In a knowing match nobody knows like Gaston

October 29, 2015 9:03 AM

Bot-ston is a Twitter bot which creates new verses in the style of Gaston's song from Beauty and the Beast.
posted by ActionPopulated (26 comments total)

This is scratching an itch I didn't know I had.
posted by Sternmeyer at 9:06 AM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

It's not terribly good at im-PROV-i-sation!
posted by Naberius at 9:15 AM on October 29, 2015 [14 favorites]

I freakin love that song. Back in High School we played that song for one of our Pops concerts. The trombones got to be loud and rowdy and fulfill all our oompa band desires. When we went to play a gig, sometimes our band director would have us all sing our part of the song in a hotel conference room, and I distinctively remember being in a rowdy line of trombonists lurching to the left and right while we practiced it. It probably goes down as one of my favorite road trip memories. To this day, that is still a song I can whip out the trombone and play by memory - particularly when I've hit a few too many beer steins. More verses = More drinking.
posted by Nanukthedog at 9:15 AM on October 29, 2015 [10 favorites]

[full Twitter profile for those not on mobile devices]
posted by koeselitz at 9:16 AM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

♫ No-one's dry as Gaston / A wild try like Gaston / No-one's got a thick cheese in his tie like Gaston ♫

It's very fond of cheese.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 9:54 AM on October 29, 2015

I snorted out loud at work reading this one:

♫ No-one butts like Gaston / Flounders guts like Gaston / In a cutting match nobody cuts like Gaston ♫

Suddenly I was imagining Gaston in a West Side Story rumble. He'd be ok with the dance moves, I think.
posted by chatongriffes at 10:04 AM on October 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

I recently re-watched this great, great film and during this number there is a pull away shot where Gaston declares that he 'uses antlers in all of my dec-or-ating!' and his pose is all crossed legs with a pointed toe - wait are the animators making him rather swish here? Is all this posturing for Belle just a search for a beard? Is this why he passes on all the other ladies?

For a 'ladies man' he sure is a dapper fellow... just saying.
posted by boubelium at 10:08 AM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yes yes yes this is so good thank you I love this! I finally understand what "Best of the Web" means!

As a kid my brother LOVED Gaston and was 100% sure he was the hero of the movie (allegedly still does). Sometimes I send him letters written by Gaston that congratulate him on using antlers in all of his decorating. Apparently my husband and I both independently sent this to my brother as soon as we saw it posted. Thank you for bringing my family closer together!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 10:10 AM on October 29, 2015 [13 favorites]

For a 'ladies man' he sure is a dapper fellow... just saying.

A lot of male Disney villains are pretty dandyish, yeah (Be Prepared! For sen-SAY-tional news!). Back in the day that was probably thought of as a good way to make them funny and menacing at the same time. Add it to the list of Problematic Stuff About Disney.
posted by officer_fred at 10:15 AM on October 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

My favorite Gaston riff:

No-one TWERKS like Gaston
Makes it WERK like Gaston
No-one drops down dat booty and JERKS like Gaston!
posted by Tknophobia at 10:31 AM on October 29, 2015 [26 favorites]

OK, the internet is done now. As far as I'm concerned it's fulfilled its purpose and we can turn it off.
posted by town of cats at 10:34 AM on October 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

No one tweets like Bot-ston / keeps the beat like Bot-ston / no one's resyntheses are as neat as Bot-ston
posted by cortex at 10:36 AM on October 29, 2015 [9 favorites]

In a perfect world, all news reportage would be done to this tune.

