watermelon, canoeing and swimming, star-watching and bonfire-ing, experiencing each day in full as it rolled slowly on. I can't have those summers now not because I don't know how, but because so many other life goals demand that I clock in the time in an office building. I find myself envying parents who work at home and retired people, who it seems to me are more in touch with each passing day.
posted by Miko at 8:36 AM on August 31, 2015 [15 favorites]
I am an avowed summer lover. It is a heartbreakingly beautiful time of year, a time that seems so full of promise from the vantage point of spring. There are so many pleasures we want to engage in.
But I wonder if our expectations of summer are unrealistic. What we are longing for isn't probably visiting Iceland and Baltimore and lying in hammocks, but the feelings of freedom and ease that we might have known as children or young people, freer of obligations and entanglements, allowed to just enjoy ourselves more of the time. After all, the height of summer is only maybe eight or ten weeks, which means - for those of us who don't work at home - only eight or ten weekends in which to have delightful adventures in the sun. Maybe some of us are lucky enough to have five or ten vacation days we can take then. It's not much time to squeeze in all these dreams.
I have a feeling that if I could ever wrangle a summer off, I would suck the marrow out of it, much as I did in 1998 when I devoted many weeks to a cross-country National Parks adventure. Even when I worked through the summers at summer camps, I had the pleasures of grilling corn and slurping watermelon, canoeing and swimming, star-watching and bonfire-ing, experiencing each day in full as it rolled slowly on. I can't have those summers now not because I don't know how, but because so many other life goals demand that I clock in the time in an office building. I find myself envying parents who work at home and retired people, who it seems to me are more in touch with each passing day.
posted by Miko at 8:36 AM on August 31, 2015 [15 favorites]
This was erudite and quite well-written. But it does make me want to go and slit my wrists.
posted by Seekerofsplendor at 8:45 AM on August 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Seekerofsplendor at 8:45 AM on August 31, 2015 [9 favorites]
But just before the Fourth of July, a friend and former editor of mine nearly severed her little toe falling down the stairs at my house
Benjamin Franklin published a very relevant aphorism in the first edition of Poor Richard's Almanac:
Benjamin Franklin published a very relevant aphorism in the first edition of Poor Richard's Almanac:
Because time goes fast, the wise man strivesposted by compartment at 8:49 AM on August 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
To never cover his stairs with knives
Exactly how I woke up this morning. Time can sometimes feel so redundant.... and then you wake up and wonder where it all went.
posted by what's her name at 8:54 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by what's her name at 8:54 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
This was beautiful. Thank you for posting it.
It puts me in mind of a Robert Frost poem:
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
posted by voltairemodern at 9:20 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
It puts me in mind of a Robert Frost poem:
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
posted by voltairemodern at 9:20 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh I didn't notice this was Tim Kreider; he's kind of my own personal Orson Scott Card "I like his work but the person sets my teeth on edge" for Reasons, and dammit I fell in love with this essay before I saw who wrote it....
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:37 AM on August 31, 2015
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:37 AM on August 31, 2015
A few years ago, after feeling regret at all these summers (and autumns, and winters and springs) lost, I vowed to become more financially independent up to a point where I could work for myself at reduced and/or odd hours and truly enjoy my time being alive.
I'm still not there yet - very far from it, actually - but every time I feel a sliver of regret at lost time, I use it to fuel my continued endeavours at "making it". Maybe I'll never get there, but Hopes and Dreams are powerful drugs.
Ironically, working on these "financial freedom" projects gives me even less time then before, but I'm learning and living in a different way!
I've also started to keep a journal of sorts - just outlining what significant things i've done each month. Went to a wedding. Finished sanding and staining the deck. And so on. Hopefully, if anything, it will indicate to future me that I didn't waste my summers, but actually did live it.
posted by bitteroldman at 10:01 AM on August 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
I'm still not there yet - very far from it, actually - but every time I feel a sliver of regret at lost time, I use it to fuel my continued endeavours at "making it". Maybe I'll never get there, but Hopes and Dreams are powerful drugs.
Ironically, working on these "financial freedom" projects gives me even less time then before, but I'm learning and living in a different way!
