Every article of clothing, has an irremovable tag.

July 19, 2016 2:34 PM

A reddit user posed the question, “Satan opens up Heck, a lighter version of Hell. What kinds of tortures are in it?” Here are a few of the responses.

Reddit thread

posted by Johnny Wallflower (214 comments total)

There is Internet, but with only local TV news websites.
posted by thelonius at 2:35 PM on July 19, 2016 [63 favorites]

Hell is two groups on speaker phones conducting a conference call over a shoddy Lync setup, pesimally involving one team working on the other's computers using desktop sharing with latencies over 10 seconds.
posted by wotsac at 2:40 PM on July 19, 2016 [16 favorites]

And you're required to read the comments.
posted by drezdn at 2:41 PM on July 19, 2016 [25 favorites]

It is ruled by Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light.
posted by Bruce H. at 2:42 PM on July 19, 2016 [16 favorites]

There is Internet, but with only local TV news websites.

Ping is 500ms, every other connection times out, and the only browser you can use is Internet Explorer 10.
posted by zabuni at 2:42 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

There is metafilter, but every comment is just a "metafilter:[post subject reference]" comment.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 2:42 PM on July 19, 2016 [33 favorites]

There's only one butter substitute and you can believe it's not butter.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:43 PM on July 19, 2016 [39 favorites]

you have a choice between reddit-style threaded comments and giant unnecessary image macros
posted by Hoopo at 2:43 PM on July 19, 2016 [37 favorites]

Every time you fart, you shart.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 2:44 PM on July 19, 2016 [14 favorites]

All the pasties are made by Ginsters.
posted by pipeski at 2:44 PM on July 19, 2016 [7 favorites]

MetaFilter: metafilter
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:44 PM on July 19, 2016 [28 favorites]

Wotsac, you just reminded me. In my previous cubicle before my team was moved, I sat outside of a director's office. One of his subordinates sat catty-corner from my cube, and they frequently called each other for work stuff. Except right where I sit I could literally hear both sides of the conversation. It was super distracting knowing they were on the phone talking to each other around me.

Heck might be that, every day at work, and I have no headphones.
posted by numaner at 2:45 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

instead of losing your hearing as you age, the part of your auditory range that hears the shrill horrible voices of children whining uncontrollably on a hot subway platform somehow becomes twice as sharp
posted by poffin boffin at 2:46 PM on July 19, 2016 [30 favorites]

Every storefront with double doors has one side always locked for no good reason. Wait - that's life on earth now.
posted by davebush at 2:46 PM on July 19, 2016 [9 favorites]

today was a bad train day
posted by poffin boffin at 2:46 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

That's already happening. The voices.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:47 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

"Every grocery store has 20 checkout lines but only 2 lines are ever open at a time."

This is my reality. Is it not everyone else's?
posted by bibliowench at 2:48 PM on July 19, 2016 [22 favorites]

The cookies look like chocolate chip, but they're always oatmeal raisin.
posted by barchan at 2:50 PM on July 19, 2016 [64 favorites]

Damn, you know that we live in capitalist times when even Satan feels like he has to expand his business. What's next, an alternative to Heaven with some wickedness allowed?
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:51 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

today was a bad train day

Every time you step onto a train, it's cooler than the outside, but then the AC cuts out and it gets super hot again.
posted by numaner at 2:51 PM on July 19, 2016

All nonfiction is presented as listicles.
posted by mattamatic at 2:54 PM on July 19, 2016 [27 favorites]

Two kinds of tags in shirts:
1. Tags that flip back out of your shirt as soon as you flip them in.
2. Tags that itch but cannot be removed without leaving holes in your shirt.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:56 PM on July 19, 2016 [7 favorites]

All posts are almost doubles. Reddit: What's the most terrible mild annoyance you could wish on someone?
posted by Kabanos at 2:56 PM on July 19, 2016 [5 favorites]

Dogs and cats have reversed personalities. Dogs just sit and ignore you or stare at you insolently. Cats constantly jump on you and lick you.
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:57 PM on July 19, 2016 [10 favorites]

The end of the campaign is always 3 months away.
posted by gwint at 2:57 PM on July 19, 2016 [21 favorites]

The cookies look like chocolate chip, but they're always oatmeal raisin.

FOR REALS WHAT KIND OF MONSTER MAKES CHOCOLATE COOKIES WITH RAISINS IN THEM i thought they were chocolate chips but no i was betrayed BETRAYED

fuck raisins
posted by poffin boffin at 2:58 PM on July 19, 2016 [14 favorites]

Preince Priapus ascends the MT Golden Chair/Throne. No wait, maybe that belongs in actual Hell.
posted by effluvia at 3:01 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

I never understood what's so terrible about raisins. I love 'em. I want them in like everything.
posted by numaner at 3:01 PM on July 19, 2016 [21 favorites]

The only music comes from real estate slideshow websites.
posted by peeedro at 3:02 PM on July 19, 2016 [5 favorites]

