just the sounds of buzzing flies and sobbing
December 28, 2015 10:43 PM Subscribe
The art of tour guiding
When you’re driving a bus full of tourists through the Australian outback,
a packet of chewing gum may be your only hope.
I like this article by him also. Especially this line:
And every song was in the key of C major. I tried to play a B flat once, and the pastor stopped the whole band and said, “Not in this church. Maybe with the Presbyterians.”</
posted by gt2 at 12:31 AM on December 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
And every song was in the key of C major. I tried to play a B flat once, and the pastor stopped the whole band and said, “Not in this church. Maybe with the Presbyterians.”</
posted by gt2 at 12:31 AM on December 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
No one’s heard of the Mereenie or the Carmichael sandstone.
I have!
posted by Mezentian at 12:32 AM on December 29, 2015
I have!
posted by Mezentian at 12:32 AM on December 29, 2015
yes. that Outback heat. That Christmas heat. It's uncanny. Great writing.
posted by awfurby at 1:10 AM on December 29, 2015
posted by awfurby at 1:10 AM on December 29, 2015
This is fantastic. I really liked this piece too, about the state of literary fiction in Australia.
posted by twirlypen at 1:11 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by twirlypen at 1:11 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
There is a subtle but important difference between taking care of your passengers and serving them. When they see you running around like I did with the quails, it feels like servitude. And in gaining a servant, they lose a leader.
Nice work.
posted by Thella at 1:45 AM on December 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
Nice work.
posted by Thella at 1:45 AM on December 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
Tips for tour guides: even though it may be what is uppermost in your mind, the topic of your impending divorce and custody battle is not, in fact, what the captive audience headed to the WA Birds of Prey Centre want to hear about. For hours.
posted by gingerest at 4:00 AM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by gingerest at 4:00 AM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
A really fine article that I never would have seen otherwise, with many excellent sentences. Thanks Joe. I've been a tour guide in and around Acadia National Park since 1993 – on buses, on foot, and in boats – but only for three hours at most, never overnight like Skinner. I stopped at the end of the 2012 season, maybe for good, after 600+ episodes of a lighthouse tour I originated; when the company switched the schedule around and wanted me to come in before noon, I said no thank you. By then I had found that these days it's very difficult to talk to people who aren't really paying attention anyway, because they might be missing something coming in (or going out) over their phones.
No one’s heard of the Mereenie or the Carmichael sandstone. Furthermore, no one can properly imagine how old 400 million years is, or, for that matter, 360 million years. What exactly are the tourists being offered that they can’t get themselves with an encyclopaedia and a tranquilliser dart?
This was a mistake I could have made at the beginning, when I went on a training tour bus drive with a pompous older guide – he's probably still wearing his Australian bush hat, I think it was, on the Maine cost – who seemed completely in charge, passing out rock samples and listing geological eras for his customers. Quite impressive, I thought, until one of the passengers at a rest stop told me he hated the guy: "I feel like I'm trapped back in the third grade, with a horrible teacher ordering me to sit there and shut up while he lectures at me."
Seems to me that tourists mostly want to feel welcomed, wherever they are, so instead of spouting facts, I'd let them do a lot of the talking – where they were from, what they wanted to know, etc. At one point, years ago, there were 210 cities in the U.S. with a population of 100,000+, and I'd been through 194 of them, so I often spent the tours talking about their parts of the country. (On one notable occasion, a guy and I tried to recreate the lineup of the 1957 AL champion Chicago White Sox. On another, it turned out that the man had graduated from my high school in Pennsylvania, the same year as me, and we'd never seen each other before.) Most of the time it worked, and if it didn't, everyone was gone in three hours anyway. Many many people have told me I was their favorite tour guide ever – I knew it wasn't what I knew, though, it was that I let them be part of their own tour.
posted by LeLiLo at 4:20 AM on December 29, 2015 [30 favorites]
No one’s heard of the Mereenie or the Carmichael sandstone. Furthermore, no one can properly imagine how old 400 million years is, or, for that matter, 360 million years. What exactly are the tourists being offered that they can’t get themselves with an encyclopaedia and a tranquilliser dart?
