We’re not doing science, we’re doing magic.

February 20, 2016 9:47 AM

Garlic Bread of the Revolution: My suggestion? Share this bread with people you really like, so you’ll all smell like garlic.
posted by Evilspork (69 comments total)

What a delightful recipe, and a great read. Thanks for posting this!
posted by Elly Vortex at 10:07 AM on February 20, 2016

Is the point of this that his garlic bread recipe is the same as everyone else's garlic bread recipe, so we could all start a revolution?

Although he'd do better to wrap it in foil for the first half of the cooking, to improve flavour permeation and avoid dryness.
posted by howfar at 10:08 AM on February 20, 2016 [11 favorites]

Every now and then I forget about garlic bread, and then something pops up that reminds me of it and how much I adore it.

I have some Thai arriving shortly for dinner and whilst it will be very good, I now yearn for garlic bread.
posted by sektah at 10:11 AM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

yeah the raw garlic/roast garlic policy in this house is "We both have to eat it so we both can't smell it"

One time I ate a heaping pile barely roast (really, warmed) crushed garlic on toast with butter and chives and that means I'm never, ever getting sick again? That's how that works?
posted by The Whelk at 10:21 AM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

You can't start with a loaf of already made bread! You have to make the bread first, then make the garlic bread. No shortcuts in the revolution!
posted by cjorgensen at 10:24 AM on February 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

"The dog wags his tail, not for you, but for your bread."

-Portuguese Proverb.
posted by clavdivs at 10:31 AM on February 20, 2016 [15 favorites]

sektah:I have some Thai arriving shortly for dinner and whilst it will be very good, I now yearn for garlic bread.

There's some reason why you can't have garlic bread with Thai? or, indeed, anything else? I may have been doing things wrong...
posted by merlynkline at 10:31 AM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

that means I'm never, ever getting sick again?

Sex again. Never ever getting sex again.
posted by howfar at 10:35 AM on February 20, 2016 [8 favorites]

You can't start with a loaf of already made bread! You have to make the bread first, then make the garlic bread. No shortcuts in the revolution!

If you wish to make an garlic bread from scratch, you must first invent the universe.
posted by Evilspork at 10:36 AM on February 20, 2016 [22 favorites]

Yes, for all the talk about economy, I don't get why he doesn't bake the bread. It's much cheaper and better. Maybe he is too ambitious about it? Sourdough bread is all good and revolutionary, but so is a plain loaf made with flour, water, salt and a pinch of yeast.
posted by mumimor at 10:37 AM on February 20, 2016

this article got one thing right:
making garlic bread (from bought bread) is to cooking as eating garlic bread is to having a revolution.
posted by andrewcooke at 10:38 AM on February 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

merlynkline:There's some reason why you can't have garlic bread with Thai?

Oh no, if you're having garlic bread with anything you're objectively doing things right! I just don't have the right stuff lying around the house at the moment sadly - but amending the shopping order right now!
posted by sektah at 10:39 AM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm sure the author thinks everything he does is revolutionary. He probably is so good at taking a dump that it could cause a revolution.

While I wanted to like the "pagan anti-captialist" manifesto, I guess they don't realize that without capitalism there wouldn't be a neo-pagan or other recontructionist movement. Ah, well.
posted by Docrailgun at 10:47 AM on February 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

If you wish to make an garlic bread from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

No one person can make a loaf of bread.
posted by maudlin at 10:51 AM on February 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

While I wanted to like the "pagan anti-captialist" manifesto, I guess they don't realize that without capitalism there wouldn't be a neo-pagan or other recontructionist movement. Ah, well.

Marx was of the view that communism was impossible except as a result of capitalism. But I'm still pretty certain he was a communist.
posted by howfar at 10:55 AM on February 20, 2016 [9 favorites]

Yes, for all the talk about economy, I don't get why he doesn't bake the bread. It's much cheaper and better. Maybe he is too ambitious about it? Sourdough bread is all good and revolutionary, but so is a plain loaf made with flour, water, salt and a pinch of yeast.

I thought the point of the piece was that most of us don't have time to do things like make bread because of Capitalism, and he was taking a stance of compassion towards that instead of shaming the reader. Which I found refreshing. I also liked his story about the rosemary bush. I planted a bush in the last place we lived and we used it for cooking, though I found that it was better when it had hung up and dried a bit.

