I didn't understand rape culture until I was attacked
April 12, 2016 11:21 AM Subscribe
In the years since my attack I’ve had people say all manner of stupid things about my experience. Like the (female) friend who admonished me for travelling by taxi. Or the insurance company employee who asked me if I was drunk before I got in the cab. Or the colleague who asked me a few months after my attack if I was “still doing that” when I told him I had counselling after work. Or the former boss who referred me to the person in human resources who dealt with “women’s issues”, as though sexual violence is as trivial as menstrual cramps.
One friend asked me if I noticed that the driver was dodgy before I got in the car
I think just about every comment she cites is an example of someone trying to distance themselves from the possibility of this happening to them, or from the reality that this is a pretty overwhelming trauma.
Rape is absolutely terrifying, and it is remarkable how many ways people try to persuade themselves that they are somehow immune from it or that people who are attacked will really be "fine" once the physical injuries heal. Wrong and wrong.
posted by bearwife at 12:20 PM on April 12, 2016 [32 favorites]
One friend asked me if I noticed that the driver was dodgy before I got in the car
I think just about every comment she cites is an example of someone trying to distance themselves from the possibility of this happening to them, or from the reality that this is a pretty overwhelming trauma.
Rape is absolutely terrifying, and it is remarkable how many ways people try to persuade themselves that they are somehow immune from it or that people who are attacked will really be "fine" once the physical injuries heal. Wrong and wrong.
posted by bearwife at 12:20 PM on April 12, 2016 [32 favorites]
Rape is purely a crime of violence, not sex: it's about dominance of another person. If it was just about sex --- "oh, you're so pretty" or "she was asking for it from the way she dressed" --- then you'd never read about cases of old ladies in their 80s or 90s raped in their own homes in their beds.
posted by easily confused at 12:23 PM on April 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 12:23 PM on April 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
I've never totally understood how that can be. To me, it seems that rape is about both violence and power and about sex. Rape across attraction lines just doesn't appear to be very common.
posted by prefpara at 2:39 PM on April 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by prefpara at 2:39 PM on April 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
I had thought that we had moved beyond that, as well, to an understanding that rape IS pretty much entirely about the entitlement to sex. It's about who believes they own and control access to it and how far they'll go to ensure/protect that right. Yes, there's aspects of not recognizing another person's right to bodily autonomy, but so is beating someone up or robbing them, except those aren't classified as sexual violence because of the lack of sex involved.
Having sex with someone or something that does not want or cannot consent to having it is rape and it is sexual violence even if the victim isn't a sexual object to you.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:33 PM on April 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
Having sex with someone or something that does not want or cannot consent to having it is rape and it is sexual violence even if the victim isn't a sexual object to you.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:33 PM on April 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
To me, it seems that rape is about both violence and power and about sex.
Desire for sex and attraction are factors but are not the underlying motivation itself, though they can incite it in the rapist's mind. In forensics/criminology literature, rapists are typically divided into four types: power reassurance, power assertive, anger, and sadistic. Power reassurance are the most common and the least "violent" (i.e., they seldom inflict harm beyond the rape itself), and though they tend to have romantic fantasies about the women they rape, their primary concern is reassurance about their masculinity. Here's a brief overview of the types. I post this because many people believe myths about rapists (that they're, say, sexually excited men confused about consent) that don't match the literature out there.
posted by thetortoise at 3:35 PM on April 12, 2016 [16 favorites]
Desire for sex and attraction are factors but are not the underlying motivation itself, though they can incite it in the rapist's mind. In forensics/criminology literature, rapists are typically divided into four types: power reassurance, power assertive, anger, and sadistic. Power reassurance are the most common and the least "violent" (i.e., they seldom inflict harm beyond the rape itself), and though they tend to have romantic fantasies about the women they rape, their primary concern is reassurance about their masculinity. Here's a brief overview of the types. I post this because many people believe myths about rapists (that they're, say, sexually excited men confused about consent) that don't match the literature out there.
posted by thetortoise at 3:35 PM on April 12, 2016 [16 favorites]
Rape isn't about attraction. It is about domination. It may sexually arouse a perpetrator to take someone else's body (although many rapists have performance problems), but the goal is overwhelmingly to assert power.
