Teatox Party

April 28, 2016 7:10 AM

How laxative teas took over Instagram, one $250,000 celebrity endorsement at a time
posted by almostmanda (66 comments total)

This kind of things makes me actually want to go get Instagram and then post a picture of a totally gross toilet bowl befouled with diarrhea so I can then post it with a picture of these products saying, "Here's what this did for me! thanks, TeaTox!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:17 AM on April 28, 2016 [12 favorites]

You've gotta be shitting me.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:19 AM on April 28, 2016 [17 favorites]

🍵💩💩💩
posted by sexyrobot at 7:23 AM on April 28, 2016 [9 favorites]

There's some twisted intersection of these garbage non-supplements and the multi-level marketing companies, I'm sure of it.

It's not even fucking tea.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:23 AM on April 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

I believe the dictionary definition of tea is 'beverage made by pouring boiling water over stuff.'
posted by beerperson at 7:26 AM on April 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

This is tea: Mangalam Estate FTGFOP, that's "Far Too Good For Ordinary People," motherfucker.

Tea be getting me salty.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:27 AM on April 28, 2016 [7 favorites]

I believe the dictionary definition of tea is 'beverage made by pouring boiling water over stuff.'

FLAGGED

posted by beerperson at 10:26 AM on April 28 [+] [!]

"Here, have a beer." "This isn't beer, it's kombucha." "Geez, you fermented beverage folk are such sticklers!"
posted by leotrotsky at 7:28 AM on April 28, 2016 [25 favorites]

With some creative EPA paperwork, you can get your toilet declared a Superfund site from all these toxins that this tea is so helpfully removing.
posted by dr_dank at 7:30 AM on April 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

It seems crazy to me that there are basically no FDA rules for dietary supplements in America. We could create thousands of excellent jobs and bolster public health by regulating supplements that are clearly intended as medicinal.
posted by clockzero at 7:31 AM on April 28, 2016 [8 favorites]

This kind of things makes me actually want to go get Instagram and then post a picture of a totally gross toilet bowl befouled with diarrhea so I can then post it with a picture of these products saying, "Here's what this did for me! thanks, TeaTox!"

Disgustilarious !
posted by clockzero at 7:32 AM on April 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

It seems crazy to me that there are basically no FDA rules for dietary supplements in America. We could create thousands of excellent jobs and bolster public health by regulating supplements that are clearly intended as medicinal.

You can thank Orrin Hatch and shady Mormon supplement companies for that.

Whenever there's unregulated shit dangerous to the public safety, there's always a fucking Republican.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:35 AM on April 28, 2016 [47 favorites]

Kombucha is technically tea although it is not boiling. Discuss.
posted by beerperson at 7:38 AM on April 28, 2016 [7 favorites]

Some pairings of words just simply don't belong together, and never should be uttered in the same breath. For instance, "homeless veteran."

"Laxative tea" is another great example. Two great words that do not belong together.
posted by jbickers at 7:42 AM on April 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

You could just buy sugar free gummy bears, I guess.
posted by poe at 7:43 AM on April 28, 2016 [7 favorites]

"Paleo pizza"
posted by leotrotsky at 7:44 AM on April 28, 2016 [8 favorites]

"President-elect Trump"
posted by leotrotsky at 7:45 AM on April 28, 2016 [9 favorites]

"Sandler Movie"
posted by leotrotsky at 7:45 AM on April 28, 2016 [12 favorites]

"Coffee Enema"
posted by leotrotsky at 7:48 AM on April 28, 2016 [6 favorites]

"Pistachio ice cream"

Get at me!
posted by Rock Steady at 7:52 AM on April 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

"Compassionate conservatism"
posted by pipeski at 8:01 AM on April 28, 2016 [4 favorites]

It's not even fucking tea.