The kid's been asking about doing some gardening, I think we'll plant some herbs.
posted by emjaybee at 10:57 AM on February 20, 2016 [21 favorites]

Oh, boy, there's a lot that he could do to make his garlic bread a lot better and easier. He could probably begin by making a bunch of compound butter on the first day of the month. He could also warm the butter faster by putting it a warmed bowl first (don't worry dude, it won't melt and if it does it's ok, it will reform) Combining his parsley, garlic, and oregano (and red pepper flakes) and butter and freezing it gives the ingredients time to intermingle. It has the added benefit that now anyone who wants garlic bread has much easier access to it. (Also I like to combine a little bit of olive oil with the butter, I think it's really nice).

I like to cut the whole loaf in half, and then cut the vents into it. Then I bake it. I like it to be a just a little golden when it comes out.

I also REALLY love to make it like pan de tomate. You grill your bread with a decent amount of butter and when it's nice and done scrape it with a raw bit of garlic, sprinkle it with salt and maybe a bit of finely chopped parsley.

I like garlic bread.
posted by Neronomius at 11:02 AM on February 20, 2016 [9 favorites]

if time is the issue, why the hell are you buttering each individual slice of bread?

What you want is a decent sort of french loaf, cut it not in slices but once length-wise, so you're looking at two big slabs of exposed bread.

Add your garlic-butter -- whatever else you feel appropriate.

Stick it in the oven at 350 -- ready within ten minutes.
posted by philip-random at 11:03 AM on February 20, 2016

I am cursed by an intolerance/allergy to alliums such as garlic and onions.
posted by humanfont at 11:22 AM on February 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

This is nice, but his insistence that I don't have time to bake bread has me planning to start a no-knead loaf this afternoon.
posted by misskaz at 11:30 AM on February 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

I shall henceforth refer to Seattle solely as the Occupied Duwamish Territory.
posted by bonje at 11:35 AM on February 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

I'm sure his is pretty revolutionary, but the difference between his and mine is a) I don't use sourdough, it fights with the garlic/butter flavor, and b) I don't lecture people about capitalism (I assume you already know.)
posted by blnkfrnk at 11:40 AM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

I think it's annoying that a reassuring article on how easy it is to make fantastic garlic bread and how I don't have to feel guilty about not buying organic or prioritizing the time for making my own bread has all these comments about how he's doing it wrong and how there should be all these extra steps to make it delicious for real and how you, personally, of course, bake your own bread.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:43 AM on February 20, 2016 [38 favorites]

And for the cat-lovers among us, garlic has been shown to exert a protective effect against toxoplasma (giardia doesn't like it either, I read recently).
posted by jamjam at 11:44 AM on February 20, 2016

What you want is a decent sort of french loaf, cut it not in slices but once length-wise, so you're looking at two big slabs of exposed bread.

That's not garlic bread - that's a garlic sub.
posted by pipeski at 11:49 AM on February 20, 2016 [8 favorites]

I enjoyed this. I can't eat dairy, and I miss the taste of buttery garlic bread. Garlic bread with olive oil is delicious, just in a different way. Thanks for posting this; it made me smile.
posted by theora55 at 11:49 AM on February 20, 2016

Parsley is essential? Really? Well, damn, Mrs. CarrionComfort is going to hate all future garlic bread. Oh, well. Can't stop the revolution.
posted by carrioncomfort at 11:51 AM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and I'm glad its Metafilter where I found the link.
posted by infini at 12:03 PM on February 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

and how you, personally, of course, bake your own bread.

I apologize if my comment came across that way! I seriously bake my own bread like 4-5 times a year, it's not a thing I do often. For some reason I was just inspired by this article to do so this weekend.

Again, my apologies for making anyone feel bad about their food choices. That's not cool at all.
posted by misskaz at 12:09 PM on February 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

He forgot the olive oil.
posted by Splunge at 12:10 PM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

I like to combine a little bit of olive oil with the butter

me too. I'm also a fan of melting olive oil, butter and garlic together in a saucepan and then brushing it onto the bread with a pastry brush. It takes the raw green flavor out of the garlic and brings out a lot of gorgeously scented compounds.