Poem_for_your_sprog 4337 points 8 days agox2
'I've got it!' said Satan, and grinned with delight:
'May all of their sneezes arrive in the night!
May all of their tables be crooked!' he cried:
'May of all their laces be loose and untied!
'May all of their digits be stubbed till they bleed!
May all of their captchas be vexing to read!
May all of their dinners be slow to defrost!
May all of their keys be departed and lost!
'May all of their queues be unbearably long!
Forever relentlessly stuck on a song!
Forever upsetting and spilling their drink!
Forever less steps on the stairs than they think!'
He giggled, demented, and wiggled with joy!
He chuckled, contented, and pleased with his ploy!
He danced and he bopped and he bounded and bounced!
'And let there be stones in their shoes!' he announced.
posted by louche mustachio at 3:02 PM on July 19, 2016 [25 favorites]

You are sweaty and there is always a long piece of hair lodged in your buttcrack.
posted by louche mustachio at 3:06 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

Or as I call it, "Tuesday."
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:07 PM on July 19, 2016 [5 favorites]

uBlock Origin never gets that one script that's autoplaying some MIDI version of 80s sitcom theme songs.
posted by XtinaS at 3:08 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

Stepping into a random puddle on the floor everytime you've just put on fresh socks
posted by speakeasy at 3:09 PM on July 19, 2016 [11 favorites]

you have to push a boulder up a hill forever because it always rolls back to its starting point, but you're allowed to take a fifteen minute break every two hours, and the demon who works the weekend shift sneaks you little snacks

an eagle eats out your liver forever because it always grows back but it likes scritches and there's ibuprofen

you are buried upside down in ice forever for betraying God but eventually the coldness of ice becomes your new normal

am I doing this right
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:09 PM on July 19, 2016 [78 favorites]

Two words:

Quantum hairballs.
posted by XtinaS at 3:10 PM on July 19, 2016

Nickelback and the Blowfish
posted by blairsyprofane at 3:15 PM on July 19, 2016 [14 favorites]

John, Paul, George, and ... Pete.
posted by young_simba at 3:20 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

You are sweaty and there is always a long piece of hair lodged in your buttcrack.

A PIECE OF HAIR FROM YOUR HEAD IS TOUCHING YOUR FACE AND IT WON'T STOP
posted by poffin boffin at 3:22 PM on July 19, 2016 [32 favorites]

You get to discover completely perfect apps 1 day before they are updated into unusability.
posted by srboisvert at 3:23 PM on July 19, 2016 [10 favorites]

Every time you have to take out the recycling, you get a whiff of old spoiled milk. Even if you don't drink milk.
posted by rouftop at 3:27 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

All lights, wherever you go, buzz. But they change HOW they buzz every few minutes so your ear never quite gets used to it. Turning them off reveals a whining noise that makes you think you might have tinnitus, except it goes away when you hold your head just so.
posted by rouftop at 3:28 PM on July 19, 2016 [12 favorites]

All the computers are running Windows ME.
posted by Foosnark at 3:31 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

Every FPP is a link to a third-party article about a Reddit thread, and their titles all have commas shoved in randomly.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:31 PM on July 19, 2016 [19 favorites]

They play Foghat's Fool for the City before every sporting event. You have to attend sporting events.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 3:32 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

Every seventeen minutes, a bug that you can't see lands or crawls on you, and flies or runs away when you react.

It's timed evenly so that that much can be anticipated. They try to avoid eyes, ears and genitals.
posted by delfin at 3:32 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

The x 'key' is right above the return on the keyboard of the cell phone and tablet so your either mistakenly deleting when you want a line space or vise versa.

Oh. Wait...
posted by BlueHorse at 3:39 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

Satan opens up Heck, a lighter version of Hell.

We're soaking in it.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 3:40 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Every radio plays Journey.

But the DJ is funny and also sincerely apologetic.
posted by delfin at 3:40 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

The cookies look like chocolate chip, but they're always oatmeal raisin.

I... like... oatmeal raisin cookies.

Am... I... a hemisemidemidemon?
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:43 PM on July 19, 2016 [18 favorites]

All the really popular musicals are based on Piers Anthony novels.

No, that's hell.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:44 PM on July 19, 2016 [8 favorites]

Cubs fans can pick one other team who, if that team wins the World Series, it'll count for them too.

The team has to be either Seattle, San Diego or Houston.
posted by delfin at 3:46 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

All the really popular musicals are based on Piers Anthony novels.

Okay, as someone who grew up reading all the Piers Anthony I could get my hands on, working my way backwards through his older stuff and snatching up the new...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

(A few years back, I ended up with a bundle of audiobooks including one that I had thought of as one of Piers Anthony's better books, and I suggested it to my wife. That was not a good decision and I've decided not to go back and revisit any of those childhood favorites.)
posted by Four Ds at 3:47 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

Someone's kid keeps yelling "watch me! watch me!" and then doing the same exact half-twirl into the pool, forever.
posted by Mchelly at 3:48 PM on July 19, 2016 [30 favorites]

Adam Sandler will live forever and receive unlimited filming budgets.

But all of his movies will take three years of his undivided attention to make.
posted by delfin at 3:49 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

You have to program in COBOL for the rest of eternity.
posted by Xoc at 3:52 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

From the space underneath every ceiling and above every floor you can hear upstairs and downstairs neighbour sounds, no matter which floor you are on.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 3:55 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

There's crap on your spoon. After you spend ten minutes cleaning it off you find crap on your fork.

