I don’t necessarily feel safe, but I do feel free.
July 17, 2016 9:35 AM Subscribe
Why I’ve Avoided Dressing More Femininely — Until Now All my life, I worried that wearing flamboyant clothes would mean putting a target on my back. But in the wake of the shooting at Pulse, I realized that I’ve been sacrificing a huge part of myself for a safety that was never guaranteed in the first place.
Wow. Thanks. It's not the same, but it reminds me a little of the discomfortable realization that I've come to lately that I've done something similar with my feminism. I chose over the years to stop expressing it little by little mostly to stop causing waves and not have to deal with the repercussions, and lately its started to make me feel small. Whenever we choose to be who we really are it's a bravery that can only make this world better. Thank you for posting this. Thank you to everyone who makes the world more rich however they choose to.
posted by eggkeeper at 10:00 AM on July 17, 2016 [27 favorites]
posted by eggkeeper at 10:00 AM on July 17, 2016 [27 favorites]
Thank you for posting this. I, too, have been more of DGAF since Orlando in talking about my queerness, although how I dress has not ever been an issue for me. Everyone has their own closets, and "If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door." - Harvey Milk
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:03 AM on July 17, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:03 AM on July 17, 2016 [14 favorites]
This hit me hard, and now I'm enumerating all the various ways that I change who I am to straight pass, ways that have just been ingrained like putting a jacket before going outside. I don't even think about it anymore. Mostly in how to act "professional" for a work setting. It was communicated to me pretty early on that to be "professional" is to be a straight bro (in engineering at least) and so that's what I do. Ugh.
I'm putting dumpster sorceress on my bucket list.
posted by selenized at 10:36 AM on July 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
I'm putting dumpster sorceress on my bucket list.
posted by selenized at 10:36 AM on July 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
Ever since the emotional labour thread a year ago, I have seen so many examples of the idea of a "bonsai person" being clipped and contorted before being accepted. This is just one more thing on that list.
posted by sadmadglad at 10:39 AM on July 17, 2016 [17 favorites]
posted by sadmadglad at 10:39 AM on July 17, 2016 [17 favorites]
This hit me hard, and now I'm enumerating all the various ways that I change who I am to straight pass, ways that have just been ingrained like putting a jacket before going outside. I don't even think about it anymore. Mostly in how to act "professional" for a work setting. It was communicated to me pretty early on that to be "professional" is to be a straight bro (in engineering at least) and so that's what I do. Ugh.
Indeed. The thing that is upsetting for me is when I have to deal both with a queer person at work (especially one who's not pink collar/working class, because those people usually get it about staying not-too-gay-acting in order to keep your job) and with my straight superiors at the same time - I feel so much shame and distress about having to act feminine to compensate for how I look, having to have "straight voice", etc, in front of queer people. But my whole gig is about affective labor and performing femininity, plus that's what low status people are supposed to do anyway.
I really need to find a different job as soon as my finances are in better shape. As much as I like many, many of the people I work with, it's wearing me down.
I dunno. It's really hard for me to stand up for myself about this stuff. I think that's one reason I like being by myself - I don't have to manage conflicting demands about how to be.
Also, it just gets tiring - I do not actually pass as straight, although I always have to try to minimize my non-straight-affect at work, and I just get so tired of people staring and being hostile. Even just staring - I don't think I look that bizarre, but everyone else seems to think so.
posted by Frowner at 10:55 AM on July 17, 2016 [18 favorites]
Indeed. The thing that is upsetting for me is when I have to deal both with a queer person at work (especially one who's not pink collar/working class, because those people usually get it about staying not-too-gay-acting in order to keep your job) and with my straight superiors at the same time - I feel so much shame and distress about having to act feminine to compensate for how I look, having to have "straight voice", etc, in front of queer people. But my whole gig is about affective labor and performing femininity, plus that's what low status people are supposed to do anyway.
I really need to find a different job as soon as my finances are in better shape. As much as I like many, many of the people I work with, it's wearing me down.
I dunno. It's really hard for me to stand up for myself about this stuff. I think that's one reason I like being by myself - I don't have to manage conflicting demands about how to be.
Also, it just gets tiring - I do not actually pass as straight, although I always have to try to minimize my non-straight-affect at work, and I just get so tired of people staring and being hostile. Even just staring - I don't think I look that bizarre, but everyone else seems to think so.
posted by Frowner at 10:55 AM on July 17, 2016 [18 favorites]
better and on roller skates.
Yaaaaaas. This shall be my new mantra.
Thankyou for posting this article. It's beautiful.
posted by pjsky at 10:58 AM on July 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yaaaaaas. This shall be my new mantra.
Thankyou for posting this article. It's beautiful.
posted by pjsky at 10:58 AM on July 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Probably nobody reads my posts enough to have noticed but my partner is in the process of transitioning.