This was a mistake I could have made at the beginning, when I went on a training tour bus drive with a pompous older guide – he's probably still wearing his Australian bush hat, I think it was, on the Maine cost – who seemed completely in charge, passing out rock samples and listing geological eras for his customers. Quite impressive, I thought, until one of the passengers at a rest stop told me he hated the guy: "I feel like I'm trapped back in the third grade, with a horrible teacher ordering me to sit there and shut up while he lectures at me."
Seems to me that tourists mostly want to feel welcomed, wherever they are, so instead of spouting facts, I'd let them do a lot of the talking – where they were from, what they wanted to know, etc. At one point, years ago, there were 210 cities in the U.S. with a population of 100,000+, and I'd been through 194 of them, so I often spent the tours talking about their parts of the country. (On one notable occasion, a guy and I tried to recreate the lineup of the 1957 AL champion Chicago White Sox. On another, it turned out that the man had graduated from my high school in Pennsylvania, the same year as me, and we'd never seen each other before.) Most of the time it worked, and if it didn't, everyone was gone in three hours anyway. Many many people have told me I was their favorite tour guide ever – I knew it wasn't what I knew, though, it was that I let them be part of their own tour.
posted by LeLiLo at 4:20 AM on December 29, 2015 [30 favorites]
My favorite bus tour ever was in Iceland where the guide effortlessly switched back and forth between:
- Accurate scientific descriptions of the geologic features we were observing.
- "I will now sing a song."
- "And a troll lives up there..."
posted by lagomorphius at 5:10 AM on December 29, 2015 [32 favorites]
- Accurate scientific descriptions of the geologic features we were observing.
- "I will now sing a song."
- "And a troll lives up there..."
posted by lagomorphius at 5:10 AM on December 29, 2015 [32 favorites]
You start off setting the scene, explaining how you were in Sydney this one time, and you were caught in the rain because the bus was late, and suddenly the Germans are all falling about with laughter. “I know, I know!” they say, with tears streaming down their faces. “The buses are always late!”
As a German, I can confirm this is true. The buses are always late! What?
posted by mortimore at 5:16 AM on December 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
As a German, I can confirm this is true. The buses are always late! What?
posted by mortimore at 5:16 AM on December 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
This was a fantastic read, thanks for posting!
I'm going to send this to one of my friends is a tour guide, even if in a far less adventurous country. Some of the aspects of group dynamics and dealing with the unexpected and accidents and bitchy tourists can be so typical. Of all tourist experiences, organized bus tours are the one that can so often end up confirming the funniest/worst stereotypes about any nationality. They can also be great fun though, when the people in a group are a good match.
This is so brilliant because on top of all that and the humour, it does give you a good sense of the places he's talking about. And it's so nicely written. He's a great narrator.
One thing that surprised me was realising he's not just the tour guide but the driver too. I thought that was unusual, especially on such long tours. That's a lot of extra responsibility.
posted by bitteschoen at 5:30 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm going to send this to one of my friends is a tour guide, even if in a far less adventurous country. Some of the aspects of group dynamics and dealing with the unexpected and accidents and bitchy tourists can be so typical. Of all tourist experiences, organized bus tours are the one that can so often end up confirming the funniest/worst stereotypes about any nationality. They can also be great fun though, when the people in a group are a good match.
This is so brilliant because on top of all that and the humour, it does give you a good sense of the places he's talking about. And it's so nicely written. He's a great narrator.
One thing that surprised me was realising he's not just the tour guide but the driver too. I thought that was unusual, especially on such long tours. That's a lot of extra responsibility.
posted by bitteschoen at 5:30 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Most tourists book the tour to see Uluru, but it’s the experiences in between that really make the trip memorable.