Right, it's shitting tea.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 8:05 AM on April 28, 2016 [38 favorites]

Orrin Hatch may have been the quack supplements industry's biggest ally in congress, but he had plenty of help from Democrat Tom Harkin, thus proving that bipartisanship doesn't always serve the country's best interests.
posted by TedW at 8:11 AM on April 28, 2016 [13 favorites]

Kombucha is technically tea although it is not boiling. Discuss.
posted by beerperson at 7:38 AM on April 28

Kombucha is made by fermenting sweet tea. It's not 'technically' tea, it's literally black tea, plus some fungus and a couple weeks time.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 8:11 AM on April 28, 2016 [5 favorites]

Whenever there's unregulated shit dangerous to the public safety, there's always a fucking Republican.

Nixon created the EPA...
T. Roosevelt created national parks...
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:12 AM on April 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

It's not 'technically' tea, it's literally black tea, plus some fungus and a couple weeks time.

How can it be tea if it isn't served boiling, though, is my point
posted by beerperson at 8:13 AM on April 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Tea
posted by ormon nekas at 8:17 AM on April 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

Nixon created the EPA...
T. Roosevelt created national parks...

Teddy Roosevelt is a Republican in the same sense that Constantine XI Palaiologos was a Roman Emperor and that I'm a fish. There's an unbroken line of succession, sure, but at some point it becomes an entirely different animal.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:21 AM on April 28, 2016 [53 favorites]

I don't get the economics of it -- the market is saturated with tea companies, and they can still afford the shill-price of hiring real/internet celebs ? Crazy.

Anyway, tea is just a source of brownian motion. Just avoid a cup of no-tea.
posted by k5.user at 8:33 AM on April 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

Wasn't this considered a healthy habit at some point in history? ISRT Samuel Peppys mentions "taking physic" regularly.
posted by Dr Dracator at 8:38 AM on April 28, 2016

I don't get the economics of it -- the market is saturated with tea companies, and they can still afford the shill-price of hiring real/internet celebs ? Crazy.

There's a 230 percent markup on regular tea -- the markup on these specialty ones must be far, far higher. That's a lot of profit that can go toward advertising.
posted by Etrigan at 8:39 AM on April 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Who needs laxative tea? My regular morning Earl Grey gets the mail delivery going just fine, thank you.
posted by Fister Roboto at 8:45 AM on April 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Kombucha is made by fermenting sweet tea.

Huh, I have had kombucha unknowingly, then!

Who needs laxative tea? My regular morning Earl Grey gets the mail delivery going just fine, thank you.

As does coffee, my friend.
posted by chainsofreedom at 8:55 AM on April 28, 2016 [6 favorites]

How can it be tea if it isn't served boiling, though, is my point

The South shall rise and come for you, if you persist in this line of inquiry, sir.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:04 AM on April 28, 2016 [11 favorites]

"A 14-day starter pack usually sells for around $30, a 28-day pack for about $55, and a deluxe combination pack somewhere between $100 and $120."

OMG. I keep a box of three ballerina tea at my desk for when I need help um, moving things along. It's $4 at the Asian Market. C'mon, people.
posted by domo at 9:29 AM on April 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

This intrusion of advertising into social media celebrities is gross. I was sad to see Neil Patrick Harris doing it yesterday on Twitter, promoting some stupid mayonnaise thing. These ads aren't marked as paid advertisements, either, which makes them deceptive. My respect for NPH is diminished by it. Eventually the FTC will start paying attention.

(Also a quick shortcut: anyone talking about "detox" is full of bullshit, the same bullshit that feeds anti-vaxxers and homeopathic enthusiasts. Had a high colonic irrigation recently?)
posted by Nelson at 9:31 AM on April 28, 2016 [4 favorites]

(Also a quick shortcut: anyone talking about "detox" is full of bullshit, the same bullshit that feeds anti-vaxxers and homeopathic enthusiasts. Had a high colonic irrigation recently?)

"Which toxins, exactly? Necrotoxins? Cytotoxins? Myotoxins? Neurotoxins? Oh, all of them? What about the ones you paid someone to inject into your forehead?"
posted by leotrotsky at 9:39 AM on April 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

"Pistachio ice cream"

My first pregnancy would like you to step outside, good sir.
posted by romakimmy at 9:40 AM on April 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

I believe the dictionary definition of tea is 'beverage made by pouring boiling water over stuff.'