Then you spend ten minutes looking on the menu for food you can eat with your hands.
posted by Sphinx at 3:56 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

Your keyboard and mouse are permanently coated in somebody else's hand grease.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:56 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Every doorknob comes off in your hand.
posted by scratch at 4:00 PM on July 19, 2016 [5 favorites]

Your nails will never quite dry
posted by Mchelly at 4:03 PM on July 19, 2016 [11 favorites]

Every philips head screw is stripped.
posted by drezdn at 4:06 PM on July 19, 2016 [18 favorites]

All labels and instructions are printed in black 1 pt type on a shiny dark red background...
posted by jim in austin at 4:10 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

There's always a bit of spinach between your two front teeth.
One shirt button is always undone and they can see your bra.
Hitting fast forward instead slows down commercials to half time.
Your Coke is always room temperature.
There's just a wee bit too much vermouth in every martini.
"Sex in the City" is still on. Followed by new episodes of "Friends."
There's always a tiny Lego piece on the floor, between your bed and the bathroom, in the dark.
posted by chavenet at 4:11 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

it sort of smells like cat pee in your room, maybe?? you're not sure but maybe you're imagining it. but maybe not??? where is the smell coming from??? did your cat pee somewhere like under the bed or something and you just can't find the spot or what??
posted by burgerrr at 4:12 PM on July 19, 2016 [44 favorites]

Your upstairs neighbor is a horse, who engages in light sawing after work.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:14 PM on July 19, 2016 [12 favorites]

Every doorknob comes off in your hand.

And Dan Savage has linked ever other one.
posted by bonehead at 4:15 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

The ketchup bottle always squirts out that weird pre-ketchup liquid onto your fries no matter how much you shake down the bottle.
posted by briank at 4:16 PM on July 19, 2016 [22 favorites]

It's always election cycle but never election day.
posted by fings at 4:18 PM on July 19, 2016 [18 favorites]

Some of these veer dangerously close to actual hell. Especially the election cycle one.
posted by TedW at 4:21 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

Every place you spend money (grocery stores, doctors offices, yard sales, wherever) has a tip jar.
posted by TedW at 4:27 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Jrun errors alternate with ColdFusion errors forever.
posted by TedW at 4:31 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

Every time you take a sip from your beer bottle you do it a little too vigorously and the beer foams over the top, soaking your hand and the floor and three people you just met saw the whole thing.
posted by bondcliff at 4:40 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

You accidentally say "you too!" Whenever the ticket guy tells you to have a nice flight.
posted by bondcliff at 4:41 PM on July 19, 2016 [23 favorites]

Your office suite is plastered with Successories™, but everyone you ask about it is just like, "Pfff. I know, right?" yet no one ever takes them down.

From the space underneath every ceiling and above every floor you can hear upstairs and downstairs neighbour sounds, no matter which floor you are on.

Oh, that's my place! I live on the top floor, but the kid downstairs is so talented it sounds like he's screaming and pounding on our ceiling.
posted by psoas at 4:42 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

All of the food you used to eat while alive now tastes just ever-so-slightly off. Is there not enough salt? Did it stay on the grill too long? You'll never know exactly why, but it'll never be quite right again.
posted by ApathyGirl at 4:44 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

All websites utilize horizontal-scrolling. Only horizontal scrolling.
posted by mosk at 4:45 PM on July 19, 2016 [13 favorites]

Whenever presented with a 50/50 chance at picking the right option, you'll always be wrong. If you try to correct for it, you'll still be wrong.
posted by ApathyGirl at 4:46 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

Diet Coke is always sold out, but warm Diet Pepsi is available.
posted by mosk at 4:46 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Venetian blinds. With the control stick broken off. Everywhere.
posted by psoas at 4:47 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

your curls are 💯 in the morning, but transform into a frizzy, shapeless mass as soon as you leave the house.
posted by sea change at 4:48 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

bondcliff: "You accidentally say "you too!" Whenever the ticket guy tells you to have a nice flight."

So this is the part of the movie where I realize that I'm already dead, right?
posted by Bugbread at 4:53 PM on July 19, 2016 [12 favorites]

When you drive on the highways of Heck you will always be running 10 minutes late and there will always be a car in front of you and next to you going 10km under the speed limit.
posted by h00py at 4:53 PM on July 19, 2016 [5 favorites]

Constant hypnic jerking.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:58 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Everyone will say "What?" the first time you say anything, despite having heard you just fine.
posted by sylvanshine at 4:58 PM on July 19, 2016 [28 favorites]

You make a speech in front of the entire world, and it turns out bits of it was used before by some other famous person.
posted by storybored at 5:00 PM on July 19, 2016 [8 favorites]

Every time you plug in a USB stick you get it the wrong way. You turn it over and it still won't fit, so you turn it back the first way and then it goes in. Every. Single. Time.

The Red Sox game is on NESN but someone is always filling in for Jerry Remy.

Every time you see an iPhone screen shot the battery is at 2% and it fills you with anxiety for the rest of the day.

