Wrinkles The Clown

November 5, 2015 7:33 AM

For a few hundred bucks cash, he told The Washington Post, he’ll make an appearance at your party or gathering, prank your friend or even scare your misbehaving kid straight, as he was recently hired to do by one mother looking for a way to reform her trouble-making 12-year-old.
posted by veedubya (34 comments total)

YIKES!!!
posted by valkane at 7:35 AM on November 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

Why oh why did I immediately think of these books?
posted by pxe2000 at 7:39 AM on November 5, 2015

and that's why you always leave a note
posted by any major dude at 7:42 AM on November 5, 2015 [19 favorites]

“He was scared of clowns and I showed up across the street from him at the bus stop and he just started crying in front of his friends and ran home,” Wrinkles told The Post, somewhat remorsefully, in his heavy New England accent. “His mother called back a few days later and said ‘Thank you!’ Now when he acts bad, she just has to ask him: ‘Do you want Wrinkles to come back?’ ”

Twenty years from now, this article will be referred to as People's Exhibit A.
posted by Etrigan at 7:47 AM on November 5, 2015 [57 favorites]

Desperate parents in Naples, Fla., have a new weapon in their arsenal for reining in misbehaving kids.

You can either use a martial metaphor or one of control, but saying that parents are

1. Using a clown,
2. as a weapon,
3. to rein in misbehaving children

is such a complete disaster of thought that one can't help noticing that the thing being described is itself incoherent and bizarre. It would have been better and less prejudicial to omit that squirrely non-explanation and just let the parents speak for themselves.
posted by clockzero at 7:51 AM on November 5, 2015 [7 favorites]

When did the SCP foundation hook up with Improv Everywhere?
posted by Smedleyman at 7:59 AM on November 5, 2015 [19 favorites]

no, you see, the squirrels are next if the creepy-ass clown doesn't work.
posted by indubitable at 7:59 AM on November 5, 2015 [3 favorites]

For a few hundred bucks cash, he told The Washington Post, he’ll make an appearance at your party or gathering, prank your friend or even scare your misbehaving kid ...

I lol'd at the insistence on cash. He won't entertain anyone's "strange fantasies," I see, but I'll bet he'd mow your lawn.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:08 AM on November 5, 2015

"I hereby tender my resignation as the Chair of the Naples Board of Tourism. On further reflection, our attempt at a viral campaign featuring Wrinkles the Clown on an inner tube floating down Naples many scenic waterways with a sign reading 'We All Float Down Here' was not only in poor taste but also opened the city up to legal challenges from Stephen King's publisher. I regret my errors and will now don the clown mask of contrition. If you need me, simply google Patchways the Clown or look for me by the sewer grate off Goodlette Road by Bambusa Bar and Grill."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:08 AM on November 5, 2015 [13 favorites]

Let's say that you want to move to Florida and start a new career as an old, terrifying clown. How do you distinguish yourself from all the other terrifying clowns who run the state?
posted by octobersurprise at 8:15 AM on November 5, 2015 [16 favorites]

Wrinkles declined to give his real name, but said he’s a 65-year-old Rhode Island transplant and military veteran who worked various jobs throughout his career before retiring a few years ago. He’s divorced, without family ties and moved to Florida about five years ago to escape the cold New England winters and settle into a more relaxed life, he said.

Everybody in RI seems to want to retire to Florida. This explains a lot about Florida (and RI). Given this fact, nothing in this story surprised me.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:15 AM on November 5, 2015

Fish, barrel.
posted by gottabefunky at 8:15 AM on November 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

no, you see, the squirrels are next if the creepy-ass clown doesn't work.

I was wrong to bring the squirrels into this. They are far less crazy as a group than these parents.
posted by clockzero at 8:22 AM on November 5, 2015

...began to indulge in his life-long appreciation for clowning.

