"I don't know. It never really made sense to me."

November 16, 2015 8:10 AM

ESPN uses the "30 for 30" series to tackle the most important sporting event of the Cold War.

Just kidding.

Incidentally, Rocky IV turns 30 this year. Enjoy a look back at the film through it's plethora of cheesy 80's montages and Christ imagery.

posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI (26 comments total)

IN ORDER OF GREATNESS:

1. - Rocky IV
2. - Rocky from the film Mask, such a tender movie. And I mean Cher, CHER!
3. - Rocky III
4. - Rocky I
5. - Rocky II
6. - Rocky V
7. - Rocky Balboa
posted by Fizz at 8:25 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

Ascending or descending order? And where do you put Rocky Horror Picture Show?
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:41 AM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

Or Rocky the Flying Squirrel?
posted by holborne at 8:44 AM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

Be careful what you wish for, just imagine Stallone getting locked into a reboot as Dr Frank!?!? You'd have to watch.
posted by sammyo at 8:44 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

Ascending or descending order?

From top to bottom, greatest to worst.

And where do you put Rocky Horror Picture Show?

In its own superior class.
posted by Fizz at 8:45 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

Where's trainer Rocky from Creed rank? While were at it let's rank the best Creeds.

1. Helios
2. Adonis
3. Rocky 1 Apollo
4. Rocky 2 Apollo
5. Rocky 4 Apollo
..
100. The band
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:13 AM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

Stallone in the eighties was in a pumped-up, flag-waving, baroque world of his own design. Faced with making a sequel to Saturday Night Fever, he puts John Travolta through a bodybuilding regimen and centers his film around a dance musical called Satan's Alley, which looks like the sort of production that you'd associate more with Showgirls. Faced with making a sequel to First Blood, a good action film with a surprisingly downbeat ending, and with a James Cameron script in hand, he proceeds to make the sort of over-the-top* cheesefest that ends with him firing an RPG from the cockpit of the helicopter, somehow without frying the POWs behind him. Faced with trying to establish his own Dirty Harry-esque supercop franchise, he makes... Cobra, which I'm not sure how to describe, you mostly have to see it to believe it. (One way to think of it is that it's the film that Beverly Hills Cop would have been if Stallone had had his way.)

And, faced with coming up with something to top having Hulk Hogan and Mr. T in Rocky III, he unleashed Dolph Lundgren on the world. I'll leave you with Hunter S. Thompson's description of his viewing.

*Not to be confused with Over the Top, of course, Sly's attempt at establishing another feel-good underdog sports movie franchise.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:24 AM on November 16, 2015 [5 favorites]

Cobra, which I'm not sure how to describe, you mostly have to see it to believe it.

This pretty much sums up Cobra.
posted by 1970s Antihero at 9:36 AM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

7. - Rocky Balboa

Strong disagreement here. It may not be the "best," but it sure ain't No. 7.

Stallone's last two Rocky and Rambo movies were surprisingly good.

Rocky Balboa: "On Rotten Tomatoes, the film has a 76% "Certified Fresh" rating, based on 175 reviews, with an average rating of 6.5/10."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:38 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'd put that narrowly ahead of Cliffhanger. Stallone is best in a proper ensemble. Escape to Victory completes the trilogy of watchble Stallone movies.

No forgiveness for Judge Dredd.
posted by biffa at 10:07 AM on November 16, 2015

I'll leave you with Hunter S. Thompson's description of his viewing.

Somehow the review of Rocky IV ends with the author bludgeoning a wild dog to death out of self-defense? God even his 80s shit is gold.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:23 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

I don't recall a Judge Dredd movie from before 2012?

Wait till ArtW gets here, you will be able to read every scene in the scars on his psyche.
posted by biffa at 10:41 AM on November 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

Stallone in the eighties was in a pumped-up, flag-waving, baroque world of his own design.

He might not have been the celebrity America wanted back then, but he was the celebrity we deserved.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:43 AM on November 16, 2015 [6 favorites]

Stallone in the eighties was in a pumped-up, flag-waving, baroque world of his own design.

Cocaine is my grand unifying theory of Eighties pop culture.
posted by srboisvert at 10:50 AM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'll leave you with Hunter S. Thompson's description of his viewing.

God, but that man could write funny.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:01 AM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

Rocky (I) is in a class by itself. Let's face it, without Rocky, we would have had none of the other Rocky greatness.

So I am walking in Manhattan with my (at the time) wife when this short guy with two huge guys on either side of him walks toward and then past us. I casually say to my wife, that was Stallone. She says bullshit. Then, from about 10 yards away, Stallone turns and says, he's right then turns back around and keeps on walking. I wasn't sure if he had a sense of humor or he was insane, but it was a great moment in Manhattan celebrity sightings. Did I mention he is really surprisingly short?
posted by AugustWest at 11:46 AM on November 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

Did I mention he is really surprisingly short?

A cursory DuckDuckGo search has him at 5'9", which is about the average for an American man. So rather than being short per se, Sly Stallone is surprisingly average in height.

I'm 5'10", and I'm pretty sure that if I started walking around town with two 6'-plus bodyguards on either side of me that it might give people the impression that I was shorter than I really was.

(Not to take away from what must've been a pretty awesome celebrity sighting, of course.)
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:33 PM on November 16, 2015

Hollywood stars are notorious for exaggerating their height, though.

Fun fact: Tom Cruise is legally prohibited from riding 90% of U.S. roller coasters.
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:49 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

I remember being shocked when I saw Henry Rollins on the street some years back. He is actually rather teeny. Ok, well, if not actually teeny, way way way smaller than he looks on TV, where he appears somehow to be around 6'3" and hulking.
posted by holborne at 12:57 PM on November 16, 2015

William Goldman claimed Stallone was only 5'7", story retold here.
posted by biffa at 12:57 PM on November 16, 2015

He is NOT 5'9" I would bet my last dollar on him being not taller than 5'6"

Regardless, he is still Stallone. Badass steroid using bad actor that I love. When he gets out of the about to be flooded Holland tunnel, or when he and Arnold break out of that tanker prison, etc. There is a question on the green about people famous for being bad at what they do, and I am tempted to include Stallone. He got famous on Rocky and he cannot act his way out of a paper bag. But, who could play his roles better I ask?
posted by AugustWest at 12:58 PM on November 16, 2015

By odd circumstance I've been in proximity to both Bono and Stallone. Stallone is taller, but just barely. I'm pretty sure Bono is one of the wee folk.
posted by doctoryes at 2:03 PM on November 16, 2015

I thought was very good in the underrated Cop Land
posted by fullerine at 2:31 PM on November 16, 2015

This was surprisingly funny, and had great production values as well. The ESPN talking heads were totally on point, and that Russian dude was fucking hilarious.
posted by Sphinx at 2:37 PM on November 16, 2015

I'll totally recommend Red Army which is basically this but about the Soviet ice hockey team, and all true.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:07 PM on November 16, 2015

And never forget you've gonna eat lightning, and you're gonna crap thunder!
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:10 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]