I've also started to keep a journal of sorts - just outlining what significant things i've done each month. Went to a wedding. Finished sanding and staining the deck. And so on. Hopefully, if anything, it will indicate to future me that I didn't waste my summers, but actually did live it.
posted by bitteroldman at 10:01 AM on August 31, 2015 [7 favorites]
Empress--I'm really curious about your beef with Tim Kreider. I loved the essay but his name is ringing a faint bell for me and I can't figure out why...
posted by pretentious illiterate at 10:03 AM on August 31, 2015
posted by pretentious illiterate at 10:03 AM on August 31, 2015
I find myself envying parents who work at home and retired people, who it seems to me are more in touch with each passing day.
I work from home 2-3 days each week, and it mainly leads to my looking around and thinking, "Jesus, this place is filthy." And then cleaning. Also, Metafilter.
posted by ryanshepard at 10:25 AM on August 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
I work from home 2-3 days each week, and it mainly leads to my looking around and thinking, "Jesus, this place is filthy." And then cleaning. Also, Metafilter.
posted by ryanshepard at 10:25 AM on August 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
Time for a reread of 'Once More to the Lake'? I mean, while were talking about despair, and all.
posted by j_curiouser at 10:26 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by j_curiouser at 10:26 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Listen to what he's saying here:
The life I ended up with, much as I complain about it, was pretty much the one I chose. And my dissatisfactions with it are really my own character ...
In other words, we make our own destinies. We're responsible for our own lives. So kvetch not. You're at the wheel of your own happiness.
posted by Modest House at 10:30 AM on August 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
The life I ended up with, much as I complain about it, was pretty much the one I chose. And my dissatisfactions with it are really my own character ...
In other words, we make our own destinies. We're responsible for our own lives. So kvetch not. You're at the wheel of your own happiness.
posted by Modest House at 10:30 AM on August 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
My wife and I let our parents completely take over our summer. It's easy to do that, when you have a kid.
"Oh, sure, of course you should visit, Mom and Dad! You haven't seen the kid in months, she's a totally different person now! Wait, you're staying how long?"
"Bad news, Mrs. gurple, my parents are staying with us for three weeks. What? Yours are, too?!"
That's how it's August 31 and I'm wondering if there's enough summer left to get out backpacking, once.
Never again.
posted by gurple at 10:53 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Oh, sure, of course you should visit, Mom and Dad! You haven't seen the kid in months, she's a totally different person now! Wait, you're staying how long?"
"Bad news, Mrs. gurple, my parents are staying with us for three weeks. What? Yours are, too?!"
That's how it's August 31 and I'm wondering if there's enough summer left to get out backpacking, once.
Never again.
posted by gurple at 10:53 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
bitteroldman -- That is a big part of my current goals as well. Being more fiscally aware of my situation in order to save up for that is something I am working on. Sometimes the hardest part of that is getting your partner to understand that desire and that goal, especially it involves a bit of risk!
posted by Kitteh at 10:54 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Kitteh at 10:54 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Empress--I'm really curious about your beef with Tim Kreider.
It's entirely due to something that happened off-line and has nothing to do with his writing or his cartoons, and to be honest it's something I'm admittedly kind of being petty about.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:05 AM on August 31, 2015
It's entirely due to something that happened off-line and has nothing to do with his writing or his cartoons, and to be honest it's something I'm admittedly kind of being petty about.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:05 AM on August 31, 2015
It's funny how these feelings seem to come in universal waves. Everyone I know is feeling this same sadness, and I wonder whether it has something to do with how hard our generation is expected to work for relatively little pay. Even as we have less and less time to enjoy ourselves, we're also receiving less compensation for this lost time, so it's really starting to stand out starkly against a background of one-percenters Living It Up on television and in film.
posted by Mooseli at 11:36 AM on August 31, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Mooseli at 11:36 AM on August 31, 2015 [6 favorites]
I work from home 2-3 days each week, and it mainly leads to my looking around and thinking, "Jesus, this place is filthy." And then cleaning. Also, Metafilter.
Me too, except for the part about cleaning.
posted by en forme de poire at 11:51 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Me too, except for the part about cleaning.
posted by en forme de poire at 11:51 AM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Fall isn't all that bad, you know.
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:58 AM on August 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:58 AM on August 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
Kitteh -- yeah, the thing about personal projects is that many times, it's so personal that others don't appreciate or understand the sacrifices that need to be made, especially if they don't feel the longing or desire that you do. People think success and change come magically without a drop of blood, sweat, tears or dollars being shed.
posted by bitteroldman at 12:00 PM on August 31, 2015
posted by bitteroldman at 12:00 PM on August 31, 2015
I would have a lot more sympathy for figurative complaints about a summer that never was if it hadn't been so literal around here.
posted by biffa at 12:44 PM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by biffa at 12:44 PM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm at a point of personal re-assessment, that this year has felt like "Must Renew New Years Resolutions Every Month", but being literally a month away from my BigbigBIG 6-0 birthday, it makes me feel like put-up-or-shut-down time and The Summer of Wendell is over (did I just do a Seinfeld reference? Well, yadda yadda yadda).