Every guitar you build you accidentally put the 12th fret marker on the 11th fret.
posted by bondcliff at 5:04 PM on July 19, 2016 [9 favorites]

All the movies at the cineplex are about Ben Kingsly getting it on with a much much younger woman.
posted by hoodrich at 5:07 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

President Trump
posted by 4ster at 5:11 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

when you are getting dressed, you can never quite find the one particular piece of clothing that you want.

(this is actually a recurring dream I have)
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:11 PM on July 19, 2016

Everyone will say "What?" the first time you say anything, despite having heard you just fine.

I work with someone who does this. She is driving me crazy!
posted by hoodrich at 5:11 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

No set of scissors in the house is sharp enough to cut so that you can thread a needle without that fuzzy end that Won't. Go. In.
posted by BlueHorse at 5:11 PM on July 19, 2016 [9 favorites]

Every time you use the toilet, a part of your clothing that may have touched the ground is a little bit wet.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:15 PM on July 19, 2016 [9 favorites]

It is not possible to buy small quantities of things, even if that's all you need.

(inspired by my discovery yesterday at Office Depot that it is not possible to buy one staple remover; you have to buy three)
posted by scratch at 5:19 PM on July 19, 2016 [7 favorites]

(inspired by my discovery yesterday at Office Depot that it is not possible to buy one staple remover; you have to buy three)


Same at Staples, dude. Same at Staples.
posted by 4ster at 5:24 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

Every article of clothing, has an irremovable tag.

Every sentence, has a goddamn comma.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 5:26 PM on July 19, 2016 [27 favorites]

4ster: "Same at Staples, dude. Same at Staples."

Not entirely surprising that Staples wants to dissuade people from buying staple removers.
posted by Bugbread at 5:31 PM on July 19, 2016 [18 favorites]

You never get to the point where the toilet paper comes up clean.
posted by bondcliff at 5:31 PM on July 19, 2016 [10 favorites]

(inspired by my discovery yesterday at Office Depot that it is not possible to buy one staple remover; you have to buy three)

YES WHY WHEN I TRIED TO BUY A CAN OPENER COULD I ONLY GET A $50 WILLIAMS SONOMA CAN OPENER OR A 3 PACK OF SHITTY PLASTIC CAN OPENERS

everything about this thread is all caps all the time for me
posted by poffin boffin at 5:34 PM on July 19, 2016 [11 favorites]

life in general really
posted by poffin boffin at 5:34 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

There's a spot between your fingers that's sticky no matter how often or how well you wash your hands.
It changes location when you're asleep.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:38 PM on July 19, 2016 [10 favorites]

When you manage not to scrape your fork on your teeth, you bite your lip.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:42 PM on July 19, 2016

You talk to a number of people that you don't know, and after you're finished and have left the area, you realize your zipper was down The. Whole. Damn. Time.
posted by BlueHorse at 5:43 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

Every time you chew food it feels a little weird and then you discover there's a little piece of aluminum foil in it.
posted by bondcliff at 5:48 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Everytime to try to use a gavel, you use the wrong end.
posted by drezdn at 5:50 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Every time you mix cream into your coffee it spills over the sides of the cup. No napkins are ever available when this happens. The only ability enhanced by coffee is the ability to remember embarrassing episodes in your life, but you still can't shake the sense that you need it to get on with your day.
posted by invitapriore at 5:50 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

All the episodes of The Three Stooges are Shemps.
posted by bondcliff at 5:51 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Whenever you try to sleep, a susurrus of resonant snores emanates from...somewhere. Too penetrating to block out with ear plugs or headphones, unless you turn up the volume so loud that the loudness means you can't sleep. Every now and then, just when you finally begin to drop off, a visceral hacking erupts. Or a moment of silence that teases you into beginning to relax, until...it starts again. The snores cannot be escaped. You are doomed to restless half-sleep while you twitch your way through the misophonia for all eternity.

(This version of heck brought to you by three nights in a hostel room with an old lady whose every creaky breath, once she got horizontal, seemed to emanate from deep within a phlegm-congested cavern)
posted by the thought-fox at 5:52 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

It's just like it is now but you don't die.

All the episodes of The Three Stooges are Shemps.

I like Shemp.
posted by Max Power at 5:54 PM on July 19, 2016

A stone in your shoe that comes back twenty to fifty steps after you remove it.

Perpetual eyebrow cowlicks, nose whistle, hot armpit, and one fingernail snag.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:58 PM on July 19, 2016 [5 favorites]

You're convinced you're a hypochondriac, but the doctor says you aren't a real one.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 6:00 PM on July 19, 2016 [8 favorites]

I like Shemp.

Well, yeah, but this is just Heck. In Hell they all have Joe.
posted by bondcliff at 6:05 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

Your coworker or supervisor keeps telling you to do things that you've either started doing half an hour ago or have already finished doing yesterday. Because it was the obvious, blatant, the whole thing is useless without that next step. And after the sixteenth time this happens there's no way to gently say you've already etcetc without feeling like an insufferable know-it-all.


wait this wasn't supposed to be about our realities
posted by seyirci at 6:15 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

All the episodes of The Three Stooges are Shemps.

All three Stooges are Shemp.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 6:15 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

Every philips head screw is stripped.