Let me point out that common rape victims include the very elderly, people with disabilities, people who are incapacitated due to disability or significant intoxication, people who are runaways and drug addicts, prostitutes, and people who are asleep. Common means of rape include digital penetration and (particularly in prisons and in war time settings) rape with objects. So, we are not generally talking about anything that looks like sexual attraction or acts primarily due to sexual gratification. Even when we are talking about victims who are sexually attractive, e.g. college students, the rapist m.o. is to render that victim powerless by making sure they are drunk or drugged or asleep and isolated first -- i.e. this looks hardly anything like a romantic or sexual setting.
The author of this piece, for example, may be attractive, but notice how she was menaced by a knife and beaten by her attacker. Again, the point is to take power, not to take advantage of sexual attraction.
I'd add that what is so deeply traumatizing about rape is not only the loss of control over one's own body but the implicit threat of death that comes with just about every sexual assault. Again, nothing could be less about sexual attractiveness.
posted by bearwife at 3:45 PM on April 12, 2016 [8 favorites]
Let me point out that common rape victims include the very elderly, people with disabilities, people who are incapacitated due to disability or significant intoxication, people who are runaways and drug addicts, prostitutes, and people who are asleep. Common means of rape include digital penetration and (particularly in prisons and in war time settings) rape with objects. So, we are not generally talking about anything that looks like sexual attraction or acts primarily due to sexual gratification. Even when we are talking about victims who are sexually attractive, e.g. college students, the rapist m.o. is to render that victim powerless by making sure they are drunk or drugged or asleep and isolated first -- i.e. this looks hardly anything like a romantic or sexual setting.
The author of this piece, for example, may be attractive, but notice how she was menaced by a knife and beaten by her attacker. Again, the point is to take power, not to take advantage of sexual attraction.
I'd add that what is so deeply traumatizing about rape is not only the loss of control over one's own body but the implicit threat of death that comes with just about every sexual assault. Again, nothing could be less about sexual attractiveness.
posted by bearwife at 3:45 PM on April 12, 2016 [8 favorites]
Rape is absolutely terrifying, and it is remarkable how many ways people try to persuade themselves that they are somehow immune from it or that people who are attacked will really be "fine" once the physical injuries heal. Wrong and wrong.
That kind of fear is not just making the problem worse, it is cruel. I hear adults with university degrees haughtily declare they are too street smart/pious/aura-proof/tough for that to happen. It's too childlike, but there is some serious mental garbage being allowed to go unchallenged and it's sickening.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 4:13 PM on April 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
That kind of fear is not just making the problem worse, it is cruel. I hear adults with university degrees haughtily declare they are too street smart/pious/aura-proof/tough for that to happen. It's too childlike, but there is some serious mental garbage being allowed to go unchallenged and it's sickening.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 4:13 PM on April 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
The neon arrow people drive me crazy. You do understand that if it were so easy to tell who a rapist was, no one would ever get raped, right? You just stay away from those people and you're golden. But that's not how it works.
I've tried to explain this to some male friends of mine, when they were making fun of a girl who had gone on an internet date with another of their friends from high school. Turns out the girl had a bunch of her friends sitting at a nearby table to make sure everything was on the up and up; the guys all wrote this off as hopelessly paranoid and weird, and besides, friend from high school was obviously a good guy. I had to point out to them that a) girl from the internet had no way to know he was a good guy, b) it was a statistical certainty that they each knew at least one rapist, and odds were good they did't know who it was, because men don't act that way around other men, and c) she would have been blamed and considered foolish if she had gone alone to this date and something bad happened to her. I'm not sure if it got through to them, but I hope I at least got them thinking about it.