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:59 PM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:59 PM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's kind of weird living in Florida reading about seasons from people in the north. There's the same association of a certain season with breaks from school and all that, but there isn't really the same window of inviting weather. I definitely don't have to "[board] up my psyche for another hateful winter." Our seasons are pretty subtle. In a lot of ways, outdoorsy stuff (save for swimming) even gets a lot more appealing during our "winter." It helps that I lived in Alaska until I was 10 years old, so a little cold (though Florida's 40 degree day is far off from a -40 one in Alaska) even makes me kind of nostalgic. Summer here still definitely has the sort of romance the author describes, though.
Anyway, the other seasons are pretty cool, too, regardless of where you live. Also, it sounds like the author had a pretty great summer:
"We’re now less like friends than siblings, meaning that we may hate each other briefly but we’re doomed to love each other forever. Once you’ve carried someone in your arms while she’s weeping and bleeding, you’re never going to be indifferent to her again."
That sort of thing is priceless. It's hard, but I think we have to get over our attachment for all the plans we've orchestrated in advance once life starts throwing wrenches in them. We can really miss out on being "present" for great unexpected things like the above, otherwise. Embracing serendipity is fun.
posted by Gymnopedist at 2:29 PM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Anyway, the other seasons are pretty cool, too, regardless of where you live. Also, it sounds like the author had a pretty great summer:
"We’re now less like friends than siblings, meaning that we may hate each other briefly but we’re doomed to love each other forever. Once you’ve carried someone in your arms while she’s weeping and bleeding, you’re never going to be indifferent to her again."
That sort of thing is priceless. It's hard, but I think we have to get over our attachment for all the plans we've orchestrated in advance once life starts throwing wrenches in them. We can really miss out on being "present" for great unexpected things like the above, otherwise. Embracing serendipity is fun.
posted by Gymnopedist at 2:29 PM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's interesting, I thought I wouldn't have this as much in California, and to a certain extent it's true -- time feels kind of undifferentiated by weather, and it is a little disorienting for an East Coast transplant. But the days still get much shorter in the winter, so as the day-to-night ratio starts changing faster and faster it triggers similar feelings in me.
Also, it turns out I really miss that languid, lush heat you get in the Northeast. Even when it cracks 70 here it's breezy and dry, and the heat doesn't really persist into the evening.
posted by en forme de poire at 3:26 PM on August 31, 2015
Also, it turns out I really miss that languid, lush heat you get in the Northeast. Even when it cracks 70 here it's breezy and dry, and the heat doesn't really persist into the evening.
posted by en forme de poire at 3:26 PM on August 31, 2015
Also, it turns out I really miss that languid, lush heat you get in the Northeast.
Come on out here and give it five minutes. Especially on a day like today. You will think otherwise.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:03 PM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
whether it has something to do with how hard our generation is expected to work for relatively little pay
Tempting, but I don't think it's the least bit generational. I'm a generation older, and certainly feel/felt it. You only have to go back to the early 20th century before most people had it even worse, and I think that end-of-summer melancholia dates back to at least the Romantic poets. If anything, I think it might just be that you don't really notice it when you're younger, because going back to school and the general fall routine has its excitements. It's as you get older that you realize that time moves on even if you really don't feel ready yet, and you don't have major changes in your daily calendar to help you take advantage of what you have when you have it. In short, I believe it's a function of aging.
posted by Miko at 6:45 PM on August 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
Tempting, but I don't think it's the least bit generational. I'm a generation older, and certainly feel/felt it. You only have to go back to the early 20th century before most people had it even worse, and I think that end-of-summer melancholia dates back to at least the Romantic poets. If anything, I think it might just be that you don't really notice it when you're younger, because going back to school and the general fall routine has its excitements. It's as you get older that you realize that time moves on even if you really don't feel ready yet, and you don't have major changes in your daily calendar to help you take advantage of what you have when you have it. In short, I believe it's a function of aging.
posted by Miko at 6:45 PM on August 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
Holy shit I just realized this is the last summer of my thirties and I did basically nothing.