♫ No one sneers like the Trump!
No one jeers like the Trump!
No one panders to Tea Party fears like the Trump!
"I blame all of our problems on immigration."
My what a guy. It's the Trump! ♫
posted by yankeefog at 10:38 AM on October 29, 2015 [36 favorites]

When I was a kid I wondered why Gaston knew the word 'expectorating' and cries that he's 'evolving a plan' when he was otherwise presented as a know-nothing dolt who thought being called 'primeval' was a compliment but now that I'm an adult... I'm more confused as to why Lumiere has a French accent, like isn't everyone there actually speaking French?
posted by davidjmcgee at 10:45 AM on October 29, 2015 [8 favorites]

Noooo....onnnne...kicks like GastonA
Pulls a tick like GastonA
Is quite the insufferable prick like Gaston!
It's true that I'm quite infuriating...
Gosh what a dick that Gaston!
posted by eriko at 10:48 AM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Also I mean plus the enchantress was way off base in her punishment. Given that the rose was going to bloom until the prince's 21st birthday that means she punished a CHILD for not letting a stranger into his home which in and of itself seems pretty dang harsh but she also turned his household staff into furniture which is just totally inexcusable. It's not like they had a ton of options for other jobs in the feudal countryside. What a jerk.

Anyway off to sing this song for the rest of the day ever.
posted by davidjmcgee at 10:51 AM on October 29, 2015 [9 favorites]

I just attended the traveling Broadway production of this show and the Gaston in that show was tremendous. I also thought it was interesting that the show adds some detail to plot holes like why would the people in the castle be cursed too?

Anyway, this is a great post.
posted by bove at 11:12 AM on October 29, 2015

Also I mean plus the enchantress was way off base in her punishment. Given that the rose was going to bloom until the prince's 21st birthday that means she punished a CHILD for not letting a stranger into his home

This has always troubled me as well. I think I figured out at one point that Beast must have been 8 or 9 when the enchantress cursed him.
posted by briank at 11:29 AM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

When I was a kid I wondered why Gaston knew the word 'expectorating' and cries that he's 'evolving a plan' when he was otherwise presented as a know-nothing dolt who thought being called 'primeval' was a compliment

And yet... "No one spits like Gaston / matches wits like Gaston"

I think maybe he's just a bro.
posted by the_blizz at 12:05 PM on October 29, 2015

(Like the kind that goes to Harvard, gets a job on Wall St, and breaks the economy.)
posted by the_blizz at 12:05 PM on October 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

This has always troubled me as well. I think I figured out at one point that Beast must have been 8 or 9 when the enchantress cursed him.

Right?!?! What the hell.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 12:59 PM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

NO...
ONE...
SWEATS LIKE WILL GRAHAM...
h/t The Whelk
posted by Navelgazer at 1:17 PM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Belle is my favorite Disney princess. She's bookish, independent, and intelligent, basically the closest we'll see to a nerd princess. So what is her claim to fame? She "fixes" a rich dude and lives happily off him ever after. Seriously? Gaston is great, too, because he's the most realistic villain Disney has ever employed. He's not actually evil, just a self-absorbed low-class jerkish bro in exactly the same way as so many real-life assholes. I'm guessing Gaston is obsessed with Belle is because she's the only woman he's set his sights on that refused to, ah, succumb to his charms.

The fact the Beast's plot makes no sense (and once his beastliness is cured he becomes the most generic prince charming ever) isn't even close to the worst part about the movie. Belle and Gaston both deserve a better story than the one they got. Also, I'm guessing Lumiere is just double-french, like a womanizing upper-class Gaston.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 3:53 PM on October 29, 2015

I have a mix (okay, we call them "playlists" now) with this song, "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan, "Now That We're Men" from the Spongebob movie, and Queen's theme for Flash Gordon. And that's it, that's the whole mix, four songs, because I've never found anything else good enough for my personal canon of manliness camp. I should really be writing this on AskMe so I can get suggestions.
posted by thetortoise at 5:01 PM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

I loved this one when I saw the musical:

Who has brains like Gaston? / Entertains like Gaston? / Who can make up these endless refrains like Gaston?

And now, his refrains are truly endless.
posted by Gordafarin at 2:37 AM on October 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

I've never found anything else good enough for my personal canon of manliness camp.

In just seven days, I can make you a maaaan...
posted by saturday_morning at 8:53 AM on October 30, 2015 [3 favorites]