posted by katemonster at 4:35 PM on April 12, 2016 [18 favorites]
I've tried to explain this to some male friends of mine, when they were making fun of a girl who had gone on an internet date with another of their friends from high school. Turns out the girl had a bunch of her friends sitting at a nearby table to make sure everything was on the up and up; the guys all wrote this off as hopelessly paranoid and weird, and besides, friend from high school was obviously a good guy. I had to point out to them that a) girl from the internet had no way to know he was a good guy, b) it was a statistical certainty that they each knew at least one rapist, and odds were good they did't know who it was, because men don't act that way around other men, and c) she would have been blamed and considered foolish if she had gone alone to this date and something bad happened to her. I'm not sure if it got through to them, but I hope I at least got them thinking about it.
posted by katemonster at 4:35 PM on April 12, 2016 [18 favorites]
That kind of fear is not just making the problem worse, it is cruel.
Harmful, but I don't think it has the necessary intent to be cruel. People who live in fear are victims too.
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:06 PM on April 12, 2016
Harmful, but I don't think it has the necessary intent to be cruel. People who live in fear are victims too.
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:06 PM on April 12, 2016
One of the most telling conversations I have had with boyfriends early on is to point out that they might have been a rapist.
Every one of them objects. The smart ones admit they shouldn't.
I can count the smart ones on one hand.
posted by steady-state strawberry at 5:24 PM on April 12, 2016
Every one of them objects. The smart ones admit they shouldn't.
I can count the smart ones on one hand.
posted by steady-state strawberry at 5:24 PM on April 12, 2016
I think just about every comment she cites is an example of someone trying to distance themselves from the possibility of this happening to them, or from the reality that this is a pretty overwhelming trauma.
I can understand the urge to explain away this knee-jerk distancing, but I really do think it's different with rape, both in my own experiences and watching how other people react to this versus other bad things which can happen to us.
There is a degree of culpability applied to rape (and sexual assault) victims which simply doesn't exist in any other crime besides bullying. It's used as a punch line or deserved punishment when applied to men, and a sign a woman is permanently damaged - but in both cases the target is seen as somehow responsible for the abuse, and somehow able to prevent/stop it independent of any pressure put on the rapist/bully. This is internalized as well, and I hope we can figure out a way, worldwide, to change the narrative from "s/he was asking for it" to "rapists are villains, even the 'nice' ones".
posted by Deoridhe at 5:36 PM on April 12, 2016 [11 favorites]
I can understand the urge to explain away this knee-jerk distancing, but I really do think it's different with rape, both in my own experiences and watching how other people react to this versus other bad things which can happen to us.
There is a degree of culpability applied to rape (and sexual assault) victims which simply doesn't exist in any other crime besides bullying. It's used as a punch line or deserved punishment when applied to men, and a sign a woman is permanently damaged - but in both cases the target is seen as somehow responsible for the abuse, and somehow able to prevent/stop it independent of any pressure put on the rapist/bully. This is internalized as well, and I hope we can figure out a way, worldwide, to change the narrative from "s/he was asking for it" to "rapists are villains, even the 'nice' ones".
posted by Deoridhe at 5:36 PM on April 12, 2016 [11 favorites]
I had to point out to them that a) girl from the internet had no way to know he was a good guy,
VERY true. We just had a case break in our area of a single mom who apparently went out on an internet arranged date to a baseball game with a man who then murdered and dismembered her.
There is a degree of culpability applied to rape (and sexual assault) victims which simply doesn't exist in any other crime besides bullying.
With regard to the culpability applied to rape and sexual assault victims -- and domestic violence victims for that matter -- I agree that it often isn't just denial and fear, it is some very blatant sexism which is going on too.
posted by bearwife at 5:51 PM on April 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
VERY true. We just had a case break in our area of a single mom who apparently went out on an internet arranged date to a baseball game with a man who then murdered and dismembered her.
There is a degree of culpability applied to rape (and sexual assault) victims which simply doesn't exist in any other crime besides bullying.
With regard to the culpability applied to rape and sexual assault victims -- and domestic violence victims for that matter -- I agree that it often isn't just denial and fear, it is some very blatant sexism which is going on too.
posted by bearwife at 5:51 PM on April 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
Rape across attraction lines just doesn't appear to be very common.