Also, I agree that sourdough is not the right type of bread. An Italian loaf is - you'll know what I mean if you grew up with Italian loaf. It's a very white, dense-crumb bread, long loaf like French bread but much thicker and wider, and crusty. Sometimes it'll have sesame seeds sprinkled on top. The pale flavor and spongey texture work really well for absorbing a butter-garlic mixture.

I adore garlic bread but it's only for special occasions in my house. It's just too rich and I will eat an entire half a loaf.
posted by Miko at 12:24 PM on February 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think it's annoying that a reassuring article on how easy it is to make fantastic garlic bread and how I don't have to feel guilty about not buying organic or prioritizing the time for making my own bread has all these comments about how he's doing it wrong

I think it's inevitable. Not because people are dicks, but because sharing cooking tips is a more fundamental social drive than reproduction.
posted by howfar at 12:27 PM on February 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

A round of soda bread literally takes 5 minutes to prepare and maybe an hour to bake. You can mix up batches of the dry ingredient ahead of time and store them in containers. Just add buttermilk and mix with your hands - no kneading necessary. Plop it on a sheet and bake it. Bread done.
If soda bread isn't good enough, a bread machine does all the work for you, including baking. You can dump all the stuff in the machine and set it to bake so it's ready when you want it - even hours later.
"I think it's annoying that a reassuring article on how easy it is to make fantastic garlic bread and how I don't have to feel guilty about not buying organic or prioritizing the time for making my own bread has all these comments about how he's doing it wrong and how there should be all these extra steps to make it delicious for real and how you, personally, of course, bake your own bread."
posted by Docrailgun at 12:32 PM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Anyone who thinks garlic makes you smell bad in some way needs to go somewhere where there's so much garlic it becomes part of the atmosphere (Portugal, Spain, Gilroy) so they can realize that garlic actually smells great! And is an aphrodisiac!
posted by chavenet at 1:16 PM on February 20, 2016 [6 favorites]

We can contrast this recipe against a garlic bread recipe by a stooge of capitalism. I give you the ingredients for Guy Fieri's Garlic Bread (page 71 of Guy Fieri Food)

2 garlic heads
olive oil
salt and pepper
2 sticks butter
1/2 cup mayonnaise
pinch paprika
1 tsp Italian seasoning
1 tbsp chopped parsley
1 tsp sea salt
1 tsp chili flakes
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
one sourdough loaf, split in half
basil leaves
1/2 chopped sun dried tomatoes (it doesn't specify half of what, one tomato?)
1 1/2 tbsp grated parmesan cheese.

"You're gonna dig this." this recipe says.

I think I'm ready for the revolution.
posted by Neronomius at 1:17 PM on February 20, 2016 [10 favorites]

jeez no just buy a pre-sliced italian loaf (or a whole one, if you must, and slice it - but only like 7/8 of the way, leaving the bottom crust intact, as suggested by the article)

butter each slice with margarine. or actual-butter, if you must.

dried garlic-salt into each slice.

wrap in foil and into preheated oven.

that's it.
posted by dorian at 1:32 PM on February 20, 2016

I wonder what Marie Antoinette would say about this?
posted by adept256 at 1:37 PM on February 20, 2016

"You're gonna dig this." this recipe says.

Yeah - about two feet deep in the far corner of my yard, under cover of night, then salt (non-garlic-type) the ground around it.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:37 PM on February 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

I do truly love garlic salt for my garlic bread. We buy Lawry's which also has parsley. But sometimes I go nuts and add Tony's. NOM.
posted by Night_owl at 2:32 PM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

I don't think he's doing it wrong. I think he's doing in a completely normal way, so I was extremely disappointed after the buildup about how he has the most amazing recipe for garlic bread ever.

Unless that was the point?
posted by kanewai at 2:39 PM on February 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

cheese is great. cheese is fine. shredded+melted or shaved+dry, you really can't go wrong. but this sort of substantially alters the native state of a junky basic comfort side dish. as does any sort of fresh or dried green herb or plant.

and, yeah if you have Tony Chachere's or Shichimi/Togarashii or whatever $random_red_pepper_thing, you gots to throw that in. it just becomes GARLIC_BREAD_HOW_WE_DO.