Tourists book the tour to see the 300 miles of lovely scenery from and back to Alice Springs?
He left out the hundred and sixty-seven different species of poisonous snakes.
posted by bukvich at 6:13 AM on December 29, 2015
Tourists book the tour to see the 300 miles of lovely scenery from and back to Alice Springs?
He left out the hundred and sixty-seven different species of poisonous snakes.
posted by bukvich at 6:13 AM on December 29, 2015
"... and you know what that tour guide's name was? Imperator Furiosa."
posted by um at 6:14 AM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by um at 6:14 AM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
My favorite bus tour ever was in Iceland...
Where? I think I might take a trip there especially to be guided by this person.
A large, extra level of kudos to those guides who navigate the minefield involved in working in a foreign language. I remember a Parisian tour leader whose command of English pronunciation and vocabulary was extremely impressive. Unfortunately she hadn't grasped the cultural nuance whereby describing- to a bus-load of mostly elderly Brits - the people who had put detergent in the Fontaine Saint-Sulpice, as "those sneaky fuckers" might be lead to a raised eyebrow or two.
posted by rongorongo at 6:39 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Where? I think I might take a trip there especially to be guided by this person.
A large, extra level of kudos to those guides who navigate the minefield involved in working in a foreign language. I remember a Parisian tour leader whose command of English pronunciation and vocabulary was extremely impressive. Unfortunately she hadn't grasped the cultural nuance whereby describing- to a bus-load of mostly elderly Brits - the people who had put detergent in the Fontaine Saint-Sulpice, as "those sneaky fuckers" might be lead to a raised eyebrow or two.
posted by rongorongo at 6:39 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
"No one knows, incidentally, why Australia's spiders are so extravagantly toxic; capturing small insects and injecting them with enough poison to drop a horse would appear to be the most literal case of overkill. Still, it does mean that everyone gives them lots of space."--Bill Bryson
posted by Melismata at 8:02 AM on December 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 8:02 AM on December 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
You should never, or almost never, give your tourists the choice between two options. This is a mistake inexperienced guides often make. Are you not the leader of this expedition? Have you not been here a hundred times before and know what it’s about? Don’t go inflicting the misery of democracy on them. It may seem generous and noble, but in the middle of an Australian summer I have seen some people reduced to tears.
This is, in fact, fantastic tour-guiding advice.
posted by desuetude at 8:26 AM on December 29, 2015 [9 favorites]
This is, in fact, fantastic tour-guiding advice.
posted by desuetude at 8:26 AM on December 29, 2015 [9 favorites]
I had a tour guide tell the group once that he made up one fact for every tour (this was a day trip to battlefields in the Low Countries (shut up, it was for work)), so pay attention. Worked like a charm, and when he revealed to us at the end that "I make up one fact for every tour" was the thing he'd made up, we all had a chuckle.
posted by Etrigan at 9:35 AM on December 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 9:35 AM on December 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
I had a tour guide tell the group once that he made up one fact for every tour
Dirty little secret of city tours: the amount of made-up stuff rivals that you heard over family dinner last week from your reactionary uncle. I have been a tour guide and have occasionally invented a date to keep the tour moving (Tourist: "When was that building built?" Me: (glancing at the architecture): "1849*. Now, up ahead on the left..."
On the other hand, I have seen a legendary, award-winning professional guide plunge into anachronisms a half-dozen times in a tour of Toronto's Old City Hall: he mentioned that the grand lobby had hosted receptions for many storied visitors, including (among others he listed) Walt Whitman. Old City Hall opened in 1899, at which time Whitman was seven years in his grave. (He had visited in 1880.)
* I looked it up later. 1851.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:59 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Dirty little secret of city tours: the amount of made-up stuff rivals that you heard over family dinner last week from your reactionary uncle. I have been a tour guide and have occasionally invented a date to keep the tour moving (Tourist: "When was that building built?" Me: (glancing at the architecture): "1849*. Now, up ahead on the left..."
