I am a transwoman. I am in the closet. I am not coming out.
July 11, 2016 5:19 PM Subscribe
“I don’t want to be a conversation-starter or a curiosity, and that’s what I would be in this world, to so many people. All I wanted to be was Wendy Darling. I wanted to be an average girl with an average girlhood. I will never be able to go back and have my friends do my hair at sleepovers. I will never go back and wear a gown to prom. I will never have had a girlhood. I’ve had years to try and be at peace with that loss and sometimes I manage. We’re humans. None of it’s fair. So many of us have things taken away from us.”
Jennifer Coates writes a searingly personal, thoughtful take on her life as a trans woman, some of the ways to be trans, and also what it means to be male and female in today’s world.
she says:
“I am interested in complicating your definition of maleness and of boyhood. I was born into that shitty town, maleness, full of broken ideals and misplaced machismo and repression and there are some good people stuck living there. They are not in charge. They did not build it. And I don’t feel okay just moving out and saying “fuck y’all — bootstrap your way out or die out, I was never one of you.” I want to make it a better, healthier place—not spend all my time talking about how shitty it is and how anyone who would choose to live there deserves it. And to me that means considering them with charity, even when they make it difficult to.”
and
“It turns out transition isn’t the answer for everyone — to suggest otherwise is narrow-minded and proscriptive. Because for some transwomen, femininity can feel asymptotic — the closer you get, the more you feel you can never make it. I realize it’s not an inspirational message but it’s a hard truth: some people manage dysphoria better than others. When you fight it, it fights back.”
and lots of other stuff as well.
Jennifer Coates writes a searingly personal, thoughtful take on her life as a trans woman, some of the ways to be trans, and also what it means to be male and female in today’s world.
she says:
“I am interested in complicating your definition of maleness and of boyhood. I was born into that shitty town, maleness, full of broken ideals and misplaced machismo and repression and there are some good people stuck living there. They are not in charge. They did not build it. And I don’t feel okay just moving out and saying “fuck y’all — bootstrap your way out or die out, I was never one of you.” I want to make it a better, healthier place—not spend all my time talking about how shitty it is and how anyone who would choose to live there deserves it. And to me that means considering them with charity, even when they make it difficult to.”
and
“It turns out transition isn’t the answer for everyone — to suggest otherwise is narrow-minded and proscriptive. Because for some transwomen, femininity can feel asymptotic — the closer you get, the more you feel you can never make it. I realize it’s not an inspirational message but it’s a hard truth: some people manage dysphoria better than others. When you fight it, it fights back.”
and lots of other stuff as well.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry for the delayed delete. Gently, I think this piece has a combination of elements that will make it really hard to have a good discussion about it, without turning into a protracted terrible fight. -- LobsterMitten
I thought that was a powerful piece when I saw it linked elsewhere and I'm glad it got posted here.
posted by languagehat at 5:39 PM on July 11, 2016
posted by languagehat at 5:39 PM on July 11, 2016
While "Don't read the comments" as a blanket rule mostly applies here, there are some very heartwarming and optimistic comments that made me glad I went down there.
posted by LSK at 5:45 PM on July 11, 2016
posted by LSK at 5:45 PM on July 11, 2016
There's a lot of powerful stuff in here. I guess the question I have is what can we do to make it better? Not specifically in the sense of giving her advice she never asked for or telling her what to do when she doesn't want or need anyone's opinion but her own, but rather in the sense of being more excellent to each other. Obviously, there's a lot we can do better with kids, but since we can't undo the past for people, how can we do better now?
Maybe there's no real answer and we just have to accept her narrative as what it is, but I'd like to think there's something allies can take away from it.
posted by zachlipton at 5:49 PM on July 11, 2016
Maybe there's no real answer and we just have to accept her narrative as what it is, but I'd like to think there's something allies can take away from it.
posted by zachlipton at 5:49 PM on July 11, 2016
I'd like to think there's something allies can take away from it.
Honestly? I think it's a searing description of being in the closet (to the point that I couldn't read it too closely). I don't actually know that there's more there, though it feels like we're being encouraged to take some other message from it.
posted by hoyland at 5:55 PM on July 11, 2016 [5 favorites]
Honestly? I think it's a searing description of being in the closet (to the point that I couldn't read it too closely). I don't actually know that there's more there, though it feels like we're being encouraged to take some other message from it.
posted by hoyland at 5:55 PM on July 11, 2016 [5 favorites]
Maybe there's no real answer and we just have to accept her narrative as what it is, but I'd like to think there's something allies can take away from it.
Everytime I see a comment on MeFi like this, it makes my head hurt. I get the good intentions, but seriously, it's gonna create a lot of work for us to have to write about our narratives AND write a second article about solutions you can do as an ally.