(sorry I don't know why I look down on Lawry's, I think it has do something with my hatred of celery...)
posted by dorian at 2:56 PM on February 20, 2016

I make mine by spreading aioli on split ciabatta and baking it til brown and crunchy. And by aioli, I mean Hellman's with chopped garlic and garlic powder.
posted by STFUDonnie at 2:57 PM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

(also I did not think I would feel compelled to state this explicitly -
in the NA/US midwest - grocery stores basically, every day, sold 7/8 sliced Italian loaves wrapped in foil. for what purpose, hmm?)
posted by dorian at 3:07 PM on February 20, 2016

I think he's doing in a completely normal way, so I was extremely disappointed after the buildup about how he has the most amazing recipe for garlic bread ever.

Unless that was the point?

I felt like that was part of the point, yeah. Like, the thing here isn't the recipe. The thing is that every recipe — even a totally mundane one like this — is one person's local maximum in this big matrix of tradeoffs and compromises (money vs time, time vs flavor, flavor vs animal rights, animal rights vs human rights, human rights vs money, and around and around and around).

And that's sort of fascinating, and sort of horrifying, but also it just is what it is, so sometimes it's okay to shrug and accept the compromises you've decided to accept and enjoy some ordinary pretty decent garlic bread.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:17 PM on February 20, 2016 [8 favorites]

His bio says he's "a bard"

I'm sure his g bread is great, but he sounds like a total maroon.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 3:22 PM on February 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

Hrmm. Making sourdough right now. Made maranara last night. Dinner is taking shape nicely. Thanks for posting.
posted by persona au gratin at 3:31 PM on February 20, 2016

Step One: Soften the butter. This is best done by putting it in a bowl at room temperature beforehand. It won’t go bad.

Do...do people actually need this assurance? That leaving butter out for a morning will cause it to go bad? Do they understand...butter?

Our salted butter sits under glass in the kitchen at all times, sometimes for weeks in the right weather, and in the summer we just leave out a smaller block so it doesn't go, but even then it takes a solid week to start turning into something I wouldn't feed the cat.

If we do it right, the only time it sits in the fridge is when it's waiting to replace the butter previously under said glass.

also before someone mentions a French butterbell yes yes I've owned two but they never seem to work right and the SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE of knives on stoneware drives me batty. ps - if you are in SoCal and want a butterbell I could probably hook you up

also also pasta tonight and now I am definitely making garlic bread
posted by offalark at 3:45 PM on February 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

Love it! The author is a friend of mine, and I've already told him that I hope this is the first in a series, or even a whole book. Recipes + magic + insightful radical anti-capitalist analysis needs to be A Thing. That would be my kinda cookbook indeed.
posted by velvet winter at 3:46 PM on February 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

I definitely meant Lawry's garlic salt, not their extremely meh seasoning salt.
posted by Night_owl at 3:48 PM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Great post, loved the writing, agreed that you can really do whatever you want (please do!), but it’s no longer this garlic bread, it’s something different. However, I got curious and googled "Homemade Margarine" and these links turned up . So I guess you can make margarine at home?
posted by Secretariat at 3:48 PM on February 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

One time I ate a heaping pile barely roast (really, warmed) crushed garlic on toast with butter and chives and that means I'm never, ever getting sick again? That's how that works?

Precisely. And as a bonus that night's bath towel becomes the base for a lovely soup stock the next day.
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:03 PM on February 20, 2016 [7 favorites]

Huh? I lost track of the original article when I followed the link to Sylvia Federici's amazing Wages Against Housework and it wasn't until twenty minutes later that I emerged, radicalized and blinking, back to the present.

"More smiles? More money. Nothing will be so powerful in destroying the healing virtues of a smile." Yowza! The emotional labor thread forty years avant la lettre! (And yes, I know, a direct antecedent of at least one strand of that discussion. Not sure she was cited there, however.)
posted by col_pogo at 5:56 PM on February 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: I emerged, radicalized and blinking
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:38 PM on February 20, 2016 [6 favorites]

Politics and food mix like oil and vinegar. It's complicated; it's simple. But at least you have to shake it up. Never a bad thing.
posted by kozad at 8:56 PM on February 20, 2016

Garlic bread with olive oil is delicious, just in a different way.