Um... Prison?
posted by klanawa at 6:06 PM on April 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Um... Prison?
posted by klanawa at 6:06 PM on April 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Actually, I think presumed vulnerability is more important than what I would call attraction - for example, the "Lifetime Rape" statistic for Native American/Alaskan/First Nations women is 34.1% [source] and my understanding from other sources is that they are the only women primarily raped by men outside of their racial demographic. The explanation for this is that legally they have very few recourses due to how messed up US and Native law and governance are, and so are "safe" for a rapist to target. Likewise, most people will dismiss a college age girl who has been drinking, or a sex worker, or any number of other additionally vulnerable groups of women, and so they are disproportionately targeted because the serial rapists who have been studied (some 6-10% of college age, primarily white men) tend to be very efficient at selecting targets who don't have the leverage to prosecute them.
It's also why serial predators like Jion Gomeshi kept records on every woman he interacted with going back decades, and so was able to undermine them on the stands. He was planning for the day when he might have to protect himself in a court of law, and his best protection was to take advantage of the near-universal belief that the women he assaulted must be partially culpable for what happened to them, at which point he's entirely off the hook (and he was right). It's why serial predators in roles of authority like priests, professors, teachers, etc... select people who can be easily isolated, who have a weak support structure, and whose support structure is more likely to believe the authority figure than the person they attack.
This isn't about attraction in the sense where we're attracted to someone and so want to be near them/have a relationship/have pleasurable physical contact. This is specifically attraction for vulnerability, for the degree to which you can isolate and control your prey and the degree to which your prey cannot fight back. It's entirely possible a subset of people only experience attraction to others in the context of how vulnerable their target is. I would argue that this being mistaken for the attraction which leads one to care for another and want to protect them (e.g. attraction in a sexual or loving sense) is part and parcel of rape culture.
They are not the same thing; they should not be confused for each other.
posted by Deoridhe at 7:32 PM on April 12, 2016 [16 favorites]
It's also why serial predators like Jion Gomeshi kept records on every woman he interacted with going back decades, and so was able to undermine them on the stands. He was planning for the day when he might have to protect himself in a court of law, and his best protection was to take advantage of the near-universal belief that the women he assaulted must be partially culpable for what happened to them, at which point he's entirely off the hook (and he was right). It's why serial predators in roles of authority like priests, professors, teachers, etc... select people who can be easily isolated, who have a weak support structure, and whose support structure is more likely to believe the authority figure than the person they attack.
This isn't about attraction in the sense where we're attracted to someone and so want to be near them/have a relationship/have pleasurable physical contact. This is specifically attraction for vulnerability, for the degree to which you can isolate and control your prey and the degree to which your prey cannot fight back. It's entirely possible a subset of people only experience attraction to others in the context of how vulnerable their target is. I would argue that this being mistaken for the attraction which leads one to care for another and want to protect them (e.g. attraction in a sexual or loving sense) is part and parcel of rape culture.
They are not the same thing; they should not be confused for each other.
posted by Deoridhe at 7:32 PM on April 12, 2016 [16 favorites]
I love the TV show Criminal Minds. It's a well-written show with great characters. But for a show that explicitly tries to change the focus from the bad guys to the victims, it makes an unacceptably high number of threats about prison rape. They interrogate the bad guy, and at some point, they tell him that if he cooperates, then maybe he won't be horribly raped in prison. This happens in so many episodes I've lost count.
And it's yet another tone-deaf distancing response to rape. It's something that can't happen to them because THEY ARE THE GOOD GUYS and that is acceptable to happen to others because THEY ARE THE BAD GUYS.
My own experience and my brother's experience in prison shape how I feel about this, obviously. Reading this article is another reminder that I'm fighting a cultural current on this one. It's okay to make jokes about rape, as long as it's about prisoners. It's okay to blame the victim, because he/she was asking for it in that situation.