All screws are Philips-head and all screwdrivers are Pozidriv.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:16 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

It's always two minutes before you have to be somewhere and your kid is Still Looking For His Shoe.
posted by Mchelly at 6:16 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

Every sandwich is constructed so that the fillings are squeezed out the back on every bite.
posted by clorox at 6:18 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Every sentence, has a goddamn comma.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:19 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

You know those shitty first-party Steamalikes, like uPlay and Origin?

They're the only way to get video games.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:21 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Everyone gets the "just can't" vs. "can't just" constructions reversed, a little more than half the time.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 6:24 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

In Heck, everyone addresses you as either Sir or Ma'am
posted by Auden at 6:30 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

Heck is -- dare I say it -- other people.
posted by scratch at 6:35 PM on July 19, 2016 [5 favorites]

It won't waffle.
posted by veggieboy at 6:38 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

an alternative to Heaven with some wickedness allowed?

I've got 2 tickets to Verynice.
posted by quinndexter at 6:40 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

Every time Brian Adams uses the word "heaven," it's replaced by "heck."

♫Yeah and love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heck, yeah♫

♫Baby, thought I'd died and gone to heck
Such a night I never had before
Thought I'd died and gone to heck
'Cause what I got there ain't no cure for♫

Doesn't quite have the same ring.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:48 PM on July 19, 2016

Every weekend is replaced by an extended Family Holiday Dinner.
posted by Auden at 6:53 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Your favorite online service is purchased by Google three weeks after you finally have it set up and working perfectly. Six months later they announce it will cease operating in six weeks, despite it costing them less to keep running per year than the sodas given out for free in building 19A over a two-week period.

Their export tool has some minor bug (someone set a '==' test to be '=' or decided a crucial column in the DB was superfluous), but that person has moved on and the tool cannot be run from an outside IP address.

Data exported with the tool is mostly ok at first glance, but when you go to try and import it into another tool, the crucial "metadata" that was the reason you loved the service in the first place was lost--and replaced with the standard, inadequate metadata. You have a backup, but, inexplicably, the backup is from a previous glacial epoch and has hardly any information in it.

This will be so dispiriting that you lose interest in the subject whose information the service was a helper for, and you feel a small sense of loss and a small amount of rage for months, until you pick up a new interest. And discover a great new tool to help with that.

Repeat.
posted by maxwelton at 6:57 PM on July 19, 2016 [20 favorites]

Pizza sauce is actually cold cherry jello with cilantro and mint instead of basil and oregano.
posted by Annika Cicada at 7:09 PM on July 19, 2016 [9 favorites]

Every other car on the freeway is a Prius doing the speed limit.

Every song is about love and has the same four chords.

Ice is more dense as a solid and sinks.
posted by kurumi at 7:17 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Every pump bottle you buy - lotion, hand soap, whatever - never works no matter how many times you turn the pump around and around in different directions. Everyone else's works. You are left, as you take the top off and smear yourself with the theoretical dispenser, with the dispiriting feeling that this is somehow all your fault.

Caps lock is random and you can never quite figure out how to turn it off.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:23 PM on July 19, 2016 [5 favorites]

You can never reach that itchy spot on your back.

You can only communicate via really shitty cell phone

You always get to your bus stop just in time for it to leave without you.

Coworkers are encouraged to email, call AND stop by your desk if you don't respond instantly.

Everything smells like feet.

You never get to pick the music.

Potatoes don't exist.
posted by Space Kitty at 7:24 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

Every thread that links to Reddit is supervised by a minor demon who delights in taking the wind out of your sails.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 7:45 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

No matter the song, the lyrics only contain the words Jingle, Rock, and Bell.
posted by bondcliff at 7:47 PM on July 19, 2016 [9 favorites]

You can have any font you want as long as it's Comic Sans, Times New Roman or Curlicue.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:47 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think some of you guys are really veering into Hell now.
posted by numaner at 7:48 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

Every time you purchase a fast food drink they forget the straw.
posted by bologna on wry at 7:50 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

Every time the little bump inside your cheek is finally healing you rebite it while eating.
posted by bologna on wry at 7:52 PM on July 19, 2016 [17 favorites]

Once a day you get the feeling of having just walked through a cobweb.
posted by bologna on wry at 7:55 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

poffin boffin's heck is constantly going to jail for killing me with laughter.

Did I say that right?
posted by datawrangler at 7:55 PM on July 19, 2016

Your housekey is always the third one away on the ring.
posted by rhizome at 7:57 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

You always match exactly 3 numbers in the Power Ball.
posted by bologna on wry at 7:58 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

There's always charcoal dust at the bottom of the Brita.
posted by rhizome at 7:58 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Your car doesn't start on the first try ever. There's nothing wrong with the car.

There's no change, so you always have to use two $1 bills to pay a $1.50 bus fare.

All movie trailers are 15 seconds long and there's still 20min of them before the feature.

The DJs don't beatmatch.
posted by rhizome at 8:03 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Every 4th to 7th time you commit your python code, a colon gets deleted from a random if statement, and you only remember to run a validator before you commit every other time.

You sweat profusely as soon as the heat index hits 83 degrees F. And your special place in Heck fluctuates between 80 to 90 all the time.

You get a pimple randomly on your jawline every 5 days, and you can't resist not popping it incorrectly.