For the past few years, I've seen different paths before me. Not only between being stealth and being out, but also being out to whom? In what spheres? Out as what?
And then Pulse happened.
And now I tell people that I am gay, and introduce them to my husband.
Thanks for posting this link, AFABulous.
posted by rebent at 2:18 PM on July 17, 2016 [45 favorites]
For the past few years, I've seen different paths before me. Not only between being stealth and being out, but also being out to whom? In what spheres? Out as what?
And then Pulse happened.
And now I tell people that I am gay, and introduce them to my husband.
Thanks for posting this link, AFABulous.
posted by rebent at 2:18 PM on July 17, 2016 [45 favorites]
rebent, I remember your questions and that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy.
posted by AFABulous at 2:45 PM on July 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by AFABulous at 2:45 PM on July 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Wow.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:51 PM on July 17, 2016
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:51 PM on July 17, 2016
I, too, have been more of DGAF since Orlando in talking about my queerness
same.
posted by you're a kitty! at 4:16 PM on July 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
same.
posted by you're a kitty! at 4:16 PM on July 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
A year or so ago (well, closer to 3 now that I think about it), I started growing out my hair and wearing much more vibrant, colorful clothes than I normally would. I spent the first 45 years of my life wearing 2 kinds of drag: "trying to be butch gay guy" and "trying to pass as straight middle manager at work." I don't know what it was that flipped the switch for me, but I realized at some point that I wasn't going to go back to my 20s without the invention of some kind of time travel, and saying I was "too old" to experiment with my more feminine, expressive, super-gay side was just going to kill off part of me that was always there.
I'm lucky in that I have a partner who does not care how I present. I can go out with my hair down to my shoulders, a designer shirt better described as a blouse and big purple-rimmed glasses and he is just as happy as when I was sporting a buzzed haircut and a t-shirt. I'm not sure how I'd do if I had to go back out into the dating world, where "femme" works for really adorable guys who are 22 and slim, but again, I really don't care to give that worry the time of day anymore.
posted by xingcat at 5:01 PM on July 17, 2016 [10 favorites]
I'm lucky in that I have a partner who does not care how I present. I can go out with my hair down to my shoulders, a designer shirt better described as a blouse and big purple-rimmed glasses and he is just as happy as when I was sporting a buzzed haircut and a t-shirt. I'm not sure how I'd do if I had to go back out into the dating world, where "femme" works for really adorable guys who are 22 and slim, but again, I really don't care to give that worry the time of day anymore.
posted by xingcat at 5:01 PM on July 17, 2016 [10 favorites]
Part of the intimidation factor for me is not knowing how to change. Feminine presentation feels like another language to me.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 8:04 AM on July 18, 2016
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 8:04 AM on July 18, 2016
A family member I love dearly (I'm not saying how we're related because it's not my story to tell but it does frame my reaction to this) recently announced that they were starting to transition. I reached out and asked how the parents were handling it. The mom is "okay" and accepted a long time ago that my family member is who they are and that's it, but the dad isn't doing as well with it. I told my beloved family member that their dad has surprised me in many ways with his eventual acceptance of things I would never have expected him to accept, so I think he'll come around.
Anyway, back to the FA, it's beautiful and instantly made me think of my family member. I know they're super happy to finally be fully out, and so many of us in the family have expressed total and unconditional support. I do wonder how many of us would have expressed disapproval before Orlando. I hope not many, but you have to think that at least a few wouldn't have been okay with it but the tragedy in the community made them think twice, and then they erred on the side of love.
I wish for you all to have unconditional love and support.
posted by cooker girl at 9:12 AM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Anyway, back to the FA, it's beautiful and instantly made me think of my family member. I know they're super happy to finally be fully out, and so many of us in the family have expressed total and unconditional support. I do wonder how many of us would have expressed disapproval before Orlando. I hope not many, but you have to think that at least a few wouldn't have been okay with it but the tragedy in the community made them think twice, and then they erred on the side of love.
I wish for you all to have unconditional love and support.
posted by cooker girl at 9:12 AM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
I (AFAB, non-binary) have been presenting in a much more, idk, boldly androgynous sort of way over the past year, where I used to present in a super-boring-MoC-office-worker sort of way. And it's made my husband super uncomfortable when we're in public. We went out with our son last night, and when we got back home he told me about the group of men walking behind us who'd been snickering and pointing at me, about his fear for me and for himself and for our young kid. He didn't ask me to tone it down: he knows better than that. But I could feel the question there: why don't you? It hurts, feeling that question everywhere I go, but not as much as it's hurt to hold myself back for so much of my life. Thanks for posting this, AFABulous. It's made me feel a little bit stronger today.