On the other hand, I have seen a legendary, award-winning professional guide plunge into anachronisms a half-dozen times in a tour of Toronto's Old City Hall: he mentioned that the grand lobby had hosted receptions for many storied visitors, including (among others he listed) Walt Whitman. Old City Hall opened in 1899, at which time Whitman was seven years in his grave. (He had visited in 1880.)
* I looked it up later. 1851.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:59 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
This was great, and I'll send it to my brother who used to be a tour guide around Uluru. It was topped off to perfection by the comment from some bloviating jerk about how this just confirmed his impression that Australia was a hellhole of thieves where the hospitality workers have no respect for tourists and he advises everyone to stay away. Fantastic!
posted by the agents of KAOS at 5:18 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by the agents of KAOS at 5:18 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Dirty little secret of city tours: the amount of made-up stuff rivals that you heard over family dinner last week from your reactionary uncle.
Now, now, not always. I prided myself on being a tour guide who was willing to say, "I don't know." I also did a shitload of research so that I knew the answers to most questions, though, and I have the impression (based on the very many city tours I have started with high hopes and ended with reinforced misanthropy) that I may have not been the norm.
I did lie, when I first started, about how long I had been a tour guide. "Three months" was my answer from day one until day 90, "six months" from day 90 to day 180. I was pretty honest about it after that.
posted by jaguar at 9:09 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Now, now, not always. I prided myself on being a tour guide who was willing to say, "I don't know." I also did a shitload of research so that I knew the answers to most questions, though, and I have the impression (based on the very many city tours I have started with high hopes and ended with reinforced misanthropy) that I may have not been the norm.
I did lie, when I first started, about how long I had been a tour guide. "Three months" was my answer from day one until day 90, "six months" from day 90 to day 180. I was pretty honest about it after that.
posted by jaguar at 9:09 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ah that was great, thanks! Love the description of Coober Pedy particularly, about which I have always been curious but where I have never been. The tree made out of scrap metal so the kids have something to climb was particularly hilarious. I am just imagining kids daring each other to try climbing it after it's been baking in the sun for two hours... three hours... no kidding, I climbed it bare handed when the sun had been up for four hours and twenty-two minutes!
And not wanting to take a picture of a scenic mountain that isn't the scenic mountain. Gold.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:42 PM on December 29, 2015
And not wanting to take a picture of a scenic mountain that isn't the scenic mountain. Gold.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:42 PM on December 29, 2015
My favorite bus tour ever was in Iceland...
Where? I think I might take a trip there especially to be guided by this person.
It was just the usual circuit around everything within driving distance of Reykjavik that all the hotels do. I suspect anybody can be a tour guide, most of them are students, and the rules are pretty loose, except for all the mandatory stops at the souvenir shops to "rest."
posted by lagomorphius at 7:28 AM on December 30, 2015
Where? I think I might take a trip there especially to be guided by this person.
It was just the usual circuit around everything within driving distance of Reykjavik that all the hotels do. I suspect anybody can be a tour guide, most of them are students, and the rules are pretty loose, except for all the mandatory stops at the souvenir shops to "rest."
posted by lagomorphius at 7:28 AM on December 30, 2015
Also the world's flattest and warmest ski resort!
Nullarbor Links: The World's Longest Golf Course
posted by Joe in Australia at 7:47 PM on January 2, 2016
Nullarbor Links: The World's Longest Golf Course
posted by Joe in Australia at 7:47 PM on January 2, 2016
MetaFilter: Try to think only of very active things, like being chased by wolves or robbing a supermarket.
(I suddenly very much want to go on a trip with this guy, and TBH I really don't care where we go.)
posted by wenestvedt at 8:36 AM on January 27, 2016
(I suddenly very much want to go on a trip with this guy, and TBH I really don't care where we go.)
posted by wenestvedt at 8:36 AM on January 27, 2016
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posted by rongorongo at 11:54 PM on December 28, 2015 [3 favorites]