You head gets bed hair every morning, and you're always in enough of a rush that you can't shower or wash your hair or just to even splash water on it. It'll get matted down eventually because you're sweating profusely by the time you get to work due to the weather, but your involuntary afternoon nap at your chair results in afternoon bed hair.

There's a garbage-y smell in your car every time you first get into it after it sits somewhere for more than an hour. You hang those fresheners all of it, but then it's a mix of both new car smell and garbage. You're sure it's from that one time that bag of cooked king crabs from Costco leaked in your car trunk, and the hatchback style somehow carries the funk to the front. But that was like months ago and how is it still there now? Your friends tell you they don't smell anything but the overwhelming new car smell from the fresheners. You think you're going crazy, because you still smell it, and you keep meaning to get it washed and detailed, but every time you get a free day they say it'll rain tomorrow and you don't wanna waste a car wash.

maybe I'm already living in a version of Heck?
posted by numaner at 8:04 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

President Robin Williams
posted by rhizome at 8:05 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Comic Sans, and occasionally Papyrus.
posted by Kabanos at 8:07 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

Every recorded show cuts off a minute and a half too early.

The first bathroom stall you choose always has a broken lock.

Every phone call you receive displays 'No Caller ID.'

The person you're behind in the parking lot always chooses to back in to their space.

Every transaction with a debit or credit card results in no less than 8 different receipt slips.

I could do this all night, y'all.
posted by bologna on wry at 8:08 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

The unlock button on your car key only works 30% of the time leaving you pawing at a locked car door handle like an idiot even though you pressed that damn thing so hard.
posted by bendy at 8:09 PM on July 19, 2016

The person in front of you in the parking garage comes to a complete stop every time they think they see an open spot and stays there for a count of thirty while blocking the lane so completely that you can't get past them.
posted by bendy at 8:11 PM on July 19, 2016

FOR REALS WHAT KIND OF MONSTER MAKES CHOCOLATE COOKIES WITH RAISINS IN THEM i thought they were chocolate chips but no i was betrayed BETRAYED

My grandmother did this once but worse, about 10% of the chocolate chips were evil raisins so you'd MOSTLY get a good cookie and then now and then get one bite of despair and I am not sure I have forgiven her for this or ever will.
posted by jeather at 8:14 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

Gay heck: That guy you thought was straight turns out to be into you, but he also wants to go to tea dances every day.
posted by psoas at 8:19 PM on July 19, 2016

TIL what a tea dance is
posted by bologna on wry at 8:25 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

Based on many of the suggestions here, my life already is a living heck.

please note my lack of surprise
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:28 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

You can constantly hear the bass from someone's stereo or television thumping faintly but you can't quite tell where it's coming from.
posted by bendy at 8:28 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

Your mouse cursor randomly alternates between moving very fast and very slow.
posted by DowBits at 8:29 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

There's a garbage-y smell in your car every time you first get into it after it sits somewhere for more than an hour…You think you're going crazy, because you still smell it

IT IS THE HEATING OF HIS HIDEOUS FART!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:31 PM on July 19, 2016 [11 favorites]

All of your actions make the rich richer.
posted by sylvanshine at 8:47 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

God this reminds me, once my little toe was aching and throbbing all morning at work, not super painful but really annoying; when I finally took off my sock to have a look, there was a long hair wrapped really tightly around it. What sweet relief to unwind that hair!

Then years later I had a newborn son, and the nurses at the hospital were giving insight on possible reasons he may be crying in the future, and one was, check if there is a HAIR WRAPPED AROUND HIS PENIS. Oh my word, I worried about that one constantly, talk about nightmare fuel.

That may actually have veered into hell, upon reflection.
posted by JenMarie at 8:47 PM on July 19, 2016 [7 favorites]

instead of losing your hearing as you age, the part of your auditory range that hears the shrill horrible voices of children whining uncontrollably on a hot subway platform somehow becomes twice as sharp

That actually kinda already happens to people with tinnitus.
posted by Beholder at 9:24 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

Oh, here's one. A large pimple inside your ear.
posted by Beholder at 9:27 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

This whole thing reads like a list of yiddish curses.
posted by WaylandSmith at 9:27 PM on July 19, 2016 [24 favorites]

Your deodorant bars are always at the point where they scrape your armpit with the plastic.
posted by jimmythefish at 9:43 PM on July 19, 2016 [9 favorites]

You are in a neverending loop of putting on cold wet clothes.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:26 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

My grandmother did this once but worse, about 10% of the chocolate chips were evil raisins so you'd MOSTLY get a good cookie and then now and then get one bite of despair and I am not sure I have forgiven her for this or ever will.

tell her to mEET ME IN THE FUCKIN PIT
posted by poffin boffin at 10:31 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

That actually kinda already happens to people with tinnitus.

yes i know this because it me
posted by poffin boffin at 10:32 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

There's a garbage-y smell in your car every time you first get into it after it sits somewhere for more than an hour…You think you're going crazy, because you still smell it

IT IS THE HEATING OF HIS HIDEOUS FART!