posted by libraritarian at 10:44 AM on July 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by libraritarian at 10:44 AM on July 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
When I first started my transition about a year ago, I was really concerned about being read as male all the time so I gutted all vaguely feminine things from my closet and bathroom. I still gravitate heavily towards the masculine, and don't identify as non-binary, but I'm starting to be freer with my expression. It's a weird feeling to go "backwards" - I eschewed most everything feminine when I was perceived as female - but now that I'm solid and content in my gender identity, I know I can love my men's black oxfords and my glittery pink shirt.
posted by AFABulous at 11:32 AM on July 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by AFABulous at 11:32 AM on July 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
I had seen the above (simultaneously beautiful and tragic) quote around a few places this week. Thank you so much for posting the link so I could discover the rest of it.
posted by phearlez at 12:25 PM on July 18, 2016
posted by phearlez at 12:25 PM on July 18, 2016
This makes me think of Audre Lorde's Transformation of Silence into Language and Action which is always inspiring.
"And that visibility which makes you most vulnerable is also our greatest strength. Because the machine will try to grind us into dust anyway, whether or not we speak. We can sit in out corners mute forever while our sisters and ourselves are wasted, while our children are distorted and destroyed, while our earth is poisoned, we can sit in our safe corners as mute as bottles, and still we will be no less afraid.
...In the transformation of silence into language and action, it is vitally necessary to teach by living and speaking those truths which we believe and know beyond understanding. Because in this way alone we can survive, by taking part in a process of life that is creative and continuing, that is growth. And it is never without fear; of visibility, of the harsh light of scrutiny and perhaps of judgment, of pain, of death. But we have lived through all of those already, in silence, except death. And I remind myself all the time now, that if I was to have been born mute or had maintained an oath of silence my whole life long for safety, I would still have suffered, and I would still die. It is very good for establishing perspective."
posted by CarolynG at 11:51 PM on July 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
"And that visibility which makes you most vulnerable is also our greatest strength. Because the machine will try to grind us into dust anyway, whether or not we speak. We can sit in out corners mute forever while our sisters and ourselves are wasted, while our children are distorted and destroyed, while our earth is poisoned, we can sit in our safe corners as mute as bottles, and still we will be no less afraid.
...In the transformation of silence into language and action, it is vitally necessary to teach by living and speaking those truths which we believe and know beyond understanding. Because in this way alone we can survive, by taking part in a process of life that is creative and continuing, that is growth. And it is never without fear; of visibility, of the harsh light of scrutiny and perhaps of judgment, of pain, of death. But we have lived through all of those already, in silence, except death. And I remind myself all the time now, that if I was to have been born mute or had maintained an oath of silence my whole life long for safety, I would still have suffered, and I would still die. It is very good for establishing perspective."
posted by CarolynG at 11:51 PM on July 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
This was really great, and I felt a lot of resonance with him - not only the "white dad on vacation" default style, but the reluctance to get more flamboyant even though like him, I live in a Designated Fabulous City. (I literally had the same “Could we start with something a little…less?” moment the author did, with a friend a couple of weeks ago, where he was suggesting clothes for me to try on and I winced audibly.)
Part of the intimidation factor for me is not knowing how to change. Feminine presentation feels like another language to me.
Right? Passing straight is generally not a challenge for me, for the most part, and going feminine or outlandish feels kind of a stretch most of the time. I'm taking baby steps, and in particular I now wish I'd jumped on this shirt while it was still available in my size.
...Of course, that also references the femphobia/mascfetishism* within a lot of the gay community, and often we're doing battle on two fronts.
ALSO! If you liked this, read JP Brammer's other piece for Buzzfeed on getting hit on by his childhood bully. That tree metaphor is perfect.
---
*I've been struck recently by how many "locker room" theme parties have been popping up recently, with the expectation that you wear a costume version of sports gear. I've mentioned it here before.
posted by psoas at 10:32 AM on July 20, 2016
Part of the intimidation factor for me is not knowing how to change. Feminine presentation feels like another language to me.
Right? Passing straight is generally not a challenge for me, for the most part, and going feminine or outlandish feels kind of a stretch most of the time. I'm taking baby steps, and in particular I now wish I'd jumped on this shirt while it was still available in my size.
...Of course, that also references the femphobia/mascfetishism* within a lot of the gay community, and often we're doing battle on two fronts.
ALSO! If you liked this, read JP Brammer's other piece for Buzzfeed on getting hit on by his childhood bully. That tree metaphor is perfect.
---
*I've been struck recently by how many "locker room" theme parties have been popping up recently, with the expectation that you wear a costume version of sports gear. I've mentioned it here before.
posted by psoas at 10:32 AM on July 20, 2016
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posted by obfuscation at 9:49 AM on July 17, 2016 [1 favorite]