Actually, that would be a tisane. True tea is brewed from the leaves of Camellia sinensis, in either its black, green, white or oolong forms.

I knew you were joking but SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET WAS WRONG and I just couldn't help myself.
posted by slogger at 9:50 AM on April 28, 2016 [18 favorites]

Another firsthand encounter (not from me):
As prescribed, I skipped the Night Cleanse the second night. On Day Three, I shit my brains out again.
posted by redsparkler at 9:54 AM on April 28, 2016 [4 favorites]

Some agreements even allow the influencer to delete the post a few days later — it's called a "deletion clause" — which is why you won't find live product posts on the Instagram accounts of Kim Kardashian or Scott Disick. You can still find these posts via Google Image, though.

Interesting! I wasn't aware of this marketing loophole, but it makes a lot of sense.
posted by redsparkler at 9:57 AM on April 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

Tbh the greater story here is that almost all of the big IG accounts seem to be entirely algorithmically controlled now. Seriously, they all seem like that microsoft chat bot.
posted by emptythought at 9:57 AM on April 28, 2016

I believe the dictionary definition of tea is 'beverage made by pouring boiling water over stuff.'

dos this mean that tea is technically a soup
posted by poffin boffin at 10:13 AM on April 28, 2016 [11 favorites]

I believe the dictionary definition of tea is 'beverage made by pouring boiling water over stuff.'

If that's the case, then these detox companies could just cut out the bull and start advertising boiling water poured over feces and have roughly the same impact as their multi-million dollar deceptions do now.
posted by blucevalo at 10:28 AM on April 28, 2016

Nixon created the EPA.

Under duress. After the San Diego oil spill, Nixon created an advisory committee. Congress wasn't happy with something so toothless and enacted NEPA. Nixon needed to look like he was doing something, so he created the EPA to consolidate environmental rules from different government agencies in one place.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 10:36 AM on April 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

These are all just pale shadows of my [expel-deletox]™ skinny tea, a proprietary blend of extracts of Panax ginseng, Camellia sinensis, Ephedra sinica and Erythroxylum coca. You'll watch the pounds melt off and have energy to do things you never thought possible or prudent.

MefiMail me today to become a local distributor! Don't pass up on this once in a lifetime opportunity to get the body you always wanted and the financial independence you could only dream of.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 10:38 AM on April 28, 2016 [5 favorites]

dos this mean that tea is technically a soup

tea is technically a burrito
posted by beerperson at 10:42 AM on April 28, 2016 [6 favorites]

dos this mean that tea is technically a soup

And a teabag a bouquet garni?
posted by tapesonthefloor at 10:55 AM on April 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

dos this mean that tea is technically a soup

Not unless it's cereal.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:03 AM on April 28, 2016

He had found a Nutri-Matic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite entirely unlike tea. The way it functioned was very interesting. When the Drink button was pressed it made an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject's taste buds, a spectroscopic examination of the subject's metabolism and then sent tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centers of the subject's brain to see what was likely to go down well.

However, no one knew quite why it did this because it invariably delivered a cupful of liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:10 AM on April 28, 2016 [4 favorites]

The most efficient way to get your body to start purging toxins would be to consume toxins with poor bioabsorbtion.

Think about it, naturopaths. I haven't.
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:19 AM on April 28, 2016 [4 favorites]

Are Celestial Seasons Sleepytime teabags just packs of lies? More at 11.
posted by mccarty.tim at 11:22 AM on April 28, 2016

These are all just pale shadows of my [expel-deletox]™ skinny tea, a proprietary blend of extracts of Panax ginseng, Camellia sinensis, Ephedra sinica and Erythroxylum coca. You'll watch the pounds melt off and have energy to do things you never thought possible or prudent.


Ride The Snake!™
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:25 AM on April 28, 2016 [8 favorites]

I wonder what Facebook, the owner of Instagram, is going to do about the constant spamming and huckstering of fly by night companies with dubious claims?