I really wish I never had to hear another rape joke on TV. Maybe someday. I'm not optimistic though.
posted by guster4lovers at 9:30 PM on April 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
And it's yet another tone-deaf distancing response to rape. It's something that can't happen to them because THEY ARE THE GOOD GUYS and that is acceptable to happen to others because THEY ARE THE BAD GUYS.
My own experience and my brother's experience in prison shape how I feel about this, obviously. Reading this article is another reminder that I'm fighting a cultural current on this one. It's okay to make jokes about rape, as long as it's about prisoners. It's okay to blame the victim, because he/she was asking for it in that situation.
I really wish I never had to hear another rape joke on TV. Maybe someday. I'm not optimistic though.
posted by guster4lovers at 9:30 PM on April 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
I hope it's clear that I wasn't making light of prison rape, but pointing out that "attraction," in the conventional sense, isn't really a necessary condition for it. Wherever there are profound power imbalances, rape occurs.
posted by klanawa at 10:09 PM on April 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by klanawa at 10:09 PM on April 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yet another friend told me it was unfair that women are suspicious of all men they meet, when only a handful are rapists. I suspect he was part of the neon arrow brigade...
Yeah maybe, and I don't mean to be critical because I can't really read any of the other comments any other way but I read this as, "It's shitty that women are suspicious of all men they meet, when only a handful are rapists [because you should have to be suspicious of anyone]."
I know that I can look like a big, scary guy when I'm walking down the street. Sometimes women react to me by crossing the street or I can tell that they're keeping an eye on me or they're just a little uncomfortable. When I notice it, I do what I can to seem less intimidating but I just feel sad that because of rape culture, some random woman I walked passed on the street feels that twinge of fear.
But I wasn't there to here the tone in the speaker's voice so I'll totally give the author the benefit of the doubt.
posted by VTX at 8:01 AM on April 13, 2016
Yeah maybe, and I don't mean to be critical because I can't really read any of the other comments any other way but I read this as, "It's shitty that women are suspicious of all men they meet, when only a handful are rapists [because you should have to be suspicious of anyone]."
I know that I can look like a big, scary guy when I'm walking down the street. Sometimes women react to me by crossing the street or I can tell that they're keeping an eye on me or they're just a little uncomfortable. When I notice it, I do what I can to seem less intimidating but I just feel sad that because of rape culture, some random woman I walked passed on the street feels that twinge of fear.
But I wasn't there to here the tone in the speaker's voice so I'll totally give the author the benefit of the doubt.
posted by VTX at 8:01 AM on April 13, 2016
One of the most telling conversations I have had with boyfriends early on is to point out that they might have been a rapist.
Every one of them objects. The smart ones admit they shouldn't.
I can count the smart ones on one hand.
Same! Sometimes people ask when I knew my current boyfriend was "a keeper," in that way that you do when you're a concerned auntie or whatever. I always say it was several months in, when he abruptly asked me over dinner, "Hey...so, on our first date, you agreed to come back to my place and watch TV. I know I'm not a big or scary looking dude but still, that's a really big judgment call for a woman to make. So I have always wondered, how did I manage to make you feel safe?"
I was honestly floored. I didn't even have to point it out; he was well aware that women are navigating a fucking shark tank when they date, and consciously working to make that navigation easier for the women he knew, and holy shit reader, I cohabitated with him.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:11 AM on April 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
Every one of them objects. The smart ones admit they shouldn't.
I can count the smart ones on one hand.
Same! Sometimes people ask when I knew my current boyfriend was "a keeper," in that way that you do when you're a concerned auntie or whatever. I always say it was several months in, when he abruptly asked me over dinner, "Hey...so, on our first date, you agreed to come back to my place and watch TV. I know I'm not a big or scary looking dude but still, that's a really big judgment call for a woman to make. So I have always wondered, how did I manage to make you feel safe?"
I was honestly floored. I didn't even have to point it out; he was well aware that women are navigating a fucking shark tank when they date, and consciously working to make that navigation easier for the women he knew, and holy shit reader, I cohabitated with him.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:11 AM on April 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
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