If I know I'm farting, I can tolerate my own fart quite well. But this smell always surprises me. So maybe my Heck is that I'm always farting and I don't know it.
posted by numaner at 10:38 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

Your smartphone O/S is an adapted version of Lotus Notes. Heck's IT department hold the admin accounts that allow any changes to be made.
posted by rongorongo at 11:23 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

Wherever you go, people think you work there.
posted by Miss Scarlet with the Candlestick in the Lounge at 11:25 PM on July 19, 2016 [9 favorites]

Your passwords only work when you type them slowly and carefully, with your full attention. If you type them correctly but are thinking about something else, access denied.
posted by rouftop at 11:48 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

At all restaurants, cold pats of butter.
posted by rhizome at 11:52 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

a bra you can never take off

a perpetually self-renewing fruit fly infestation in the kitchen garbage can

everyone in your subway car wears axe body spray
posted by karayel at 11:56 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

The most popular mobile game is Herbalife GO.
posted by rhizome at 11:59 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

You fumble every handshake.

You black out before every meaningful achievement, and only hear about your own successes after the fact.

You are the only member of your cohort ever to get caught doing anything wrong, when they all do way worse shit than you ever do.

The plants you tend to carefully all wither and die. The ones you ignore flourish, until you notice the pattern. Then they die, too.

You are addicted to all your allergens.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 12:01 AM on July 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

Everyone else is playing Pokémon Go and you can't log in.
posted by monocultured at 12:29 AM on July 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

You can get Spotify in heck no problem. However, when you log into your profile, you notice that all your favourite artists' discographies now consist solely of third-rate techno remixes by obscure Swiss DJs and novelty children's Christmas albums.
posted by Sonny Jim at 12:47 AM on July 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

There will be a hole in the toe of all of your socks

Every time you take off your shoes you will stub your toe on the nearest really hard thing

You will have gin, tonic, ice and limes, but never all at the same time

The rain will forever start the second you hang the last item of clothing on the line

AskMe will never know what song you're talking about

the paint roller in the face what show was that no really I know I didn't imagine it for all eternity
posted by billiebee at 2:52 AM on July 20, 2016 [8 favorites]

It drives you crazy when people use first person pronouns incorrectly, but you know they won't stop, and you know it would be rude to say anything, so you don't. You try to convince yourself that this is a normal part of language changing, but deep inside you feel that the distinct uses of "I", "me", and "myself" are helpful and should be preserved. Eventually a full 5% of your interior monologue is given over to frustratedly fuming "'My girlfriend and I saw the movie,' dammit. You wouldn't say 'Me saw the movie,' so why do you say 'Me and...'?" Or "It's 'Give it to me,' for crying out loud, not 'Give it to myself.' Only you can give something to yourself, the rest of us can only give things to you." No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that traditional pronoun usage is not actually a critical issue, you can't help being annoyed when people use pronouns incorrectly, which happens with slightly increasing frequency each day. Meanwhile, Mr. "Me and my girlfriend saw a movie", Ms. "Give it to myself", and Cousin "Come over to John and I's house" are all having delightfully carefree lives.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 4:46 AM on July 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

Every time you take a beach vacation, it's unseasonably cool.
posted by salvia at 4:48 AM on July 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Stairs are arranged so you're always stepping up with the left foot, and they're all raised 2 inches.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:54 AM on July 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Apparently I'm almost the only one here who actually really likes oatmeal raisin cookies. Mostly because they're sweeter than chocolate chip. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with functional taste buds though.

Adding to the list:
All you baked goods rise just enough that you think they might make do, but they end up with hockey puck part.
Whenever you swim in a natural body of water, there's a sensation of something brushing past your leg whenever you look away. You are too sensitive to chlorine to use a pool.
Every day, one nostril is clogged and won't unclog. It switches randomly.
Your boss always stops by just as you're taking a break and browsing the web.
posted by Hactar at 6:54 AM on July 20, 2016

I'm living through this one right now: whenever you take the subway somewhere the train goes out of service the stop before the one you want and you have to get out and wait and the next train is late.
posted by cheesegrater at 7:21 AM on July 20, 2016

Constant nasal drip and never any tissues to blow your nose with
posted by JenThePro at 7:43 AM on July 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Always sitting beside someone with a constant nasal drip and never any tissues to blow their nose with
posted by billiebee at 7:52 AM on July 20, 2016 [14 favorites]

When you watch Fast Times At Ridgemont High, your mom walks into the room during the Pheobe Cates pool scene, forever ruining it for you.*

*based on a true story.
posted by bondcliff at 8:06 AM on July 20, 2016

Every time you take a beach vacation, it's unseasonably cool.

Or it rains every day, except for your last day.

You constantly have to adjust your glasses to keep them from sliding down your nose.
posted by ElleElle at 9:05 AM on July 20, 2016

You will have gin, tonic, ice and limes, but never all at the same time

You have the imagination of an Arch-fiend!

(Please do not become an Arch-fiend)
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:57 AM on July 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

No matter how often you check in no matter what lighting, when you step outside your black pants are always navy.
posted by Mchelly at 10:39 AM on July 20, 2016 [6 favorites]

Every character you type online has to be preceded by a grainy, faint CAPTCHA entry.
posted by Twicketface at 10:46 AM on July 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Every time you take a beach vacation, it's unseasonably cool.