I'm not sure he's really doing much to advance clowning as an art form. And based on the links that are inserted throughout the article, there is a lot of psychological abuse inflicted on kids in the name of discipline. It's no wonder there are so many screwed up adults out there.
posted by TedW at 8:24 AM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

For a few hundred more, Wrinkles will go home...
posted by Naberius at 8:28 AM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

And I'm pretty sure Rhode Island was like: No. Dude, no. This shit belongs in Florida. That's the place you need to be.
posted by Naberius at 8:29 AM on November 5, 2015 [9 favorites]

Come visit RI; there may be some surprises for you.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:33 AM on November 5, 2015

Based on the FPP text, I was kind of hoping this would be about Bill Murray.
posted by maryr at 8:36 AM on November 5, 2015 [4 favorites]

I agree that the links in the article are pretty troubling vis-a-vis parents conflating discipline with humiliation, but I seriously doubt that Wrinkles is going to scar a 12-year-old boy. Clowns are garish and (to some) creepy, but I call bullshit on this coulrophobia epidemic.
posted by queensissy at 8:53 AM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

Potential new career for Donald Trump. He wouldn't even need a mask!
posted by BungaDunga at 8:54 AM on November 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

Can't sleep. Clown will eat me!
posted by Hasteur at 9:07 AM on November 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

The creepy thing is how quickly I was reminded of Bill Murray's bank-robbing clown from Quick Change. (There's not that close of a resemblance, although Wrinkles does look like an older Bill Murray with minimal makeup.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:11 AM on November 5, 2015

Let's say that you want to move to Florida and start a new career as an old, terrifying clown. How do you distinguish yourself from all the other terrifying clowns who run the state?

Makeup.
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:15 AM on November 5, 2015 [5 favorites]

Just remember this the next time you read something terrible about FL. Chances are the perpetrator is a transplant from up north.
posted by photoslob at 9:52 AM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

“I’ve got women calling me all the time,” he said.

I interviewed a clown for a news story 30 years ago, and he told me exactly the same thing, only he wouldn't have sex with them while wearing his makeup because "that's a violation of the clown code."
posted by sixpack at 10:37 AM on November 5, 2015 [8 favorites]

But is Wrinkles a trained, certified meeting facilitator? No? Well then he's no Ouchie. (Some links NSFW.)
posted by lagomorphius at 11:18 AM on November 5, 2015

no, you see, the squirrels are next if the creepy-ass clown doesn't work.

Terrifying children is completely unchivalrous, and the Sciurine Monastic Brotherhood of Poor-Fellows and Crusader Knights would have no part with this.

Innoculation with scp-2327 is a bit overkill for most garden-variety naughtiness.

And scp-2797 is probably the nuclear option when it comes to raising a child.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:58 AM on November 5, 2015

Come visit anywhere that is not Naples, Florida. We don't have Wrinkles the Clown!
posted by Anne Neville at 12:05 PM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]

The University of Minnesota Clownalogical Protocol. For after you've tried nothing and spankology and you're still out of ideas.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 12:23 PM on November 5, 2015

I was just in Naples a few weeks ago for a Collier County Commission meeting and their legislative delegation hearings, and, um, yeah. Terrifying clown jokes get less and less funny.
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:20 PM on November 5, 2015

One of my friends got a job as a clown-for-hire when he was in university. One day he was driving to a gig and saw a mutual friend, who didn't know he had this job, walking down the street. So he honked and waved. Then he circled the block and did it again. And again. And again. In the non-clown friend's words when he told the tale; "Clown followin' me. Clown not leavin' me alone."
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:30 PM on November 5, 2015 [9 favorites]

That would be the best blues song of the 21st Century.
posted by Etrigan at 4:32 PM on November 5, 2015 [5 favorites]

This thread would not be complete without a link to Ouchy the Clown.
posted by toxic at 8:52 PM on November 5, 2015

A guy in a rubber mask, standing around.

The bar for scary is now very, very low.
posted by sonascope at 4:09 AM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]