I'm sure that Facebook wants a cut of the action. That is probably why they wanted to sort the feed via an algorithm before an outcry (probably by the same people who hawk that stuff) stopped it...for now.
posted by 81818181818181818181 at 11:41 AM on April 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

"Pistachio ice cream"

Get at me!

Kulfi
posted by infini at 1:13 PM on April 28, 2016

Thanks for the OP, btw, I have never been to instagram beyond looking at someone's embedded link elsewhere and I have just RTFA and gotten an education.
posted by infini at 1:19 PM on April 28, 2016

I'm at a point now where if I see the word "toxin" on social media I fly into a rage. Well, maybe not a rage. But it just pisses me off.
posted by Biblio at 1:24 PM on April 28, 2016

I'm always fascinated by instagram advertisements, thanks for posting this OP.
posted by SarahElizaP at 1:28 PM on April 28, 2016

Maybe we need to beat the hucksters at their own game and re-redefine toxin. Make it a polite way to allude to poop in polite company. Like, "Could you pull over at the next rest-stop? I haven't detoxed since two states ago." Or, "Sometimes, I like the idea of children, but othertime, I hear new dads' horror stories about... toxins, ya know?"
posted by mccarty.tim at 2:10 PM on April 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

Interesting that they note that Nicki Minaj tasted tea before endorsing it. So that means she's willing to endorse the taste, but not necessarily the health claims?
posted by RobotHero at 3:39 PM on April 28, 2016

Tea is not a sandwich.
posted by krinklyfig at 4:15 PM on April 28, 2016

This:

As the Guardian noted in a much-shared piece about the myth of the "detox," so-called detoxification is just a "pseudo-medical concept designed to sell you things."

"The healthy body has kidneys, a liver, skin, even lungs that are detoxifying as we speak. There is no known way — certainly not through detox treatments — to make something that works perfectly well in a healthy body work better," Edzard Ernst, an academic physician, told the newspaper. He called products that promise to detoxify your body "a criminal exploitation of the gullible man on the street."

If I had a dime for every time some patient came in and asked me about detoxing their liver, I would buy a better brand of whiskey.
posted by sudogeek at 4:29 PM on April 28, 2016 [4 favorites]

The entire "supplements" and "alternative medicines" industry are an order of magnitude more evil than Big Pharma, which is a big thing to accomplish, but happened because of its unregulated status. It's a refuge for crooks and fraudsters who don't give a flying fuck whether their customers live or die and found a business where they could get away with it. And that applies, to some degree, to every supplement manufacturer to some degree and to every celebrity endorser, so I expect to see a lot more among "internet celebrities".

As far as the political derail, any claims that the Republicans prior to Nixon were the same party as the Republicans after are in deep denial of the effect of Tricky Dick's 'Southern Strategy'. As for the positive aspects of Nixon's administration, he was dealing with an other-party-dominated Congress even more than Obama or Bill Clinton, which they have both used as excuses for certain of their "policy directions". It's complicated. You know, "not all Republicans". So whenever there's unregulated shit dangerous to the public safety in the past 40 years, there's always a fucking Republican and often a fucking Democrat.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:06 PM on April 28, 2016 [4 favorites]

You can thank Orrin Hatch and shady Mormon supplement companies for that.

I blame Mel Gibson.
posted by rodlymight at 8:49 PM on April 28, 2016

leotrotsky: "Teddy Roosevelt is a Republican in the same sense that Constantine XI Palaiologos was a Roman Emperor"

I've always felt bad for Constantine. He made some mistakes, but it's depressing to think that even if you play your cards perfectly, the best you could do is eke things out for a few years more - that the mistakes of your ancestors have foredoomed you.

And now I'm thinking about climate change.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:57 AM on April 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

Also, if you're going to go out in a totally badass way, you could do worse than Constantine XI Palaiologos.


It helps if you Ride The Snake!™
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:49 AM on April 29, 2016

For reference:
What's the tea?
What's The Tee?
What's the T?
What's the ti?
What's the TeeHee?
posted by psoas at 10:00 AM on April 29, 2016