Think You're Done? You Thought Wrong.

January 22, 2016 7:37 AM

25 Steps To Being A Traditionally Published Author: Lazy Bastard Edition. Your brief guide through the process, from drafting (5. All First Drafts Are Word Vomit Made Of Horse Shit) to querying (14. I Have Queried Every Agent In The Entire Universe, And No) to post-publication (25. My Book Sales Did Not Exceed My Wildest Dreams And I’m Disappointed Because My Publisher Didn’t Get Me Enough Publicity And Barnes And Noble Doesn’t Carry It And I Wasn’t On Oprah And 50 Shades Sucked Butt And Wah).

"There’s always someone selling better and getting better numbers, whether they’re a young upstart or a seasoned pro with a backlist and a street team. And you can’t pay attention to that noise, because that’s not what it’s about. That’s not why you opened that first document and started typing. At the end of the day, at the end of the party, at the end of the Amazon numbers, you are a storyteller sitting at a keyboard and dreaming, and so long as that’s what it’s about, you’re going to be fine."

posted by showbiz_liz (13 comments total)

Wait, jscalzi says his own first drafts are fantastic? That must be awkward at parties.

(For the record, I refuse to believe that he says that.)
posted by Atrahasis at 7:49 AM on January 22, 2016

First drafts are uniformly brilliant. Until you go back and read them.
posted by From Bklyn at 7:53 AM on January 22, 2016 [18 favorites]

I always find that my first drafts are both uniformly brilliant and horse-shit word vomit. It's the tension that derives from it being both at once that creates the energy to fuel my incredible procrastination about writing.
posted by nubs at 8:18 AM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I love this.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:21 AM on January 22, 2016

I really enjoyed reading this. I'm not a writer, although I wish I was. The farthest I've gotten into writing anything was 10,000 words into a NaNoWriMo story. Although I didn't actually finish the story, I learned that writing really is a lot of work.

I didn't realize until I was in college that writers don't just write perfect first drafts. I just assumed that good writers just sat in front of their computers or notebooks, thought really hard, and then just blasted out perfect sentences and paragraphs. This article was a great insight into the revision process as well as how much work it is to get traditionally published.
posted by A Bad Catholic at 8:44 AM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I am a writer and she is totally on point. That shit hurts. I got a buddy for the next one because spelunking into the depths of words that are supposed to make pictures in the heads of people you don't know is one of the least practical things you can do with your time.

But damn it's fun.
posted by LuckyMonkey21 at 9:08 AM on January 22, 2016

Speaking as someone who's making a decent living mostly through self-publishing novels: Every time I look at it or hear trad pub writers talk about the trade, every time I look at calls for submissions to anthologies (a way to get exposure & make connections), when I hear about due dates and release dates...part of me cringes.

I don't know if I would've made it without the self-pub world (and Amazon, specifically). So many hoops. So much bullshit. So many very good books that don't get published because even if they're better than what's on the shelves, they don't fit into the publisher's calendar or aren't what's hip right now or whatever--like an awesome band that never makes it commercially because the lead singer isn't pretty. And maybe I'd have made it just fine, because I really did want it, and that desire may have pushed me through these hoops.

It's all a trade-off, of course, and that's not including the immense role that luck plays in what you do regardless of your path. I lose out on a lot of things by not jumping through the hoops. But every time I look at all the hoops, I can't say I regret going a different route. The drawbacks seem more than worth it so far.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 9:11 AM on January 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

I've always been better at writing the acknowledgement section of my novel than the novel itself. Which I'm pretty sure helps explain why I've never published a novel. Turns out to be really hard if you haven't actually written one. Reminds me of those ridiculous Craigs List ads where a person has a great idea for a book and is just looking for someone else to do the grunt work of actually writing it down. Um, yeah right.
posted by Bella Donna at 9:29 AM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Oh man, "Art Harder" is quite possibly the first phrase I've ever considered getting as a tattoo.
posted by thecaddy at 9:33 AM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Art Harder is my porno name.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:42 AM on January 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

Reminds me of what Kurt Andersen calls book release time: the calm before the calm.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:21 AM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

The other blog post of 25 Humpalicious Steps for Writing Your First Sex Scene by the same guest blogger is full of solid advice, btw. And hilarity.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 11:30 AM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I just assumed that good writers just sat in front of their computers or notebooks, thought really hard, and then just blasted out perfect sentences and paragraphs.

"I use a dip pen. Everybody on earth used to have one. They were in every post office in the land. I like the feel that a pen or pencil gives you, being in close touch with the paper and with nothing mechanical between you and it. The very notion of a word processor horrifies me. When I’ve finished a draft, I make changes in the margin. Then I make a fair copy. I also edit the fair copy somewhat when I type it on big yellow sheets so I can see it in print for the first time. I correct those outsized yellow sheets, then retype them on regular eight and a half by eleven pages for the printer. I’ve had poet friends tell me they never type a poem until they are really satisfied with it. Once they see it in print it is very different from what it was in longhand. It freezes the poem for them."
posted by BWA at 7:56 PM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]