NorCal: Heck on Earth
posted by invitapriore at 12:08 PM on July 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

There's Chipotle in Heck, but no matter how you open, turn, or wrap your burritos, they leak down your arm and onto your pants.
The Heck Maps app announces turns and exits a second too late, so you accidentally drive like an erratic asshole.
You have entrance theme music everywhere you go, but the playlist is on shuffle and includes Journey and the bass riff from Seinfeld.
posted by a halcyon day at 12:31 PM on July 20, 2016

Apparently I'm almost the only one here who actually really likes oatmeal raisin cookies.

oatmeal raisin cookies are DELIGHTFUL when one is expecting them but not when they are cruelly masquerading as something else, like raisins hidden in a dark chocolate cookie pretending to be a chocolate chip and then squishing horribly in your mouth where a firm chocolatey crunch was anticipated, causing you to spit it on the floor screaming in terror about dead flies in your cooky oh god im so traumatized STILL
posted by poffin boffin at 12:34 PM on July 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

Every time you take a beach vacation, it's unseasonably cool.

NorCal: Heck on Earth

don't tell anyone about september
posted by burgerrr at 12:55 PM on July 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

Every elevator (+ bus, subway car, or other single-exit conveyance) you use has someone pushing in the door as you're trying to get out.

There are no stairs.
posted by psoas at 1:08 PM on July 20, 2016

Your knickers are wedged up somewhere uncomfortable and there are too many people around for you to privately unwedge them FOREVAH
posted by billiebee at 1:51 PM on July 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

All towels are moderately damp.
posted by windbox at 2:23 PM on July 20, 2016 [6 favorites]

In Heck, every song in existence has "Heaven" in its title and lyric.

And it is impossible to utter any swear words worse than "heck", "darn" and Yosemite Sam's"rassinfrackin".
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:27 PM on July 20, 2016

All of your lighters will be empty and your matches will be those shitty little book things which will bend and not strike. No one will have a light.
posted by billiebee at 2:53 PM on July 20, 2016

You have something invisible yet horrifically painful and/or itchy in one eye, and spend most of the day trying to find or remove it. You can feel it, but cannot see it. Visine doesn't exist, but magnifying mirrors do.

Eventually it goes away, only to show back up again a few hours later.

Also, you wake up daily with hiccups that are loud and funny-sounding, but don't hurt. They last anywhere from 5 minutes to 4 hours, with variances in duration that are never consistent or predictable.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 3:32 PM on July 20, 2016

One of your ears is perpetually blocked. The Valsalva maneuver does nothing.
posted by bendy at 4:26 PM on July 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

You arrive at the very tail end of every fun online conversation, your pithy contributions doomed to languish unheralded.
posted by eponym at 6:25 PM on July 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

In Heck, every song in existence has "Heaven" in its title and lyric.


And is sung by a group called "Angel"

...Punky's whips, Punky's whips!!!
posted by TedW at 6:32 PM on July 20, 2016

"Actually, around here, every night is Guns 'N Roses karaoke night!"
posted by 4ster at 7:21 PM on July 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

The Valsalva maneuver does nothing.

Neither do the goggles.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:42 PM on July 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

Your nose feels like you are always just about to sneeze, but you never quite manage to get it out.
posted by btfreek at 8:19 PM on July 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

Visiting a webpage requires a reboot.
posted by rhizome at 8:23 PM on July 20, 2016

* All APIs use XML. You have to write interfaces for them.
* Neither Ruby nor Python exist but you're pretty good at perl
* People are allowed to smoke anywhere they want, but you have perpetually quit smoking a week ago
* People are allowed to smoke anywhere they want
* You have a beautiful, sexy and enthusiastic partner, but there's a 50% chance your small child will wake up with a nightmare every time you start having sex
* ALL WRITTEN COMMUNICATION IS IN UPPER CASE WITH NO PUNTUATION AND EVERY SENTENCE HAS ONE SPELLING ERROR OR AT LEAST IT SEEMS LIKE ONE EVERY SENTENCE BECUASE ITS HARD TO TELL WHERE ONE SENTENCE STARTS AND ANOTHER ENDS BECAUSE THERES NO PUNCTUATION SO EVERYBODY JUST WRITES THESE LONG RUN ON SENTENCES THAT GO ON AN ON
posted by double block and bleed at 11:23 PM on July 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Instead of your typical three, all USB cords will now require five tries to properly insert.
posted by a good beginning at 10:58 AM on July 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

every day, you have a million dollar idea in the shower and you forget it as soon as you step out
posted by AFABulous at 11:55 AM on July 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

your parents find your twitter account
posted by AFABulous at 11:56 AM on July 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

you can't silence or shut off your phone and it keeps going off in meetings, the theater, funerals
posted by AFABulous at 11:59 AM on July 23, 2016

Zebras are the only pets allowed.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:06 PM on July 23, 2016

There are two pips in every orange segment.
posted by billiebee at 2:08 PM on July 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

All music is played on the banjo or the accordion or both.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:13 PM on July 23, 2016

All music is played on the banjo or the accordion or both.

If you aded a saw or the spoons or something, you would have just invented my BFF's ideal band and her ideal husband.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:26 PM on July 24, 2016