Pro/vegan tip: use Just Mayo instead of butter. You may need to experiment with a pinch of sugar or something to try to replicate that faintest of sweetness in butter but generally it will work to carry the oil-soluble compounds, spread for easy distribution, lubricate the bread, and it will facilitate browning if you prefer an actual toasted or pan-fried product.

The result, in any case, is far better than trying to use Earth Balance or similar. I don't know why, as that is also mostly just emulsified oil, but it's weirdly wet when it melts.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:02 PM on February 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

My suggestion? Share this bread with people you really like, so you’ll all smell like garlic.

Yes, that was one of my mother's strict rules, and she was into the whole proper social etiquette thing. You don't serve or eat garlic at parties, unless it is a small group where you know everyone will eat it. Then you can serve and eat as much as you want.

I think it is one of the reasons she worked so hard to ensure her kids liked garlic (it took a while, but now--mmmm!).
posted by eye of newt at 12:54 AM on February 21, 2016

I love the smell of garlic. Maybe I've just adapted because I cook so much, but I don't really get what people are talking about when they're bothered by smelling garlic on other people. It smells great!

(Stinky breath, I get, but that's fixable.)
posted by sallybrown at 6:13 AM on February 21, 2016

Do...do people actually need this assurance? That leaving butter out for a morning will cause it to go bad? Do they understand...butter?

Yeah, there definitely are people who need this reassurance. If you haven't haven't worked food service, aren't a food nerd, and didn't learn to cook from your family (or had family that didn't know either), it's easy to just assume that the same handling rules that apply to meat apply to other things that are sold refrigerated.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:03 AM on February 21, 2016

So I braved a blizzard to buy "rustic bread" and "organic garlic" - y'all are invited to dive into garlic with me
posted by infini at 9:30 AM on February 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

> I love the smell of garlic. Maybe I've just adapted because I cook so much, but I don't really get what people are talking about when they're bothered by smelling garlic on other people. It smells great!

My sister was browsing a cookbook from the 50s where they had a whole separate discussion of whether or not it was appropriate to serve your guests stuff with garlic in it, because of the potential odor issue. We've come a long way.
posted by benito.strauss at 9:33 AM on February 21, 2016

Remember to complain about the "smell of curry" in the ventilation
posted by infini at 10:21 AM on February 21, 2016

I like sourdough garlic bread. Fresh sour dough, cut slices 7/8 down. Slather each slice with good butter plus mashed garlic (pinch of salt optional). Wrap in foil. Bake.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:29 AM on February 21, 2016

Now I can safely say I like mum's version better. It crisps the garlic bits under teh grill.

plus I should have wrapped in foil

otoh, nom nom nom
posted by infini at 10:43 AM on February 21, 2016

Report:

1) wrapped it in foil for first 15 mins;
2) used a verrry crusty long loaf not a boule
3) made fresh pappardelle with marinara sauce as a fig leaf pretense to eat garlic bread
4) ate all of the god-damned garlic bread and left a lot of the pappardelle on the plate
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 11:51 AM on February 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

Indeed, this is magic the OP's author has done. He wrote a few hundred words and a few hundred people ate bread, butter, and garlic. All over the planet.
posted by infini at 1:02 PM on February 21, 2016 [6 favorites]

Actually the best garlic bread is basically this one, but you also set aside some of the garlic-butter mixture which you do melt and you drizzle it over the top of the bread a couple of minutes before it comes out of the oven. Olive oil-butter mixture also works well for this. You're welcome. Goodybe.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:42 PM on February 21, 2016

I actually made pizza as a result. But will make sourdough garlic bread tonight!
posted by persona au gratin at 5:03 PM on February 21, 2016

He wrote a few hundred words and a few hundred people ate bread, butter, and garlic. All over the planet.

Yer friggin' welcome!
posted by Evilspork at 7:34 PM on February 21, 2016

I am cursed by an intolerance/allergy to alliums such as garlic and onions.

How are you on crucifixes and mirrors?
posted by Celsius1414 at 3:13 PM on February 22, 2016 [2 favorites]