I am going to soothe my rising panic with a glass of wine and remembering that fall is my favorite season anyway.
posted by jeoc at 7:55 PM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am going to soothe my rising panic with a glass of wine and remembering that fall is my favorite season anyway.
posted by jeoc at 7:55 PM on August 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
his name is ringing a faint bell for me and I can't figure out why...
Before he became an essayist, he was the cartoonist behind The Pain When Will It End.
See also today's "The Repugnance of Moral Scolds" re: Ashley Madison.
posted by snuffleupagus at 9:40 PM on August 31, 2015
Before he became an essayist, he was the cartoonist behind The Pain When Will It End.
See also today's "The Repugnance of Moral Scolds" re: Ashley Madison.
posted by snuffleupagus at 9:40 PM on August 31, 2015
See also today's "The Repugnance of Moral Scolds" re: Ashley Madison.
For how much I really enjoyed the OP, I'm surprised at how much this one grated on me. I feel like they're both equally pretentious, but somehow the pretentiousness works really well in the OP but not here. Maybe I'm just kind of annoyed that "killing an endangered lion for funsies" gets filed under "petty vices/hey whatever floats your boat lol" along with "drinking in the afternoons and sleeping around," and I'm kneejerking at that. I totally get the point he's trying to make here, about the disproportionate reactions/harassment, but he manages to come off as more insufferable than what he's criticizing.
Come on out here and give it five minutes. Especially on a day like today. You will think otherwise.
Even terrible weather can be nostalgic for like five minutes. I love hot, humid Florida nights as long as I get to go inside and sleep in the AC.
posted by Gymnopedist at 12:41 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
For how much I really enjoyed the OP, I'm surprised at how much this one grated on me. I feel like they're both equally pretentious, but somehow the pretentiousness works really well in the OP but not here. Maybe I'm just kind of annoyed that "killing an endangered lion for funsies" gets filed under "petty vices/hey whatever floats your boat lol" along with "drinking in the afternoons and sleeping around," and I'm kneejerking at that. I totally get the point he's trying to make here, about the disproportionate reactions/harassment, but he manages to come off as more insufferable than what he's criticizing.
Come on out here and give it five minutes. Especially on a day like today. You will think otherwise.
Even terrible weather can be nostalgic for like five minutes. I love hot, humid Florida nights as long as I get to go inside and sleep in the AC.
posted by Gymnopedist at 12:41 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
My baby was born on June 1st. So, at my house, there was no summer this year.
Seriously, I went to the beach for 5 hours on Saturday and I've been babbling on and on about it ever since, like we went on a three week cruise of the Mediterranean. Next year, there will be a summer!
posted by vignettist at 2:01 AM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Seriously, I went to the beach for 5 hours on Saturday and I've been babbling on and on about it ever since, like we went on a three week cruise of the Mediterranean. Next year, there will be a summer!
posted by vignettist at 2:01 AM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Come on out here and give it five minutes. Especially on a day like today. You will think otherwise.
Well, it's definitely one of those things that is really modulated by the amount of choice you have in engaging with it. If you are running to catch an overcrowded bus in your work clothes, then yeah, it's the worst. But if you get to drink something cheap and cold and alcoholic after playing softball outside in 90-degree humidity, that's a pretty great feeling. Snowstorms are the same category for me -- awesome, as long as you have shelter and adequate heat and don't really have to go anywhere or do anything. I grant that may seem like a pretty tenuous way for things to be awesome, but for whatever reason it's enough for me that the calculus works out to my missing them.
posted by en forme de poire at 11:19 AM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Well, it's definitely one of those things that is really modulated by the amount of choice you have in engaging with it. If you are running to catch an overcrowded bus in your work clothes, then yeah, it's the worst. But if you get to drink something cheap and cold and alcoholic after playing softball outside in 90-degree humidity, that's a pretty great feeling. Snowstorms are the same category for me -- awesome, as long as you have shelter and adequate heat and don't really have to go anywhere or do anything. I grant that may seem like a pretty tenuous way for things to be awesome, but for whatever reason it's enough for me that the calculus works out to my missing them.
posted by en forme de poire at 11:19 AM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
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opened a humane mousetrap only to have the captive mouse leap straight into my face while a friend was trying to leave an “out-of-office” voice mail message, which suddenly erupted into a chaos of little-girl screams and berserk cursing
Totally worth not going to Iceland.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:51 AM on August 31, 2015 [8 favorites]