There is such a thing called Google that you can find that is full of wonderful resources that you can look up for trans and queer and poc resources, so we won't have to give it to you all the damn time. I'm sure AskMeFi already has questions that ask the same exact question you just posed. There are other folks who have already written solution articles for allies. It's fucking exhausting to live and have to share our stories to gain some empathy so that marginalized folks can stop being seen as less than human by the general population. Please, make it a little bit easier. The author already wrote their very vulnerable experience, don't make them write solutions for you too, when there are other authors who already have written it. Go, go search for it if you really care.
posted by yueliang at 5:56 PM on July 11, 2016 [9 favorites]
Everytime I see a comment on MeFi like this, it makes my head hurt. I get the good intentions, but seriously, it's gonna create a lot of work for us to have to write about our narratives AND write a second article about solutions you can do as an ally.
There is such a thing called Google that you can find that is full of wonderful resources that you can look up for trans and queer and poc resources, so we won't have to give it to you all the damn time. I'm sure AskMeFi already has questions that ask the same exact question you just posed. There are other folks who have already written solution articles for allies. It's fucking exhausting to live and have to share our stories to gain some empathy so that marginalized folks can stop being seen as less than human by the general population. Please, make it a little bit easier. The author already wrote their very vulnerable experience, don't make them write solutions for you too, when there are other authors who already have written it. Go, go search for it if you really care.
posted by yueliang at 5:56 PM on July 11, 2016 [9 favorites]
Or, more precisely, I've seen this posted on Facebook by cis people with little to no knowledge of trans stuff and that's what makes me feel like we're being encouraged to take some "lesson" from it. I don't know that the author is asking anything of us.
posted by hoyland at 5:57 PM on July 11, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by hoyland at 5:57 PM on July 11, 2016 [6 favorites]
God this is just really good.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 6:03 PM on July 11, 2016
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 6:03 PM on July 11, 2016
That article...oh boy. I'm just gonna let Zinnia Jones speak what I think
I read that article at all and I really hope the best for this person, it reads like pretty much what myself and most trans women I know experienced prior to coming out. I hope they find peace.
(FWIW I have a very close friend who has been on HRT for 20 years and they only told me 3 years ago when I came out, so not only so I personally know what choosing to stay in the closet feels like, I have very close personal discussions with someone in this very situation and still, the article made me side eye and move on very quickly)
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:08 PM on July 11, 2016 [7 favorites]
I read that article at all and I really hope the best for this person, it reads like pretty much what myself and most trans women I know experienced prior to coming out. I hope they find peace.
(FWIW I have a very close friend who has been on HRT for 20 years and they only told me 3 years ago when I came out, so not only so I personally know what choosing to stay in the closet feels like, I have very close personal discussions with someone in this very situation and still, the article made me side eye and move on very quickly)
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:08 PM on July 11, 2016 [7 favorites]
My phone changed "today" to " at all" hahah. Oh well.
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:16 PM on July 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:16 PM on July 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Everytime I see a comment on MeFi like this, it makes my head hurt. I get the good intentions, but seriously, it's gonna create a lot of work for us to have to write about our narratives AND write a second article about solutions you can do as an ally.
You're right and that's fair. I apologize.
posted by zachlipton at 6:16 PM on July 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
You're right and that's fair. I apologize.
posted by zachlipton at 6:16 PM on July 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Been tangling with this piece (in my head) for a couple days now. It turns out transition isn’t the answer for everyone. True. And: Being in a closet can really do a number on a person.
posted by rtha at 6:20 PM on July 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by rtha at 6:20 PM on July 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
hoyland, I read the piece several times and had no idea what to take from it, lesson or not. I didn't agree with her assessment of cis privilege, or cis women, but I respect her nonetheless.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:21 PM on July 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:21 PM on July 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't think it's mathematically possible for me to disagree with Zinnia more.
posted by Ambient Echo at 6:22 PM on July 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Ambient Echo at 6:22 PM on July 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
I also identified with and strongly agreed with Zinnia, for what it's worth.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:24 PM on July 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:24 PM on July 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
As far as choices go, choosing to stay in the closet is a correct choice for those who it works for. I personally stayed in the closet for a long time because life reasons.
Even the opening line of the FPP gets to me. Like, it's okay to not transition but don't write an article that drips with resentment towards those who do.
Don't reduce me to a curiosity because you're afraid of being one. Because I had to face that fear too and I actually experienced being reduced to a curiosity by cis people and the last thing I need is a trans woman doing that to me as well.
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:29 PM on July 11, 2016 [11 favorites]
Even the opening line of the FPP gets to me. Like, it's okay to not transition but don't write an article that drips with resentment towards those who do.
Don't reduce me to a curiosity because you're afraid of being one. Because I had to face that fear too and I actually experienced being reduced to a curiosity by cis people and the last thing I need is a trans woman doing that to me as well.
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:29 PM on July 11, 2016 [11 favorites]
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